I've worn panties, but I don't know if I liked it

[Guest]

Okay story time.

Sophomore year of high school, winter dance. My dress pants were too tight and for some reason, I can't remember, I chose to wear black panties instead. Wearing them actually turned me on a bit, even though I was still in the early phases of discovering my identity as a DL. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I never really enjoyed sissy play or acting like a woman. On the contrary, I enjoyed acting like a full fledged man and having it stripped away because I wore diapers. I went through a boxer wearing phase in high school and got rid of my old tighty-whities, and I've had urges to poop my pants so I used panties simply because they felt more like diapers. However, I've recently been really attracted to some of the onesies offered by LittleForBig, even though I don't really care for sissy play. I just they they are cute as fuck. Maybe I am a sissy, I'm not sure. I love being called cute and adorable, but I do NOT care for being completely feminized or sissified. No hate or judgement or anything towards those that do, I'm just wondering if there is a word for the feeling. 

[Bettypooh]

We all explore different things to see if we like them, or to see if they will be like what we expect. Clothing can evoke feelings and vice-versa but it doesn't always happen. I wore panties daily for years before coming to accept my TG and DL sides.There were two reasons for that. One was that I discovered that when I wore panties I stopped having 'accidents' which were caused by my OAB/SI/UI (which I also didn't understand then). Knowing that those very thin panties would not absorb even small leakage forced me into gaining control over my misbehaving bladder. And their tightness was far more comfortable to me while most males are the exact opposite. There weren't a lot of underwear options back in those days. 

In time as I discovered the internet and made contact with other cross-dressers I did find that like myself, some other folks wearing panties actually enhanced some of the"manly" feelings and tendencies. You know you're being bold, and you know that you've got a secret to protect which tends to make you want to keep others at a distance from your feelings. Though most guys see most girls as being typically "feminine" there are many girls who are clearly different. I've always been attracted to strong women and "tomboys", and back then I was something like that inside myself, but I didn't share those feelings with anyone. Time brought changes and realizations to me, and in the end I discovered much of what makes me who I am inside.

Even in my "manly" days I loved and wanted to wear pretty and frilly things, but that couldn't work with my real life so I kept that part of me in the closet. Eventually the girl inside of me demanded that the closet door be opened, partly as a way for me to have more of the "pretty and frilly" in my life since I needed that. I discovered in time that the real "me" was indeed a girl and I went as far as I could to live that life. It was the best time in mt life to be sure, but outside circumstances brought that to a dead end, and without being able to take the last step forward I ended up stepping back, not quite into a manly life, but enough so that the world sees me that way. It's a charade I can play well because of so many years of me practicing it. It's simply easier for me to live like this, and since I can I do.The girl in me re-emerges at times and I give her the space she needs so she doesn't overwhelm my mind like she once did. Once "she" gets what she wants she goes back into the closet. Like most girls she still likes pretty and frilly and elegant, but she's a bit of a tomboy too and I like that too.

Maybe you can identify with some of this. In the end it's about you, what you like, how well you accept that, and how you make space in your life to be yourself as much as you need to be. Experiment to find your bliss- you don't need the reasons and associations others may have to enjoy something. Just do it for the reasons you want to do it for and find your happiness wherever it's at. You don't have to feel "feminine" to wear panties; they're just an underwear choice after all, same as our diapers are. Take the good from whatever you decide to wear and enjoy your life your own way, for it is all too soon over.

Bettypooh