diapers Repressed, Depressed and Infinitely Stressed

[Lionsheart]

*sigh* Here I go again... starting a new story when I haven't finished a few. I actually wrote this story before the Little Hunters but I decided to finally begin posting it This is... probably the most ABDL trope thing I've written, but it does involve darker material than I have wrote so I have included a warning. 

TRIGGER WARNING: This story deals with suicidal tendencies, drug and alcohol abuse. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or drug/alcohol abuse, please seek medical help or talk to someone. As always, I'm here as well, although I'm not as reliable because I only frequent here once or twice a week... but you all matter to me and you aren't alone, as much as it may seem.❤️ 

 

Chapter 1

“Another day, another dollar.” I mumbled under my breath as I braided my long light brown hair back in a ponytail. I splashed water on my pale face and pulled on my light kaki work pants and black polo shirt on. I blinked, squinting at the acne blooming on my chin. Great. I’m 22 and I still look like a prepubescence teenager. I sighed, splashing more water on my face and wiping it off with a rag.

 I grabbed my keys, rustling in the wind as I ran out to my piece of junk car, a 1998 Honda civic. Traces of rust coated the silver car and the wheels squeaked when I made sharp turns. You’d think I’d have my shit together at this age. Yep, I thought the same too. 

I’m 22, and still have the same damn job I had in high school at Jenkin’s Fun Land. I see Facebook posts of my high school friends who almost have their master’s degrees and others with multiple kids or married. You may be wondering: why am I still struggling? Well… where do I begin?

 I was valedictorian of my graduating class that encompassed 436 other students. President of the Student Council. Vice president of Debate club. Volunteer for the local humane society on my off time between work and school. I had a full ride scholarship to Harvard. I planned on getting my doctorate in pharmaceuticals. I had my whole life mapped out. By the age of 25 or 26 I’d have my doctorate. By 27 I’d have found the love of my life, be married even. I’d travel of the world for a few years. By 32 I’d have kids and buy the house of my dreams.  

The perfect student. The perfect daughter. The perfect role-model. 

It all started spiraling when I started partying my first semester in college. I was part of the Kappa Delta sorority and we were invited to every single party. I had hardly a glimpse of a life in high school. Sure, I had the grades, the ambition, yet one thing I always severly lacked any type of life outside of my afterschool activities. Hardly any friends. An absence of a social life. I never did drugs, never drank. I was good, well, up until college.

In college, I came alive. I was a new person and floated into a group of people who were going to school for the same thing as myself. The future doctors of pharmaceuticals. Little do most people know, we all had an interest in trying the exact medications we would fill one day. How else would we know the side effects if not trying it out for ourselves?

Before I knew it, I was into all types of drugs. I smoked pot. I took benzos when I wanted. I popped Xanax recreationally. I took Adderall before every exam. I even tried acid. I looked quote unquote “normal”, but no one knew what was really going on inside my head. Not even me.

When I wasn’t on drugs, I was drinking. I drank and drank until the world blurred and my brain stopped writing memories down and began forgetting. My new found friend’s would make sure I made it back to my dorm. Make sure I went in my bed. Make sure I didn’t pass out on my back before choking on vomit. It was quite interesting. My friend’s introduced me to these recreational drugs and alcohol, yet I was doing ten times more than them. I didn’t think much about it until one day I couldn’t think at all. 

I remember the day crystal clear, even though things seemed extremely confusing. I started my day with taking Adderall before class. I had an exam in Biochemistry and hadn’t slept the night before so I definitely needed a hook up. The day drowned on and there was a party that night. I drank a red bull to wake myself up and one of my friends, Oddie, offered me a Xanax. I shrugged and took it out of his hand, chasing it down with a red bull. Why, Xanax? I wanted to relax after a long day of classes; however, caffeine and Xanax, looking back, probably were not the best combination.

You’d think, being a pharmaceutical student, I’d be smarter than that. However, my philosophy was to try as many drugs as humanly possible. Explore the different side effects hands on. I love pharmaceuticals, a lot, actually. Little did I know how strong that love was. 

I didn’t feel anything for a good while. To be quite honest, I almost forgot I took it. When we arrived at the party, I began drinking. Within an hour a did I few shots of fireball. Surprisingly, I couldn’t feel the shots, nor the Xanax. I thought, maybe, just maybe, something else cancelled the Xanax in my system and my liver didn’t absorb it. Maybe it was expired Xanax. I decided to chug a few cans of beer with my guy friends because I didn’t feel a buzz, still. I couldn’t feel a thing. It was as if I was invincible, unable to feel any alcohol or drugs.

A few minutes later, it all hit me.

Quite suddenly, quite erratically.  

I was in the kitchen of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s house going to grab a water and suddenly fell to the ground. Waves of seizures racked my body. I didn’t think my body could move like that. I felt tremors but couldn’t control my movements. Vomit choked my throat and I was gurgling noises I had never thought I could make. My brain was screaming to regain control of my own body, yet my body wouldn’t listen. It was a horror movie slowly panning out and I soon realized I was the main character.

Someone found me on the ground, but it was almost too late. He moved me onto my side and the vomit came out. Everything was blurry as my eyes watered. I wanted to cry, wail even. I couldn’t, it was almost as if I were paralyzed. 

Confusion blurs the lines of where I am, who I am. Before I know it, I’m slipping into darkness and can’t wake up. I’m in another world, but still here on Earth. I’m floating through a dark abyss. It feels so real, so deep. Haunting even. I was a ghost traveling through the sea of lost souls, yet I was just another one of them. I struggled to get out of the sea, but it was thick waters that kept hitting me with waves. The undercurrent, continuously pulling me down as I struggled to reach the surface.

The next moment I’m feeling conscious again is when I felt pressure on my chest. Someone pressing down repeatedly. Someone’s cold fingers touching my neck, “No pulse. She’s a goner.” A woman’s voice says. My eyes were half open and I could see glimpses of a handsome face, warm brown eyes, and dark brown hair.

“I’m not giving up.” A man says.

“She hasn’t had a pulse for four minutes. The druggie is dead. Let go already.” 

No, don’t let me go. I’m still alive. I felt someone’s warm breath fill my lungs twice. Then pressure began on my chest. 

“Move out of the way, we’ll take over.” A stern voice says to whoever is pressing on my chest. I can hear his breath is ragged and the man who was attempting to revive me was sweating and tired. Giving CPR was a lot of work, especially on someone who should be pronounced dead. 

“Pulse has been gone for 5 minutes, good luck.” If I were able to get up, I’d strangle her. I’m alive for god sakes! I’m NOT dead yet.

The guy who was doing chest compressions got off of me and I felt monitors being attached to me, other fingers touching my neck. 

Another man spoke, “I feel a pulse.” 

I was drifting in and out of consciousness as I was strapped to a cart and I could see flashing red lights underneath my half opened eye lids. 

A man’s voice, “Can I come with to the hospital?” 

“Are you related to her?”

“No.”

“Do you know who this girl is?”

He coughed, “No, but I’ve been watching her the past twenty minutes. I just want to make sure she is okay.” Who was this guy? It wasn’t Oddie. It wasn’t any of my friends, actually. Where were my friends? I just had woken up, did they even know I was like this?

“Thank you for your time, but we can’t bring strangers with on an ambulance.”

“I understand.” The man said despondently.

“Come on, Daniel. Let’s go home. She’ll be fine.” The rude girl, that kept telling him I was dead, said. After that, I drifted off into sleep again. I went to the hospital for a supposed ‘drug overdose’. They found Xanax, alcohol, and small traces of Adderall in my system and I stayed in the hospital for a week after.  

And that was the notorious day I was kicked out of Harvard because word got out and they searched my dorm whilst my week stay in the hospital. Campus police found my benzos and marijuana easily underneath my mattress. I lost my scholarship and had to pay back my tuition for the semester I attended the school. 

When I got home, my parents sent me to a rehab facility when I had absolutely no reason to go there. I wasn’t using anymore when I came back home and went clean, my blood tests even proved it. I went back to my old life and worked back at janky Jenkin’s Fun Land. 

Ever since then, my parents never could look at me the same. I wasn’t the favorite child. The star student. The role-model to my younger siblings and cousins. The perfect daughter. 

All of that was gone. All of what made me who my parents were once proud of, taken away in a blink of an eye.

 

Chapter 2

 

“Hey, Blake! How’s it been?” I squinted my eyes, annoyed, as my back was turned away from the prize counter.

I wiped the look off my face as I turned around to see my old classmate, Jessica, from high school, with her 1 year old child in my arms, “Oh, hey. How have you been?” I said with a fake smile plastered on my face, as if I had my life together. 

I loathed seeing people from high school. I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my life. What was there to talk about? I got kicked out of my house when I told my parents I got promoted to be a manager at Jenkin’s and now live paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. Not to mention, I also got kicked out of Harvard before getting kicked out of my parent’s home. I try to avoid the subject at all costs, to be quite honest. Instead, should I mention I eat ramen noodles every day and haven’t had time to even go back to college between work? I live with a roommate but she works at a grocery store and I’ve been taking out of loans to pay her half because she can’t pay the rent.

“I’ve been good, I’m pregnant with child number 2 and we just found out it’s a girl! We’re so excited.” She smiled ear to ear as her eyes scanned my face. I blinked, still fake smiling and nodding. She was having children really young but, from a little stalking on Facebook, her boyfriend was a nurse practitioner and made a good living that she didn’t have to work. Jessica wanted children when she was in high school so it’s no surprise that she already was on her second.

“So, how have you been?” An awkward pause, “Weren’t you going to Harvard?” I winced internally. Everyone wanted to know what happened, even though I had a feeling that word slipped out and people I didn’t even know heard about my drug overdose. 

I smiled at her bright blue eyed child and waved and then met her eyes, “I decided it wasn’t for me.” I said promptly, without detail.

“Oh.” Jessica didn’t say anything further. Maybe she already knew what happened and just wanted to hear my side of the story. She was a genuine person like that. It was something to appreciate, but it was too touchy of a subject for me still, even though it had been a few years.

My fingernails digged into the palm of my hand, sweating. I had a bit of social anxiety, admittedly. I blinked, changing the subject, “What prize would you guys like?” Her boyfriend walked up behind her and touched the small of her back. 

The thought of a boyfriend of my own flitted across my mind. I had a few within the past years, all failing miserably. I hadn’t dated for about two years but I wasn’t honestly looking either. Seeing Jessica with a guy did make me a little jealous. I wanted that in a way, but I could never find the right guy. I had a lot of abusive, almost stalker-like relationships in the past; however, it didn’t mean I had given up all hope.

“We’ll do the purple monkey.” Jessica said, in a tone almost as if I were suddenly a stranger. Ouch, another stinge of pain. I couldn’t say it wasn’t the first time that someone from high school treated me like they didn’t know me, nor would it be the last.

“That will be 150 tickets.” I said with a smile that didn’t meet my eyes. 

She handed me the tickets and I slipped them in the ticket counter. My face felt sticky from the hot weather and the miniature fan on the counter was not doing diddly-squat to circulate the air. It was 90 degrees in Robins, Iowa and the air-conditioning was still not fixed after placing several work orders within the past month. At this rate, by the time the repair men come, the summer months will be far gone and we might as well wait until next year.

“Thanks, Blake. You take care, okay?” Jessica said, eyeing me weirdly. Was it that obvious how much I hated my life? Maybe I should just get it tattooed to my face.

I drove home after working an open to close shift, for the third day in a row, and would be doing the same tomorrow. I could not sugar coat my life, even if someone held a gun up to my head. I’d tell them to pull the trigger. Hell, I’d take the gun from them and pull it on myself. Did I consider myself suicidal? I wasn’t honest enough with myself to answer that question. I did have self-loathe. Afterall, my parents were ashamed of me; they haven’t even reached out to talk to me in two years. Was it my fault? Quite possibly. If my parents were ashamed of me, then I should be just as ashamed of myself, right? 

I had been in and out of rehab. I still used drugs recreationally well after college. I still smoked pot to this day, anything to take off the edge. To be quite honest, I was depressed. My parents were proud of me my whole life. I was the first born in the family, the supposed role model. I had two younger sisters who had looked up to me and once I dropped out of college, they stopped looking up to me. Hell, mom and dad wouldn’t even let them text me. They were afraid to associate me with them. I was a failure in their eyes, and they still haven’t forgiven me. I haven’t even forgiven myself.

I sped down the expressway, breaking out of my deep thoughts as I saw red and blue lights turn on behind me. I cursed under my breath, “What the fuck.” I pulled off to the shoulder of the expressway.

An officer walked up to my beaten up car, flashing a light on my face, “Hello, I’m Officer Earl. Do you know why you were pulled over?” 

I grinded my teeth and nodded, “I’m sorry I was speeding.” I said looking down.

Earl smiled underneath his mustache when I looked back up, “At least you know what you did. Let me see your I.D.” I felt a quick breath of relief leave my body, maybe he’d let me go? I gave him my I.D.

He looked at my ID, “Wow, 22? Is this a fake I.D.?” I blinked, why does everyone think I’m so young? I blinked, biting my tongue and attempting not to spew some rebuttal back.

He wrote me a ticket for 200 dollars or court. Little to say, I drove to the nearest liquor store on the way home and bought a lot of liquor on my credit card. I opened a bottle of vodka and chugged it on my drive home. 

Stupid? Absolutely. When you hate yourself, sometimes you punish yourself. This was my punishment. 

I drove home, surprisingly safely. I got home and went into my wooden night stand, fumbling through pill bottles in my narcotics drawer. I didn’t look at what I was opening, just shaking the pills out and popping them into my mouth. The alcohol making me fearless as I swallowed a few pills down. 

I laid on my bed, pills scattered beside me as I closed my eyes, waiting for death to seep in. I didn’t deserve to live. I wasn’t made for this life. I fucked up too many times and it was time for me to let go, to pass on into the dark abyss.

 

I blacked out that night, completely unconscious, waking up in a hospital room, dazed and confused. There was a dark skinned middle-aged woman sitting down with black dress pants and a bright pink shirt on in the corner of my room.

I asked, “Who are you?” 

“I’m Leona, your sitter for the night. How are you feeling?” She closed her magazine she was reading. Fuck, of course I have a psychiatric sitter. I hate them because I can’t be alone. Ugh. 

I shifted, trying to move my arms, “I’m doing great, I just don’t know why I’m here.” I scrunched my face, looking down at my arms that had light blue restraints tied to them, “Why do I have these?”

She said, “You were attempting to hurt yourself yesterday so the nurses had to restrain your arms, honey.” I shook my head. What the hell happened? My right side and arm was tender to the touch. I remember just laying on my bed, what else could have happened?

“What day is it?” I asked, politely, feeling my dry mouth.

“It’s Friday, July 20^th.” Holy shit. 3 days passed already? It was Monday when I drank and swallowed the pills. Why can’t I remember the past few days?

I sank down in my bed, “Fuck.” I said while shaking my head, my lip trembling.

“Oh, look who’s finally awake.” A nurse came in my room, checking my vital signs, “You were in and out of an unconscious state for the past few days from the sleeping pills you took and I think it must have finally ran through your system. Maybe you might be going home tomorrow.” The nurse said as she typed something on her portable computer. 

“Can you remove the arm restraints?” I asked, feeling the need to itch my nose.

“I have to call the on call clinical psychologist to clear your mental status per our hospital protocol before we do that, hun.” I sighed, rolling my eyes. Of course they do. Fuck everything.

She walked out, dialing a number on her phone. I could hear her outside the room talking to another nurse, “Dr. Calvin is going to be really pissed that I’m calling him this late.” I looked at the clock; it was 2 AM in the morning. 

The other nurse said, “Oh isn’t that the dreamy doctor? That doctor Daniel that visits once in a blue moon?”

“Yeah, it’s him but he’s a real asshole to nurses.” Great, that’s the type of doctor I want to see.

I looked over to Leona as her eyes were closing slowly as she read her magazine, “Psssst.” I said in a whisper as she looked up, “Can you remove the left one so I can itch my nose?” 

Leona laughed, “Just tell me where your nose itches and I’ll scratch it.” 

I sighed, shaking my head, “Don’t worry about it.” I scrunched my nose, wiggling it. 

I slowly dozed off into a nap while waiting for the psychologist. I heard quiet talking within an hour and a calm man’s voice, “How is she doing so far?” 

“I mean, she’s awake and aware, she’s just irritable since being awake and asked about her restraints.” The nurse said, “As much as I’d like to talk I have another patient I have to check in and hook up so I’ll be back.”

I heard the man say to Leona, “I’ll have you step out for a moment so I can speak with her in private.”

I opened my eyes and nuzzled my nose into my pillow, looking up to somewhat of a familiar face, “Do I know you?” I couldn’t place my finger on the face. I couldn’t for the life of me, but he looked so damn familiar. 

His eyes flashed, “You might, but, per patient privacy, I can’t release as to why unless you would like to talk about it.” What does that mean? I was so confused.

I scrunched my face in confusion, “Well, I can’t really remember why you look familiar, so I was hoping you could refresh me?” He had black dress pants on and a deep navy blue button up with rolled up sleeves. He didn’t have a white coat on like most doctors but had a name tag badge hooked to his pants, which was humorous to me because it looked like he was trying to sport a new style or fashion. I suppressed a small smile and realized I was looking below his waist for more than a few seconds and that probably was not a good place to be staring. My eyes darted away quickly. 

He was about 6 feet tall with a muscular frame and looked incredibly handsome. I don’t know if it was the fact that he was a doctor that was attractive but maybe the fact that his face was so warm and friendly, besides the fact that he wasn’t making much sense.

He pulled up a chair, taking out his stethoscope, “How are you feeling?” He ignored my question. Now I was really confused.

“Okay. I just want to go home.” His hands were gentle as he lifted me forward and touched my back with his stethoscope. I caught a whiff of his cologne and it was enticing. I also caught a whiff of myself and I smelled like urine. I was, to say the least, disgusted with myself. 

“How are you feeling mentally, Blake?” His warm brown eyes met mine, concerned. I looked in awe at him, he was even more attractive close up. 

I ignored his question like he did mine, “What’s your name again?” His eyes searched mine, studying me.

“Dr. Calvin.” He was emotionless when he said his name, as he pulled away from me.

“What’s your first name?” I asked, watching him as he rolled his chair slightly away from me.

“Daniel. Do you know your first name?” He asked, almost in a voice like I we’re a toddler. I blinked, noticing his change in tone.

“Blake.” I said, dryly, “And the square root of Pi is 1.77245385091 and so on.” My voice sprinkled with sass.

His face went thoughtful for a moment and then he smiled, “Good.” He paused, looking annoyed, “Now, I’m going to ask you one more time, and if you don’t answer then I’ll come back after I sleep: how are you feeling mentally, Blake?” Dr. Calvin said, looking at his keyboard on his Microsoft surface tablet.

“I’m fine. I just want to go home.” I said, looking down at my bag of urine that was connected to my catheter. I froze, that made sense why it felt uncomfortable in my nether regions.  

“Drinking alcohol and overdosing on sleeping pills doesn’t sound like everything is fine to me, Miss Hunter.” I winced at my last name. For some reason hearing my last name reminded me of my parents and they probably didn’t even know that I was in the hospital again. If they did, they wouldn’t care anyways.

I didn’t want to talk about my issues, especially to someone who’s so handsome and not too much older than myself. He’s most likely married and well off and would never date someone like myself… but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still dream about him later.

I smiled and I felt my eyes get watery. I shook my head, “What does it even matter?” I said, realizing I wasn’t even able to wipe away the water collecting near my eyes. 

“Do you have suicidal thoughts?” He asked, looking up from his tablet. His eyes traced my face and then looked back down quickly. 

I looked at the ceiling, “Not until recently.” I said as a tear fell down my face. Did I just really admit that? Great, I most likely just sentenced myself to a few more days in this hospital.

“Did you lose a job or a loved one recently?” Dr. Calvin studied my face, “You can talk about it with me, that’s why I’m here, Blake.”

Snot was slowly running down my nose, “Nope. I’m just one fucking failure after a next.” I said with a laugh at my own misery, in attempt to act somewhat normal as I knew I was falling apart. A few more tears escaped down my cheeks and I sniffed so my snot wouldn’t fall. I had no chance of making myself look like I’m an equal to this man at this point. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?” He asked, curiously.

I shook my head, “It’s not important.”

Dr. Calvin shook his head, “Of course it is. Your life is important.” 

I frowned, my fingernails digging into my palm, “I got into Harvard and got kicked out and my life’s been a steep slope downhill ever since.” The reminder of it made more tears fall down my face. 

“Harvard, huh?” His eyes looked concerned, “You have to give yourself more credit, getting into that school is an accomplishment in itself and I’m sure your parents are proud of you still.” 

I shook my head, “Nope. They cut off ties with me completely. Once I got promoted at my job and began making 14 dollars an hour they gave me a month to find an apartment because they didn’t want me ‘influencing’ my little sisters.” I cried harder, remembering painful memories, a whimper escaping my lips, “But it’s all my fault. I was getting better when I lived with them, going to community college even, and then once they kicked me out I went straight back to drugs and drinking, dropped out of community college completely.” I turned away from him and nuzzled my head into the pillow. 

He came around my side with a tissue and knelt down near me. He dabbed my nose with the tissue and touched my shoulder, “Do you still feel the need to harm yourself?” 

I shook my head, “No.” 

Daniel began removing my restraints, “Then I’ll take these off; however, if you show any signs of self-harm they will go back on.”

“Okay. When can I go home?” I said, giving him puppy dog eyes. After all, I’d assume he’d be the one signing my release papers.

“It depends on what rehabilitation site you choose.” I wiped my eyes with my free hand.

“I have to go back to my job. I can’t lose it, or else I won’t even have a home to go back to.” 

His eyes looked weary as he looked down at me, “We can discuss other options tomorrow then. You should sleep and I’ll write up a prescription for you to begin taking tonight.”

I shook my head, “I don’t do medication.” I said in a statement.

“You had Xanax and other recreational drugs your roommate told the ambulatory team so that statement doesn’t make sense to me, Blake.”  Ouch, that one hurt. I can’t believe Veronica would snitch on me when she smokes pot. He looked at his tablet, scrolling down, “Do you have anxiety?” 

I shrugged, “Sometimes. But doesn’t everyone?” I said, sleepily. I was ready to go back to sleep already. You’d think sleeping three days would make you awake but all I wanted to do was sleep.

“Panic attacks?” He asked, ignoring my comment again.

“Every now and then.” I was feeling more anxious than usual currently but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

He got up, “We’ll talk again tomorrow and hopefully get you discharged from the hospital tomorrow evening if everything goes smoothly.” Dr. Calvin said as he peeked outside of my room. 

I snuggled into my sheets. He talked to the nurse as I slowly lulled into sleep and then was woken to take a pill. I took it and dozed into a deep slumber after the doctor left. 

I napped on and off the next day. Leona left around 7 in the morning and a new sitter came in to watch me. I was woken up by Dr. Calvin in the late afternoon.

“Good morning, Blake.” Dr. Calvin said.

 I opened one eye and squinted at the time, “It’s 4 PM, Daniel. Good afternoon.” 

Daniel had the sitter leave the room, “My name is Dr. Calvin to you, Blake.” He said with a bit of annoyance hinting at his voice.

“You have two first names in your full name. It’s weird.” I said, rolling over in a grumble. 

He sat down on the rolling chair and opened his tablet, “Are you feeling irritable still?” 

“I wasn’t irritable to begin with, it’s just me.” I said, sitting up. I felt like a different person than last night. I showered, with the door open since I’m ‘suicidal’, had my catheter and IV removed, and now I smelled like a normal human again. My hair wasn’t a matted mess and fell down in waves on my shoulder.

“Okay then. How would you rate your depression as of now on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 being happy and 10 being of suicidal thoughts.” He asked. 

“Like a -5.” I said with a fake smile. My eyes not matching my smile so I most likely looked crazy. 

“Seriously, Blake.” He wasn’t smiling; in fact, his face was blank, like a statue. I had a feeling he didn’t understand my humor. I frowned, fixing my gown, “3.” I played it down a lot, honestly. I’d realistically rate it at a 7 because I just wanted to go home and drink. I couldn’t tell him that though.

“If you feel worse, you can tell me.” He paused, his brown eyes studying me, “You don’t have to lie. I’m focused on making you feel better before you leave.” He’s emotionless one moment and the next he’s caring. Sometimes I just don’t understand doctors.

I looked out the window, shrugging, “Maybe a 4.”

He nodded, typing, “So, we have to go over options for what course of action were going to take to get you on the right track.” Daniel closed his tablet and searched through his bag, pulling out pamphlets, “Realistically, I’d want you to go through the eight-week inpatient program in Marion.” He sighed, “But, because of your living situation, I think your best option would be going through the 16-week outpatient program which is close to where you live in Jasper.”

“16 weeks?! I have a really busy schedule and I work just about every single day to barely pay my bills.” I said.

“You need to make time for yourself, Blake. I had to pull a lot of strings to make sure that you get help instead of the law intercepting for attempted suicide and paraphernalia.” 

I shook my head, “I never said I attempted suicide.”

“You told us in a half conscious state two days ago and yesterday you mentioned suicidal thoughts.” Daniel said. Well, I guess that might be substantial evidence.

There was an awkward silence that followed and he spoke up as he was handing me a pamphlet, “You’ll be going to a therapy appointment two to three times a week. You’ll have a daily journal to write in and goals each week on how to overcome obstacles. There’s a lot more that goes into the outpatient program but we’ll discuss that later.”

 

Without reading, I signed my papers for the outpatient program quickly and was discharged from the hospital that evening. Veronica picked me up from the hospital and didn’t say a word the whole ride home. Hell, she didn’t even say a simple ‘hi’. Veronica was probably tired of my shit. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes the past few weeks and it’s became more frequent as the months have progressed. From drunken nights where she picked me up from bars to finding me passed out in our bathroom with vomit on me, Veronica has seen it all. I felt bad to put her through all of that, but I just needed help. Someone to care for me. I didn’t have that, and I don’t think I ever will again.

I got home to my phone and it was completely dead. When I charged it, my phone had about twenty missed calls and voicemails from my boss, Kellie. I called her right away, panicked. 

“What happened that you ended up in the hospital?”

“I had a severe reaction to this new night time medication and was in an unconscious state for a few days.” I said, biting my nails.

Kellie paused, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” She said, almost as if she didn’t believe me.

“I need to discuss hours with you these next few weeks when I come back tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 1 PM and I’ll need to probably close on those days.” I said, bracing myself for what she’ll say next.

“What are these appointments for, Blake?” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Is she even allowed to ask that?

I said quickly, “I have to let you go, Kellie, sorry my doctor’s calling.” 

“Blake-“ I hung up. Nice save.

 

I fell asleep that night and woke up around 3 AM, tossing and turning from my dreams. I felt a cold, wetness underneath my pajama bottoms in a half conscious state. I slowly got up and looked down, feeling the wetness and the stench of urine invading my nostrils. I couldn’t only see the fluorescent green of my alarm clock glowing in my dark room but I already knew what happened. I scrunched my face: did I really pee myself in my sleep? Fuck. I rolled up my sheets and tossed them in my closet, deciding I’d clean them in the morning when Veronica went to work. 

I looked at my phone and I felt my heart race when I began reading a text from Kellie that she sent late last night. She left me a text stating that we’d have to talk one on one but this week she’d give me Monday off, and I’ll come into work at 4 PM on Wednesday and Friday. I sighed in relief and fell back into a slumber on my semi-wet stripped mattress with one sheet keeping me warm.

Monday came and I was dreading driving to the outpatient rehabilitation appointment. I had a half an hour with group therapy and an hour with a psychologist one on one. I didn’t talk much during group therapy and afterwards I sat in the waiting room for my therapist.

A man with tattoos all over his arms walked out and then a minute later Daniel walked out with a folder and looked at me, “Blake.” He smiled. For some reason, I didn’t expect in the slightest for him to be my therapist. I thought he was just a ‘clinical psychologist’ not a full-fledged therapist. 

We walked into a room with dim lights, a book shelf lining a whole wall around a fire pit, a brown soft couch and a chair. He motioned for me to sit on the couch and I shyly sat down near the edge farthest from him, fixing my outfit. I had ripped light colored jeans on and a light purple tie-dye shirt on for Jenkin’s Fun Land. I probably was dressed like a 13-year-old girl but it was still better than the last time he saw me. 

He sat down, “How are you feeling this week?”

I shrugged, “Okay. Everything’s just peachy.” Everything was the same as before I tried putting myself into an irreversible coma. I still worked at a shitty job. I wasn’t happy with my life. I disliked the person I lived with. I didn’t speak to my parents. 

“Hm.” He said as he thoughtfully looked at me with a pen and paper in front of him, “How’s the medicine working?” I stopped taking it. It’s not like I’d feel anything until six to eight weeks out anyways. There were a few things I retained in my memory from my studies at Harvard.

“It’s great, I feel a bit better, just feeling numb but I think that’s just a common side effect.” I shrugged. I knew all of the side effects of course, just another plus of failing medical school.

“Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary since you got home? Mood swings? Hallucinations? Incontinence? Anything out of sorts?” Daniel studied my facial expressions.

I blinked away a sudden rush of embarrassment. Yes. I somehow wet myself and I haven’t done that in a year or two since my last relapse, “No.” I couldn’t tell him that. It was embarrassing.

He nodded, his fingertips touching the 6 o’clock shadow on his chin, “Tell me a little about yourself.” That’s randomly off subject. I stared at the fake fire pit and wondered what I should say.

 “Like, what do you wanna know? There’s not much about me.” I asked, confused.

 “What do you like to do?” Daniel asked, interested. It was a question that caught me off guard. I didn’t really have anything I liked to do outside of work besides drinking or taking a Xanax and watching videos on the internet. I used to like playing video games, but I stopped. 

 “I mean, I don’t really have a lot of stuff I like doing.”

Daniel asked, “Do you like sports?” I’m an adult and no one hardly plays sports around my age.

 I shrugged, “Sometimes.” I lied, I didn’t like anything anymore. I enjoyed track, volleyball and tennis in middle school and high school, but those were only things I did for fun with my little sisters once.

 “That’s your assignment for the week then. I want you to give me a list of five things that you like to do as hobbies.” He said with a warm smile. Five things?! That’s quite a lot.

A week passed and on Sunday I came into work and Kellie was waiting for me in the concession area. She was sitting at one of our dining tables and had me sit with her.

“You have multiple call-offs this summer and I’m going to have to drop you down to part-time status as a manager. Sorry, Blake.” Kellie said without a trace of emotion, brown eyes disinterested. 

I felt air leave my lungs, “But-“ I paused, confused, “I need the money. I can’t live where I’m at without forty hours a week and pay for my insurance. Kellie-“

“Look, Blake, I need a manager who’s serious about their job and shows up every day and I know you have needs but so do other people. I'm not demoting you to a team member because I'm giving you another chance to prove it to me but I can't afford anymore call-offs.” She was stone cold as she walked away. 

 

That night I wanted something to take the edge off. I needed some alcohol or a pill to help me. I refrained from drinking and going into my secret stash of pills that I hid underneath the floor boards. I couldn’t sleep that night because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I couldn’t tell Veronica, because then she’d freak out. I didn’t have any friends in this area. 

I got two hours of sleep, even though I could sleep in before my appointment. I would have to find a new job to work when I’m not at Jenkin’s. I couldn’t handle the stress as it is and I don’t know how I would handle this too. 

I came to therapy with Dr. Calvin as a complete mess. 

“How are you feeling today?” It seems like he asks that every day.

My lip began trembling, “Not good.” A tear falling down my face. I wiped away with my sleeve of my light grey sweatshirt. 

“What happened, Blake?” Daniel asked, eyes suddenly concerned.

“I-“ I shook my head, “I’m getting demoted at work to part-time for missing so many days.” I began crying and I couldn’t look up. Daniel knelt near me and brought tissues over. 

He hugged me, “It’s going to be okay, Blake.” My back stiffened. Did doctors usually hug their patients? This never happened in rehab. 

I shook off the thought as I whimpered, “How? I’m going to be homeless next month. I can’t even afford groceries let alone gas.”

“We’ll figure something out.” Daniel said pulling away, his hand still rubbing my back. The feeling of someone else’s touch was so foreign to me. As his fingertips grazed my back, tingles went up to my brain, making me feel fuzzy, warm. I felt momentarily dazed as I sat there. 

I sniffled, “My mom won’t even talk to me. I tried calling her yesterday night and she wouldn’t pick up.” I whimpered because it hurts that my mom won’t even talk to me. She won’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. I could be dead, and that wouldn’t have mattered to her.

“I’m sure she’ll let you live with her.” Daniel continued, “Let me know what happens in a week, okay?”

 

A week passed of me calling my mom and dad every day. No one answered. I began to think that they blocked me. I sent a few texts and no replies. I told Veronica about my situation and she said she was moving into her boyfriend’s house in a month. Somehow, in a week’s time, everything around me was falling apart, and, by default, so was I.

 

“So, any news from your mother or father?” Daniel asked, his face hopeful. Little did he know that my mom was alienating me from the family. It’s as if it were a cult and since I was an outsider, I was being excommunicated by anyone associated.

 I sank in my chair and didn’t say anything, staring at the tan carpet. 

“Blake?” He said, concerned, “How are you feeling?” 

“A 10.” I said, beyond sad. I didn’t want to be here anymore and I didn’t care about life. Everyone was leaving me. I wasn’t worth anything. I was worthless, quite honestly.

“Do you want to harm yourself?” Daniel asked, sitting up straight.

My fingernails were already making my palms bleed. I closed my eyes and my body was completely tense. I didn’t want to talk anymore. This was all a waste of time. I was going to pull the plug tonight. 

“Blake, do I need to take you to the hospital?” He was studying me when I opened my eyes. 

 My jaw was tight, “No.” 

Daniels fingers were tapping his legs, “This is completely out of the scope of my profession, but…” He hesitated, “in the case you don’t have a home, you can stay with me. I have plenty of space and an extra guest room for you there.”

I looked at him, not wanting to hear his words, “Really?” 

He nodded, “I’ve been thinking about it for a bit now and it’s the best option for you. You wouldn’t have me as a therapist anymore though. I would have to switch you to a different outpatient program.”

It seemed weird being that he was my therapist but I needed a home and I couldn’t be picky. It was either that, or living in my car.

I nodded, “That would really help.” I said, looking down shyly.

“There would be rules, of course. Knowing your condition, I may be having you leave your job but I can take you to an outpatient center while I’m at work.” I’d get to leave my job?! That would be a dream. 

“I’d only stay for a month or so until I find a better job.” I said. I probably wouldn’t find a job in that time but I could at least try my hardest.

Daniel shook his head, “No need. You can leave your job for a little while and figure things out.” Was he planning on having me stay there for a while? I was taken aback on how nice he was being. It was quite unusual for a doctor to be this caring.

 

[Lionsheart]

Chapter 3

 Weeks passed as I packed all of my items and cleaned the apartment. Veronica left a week ago and it was just me left in the apartment. I grabbed my pills, underneath my floorboard, hesitantly feeling the pills slide between my fingertips, and then placed them in the pocket of one of my suitcases as I waited for Daniel to meet me to help me move out. Rain drops fell onto my window. The sound of tapping calmed my nerves about moving in with, basically, a stranger. 

I sat on my bed and awaited Daniel’s text or call when he was going to arrive. I wondered how it was going to be to live with him. He was either serious or laid back in sessions so maybe he’d be the same living with him. Hopefully I’d see the more laid back version. I felt like I already owe Daniel a lot for all that he’s doing for me. 

My phone buzzed and I picked it up in a jump, “Hello.”

“Hey, Blake, I’m right outside your door if you want to open it.”

“Eh, I think I’ll just keep it locked.” I said sarcastically.

He chuckled, “Open it, Blake.” He said my name with a serious tone. It was almost as if he were talking to a small child. It was strikingly odd to hear someone who was just my doctor switching to a light-hearted tone and then a serious one.

I ran down the steps to the first floor and opened the door, “Thank you.” I peeked my head out the door behind him to find an old, beaten up silver Dodge Ram truck. It’s strange seeing doctors outside of the hospital or office, but it’s even stranger seeing them in trucks. 

He walked up the stairs, as if it were house, and made himself comfortable finding my room before I even showed him. He picked up two pieces of luggage and briskly began walking down the stairs. Most of my other luggage and items were already jammed into my car. The misfit pieces that didn’t fit were still in my room.

I looked in my empty room, sadly. When one door closes, another one opens. I told myself. I stared blankly into my room as I heard footsteps climbing the stairs again. Daniel’s eyes caught mine as I closed my door. 

“How are you feeling today?” He asked, as if he were still my therapist.

“Just peachy as usual.” I said, looking down at Google Maps on my phone, “This is where I’m driving, right?” I placed my key on the dining room table for the landlord to pick up.

Daniel nodded, “Yes.” He paused, eyes studying me thoughtfully, “Are you okay to drive?” He asked as if I didn’t even know how to drive.

“Yeah. I’ll race yuh there!” I said, with a mock excited voice. 

“Now that just makes me more concerned. No more racing for you, Blake. We don’t need another speeding ticket.” It sounded like he was talking to a child. I almost rolled my eyes but I stopped myself as I looked at him. 

“Fine.” I said in a snap back, “I’ll see you there.” A little bit of an attitude leaving my voice as I trailed down the stairs.

Daniel got in his truck and started the engine. I put my keys in my ignition and looked at my apartment complex for the last time. The dilapidated white siding looking like it was about to fall off any moment. The musty wooden stairs that needed to be updated before breaking with one step. The rude old neighbor who yelled at us when I played a video game with guns in it because he thought it sounded “too real”. I wouldn’t miss this place. It was an apartment building for people who were looking for trouble and I didn’t want to be part of that group anymore.

After twenty minutes of following Daniel in his truck, we came to a gated residential neighborhood. There was a man at the booth that Daniel was talking to and the man pressed a button that opened the gate and he motioned for me to come through. I waved at him with a smile as I passed. The man looked at my car, almost suspiciously, as I passed. My car was old and resembled a piece of junk, so I didn’t blame him.

As I followed Daniel into the neighborhood, my jaw dropped in awe as I looked at the beautiful homes we passed. Green grass and colorful flowers sprinkled every lawn. Houses lined the streets in different colors and builds. Some houses looked like mansions. Other houses had nice white picket fenced two story homes. So this is where doctors lived? 

Daniel pulled into a red bricked house with dark trim that looked like it could encompass a big family. Does he have a family I’ll be staying with? I’d assume Daniel was about 30 and probably had kids and a wife. I parked in the two car drive way in awe as I looked at his beautiful home. 

I got out and began getting out some of the mess I shoved into my car. 

“Here, I’ll take that.” Daniel said as his hand touched my back. His fingertips making my back tingle. He reached in front of me and grabbed a suitcase and a box.

“Thanks.” I said as I followed him inside his house. Once we stepped inside, my jaw dropped. Dark mahogany floors stretched out into a kitchen and up the stairs. The stairs led to the bedrooms where I followed Daniel. He walked to the first bedroom on the right down the hallway and placed my items in the room. I walked in and felt the soft padding of the light carpet under my shoes. The room had light tan walls besides one darker beige wall where a queen sized bed was in front of. A queen sized bed of my own? Nice. It was definitely an upgrade from my twin sized bed in my apartment.

My hands glided over the dark wood dresser near the windows and then traced the dark wood closet doors. There was an empty glass desk on the wall opposite from my bed with a desktop chair. In the corner of the room there was a large comfy coffee colored papasan chair with a purple fuzzy blanket and white fluffy pillows on it. I smiled as I touched the soft blanket. This was possibly the nicest bedroom I’d ever had. 

“Do you like it?” Daniel was standing at the door frame, watching me for who knows how long.

I jumped and turned around, clasping my hands behind my back as if I did something wrong, “Yeah. It’s nice.” I said, looking around the room.

“Good. Let’s get you moved in and then I’ll make some dinner. How does that sound?” He warmly asked. Why was he so nice to me? I couldn’t understand why someone would go out of their way like this for me. I was just a college dropout who was just a ‘druggie’. It didn’t make sense but I had a strong desire for human affection and he was giving me that. As uncomfortable as I was with living with a stranger, this was the best person I could live with. 

An hour or two later I was on my new comfy floor, sorting out my toiletries and clothes into my dresser. A waft of oregano and tomato sauce filled my nostrils and the smell of a home-cooked meal entranced me to times of when I was younger. I smiled fondly as I closed my drawer and opened another, shoving more clothes in. 

I could hear footsteps going up the stairs and approaching my room. I looked at my door frame, realizing that I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful house that I didn’t notice that there was no door to close in my room. The door must have been purposefully unhinged. Well, great.

“Dinner is ready.” Daniel said, peeking into my room with a towel thrown over his shoulder and one strand of hair on his forehead. I met his glance and he smiled. 

“Okay, I’ll be down in a second.” I said in response. I was just about done with three bags and suitcases and only had two more boxes to sort out. After all, I didn’t really have much stuff to begin with. The two boxes I’d just save for later, they could wait. 

Daniel went back downstairs and I inspected my door frame for a second. I squinted and touched the bronze hinge on the side and realized that it must have been done in the past week. Warmth traveled up to my cheeks. Maybe it was done for me because he doesn’t trust me.

I walked down the hallway leading to a few bedrooms and glance in them quickly. The last room on the left must be Daniel’s room. One room looked to be his study, another looked to be completely empty. There was a bathroom in Daniels room but no other restrooms on the second floor. Obviously, there was no one else living in the house besides himself. Maybe he didn’t have kids and a wife like I expected.

I walked downstairs and peaked into the high ceiling room next to the kitchen which was his living room. There was a long comfy looking grey sectional sofa with light coffee colored blankets folded on it that led to an ottoman with white and grey pillows. A 70 inch television was hung on the wall in front of the couch and there was plants in the corners of the rooms. The living room had a very warm and inviting feeling as I looked into it.

“What would you like to drink? I have water, milk, tea.” Daniel said, looking into his refrigerator. I blinked, nostalgia hitting me from my childhood when I drank chocolate milk on the nights my mom would make me spaghetti.

“Chocolate milk?” I asked, glancing away from the living room.

“I can make that. Have a seat.” He said with a smile as he motioned to his table. I sat down in front of a plate and let the steam of the noodles and meat sauce rise into my nose. I hadn’t had spaghetti in years; this was truly a treat. I could hear Daniel mixing syrup and milk together as the spoon hit the sides of the glass cup. He set the chocolate milk in front of me.

A burst of a feeling hit me as I sat there, staring at my chocolate milk, that I hadn’t felt in years: comfort. Without my parents, friends and family, I hadn’t felt that in a while. I had been the only one to take care of myself for the past two years. I was responsible for myself. I made my own food, my own money. The only person who had my back was me, no one else. Someone making me chocolate milk and giving an act of kindness towards me was so unfamiliar that I was taken aback.

“Thank you. You’ve been really kind.” I said, timidly. I still didn’t understand why he’d take me in like he has. 

Daniel sat down, “Your welcome, Blake.” He said, not saying any more like I’d hope. He was friendly but distant. I didn’t understand it.

I took a bite of my spaghetti once he began eating. It was silent, awkward. I had something on my mind that I wanted to know.

“Why though?” I asked abruptly after swallowing a forkful of spaghetti.

 Daniel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Why what?” He asked, eyebrows knitting together.

“Why are you being so nice?” I paused, “Like, I’m not asking in a rude way. I just am curious because I’d assume you don’t do that with all your patients.” I added in a quick squeak, “Unless you do then I’m totally not judging.” God, I said too much. This nice guy is doing me a favor and here I am questioning it.

There was an awkward silence that followed and Daniel had a pensive look on his face as he ate. I ate quietly as I looked down at my red noodles in embarrassment.

“You’d have to ask me a different type of question and maybe you’d find your answer.” He said.

I squinted at him in a glare, “Well then, now I’m really confused.” I shook my head, stabbing more noodles with meat sauce and shoving them into my mouth.

“Do you do this with all of your patients?” I asked, looking up innocently.

Daniel’s face changed to annoyed, “No, absolutely not.” He said firmly, as if he were insulted. I think I hit a nerve, woops.

A few minutes passed as Daniel read an article on his phone and I still sat wondering why he was so offended.

I thought of a different question to ask, “Did you know you wanted to go into psychology when you originally began college?” I asked, trying to make conversation.

Daniel locked his phone and wiped his mouth with a napkin, placing it on his plate and studying my face, “No. I wanted to become a cardiologist when I began.” His fingertips grazed the stubble on his chin.

“Then what made you change your mind?” I asked, curious as I ate slowly. 

Daniel stared at me for a long moment, “I had a change of heart.” He switched the subject quickly, “Are you done eating?” 

I nodded and pushed my plate away from me, “Here, let me clean you up.” I looked up at him, confused why his tone changed like he was speaking to a toddler. He grabbed my napkin and dabbed it in his mouth and then on my chin. My face flushed red as I sat there and couldn’t move in embarrassment. 

 

That night I dozed off asleep quickly, swimming through dreamland. I woke up, confused, around 3 AM as I sat up quickly in my new queen sized bed, something feeling uncomfortable. A familiar uncomfortable.

“No, no, no.” I said in a whisper to myself. Panicking as I shifted in my bed, feeling my pajama bottoms drenched in wetness. My heart was pounding as I rolled off of my bed, gathering up my sheets and bedspread. I quietly tiptoed out of my room, down the stairs. 

I tried turning the knob to the hallway that connected the laundry room to the garage. It was locked. Why would it be locked? I closed my eyes in panic as I shifted in my wet pajama bottoms, feeling them becoming cold.

I heard a light switch turn on behind me and Daniel was behind me in the kitchen, squinting at me in a sleepy state. My face flushed deep red and my vision became watery as I stood there in embarrassment. 

“Blake?” Daniel said as his head cocked to the side and his eyes fell on my soaked pajama bottoms.

 

[warpiper]

I like where this is going. Keep up the good work!

[thedman]

Great start. Cant wait to see where this one goes

[Lionsheart]

Thanks for the feedback on the story! It's a bit out of my usual stories but, for once, I wanted to indulge in writing a ABDL trope story. However, any of my usual readers, y'all know I wouldn't write anything without a twist, haha.?

 

Chapter 4

“Set those on the floor and go up to the restroom.” He said in quietly as his eyes were weary with concern. 

“I-I’m sorry, I di-didn’t mean to.” I said, setting the bedsheets and blankets down as tears fell freely down my face and a loud whimper escaped my mouth. I covered my face as I turned to go back up the stairs.

“Shhhh. It’s okay. Just get yourself clean and I’ll take care of this.” Daniel cooed me as he came close to me and touched my back in reassurance. I nodded, wiping snot from my nose as I walked up the steps as if I were a sad puppy who knew they peed in the wrong place. 

 

I let the hot beads of water hit my back as I closed my eyes and tears rolled down my face as I stood in the shower. I was beyond embarrassed. What did Daniel think of me now? Would he make me leave his house? After all, who would want someone who wets the bed to live with them? It was disgusting and I was ashamed of it.

I put on my clean pajama shorts and a grey t-shirt. I splashed cold water on my face. I frowned as I stared back at my sleepy and puffy green eyes from crying. My face didn’t help my situation. I still looked way younger that 22 and my red cheeks made me look even younger. As hard as I tried to look like I was a competent, mature adult around anyone, especially Daniel, I somehow always pushed myself a few years back. For example, I just wet my bed so Daniel probably doesn’t even consider me an equal at this point. He probably didn’t know what project he was taking on by letting me live with him. I was an embarrassment and that’s hard to hide. 

I hesitated as my hand touched the cold silver doorknob before I walked outside. I yelped when I saw Daniel right outside the bathroom, patiently waiting for me. 

“Sorry to scare you. I was just making sure you were okay. You were taking a shower for a long while.” His eyes look tired, yet worried as he stood there, looking down to me. I instantly felt bad for procrastinating leaving the bathroom. I didn’t think Daniel would be waiting for me. God, I was selfish. 

I shook my head, eyes darting to the ground, “No, you’re fine. I shouldn’t have taken so long.” I walked towards my room, “Goodnight.” I said quickly, sneaking into my room. I looked at my bed. There was a new sheet and a fuzzy blanket from the living room on it. 

I climbed into my bed as I noticed Daniel followed me, standing at my door frame, watching carefully. 

“Do you…” Daniel hesitated, “need me to get you something from the store nearby before you go back to sleep?” He leaned on my door frame, crossing his arms. 

My face flushed red with embarrassment as I shook my head, hiding further into my blanket, “No, that’s the first time that’s ever happened.” Lies, per usual because I’m a piece of shit. It was most likely the seventh or eight time it had happened. “I’m s-sorry.” My voice faltered at the end as I felt my eyes getting watery. I blinked them away. 

He came in and sat on the edge of my bed, his hand an inch away from my foot, “Don’t be.” He gave a reassuring warm smile, “It’s a new home for you. You’re most likely anxious, nervous and adjusting so it’s common to have certain things like this happen.” The brown fuzzy blanket was up to my chin as I wanted to cocoon myself in to hide myself from him. 

He was being nice: this wasn’t normal. I knew that. So did he. He was only telling me that to make me feel better. A twinge of comfort resonated in me, even though I knew he was just trying to make me feel better about the situation.

He looked at his watch, scratching his chin scruff, “I think I’ll be going back to bed; we have an early day tomorrow.” His weary brown eyes looked at my face, “Are you feeling tired enough to go back to sleep?” 

I nodded, underneath my cocoon, “Goodnight.” I said. I wasn’t tired, more like nervous and sad. I just wanted him to go to sleep. He needed it more than me and his work was more important. All I had was my first day at the outpatient center tomorrow, nothing special. 

 

“How’d you sleep?” Daniel asked as he set coffee down for me and scrambled eggs with turkey bacon. 

“Thank you.” I said timidly as grabbed my fork, “I slept okay.” I said, stabbing my food. 

“Did you fall asleep after…?”. Daniel didn’t say anything ‘after’ in attempt to lessen my embarrassment. That was considerate of him. 

I nodded in response, although it was a lie. I stayed up until 6 AM, my mind not shutting off. When I woke up at 7 AM to my phone alarm it felt like I took a nap. 

 

In group therapy, I was staring at my raggedy light grey hoodies sleeve, “So, Blake,” I blinked up, surprised I was being called upon, “What’s your story? What brings you here?” I looked around, seeing the eyes of the other recovering addicts staring at me, the new girl in the group.

I cleared my throat, “I, uh,” It felt like something was stuck in my throat, “I was kicked out of Harvard for being caught with,” My mouth felt dry and I croaked, “paraphernalia. And… ever since it’s been a steady downhill slope with my drinking and,” I paused, not wanting to say the words and admit to it, “pill popping.” I shifted, feeling embarrassed to admitting my special interests in pharmaceuticals. I wasn’t addicted… just safely recreationally using when necessary. There was a difference and I didn’t need counseling for that. I was only doing counseling to appease Daniel at this point. He was doingso much for me as it was and if this is what he wanted me to do then I'd do it.

Dr. Hayward nodded, his tattooed bald head catching the fluorescent lights in the room, “Well, welcome to the road to recovery.” He said, as the people around the circle nodded. God, these fucking things were so damn awkward and cheesy. 

The doctor turner to his next subject, “Bianca, how are you doing?” 

Bianca, a strawberry blonde girl with a natural beautiful body and face structure began speaking, “Same as always. Dad hasn’t lended me any money and I’ve began working at the gas station on 87^th.” She sighed with a roll of her brown eyes, “Besides that I’m still sober but, not sure how that will last with this stupid job.” She sounded snotty, stuck up. She didn’t look like she belonged with this pack of addicts and drug users. She looked annoyed to be here but it became apparent her dad stopped funding her and she wasn’t ‘daddy’s little girl’ anymore. 

A few minutes later, a guy named Gerard spoke, “I’ve been clean for 69 days.” He winked and stuck his tongue out at Dr. Hayward and the group laughed and clapped. After a moment, Dr. Hayward joined in laughing and clapping. Although I just met him, he was very easygoing and not at all what I thought a doctor could look like. He wore jeans and a band t-shirt and had sleeves of tattoos on both of his arms. Dr. Hayward was incredibly laid back and everyone seemed to curse effortlessly around him without care. It was refreshing that this counseling wasn't a total waste and we could speak to someone who wasn't trying to act like they were above us, but rather, an equal. 

 

A few hours passed as I sat, my eyes getting tired as I stared at the clock in the waiting area of the outpatient center. It was close to lunchtime and my stomach grumbled, but I didn't want to eat.

The girl from my group session, Bianca, planted herself down next to me, “So what type of drugs did you do?” She chewed gum excessively near me and it triggered my annoyance quickly.

“Marijuana.” I said, not wanting to strike up a conversation with another person. 

She laughed, “What else? Come on, that’s nothing and you wouldn’t be here for that.”

“Adderall, Xanax, oxy, Valium, ecstasy…” I trailed off, not wanting to give anymore. 

She rose her eyebrows, “Pill-popped, huh?” She said to herself, “Ever try coke?” 

“Nope, and no desire.” 

“Glass?” She asked, as if offering. 

“No desire.” I said, looking away annoyed.

“Well, if you ever want to try, I can hook you up.” She said quickly, adding, “Or your other vices, I have connections.” 

“I do too and I don’t trust anyone else. But thanks.” I had friends in the field who could sneak me the real potent, unexpired drugs, unlike the street ones Bianca was offering. I didn’t need that. It was so backwards that we were at a rehab facility talking about drugs. Who would’ve guessed?

 

“How was your first day?” Daniel asked, after I jumped into his truck, buckling myself in.

“Great.” I said, a reassuring smile forming on my face. I was attempting to come off as normal as I could be, considering I was a bit loopy from lack of sleep.

Daniel nodded, eyes studying me as he began driving, “How does a burger, shake and fries sound for lunch?” 

“Great.” I just said the same word twice; what disinterested and asshole-like of a response could I come up with next?

Daniel went silent as I took mental note to not come off like such an idiot for the rest of the day. If I was trying to prove my competency and that I was not, in fact, a child then I’d have to work a little better. 

I was staring at the menu, my hunger not really there as I realized that I did not want this food, nor any food, for that matter. Nothing looked appetizing to me and I couldn’t help but stare at the menu instead of reading it. I felt Daniels brown eyes watching me, carefully, as I stared at the menu. He still hadn’t talked since the ride to the diner.

“What can I get you two?” An older woman with a honey-suckle sweet country accent and short ginger hair asked as she took out her notebook.

“I’ll have the hamburger, an order of fries for the both of us and a chocolate shake.” They both looked at me and I felt my face get red and hot from the sudden attention, realizing it was my turn to speak and I didn't even know what I wanted. 

I opened my mouth and it was as if the heat traveled from my face to my bladder as I felt a strong stream release. I froze, wondering why I felt so suddenly overwhelmed and anxious. It was unlike me. I had wet myself at night, but not during the day. 

“She’ll have the junior cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.” Daniel ordered for me as another second passed and the waitress blue eyes were looking confused, as if I were special and she hadn’t noticed earlier. 

“Coming right up.” She said, eyes glancing at me quickly as I bit hard on my lip, about to cry.

“Are you okay, Blake?” Daniel asked, clasping his hands together as his eyes looked worried. 

I looked down at my lap, shifting and feeling a wetness between my thighs and seeing a dark stain. The pee looked only to be there and not spreading which was good news and crossing my legs hid it well enough. 

I nodded, “Mhm.” My eyes darted to his concerned ones and then down to the bottle of Heinz ketchup on the white sparkled dining table. 

“How long have you had the nighttime incontinence?” Daniel asked, breaking the whole ‘lets ignore that ever happened’ unspoken agreement we had going on. I shifted, as if the word almost made me pee myself again. My face reddened as I glanced at Daniel who was stone serious, waiting for a response.

I shook my head, “Th-that was my first night.” I nodded, trying to be convincing as I looked him in the eyes. 

Daniel frowned, looking disappointed, “I want you to be honest with me, Blake.” He said, head tilting the way he did when I went to therapy sessions with him. Future self: take note to not agree with living with a psychologist because it's almost impossible to lie. 

My lip began trembling and the pain of everything was beginning to hit me. Why was I acting like such a child? I was embarrassed of myself completely and I should be. I was an embarrassment after all. To my family. To myself. Now to this person who invited me to his home. 

Tears blurred my vision and I felt them run down my face as I blotted them with my sweatshirt, trying to not be more of a mess in this diner. 

Daniel saw the waterworks starting and moved over to my side of the table, coming to sit with me in the booth. He looked down to me, waiting for me to move over so his longer legs could climb in but I couldn’t move my legs or else he’d see the dark spot underneath me. I was frozen, completely and utterly still.

Daniel kneeled, touching my shoulder as I uncrossed my legs and finally moved over. 

“Oh.” Daniel said, eyes catching the wetness between my legs. He paused, blinking in thought as he fished into his pocket, “Here’s my keys, just wrap your sweatshirt around your waist and I’ll get our food to go.” He said calmly, nudging me up. I stopped crying like a freaking baby and listened to him, wrapping my grey sweatshirt around to cover my mess. 

After ten minutes of crying and self-pity in Daniels car, he came in with the food, handing me the drink carrier with our shakes, “We’ll go straight home, okay?” He said, eyeing me as I nodded, quiet. 

 

When we arrived home I immediately went to the restroom, taking a long shower. I was still in this state of panic and depression that I couldn’t shake and this whole wetting myself twice in a day things was really taking its toll on my confidence and ego I once held. 

After my shower, I walked down the stairs, to where Daniel was on his laptop, typing quickly. 

I quietly sauntered to the kitchen where our food was and he had already ate his portion. I took a small bite out of mine, knowing I wasn't even the slightest bit hungry from what had happened but I knew it was important to eat a little to appease Daniel. I had a few fries and was about to throw it all away as I opened the trash can and Daniel was behind me, “Hey now-“ I jumped, my plate missing the trash can and hitting the floor as the ketchup and fries scattered to the ground. 

I kneeled, “I-I’m s-so sorry.” 

I shook my head and Daniel kneeled with me, smacking my hands away lightly as I went to clean the ground, “Go to the table and sit, now.” Daniel said, sterner than I’d ever heard him as his eyes met mine. I nodded, retreating to the table and sitting down like I had my tail between my legs and I did something bad. 

I sat, reminiscing in my self-loath as I watched Daniel clean the floor with a rag. How many times could I mess up and embarrass myself in one day? I didn't even want to be with myself and Daniel was going to become real sick and tired of my shit by tomorrow. He might even decide to kick me out tomorrow. Heck, I would've kicked myself out this morning when I wet the bed. I was despicable, disgusting and didn't deserve such a nice person. I honestly didn't know what Daniel was getting out of this. It still made little sense to me.

I waited about five minutes as Daniel cleaned up the kitchen and grabbed a file folder he had near his laptop case he took to work.

He sighed, sitting down in front of me and fishing through the folder, “I was going to wait a week, but I think it’s imperative that I just start today.” Daniel said, placing a stapled packet down in front of me. 

I squinted at it, noticing it was some type of contract.

I glanced at it, not wanting to even read it as Daniel spoke, “Have you ever heard of regression therapy, Blake?” He asked, tilting his head slightly. I shook my head, quiet.

“It’s… a treatment that’s a bit out of the normal range, but I want to try it out with you…” He paused, “If you’re willing, that is.” He placed a pen in front of me.

“Sure.” I said, nodding and he gave me a surprised look.

“Do you want an explanation of it before you sign?” 

I clicked the pen, flipping to the last page as my pen hit it, “No, I’ve lost care, but if it makes you feel like it will help, then I’ll do it.” I said as I pushed the signed packet to him. 

Daniel covered his mouth, studying me with a thoughtful expression as he slowly spoke, “I will be your caretaker… are you okay with that?” He asked, eyeing me. I felt my breathing halt, confusion reaching my fuzzy mind. Caretaker? What was that?

I shrugged, “Sure.” 

He smiled warmly, brushing his chin with his fingertips, “And there will be rules…” He trailed off, waiting for a reaction. I nodded, feeling a little sleepy from expending all of my energy to crying and wetting myself in one day. 

“No more lying.” He said, watching me. I froze, was I that obviously a bad liar?

“A bedtime.” What time? 9 PM or something?

“You will have to eat full meals.” But what if I wasn’t hungry?

“Punishments if you misbehave that can be between soap in your mouth to a spanking.” Daniel said, still watching me carefully as I blinked, hearing the word ‘spanking’. He was joking, right? I shifted, wondering if this was the end of his rule list.

“Training pants, pull-ups and diapers dependent on what I feel is appropriate for you on a specific day.” Diapers? Pull-ups? Was I a baby? Was that the point of this? I was 22 not 2 years old… what did I just sign? I mean, at this point, I was up for anything. I had lost a lot of my dignity through the process of today so it couldn’t get much worse, right?

“Of course, there’s other rules that I’ll remember when we cross certain bridges.” Daniel said, placing the packet in his files, “Do you understand what you signed, Blake?” 

I shrugged and nodded, “Sure.” Daniel’s brown eyes were sad as he met mine. It looked like he saw a hurt dog and wanted to save it. 

I just had lost interest in life, in living and being a human. Whatever this kind Dr. Daniel Calvin wanted, I’d be willing to give because he helped me and I owe him that much for not living on the street.

“How about we get you comfy? How does that sound?” Daniel said with a warm, inviting smile. I shrugged and followed him up to my room, “Lay down and don’t move, okay?” 

I laid on my new bed, my eyes closing as I stared at the ceiling, feeling sleepy. 

Daniel came back and I looked at him, holding a white puffy square that was an adult diaper. I blinked, becoming aware of how serious he was. I felt myself shriveling up inside as he placed it down on my bed and his hands went to the waist band of my sweats. 

“May I?” His toned arms were waiting for me to say yes and I nodded timidly. The last time I had a man take off my pants was… almost a year ago! And he was so much hotter than any guy I had ever dated. Whatever he wanted or was into, I’d be okay with that.

He slid the diaper quickly under me after removing my pants and underwear leaving me stripped bare. I was caught off guard when he sprinkled powder on my bottom and front, patting it in generously. The soft padding of the diaper was brought over my front section and securely taped on. Shockingly…snug and giving this immediate feeling of... content? Was that weird?

“How does that feel?” Daniel smiled with his teeth as he looked at me, as if I were something cute. 

I blushed, sitting up as I felt the crinkle of the soft diaper and the sudden thickness between my legs. It was, surprisingly… comfy. I shifted, feeling the soft padding and smelling the light powder that was beginning to make me feel like an actual baby. It was embarrassing enough to have this handsome doctor staring down at me and I felt even ashamed for the idea of liking it. 

“Comfy.” I said, a small yawn escaping my lips. 

He smiled, warmly at my response, “I think it’s naptime for someone.” Daniel said, still smiling down at me. I felt a twinge of happiness in the hollow of my heart when he said those words. The attention I was receiving from him all of the sudden made me feel… capable of being loved once more. 

In a split second, I felt myself picked up from under my armpits and placed snugly on his hip, one of his hands holding my bottom as he walked down the stairs with me in his arms. I was starkly aware that he didn't give me my sweats back. Was this the regression aspect? It was, however, impressive how much he made me feel like I was light. 

He placed me on the end of the couch and wrapped me in a fuzzy white blanket before going back to his work on his laptop. My body felt tense as I laid there, mind analyzing what just had happened and how I felt. There was some element of comfort that I suddenly felt. I felt... loved? I glanced over to Daniel who was typing on his Microsoft Surface laptop, looking down to his notebook near him as he typed.

I glanced back down to my white blanket, shifting as I felt the soft diaper over my torso that went up, almost to my bellybutton. Being swaddled in the fuzzy blanket and smothered by this sudden attention from Daniel was... endearing? The feeling of embarrassment and raw vulnerability almost transgressed into an enjoyable feeling. A teaspoon of thrill into a cup of humiliation. 

I didn't truly know how I should feel, but who would? This was such a taboo situation my brain was muddled trying to overanalyze. I closed my eyes, nuzzling my nose into the throw pillow that had a fresh cotton scent. My brain ruminated for a few minutes until I fell into a long nap.

[Bigbabydale]

Like I was just getting in to it more

[Lionsheart]

Chapter 5

The smell of soup reached my nose as I awoke slowly from wonderful nap, one that made me stretch from my sheets when I awoke, slowly stirring. It was one of those naps where you forgot who you were, what year it was; the nap was so refreshing.

“Someone was a sleepy one, hm?” Daniel said, his voice warm as his brown eyes were watching me. I cracked open an eye, thinking that earlier was just an embarrassing dream. That this morning didn’t happen. That I hadn’t wet myself… twice. I felt a cold breeze between the hem of my burgundy baseball-style shirt and… diaper. 

I sat up quickly, looking down and blinking at the diapers edge exposed underneath the white blanket. I rubbed my eyes, covering my midsection to have some type of modesty. I looked up to Daniel who was walking over to me, an oven mitten in his hand. 

Daniel leaned down to me. He gently pushed the blanket away, finger going under the leak guard of the diaper quickly. I immediately tensed up, realizing he was checking my diaper like I was a toddler. My face felt red and I couldn’t move because I was wet. How did I not even notice until he checked me?

“Looks like someone needs a change.” Daniel said to himself, standing straight and looking down to me. 

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to-“ I shook my head in worry. 

He cut me off, “No, Blake.” Daniel placed his hands on his hips, “You can’t change yourself. That’s a rule.” Can’t? I’m not allowed? 

My eyebrows knitted together as I shook my head, “But-“ My mouth was open, ready to talk this through.

“Do you want to argue about this, young girl?” He said, in a stern voice and a serious stare.

I shook my head, honestly confused why I suddenly felt like I did something wrong, “I- uh, no.” I closed my mouth, looking shyly up to Daniel who was still serious, as if I did something bad. I shifted, feeling the warm squish of the diaper. I cringed at the thought that I wet myself… again. What was wrong with me? 

Daniel walked up the stairs as I sat, wanting to go to the restroom to relieve my bladder some more because I apparently didn’t get enough out during my sleep. Could I even use the restroom? I didn’t know. 

Daniel reappeared down the stairs with a few items in his hands. I shifted in discomfort as he flicked on his living areas lamp, lighting the room as the sun that once lit the room was going down. It must have been close to 6 ot 7 PM! I slept for a long while. He set down the items near my legs crossed in an indian style. 

“Lay back down, sweetie.” He said ‘sweetie’ and my heart melted a little. The word made me cringe, but also gave me a feeling of comfort. 

I nodded, as I laid back, “Um-“ Daniel sat at the edge of the couch, hand falling on the tape as he looked up to me, undoing one tape, “I-uh, still have to pee.” I said, softly, almost in a whisper. 

Daniel removed the second tape, acting as if he didn’t hear me, “Well then I’ll make the diaper change quick so you don’t peepee on the couch.” I felt embarrassment hit me like a semi-truck as he said the words 'peepee'. I got the message loud and clear: he was in control of when I got the diaper change and that I wouldn’t be using the restroom. I went quiet as he opened a new package of Huggies wipes, taking out a few. 

I squirmed as I felt the cold wipes tickle my inner thighs and travel down. The cold wet material caressed my bottom as he pushed my legs up, “Bring your hips up.” He commanded and I realized he was waiting for me as I snapped out of my embarrassed thoughts. I lifted my hips as he slid the diaper out from under me, “Good girl.” Hearing a positive affirmation made a small part of me happy, that I did one thing good today, even though I was being belittled.

My legs were almost over my head and I never thought I’d be in this position with Daniel when I agreed to live with him. He rolled the dirty diaper, taping it closed and unfolded the new one, sliding it under me with one of his hands on the back of my thigh to let me know I had to keep my hips up. He shook a waft of powder on my bottom, rubbing it gently. He let go of my leg as I lowered my bottom, he adjusted the diapers position under me and rubbed the powder on my front section. The front of the diaper was pressed down over me as he secured it on with tapes, cleaning up his supplies after. 

He went to the kitchen, washing his hands in the sink and checking on the soup as I sat up, looking at the television that quietly hummed with reruns of Game of Thrones on. I turned to it, realizing that I wasn’t caught up with the newest seasons because I hadn’t had a television in my own apartment. The television beeped and went black. I blinked, turning my head in annoyance to Daniel who was standing, watching me carefully. 

“You’re allowed 30 minutes of electronics a day, understand?” I gulped, nodding. It was better than having no TV, right? “Good. Dinner’s ready.” Why was he so strict? It was odd, alarming. He was a young guy, you’d think he’d be lax in that department and understand that the normal millennial population watches much more than a half an hour of TV a day and is on their phones or devices waaaaay more than one hour. This was going to be an adjustment, that was for sure.

I hesitated before getting up, wondering if I should take the blanket with me to the table. I had this feeling that Daniel would make me put it back, considering how strict he was being.

Daniel was placing the silverware on the table as I slowly walked, no, waddled, awkwardly clutching the hem of my shirt and pulling it down in front of my midsection, although it didn’t cover the white diaper between my thighs. As I walked, it was stiffly pushing my thighs apart, causing me to walk awkwardly to the table. I sat, with the pillow of the diaper under me, making sitting much more comfortable. I glanced up to Daniel who was watching me the whole time, with a warm smile on his face as if it were a cute sight. I blushed as he turned back to preparing the food.

A dark green ceramic bowl was placed in front of me, steaming with chicken and dumplings in it. It smelled wonderful and looked to be homemade. I glanced to the counter and saw a bag of flour and chicken broth, which reconfirmed my suspicions that is was homemade. Daniel caught my glance as he walked back over and my eyes fell on a pink sippy cup in his hands that he set in front of me. It had some sort of red juice in it. I stared at it am he got himself water.

“Cranberry juice. It’s a good source of antioxidants.” And it goes great with vodka, but terrible to vomit out. 

I nodded, “Proanthocyanodin.”

Daniels eyes flashed in surprise, “Yes, good girl.” He smiled, sitting down in front of me, “The more we talk it becomes more impressive to me how intelligent you are.” A twinge of surprise hit me from his sudden complement. It made me feel appreciated, special. I couldn’t make out the difference between flirting or him just being genuinely nice. I didn’t know but Daniel was a different breed of a person, willing to be a caretaker and take in someone hurt, lost. He was a puzzle I didn’t understand. 

“Uh, thanks.” I said, grabbing my spoon and dipping into the hot soup, letting it cool, “Too bad it didn’t get me anywhere.” I added, my self-sabotage reappearing without me stopping it. 

Daniel shook his head, “You’re still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Just because you were dealt some bad cards and took a few wrong turns doesn’t mean you can’t bounce back.” Easy to say, hard to do. If you don’t care or have no value, then what’s the purpose of all of that? 

I sipped the soup, not responding. I changed the subject, “So…” I took a dumpling, “What made you decide to take a special interest in me? I still don’t understand why you decided to help me, out of anyone else?” I ate the dumpling too soon, burning my tongue in anticipation of his answer. Daniel set down his spoon, looking to me for a long moment. 

His eyes traced my face, “Do you remember how we met?”

“At the hospital?” I asked, not understanding.

“We met a long time before that.” He said slowly, thoughtfully.

I shook my head, “You look familiar but I just can’t remember.” I said, my eyes trailing from his tanned skin, his warm brown eyes, to his strong jaw line.

He took a moment, waiting for some type of spark of memory to turn on in my eyes. Daniel sighed, “We met at a party in college. I saw you with your friends and I don’t know why but there was something about you that made me want to introduce myself. You passed me and looked at me while you were walking inside. I decided to follow you in to say hi a few minutes later.” Daniel closed his eyes, as if he were in pain, “By the time I got to the kitchen to be alone with you, you were on the ground, seizing. You were choking and needed immediate help before you went into cardiac arrest.” He opened his eyes, fixated on me. He was the one who saved my life? How did he know I was the same person that he met years ago?

“It was too late though, you had already lost oxygen and you had no pulse. You passed out and I began performing CPR and my friend came in. I told her to call an ambulance. My friend was an emergency room resident and that CPR wasn’t enough to revive you. I didn’t listen, I couldn’t.” 

He shook his head, “I followed you inside because I wanted to talk to you and maybe get your number.” He laughed lightly to himself in thought, “The last thing I was expecting was that.”

I stopped eating and put my spoon down, covering my face. So that’s what I was? A damn charity case. Great. He just felt bad for me. This whole time I thought he was being kind and now it made sense. 

“Are you okay?” Daniel asked, concern in his voice.

I shook my head, “Nothing. I’m just stupid.” I added quickly, “You don’t have to do this all for me. I get it, I’m a piece of crap, but don’t do it because you feel bad.” I looked down at my food, sadly.

Daniel said, “No. I’m doing this because you were the one that got away. I wanted to be there in the hospital when you woke up, but they didn’t let me. I only knew your name because of your friends. Ever since, I’ve wanted to see you again.” That was almost four years ago! How could he still even care? He paused, eyes tracing my face, “I haven’t not thought about you since and, by luck, you showed up at the hospital where I am a PRN clinical psychologist during the week that I was on-call. It was, admittedly, unprofessional to take you under my wing, but I couldn’t let you go away again, especially under your circumstances.” I was confused, was I a possible love interest of his or just a previous patient who needed help to him? 

I laughed, “This is crazy. I’m literally a stranger to you. It still doesn’t make any sense why you’d even consider helping me.” I was just some girl that passed him and he considered asking for my number… not that important. He could get any girl, any one! Especially someone else who didn’t wet themselves.

Daniel looked at me thoughtfully, “Because you’re the reason I changed my career path. I went into psychology to help people like you. If I can’t help the person who is the only reason I changed my perspective of life and the importance of mental health, then I’m a failure to myself and to you. Simple.” Daniel said, going back to his food. 

There was an awkward silence as I looked down to my food, “Bullshit.” 

His head snapped up, a calm expression masking his face, “Excuse me? Would you like to repeat that?” Daniels voice was smooth, but something told me I did something wrong the way he spoke low and slow.

I shook my head with a frown and he said, “You’re not allowed to curse, understand?” I nodded timidly. 

“You’re a good person. I don’t see why me seizing in front of you would change your perspective on life? Isn’t that a bit much to say?” I said, questioning him. He looked taken a back by the sudden skepticism to his vulnerable and honest moment.

He cleared his throat, “I was, excuse my language, a real cocky douchebag before that day. I didn’t care about people’s emotional state, although I was going to become a cardiologist. I thought that depression and anxiety were excuses, that addiction to drugs and alcohol were myths until I saw you.” I gave him an unbelieving look, squinting at him. Well, I still think it's all a myth and that I don't need counseling, but, apparently, no one believes me.

Daniel paused, looking at me carefully, “You caught my eye. I wanted to try dating you; I even told my friend with me that I bet I’d get your number that night. Obviously, that didn’t pan out, but I thought you had a seizure disorder when I found you on the floor. Then, when the EMT declared it was a drug overdose, I couldn’t believe it. You were so innocent looking, so seemingly normal. It interested me why you decided to do drugs in the first place. It made no sense in my head, to be quite honest. So I decided to take a few psychology classes and changed my specialty entirely. A few drug and alcohol addiction classes later, I found myself writing a dissertation on addiction. I began understanding what drove people to harm themselves and it changed me, as sappy as you may think it sounds, to be a more sympathetic and understanding person.” 

I took a moment before speaking, deciding to steer away from this subject, “Well, thank you, for letting me stay here. I don’t know how I can repay you, but I’m going to try.” I said, trying to act like the possibility of me getting a new job would be soon enough.

Daniel smiled, shaking his head as his dark straight brown hair moved, “I don’t expect that from you. Having someone here with me is nice as it is. Being alone most nights in a large home like this becomes lonely after a while.” He said, drinking his water. 

I nodded, looking up timidly, “Was this whole regression thing something you wanted to do? Or just an idea you really think will help?” I asked, curious. I glanced down to my diaper, realizing I felt my bladder still building and an urgency growing to pee.

Daniel looked caught off guard by my sudden question, thoughtfully looking at me, “Both. But only with you, no one else.” He said, slowly thinking. 

I squinted, confused as I set down my spoon, “So what makes me special?” I asked, my head tilting like his during our old therapy sessions. 

Daniel sighed, looking down at my bowl, “You have to eat that all before you leave the table, Blake.” I frowned, looking at my half eaten food. He got up, cleaning the dishes at the island counter. I went back to my soup, eating the chicken and dumplings. They were very good and I loved the fact that it was homemade.

I thought he was going to ignore my question until he began speaking, “You need structure in your life. Someone to depend on. A stable home to grow in. Just because you're legally an 'adult' doesn't mean you're not still impressionable.” He dried a plate, looking at me, his eyes going down, then back up. I blushed, noticing he was looking at my diaper and bare legs underneath the table, “I tried contacting your parents and it became apparent your having issues with parental alienation which can cause severe depression, especially when you value their opinion.” He tried contacting my parents? He went that far? Why didn’t he tell me earlier?

I interjected, “I don’t-“ 

Daniel gave me a look, “You do, no matter how much you say you don’t. Your parents shouldn’t be so harsh and I think it’s counterproductive to helping you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s set in stone.” Daniel paused, placing his hands on the sink, “As far as the regression therapy…”

I gulped, waiting to hear his reasoning, “It’s something I had heard about once or twice, but with the wrong caregiver or technique, it can go downhill quickly. I wouldn’t have actually considered it if you weren’t living with me; however, for the fact that you are going to be living with me, I thought this therapy was specially designed for someone like you. You need structure, as I said before, and if I restrict certain things, you’ll begin to appreciate them when it becomes a reward.” He said, as if giving a lecture. Ugh, it was like I was living with a professor. 

I looked at my soup, moving around a carrot at the bottom of the bowl, “So, uh, why the diapers then?” I asked, glancing at him as I ate the carrot. The word 'diaper' made me internally cringe but my curious mind wanted to know.

“You wet yourself three times today.” He said, giving me a serious look like I should know why. I internally winced; he was right, but it hurt my ego to hear aloud.

I responded quickly, trying to wipe away the humiliation creeping up to my face, “Agreed. But will I have to wear them every day?” 

“That’s dependent on circumstances and your behavior.” He said, firmly. I frowned, I was hoping that maybe he’d say he was into some type of kinky shit that involved diapers… not the fact that it would be a form of punishment or because I wet myself. 

My interest was lost as I ate the rest, “I finished it, may I be excused?” I looked up to him with innocent eyes. 

He threw his head back with a laugh, “Not so fast, little one. You have to finish your drink too.” Little one. The words made me feel cute, in some weird way. Ugh. I have to stop melting every time he uses a new combination of words to call me.

I frowned, sighing as I took a sip, knowing I’d be wetting myself soon, “So why aren’t you disgusted with the diapers and all? Or are you and your just being nice? Like, I don’t get it.” My thoughts spilling out quickly. 

Daniel sat at the table with me, watching me drink with a small smile on his face, “Because I think you’re cute.” I somehow fumbled my sippy cup and sat it on the table, blinking in surprise about how blunt he was. I wasn’t expecting that.

“… but it’s gross.” I tilted my head at him, now judging him when he could have judged me this whole day for wetting myself three times. Here I go again, attempting to ruin a good thing. He was being nice and I was turning the tides on him. 

He cracked a smile with a chuckle, “It’s not to me. I see you as no different than an actual baby and you’re just one in adult form in my eyes. I’m not grossed out as much as you may be and, being in the medical field, trust me, I’ve seen many things and smelled many things worse.” I blushed, feeling the embarrassment of him comparing me to an actual baby. He paused, as if deciding to continue or not, “You just are precious in my eyes. It’s hard for me to not look at you in a diaper and not smile.” It’s like… I wanted the answer and he gave it to me and it just placed me lower on the embarrassment spectrum. 

I sighed, “I was hoping you were just into super kinky stuff or something taboo but apparently you’re just strangely really nice and it’s disappointing.” 

He rose his eyebrows at me, cocking his head as he looked thoughtful, “I was not expecting you to say that but I’m sorry to disappoint you, Blake. This is something platonic to me and I don’t want to cross that line with you. I want you to feel safe and secure with me, nothing else.” Daniel smiled warmly. I felted a ping of sadness, almost forgetting who I was for a moment. 

What was I thinking? That he actually may like me in a way more than friends? That he may find me sexually appealing? Why did my brain go there? I was disgusting and not appetizing, he would never see me in that way. Sure, he had wanted my number to pursue me when he first saw me, but ever since I seized in front of him, he probably sees me as a little sister or friend. Although I may think he’s handsome and dreamy in some weird way, he wouldn’t go for someone like me, ever. He was a doctor and I was a college dropout and Daniel deserved better. Much, much better. 

[junyour]

This looks like a story worth commenting and following. Please continue as your muse inspires.

[CDfm]

I am really enjoying this story. Admittedly the beginning was horribly dark but things certainly feel better now that Dr Daniel has taken over control. I was thrilled I had a like to give it and I was looking forward to reading more. 

[Jayme]

Every chapter delves deeper into Blake's emotional issues and her personal struggles with finding a reason to live. Daniel has his work cut out for him and I wonder if Blake will realise that Daniel may have more than platonic feelings for her?

I really enjoy how you have brought your characters to life. I can visualize Blake's struggles and see her as I read what has been posted. Daniel is also starting to become more of a "person" than just a line of text as well.

Blake's confidence and self loathing will be a challenge to redirect or remove if possible.

Thank you for your beautiful story with us here.

[Lionsheart]

Why hello everyone! I had a chapter I wrote and hadn't posted so here's another. I appreciate all of your comments and wouldn't have posted this last one for another month if not for seeing your guy's feedback and enjoyment of the story, haha. I'm almost graduated and am close to having the summer off which means more content from me very soon! Thanks for everyone's patience with my stories ?

 

Chapter 6

After drinking my cranberry juice, Daniel let me go to my room. What would I do if I could only use the TV or my phone for thirty minutes? I didn’t have really anything. When I walked in my room, I saw a box of crayons and a coloring book on my bed that had my recently washed comforter on it and the bed was made. I stood there, looking at the 64 pack of crayons and flipping through the dinosaur coloring book.

“I know it’s not much,” I jumped, realizing Daniel was behind me, “but I thought it’d give you something to do. Maybe tomorrow I’ll take you to the bookstore and we can get some books?” He tilted his head as he leaned against my doorless frame. His eyes looked weary, with bags under them. I guess that’s how I’d look without my long nap. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who didn’t sleep last night? He reminded me almost of a tired dad.

I blinked, thinking about that word and what the idea of a father once meant. I didn’t have any contact with him anymore, which was a sad thought. I had always been a tomboy growing up, always closest to my dad no matter how much my youngest sister competed for his love. I was always the hardest worker between them, one that looked the closest to my father. I had his green eyes, dull brown hair and a stupid, small bump on my nose that looked like I accidentally ran into a door and never got it fixed. 

My sisters Zoey and Gretchen, however, inherited my mother’s beautifully ski-slope nose, blonde hair and brown eyes. Zoey, my middle sister, had the prettiest qualities and was already getting attraction from guys in only middle school. I had to act like she already had a boyfriend once to ward off a weird kid trying to date her that she didn’t like.

I missed my sisters. They always did stupid things with me and we always pranked each other and our mom. Of course, mother was never a fan of our scheming nature. Her and I always had butt heads, ever since I was very young. 

She always said I was the mistake that turned out to be a happy accident. That I was the coal that turned into a diamond when I was accepted into Harvard. My mother always had reminded me that she didn’t go to college because she had me. That she married my father because shehadto. That she raised us and I was the most difficult child. That I was still and forever would be, the most difficult child. No matter how hard I worked, it wouldn’t matter, because I was still a lost cause, a disappointment to the family. The list was a hard pill to swallow, but I always knew I was a burden to the family. Still was, yet I don’t even see them anymore.

I gulped, my eyes casting down as I realized Daniel was walking over to me as I spaced out, his long hand easily finding the edge of my diaper, poking inside. 

“I can just tell you when I’m wet.” I said, looking up and quickly changing my word choice because ‘wet’ sounded like I was sexually excited, “Or you know, used the restroom…” I trailed off, overthinking it. God, leave it to me to take something out of context. It sounded normal when he said it, but when I say it, everything goes downhill. 

Daniel ignored my sudden awkwardness, his face not showing any indication that he actually was listening, “Do babies tell their parents when they need a change?” He tilted his head, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Warmth spread across my face, “I mean, they would if they could.” I said quickly, my eyes shifting at his sudden intensity.

Daniel chuckled lightly, “I think you’ll understand that I have expectations of you and an attitude is not one of them.”

I blinked, shaking my head, “I-I didn’t mean to have an attitude.” I felt my face getting hot and my lip tremble. Was I really going to cry over this?

Daniel placed his hand on my back, “It’s okay. I just want you to think before you speak. After a few days you’ll understand the rules more, okay?” He rubbed my upper back and I nodded, the feeling of touch making me feel warm and fuzzy. Daniel’s hand went away and I felt the ghost of his touch as he began walking out of my room, “Bedtime is at 9 PM. You have an hour and a half, I’ll be in my room.” He looked at me wearily for a moment before walking down the hallway to his room. 

I stared at my leg, in a trance of my own thoughts as I squinted, wondering where my phone was and realizing he said I could only have a half an hour on electronics at a time. The last time I saw it was… yesterday night on my bed stand? How could I be so forgetful!? I looked at my nightstand and my phone was… gone. Daniel confiscated it! Fuck. Me. 

I tapped my fingers on my bare thigh, feeling the separation anxiety of being away from my phone. I sighed, crawling to the middle of the bed and laying on my tummy, feeling the soft diaper crinkle underneath me. The feeling of my bladder on my stomach was becoming apparent so I decided to sit, Indian positon, although it wasn’t an optimal coloring position.

After a few moments of anxiety of sitting and thinking of my own demise, I decided to do something to get my mind off of everything. I opened the 64 pack of crayons, inhaling the magical scent of a new pack of crayons. Memories of being in summer camp as a child coloring went through my mind. Memories of coloring with my sisters when they were younger when I babysat them. Memories that gave me less stress, when times were much simpler. 

After 20 minutes of coloring, my urge to go to the restroom was becoming too strong. I shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position and ending up standing, doing a potty dance. I finally stopped and stood near my dresser, clutching the dark wood and trying to breathe slow, allowing myself to pee. I was becoming frustrated after a few minutes, still not going. You’d think it’d be easy, right? Yet I couldn’t will myself. It was becoming apparent I was a failure of all trades, even trying to pee in a diaper. Who knew? Surely, not I.

On my last attempt, I felt a tickle as I tinkled slowly until a strong stream hit, making me want to stop in the case that the diaper couldn’t hold, yet I couldn’t stop. I could hear the silent hiss of urine and winced, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t leak. After a minute, I was left surprised that it hadn’t. I was scared to move as I shifted, feeling the weight of the diaper hang. Now I was beginning to understand of the importance of taping the diaper snug and how it truly kept the diaper in place.

I waddled back to my bed, the pull of the diaper making it harder to walk. As I sat down, I felt the warm squish as I cringed internally. There was some odd satisfaction in the warmth and squishy cushion that I didn’t want to admit to. Some vulnerability and ego stripping that made it almost enjoyable in some twisted way. 

A half an hour passed and I heard Daniel walking down the hall. My back tensed in anticipation for him to find out. I heard the door close to the bathroom and the shower start and I grumbled in annoyance that I still was wearing a wet diaper that wasn’t pleasant anymore. Couldn’t I get a diaper rash? Could adults even get those? I didn’t want to find the answer out myself but I had a feeling that wasn’t healthy for women’s reproductive organs. 

I sat on my back for about five minutes, still irritated that I was waiting to be changed. Not only that, but I was tremendously bored. The coloring only kept me engaged for as little as twenty minutes. The lack of my phone and social media was making me wonder what my old friends and people I knew were doing. Had anyone messaged me? Had my manager texted me about next weeks schedule? Daniel said I could quit, but I decided it was healthy enough to work there once a week at the least.

I sighed, getting up and wincing as the cold diaper moved with me and I waddled out of the room, creeping quietly like a mouse down the hallway. I tiptoed passed the bathroom towards Daniels room as it was ajar, with the light on. I pushed it open, slivering in and widening my eyes at the large room with a walk-in closet. There was a huge California king size bed in the center, one warm grey-almost-brown wall that the bed rested upon and white walls surrounding. There were soft white lamps that illuminated the room with dark brown dressers and artwork hung up. 

I nudged myself out of my moment, awing his invitingly decorated room and looking to his dresser and nightstand tops for my phone. I waddled over to his dresser, opening the top door slowly and seeing it was his underwear drawer. Neatly folded. Hanes briefs to be exact. Definitely not my phone. I grumbled, hand moving to the next drawer.

“What are you doing in my room?” 

I yelped, my heart suddenly pounding as I met Daniel’s deadpanned face, staring at me unblinkingly. He seemed irritated, quietly walking in and setting his clothes into a hamper, resting his hands on his hips as he looked at me. He was waiting for a response as I still looked like I got caught trying to steal cookies out of a cookie jar. I didn’t want to speak, just crawl in a hole because I was caught. He took fast showers! 

The silence drove me to stutter, “I-I just was…” I looked behind me to his opened underwear drawer, “looking for my phone.” I held my elbow and bit my lip as my eyes cast to the ground in embarrassment.

“Do you think you’re going to get it now from your recent actions?” He tilted his head, his question thought provoking and making me feel guilty. 

I felt my eyes water as I shook my head, “No.” I said in a whisper. 

Daniel sighed, shaking his head in disappointment, “Go to your room.” I walked out slowly, a few tears falling down my face as I waddled down the hallway in disgrace. I was humiliated to be in a diaper, but now guilty for being caught trying to uncover Daniel’s secret hiding place for my phone. Why was I such an awful, despicable person? I was disgusted with myself.

I laid on my bed, clasping my hands over my stomach as I waited. A few minutes later, Daniel came in, going to my dresser and pulling out diaper supplies from the top drawer. So that’s where he was keeping them? I blushed, looking to the ceiling.

He came over to me, untaping the heavy wet diaper and taking out wipes. Daniel was quiet and when I glanced at his face, he looked to be quietly fuming. He focused on the diaper change and didn’t look up to me as he went. 

After the change, he finally spoke, “I was going to let you wear underwear for most of tomorrow but you have earned yourself a full day in pull-ups.” Daniel stood, throwing the rolled up dirty diaper in the waste basket. 

Daniel looked at me for the first time since he came in the room with a serious look in his brown eyes, “Also, you are not allowed any electronic time tomorrow and I’m cutting your bedtime to 8:30 tonight.” He crossed his arms, giving me a stern look to let me know I was in trouble. I shifted sadly on my bottom and frowned, knowing I messed up. Why was I so stupid? 

“I’ll be back, little miss.” If the wordslittle missdidn’t mean Daniel was mad at me, I don’t know what else would have been a better indication. 

Daniel walked out, heading down the stairs. I threw my face into the pillow and grumbled into it. This sucked! I worked a half-day tomorrow, had a doctor’s appointment AND now had to wear a pull-up all day? Not to mention, I wasn’t even tired! How was I supposed to go to sleep? These were kind of steep punishments for going into his room while he was taking a shower!

He came back with a cup, no… bottle in his hands that I stared at for a moment in confusion. It had milk in it and a nipple on it like a baby’s bottle. The next part that surprised me was he sat on my papasan chair, patting his lap with my purple blanket in his arms. I hesitated, wondering if he were serious. A moment later I got up, walking over in obedience as I laid on his lap, surprised he even wanted to be close to me after I broke his trust. 

I was tense as he pulled me into a cradle and cuddled the purple blanket over me. I felt swaddled, and cuddly, almost instantly as the nipple of the bottle fell between my lips before I had a moment to fully immerse myself into what was happening. 

A warm, honey-like, milk spilled between the teat of the bottle as I sucked slowly. It was calming, although I knew Daniel was mad, being in his arms and feeling so cared for. I met Daniel’s eyes watching me with a slight smile on his face, as if he was actually enjoying watching me drink from the bottle. 

I found a rhythm and the slow rhythm was becoming soothing. Within minutes I finished the bottle, surprising myself. He took it away and I thought he would place me in my bed right after, yet he didn’t. He began playing with my hair, brushing it with his fingertips. The touch of his gentle fingers brought me to a state of love. Not that I had it for him, but it made me feel loved. My eyes began closing in peace and enjoyment of the sensation. I was actually becoming sleepy, which was odd because I never got tired at this time. 

He stood with me in his arms, placing me on my bed and tucking me in. He flicked off my light and came over to my bedside, kissing my head. In the dark, I looked up to him with sad puppy eyes, wondering why he was being so nice to such a disappointment of a person like myself. 

Within minutes, I fell asleep against my usual bedtime pattern.

[CDfm]

Great new chapter. She seems destined to learn the hard way. Daniel continues to give her breaks and she takes advantage every time.? I was happy to give this a like and I am looking forward to reading more. 

[Jayme]

I loved the new addition and wonder if she will ever open up to Daniel or her therapist and truly start the healing process. 

On little grammatical issue caught my attention

On 4/18/2019 at 7:21 PM, Lionsheart said:

I could hear the silent hiss of urine and winced, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t leak.

How can someone hear something that's silent?

[Sarah Penguin]

Enjoying this, hoping for more when you can

[lookingfordad]

I want more

[Tim bowman]

I will give you what u need

[Lionsheart]

I'm going to be completely honest, I hit a writer's block with this story and then, as I was watching a movie, the spark was reignited for the return and ending of it. I titled this 'Short Story' in my files and, alas, it's not turning out like that. 60 pages and 20k + words later, I failed myself yet again. Anywho, it might be a mid-short to novel story, but here we go again. ? 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

 

I stared at the GoodNites pull-up that had butterfly print across it for minutes as I patted myself dry from my shower. Could I be any more embarrassing at work? I already had cheek acne and look prepubescent, the added pull-up could only make things worse! 

It was way too early in the morning for my brain to be thinking this hard. What if I just don’t put it on? He wouldn’t know, right? 

I bit my lip, feeling the soft outer material and inner absorbent layer. It did look comfy and cute, but that’s the opposite of my tough exterior. I wasn’t cute. Far from it. I glanced at my face, puffy under eyes and a new zit appearing on my cheek. Disgusting. To think, once my skin was flawless. Maybe all of the pop, alcohol and ramen wasn’t a good diet for my acne after all. 

I gulped, threading my legs through the soft, crinkly material and up to my hips. It snugly sat, yet something felt like it was missing and it wasn’t as comfortable as the diaper. Daniel’s words echoed in my head when he handed me the GoodNite and baby powder: Don’t forget the powder. I shook my head, deciding to not use it. I didn’t want to smell like a baby at work; it was too risky enough to wear a night-time pull-up.

I pulled my jeans over it, turning and looking at my behind in the mirror with a frown. It didn’t show to the degree I imagined it would in my head. 

A knock sounded on the door, “Almost done in there? We’re running late.” Daniel’s voice said behind the door. 

I opened the door, with a shy nod and my dirty clothes in my hands. I began walking past him to throw my clothes in the hamper in my room, until he stopped me with a hand on my stomach as I felt his other hand pulling the back of my jeans as he peaked at my Goodnite.

“Good girl, but I think you forgot something, didn’t you?” He stood straight as he folded his arms like a disappointed parent.

I blushed as I walked forward to my room and placed my clothes in the hamper. Daniel walked away as I quickly brushed my hair, looking into the square mirror in my room. Daniel came back with the baby powder bottle in his hand and immediately began unbuttoning my jeans, yanking them down. 

“I don’t know why I had this idea that a toddler could diaper themselves.” He said, as if to someone else and not to me. I stood there awkwardly with my jeans around my thighs as he opened the back of my GoodNite and a waft of powder sprinkled on my bottom and he shook a generous amount on my front section, pulling down my pull-up and quickly patting it in and then pulling it back up. The smell of powder drifting to my nose and I scrunched it as I felt the soft padding enclosed on me. The padding was cool and super soft from the powder and it made a world of a difference on my bottom as Daniel pulled my pants up, helping to button and zip them. 

“Much better, hm?” He asked, looking down to me. My nose was still scrunched as I nodded, knowing I now smelled like a baby. Great. He nodded, a crooked smile on his face as he looked at mine, taking my hand to leave.

 

“So… you used to be one of the managers here?” The new hire, Nick, asked behind his square wire glasses. He had orange hair and light blue eyes with freckle and acne scattered around his face. To think, I looked his age of 16 yet I was much much older. 

“Yeah.” I said as I cleaned the glass prize counter with Windex. Was he going to do work, or just ask me questions? 

“So, uh, what happened?” He pushed his glasses up on his face.

“I needed less hours.” I said, biting my lip as my back was turned from him. 

“Oh. That’s not what I heard.” I squinted at a speck I tried rubbing off as I put my forehead on my sleeve, blotting off my sweart beading on my forehead. Of course it was hot out, and the pull-up was making my privates a damn hot box. 

“What did you hear?” I asked, hair sticking to my face as I turned around. 

“Nevermind. I probably shouldn’t have said that, sorry.” He awkwardly looked away.

“You brought it up so tell me.” I said, eyes glaring a hole through him as he stood near the mini fan on the counter. 

Nick stuttered, “I, uh-“ He blinked, “Someone said you were into drugs or something and were demoted.” I squinted in a glare and shook my head. How could anyone know? How would he know? It’s his third fucking day for Christ sakes! “By the way, did you know any marijuana dealers? Me and my friends want to try it.” 

I rolled my eyes and walked away, annoyed. Who would even know? I’ve never told anyone here about what I do besides… Veronica who used to work here and is Kellie’s best friends daughter. It had to be her! How could I be so stupid?!

I froze, fingers tapping the Windex bottle, irritated that this newcomer knew. Why was it Kellie’s information to spread? If she were my boss, then why in the hell was she sharing gossip? I felt my blood beginning to boil as I clenched my jaw. 

“How’s it going, Blake?” Speak of the fucking devil. I turned my head in her direction and nodded, walking past Kellie to the arcade room. I could hear Kellie behind me huff and walk away, feeling my instant cold shoulder. 

An hour later, the glass windows of all the claw machines were spotless. I walked back over to the prize counter, a small line growing as Nick looked flustered. I rolled my eyes, why was he flustered? There was four fucking people in line! I’d like to see how he’d work on a Saturday night at Jenkin’s Fun Land. He wouldn’t last ten minutes on a night like that! I walked up to the counter, helping the line. 

“I want that one mama!” A five year old pointed to the highest shelf where the stuffed green giraffe was. 

“700 tickets.” I said, with a plastic smile. 

The mom’s mouth gaped, “Excuse me? How much?!” My eyebrows shot up at the sudden reaction. 

“700 tickets for the green giraffe, m’am.” I said with a steady voice. This fucking job was not worth the stress of arguing with a customer.

“I spent 50 dollars here and you tell me that I only won 450 tickets to get a small prize? This is a rip-off!” She said, flabbergasted. 

I didn’t care for her sudden attitude and word vomit came out, “You brought your daughter to a children’s casino and, unfortunately, that’s the price of gambling that your daughter will have to learn one day. The games are all probability and not in your favor. Sorry.” I shrugged. 

She blinked rapidly at me with her fake eyelashes and dark brown eyes, “Excuse me!? Let me talk to the manager!” 

I smiled, tilting my head, “I am one.” 

“Oh, this is ridiculous! You people here are rude and I demand a refund for the poor service!” 

“I’m sorry but we have a strict no-refund policy.” My face was hot from the line of customers behind her watching. 

She scoffed, “Who’s your general manager? I need a phone number to call.” 

“I mean, she’s in the back if you want her?” Nick said, awkwardly behind me. I blinked to him in a ‘shut-the-fuck-up’ look as he shrugged. 

“Yes, please!” 

My eyes shifted to the perturbed customer, “Please step aside and she’ll be right with you.” I placed my best plastic smile on and nodded to the counter’s corner at the opposite end. 

I glanced at the next people in line, my eyes meeting a familiar set of brown ones at the end who was watching me. My face got hotter as I realized he was watching me argue with a customer. Sure, I had a bit of an attitude, but it’s not like I was in the wrong, right? I blinked to the next set of customers who seemed annoyed to be waiting so long.

“SHE,” The woman’s finger pointed to me, “was INCREDIBLY rude and she’s a  manager  here? What type of establishment are you running?” The woman spoke loudly as my ears picked up the whole conversation between the customer and my manager. 

“Blake, can you cash out fifty dollars for me?” Kellie said in a serious tone after I helped two sets of customers. 

I bit my tongue, nodding, “Sure.” I rustled my keys as Nick went over to Daniel who waited patiently. 

“How can I help you sir?” Nick asked. 

“I’m her ride when she’s done.” Daniel said politely to Nick. 

“Oh, sorry.” Nick said, awkwardly retreating to the back.

I handed Kellie the money and she stared at it, not touching it as she nodded to the customer. 

I swallowed back my pride and said, “Here you are, m’am, two 20s and a 10 which is 50 dollars refunded. I’m sorry about the inconvenience.” I nodded, not meeting her eyes as I walked away as if I had a tail between my legs, “I have to clock out Kellie.” I said, glancing at her and then turning away. 

“Before you do, I want you to apologize for your attitude to the customer.” As my back was turned, I rolled my eyes, placing my hand over my mouth in annoyance. Why was she talking to me in a condescending way? It was belittling, especially in front of the customer.

I recomposed as I turned around with a fake smile on my face, “I’m very sorry for the attitude earlier. I was just having a bad day.” I said, nodding and turning back around as I went to the computer at the front desk, clocking out with a sigh. Was I sorry? Nope, the bitch deserved my attitude. 

“Fuck this job.” I said to myself. 

“I’m going to need your keys before you leave.” Kellie said as I began walking to the prize counter to meet Daniel.

“I- what?” I asked, confused. 

“You’re being demoted to a part-time team member.” She said, without a trace of empathy.

“What? You only have one other manager and Randall doesn’t even do anything when he’s here! I clean, everything!”  I had to throw Randall under the bus; he was lazy and everyone knew that much.

“How many times are you going to use excuses to chalk up bad customer service, Blake? I can’t have my managers acting like children.” I blinked, that one burned. “Now give me the keys before I promote you to customer.” I got the message loud and clear. I shut my mouth, taking my keys off my own key chain and handing her them, walking past her. 

 

After ten minutes of silence in the truck, Daniel spoke, “So, what happened?”

“I’m a team member now. Yippee.” I said, dejectedly as I looked at the trees we passed outside.

“And why do you think that is?” Daniel asked, in a therapy-thought-provoking type of way. I sighed, annoyed he was interviewing me still like I was still his patient.

“Because I’m a failure.” I said, with a pinch of sass. I was annoyed, irritable, one could say. I didn’t want to talk about it. 

“You’re not. You just don’t feel valued where you work and could use a different change of scenery.” Daniel said, looking over at me then back to the road as I stared ahead with my mouth in a line, acting like I was frozen in time because I didn’t want to think about it. Daniel sighed, “Well, at least you can talk about it with Dr. Hayward, hm?” He glanced back at me as I was still staring ahead, unblinkingly.

I didn’t move, I just sat until I had to get up to walk inside to Dr. Hayward’s office. I didn’t talk much during the session and Dr. Hayward was on to me. My answers were short, to the point and he seemed to be understanding that I didn’t want to be there. 

“We can just cut the crap and you can just hang out as I do some work? I won’t tell Daniel if you don’t.” Dr. Hayward winked at me as he picked up his laptop. 

The first emotion since I was demoted slowly spread into a small smile on my face. I definitely liked Dr. Haywards approach to counseling better than Daniel’s. He was laid back and didn’t constantly prod and try to pry information from me. 

“You can go on your phone, whatever. Any book you want to read on my shelves, have at it.” He said as he began typing as I sat there awkwardly, realizing I didn’t even have my phone to mindlessly pass the time. 

I shrugged, standing and walking over to his shelf, my eyes scanning the spines of the books. I smiled, nothing was as enjoyable as opening up a new book I had never read. That was the one thing I loved the most as a kid: bookstores. The smell of new leaf paper and coffee always would have a special place in my heart, no matter how much eBooks took the world by storm. 

For the next hour, I looked over an anatomy book, eyes tracing the structures of the body. 

“Alright Blake, I’m booting you out.” Dr. Hayward said with a smug smile. 

“Good, I can finally leave this painful therapy session.” I said with a dash of dry humor as I set the book on the shelf and straightened my clothes as Dr. Hayward grunted in a chuckle, leading me out to the waiting area. Daniel speaking to the front desk administration, leaning against the counter. 

I walked up slowly with Dr. Hayward who set my file on the counter and made small talk with Daniel. I tuned them out, looking outside and awkwardly clutching my elbows. 

“See you tomorrow at group therapy, Blake.” Dr. Hayward nodded, walking over to his next patient. 

 

On the ride home, Daniel began prodding, “How are you feeling on the scale?” 

I sucked on my bottom lip, shoulders tensing, “I rather not talk about anything with you.” The words coming off with an edge I hadn’t intended. How rude could I be? This doctor was letting me live with him, offered to pay for groceries and my sessions, and I couldn’t even be polite? What disgusting human was I?

Daniel’s head turned to me then back to the road as I turned my head to the window, looking out in hatred for myself. 

“That’s okay, Blake. You don’t need to.” He said, a bit of hurt emanating from him as I closed my eyes. Was I acting like an angsty teenager? Yep, exactly lie one. 

As we walked in, I began ascending the stairs to my door less room. I halted as Daniel followed, taking my hand gently, “Ah, ah, ah, Blake, I want you to come with me.” I sighed, closing my eyes and opening them, biting my tongue as he led me to his couch, pushing me on my back, “Stay.” He said softly, walking away as I laid there, wanting to cry and be alone. 

He came back with diaper supplies and I wanted to kick myself. Not only had I lost my title at work, but now I was going back to diapers once more in life. It’s like every aspect of life was regressing. How could life get any worse?

I closed my eyes, trying not to be a big baby and cry. Daniel tugged my jeans off as I helped my raising my bottom and then he pulled off the Goodnite. Moments later I had a thick white diaper between my legs and smelled like a powder puff. 

“Okay, now you’re allowed to go back upstairs. You have an hour and then dinnertime.” Daniel said, eyeing me as I wiggled my body as he patted my leg, not giving me pants. 

I stood, feeling the infantile garment weighing down my self-esteem as I waddled up the stairs, feeling Daniel’s eyes watching me. I crawled into bed, having a self-pity party, crying as I crawled under my covers, wishing everything were different. Wishing I wasn’t such a appalling person. Wishing I was still in college. Wishing I had never done drugs. Wishing I wasn’t such a failure. Wishing I had never been born. 

After my self-pity, I stared out the window of the room, thinking about my drowning sorrows. It was hard not to hate myself. It was difficult to think that I deserved someone to care for me. If not, I would have been under the ground by now, yet, it was still feasible. The world didn’t need someone as insufferable as me, nor did Daniel. Nice people deserved nice things. The poor guy didn’t need a college dropout turned druggie in his house. I closed my eyes, feeling the pain, the unshakeable feeling of depression that left me close to emotionless, barren inside. 

“Dinnertime, little Blake.” I heard, as I stared out the window, realizing my self-pity turned self-hatred party drowned on for longer than anticipated. 

I didn’t move a muscle, not hungry. I didn’t deserve food. I didn’t deserve Daniel, for that matter. I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to envelope in my emotionless state and not move the rest of the night. Maybe sleep through life if possible.

I felt a weight on the bed, near where I lay. His hand touched my shoulder, “C’mon, Blake. There’s a plate of grilled chicken with veggies calling your name.” He rubbed my shoulder and I wanted to die from the extent of embarrassment and shame. 

“Please. Leave. I’m. Not. Hungry.” I said, gritting my teeth with attitude coming out of my mouth.

I could hear a sigh, as if Daniel were weary of me, “Excuse me? Would you like to repeat that young lady?” 

I turned my chin in his direction, “You’re a sick fuck and I don’t need your help, Daniel. Leave me alone.” I turned my head back, feeling so much pain as I said the words. I didn’t mean them, but I wanted nothing more than self-sabotage. I wanted to hurt and be hurt. If Daniel wasn’t getting the message that I was a toxic person, then I’d spell it out for him. 

I felt the weight of him on the bed leave as I assumed he was leaving the room. Thank god, I thought, closing my eyes, placing my hand on my face. I heard him in front of me as he kneeled, eyes at my level as I opened mine. 

“You don’t mean that and I think someone needs some cuddle time tonight, hm?” Daniel said with a smile, not taking what I said a few seconds ago seriously. 

I grumbled, turning away from him, “No, I’m good.” My blanket going up slightly as I hid my face into a pillow, almost smiling at how delusional Daniel was. Didn’t he understand I was an awful person? What was this man not understanding!?

“That’s it, if you want me to treat you like a baby then I’m going to have to. C’mere.” He said, scooping me up as I didn’t even try to fight, I just let him. Treat me like a baby? What did that mean? 

He held me in a cradle as he walked, taking me down the stairs and setting me on his kitchen chair. Daniel’s warm brown eyes studied my blank ones as I looked the opposite direction of him, not wanting his attention in the slightest. 

He sighed, going to the kitchen and grabbing a few things. He came back as in the corner of my eye I could see something that was a light pink floating towards me, going around my neck and being snapped. I frowned looking down and feeling the cloth material that had a little pink bear on it. 

“Are you serious?” I asked, voice croaking in defiance. 

Daniel began cutting my chicken and broccoli on my plate, ignoring my comment. He stabbed a few pieces, bringing it up to my mouth and saying, “Open up, baby Blake.” My cheeks were red as I timidly complied, opening my mouth as he stuck in piece after piece. Between bites he’d cheer me, tucking hair behind my ear and telling me what a ‘good girl’ I was. 

“Look at you Blake! What a good girl eating all your chicken and veggies!” He said, smiling like a proud father. I frowned slightly, looking sadly at the sippy cup he scooted towards me. 

“Drink your sippy and then you can color or play with toys.” He said, going to his food that became cold. 

“Don’t I get phone time tonight?” I asked, first words since he began feeding me. I looked at the sippy cup full of water then to him. 

“You’ve already lost that privilege today.” Daniel said strictly, without remorse as he met my eyes. 

I huffed, “This is all stupid.” 

Daniel stabbed a piece of broccoli, “How so? Expand.” 

My eyes glared at him as he had a small smirk forming on his face, “I’m not a baby, Daniel! I’m a-“ I stuttered, eyes shifting, “A-adult.” 

“Mhm, and give me an example of when you demonstrated that today?” He smiled, finishing his plate and taking our  dishes to the sink. 

I sputtered, “I-um-“ I felt attacked, eyes watering as I blinked, suddenly emotional. Why was I becoming so emotional? Daniel set the plates in the sink, coming back over to me and picking me up. 

I didn’t finish my sentence as I began crying, like a baby, in Daniel’s arms and he rubbed my back, taking off the bib. He sat us down on the couch as I cried into his chest, sniffling. 

“Shhhh, shhh. No need to think adult thoughts, hm? Just relax, enjoy the little things.” He rubbed my back, cooing in my ear softly. 

After I was done crying, he nudged the sippy cup between my lips and I grabbed it with both of my hands, drinking it quickly as if I was stranded on the Sahara desert and needed it. I hadn’t drank much after all and the crying really dried my throat out.

 Daniel typed away on his laptop as I colored away, basking in the scent of Crayola crayons and swaddled in the fuzzy white blanket to keep warm on the ground. 

“Coloring time is over, how about we watch a movie, huh?” Daniel said as I placed my crayons back in their box and nodded. I felt bad for acting like a brat earlier, a cry did help steady my emotions. I didn’t want to be rude when Daniel was nothing but nice afterall. 

Daniel picked me up, placing me on the couch as he unbuttoned his dress shirt, throwing it across the other side of the couch as he laid down, flipping though movies in his digital collection on the television. I sat near his knees, not knowing if I should lay next to him or sit back. That would be awkward if I sat back right? My sudden shyness hitting me like a brick, not knowing what to do in situations like these. I wasn’t so great at these things, especially if we had a platonic relationship. We shouldn’t be ‘cuddling’ right? 

I sat, eyes cast to the television with my mind battling on what to do, yet I was too socially awkward to do anything, quite honestly. 

“How does Toy Story 4 sound?” Daniel looked over to me with a crooked smile. I shrugged, biting my lip. Daniel took it as a yes and clicked on the movie, “Get your little diapered butt over here and comfy.” Daniel said, opening his arms with a smile. I was taken aback by his sudden affection and warmness. He seemed a bit disconnected, quiet, yet, here he was, wanting to cuddle and watch a movie. Although we were in this game of house, I felt there was a bit more to it than that. 

I slowly crawled, resting my head on his chest as I felt tense, awkwardly laying on him. He tucked the blanket around us, shifting until I was comfier. His arm laid on my hip, that was diapered, as he lay, slightly chuckling from the movie every now and then. I tried paying attention to the screen but I couldn’t help but feel like we were a couple watching this movie. The way his arm wrapped around me and his hand touched my back kept me feeling loved, cuddled. It felt like we were on a date, almost. My mind imagined an alternate universe in which I actually went to college, got my degrees I set out for, and may have met this man along my journey, yet, I felt myself tugged out of that false reality. For a moment, I convinced myself this handsome doctor behind me actually was interested. Actually was attracted to me. 

As my memory recalled him saying… This is something platonic to me. I was almost disgusted with myself, to even give myself a fleeting sense of pride for who I’ve become. I wasn’t attractive, not in the slightest. My back became rigid as I knew I was the equivalent to nothing. Not a god damn thing. 

I watched the screen in my depressed state, knowing I was nothing more to him than a person who needed help. A person who was an experiment. I bit my lip until it bled, watching the screen, yet brain not capturing what was happening. 

Halfway through the movie, I relaxed enough until I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later to a diaper change, coming in and out of sleep as I felt the cold wipe on my bottom. Next waking moment I felt a new diaper being taped around me and being carried up to my room. I was tucked in in my half-awake state. 

A few hours later, I awoke at 2 AM. I tried falling back asleep, but racing thoughts cycled my brain. I grumbled as I tossed and turned, staying awake and looking at my ceiling until 6 AM hit, Daniel coming into my room. I acted like I was asleep as he came in, gently nudging me as I turned. 

I stretched, as if I hadn’t been up all night. 

“Good morning Blake, how about you take a shower and we’ll get breakfast?” 

I nodded, squinting at the hallway light as I slowly got up. 

We sat in Starbucks as I drank my tall iced latte, the biggest size Daniel would allow me to have. I sipped it like a shot before we pulled up to the outpatient center’s entrance.

He said, “Have a good day, Blake, oh and don’t forget your backpack.” Daniel pulled it from the backseat. Handing it to me as I squinted at it in confusion.

“There’s an extra training pant in there, wipes and powder. Also, your book.” 

I blushed, stepping out of the car, “Thanks.” I said, shaking my head and walking in. 

I sat down in the waiting area with annoyance. I opened the backpack, wondering if it was true, eyes widening as I quickly closed it, sitting back. I almost wanted to roll my eyes. How bad could this get? Ugh!

A familiar strawberry blonde plopped down next to me with a sigh, almost as annoyed as me. She looked around the empty waiting area then to me, shuffling through her large purse. 

“Want one? I can’t do these sessions without it.” Bianca opened her Altoids and a pill was in the container. It was Valium, one of my favorites besides Xanax. My finger tapped on my jeans as I looked at the pill. The Daniel on my shoulder was saying no, but my insides wanted to take it. 

“No, thank you, though.” 

Bianca scoffed, “Gosh, everyone is so boring here.” She rolled her eyes. 

I bit my lip, as her container was still extended. I grabbed the pill, popping it into my mouth and swallowing. 

She smiled, almost mischievously, “I had a feeling you were real somewhere in there.” Bianca gave me a wink. 

I looked down at my palms, feeling sweaty. I did have coffee and, to be quite honest, ever since my blackout I had an accelerated amount of anxiety. Maybe a bit of Valium was what I needed. 

It was weird though, I knew I’d feel calm soon, yet a panic attack began to hit me. It was as if the act of taking a pill gave me anxiety that Daniel would find out, yet I knew he wouldn’t since he wasn’t there. My heart fluttered as I felt a wave of dizziness hit me. 

“You okay?” Bianca asked, looking over to me with big brown eyes.

I took slow, deep breaths, “Yep, just peachy.” I said, shaking out of it as I looked at my hands. Maybe it was the coffee or maybe it was the fact that I took a pill but I was a bit nervous.

Twenty minutes later, group therapy had began and the pill was beginning to work. I felt relaxed, at ease with the world once more. Life seemed happier, more simple, less complicated. The coffee I had kept me awake instead of sleepy as I sat, listening to the group.

I spoke freely for once in the group, talking about my family. 

“So, have you tried reaching out to your family?” Billy, from the group, asked.

I smiled and laughed to myself in my Valium induced state, “I wish things were that simple.” I said, sad eyes cast to the ground as the room went silent. I tried to not say anymore, scared that maybe Dr. Hayward may catch onto my great mood.

Dr. Hayward could sense the awkward tension relating to my family as he moved to the next person, “Dalia, you’re up next.” 

 

The day was an incredible one for the books. Of course the Valium wore off after lunchtime but, for the first time, the nagging feeling of anxiety finally was at bay and I was peaceful. There were no lingering thoughts of depression and I felt happy about my situation. 

Reality hit me like a brick as the high wore off. I began feeling pain again, depression and, my good old friend, anxiety. I sat at my individual therapy session with Dr. Hayward in quiet. 

“Did something happen between lunchtime? You seem like a different person from the morning.” Dr. Hayward said, looking up from his laptop, “I was hoping to hear that we were making progress.” 

I gulped with a shrug, “Just am tired now.” I said, being partially the truth. 

Dr. Hayward nodded, setting aside the laptop to the desk and crossing his legs, “What’s going on Blake? I try not to prod but you’re up and down moods are a bit concerning to me and Dr. Calvin.” 

I shook my head with a frown, “I’m just tired.” 

Dr. Hayward blinked, eyes not believing me. 

 

To be quite honest, I wasn’t tired. My drug-induced depression and anxiety had gotten the best of me and, although I had a small support system, I didn’t know how far it’d go.

 

[Lionsheart]

Chapter 8

 

“You’re sure you don’t want me to take you? I know it’s going to be a rough day.” Daniel said, eyeing me with his laptop satchel over his shoulder. He stood at the door for a moment, contemplating quietly as his brown eyes studied me. 

“Positive. Really, I’ll be fine.” I gave him a weak, plastic smile with my teeth. Little did Daniel know, I wasn't going to work today. 

He blinked, shaking his head, “Okay, but if you need anyone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me, got it?”

I nodded, “Loud and clear, thanks.” I said, nodding as I ate my eggs and toast he had cooked for me before leaving. 

Daniel nodded, seeing I was eating voluntarily for once, “Have a good day at work, Blake.”

As the door closed and I heard his truck pull away, I tossed my breakfast in the trash. 

There were a three things I had come to the realization of in a few days and over the course of my sleepless night before:

1.     Daniel was a good person, one of the best people I’ve ever met.

2.     I am an awful human being that does not deserve him.

3.     I need to remove myself from him and distance myself to save his life, the same way he saved mine. 

I ran upstairs, grabbing my backpack and satchel, throwing in all my necessities. I went under my bed and grabbed my pills, god knows I needed it. 

Before I left, I grabbed a piece of paper and notebook, writing a note to Daniel. I felt like a child writing a runaway note, but I guess it was the equivalence. 

 

Daniel,

I’m sorry but you deserve better. A life without me in it. 

Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. 

 

My eyes were watery as I wrote, shaking my head at how horrible of a person I was. I dropped the pen on the counter, wiping my eyes as I slung my backpack over my shoulder and took Daniel’s key off of my keyring, placing it on the note. 

I left the house, getting in my piece-of-crap car and pulling out of the beautiful home. I drove out of the gaited neighborhood, wishing it a final good-bye. 

I wiped a tear away, driving and looking to my backpack, “Fuck it.” I said, digging my hand into the pill bag and picking unidentifiable pills up, placing three in my mouth and swallowing them back with water. 

“I’m disgusting.” I said, looking in the rearview mirror to myself staring back.

I wiped a tear away, shaking my head at what I just did. I began merging onto the expressway, wondering where I was going, what was I even doing? Did I want to die? Was I trying to kill myself? I might as well for how low I’ve gone to go back to pill popping, but there was something inside me that made it feel wrong. I felt guilty about it, about who I would hurt in the process. What about Daniel? I didnn’t know him extensively, but I knew he would be affected if I died. Not like my family would give a flying fuck… but Daniel. It’d hurt him.

“Fuck, what am I doing?” I said, deciding to pull to the side as I switched lanes to the left, hearing a squealing noise to my tire. 

“What in the fuck-“ I heard a ‘pop’ my foot abruptly hitting the break to slow down whatever was happening. 

Everything slowed, and, no, it was not the pills I took as much as I wish it had been in that moment.

My car took a 90 degree spin as a truck veered out of my way, but the SUV behind it did not in time, sidelining my Honda Civic in the driver’s seat. The air bags inflated as I closed my eyes, fear and adrenaline shooting through my body as glass ricocheted through my skin, through the air bags. 

As it all hit, hard, something had switched inside me: I did not want to die. I did not want to leave life behind like this. I had so much in life I wanted. So many things I hadn’t done. I wanted to fix my broken relationships with my family, find love in myself, find love in someone else and, most importantly, fix hurting Daniel. 

I simply couldn’t do that dead. I couldn’t.

I heard loud screeching, felt sharp pains in my left arm and side. Then, nothing. I blacked out, floating in the abyss between life and death. 

[Emily Ruby Rose]

hoping you get to posting more of this ❤️