diaper dimension Done Adulting, Volume 1 (Now available on Amazon with a preview of Volume 2)

[Alex Bridges]

Yesterday was a better day. I really appreciate the comments and compliments. They help make everything else a little better.☺️

 

 No doubt I'll regret staying up so late writing. I told myself I wasn't going to do that.

I finished this last night but couldn't get it to post, breaking my daily streak. So you might also get a second post this evening.

 

 

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Chapter 9, Part 1

 

The day ended with a tour of the house and back yard. Jamie feigned enthusiasm at the swing set that they got just for him in the backyard, or at least he thought it was feigned. He was more interested in the sandbox, which had been Amanda’s and was large enough by Jamie’s standard to nearly qualify as an artificial beach.

 

That night, Jamie woke up in his crib once more in pain. He had resisted wetting his diaper all day, and he never had a chance to take to it off to pee in it. He once again had no idea what time it was, not that it mattered anyway. Whether someone was coming for him soon or not, they weren’t going to let him out of his diaper. He had the same choices as the morning before: pee in the diaper, or pee on the diaper.

 

“I can’t hold it every single day until I’m in bed,” Jamie said to himself. Aside from being uncomfortable for much of the day, he knew it would lead to an infection or worse. The more he mulled it over, the angrier he became. At whom he wasn’t sure. He was on the list; after all, he’d gotten himself into this position. Becky was on the list; this was entirely her decision. Rubbing his temples, he made up his mind, but only after arguing with the darkness. “Ya know what? Fine! Whatever. Just …. Fucking fine.”

 

He tried to let go, and as badly as he needed to, nothing flowed. He bore down, which made the need more urgent but did not open his sphincter. Getting more irate, he decided to try the opposite, and completely relaxed his abdomen and urinary muscles. At first he felt just a drop, and his body seized up, knowing or at least thinking it was supposed to. Jamie was feeling impatient but tried to relax again. He was rewarded with first a trickle, then a slow stream, and then the feeling of a comfortable bladder.

 

Staying very still, he paid attention to what he was feeling. The warmth and tickling feeling weren’t bad. Once again, it wasn’t the sensation he hated than what caused the sensation. He reached down and through his sleeper felt his diapered crotch. It was warm on his hand, but he realized he didn’t feel wet in his pants, even a little. He had assumed that wet diapers felt wet. That was just logical. But he didn’t. 

 

After a few more minutes, Jamie went back to sleep.

 

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As he was being dried off after another bath the next morning, Jamie wasn’t paying much attention. He was thinking more about what would happen next. He didn’t feel a need to have any other big conversations today, and in fact he was well fed up with them. So what now, he wondered?

 

Jamie was like any other adult. He knew how to work, and he knew how to relax. And that’s the way it worked: you go to work, and then you go home and relax, and on the weekends you run errands and try to relax more. Except, Jamie wasn’t working, and he was already, physically anyway, relaxed. He’d done little more than sleep and hang out for two days, plus the 40 days of unconsciousness before that. He had a lot on his mind, but nothing he wanted to deal with that day.

 

Jamie also knew how to recreate. That’s what adults did, after all. When they weren’t working or relaxing or running errands, they recreated. They went to the gym, biked, hiked, climbs, sailed, played pick-up games, had a hobby. Those were fun, but they were also work. They required time and money and effort and planning. They were often organized in some way and they were rarely spontaneous and they almost always involved going somewhere.

 

Jamie wasn’t working, he was relaxed, he didn’t run errands anymore, and he couldn’t go somewhere to recreate. What Jamie didn’t know how to do, what he had forgotten how to do and needed to learn again, was how to play. Except Jamie wasn’t aware of it, not yet. He just thought he needed something to do.

 

“So today I thought we’d go out and get those things for your room,” Becky as she got him dressed.

 

Jamie heard nothing after “go out.”

 

“Um, what if you went to go do that, and I stayed here with Amanda?”

 

“Don’t you want to pick out your own things?”

 

“Uh … no, I’m sure I’ll like whatever you decide.”

 

“You’ve been cooped up a while, now. I think you need some fresh air. We could go to the park after?”

 

That was worse. He said nothing, hoping she’d drop it.

 

“Well, I think you need to get out, so we’re gonna go together.” She ended the sentence with a period, and Jamie didn’t expect that to change. 

 

He’d just gotten here. He was hardly used to Becky and now to have to meet other people? And what if he ran into other Littles? It was one thing being dressed and care for like behind closed doors, but in front of human adults? What if they made fun of him? What if the Bigs made fun of him? What if … He didn’t want to be on display.

 

“Amanda is going to come with us, too. Does that make you feel better?”

 

“Yeah. A little.”

 

She looked at him and didn’t like what she saw. “Amanda,” she shouted, “Could you come meet us in the family room?”

 

The family room was turning more into a conference room at this point. Becky carried Jamie in, and he was surprised when she didn’t put him in the chair but instead sat down on the sofa with him in her lap.

 

“What’s up, Mom,” Amanda asked when she came in.

 

“I just wanted the three of us to have a little talk.” Amanda set down.

 

“Jamie is feeling a little nervous. Do you want to talk about it Jamie, or should I?” So not talking about is not an option, he concluded. He just shook his head.

 

“Jamie seems a little afraid to leave the house, which is very understandable since it’s his first time. So, what we’re going to do is all three of us will go, and, Jamie, we’ll be with you the entire time. If you get scared, I want you to say ‘pause,’ and we’ll find somewhere quiet to calm our nerves. So do you want to go now, or in the afternoon?”

 

He looked at Rebecca and knew it was the best deal he was gonna get. And it wasn’t a bad one. He used to coach parents on this; ‘authoritative parenting,’ they’d called it. Rather than dictating or giving the child any choice he wanted to make, the choices were narrowed down: pick A or B, but you gotta pick one.

Chapter 9, Part 2

 

“Now, I guess.”

 

“Okay, I think we’re ready to go then,” Becky announced.

 

“Wait,” Jamie said, “I need shoes.”

 

“Oh, you’ll be fine like that.” Jamie didn’t see how that would work. Who left the house without shoes? Was this some kind of weird planet where there was nothing to step on that might hurt? But then why were the two of them wearing shoes?

 

“Oh! I almost forgot we need a diaper bag,” Becky said. “Here, take him while I go make sure we have everything we need.”

 

Amanda happily took Jamie on to her lap. She noticed, that he didn’t seem happy. In fact, it wasn’t just the look on his face. It was his body. He felt … softer, more flaccid. She gave him a gentle shake. “Hey, you know we won’t let anything happen to you, right?”

 

“I know,” he said. He kinda sorta meant it, but he knew there’s a limit to what a person can protect another person from.

 

“Oh, c’mon. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

 

Jamie looked at her. He did have one thought, but it made him blush. “Well … can I take my bear with me?”

 

“I think we can manage that just fine.”

 

Ten minutes later, Jamie was being buckled into a car seat. He looked around, amazed even though he knew he ought to be used it. The car was huge. Even if he was an independent Little, there was no way he’d be able to safely ride without a car seat. It otherwise looked like a car at home, albeit an expensive one. He didn’t expect flying cars, but if they could do all the things they had done to him at the hospital, not to mention master interdimensional travel, he’d just figure the cars do something different.

 

“I’ll ride in back, mom.” 

 

“Thanks, baby. That’s nice of you.”

 

Jamie was secured and Amanda was buckling in next to him. His feet dangled, and his car seat had 5-point restraints. He tried to casually see if he could open the restraints himself, and found even with both hands, his thumbs were not strong enough to depress the springs in the buckle.

 

“Not quite strong enough for that, huh,” Amanda grinned. Caught! “That’s the idea. Besides, do you really want to go without?”

 

“No, I was just curious.”

 

“How’s your bear doing?”

 

He chuckled. He didn’t entirely get Amanda yet. Sometimes she talked to him like an adult, and other times like a toddler, and other times like an adult being treated like a toddler, like she was in on joke. Becky pretty much always talked to him like a toddler. The way Amanda asked about the bear, he wasn’t sure what she thinking.

 

“He never says a word of complaint.”

 

“Ha! Does he have a name yet?”

 

“No.” Sometimes over the past couple days, Jamie had caught himself not being quite sure what he was: an adult living a strange lifestyle, an adult pretending to be a toddler, or an adult becoming a toddler. He knew why he liked the bear so much: Cheryl gave it to him, and it had her voice in it. But why did he want to bring it with him? He knew it wouldn’t protect him. He wanted to bring it anyway.

 

“Are you going to give him one?”

 

“Maybe. Maybe he already has one and I just don’t know it yet.” Are we both playing the same game he wondered, or only one of us, or neither of us, he wondered.

 

“You two look like you belong together,” Amanda said, smiling at him. The notion made Jamie feel good, but also not. If the bear were a symbol of Cheryl, what did it mean if he and the bear looked good together?

 

As he was wondering that, he once more felt the need to empty his bladder. Trying the same technique, he relaxed and tried to let it out. It took a couple tries to get past his body’s reflex to shut it down; he had to concentrate. He noted again how it felt warm and tickled a little bit as it flowed down him before being absorbed, but then he felt completely dry. He had no intention of saying anything. The last thing he wanted was a public diaper change.

 

Amanda snapped him out of it. She had watched him, and she leaned over and pushed her hand just a little ways between the car seat and Jamie. She startled him. He looked at her ready to say, hands off the goods, but he before he could, her hands shot down to his feet, and she was tickling him ferociously trough his socks.

 

Jamie couldn’t help his reaction. He squealed, squirmed, kicked and thrashed, but he was pinned to his seat and couldn’t get away. Amanda was merciful, though, and stopped well before it went from fun to teasing.

 

“Hey,” Jamie said trying to catch his breath, “Whadya do that for?”

 

“What’s going on back there,” Becky asked while trying to see them in the mirror. She didn’t sound cross, happy actually to hear Jamie laugh.

 

“I don’t know, mom. He just started tickling himself. I think we got a weird one or something.”

 

“Liar!” She stuck her tongue out in response. Jamie had too much self-respect to just take that kind of insult and so responded in kind, adding moose ears to be sure he’d win the round.

 

“Almost there,” Becky announced from the front seat.

 

That brought Jamie back to the moment. He’d need to step out of their space and into the world in mere minutes. He’d miss most of the scenery, but now that he paid attention, he saw they were on a commercial road like any other at home, lined with shopping centers. At last they pulled into one of them and parked. Jamie shrunk a little.

Chapter 9, Part 3

 

Amanda got out on her side of the car, and Becky opened Jamie’s. When her hands came toward him, to his surprise they didn’t go to the harness but to some mechanism behind the seat. He heard a click and then felt the seat shift.

 

“You’re gonna carry me?” He didn’t want to be seen that way. It was downright infantile.

 

“I think you’re a little too heavy even for me, honey. We’ll put you in the stroller.”

 

“Oh…”

 

She paused before saying, “Do you want to walk?”

 

He didn’t want to be seen in a stroller, but then he didn’t want to be seen in overalls, especially ones with a snap crotch and elastic waistband. He wanted to be seen like a grown man, just a short one. Looking past Rebecca, though, to the giant cars surrounding them and to the giant people that passed his field of vision, he realized the stroller would be better. Not just safer, but he could hide in there, maybe go unnoticed.

 

“Maybe later.” She nodded and lifted the seat by its handle. Amanda had already gotten the strolled out of the trunk, and the seat easily snapped in. Becky adjusted it so he was sitting mostly upright and pulled back the canopy on the seat. On the undercarriage, Amanda place what Jamie figured was his diaper bag. He inwardly groaned: my diaper bag. It reminded him his diaper was wet, Amanda knew it, and though he was comfortable was comfortable, the decision wouldn’t be his. He kept his bear in his arms as he was pushed toward the door, mostly to give him something to rest his chin against.

 

“What kind of store is this?”

 

“It’s called ‘A Little This, A Little That.’ It’s got stuff for Littles, obviously. Are you comfortable?”

 

“Does this thing go up straighter?”

 

“Sure.” Becky paused and Amanda adjusted the seat. “Better?”

 

“Much. Thank you.” Now he was leaning back so far; it was more comfortable and he could see.

 

The doors parted for them, and just like at home they were hit with too much air conditioning. Jamie was glad he had overalls on. Amanda took out the list they had made.

 

“Let’s go find a chair for your room.”

 

The store was huge, even for a store staffed by giants, and the human-sized everything in the store made it, and them, seem even larger. Jamie expected a few chairs to pick from, but it was practically a furniture store inside the Littles store.

 

“Do you want to get out and try some?”

 

“Yeah!” Jamie had never gotten to pick out furniture that was new or didn’t come from a store with the word “Bargainz” in its name. He wasn’t sure what to expect. All the chairs were in childish colors or patterns or had cartoons on them, but otherwise they looked like actual, adult chairs.

 

He walked down the first row with Becky and Amanda following behind. He turned into the next row. When he saw something he might like, he first looked at the price tag, and then he realized he had no idea about the currency.

 

“Is this expensive?”

 

Amanda bent down. “No; Little stuff usually isn’t very expensive.” Jamie figured that must mean it wasn’t made very well, either, but he sat down and was surprised it was as comfortable as the chairs he couldn’t afford at home.

 

He stood up and moved down the aisle. They followed him patiently. When he reached the recliners, he tried one and knew it was what he wanted. Now just to pick the right one. He tried some modern looking ones, but they were too hard. He tried the overstuffed ones, which might have worked if he were taller, but he sunk so low into them he had to propel himself out. He finally found one that was just right it nearly laid flat. He picked one in a pale pastel green; it was the least babyish color he liked. Amanda took the tag and the fabric swatch.

 

“Where to next,” Becky asked.

 

“I think he needs a table he can color at.”

 

So they went to that section and found an activity table. It was low to the ground so he could sit on the floor to use it.

 

“May I have a step stool?” Jamie surprised himself with the ‘may I.’ He’d learned to use that phrase with a foster parent who ‘helped’ him understand not to use ‘can I,’ and for all these years he’d subconsciously refused to say it.

 

“What for,” Becky asked.

 

“Um, so I can reach the top shelfs and stuff.”

 

“I don’t think I want you climbing on a step stool yet.” Jamie wasn’t exactly surprised. No problem, he thought, I’ll just climb the furniture.

 

“How about we go look at some toys?”

 

They headed to the other end of the store. It wasn’t very busy inside, but there were a few other customers. Jamie was curious. He firstly noticed that no one paid him much mind. Then he noticed there were very few Littles walking on their own. When he could peer inside strollers or carriers, he saw much more babyish clothes than his own, and many much smaller Littles who had been clearly regressed.

 

“Ya getting tired,” Amanda asked. He realized he had fallen a bit behind. And actually he was tired, having to walk faster to keep up with their long strides. And his hip hurt. But he blushed anyway, and nodded just enough to say yet. Amanda lifted him back into the stroller, buckled him in, and hand him his bear.

 

They had every kind of toy except video games. Toys he’d seen babies back home play with, rattles, stacking rings, near-weightless foam balls. At the other end were toys that looked hard even for an unregressed mind. Amanda got a cart and walked into from of Becky and Jamie. 

 

Jamie didn’t know what to make of it all. Becky picked out a couple things she thought were cute, and Amanda picked out a couple. Becky’s were definitely on the simpler side; Amanda’s were more challenging. 

 

“Don’t you want to pick something,” Becky asked. She knelt down next to the stroller. “How about any of these?” They were in front of a display shelf of blocks. What am I going to do with blocks, he thought. Most of them had letters and numbers on them. 

 

“What’s that,” he said, pointing to a large plastic tub half the size of a footlocker. 

 

“I don’t know; let’s see.” Becky pulled one from the shelf. To him it looked heavy, but she set it down lightly with no trouble. She popped the hinges on either side. Shrink wrapped inside were blocks, larger ones, in different shapes, so basic and some intricate.

 

“I like those.”

 

“You do?” They don’t even has letters or numbers on them, she thought. “Okay then, let’s get ‘em.”

 

She loaded them under the cart. They had the big box of blocks, some puzzles Amanda picked out, including what looked like a giant Rubik’s Cube, a set of cars Becky picked out, and some doodad with a lot of lights and noises.

 

“Where do they keep the art stuff,” Amanda asked. Once there, Amanda selected a few items on her own: real drawing paper, real drawing pencils, and coloring books. She opened one up to show him. Jamie knew adult coloring books were popular at home, but they were nothing as elaborate as these. Jamie was a bit of an art history fan, and it excited him to see art nothing at all like he’d seen before.

 

They headed toward the book section, and on the way, Jamie saw his first Little tantrum. Exactly like a kids, but with the lungs and power of an adult. A supremely pissed off adult. He was uncomfortable, embarrassed for him, her and all Littles. All the Big seemed not to notice. He knew what a tantrum was, not the fit of anger adults thought kids pitched to get what they wanted, but the expression of a mind overwhelmed with emotions it couldn’t control or understand. Geez, he though, what if I end up that way? 

 

Jamie got out of the stroller to look at some books. The most mature of them were at best young adult fiction, but that struck him as a good diversion. He didn’t need to read adult drama just then.

 

“Hey, Jamie, do you play an instrument?” He turned to see Amanda holding a music book and recorder. He shook his head, and she put it in the cart. 

 

He got back into the stroller, and the two of them found Becky looking at parenting books, or whatever you call books about raising Littles. Some looked very earnest, and others looked more lighthearted.

 

Caring For Your Little

Growing Up Or Growing Down

Help Your Child Adjust To A Little

Helping Your Little Be A Little

When Your Little Is Pissed Off

Discipline And Your Little: The New Way

When Your Littles Don’t Get Along

When Your Little Is Really, Really Pissed Off

What To Do If You Catch Your Little Urinating In Your Houseplants And Other Potty Troubles

Littles And The Extended Family

Introducing Your Little To The World And The World To Your Little

 

“I already raised a child,” Becky said, “I think I know how to care for a Little.” Amanda gave her mom the side eye and plucked Caring for Your Little and Helping Your Little Be A Little from the shelf.

 

“I think we just need some supplies and that’s it.” Becky drove the stroller and they headed to the middle of the store, which appeared to be where the basics were. Wipes, powder, disposal sacks. Jamie opted not to pay attention.

 

As he was day dreaming, out of nowhere there was some strange Big directly in front his face, making idiotic noises.

 

“Oh my god, he is so darling,” this strange woman said in what was definitely an outside voice.

 

“Thank you! He just arrived a few days ago,” he heard Becky reply with pride.

 

“Oh my goodness! Then you’re just brand new, aren’t you?” She kept babbling, and Jamie didn’t know how to respond. She was in his face, leave alone how irritating she was being. He was about to just ask her to step back when she reached out and squeezed his cheek.

 

“Hey! What the do you think you’re doing,” he shouted. He’d not raised his voice over two of the most frustrating and overwhelming days of his life.

 

“Aww, I’m just see how soft your sweet little cheeks are.” And then she did it again.

 

“What the hell! You could at least ask for fucking permission before you touch someone!”

 

The woman gasped but quickly smiled and chuckled. Becky turned three shades of red. Standing up, the woman reassured Becky, “It’s okay. We’ve all been there. I bet he’s just shy.”

 

“Shy and cranky. He needs his nap,” Becky replied.

 

The conversation was taking place above Jamie, literally, and it wasn’t addressed to him at all. “What I need is an apology!”

 

“Bye bye, little guy. Hope you feel better after your nap.” The woman sauntered off, leaving Jamie feeling angry and ineffectual. He couldn’t even hurt her feelings, let alone get her to take him seriously.

 

“And I hope you dry up and shrivel!” I don’t even know what that means, Jamie mused.

 

“James!” Then Becky was in front of him. “Today is a warning, but I don’t want to hear any more potty talk. We don’t talk to anyone that way, especially Bigs, understand?”

 

Jamie stared back at her, mouth open a little. He wanted to stick up for himself. He could win this argument on straight logic easily, beginning with the “especially Bigs” part. But Becky had displayed a certain imperviousness to logic.

 

She must’ve thought he was upset by her rebuke, because she suddenly leaned in and kissed him. “It’s okay. I’m not mad at you.”

 

What about my feelings? I AM mad! Can we talk about that? The sun doesn’t rise and set with your opinion of me! Jamie wanted to answer back.

 

Instead, all he said was, “Where’d Amanda go?”

 

“I’m right here,” she answered as she sauntered with a couple more things for the cart. “What’s up?”

 

“No big deal. Someone just had a little tantrum is all.”

 

Someone is getting tired of being referred to in the third person when someone is standing right there.

 

“Oh. Well, what else?” 

 

Becky reached to the shelf and tossed a package of pacifiers into the cart, which may have set Jamie off again except he wasn’t paying any attention to her. “Well, I don’t know if he deserves them after that little misbehavior, but I did promise.” She sounded so excited.

 

They were rolling again, and when they stopped, it was at the end of an aisle of diapers that ran almost the length of the store. There must have been hundreds.

 

“Okay, you get to pick any ones you want,” Becky said as she lifted him from the stroller and set him on his feet. She said it with the same tone of eager largesse the mother of the bride has when telling her daughter she can have any dress she wants, and diamond tiara to boot.

 

Jamie stood there. Not only did he not care what diapers he wore, he didn’t want to pick them out. Picking them out would imply some kind of consent, and if she picked them out, he at least had the satisfaction of knowing that, from being in diapers at all down to the individual diaper he was wearing, it was all her decision.

 

“Um, we already have so much. I don’t want to you to spend more than you can on me.” There, an out that made him seem gracious.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Teachers here are very highly paid.”

 

“Really?” That to him was a much more interesting topic to discuss, but he didn’t get to.

 

Turning him around to face the aisle, she gave him a gentle swat on the butt, and said, “Scoot.”

 

He turned red at the swat and how loud it was. They walked down the aisle slowly.

 

Alright, Jamie said to himself, if you have to make this decision, you might was well own it; not like you’re getting to make many.

 

She wasn’t kidding. They had every color, or at least every color fit for someone in diapers. They had patterns; they even had one that looked like Y-front underwear, but that made it seem even more demeaning. They had cartoon characters he didn’t recognize and sports motifs and car motifs and flower motifs. Despite himself, he wondered, what’s my motif? What motif fit his personality and interests? He wasn’t sure he had one.

 

He walked back toward the end they started at. Maybe just a solid color? Or some simple pattern? Or maybe some motif after all?

 

He paced once more, and Becky didn’t get impatient. This was an almost solemn occasion to her.

 

Finally, he picked a white one, plain except for the blue strip that ran along the top of the waistband and around the leg gathers. If there’s such as a thing as a mature diaper, this was it.

 

“Are you sure,” Becky asked. He nodded, and she picked up the package like it was it was some wondrous thing.

 

As much as Jamie was irritated with Becky, he couldn’t stay angry very long. He saw she had her heart in the right place, and it was clear she was doing everything she was doing as an expression of love. He was ready to forgive, but not forget. He wanted to solve these issues, and as she put him back in the stroller with such a glowing look of contentment, he wanted to understand what made her tick.

 

“Alright, I think we’re ready to go home. You must be starving, and tired.”

 

And he was. On the ride home, he thought about the experience. He wasn’t the center of attention; he was just one more Little to the rest of the world. And though he wished that woman never found a pair of pants that fit every again, he also knew there were plenty of socially inept jerk faces back home who had no respect for a baby’s personal space. 

 

But he hadn’t gotten to talk to anyone, and he hadn’t gotten to interact with other Littles. He was intimidated by Bigs who might not be kind to him or might accidentally hurt him just because they were so big and he was so small. He was embarrassed by his outfit and didn’t want the condition of his diaper to be known. But he knew if it was, no Big would ridicule him for it. He was more worried about the judgment of his peers.

[Sarah Penguin]

 

[Pierry Louys]

Owwww what a shame I was thinking that Jamie would be ending in pampers so sad ? ! At least he’s gonna have a nice binkie and a comfortable bear to hold 

[YourFNF]

Yeah Becky was in the wrong on this one. You don't let some one put hands on your kid.

[dlgore]

I am just loving this story. Thanks for the quick updates.   Always excited to see the next chapter.    

[SGTbaby]

Great adventure and even got the full name treatment from Mom! Nice chapter. Love the long or short length to be honest. You just do you!

[Alex Bridges]

You get two updates in one day, courtesy of the server issue.

While I think my narrative is good across both the heavier and lighter parts of the story, I think my language is better in the heavier parts. What do you all think?

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Chapter 10

 

Jamie found himself back in his crib after lunch. The naps were necessary, just as Cheryl had said they’d be. Jamie couldn’t figure out how many hours were in the day, partly because he slept through so many of them. It was light out when he went to bed and light out when he woke up. It was starting to bother him. He knew the order in which the parts of his day happened, but he didn’t know when, and he couldn’t yet guess. It was one more thing that made him feel out of control.

 

He didn’t know how long he’d slept. He woke up with his bear under his arm. The bed felt good, like those great mornings when you wake up and all you want to do is sink deeper into the mattress, not because you’re not well rested but just because it feels better than anything else will that day. He pressed himself into his crib and let himself dose. It didn’t bother him that no one came to get him. He wanted to be alone; he wanted to not think. He certainly did not want to see Becky.

 

He dosed until his stomach woke him. Fortunately not in pain like yesterday, but he needed to go. Sighing, he questioned whether it was best to go now and get changed as soon as someone came to get him, or put it off. The first they’ll do is check my diaper, he concluded. He did his business and tried to ignore it. All diapers get changed eventually, he reassured himself.

 

Certainly this didn’t help his I-don’t-need-diapers argument. They’d never believe it was intentional, and he wasn’t sure it would change their minds if he did.

 

He didn’t have to wait long. Jamie was laying prone in the crib facing the door when it creaked open slowly, and Amanda furtively slipped in, glancing behind her. She closed the door very gently, easing it back into the frame. Why would she do that, he wondered. She saw he was watching her.

 

“Hey, kiddo,” she whispered. “Ready to get up?”

 

“Why are we whispering,” he whispered back.

 

“‘Cause I figured you didn’t want to deal with mom right now, and she heard she’d probably come right in.”

 

It felt good to know that someone was thinking about his feelings after all. He weakly smiled. “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” She lowered the crib rail, pulled back the blanket, and gave Jamie’s diaper a pat. “Let’s take care of that.” Jamie didn’t know which was worse, her checking him or him telling her.

 

She made quick work of the change, and Jamie relaxed from head to toe to have it off him.

“So,” she said in a hushed tone, but no longer a whisper, “how about we put your room together?” Everything they had bought was in bags near the door. They quietly put toys away and books on shelves, and Jamie avoided touching the things that went under changing table. He let her handle those, what little resistance he could offer. Moving the rocking chair toward a corner and the toy chest over, Amanda put the activity table flush to the wall. The tub of blocks went next to the shelf. Finally, she put the recliner in the corner between the crib and the wall. It was more than enough space considering his room was the size of a small studio apartment.

 

“Let’s take a look at that stuff.” Amanda indicated what was under the crib. “I’m surprised mom didn’t notice this.” She pulled the items out to the center of the room.

 

“So what do we have here?”

 

“Um, gifts from a friend.”

 

“That was very kind of her. What does each one do?” Jamie was a bit surprised at that. Surely they had the same things here.

 

“Um, that’s a pull up bar to exercise my back muscles, and those rubber bands can do lots of different things, and that board strengthens my hands.”

 

“Interesting gifts,” she mused. She looked at them and then the room and then Jamie. “Ah. Got it now. I’m not sure how mom will feel about these.” Jamie frowned. “So let’s not tell her, or let her find them.”

 

“We can keep the bar in the bottom of your toy chest,” she said as hid it. “And she will definitely have a fit if she finds these bands. She’ll be convinced you’ll choke yourself with them.” She didn’t think they’d stay well hidden in the chest. “Let’s try this and see if it works for a while.” She opened the foot rest of the recliner, put the bands under the chair, and closed it.

 

Finally, there was just the board. “This has to hang on a wall, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hmm.” She looked it over. It had grooves in different shapes and sized and irregular patterns, some color coded. “Let’s put it in the chest for now, and I’ll hang it for you later.”

 

“What about when Becky sees?”

 

“Tell her it’s a puzzle. Or art or something.”

 

“She’ll believe that?”

 

“Definitely. She’ll just be delighted to see you playing with a simple toy.” She handed to Jamie, and he put it in the chest. When he turned around she was seated on the floor cross-legged.

 

“Let’s play with something,” she said.

 

“Uh, like what?”

 

“Like … any of the toys in this room. Here …” she pulled the tub of blocks back from the wall, popped the buckles, and pulled the shrink wrap off.

 

“C’mon, it’s fun. You start.” She pulled a rectangular block about a foot long by four inches across and two inches high, and held it out to him. He took it.

 

“Uh, where does it go?”

 

“Wherever you want.”

 

He sat down on the floor next to her and put the block on the carpet with the long edge up.

 

“Here.” She handed him another. He put in across from the other one. She as soon as he placed it, she had another. And then another.

 

“Want to talk about what happened in the store?” He grimaced and kept placing his blocks.

 

“Some woman came out of nowhere and got in my face practically yelling and then pinched me.”

 

“You’re kidding?” She handed him a triangle.

 

“No! She just did it.” He used the triangle as a corner.

 

“I hope mom read her the riot act.”

 

“No. She said I just arrived and started making small talk.”

 

“What?” She handed him another triangle.

 

“Yeah. And then that woman pinched my cheek.” He made another corner.

 

“And mom didn’t say anything?” A cylinder.

 

“No, but I did. I said ‘what do you think you’re doing?’”

 

“And?” Another cylinder.

 

“She did it again!”

 

“And mom just stood there?” He started picking out his own blocks from the tub.

 

“Yeah, so I said, ‘you should fucking ask permission,’ and then the lady laughed and mom apologized and said I was cranky. Then when the woman walked away, Rebecca told me not use bad language or talk to Bigs that way.” He was working on the second story.

 

Amanda was surprised, to say the least. That didn’t seem like her mom, but then her mom had been acting differently since the adoption became official.

 

“You don’t care much for mom yet, huh?” Jamie didn’t look up from his building.

 

“It’s not … I … I don’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s just that … it’s like she sees through me. Or thinks I don’t have opinions.”

 

“Uh huh …” Amanda replied, coaxing him on.

 

“Like with that lady. Rebecca only said something about my behavior. Didn’t say anything about that stranger.” It was getting tall, and he was concentrating to keep the pieces aligned and stable.

 

“And how did that make you feel?”

 

“Like she ignored me when I told that lady not to touch me. Or she heard me and didn’t care, or didn’t think what I wanted mattered.”

 

“And that’s when I got back,” she recalled. ‘A little tantrum,’ her mom called it. More like defending himself.

 

“Is it okay with you if I talk to her about it?”

 

“I guess,” he sighed. Talking to her didn’t seem to make a lot of difference with Rebecca.

 

“So what did you make?”

 

“Uh, a structure, I think.” He looked at. “It doesn’t looked very good.”

 

“So? Did you like making it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then it doesn’t matter what it looks like.” This was another way Amanda was different from her mother. Her mother would have protested, insisted it looked marvelous, taken a picture, put on a big show. It didn’t look marvelous; it looked like a haphazard pile of blocks. And Amanda didn’t insist otherwise. It was okay that it didn’t look good; the point was he enjoyed himself, and that was the lesson Amanda wanted to teach.

 

“I almost forgot,” she lied. “We need to put your pictures in the frames we got.” It was only three pictures and three frames. “Do you want to do the honors?”

 

Without answering, Jamie walked under his crib and picked up the envelope he had put the pictures back into while Amanda unwrapped the frames. She took the back off the first one and handed it to him. Carefully so as not leave fingerprints on the photo, he dropped it onto the glass.

 

“Here,” Amanda said, handing him the next frame and closing the back on the first. They did it one more time.

 

“That’s your friend?”

 

Holding the last picture in its new frame, he nodded without looking up. It was a picture of her laughing. They’d gone for a walk one evening after work, in the weeks between leaving his job and leaving the dimension. He didn’t remember what she was laughing at. It wasn’t like him to take pictures of people. Why did he even have his phone out? But he had taken it and texted it to her, and she must have liked the way she looked in it, because she had it printed and put in the box with his bear, the bear she gave her voice to.

 

“Do you want to talk about her?”

 

He shook his head. “Not right now.”

 

“Okay.” It was obvious to her it wasn’t just missing a friend. Amanda was a young woman. She had had boyfriends. She knew, you don’t send a picture like that to just any friend.

 

“If you ever want to, just tell me.” He nodded, and looked up. “Here,” she said, holding out her hand. Jamie put the frame in her palm, and she stood up. “How about these two on your table … and this one on the top of your shelf. You’ll be able to see her from your crib.”

 

He nodded again vigorously. He wasn’t sure if it was his longing for Cheryl or the gentler heartache of knowing that Amanda cared for him and showed it. He hadn’t had much of that in his life, not ever enough. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Thank you.”

 

Amanda hurt a little too, for him. She wanted to pick him up and hug him, whisper it would be alright and kiss him on the cheek. Did he need that, she wondered. Did he want that? She knew he needed to feel loved and safe, but he also needed to feel some normalcy, to not have every day have some moment of drama, and she worried if she treated every hurt feeling like a catastrophe, he would as well, like a child that falls down and looks at her mom before deciding whether to cry.

 

She wasn’t sure she was making the right choice in the moment. It was only his third day. Maybe that was exactly what he needed now, to be smothered in affection and tenderness. But maybe not.

 

“I think it’s time to go see what mom is up to. I’m surprised she hasn’t come to see what we were up to. She’s gotta figure you’re awake by now. Do you want to come?”

 

“Actually,” Jamie said as he went back under his crib and got the stationary box, “I want to write a letter.”

 

“Okay. When you’re ready I’ll make sure it’s sent. Holler if you need anything, you thirsty?”

 

“Yes, actually.”

 

“I’ll bring you some water in a bit.”

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

“Mom,” Amanda said when she found her mom in the kitchen.

 

“Hi, sweetie. How’s Jamie doing?”

 

“Actually, he’s kind of upset.”

 

“Oh,” Becky said as she looked up from her task. Her forehead creased in concern. “What’s wrong?”

 

“He’s upset about this morning, that woman at the store.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t think he was so sensitive,” Becky smiled. Amanda felt relieve for a moment before her mom added, “He probably thinks I’m mad at him. I told him I wasn’t. I’ll go talk to him.” She started to get up and Amanda stepped forward.

 

“That’s not it.”

 

“Then what is i?”

 

Amanda rubbed her temple. How could she say this without hurting her mom or throwing Jamie under the bus or both? “Let’s sit.” Becky sat back down, and Amanda took the chair next to hers, leaning in.

 

“Have you noticed that … uh … that Jamie wants me a lot?”

 

“I have. I’m so glad you two are getting so close to each other so quickly.”

 

“I am, too. I really am. He’s such a sweet boy, and he needs a lot of love.” Becky nodded along, smiling proudly at her empathetic and caring daughter. “Do you think, maybe, he …” Amanda very nearly said ‘prefers’ next, but thought better of it.

 

Starting over, Amanda deliberately paced out her words. “I really want him to feel very close to both of us.” She let the statement hang there, to see if her mom would pick up on the subtext.

 

Keeping her smile but sounding defensive, Becky asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“I guess … I don’t think you’re acting like yourself.”

 

“Of course I am.”

 

“Mom,” Amanda said more plainly as she sat back, “would you have ever let a stranger touch me without permission?”

 

“Well …” She paused. “No.”

 

“So why did you let her?”

 

“I guess, I was proud someone thought he was so cute, and I didn’t think he’d mind.”

 

“Mom,” Amanda said, managing not to role her eyes but unable to keep the frustration for her voice. “He’s not a newborn or an infant. And he’s not regressed. And even if he were, it still wouldn’t be okay. He’s not something to show off. He is fully aware of everything that’s happening, and he’s terrified.”

 

“I know he’s scared…”

 

“It’s more than scared. And I know you know he’s at least scared because you said so before we left.” Becky looked uncomfortable.

 

Amanda waited a few beats until it was clear she wasn’t going to reply. “But then in the moment you didn’t do anything.” The more Amanda talked, the more indignant she felt, but she didn’t want to be angry. That wouldn’t help. She wanted to make this right, and also what she said she wanted: for him to feel close to both of them.

 

“You didn’t protect him or think about what he wanted or what he felt.”

 

Rebecca wasn’t accustomed to being rebuked by her daughter, or by anyone. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say.

 

“And when we were looking at the books, and you said you didn’t need it because you had already raised a child, remember? He’s not a child. He’s an unregressed Little. He can’t just turn into a happy Little just by us treating him like one. We have to help him do it.”

 

In almost any other country it would be culturally normal for a Big to not think of a Little as a person with their own mind and agency, and even among older people in Itali that attitude could still be found. Becky didn’t share that attitude. She was so wrapped up in the Little she envisioned having that she forgot he envisioned being his own kind of Little, If she could reconcile those visions and make him happy, she needed to do that; and if she couldn’t but could make him happy; she needed to do that; and regardless, she needed to recognize him for who he was and love him like a flower loves the sun, so that he could recognize himself for who he was: somewhat who deserved to be loved and was loved that much and more.

 

“I love you, mom, and he will too. That’s our job, to make him feel loved and happy. That’s why he left, because he couldn’t do it on his own. We’ll get him there; but we can’t force it. He had to help him along.

 

Amanda was repeating herself and so realized she was done now. She knew her mother. She knew this wasn’t intentional. Bigs got weird around Littles. Amanda wasn’t typical in not gushing over Littles. Maybe she had better perspective because of it. Or maybe she just liked Jamie for who he had been and who he was. She didn’t know everything about him, but she suspected there was more to his past than he had told them. When she had read his file that day at the agency, she hadn’t handed her mom the file because she suddenly changed her mind about having a Little. Now that Jamie was here, there was no part of taking care of him that didn’t make her love him even more. Life without him could never be whole, and she wouldn’t ever be the Amanda she was now were it not for the things he taught her about herself just by his presence. But she didn’t know any of that was going to happen that day in the agency. She just read the file and wanted to help this little boy.

 

Rebecca felt ashamed. She had not only disregarded his feelings, or even though to pay more than passing attention to them, she had failed to protect him. It didn’t matter that no lasting harm was done to Jamie. His feelings alone mattered enough. And lasting harm may well have been to the relationship between Jamie and Rebecca.

 

“Do I go apologize,” Rebecca finally said.

 

“I think he wants some alone time. He’s writing to his friend who sent him his bear.” She saw he mom looked more upset. “But later, spend a little time alone with him. I’ll stay in my room. And ask him about the party; he deserves a say.”

 

Amanda hugged her mom just as tightly as she hugged Jamie, and Becky hugged her back. “Thank you for telling me, baby. I know that took courage.”

 

“Anything for him.”

 

“That’s the thing I love about you most. Didn’t I tell you?”

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

My Forever Friend, Cheryl,

 

I’m Jamie now.

 

 

That page was on the table, and that was all that was on the page. Jamie sat in his new chair holding his bear, wondering what to say, and how to say it. It had never been hard to talk to Cheryl before.

[Alex Bridges]

27 minutes ago, SGTbaby said:

Great adventure and even got the full name treatment from Mom! Nice chapter. Love the long or short length to be honest. You just do you!

Ahem. It’s Rebecca, not mom.

[YourFNF]

Amanda is best big sister.....

Like seriously if only more Amazons were like her....

 

I'm kinda debating what age I would want to be set at.....

I definitely still think I'd want to be allowed to grow up....

Mental regression is still a hard nope.... TBH I feel like missing with memories and or personality is no different than killing the person if it's a complete wipe.

But honestly I'm actually kinda considering the physical regression.... If I could then grow up to normal amazon size....

It would almost be like getting reincarnated but you retain the memories of your most recent past life...

Would I do any better with a second chance, knowing what I know now?

?

@Author_Alex

[Sarah Penguin]

1 hour ago, YourFNF said:

Amanda is best big sister.....

Like seriously if only more Amazons were like her....

 

I'm kinda debating what age I would want to be set at.....

I definitely still think I'd want to be allowed to grow up....

Mental regression is still a hard nope.... TBH I feel like missing with memories and or personality is no different than killing the person if it's a complete wipe.

But honestly I'm actually kinda considering the physical regression.... If I could then grow up to normal amazon size....

It would almost be like getting reincarnated but you retain the memories of your most recent past life...

Would I do any better with a second chance, knowing what I know now?

?

@Author_Alex

Yeah I'm the same way about total mindwipes it's no different for death because the mind is important bit to me.  I'd want to newborn age and the barrage of newborn-size shrinking beams and no wipes though I'd sign up for the gender change and bitech fixes for my issues. NOt sure if I'd want to grow up much either.

 

Really good update Becky really was an ass to him  funny to see better parenting advice come from her daughter though

[LtlGary]

Amazing chapter. Can't wait for more!

[Alex Bridges]

Sorry - no update today. I’m trapped at a car dealer instead.

But it’s the weekend, and that means a lot more time for writing ?

[SGTbaby]

Great chapter and I like how one big is listening and the other is more typical. It shows a great contrast and dynamic. I look forward to the kinks getting worked out for all involved. Great job so far!

[the diaper mike]

Yeah we all get stuck at the car dealership every now and then great update I'm quite enjoying this story

[Alex Bridges]

I think you'll like this chapter a lot. It turned out a lot better than i thought it would.

 

Bonus points if you get the movie references. I'm not sure if the Bigs do or not, or just think it's funny.

____________________________________________

Chapter 11

 

 

“Hey, Cheryl? Wanna talk for a minute,” Ashley asked.

 

“Sure. What’s up,” Cheryl answered, sitting down in Ash’s office. Ash stood up from behind her desk and closed the door. Cheryl didn’t like that – what did Ashley have to say that had to be said behind a closed door?

 

“I just wanted to see how you’re doing, how you’re feeling,” Ash said as she sat down in the chair next to Cheryl’s, rather than back behind her desk.

 

“Uh, fine I guess.”

 

“Okay. I’m glad to hear that. I’ve just noticed you’ve seemed a bit detached lately.”

 

“Is there something wrong with my work?”

 

“No. Not at all. You just … maybe I’m overstepping. I want to be just a person right now, not your boss. Are you okay with that?” She continued after Cheryl nodded. “I haven’t seen you smile much lately. You’ve seemed quiet, the last few months.”

 

It felt good to know Ash cared about her. Whether as a person, friend, or employees, she cared enough to notice and say something. It’s always easier not to. People only do it when they care.

 

“I … thank you. I’m just … I guess I’ve been a little down.”

 

“Anything you want to talk about?”

 

Yes! She wanted to unburden herself. She got too close to a client and missed him terribly. She didn’t have any emotion left to be more than professionally caring toward her latest clients, and every insincere smile she forced just to be polite was one more stick in the eye. Cheryl didn’t want to be happy, she didn’t want to appear to be happy, and she didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s emotional needs. Not until her own were met.

 

“Thanks for asking, but I’ll be fine. Everything will sort itself out.”

 

“My door is always open, whether you need me to be a boss or a friend.”

 

“Thank you. It means a lot to me that you cared enough to ask.”

 

Cheryl left the office and pulled up her calendar. She couldn’t remember these days what was on her plate or when. She was finding out – or rather, recalling – that she had commitments just an hour, or sometimes even less, before they began.

 

Scrolling forward for no particular reason, she zoomed out from the day to the month, and as she had at least once a week, she then scrolled backwards. First a week, the first time. And now seven weeks. There on her calendar, blocking the whole day: “Eric’s Departure.” The healthy thing to do would have been to delete the entry, but she couldn’t and didn’t want to.

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

“Knock knock,” Becky called out lightly as she came into Jamie’s room. Jamie was at his activity table, still looking at a nearly blank piece of paper. Jamie turned and saw she was holding a bottle and cloth. “I thought you might be hungry.”

 

Jamie was hungry. He used to eat like a horse, and though he figured eventually age would catch up with him and he’d starting putting on serious weight, it hadn’t, at least yet. Today, though, hungry to the point of pain, Jamie didn’t care. Not that he was hungry and not that his belly was so empty it ached. He cared more about why he couldn’t figure out what to write in this letter, and guilty for it. He figured she was waiting to hear from him, and he felt guilty for it. He’d have been content to stare at the page until an idea came.

 

“I hope I’m not interrupting.”

 

“No, I’m not doing anything. And I am kinda hungry.” He got up from his table.

 

“Sorry dinner is kind of late tonight. Amanda told me you were writing a letter, and I thought you’d come find me when you were hungry.” Jamie nodded.

 

“Is it okay if I feed you?”

 

When have you not since I got here, he wanted to rhetorically ask. “That’s okay.”

 

“C’mere.” She sat down in the rocking chair and held out her arms. Jamie stood from the table and crossed the room with his shoulder down. That he showed his unhappiness physically was relatively new to Jamie. How he grew up, you didn’t show unhappiness, not if you didn’t want to be bullied. You couldn’t show happiness around the wrong people either. You could show indifference and anger, and you could show disdain, but unhappiness around all but the most trusted was an open invitation to whomever wished to be cruel. It was only after a year of being on his own that he felt able to show happiness, and never exuberant, around others.

 

Becky scooped him and gently laid him across her lap, resting him in her right arm. She tucked the cloth under his chin and smiled down at him, holding the nipple to his lips. He took it and closed his eyes while Becky gently rocked.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said. Jamie opened his eyes but didn’t stop drinking his dinner. “I should have stopped that woman from doing what she did. You defended yourself because I didn’t. Do you forgive me?”

 

Jamie was surprised. He doubted she came to this realization on her own, and knew this likely wouldn’t be happening without Amanda. Jamie was a forgiving person, a tolerant spirit as some say, and it was his nature to be generous, to assume good intentions. Becky didn’t strike him as unkind, the very opposite. And for these reasons, and because he needed to make this arrangement work, he nodded his head with the bottle still in his mouth.

 

“Thank you. I want to do better for you.” Her voice was soft like it had been his first day there, less excited. “I think I understand most of why you’re here. That was why I wanted you to be with us, because I know we can help you heal, and I want that for you more than anything.” The bottle was empty, and she took it from his lips and wiped his chin. Jamie just listened. The rocking motion and the hour were making him feel sleepy.

 

“I need your help, too, though. Will you help me?” Jamie nodded again. “What I need you to do is let me take care of you.” Jamie’s expression didn’t change, but something behind his eyes told her he was thinking, and she couldn’t figure out what. Was it dismissiveness, or was it opening up?

 

“Oh, honey, I know you’ve worked hard all your life to take care of yourself, and I’ll never understand how hard. And I know how hard it must be to let go and accept that we all need help to get through the world with as many of our better angels still with us. We’ll need to trust each other, and you only just met me. I went a little too fast, and you weren’t ready. But I will try again, and If you try and trust me, I’ll help you to give up those parts of you that hurt and find the sunshine I know is inside you. Let me show you my love for you, and I promise I will earn the trust you place in me.

 

And then when you are afraid, I will be brave for you. And when you’re sad, I’ll share your sadness. And we’ll love each other more because we faced the hard times together. And when you’re happy, you’ll make me so happy. And we’ll know we love each other in the easy times when love is easy, and in the hard times when love is hard.

 

Will you try to trust me, and let me try to earn it?”

 

Gone was the insipid smile that Becky had worn for three days. Jamie had never doubted her sincerity, only her judgment. Jamie had come here to escape there. But that alone wouldn’t help him to make a life worth living here. He knew that.

 

“I’ll try my best.” Becky patted his shoulder and smiled, not with condescension but compassion. Jamie saw the difference. He knew it would be hard. Trust wasn’t easily in him. It took extraordinary souls to bring it out in him, like Cheryl, and perhaps Amanda, too. Knowing this about himself, he added, “Will you help me to try when I forget?”

 

“Of course I will, sweetheart.” She lifted him to wrap both arms around him, and they shared their first genuine hug.

 

When they let one another go, she stood him on her lap. “I have an arrival party planned for you. It was going to be a surprise. That wasn’t right of me. Do you want a party?”

 

Jamie didn’t like being the center of attention. It was much easier and safer not to be. But what had he just promised? “How many people?”

 

“How about just a few very close people? Would that be okay?”

 

“Yes, I’ll try.”

 

“Okay. It’s almost your bedtime. I have something special for you.”

 

Carrying him to his crib, she sat him down on the edge. “Arms up.” She slid his shirt off and gently pushed him backward before pulling his pants off. It wasn’t easy for him to be like this in front of her. He no longer blushed, but he still didn’t want to look at her face while he was exposed. “Lay down on your tummy for me.” Her voice was just above a whisper.

 

Putting his clothes in the hamper, she went back to the door and turned off the lights, with only the sliver of evening light through his curtains illuminating the room. Once again, his mattress felt so good, and the warm formula in his belly, and the new hope that things might turn out alright after all. Becky walked back toward the changing table, and Jamie rested his head on his folded arms with his eyes closed. He felt suddenly something soft against his lips, and opening his eyes and turning his head down to see it, he saw it was a pacifier. This isn’t any different than she’s been treating me, he thought. She didn’t force it.

 

“Trust me,” she said. And Jamie kept his promise to try and let her place it in his mouth. “Just put your head back down.” He did, and Becky poured baby lotion into her hands and rubbed them together to warm them. Starting at his feet, she massaged the lotion into his already soft skin, kneading the muscles softly but firm enough to find and release the knots, working her way up his calves and thighs, digging into the big muscles so though it hurt, it was a good pain, and Jamie moaned low behind his pacifier, letting her large hands take away the tension.

 

She reached his diaper, gently unfastened the tabs, and pulled it back, exposing his bottom. Her hands dug into his upper thighs and across his rear, and it felt so good Jamie didn’t care he was nude or what he was wearing or that it was wet. She was gentle with his hips and hard on his lower back, running her hands up and down his spine and along either side, then from right to left and left to right all the way up to his shoulders, pulling the fibers loose, turning his skin warm, and eliciting an electric pleasure that ran the length of him. She turned her attention to his shoulders and neck, then his scalp, and Jamie stretched out his arms as if to say, these next, and her hands worked their way down until they reached his. She lifted first his left, and holding it in one hand, the thumb of her other massaged deep into his palms so that his fingers curled, and she gently worked her way down those next until his hand was limp, and repeated the pleasure with his right.

 

Jamie’s breathing slowed into a long rhythm. Sitting down on the edge of the crib, Becky ran her fingertips lightly across his back, occasionally letting her nails drag across his skin just so, and Jamie sighed once more, and Becky soothed him with her gentle fingers until he was deep asleep.

 

Turning him over gently, she replaced his diaper with a fresh one.  She raise the crib rail. She moved to the rocking chair and watched him sleep.

 

“How’d it go,” Amanda whispered as she tiptoed into the room.

 

Looking behind her, Becky reached out her hand for Amanda to take hers. “I think it went really well.”

 

“You got him to take a pacifier?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“He looks so peaceful.”

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

The next few days passed more or less like the last. He spent more time outside, and to his chagrin much of it was clad only in his diaper, but no one saw him through the fence. He took naps in the sun and began to acquire a bit of color, leaving tan lines around his diaper that Amanda found too cute. She took surreptitious pictures of him reclining in the sand box and walking across the grass, or tried to, and though Jamie didn’t like being recorded that way, it made him feel special that someone cared enough to want to capture these moments. That the someone was Amanda made him feel even more special, because she was.

 

The day of the party arrived, and for the first time Jamie found himself in the playpen while Becky and Amanda cleaned and got ready for guests. He didn’t especially like the confinement, but on the other hand, this was his space. The suspended surface was soft, he had his bear, and Amanda gave him a coloring book and pencils to keep him occupied. He hadn’t opened the coloring books since the store, here were images, surely simple by Big standards, unlike any style as home. They were too intricate and complex to have been made for Big children. They were too precise even for a crayon to stay within the lines, and Jamie had to concentrate to follow the edges even with the fine tipped pencils Amanda had picked out. After two hours, he was only half done with the first page. He was absorbed.

 

“Oh, they’re going to be here in an hour,” Becky fretted.

 

“It’ll be fine. It’s just family and close friends,” Amanda reassured her.

 

“You know how your grandmother can be.”

 

“Finish in here, and I’ll get Jamie ready.”

 

Amanda went into the living room and stood over the playpen. Jamie didn’t notice her. “Hey, buddy.”

 

Geez, seriously, how are they so quiet, he wonder when he looked up. “Let’s go get you ready for your guests.”

 

He looked at this page. “Five more minutes?”

 

“Sorry, but it will be waiting for you later.” He closed the book, and Amanda lifted him from the crib. Jamie was nervous. His first encounter with Bigs who weren’t Amanda and Becky hadn’t gone well. Now he was meeting several at once. She set him on his feet and he walked ahead of her to his room.

 

She went to his closet. “Okay, which do you want to wear?” She turned around holding up two hangers, one with overalls and one with a sleeper outfit. Becky wanted him in the overalls for company, but Amanda offered him the choice knowing it would make him feel better and that there was no way he’d choose the sleeper for strangers. A win-win.

 

“Those, I guess.”

 

She picked him up under his arms and hoisted him to the changing table. He knew the drill and lifted his arms. His shirt came off, he laid back, and his pants were pulled off.

 

“Here, sit up for a moment.” She held out her hands and helped him up, then moved him on her hip to the rocking chair. He wondered what was going on.

 

“So … how ya feeling today?” She leaned one elbow on the arm of the chair resting her head against her fist, and kept the other around Jamie’s waist.

 

“Nervous.”

 

“I’m sure you are. What can I do to make you feel better?”

 

Jamie had questions he’d held off on asking, afraid the answers would only make him more nervous as he waited.

 

“Who’s coming and what are they like?”

 

“You’ve been saving that, haven’t you? Uncle Daniel and Aunt Lauren. You’ll like them. Uncle Daniel is Mom’s brother and is a lot of fun; he’s younger by a few years. Aunt Lauren is nice; Mom always says she lucked out by getting a sister-in-law she actually likes.

Jane is Mom’s best friend. They’ve known each other since they were teenagers. If you get her alone she’ll tell you all the stories Mom doesn’t want us to know about her wilder days.

 

And Grandma is coming. She can be a bit …” Amanda’s eyes turned up as she looked for the right word. “Difficult. Just be yourself around her. Our neighbors were going to come, Andrea and Elizabeth and their daughter, Amy, but I think something came up. Does that help?”

 

He thought about it. It helped a little; it wasn’t a lot of information. “Some. Um, how do they feel about, uh, people like me?”

 

“Love ‘em. Seriously. Even Grandma, though she’s ... a little less up to speed. But then I guess that’s a generational thing.”

 

Jamie felt the need to pee and did; it was getting easier. Amanda felt it but didn’t say anything. Jamie had a serious look on his face.

 

“What if I don’t like them?”

 

“Then you come find me or Mom if we’re not right there, or ask for us.”

 

“And if you are there? Can we have a signal?”

 

“Sure, but I don’t think we’ll need one.”

 

“Because I’ll like them all?”

 

“That, and because I’ll just know. But how about you pull on your earlobe just to be safe.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Let’s practice it.” Amanda tugged on her ear. Jamie did the same.

 

“Good, but let’s try the other just to be extra safe.” They both pulled on their other ear.

 

“And let’s do both at the same time just to extra extra safe.” Jamie smiled and thought that was silly but did it anyway. When both his arms were up, Amanda went for his armpits, tickling him all the way down to his ribs; he nearly fell out of the chair trying to get away, laughing with tears in his eyes and out of breath.

 

“Stop doing that,” he protested, still laughing.

 

“Never.” She shook her head with solemn authority.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I took on certain responsibilities when I became your Big sister, and that’s Number Seven. It’s out of my hands.” She kept a straight but lighthearted face. Good, Jamie thought.

 

“And speaking of responsibilities, let’s get you changed and dressed.”

 

Jamie tried to be reassured, and hoped he could will it, but as he lay there he felt as though a clock were ticking, and the butterflies in his stomach wouldn’t settle down. He wasn’t looking at Amanda, but look toward the wall across the room. Amanda got him into a fresh diaper.

 

“How about some socks?” He didn’t hear her. She put ankle socks on his feet. He paid attention again when she lifted him off the table, and stood next to the dresser. Amanda opened the second drawer down and pulled out a onesie. Jamie hadn’t worn one yet, and didn’t relish the idea, but then he’d be wearing overall, so it would look like a t-shirt. He couldn’t what all she had to pick from: ones with cute phrases, one’s with outlines of animals, ones with designs. She chose a grey one with thin, blue stripes. He lifted his arms, and once it was on him she knelt to snap it closed. He was in overalls a few seconds later, the same ones he had worn to the store, with the snaps on the legs and the elastic waistband that made them less baggy but accentuated what was underneath.

 

Amanda knelt down again to straighten his hair. He looked zoned out, with his left cheek pulled back in a face she recognized as the one he used when he was thinking. The butterflies in his stomach were getting agitated; he’d always had a nervous stomach, his body’s unpleasant physical response to stress.

 

The doorbell rang, and he jumped a little.

 

“Hey.” She took his chin and gently turned his face so they were looking into each other’s eyes. “These people are going to love you, and Mom and I will be there the whole time. If you get scared, remember …” she tugged on her ear lobe. “Okay?”

 

She leaned into his crib and found his pacifier. “And here. If you don’t want to answer any questions, just put this in your mouth.” She tucked it into his pocket. “Are you ready?”

 

Trying to be brave, he put on a smile. “Do you want me to carry you?” God, yes, Jamie thought, someone to cling to.

 

“No, I’ll walk.” She smiled back and held out her hand, which he took, and they walked together back to the front room.

 

“Oh, there they are,” Becky said as she saw them come in. Jamie kept a fake smile on his face, not coincidentally the same smile he used at the rare parties he went to back there or when meeting new people when he didn’t want to. He assumed this was Daniel and Laura.

 

“Oh, he’s adorable,” Laura said to Becky.

 

Daniel knelt on one knee and put out his hand, “Daniel Webb, damn glad to meet ya!”

 

“Stop it,” Lauren snickered, giving him a gentle smack on the shoulder.

 

The exchange felt a little intimidating, but he thought it was funny, too. “Hi, I’m Jamie” He held out his hand, and it disappeared into his. He gently shook it and let it go.

 

“You can call Uncle Daniel or Danny or Dan or whatever you’re comfortable with.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He gestured to his right, “This is your Aunt Lauren.” She knelt down and went in for a hug, which by instinct he returned, but with little conviction.

 

“And you can call me Laurie.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” That was the extent of Jamie’s social skills with strangers in the best of circumstance, which these were not. Dysfunctional families and angry kids? Those, he could deal with. But in a purely social circumstance, if that’s what this was, before Cheryl he hadn’t made a new friend in a long time.

 

Thankfully, though the party was for him, he wasn’t the center of attention. Daniel and Lauren stood back up and continued their conversation with Becky.

 

“So how are you doing,” Lauren asked.

 

“Oh, we’re doing great.” Jamie felt an unexpected sense of solidarity. Ya hear that, he wanted to say, ‘We.’

 

“Is he sleeping through the night?”

 

“Oh, like a lamb. He doesn’t even wake up during his feedings.” I’m getting feedings, he wondered.

 

“How long until he’s back on solid foods?”

 

“Almost 7 weeks, but I think we’ll keep up the night time bottle ritual.”

 

“How are you doing, Amanda,” Daniel asked. He nodded toward the couch and the two of them started walking away. Jamie didn’t want  to stand there being talked about, so he tugged on her jeans. Midsentence with Daniel, she lifted him on to her hip, and the three of them sat down on the couch.

“Good. This has been just the best summer.”

 

“How do you like all this? Big change from being an only child?”

 

“This little guy?” He turned to look at her, and she looked down into his eyes. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Jamie wanted everyone to leave so he could snuggle into Amanda and stay that way until it he got hungry. But he had guests, and he didn’t want to be rude.

 

“Didn’t I tell you,” Daniel smiled. “Can I?” He looked eagerly at Amanda.

 

“I’m not the one you need to ask.”

 

Daniel held his arms out a bit. “Well, buddy?” Not wanting to be rude and worried about getting off on the wrong foot, Jamie looked first at Amanda as though asking for reassurance, which he got from a quick nod, and then nodded at Daniel, his mouth dry. Daniel took Jamie off Amanda’s lap and put him in his own.

 

This is different, Jamie thought. Amanda and Becky both felt impossibly strong, but Daniel even more so. He wasn’t as soft but he was soft enough. It just felt more firm, but also more secure, in a physical way.

 

“So Jamie, what do you like to do?”

 

“Uh …” It didn’t feel like he did much at all. He hung out, or so it seemed to him. “I guess I like to …” What is it you do all day, he wondered. He thought it through. “I have some blocks I like to build with, and Amanda picked out this really neat coloring book. And I hand outside a lot.”

 

“Do you like your swing set?”

 

“Uncle Danny helped put it together,” Amanda interjected.

 

“Yeah, I do. Thank you for helping.”

 

“You’re welcome. Do you like to play any sports?”

 

“I used to.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Um, do you have baseball here?”

 

“I’ve heard of it, but Bigs don’t play it. I bet I can find some stuff for it, though. Would you like that?”

 

“Um, I don’t want to ask for anything.”

 

“How about some time you and I get away and go do guy stuff?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know. Wrestle, go to truck rallies, watch action movies, have a burping contest, go drinking. I bet I could pick up a lot of chicks if I took you to a bar.” Jamie laughed. I guess I am kind of a babe magnet here, sort of, he thought.

 

“God, isn’t it the best feeling when they smile at you,” Daniel said to Amanda.

 

“What are you guys talking about it,” Lauren asked from across the room.

 

“Tell her,” Daniel said.

 

“Guy stuff,” Jamie answered with a smile. And everyone got a laugh out of that. Amanda, Daniel and Jamie went back to their conversation.

 

Becky caught Lauren watching her husband with a sly smile on her face. “He looks good holding a Little, doesn’t he,” Becky said. She was awfully fond of her kid brother. “You guys talk anymore about having one of your own … baby, I mean?”

 

Lauren was about to answer when there were three sharp knocks at the door. “We’ll talk later,” Lauren whispered. Becky opened the door. Jamie couldn’t see into the foyer.

 

“Jane! Oh, it’s so good to see you,” he heard Becky say.

 

“You, too. Feels like it’s been ages.”

 

“Come in.”

 

Becky appeared followed by a woman just a little heavier than her, with brown hair instead of blonde. She stooped a little coming around the corner, taking off a pair of sunglasses with her right hand and holding the strap of her purse with her left. “And this must be the famous Jamie I’ve been hearing so much about!” Her voice took on a lilt, and she set her things down just inside the living room. She crossed to the couch, and Danny took his hands off Jamie, who turned an eye over his shoulder and then back to this new person, who bent at the waist to look him in the eye. Her hands were clasped between her knees.

 

“Hi, Jamie! I’m Jane. I’m one your mommy’s friends.” She said it in a sing-song pattern pitched an octave and a half above what Jamie could tell was her normal voice.

 

Lauren and Becky followed her, and Lauren sat on a love seat opposite the couch.

 

“Actually, Jane, we’re not there yet on names,” Becky said on Jamie’s behalf. Jane turned back to Jamie.

 

“I’m sorry, Jamie. My mistake.” This time she said it in her normal voice, and Amanda made room for her on the couch.

 

“That’s okay. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“So Jamie, how are you liking it here?”

 

“At Becky’s house? I’m getting used to it.”

 

“Sorry, I meant in our town.”

 

“Oh, I guess I haven’t gotten to see much of it yet.”

 

Becky interjected. “He’s still adjusting and healing. So far, we only went to the store.”

 

“I see,” Jane said, turning back to Jamie. “When you’re ready, how’d you like to meet me and Rosie at the park?”

 

“Who’s Rosie?”

 

Jane’s face turned sour and she scoffed. Jamie was afraid he’d said something wrong. Jane turned back to look at Becky, who was seat next to Lauren. “Really, Beck?” Her voice was filled with sarcasm. “Rose is my Little’s name.”

 

“Oh.” Jamie hadn’t met another Little yet, and only glimpsed a few. “I’d like that.”

 

“Rosie can’t wait to meet you. She’s eager for another playmate. She’s playing at our neighbor’s house today.”

 

Jamie was nervous at meeting other Littles, but at the same time he was starting to get anxious to talk to a human, one who could hopefully fill him in on what he should know. He needed to hear the perspective of someone from his side of things.

 

The doorbell rang.

 

“That’ll be Mom,” Becky said. Jamie wasn’t sure exactly how, but her voice sounded different.

 

“She came,” Jane asked.

 

“Of course she came,” Becky answered defensively. She held out her hand. “C’mere, Jamie. Let’s open the door together.” Danny helped him down, and he took Becky’s hand.

 

Up until now, Jamie had been feeling such relief. Everyone was nice to him, and he really liked Danny. But now he was picking up on a weird dynamic.

 

Once in the foyer, Becky guided Jamie in front of her before she opened the door. An older woman walked in, dressed in dark colors for the summer weather, and Becky placed both her hands on the tops of Jamie’s shoulders.

 

“Hello, Mom.” It was said warmly and precisely.

 

“Good afternoon, Rebecca.” The woman bent down and seemed to inspect Jamie. So far he hadn’t felt on display, but now he felt he was being scrutinized. No one in the living room could see.

 

“Does he talk?”

 

Defensively, Jamie quickly answered on his own. “Hello, I’m Jamie.” She smiled at that, and looked up at her daughter.

 

“Hmm. He’s very verbal,” the older woman said.

 

“Thank you,” Becky replied. Wait, that was a compliment, Jamie thought. The woman turned her attention back to Jamie.

 

“I’m your grandma.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name,” he asked as he held out his hand.

 

“Grandma,” she answered, slowly, her hand dripping with well-meaning condescension as she shook his. “Grand-ma.”

 

Jamie wanted to be diplomatic here. He once again reminded himself to be generous, not to assume the worst. Perhaps she just hadn’t been told much about him. And he certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if his own feelings weren’t being especially respected at the moment. “Uh … what else can I call you,” he asked as he took his hand back.

 

“Uh, let’s see. Granny. Nana.”

 

Some people need to be hit over the head. “I’d rather call you by your name, for now.”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Some people hit back. Her tone made it plain she meant it.

 

There’s always two kinds of grandmas, Jamie pondered. The sweet ones who will spoil you when you’re little and be a safe confidant when you’re older. And that other kind, the overly formal, this-is-a-hierarchy-and-I’m-at-the-top-and-you’re-at-the-bottom kind. One wants you feel loved, and the other wants you to know you’re loved; one wants to teach you how to love, and the other wants to teach you about respect, even when they don’t do anything to earn it. And the silly part is they both love you just as much, or think they do, and they both think they’re doing the right thing. But only one of them is right

 

 

Another test of wills, Jamie thought, Fine - ‘Hey You’ it is until further notice. He felt like a foster kid again, ending up in a new home, where frequently someone would regard him with barely disguised disdain, as though they judged him for being parentless. He didn’t always help himself in those situations, lashing back out with sarcasm to show, if nothing else, he was clever.

 

“Actually, ma’am,” he couldn’t be faulted for calling her that, could he, “I prefer to be called Mister Tibbs.”

 

She was obviously perplexed. No one had told her his names was Tibbs, and what Little did any self-respecting Big call ‘Mister’ except when the Little was in trouble.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“They call me ‘MISTER Tibbs.” And Jamie could have kept a straight face were it not for the look of astonishment on hers. He belly-laughed and couldn’t stop himself.

 

“Hi Grandma,” Amanda swept in to defuse the situation. “I haven’t seen you in so long?”

 

“What are you talking about? You saw me three weeks ago.”

 

“Oh, well I guess it just felt like a long time.” Amanda took her arm and pulled her toward the kitchen.

 

“That’s a very rude Little your mother picked out. Did she find him at the pound?”

 

“Oh, I know! Isn’t he the worst,” Amanda answered in her syrupy whatever-makes-you-happy-grandma voice, but she still managed to turn around give to Jamie a thumbs up.

 

Becky wasn’t so pleased, but Jamie couldn’t tell with whom. She sighed, and walked back into the living room, where Lauren, Danny, and Jane were red faced and stifling guffaws.

 

Lauren held out her hand to Jamie, and feeling comfortable now, he walked over to her. Lauren had been made to feel much the same way when Danny first introduced her to her future mother-in-law, except she didn’t have the excuse of being a Little to answer back.

 

She patted the seat next to her and Jamie climbed up. “I like you a lot,” she said. “She’s not gonna forget that, just so you know.”

 

“Thanks for the warning.”

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

A simple lunch was served. Jamie was a little embarrassed to be fed a bottle in front of everyone, especially Danny, but he knew, in theory, no one expected otherwise, especially since they knew about his operation. A small cake with “Welcome Jamie” spelled across it was served.

 

He sat in Becky’s lap, and she fed him icing off her finger. This made Jamie feel better; she’d acted so strange with her mother, and he was afraid she was upset with him for mouthing off to her. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, even Becky’s mother, but Jamie could tell her version of a good time was at best more subdued than everyone else’s. She didn’t even sing when the cake was cut.

 

Everyone went back to the living room and sat facing each other, the conversation wandering from topic to topic, sometimes involving Jamie and sometimes not. He joined in where he could and otherwise sat in Amanda’s lap and listened, interested to hear more about these people’s lives.

 

After a while, Jamie began to feel tired and hot. He was trying to keep listening, but his head started to hurt. Suddenly the butterflies were back in his stomach, except this time they felt like angry humming birds. He slumped again Amanda and tugged on his ear.

 

She leaned in close so he could whisper in her ear. “You getting tired, buddy?”

 

“I don’t feel well.” Amanda put her palm on his forehead and then his cheek. He felt sweaty. His stomach started to cramp. Amanda lifted him so he was resting over her shoulder and stood up.

 

“Jamie is getting pretty tired. I’m going to go put him down.”

 

“Really? You didn’t get to open your presents yet,” Jane said.

 

Amanda was already walking out of the room, and Jamie weakly waved. Another cramp hit him, and he couldn’t prevent what happened next. Amanda felt it, and responded by rubbing his back and cooing in his ear as she carried him to his room. She held him and kept patting his back, waiting for him to finish. Becky came in.

 

“What happened?” She sounded a little alarmed, not as much as a first-time parent, but enough that Amanda could hear it in her voice.

 

“He’s fine, Mom. Just an upset tummy.”

 

“Oh, dear. I guess that’s my fault. Icing after a liquid diet for months just may have been too rich.” She stepped forward and put a hand on his back.

 

Jamie wanted to tell her it was okay, but he wanted to tell her later. Just then he wanted to feel miserable.

 

“That’s alright,” Amanda answered on her behalf. “It’s not much richer than the formula. I’ll get him cleaned up and put him down.”

 

“I’ll see everyone out.” She leaned in and kissed Jamie. “Sorry.”

 

Thinking he was finished, Amanda laid Jamie gently on the changing table, undressed him and began cleaning him up.

 

“What’s wrong with him?” Her grandmother was standing in the doorway.

 

“He’s got an upset tummy. Can you wait outside?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because Jamie would like some privacy.”

 

Privacy? He’s just a Little, her grandma thought.

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

When Jamie awoke later, having been changed twice more during the six hours he’d been asleep, it was dark out and Becky was in the room holding a bottle of what looked like juice.

 

“Hey,” she whispered. “How you feeling?”

 

“Better,” he answered truthfully but tiredly.

 

“You were a pretty sick little boy. Are your thirsty?” She’d given him three bottles of the hydration solution while he was out.

 

“Mhhm.” She handed him the bottle and let him hold it himself.

 

“I’m so sorry. I think that was my fault.”

 

Jamie wasn’t so sure. He’d always had a nervous stomach, and he wasn’t feeling great before the party. More likely the icing set off something that would have happened, albeit to a lesser degree, anyway.

 

“It’s okay.” He sounded so sleepy.

 

“It’s very late. Go back to sleep, honey.”

 

He wasn’t drinking anymore, so she took the bottle from his mouth but left it in the crib. He caressed his cheek with her thumb and left him to rest.

[Pierry Louys]

Hahahahahah they call me mr tibss hahaha so funny ! Really liked the new characters and Jamie interaction with them ! 

[YourFNF]

Yet another great chapter.... Grandma seems like a bitch...  I love to see Becky coming around.

[Sarah Penguin]

Mean grandma but at least she didn't turn into her wolf form ant eat him on the steps.  Great show of evil werewolf grandma restraint.  Though possibly only because her daughter werewolf was in front of her and they'd have to throw down wolf-style in public which would probably upset the neighbors, then when when it hits the news there are werewolf hunters all around and things get complicated.  She's probably waiting for a better time & place.

[Alex Bridges]

1 hour ago, Sarah Penguin said:

Mean grandma but at least she didn't turn into her wolf form ant eat him on the steps.  Great show of evil werewolf grandma restraint.  Though possibly only because her daughter werewolf was in front of her and they'd have to throw down wolf-style in public which would probably upset the neighbors, then when when it hits the news there are werewolf hunters all around and things get complicated.  She's probably waiting for a better time & place.

?

Im pretty sure she’s just a smelly bitch.

[WBDaddy]

Reminds me of my own grandmother.  Except for the "wanting you to know you're loved" part.  She gave zero fucks about that. 

[Alex Bridges]

1 hour ago, WBDaddy said:

Reminds me of my own grandmother.  Except for the "wanting you to know you're loved" part.  She gave zero fucks about that. 

I’m sorry you had that experience.

I’ve had both kinds. He one makes you appreciate the other. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve come to appreciate the less kind one in her own way. I don’t think anybody asks to be the way they are. I know her intentions, and though I don’t want to spend time with her, I know in her own way, she means well.

[DiaperBoy37]

Cant wait for the next update. 

[WBDaddy]

7 hours ago, Author_Alex said:

I’m sorry you had that experience.

I’ve had both kinds. He one makes you appreciate the other. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve come to appreciate the less kind one in her own way. I don’t think anybody asks to be the way they are. I know her intentions, and though I don’t want to spend time with her, I know in her own way, she means well.

Trust me, she didn't mean well.  She was just a hateful old bitch who wanted everyone else to feel the way she felt toward family, because she was dumped on someone's doorstep as a baby and was reminded of it every time she stepped out of line growing up.  

[Alex Bridges]

2 hours ago, WBDaddy said:

Trust me, she didn't mean well.  She was just a hateful old bitch who wanted everyone else to feel the way she felt toward family, because she was dumped on someone's doorstep as a baby and was reminded of it every time she stepped out of line growing up.  

I didn't doubt it. Those folks live in the world, too. If we forget, they remind us. Hope you like this next installment.

__________________________________________________

And chapter 12. There's something I'm trying to work toward, and I'm not sure if this chapter did it or not. I started out with a scene in mind that I quickly changed to this scenario, which I think is better and, within the story, more consistent and authentic with the world I've created.

In other news, Daylight Savings Time should be all the time. Anyone who disagrees should go eat worms.

__________________________________________________

Chapter 12

 

After a night’s rest and a thorough bath, Jamie was ready to write to Cheryl.

 

My Forever Friend, Cheryl,

 

I’m called Jamie now. Amanda picked it out, I think. You were right about her. No one has ever been so nice to me, except you. She calls me her buddy. She makes it bearable here so far.

 

 

 

Becky and I got off to a rougher start. At first, it was like she was so blinded by her idea of a Little that she didn’t how I was different. She’s never been less than kind, but sometimes inconsiderate. But Amanda talked to her. I don’t know what she said, but Becky apologized. She promised if I trusted her and gave her another chance to show me she loved me, I’d come to love her and even heal, she said. I don’t know what that means, ‘heal.’ If it means to forget, I’d rather stay broken. Do you think that’s what I am? I don’t want to be a pity case.

 

 

 

There are some thing I hadn’t anticipated, and if I had, I don’t know that I’d have come. They’re hard sometimes, but not everything about them is bad.

 

 

 

They threw an arrival party for me yesterday. I like Amanda’s uncle Danny and aunt Laurie, and Becky’s best friend, Jane. Jane has a Little named Rose. Becky’s mom seems like a piece of work. I sorta made fun of her, but honestly, I don’t feel guilty about it, and everyone else thought it was funny. Except Becky, but she didn’t seem mad either.

 

 

 

I’m going to get to me Rose eventually. I haven’t gotten to meet any other Littles yet. I saw some in a store. Most of them seemed regressed. I think I’ll feel better when I get to talk to some Littles and hear their perspective on things. They have to have some tips and tricks to make things easier.

 

 

 

Other than that trip to the store, I haven’t gone out yet. I had several surgeries, and between that and the time difference, I’m tired a lot. The surgeries don’t hurt very much anymore, but I guess I’m still mending.

 

 

 

About that trip to the store. Some random lady just came right up and pinched me cheek, and then when I got mad she did it again! Like she didn’t even hear me! I’m nervous about meeting other Bigs, not because I’m worried they’ll be mean to me but because they’ll treat me like she did, like I’m not a full person.

 

 

 

I try to tell myself it will be okay as long as Becky and Amanda are around, but I know at some point, when summer ends, they won’t be around all the time. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but sometimes it’s easier not to think about it. Every day is pretty much the same; that’s comforting, in a way. I think it will get boring eventually, but so far it’s better, I think.

 

 

 

Most of my day is spent with Amanda. It’s a bit embarrassing, but when I do get bored, I follow her around. She never gets tired of me, though. She usually picks me up and keeps doing what she was doing, or else she stops and we talk or she helps me find something fun to do. It seems I never go long but I’m with her or she comes to me, I like that. She makes me feel ... I’m not sure. I just want to be with her most of the time.

 

 

 

I have two people who love me. I don’t know if I’d can say with sincerity I have that depth of feeling for them, even for Amanda. It would be absurd to, right? I’ve known them little more than a week.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the presents you gave me. They were each so thoughtful. The bear is ... I’ve never had anything that was important to me. He sleeps with me. Sometimes I carry him around the house. I know it’s silly; it’s just a teddy bear. But because it’s from you ... I don’t understand how a teddy bear could make me feel so much better when it’s just a bear. But it does.

 

 

 

I’ve only heard its voice once. It hurt so bad, hearing your voice and not seeing you, and not knowing when I’ll see you again, I don’t think I can hear it again. But knowing your voice is inside there makes me feel that I’ve not lost you. I haven’t, have I?

 

 

 

There are times when I’m afraid I’m pretending, or maybe don’t even know I’m pretending. Do I feel such affection for Amanda because I have her with me and not you? Is the bear just a substitute? Your words are always a great comfort to me. Not hearing them every day leaves a void. I can’t tell if Amanda is filling that void in my heart, or if my heart grows each day to make a space for her.

 

 

 

I can’t say I’m unhappy, but neither am I happy. I don’t know what this feeling is. There are moments, many of them, when I smile and laugh and have fun and suppose am I happy. But it feels like those moments end, and then there’s just the uncertainty. What am I doing here?

 

 

 

Did I trade for a better world, or did I just trade for a new world to be sad in?

 

 

 

I can’t foresee where this all ends. Amanda can’t tell me that, or Becky. They know where they want it to end, and they believe it will; they seem so sure of it. I want to be sure of it, too, and I try to will myself to have their confidence, but I can’t, or when I can it only keeps away the doubt so long. I never doubted your word. When you were sure, I was sure. Can you tell me, where does this road go?

 

 

 

I thought I was scared when I left you. I thought that was the hard part, and it was so hard, harder than anything I’ve done, and I’ve done what’s hard. I had to do what was hard, and then I chose to do what was hard. Then I chose to walk away from all that, as far as I thought I could walk. The road didn’t end, Cheryl. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking it would, or else chose not to think on it because I didn’t want to know.

 

 

 

As there’s a path still to tread, I guess I have to keep walking. It feels more like a limp. Cheryl, do you know where this road goes? Do you know the way?

 

 

 

Your Forever Friend,

 

Jamie

 

 

PS, Becky sings a song to me every night. Its last verse make me think of you.

 

 

Though sad fate our lives may sever

 

Parting will not last forever,

 

There's a hope that leaves me never,

 

All through the night

 

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

 

“Where are we going?” Jamie had asked once already and had not gotten a straight answer. Were they trying to surprise him with something? He doubted it.

 

“You'll see,” Becky answered. Amanda kept silent.

 

Jamie gave up and watched the houses go by out the window. Everything reminded him of pictures of ancient Rome, not because things were ornate but because they were so massive. Not being told put him in a suspicious mood bordering on irritated.

 

They pulled into the parking lot of a long, rectangular, brick building. Jamie was allowed to walk into the building, but he had to hold Becky’s hand. He wanted to ask Amanda what was going in; surely she’d level with him, but he never got the chance. Once in the building, he saw the sign board listing names and initials behind them. This is a medical building.

 

Why not tell him he was going to the doctor if nothing was wrong? But he felt fine. Were they going to do something to him? They rode the elevator to the third floor and went into a waiting room filled with Little and their Bigs. Amanda took Jamie to find a chair while Becky registered them.

 

Littles were sitting next to their Bigs, some were in strollers or carriers, some were playing on the floor with toys. Some looked sick, and some, like Jamie, looked fine. Their Little ages ran from new born to child. He could easily tell some of them were regressed by their faces and body language. Their eyes looked bright enough, but their hands and arms jerked when they tried to move them; nothing was smooth. Or else they had control of their gross motor skills, but no their fine; one held a sippy cup with both hands, while another smashed two toy cars together. He looked happy, but he also looked like he wasn’t capable of any game much more complex than that. Only one other Little, besides Jamie, looked completely with it.

 

“Jamie,” a nurse called out as she opened the door. She held the door and then showed the three of them to an examination room. “The nurse will be in shortly.” Jamie heard loud crying from the room next door; he was out of patience.

 

“Why are we here?”

 

“It’s just a check-up.”

 

“And?”

 

“And that’s it.”

 

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

 

“Well, I know the doctor can be scary.”

 

Yeah, Jamie though, when you’re five, and not knowing can be scary too. It would make sense if he was regressed, but he wasn’t. There was a knock on the door and it opened before they could answer. Guess doctors do that here, too, Jamie mused. Becky stood up to greet the young woman who came in.

 

“Hi,” she said, “I’m Dawn. I’m one of Dr. Perkins’ nurses.”

 

Becky answered back for the three of them. “Hi Dawn. I’m Rebecca, this is Amanda, and of course, this is Jamie.”

 

Though he was seated on the exam table, Dawn still had to bend down slightly to look him in the eye.

 

“Hello, Jamie. I’m Nurse Dawn. It’s a big day for you, isn’t it? Are you ready for your first physical?” She said it as though speaking to an actual infant, her voice pitched higher than when she spoke to Becky.

 

“Actually, I’ve had, like, 50 of these.”

 

“Ohho, well today you get your first real one.” Was that a shot at me or human medicine, he wondered.

 

“I’m not regressed.”

 

“I know. It says so right here in your chart. Arms up.” Her tone didn’t change.

 

Jamie looked at Becky, who was smiling weakly. “It’s okay, honey, she's just going to undress you.”

 

“I can do it.”

 

Rather than reply, Dawn lifted his arms for him and pulled off his shirt, pushed him back gently, and then removed his shoes, socks, and pants.

 

Jamie looked pleadingly at Becky and Amanda. He wasn’t sure why; maybe because she was being so patronizing, and because this was the first time someone other than the two of them saw him in just a diaper.

 

The nurse lifted his wrist and took his pulse. Jamie preferred to not look at her. With a tug on one and then other hip, Jamie heard his diaper being opened and felt the cool air. It made him need to pee.

 

“Oh my, goodness,” Dawn squeaked, “someone is all dry.” Jamie rolled his eyes.

 

“Yeah, which one of us,” he asked in his driest voice. Amanda had to cover her mouth to stifle her laughter. Even Becky chuckled. Dawn didn’t get it.

 

“We need to get a quick urine sample.” Finally, Jamie thought, I can show them I can control my bladder. He started to sit up, and Dawn pushed him back down.

 

“It’s a lot easier to go standing up,” he said.

 

She shushed him. “It’s alright, honey. I know this doesn’t feel very good.”

 

"What doesn't? What are you doing?"

 

She didn't answer. She took his penis in her hand and began wiping the end of it with a something wet. He cringed. Before he could over it, he suddenly felt something wet and just above freezing being rubbed in circles over this bladder, and he felt an irresistible urge to pee, which he did. He heard it hitting the plastic of a specimen. Jamie wasn’t sure if he had purposefully let his urine go or not. The need was so urgent, he couldn’t tell if he instantly relaxed or lost control. He was embarrassed and angry.

 

“What did you just do?”

 

“Sorry, kiddo, I know that was cold.”

 

“That …”

 

Before he could finish, Dawn flipped him over. “Did you bring a stool sample?” Jamie blanched.

 

“Right here.” Becky reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bag with an opaque specimen cup inside.

 

Jamie put his head back down. Screw this, he thought, resigning himself to being a passive participant. Or at least he did until he felt a very large hand spreading his butt cheeks apart.

 

“HEY!” Jamie struggled to get up, but Dawn pushed him back down.

 

Amanda interjected. “Could you be a little gentler, please?”

 

To everyone’s astonishment, Dawn answered with, “Aww, aren’t you just the cutest Big sister. Don’t worry, baby, it won’t hurt.”

 

Amanda scowled and shot back, “I’m not regressed either, lady.” Dawn had already turned back to the task at hand.

 

Becky intervened. “This way is much more accurate for Littles, trust me.” She stepped forward and put a hand on Jamie’s back, gently, but he knew she’d hold him down if she needed to.

 

Jamie tried coming to his own defense. “Can we talk about this! I mean, what’s so bad about being off a tenth of degree. That’s not ...” He was cut off mid-sentence by a greasy finger entering his backside. “Ow! Take that out! Do you even fucking hear me?”

 

“Shh,” was Becky’s response, which she meant well, but it did nothing to make Jamie feel better. The finger was withdrawn and something much thinner was inserted. Jamie would have tried to get up, but holding perfectly still seemed the wise option. He laid with his cheek pressed to the table, thinking, fuck this and all y’all.

 

After fifteen seconds, the thermometer was removed. Dawn folded the diaper back over Jamie’s butt and announced, “The doctor will be in just a minute.”

 

“I’m sorry, baby, I know that wasn’t nice, but it was necessary,” Becky said as she stroked his back. Jamie huffed in response.

 

“Amanda,” he asked.

 

“Yeah, buddy?” She stepped up to the exam table, and Jamie subtly titled his eyes. She caught the signal and bent down so he could whisper in her ear.

 

Amanda nodded and opened the diaper bag, took out wipe, then folded back the diaper again and cleaned the lubricant from between his cheeks.

 

“Thank you.”

 

There was another knock, and again another woman came in without waiting for a response.

 

“Hi! I’m Dr. Perkins. You must be Rebecca.”

 

“Becky, please.”

 

“So, his first physical.”

 

Jamie was getting a headache.

 

“May I?” It wasn’t a question as she stepped forward and placed what Jamie could tell was a cold stethoscope on his back.

 

“I don’t even have to be here for this,” Jamie said.

 

“Shh. Be very quiet for me, babe.” Jamie’s inevitable sigh coincided with her request he take a deep breath. “Can you be a big boy and roll over for me?”

 

Becky said something this time. “Yes, because he’s not regressed.”

 

“Oh! I’m sorry. Sometimes we just forget!” But the apology was to Becky, not Jamie. He turned himself over, and she put the stethoscope back on his chest, then his belly.

 

She probed around his abdomen. “Any complaints?”

 

“Just an upset tummy last week. It cleared up in a day.”

 

She folded the diaper down and checked Jamie’s privates. To her credit, she was gentle.

 

Finally, the doctor spoke to Jamie. “I’m go to press in a few places, and I want you to tell me if it hurts.” He nodded, and she pushed gently around his stomach, pubic mound, hips and joints.

 

“There,” Jamie winced.

 

“Here?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Okay, sorry.” She turned her attention back to Becky. “Well, that’s normal for the surgery he had. He’s healing at the right rate. He’s moving around alright?”

 

“Yes. He gets tired easily, though.”

 

“That’s to be expected. I don’t see anything different from what the doctors at the hospital noted. He looks healthy and well developed.”

 

“Then can I get up?” She ignored him.

 

“How’s he tolerating his diet.”

 

“Hey! Can you please address me, dammit!” James sat himself up and did his best to look deserving of respect, albeit nude.

 

The doctor turned and look at him with a blank expression for a few second before turning back to Becky. “There are things we do to manage his behavioral outbursts, such as medication.”

 

Becky cut her off. “No, thank you.”

 

Now Perkins look at Becky blankly and turned to Amanda, who looked livid. “Alright. I’ll have Dawn come back in and give him his vaccination, and then you’re free to go.” She left.

 

Becky sighed. “Sorry, Jamie. Let’s get you redressed.” Becky was getting his shoe on by the time Dawn came in.

 

“Alright. So this will only take a sec.” Dawn laid out a syringe, alcohol wipe, and band-aid on the exam table next to Jamie.

 

“What’s the shot for?” Dawn ignored him.

 

“Becky?”

 

“It’s just a vaccination. You got some in the hospital but will need some boosters.”

 

He nodded. Amanda stepped forward and took his hand. “Squeeze if it hurts, buddy.”

 

Dawn rolled up his sleeve and rubbed his arm vigorously with the alcohol wipe. “Are you gonna be brave for me?” She pinched his arm to make the needle slide in easier. It looked no different than any other needle he’d been stuck with.

 

“What’s the big deal? I’ve gotten shots …” Dawn inserted the need and depressed the plunger.

 

Jamie’s lips quivered. Agony. Pure agony, like he’d been stabbed by a rhinoceros horn! He burst into tears and proceeded to wail while crushing Amanda’s fingers. Dawn put a bandaid over the spot. Jamie’s arm felt limp.

 

“He’s all set to go.”

 

“Oh, baby boy, I know it hurts.” Both Becky and Amanda tried to comfort him, and it was only a moment before he got himself under control, though he still lost a few more tears.

 

“What the hell was that? What did she do to me?”

 

Becky rubbed his back. “It was just a shot honey. They hurt.”

 

“Not like that! We have shots where I’m from, too! Did she maim me? Is it bleeding?” Amanda couldn’t help but chuckle at his dramatics. Littles and shots – she didn’t understand how they could overreact so much.

 

“Can we go home?”

 

“I think that’s a good idea.”

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Once inside, Becky told Jamie, “Go wait for me in your room. I’ll be there in a minute.” Amanda stayed behind.

 

“We have to get a new doctor, Mom. She and her nurse were just awful.”

 

“Agreed. We need to take Jamie out somewhere he can meet Bigs soon. He’s left the house twice so far, and both times were terrible for him. He’s gonna think we’re monsters.

 

But I need to have a little talk with him first. He can’t behave like that and expect to get away with it.”

 

“I know. The books say it’s important to confront Littles as soon after misbehavior as you can.”

 

“Yeah, so I’m gonna go talk to him and then put him down for his nap.” She filled a bottle of water and went to Jamie’s room, where she found him sitting his chair looking  tired and rubbing his arm as though he’d been an industrial accident.

 

“Jamie, we need to have a little talk.” She sat down in the rocking chair. “Come over here, please.” Jaime didn’t like where this was going, but her face said it wasn’t a question. He got up and walked to her, and once he was close enough, she leaned out and picked him up, putting in in her lap so they were facing each other. His heart skipped half a beat; the action reminded him of large, fast hands from his childhood. And the moment reminded him just how much at the mercy of her good intentions he was.

 

He figured to head off trouble by apologizing, though what for he wasn’t sure. “Becky, I …”

 

“I’m going to talk first. I don’t like how that doctor and nurse talked to us or treated you. They had no excuse. We’re going to find a new one for you. Okay?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“But I also don’t like the way you talked to them. When someone is rude to you, you can’t just be rude back. That doesn’t fix things. And your language is not alright. When you get angry or afraid, you need to use appropriate words.”

 

“I know I used some swear words, but overall, I don’t think I said or did anything that was out of line.”

 

“Where you come from, when someone made you angry, is that how you talked to them?”

 

“Well ... no.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it’s just not how I talk to people.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“It would just be wrong; you’re supposed to control those impulses.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

 But people didn’t treat me like …”

 

“Like a Little?”

 

His ears burned. “Yeah.”

 

“I like you so much the way you are, Jamie. I like the way you came to us, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. You’re smart and funny and confident. Those are all good things, and it’s important to me you stay that way. Understand?”

 

He nodded.

 

“You are a Little, and that’s such a good thing. Some things are different here, and they’re all for your good, even if you don’t understand why. For instance, Littles get their temperature taken in their bottom. That nurse should have explained things to you as she went along instead of ignoring you. She was wrong about the way she did it, but she did what she needed to do for you.”

 

Jamie wasn’t liking this conversation. Why do Littles get treated differently? That seemed like a whole different conversation, and Jamie didn’t want to solve it just then. He wanted to end the lecture. Still …

 

“But … I’m not stupid. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time.”

 

“Of course you’re not stupid. You’re very, very smart. Remember when we talked about trust? That’s what this is. Rights and responsibilities go hand in hand; you gave up a lot of responsibilities, and that was for the best. But that means some things can’t be up to you. That’s why you have to trust us and let us make some decisions for you, even when you don’t understand why. It takes a lot of courage to trust that much.”

 

That made a certain sense. Someone with no responsibilities but who thinks they can still make decisions when it’s convenient for them is called a brat. Still, there’s a line between trust and credulity.

 

“That … what if I really disagree? Like, I don’t think they do have my interests in mind?”

 

“You ask me or Amanda, or someone you do trust, and then you do what we decide.”

 

“What if the only person is around is someone I don’t know enough to trust?”

 

“Like who?”

 

“I don’t know … a babysitter?”

 

“I wouldn’t put a babysitter in charge of you that I didn’t trust. But, if you ever feel unsafe, you do what you think is best, and we’ll talk about it together later. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” So basically, Jamie thought, my right to do what I want has a limit. He thought back again to the adoption agreement. You have the rights of a minor, which effectively meant he had given up rights, a lot of them.

 

And he wouldn’t ever talk to anyone the way he did to the doctor and nurse, not as an adult. He knew better – it was rude and it made whatever the problem was worse; everyone just dug in their heels more.

 

The tables turned. Jamie used to tell kids in new situations something very much like what Becky told him. These people know best, or I wouldn’t put you with them; you need to do what they say, but if you ever feel unsafe or if they hurt you, tell me or another adult.

 

I just got told to behave myself, in other words, he thought. And overall, he didn’t disagree, at least in theory. Giving up the power to make certain decisions, which he had agreed to do, was something he had to do in order to have the freedom of having less responsibility. I can’t have my cake and eat it too. And he knew trying otherwise wouldn’t help him in the long-run; he’d just be another version of his old self, or worse.

 

“I know it will be hard for you sometimes, especially at first. Sometimes you might not succeed, and we’ll work on it together. Does that make sense?”

 

He could foresee that. No one never misbehaves. What then? One thing at a time, though, he thought. “It makes sense.

 

“It’s your nap time. When you wake up, we can talk again if you have more questions.” She hugged him tightly, undressed him, and kissed him before raising the crib rail and turning off the light.

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

When Jamie woke up some time later. His arm still hurt. He found the bottle of water Becky had left in his crib and started drinking. He never seemed to wait long between waking up from a nap and someone coming to get him. He did his business in anticipation of being clean again very soon. Sure enough, he only had to wait a few minutes. It was Amanda, the person he wanted to see. She shut the door behind her.

 

“Hey, buddy!” She said it in excited voice, a little higher than normal, but it wasn’t like when others did it. She was excited to see him, Jamie knew, and it wasn’t patronizing. He smiled back at her but stayed where he was. She lowered the crib rail and knelt down so she was at his left, and then ran her hand over his back. He was beginning to recognize her hands by the way they felt different from Becky’s, softer, more delicate. In some ways, this was the best part of his day.

 

It was Amanda’s, too. She always took the opportunity when she could to get him up from his naps; it was quality time together.

 

“How about we go straight into some PJs for the rest of the day?” That was fine by Jamie; he was growing to like those sleepers. She picked a pair from his dresser. He wondered how many there were. He’d only worn a couple of them more than once.

 

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

This was also getting so routine that it was losing the power to bother Jamie. So long as he was able to time it right, he didn’t have to endure it long. That it didn’t bother her, or Becky, made him feel at least as though he didn’t have to feel ashamed.

 

“How does your arm feel?”

 

“It still hurts.”

 

“You were very brave.”

 

Jamie blushed. “No I wasn’t.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Because I cried like an infant.”

 

“Ya know, every day I see people who walk around with some hurt inside them. Are they brave because they don’t cry?”

 

“Well … no.”

 

“So what makes them brave?”

 

“I guess, that they keep going.”

 

“That’s right. Anything else?”

 

Jamie thought about it. “I can’t think of anything.”

 

“How about that when they need to, they ask for help? I think that’s very brave.”

 

“I think so too.” I guess that’s what I did, Jamie thought.

 

“And there’s nothing wrong with a Little letting it out when something hurts a lot. That’s just another way of asking for help.”

 

That made Jamie feel better. It took away some shame. He was clean again.

 

“Manda?”

 

She smiled at him funny. “What did you call me?” He blushed; he hadn’t meant to.

 

“Um … Manda. Sorry.”

 

She ruffled his hair. “Don’t be. I like it.”

 

Jamie smiled. Now he had given her a name, too, even if he didn’t mean to. A name only he knew.

 

“How bad … was I?” He wanted her opinion. It meant the most to him.

 

Zipping up his footies, she picked him up and carried him to the rocking chair.

 

“Can you hear me?”

 

“Of course I can.”

 

“And you’re listening really well?”

 

“Yes … promise.” Was he about to get another lecture?

 

“You weren’t ‘bad,’ Jamie. I don’t think you could be bad if you wanted to. You just made a little mistake. And when that doctor started talking about medicating you, I wanted to make a much bigger mistake than you did. Did you notice what Mom did?”

 

“She just shut down the conversation.”

 

“Right. That was the right way to handle it. The rest of it, they only did what they were supposed to, but it was how they did it. They were very mean to you. Has anyone been mean to you before?”

 

“Of course. Lots.”

 

“When you were a kid, how did you handle it?”

 

“I’d get angry … which didn’t usually work.”

 

“Exactly. You learned better ways to handle it. Ya know what I think happened? I think, without you realizing it, not having a say made you feel you weren’t responsible for what happened next, so you said what felt good even though you really know it wouldn’t help.”

 

Jamie realized Amanda had him totally figured out. He wondered what else she knew.

 

“But you were responsible for some of what could have happened next, weren’t you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“That can be really hard to remember when we feel powerless, that we only feel that way. What we say and do can make things better or worse.”

 

Jamie certainly knew that was true. There wasn’t much that couldn’t be made worse.

 

“You’re right.”

 

“And I know you know I’m right, because you’re a very smart person. Sometimes we all forget things and make mistakes. That’s another Big sister responsibility, help you avoid those and helping you learn from the ones that get made even though we both try.”

 

Jamie just wrapped her arms around her. He shuddered a bit, to know he was safe with her. She kissed his head and stoked his hair. “Feel better.”

 

“Much. Thank you.”

 

“I’ve got something else for you, too.” She reached around to her back pocket and withdrew an envelope.

 

Jamie’s breath grew a little faster. Excited and nervous. She handed him the letter and he looked at it for a long moment.

 

“Tell you what. How ‘bout you just hang out in here for a while?” She set him on his feet, and he finally looked away from the envelope.

 

“Okay.”

 

Amanda decided to empty the diaper pail, so she took that with he.

 

Before she reached the door, Jamie asked, Manda? What are you doing later?”

 

“After lunch, I thought I’d go lay in the sun for a bit.”

 

“Can I come with you?”

 

“Of course.”

 

When Amanda walked by his room twenty minutes later, Jamie was under his crib, re-reading his letter.

 

_­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Dearest Jamie,

 

What a joy to see your name on the envelope! My thoughts turn to you by the hour. The hours are long sometimes. It is a great relief to know you are well.

 

 

 

You are not broken, Jamie. Never.

 

 

 

You have me and always will. Forever and ever. Whatever else you doubt in the world, never doubt that. No distance or time or force can sever what we have. We are part of each other, now and always.

 

 

 

I’m so happy you and Amanda are growing so close. She’s a sweeter person than she knows. I saw her in it like I saw it in you. She is young yet, though not so much younger than you. None of us knows all of what we are until time in its fullness reveals ourselves, but each day we come to know more. We shape and are shaped by the people around us. You are helping her to know herself for the miracle she is as much as she is helping you.

 

 

 

Becky is right. Trust her, and you won’t regret it. I placed the two of you in each other’s arms. Trust that, and you will trust her.

 

 

 

My sweet boy, I don’t know where the road goes. I don’t know the way. But I know you’re on the right road. I’d have held you back otherwise. It was hard enough not to.

 

 

 

You are a pilgrim now. Pilgrims have far to walk; they know where they mean to go, but they don’t always know what they’ll encounter along the way, or what paths they’ll follow when the road diverges, but a pilgrim is never lost. Wherever he goes, he is still a pilgrim, and whether he ever arrives where he set out to, a pilgrim always arrives where he is meant to.

 

 

 

A pilgrim’s walk is easy some days. There’s dew on the grass in the morning. The sun warms you. The breeze pushes you along.

 

 

 

Other days, the walking is hard. The mud pulls at you feet. The rain pounds at you. The wind pushes you back.

 

 

 

Good days and bad, it hurts to walk far. But the way provides for pilgrims who keep walking anyway. I’ve never met someone so able to endure as you. You will walk so far you'll discover wonderful things only you'll know of, and then you'll share it with us the way you've shared yourself and made our lives so much richer.

 

 

 

And when you think you can walk no farther, when it hurts too much to take another step, Becky and Amanda will carry you. Others will, too. They’ll carry you because it lightens their hearts to shoulder your weight. We carry those we love.

 

 

 

And when you’re ready, they’ll know it, even if you do not, and they’ll set you back on your feet. How far you will go.

 

 

 

I walk beside you always.

 

 

 

Your Forever Friend,

 

Cheryl

 

[YourFNF]

1 hour ago, Author_Alex said:

 

 

I walk beside you always.

 

 

 

Your Forever Friend,

 

Cheryl

 

That last part hit me right in the gut..... Just all the feels....

I can't help but think about how much Mel and I have to work on together, and how grateful I am to have her in my life to lean on.... Fuck I may actually start crying...