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Done Adulting, Volume 1 (Now available on Amazon with a preview of Volume 2)


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I'm not exactly an AB. An adult kid at best, but really just a DL. But when I was out at dinner tonight I saw a young mom with her diaper bag backpack on and the little bottle of milk in the outer pocket and she was pretty cute besides - well, I felt a little flutter in my tummy and wished she was my dinner date instead of my dad and brother. That's been happening as I'm writing. After almost 20 years as an active age player and diaper fetishist, it's not often that something feels new and exciting again, but writing this has brought some of that back. ☺️

A nice, long update.

PS, the typos re starting to bother me, but not enough to proofread. I post each chapter as soon as I'm finished writing it. Sorry for all the word my brain said but fingers forgot to type.

________________________________________

Chapter 21, Part 4

 

 

Jamie knew how to fight, or at least protect himself. The neighborhoods he grew up in, and the group homes, that was something he had learned, and as a social worker in those same environments, he had been trained to safely restrain a violent child or teen. He’d done it a few times, most often pulling one kid off another. Girls, he recalled, were worse in that sense; once it escalated to fighting, they didn’t stop swinging just because he separated them. Bobby was bigger than Jamie and bigger than anyone Jamie had ever gotten physical with, but he was also regressed, not much but probably enough to make him clumsy. But Jamie didn’t care. It was easier to walk away, and what would he want to get in a fight for anyway?

 

“Sorry you feel that way. Maybe we can be friends someday,” Jamie said. He didn’t trust Bobby to not do something stupid, so he backed away by going under the swing set. Bobby just glared at him, disappointed that he had failed to even hurt Jamie’s feelings.

 

Jamie had a better perspective. Bobby, he knew, didn’t even know why he disliked Jamie. More likely he just enjoyed being mean. A psychologist could tie all kinds of motivations to it – acting out frustrations, poor role modeling, a desire to dominate those he couldn’t be superior to in other ways – and maybe one or all of those was accurate, but Jamie knew probably simpler: sensory stimulation. It just felt good to Bobby to be mean. Jamie could walk away, so he did.

 

He walked over to a dome-shaped piece of playground equipment made of steel bars in a honeycomb structure. No one else was playing on it. At the top, it was probably only fifteen feet from the group, within reach of the average big if they stood under it. More out of boredom, Jamie stepped through one of the opening and started to climb up the inside of it. That’s what he needed, just the physical outlet. It wasn’t easy or hard, and he reached the top in less than a minute, hanging there by his knees and hands.

 

This group could be a lot livelier, Jamie thought. He’d been hoping that it would be more like the park and he could at least get in a good game, but the littles sat in their sandboxes or climbed on the swing set or toddled after each other. Maybe I should bring a set of workout clothes tomorrow and just do laps, he thought. Jamie had been fit before he left, but he never really enjoyed working out. Now, starting with the gifts Cheryl had sent, he was working out more than before, mostly because it gave him something to do. There were too many hours in the day for him, considering nothing much happened. He didn’t have deadlines or even any responsibilities. At least he had Amanda and Becky to keep him company, though.

 

Jamie had been getting pretty good with the finger board. He wondered how he’d do on this. He worked his legs out and hung by his hands, looking at the mat fifteen feet below. You’re lighter here, he reminded himself, and the mat is there. The bars were thicker than the finger board openings, a little harder to hold, but he lets his hands go loose until he was just hanging from the bar with the first two joints of his fingers. He let his pinky go, and then his ring finger, and that was all he could hold. He tried to pull himself up to get his hands around the bar again, he his hands we’re too sweaty and arms too tired.

 

He fell faster than he could say “oh shit!” but had the presence of mind to let himself fall and not try to stay standing. He landed on his feet and let himself fall. He took a moment to let himself be; nothing hurt but his pride. As he pushed himself up, though, he was being pulled off the ground from behind.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine, really.” He was resting on her shoulder so quick he wasn’t sure who had him. She was bouncing him gently and inspecting his legs and hips and back and head.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Shhh. You’re okay. Shhh,” she soothed him.

 

Who is she shushing? “Excuse me, I’m fine.”

 

“Yes you are. Shhh.” She kept patting his back. “Let’s go back to April.” She cooed for twenty meters.

 

One of these again. “I stole the Lindbergh baby.”

 

“I know. That must have been very scary.”

 

“I know where the WMDs are.”

 

“Shhh.”

 

“I’m the reason why everything that tastes good is fattening.”

 

“April will make it all better.”

 

Jamie just sighed. “Your hair smells like peaches and almonds. And your skin is very soft.” Meh; there are worse places to be.

 

 

“April, I believe this little guy belongs to you.”

 

“Is everything alright?”

 

“I’m doing fine.”

 

“Someone had a little fall.” She said as though I don’t exist.

April frowned and moved to where she could see Jamie. “Everything alright?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Here.” April held out her arms, and Jean passed him over. April set him on his feet.

 

“Then go play.” She sent him on his way, but he stayed within hearing distance.

 

Jean was a sweet girl, but this was her first job, and sometimes talking to her reminded April of talking to a little. She wanted to ask which part we use to listen with, our mouth or our ears, but she had sympathy for anyone’s whose heart is in the right place. “He’s not regressed, remember?” As in Diane had two separate staff meetings about him?

 

“I know.”

 

“Good. Next time, if he’s not crying, bleeding or unconscious, please be sure to ask him if he’s okay before picking him up.”

 

“Oh. Sorry. I guess I forgot.” Jamie was starting to appreciate April. He went back to the dome to try again.

 

“That’s okay. Just remember he can use words just like you can.” April wondered how Jean got a job as a little care worker. These were coveted positions.

 

“Okay. Again, sorry. I’ll remember.” April smiled at her and reminded herself she was young.

 

“Let’s round them up for lunch.” April rang a bell next to the door, and the littles started running inside, some lingering longer than others. Jamie climbed down from the dome this time and walked in.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

A nap followed lunch, and Jamie found his mat to not be nearly so comfortable as his crib, but the little food they served was enough to take the edge off. He felt odd sleeping out in the open, not that he wasn’t in his crib but that he was on the floor with a bunch of other people around him.

 

When he woke up it was still quiet in the room. He didn’t want to waste a minute of being conscious without the chaos and sat up yawning and rubbing his eyes. He’d hoped to avoid it, but couldn’t, so he gave in and wet himself. April noticed him awake and came over to him, getting down near the floor.

 

“Hey. Can’t sleep, huh,” she whispered.

 

“Guess not.”

“Wanna get up?” Jamie nodded. “Mind if I pick you up?”

 

“No, that’s alright.” She picked him up, felt the warmth of his butt on her arm, and started carrying him toward what he thought was the bathroom. He didn’t want to do this, but he also knew there wasn’t anything he could say to stop it. No way would she not change him now that she felt he was wet. He knew this would happen and most likely today, but still. He had only been changed in public the once, and now it was going to happen with a stranger. At least she wasn’t doing it in the classroom.

 

It wasn’t a bathroom, or rather was a bathroom but that was a second rom behind the door. The main area held three changing tables. The germaphobe in Jamie figured there was no way this could be clean. He was set down on one of the tables and laid back. There was no point in not making it go fast, hopefully fast enough that it stayed just the two of them. April silently buckled a strap across his chest, which he figured she’d always do give the liability, and put on a pair of disposable gloves. Jamie lifted his hips and made it easier for her.

 

“I saw you reading to Jenny. She likes you.”

 

“She’s sweet. We had fun.”

 

“That makes you a rarity. Only a couple of the other littles read, and not fluently.”

 

“I can’t imagine that. That’s got to be boring.”

 

“Maybe, but they always manage to find something to do. Did you have fun outside?”

 

Jamie scoffed. “Some. It’s too bad none of the other littles are … athletic. Hard to play with them. Like playing with, well, a toddler.”

 

“You just got to learn to do it on their terms. What do you like to play?”

 

“I don’t know. At the park we play tag.”

 

“What do you like about it?”

 

“It’s … well, it’s not a challenge to win, but it’s still effort. Feel like I’m doing something.”

 

“Maybe there’s a version of that we could play here. Sorry about Jean. She just forgot is all.”

 

“I know; thanks for sticking up for me.” Jamie considered what she’d said. “You can, pick me up, when you think you may need to, or even, if you just want to.”

 

April let out a laugh. “You getting a crush on me already?”

 

“No! I mean, I don’t mind, at least when the person doing it doesn’t pretend I don’t exist. She didn’t hear a word I said.”

 

“If it makes you feel better, it’s not just you. She’s new at this; she still hasn’t figured out littles aren’t made of porcelain.”

 

Jamie’s shorts were being buttoned back up. He was released from the strap and placed on his feet. April went into the bathroom and washed her hands.

 

“You may want to go hang out with Denise for a bit.”

 

“Why?” As he said it, the door opened and in came Carrie with a ripe, crying little. He looked out the door and saw maybe a third of the kids who were awake were crying. “Got it.” Good idea.

 

“You can go ahead.”

 

Jamie went back through the classroom, stepping over littles and surprising himself by being jealous of the few in a crib. At least they had their own space. As he neared the door, Jordan stepped in front of him.

 

“Jamie, right? Can I help you with something?”

 

“April said I could go hang out with Denise.”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry, go ahead.” She opened the door for him.

 

From behind him, Jamie heard, “Why does he get to…” The door closed behind him, and Jamie answered the question in his head. Because I still have my mind intact to not be subjected to the sensory assault of 20 groggy littles.

 

“Hi, Denise.” She looked up from her computer.

 

“Hi, Jamie. What’s up?”

 

“Nothing. April just thought I’d prefer to be out here while they get everyone up.”

 

“Aha. That’s why like this side of the door. You can sit here.” She pulled a rolling stool out from under the desk and held it steady while he climbed on to it. Jamie didn’t like it. Either he sat in the middle like on a lazy susan or sat on the edge like the thing was going to fly out from under him. But it was that or stand or the floor.

 

“So, how’s your first day?”

 

“Uh …” Jamie exhaled. “What am I supposed to every weekday like this? I mean …” He was frustrated.

 

“It’s okay. Say what you feel. I won’t tell anyone. Diane can’t hear through the door.”

 

“I feel like my brain is gonna run out my ears. I had run reading to some of the littles, but if I want to have a conversation I’m going to have to have it with the bigs. And that jerk Bobby tried to pick a fight with me.”

 

“What did you do, when he tried that.”

 

“Walked away. Not like I have anything to prove to him.”

 

“I don’t know what makes him like that.”

 

“He probably just likes it.”

 

“Like, the attention? Getting in trouble all the time?”

 

“No. Being mean. It feels good sometimes, doesn’t it? Makes you feel powerful. And he doesn’t have the mental capacity to stop himself. Littles that … young, I guess is the word, don’t have much impulse control and have a hard time connecting an action to a consequence unless it happens right away.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“I used to work with kids. Human kids.”

 

“Any suggestion on how to fix it?”

 

Jamie shrugged. “Replace the good feeling. He does it because it feels good, so find something else that feels good.” Basic applied behavioral analysis, something Jamie knew a little about and was in awe of the people who had the patience and skill to actually manage. Not that it didn’t have its detractors, but it was hard to argue with results.

 

“Makes sense. You meet Billy yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“He’s the same.”

 

“Are they real brothers?”

 

“You mean human brothers? Don’t know. Does it make a difference?”

 

“No, I’m just curious.” If they’re not, it was either a coincidence they ended up together, or a deliberate choice, or the bigs they lived with somehow made them that way.

 

“What are you going to do about the other thing?”

 

“The being bored and having no one to talk to?”

 

“Any of the bigs will talk to you.”

 

“They’re at work. I don’t want to take up their time.”

 

“You’re their work, too, right?” Denise smiled at him. She wanted him to feel worth their attention.

 

Jamie blushed. He didn’t like to think of himself that way. “I mean, they got things they should focus on instead of me. They got their hands full.”

 

“That’s their job, balancing their time and attention. You don’t have to do it for them. Just … do what you need to.”

 

Jamie wanted to change the subject. “April is nice.”

 

“Diane assigned her to you on purpose. She’s a little less enamored with littles.”

 

“You say that like it’s a good thing. Why would Diane assign someone who doesn’t like littles.”

 

“She loves littles, just not as … intensely, as others. She’s better at connecting with them as …” She didn’t want to say ‘people’ or ‘equals;’ those weren’t the right words. “As individuals.”

 

“Unlike Jean?”

 

“Jean is just out of secondary school. She’s taking a year to figure out what she wants to do, and she’s Diane’s niece, otherwise no way would someone without a graduate degree get the job.”

 

“You need a graduate degree to work here?”

 

“At any little care. These are competitive jobs.”

 

“They’ve to be making almost nothing, though, right?”

 

“They make almost as much as teachers.”

 

“Mom mentioned that. I don’t get that. Why do teachers get paid so much?”

 

“Because everything else is based on that. If you don’t have good teachers, how can you anything else work like it should? Who wants a doctor who had a bad teacher?”

 

“This place is like Scandinavia on steroids.”

 

Denise didn’t get the reference, of course. “Anyway, my point is Jean is young. She’ll learn.”

 

Jamie signed and slumped. “Tomorrow is an even longer day.”

 

“Well, you can always help me.”

 

“Answer the phone. Yeah, but I also do the accounting and the paperwork. How are you with spreadsheets?”

 

Jamie looked at her closely. She was almost as good at being the straight man as he was. “Good joke.” He chuckled.

 

“But seriously, you’re always welcome out here. You can even keep some things in my desk. And I’ll bring you a book or something if you’d like.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Well, anyway, it’s almost time for Amanda to pick you up.”

 

“It is? Oh! Thank goodness.”

­______________________________________________________________________________

 

Amanda arrived not long after and was surprised to see him sitting at the desk. Jamie felt his heart flutter when he saw her. Deliverance! Jamie wanted to get down and jump on her, but the felt the stool would fly out from under him if he tried it.

 

“Hey, buddy!” She wrapped him up and gave him wet kiss. “Mmmmwhuh! What are you doing out here?”

 

“Keeping me company. It gets boring out here with no one to talk to,” Denise answered. Amanda smiled at the two of them. As painful as leaving him that morning was, picking up felt nearly as good.

 

“Do you need anything from inside?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“I’ll let April know picked him up,” Denise volunteered.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Thanks, Denise. It was nice talking with you.”

 

“You, too. See you tomorrow.”

 

Jamie’s mood instantly improved. What a difference a friend makes! Amanda was just as happy to see him.

 

“Your friend’s been waiting for you all day, too, buddy.” He was about to ask what friend when they got to the car and he saw his bear strapped into his car seat.

 

Jamie let out a big breath. “Thank you. I missed you.” Amanda liked what he said but not how he said it.

 

She got him strapped in and pulled out of the parking lot. Jamie could see everyone back out on the playground. He wasn’t the least sorry he wasn’t with them.

 

Amanda wanted to hear everything but didn’t want to push it. Finding him hanging out with the receptionist and hearing the tone of his voice were dismaying. It was obvious it hadn’t been the best day.

 

“Want to go home, or we can go anywhere else you want,” she said into the rearview.

 

“Like where?”

 

“Well, I was going to meet Mel later to go get some school stuff. I can call and see if she’s free now.” Jamie liked that idea. He hadn’t seen Mel since their lunch together, but he liked her, and he did sort of have a crush on her. He couldn’t help it.

 

“Okay!” He didn’t mean to sound so excited. The day was definitely getting better. Amanda called and arranged to meet Mel.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“A store called Bullseye.”

 

That sounded odd. “What do they sell?”

 

“A little of everything. Maybe we’ll even find something for you. Good thing we’re going now, too. Probably be a zoo when school gets out.”

 

They pulled into what looked to Jamie like a big box store. Jamie held Amanda’s hand across the parking lot, and they waited in the little café near the entrance for Mel. “Do you want anything?”

 

“Some water?” Amanda returned with water in a baby bottle.

 

“Sorry,” she said, looking embarrassed on his behalf. “They’re out of little cups and have a store policy about littles and regular cups. I’ll start keeping a bag for you in my car.”

 

“It’s okay. No one will care.”

 

“You’ve got to be one of the most easy-going people I’ve ever met.”

 

“Accept the things we cannot change, right?”

 

“Is that a saying where you’re from?”

 

“Part of a prayer, actually.”

 

“Mind riding in the cart? We’re going to need it.”

 

“No. Kinda prefer it today.” They walked over to get a cart and were met by Mel coming through the door.

 

“Hey,” she said coming in.

 

“Thanks for being able to meet us so soon.”

 

“No problem. I was leaving my last class when you called. How’ve you been, Jamie? Staying out of trouble?”

 

“Doing my best. It’s nice to see you again.” Jamie blushed. He didn’t know her. He just thought she was pretty, and she had been kind to him, talking to him like a grown up. They made their way to the school supply section. It had been picked over pretty well.

 

“I always think I’m going to be able to finally take my notes on my computer and never can,” Mel said while trying to find a notebook that wasn’t way too small or way too big.

 

“You remember better this way anyway.”

 

“Any good classes this year?”

 

“That psych course, remember.”

 

“Oh yeah! That’ll be interesting for you.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“I’m trying to murder my last gen ed credits this semester. Saved up all the worst for last.”

 

“Any of it hard?”

 

“Only in the sense that it’s so boring to me I don’t want to actually study it, but I’ll get over that.”

 

“Need anything, Jamie?”

 

“Um, now that you mention it, I could you use some more colored pencils.” In the cart they went.

 

Figuring they may as well since they were there, they went down each aisle picking up any run of the mill household things they needed, followed by a run down the grocery aisles.

 

Amanda pulled some little food items off the shelf. “Want a cookie?”

 

“Always,” Jamie brightened. He didn’t know what they put in this stuff, but he’d be fine if they just sold it raw. Jamie was hooked. “Will you share on with me?”

 

“Sure.” Amanda opened the package and broke a cookie in half. Jamie’s disappeared almost as soon as it was in his hand. Amanda took a bite and looked like she’d bit into a rotten onion. She forced herself to swallow, her body wiggling as she did.

 

“How can you not like a cookie – especially that cookie,” Jamie asked. Amanda responded by taking his bottle and sucking a mouthful from it, wanting badly to spit it out on the floor, but she swallowed that too.

 

“Sorry,” she said. “You like those?”

 

“Yeah! More for me, I guess.”

 

“Exclusively for you, definitely. I guess little food is for littles.”

 

Jamie got a sly grin on his face. “Should we offer one to Mel?” Amanda laughed.

 

“No, I like her and want to keep her around.” Mel came back from the wherever she had gone with her own cart filled with a few more items.

 

“Want to go see if they have any cute clothes?”

 

“Sure. You don’t mind, do you, Jamie?”

 

“No. Not at all.” They cross the store to the clothing section. Big box clothing, but then, college students on a budget. As they browsed, Jamie started to get uncomfortable. It was past that time of day.

 

“Do you like this,” Mel asked, holding up a light but vivid blue blouse.

 

“Yeah. I like that color on you.”

 

“Jamie, what do you think?” She held it against herself for him to see.

 

“Very pretty. Almost matches your eyes.”

 

“See, who wants a regressed little when they can be friends with guys like this,” Mel said. She collected a few things and went into a dressing room. Amanda kept browsing, and Jamie kept squirming. You can only squirm so much in the seat of a cart. Discomfort was turning into an emergency. Amanda noticed.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Jamie couldn’t have blushed any harder. He hadn’t considered this when he woke up from nap and decided to wait, or when he said he wanted to go out instead of home.

 

“I …” He exhaled audibly through his nose. He couldn’t say it. Amanda put two and two together. She leaned in so only he could hear her.

 

“Even if we left right now we wouldn’t be home for 20 minutes. Can you … just, go?”

 

“Can I use the men’s room? Or the ladies’ room?”

 

“There’s no such thing as a little-sized public toilet.” Jamie groaned, mostly but not only in disappointment. He hadn’t felt such an urge to go in a while; perhaps it was the daycare-quality lunch he’d had. “Why don’t you go now, before Mel’s done? We’ll go straight to get you cleaned up.”

 

Jamie’s shoulder quaked a little in embarrassment and hurt. In months, this just hadn’t come up outside their home. “Okay,” he said in one of his sad voices. All around not a great day.

 

Amanda steered them toward the dressing room and knocked gently. “Mel? Jamie and I will be right back. We’ll come find you.”

 

“Okay,” Mel said in response.

 

Amanda headed toward the family restroom at the front of the store. She couldn’t exactly give Jamie privacy, but she could not talk or look at him. Halfway there Amanda exclaimed, “Oh shoot!” She turned around. Jamie was slumped against the rail with is forehead in his hand. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I don’t have your bag with me. Stupid of me,” she cursed under her breath.

 

“It’s okay,” Jamie said with a long sniffle.

 

“Oh, you sweet baby boy. No need for that. We’ll just what we need here.” She took him to the little aisle and got a package of the same diapers he wore at home for daytime and a package of wipes. Jamie squirmed and slumped again.

 

“Are you feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Jamie answered in a miserable voice. He kept his eyes on Amanda’s shoes as they walked back to the restroom.

 

“It’s really okay, baby. We’ll get you cleaned up in no time.”

 

“I know; it’s just … here.” Big-box stores are even bigger when giants shop there. The restroom was far away by Jamie’s standard.

 

“Look up for me, baby.” Jamie did. “No one is even looking, see? No one cares.” No one was looking at them as they walked past; they were doing their own thing.

 

“Do you have your pacifier with you?” Jamie had forgotten about it. He pulled it from his pocket. “Put it in. Trust me.” Reluctantly, Jamie did. “Even better, right? Camouflage. No one is judging you anyway, and with that in, you look just like any regressed little. No one will think anything of it at all.” Jamie did see and put his head back down anyway.

 

The family restroom was actually several private stalls with floor to ceiling doors, fans, and self-cleaning changing tables. It was private and clean, and so was Jamie in a few minutes. Amanda threw the diaper into a chute that led to the incinerator and washed her hands in the sink in the room. She helped Jamie sit and lifted him on to her hip. He wrapped his arms around her and put his head on her breast. She wasn’t surprised, exactly, but she hadn’t expected him to so upset. He’d been changed at the park; he’d been changed at daycare. This was more private and it was Amanda doing it and no one in the store even batted an eye. Clearly it wasn’t just embarrassment or even humiliation. It was, Amanda searched for the term, a loss of status in Jamie’s own eyes?

 

Amanda shifted Jamie so she could hold him with both arms and gently rocked him, patting his bottom and cooing to him just above a whisper. Her phone beeped; she ignored it. He just needed a minute. He picked his head up and blushed, now embarrassed at suddenly crying. Jamie took his pacifier out of his mouth, and said, “Sorry.”

 

Amanda brushed a tear from his cheek and swept his hair back in one motion. “Don’t ever say that to me because you need to cry. Ever.” She kissed his flushed forehead and moved him back to her hip. She took a paper towel from the dispenser and held it up to his nose. “Blow.” Jamie did and felt much better. She took another one, wetted it, and cleaned his face. “There. Handsome like you always are.”

 

They went back into the store and put Jamie back in the cart. He put his pacifier back in, which Amanda didn’t remark on, and she checked her phone. A text from Mel: “Found your cart. Take your time.”

 

Amanda texted back: “DON’T say anything about it.”

 

Mel responded: “Still in the clothes.” Why would she say anything about it? They went and found her.

 

“Did you like anything you tried on,” Amanda asked as they approached.

 

“I’m keeping the blouse. The rest was meh. Do you need anything?”

 

“No, don’t think so.”

 

“Want to take a look at the little’s department?”

 

“What do you think, Jamie?” Feeling emotionally exhausted, Jamie just shrugged. You can judge how much a society really cares about something by the amount of retail floor space it gets. The little’s department was big. The women poked around while Jamie daydreamed.

 

“You sure there’s not anything you want,” Amanda asked. Jamie looked around.

 

“What about there,” he said pointing to some active wear. “My regular clothes get pretty uncomfortable when I’ve been running around.”

 

“See,” Mel said, “We’ll turn you into a first class shopper.” A few pairs of gym shorts, some quick-dry t-shirts, a pair of running pants, and some ankle socks.

 

“That’s kind of a lot,” Jamie said.

 

“Don’t worry. Mom will pay me back. Is that everything?”

 

“Woah!” Mel interjected. “How can you do your brother like that?”

 

Amanda laughed but felt self-conscious. “What?”

 

 

“We’re not even gonna walk through the toy section?”

 

Amanda joined in with an exaggerated response, smacking her forehead. “You’re right! I am being such a space cadet today! Thank goodness we brought you along, right Jamie?”

 

Jamie chuckled and took the pacifier back out of his mouth. “Very lucky.”

 

They browsed the toy aisle slowly. “Anything look fun?” Nothing much did, and then Jamie spotted the electronics section.

 

“Do they sell stuff for littles over there?”

 

“Sure,” Amanda said, wheeling the cart over. “Did you have something in mind?”

 

“Well …” Jamie was still getting comfortable asking for things. Old habits die hard. “It’s kinda of really loud at daycare some times.”

 

“Ah,” Amanda said, “Got it. Let’s get you hooked up.” She headed toward a display of headphones. “What kind do you like? Over the ear? On the ear? In the ear?”

 

“In, if they’re soft.” Amanda read a few packages. She felt like spoiling him more than usual.

 

“Excuse me,” she said to the clerk. He walked over. “Can we take a look at some in the case?”

 

“Oh,” the young man said, “We got a connoisseur on our hands?”

 

Jamie looked him over. Looks like a hipster and smells like weed, Jamie thought. I could get along with this guy. Jamie was neither of those (though he was starting to question how much he enjoyed little food), but he always had a penchant for the outsider, even if the outsider affectations of a hipster.

 

“Can we see those?” Amanda pointed to a pair. Wireless, silicone ear pieces, sweat proof and won’t fall out when being active. “What do you think?” She handed Jamie the box.

 

“They seem perfect, but, are you sure?”

 

“If it will help you enjoy daycare, Mom won’t mind at all.”

 

Mel chimed in. “Think your mom would mind if I said they’d help my enjoy daycare? Those are nicer than mine by like a way lot.”

 

The midafternoon toker  chimed in. “You gonna need something to play on ‘em?”

 

“Uh, yes, I guess we are. What do you have?”

 

They walked to another case. “We carry Pear products and SumSing and some off-brand stuff.”

 

“In for a penny, right? Is that the latest uPod?”

 

“Dude,”  he said to Jamie, “You’ve got her wrapped around your finger.”

 

“Oh,” Amanda said, ruffling his hair, “He knows. You can share my uTunes account; it’s a monthly subscription, so as much as you can download.”

 

“Thank you, really.”

 

“Don’t mention it. Seriously, to Mom. I’ll break the news to her later.” Mel couldn’t stop herself from cracking up.

 

“And with that, I think we’re done.”

 

The man had to walk them to the front because what they had came out of the case. Amanda and Mel couldn’t see him checking out Amanda’s butt, but Jamie sure could. “Hey!” Jamie barked, glaring at him. “You don’t check out someone’s sister right in from of him!” Basic dude etiquette.

 

“I … Uh … heh …” he sputtered. Amanda stopped and looked at him, her ears red. Mel’s chest was heaving and despite her efforts to hold them in, guffaws were escaping as grunts and uncontrollable shaking. “I think … uh, you can take these, yourself. Sorry.” He handed over the headphones and player, and walked away as quickly as he could. Mel had no reason to hold it back anymore, and Amanda neither. Jamie found it funny, too, but he wasn’t joking when he said it.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean … I know you don’t need me to … he just crossed the Dude Line.”

 

“The Dude Line?”

 

“The Dude Line.”

 

Amanda looked at Mel. She had an older and younger brother. “It’s a thing.”

 

Amanda turned back to Jamie. “Thanks anyway. You’re a good brother, Jamie.”

 

Amanda was right and now that school was out the place was getting full. They picked a lane. Mel went first and waited for them.

 

Amanda handed the checker the headphones and player. She said, “Jason is supposed to bring these up to me himself.”

 

“Oh, he did,” Amanda answered, “He got most of the way here, and then he had to go be somewhere else.”

 

“Huh.” The checker winked at Jamie. “Someone must have behaved real well to get presents like these.” The checker rang everything up and got to the wipes and open bag of diapers. “And I see someone must’ve got caught unprepared, huh, fella?”

 

Jamie frowned, but Amanda saw red. “Excuse me,” she said, probably louder than she meant to, “Did you use the toilet during your last break?” The woman stopped cold. “Oh, sorry to offend. I just thought I’d ask since we’re not respecting people’s privacy.”

 

The checker turned a different shade of red than Amanda and finished her job. Mel looked a little stunned herself.

 

When they got out of the store, Jamie said, “I don’t think you needed to do that.”

 

Amana put her hand on top of his on the rail of the cart. “Probably not, but I did anyway.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Any time.”

 

Mel smiled at them. “You two are really something, the way you take care of each other.”

 

“Well, you do that for the people you love, right Jamie?”

 

“Right. We should do this more, the three of us.” Did I just ask Mel out, Jamie wondered.

 

“That’d be fun.”

 

Amanda got Jamie and their purchases loaded into the car. Mel helped and waited until Jamie’s door was closed before saying, “Alright. I know we make fun of Donna for being little crazy. But he is just … ugh, the tenderest, funniest, sweetest, most adorable little guy. And oh my god! The purple pacifier really seals it. Just … ugh. I finally get what people mean when they say they want to gobble a little right up.”

 

Amanda listened and felt proud. “Anyway, thanks for inviting me along.”

 

“I’m glad you could come. I think Jamie really likes you. You can little-sit anytime.”

 

“I’d like that. See you on campus tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll text you.”

 

“Cool. Bye.” Mel walked to her own car, and Amanda got into hers.

 

“What was that about?”

 

“Nothing, just school stuff.”

 

“Ready to head home.”

 

“Definitely.”

 

An up and down day for both of them. For Jamie, it had been the most eventful day of his months here. Amanda reprimanding that woman was surprising. She hadn’t needed to be so aggressive, or really say anything at all. He’d been thinking it over, and this seemed more or less like a final barrier surpassed. In the end, it hadn’t been the catastrophe he’d made it out to be in his head. She’d made it much easier. Still, some things are easier to say when you’re not looking at a person, so this seemed the perfect time.

 

“Manda? About that thing we talked about a couple days ago?”

 

Amanda didn’t need to think to know what he was talking about. “Yeah?”

 

“Can I still change my mind later?”

 

“Of course. Whatever makes you happy, we’ll make it work.”

 

“Well, uh, I trust you. Let’s … leave things the way they are and do it your way.”

 

“Okay.” That was the perfect response. She didn’t need to belabor it. She did wish, though, that she could tell Mel, if only to see her swoon again, but this between the two of them and would stay that way unless and until Jamie decided otherwise.

 

When they pulled into the driveway, Becky was parking her car in the garage. She lit up to see them pulling in and walked into the driveway.

 

“Hey, you know what would make Mom really happy?” Amanda parked and let Jamie out, and he ran to Becky and jumped so that she had to catch him. She picked wrapped her arms around him just like Amanda had done and kissed him all over his face.

 

“Did you miss me, Jamie. Huh? Tell me all about your day.” She looked like there was nothing that could have made the day better than Jamie leaping into her arms. Becky winked to Amanda and turned to inside.

 

Once they were in the door, Amanda, still in the driveway, said, “By the way, Mom, you owe me $500.” Just rehearsing.

 

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Yeah you'd probably have to put me in at least primary level classes to keep me from losing it, maybe with an internship for gifted/AP type credit....  ?

Also the lack of internet.... I literally would not know what to do with myself..... ?

@Author_Alex

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48 minutes ago, YourFNF said:

Yeah you'd probably have to put me in at least primary level classes to keep me from losing it, maybe with an internship for gifted/AP type credit....  ?

Also the lack of internet.... I literally would not know what to do with myself..... ?

@Author_Alex

Just think of what people did to pass time before the internet. Lawn darts, mumblety peg, five finger filet... 

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9 minutes ago, Author_Alex said:

Just think of what people did to pass time before the internet. Lawn darts, mumblety peg, five finger filet... 

giphy.gif

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6 hours ago, YourFNF said:

giphy.gif

It’s amazing our parents have all their fingers, toes, and eyes.

one of my uncle’s shot my mom with a bow and arrow, but in fairness to him, he didn’t know she was playing in that box.

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23 minutes ago, Author_Alex said:

It’s amazing our parents have all their fingers, toes, and eyes.

one of my uncle’s shot my mom with a bow and arrow, but in fairness to him, he didn’t know she was playing in that box.

giphy.gif

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I had a hard time writing the first part of this. In fact, I had a hard time today period. Some Sundays I just feel melancholy. They remind me of something I can't put my finger on.

 

By the way, surpassed 100,000 words yesterday.

_____________________________________

Chapter 21, Part 5

 

 

Amanda unloaded the car herself and took the various bags to where they belonged, remembering to bring in Jamie’s bear. She tossed Jamie’s new clothes in the washer along with some laundry while Becky alternately fussed over Jamie and dinner. Jamie was just glad to be home. Dinner brought the usual conversation about everyone’s day. Jamie mentioned the good parts, Amanda talked about her classed, and Becky talked about her new students.

 

“I’ll do the dishes, Mom.”

 

“Thanks, hun. I know it’s early, but how about we get you ready for bed, Jamie, starting with a real bath.” Sounded great to Jamie. Once the tub was full, Becky helped him over the side, and he slid under like a hippopotamus. The hot water silenced everything and felt so good Jamie almost imagined he could breathe. When he resurfaced, Becky took a washcloth, folded into in thirds, and pressed it against Jamie’s eyes as he reclined against the rear of the tub.

 

“So how was your day,” she asked.

 

“We just talked about that. It was fine.”

 

“Yeah, but not all of it was fine.”

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“Mom superpower. C’mon, out with it. Ya know things get better when we talk.”

 

Jamie pulled the cloth from his eyes and rewet it without opening his eyes. He let out a mirthless chuckle; would it t’were so simple. “As quiet as it is under the water, is how loud it can be in that room. Too many hard surfaces and littles. Sensory overload.”

 

“That loud?”

 

“Maybe not if you’re used to it. I’m used to it being the three of us. Could feel my blood pressure rising.”

 

“So what did you do?”

 

“I took my book over to the reading area. Turns out only a few of the others can read, so I had it to myself for a bit. Then some Littles came over and asked me to read to them.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“Of course. Couldn’t exactly say no, and besides, we had fun.”

 

“You could have said no if you wanted to.”

 

“I know. Diane said so. I just don’t like to disappoint people.”

 

“What else did you do?”

 

“Went outside. Walked around the field by myself for a bit. No one seems to play games; they just play on the swing set. So little names Bobby tried to pick a fight with me.”

 

“Tried?”

 

“I just walked away.”

 

“I’m gonna have to talk to Diane about that.”

 

“She knows; not the fight part but that he’s a troublemaker. His brother too, apparently. Then I climbed on this thing and fell off and this big picked me up without permission and didn’t listen to a word I said until April told her to.”

 

“Who’s April?”

 

“The big who’s … well, I don’t know the word. Teacher? Team Leader?”

 

“Do you like her?”

 

“She seems nice. After that, just lunch and a nap, and I sat with Denise until Amanda got there.”

 

“Why did you sit with Denise?”

 

Jamie shrugged. “Someone to talk to I guess. And a break from the chaos.”

 

None of this made Becky happy, especially the dispirited way Jamie recounted it. “So, overall, pretty crummy day?”

 

Jamie sighed. “I wouldn’t say that. Just … felt like an extra. I don’t think I belong there.” Jamie knew that would cause Rebecca some hurt, so he quickly followed it up with, “I’m not giving up just yet.”

 

“What would make it better?”

 

“Someone to talk to or something to keep my brain occupied. There’s just not enough to do, not unless I appoint myself an employee and start taking care of the other littles.”

 

“Well, Diane wouldn’t let you do that, and I don’t want you to either.”

 

“Neither do I.”

 

“Have you tried talking to any of the other littles yet.”

 

Jamie sighed and shook his head. “They don’t seem like talker. But I haven’t gotten to know them much, or at all. But still, can you imagine talking to toddlers that many hours a day, day after day?”

 

Becky got down on the floor next to the tub and took the washcloth off Jamie’s eyes. She soaped it up and began cleaning him. I’m sorry, Jamie. I guess I didn’t put as much thought into this as I thought I had. Can you give it a week, and then we’ll see if there’s something to be done?”

 

“Guess I have to. It’s just day one. Maybe … I don’t know.”

 

“Would it help if you had some harder books, or maybe school work to do?”

 

Jamie looked a little pained, just because that seemed fruitless. “Some, I guess, but … Ebenezer Scrooge had books.”

 

“Who?”

 

“A character in a book. He stayed alone at school during breaks and read books; he thought he was happy, but what he really needed was a friend.” Jamie was bumming himself out. At the start of the conversation he had been looking at things sort of from an outsider’s perspective. Now he hated Christmas.

 

“I don’t mean it like that.” Kinda do though, he thought. “Let’s just see what happens next, and tonight just let it go.”

 

“I think we can do that tonight.”

 

The rest of the evening they spent in the living room together playing a board game. When Becky went into the kitchen to make Jamie’s evening bottle, Jamie told Amanda, “Don’t worry about the headphone thing. I buttered her up for you.”

 

“How’d you do that?”

 

“Told her when it wasn’t nerve shatteringly loud there, it was brain deadeningly boring.”

 

“Did you just say that, or …”

 

“No, I didn’t say that only. I told her the only littles there are too little or too oppositional.”

 

“Sorry. I figured something was wrong when you were sitting in the reception area. Anything to make it better?”

 

“Send my bear to daycare and I’ll come to class with you?”

 

“Ya know, we can think about that sometimes, but we can’t do that every day.”

 

“I know. Just being grumpy.” Becky came back into the room. “Now ladies,” Jamie said, “I don’t want the two of you fighting over who gets to snuggle with me before bed. Plenty to go around.”

 

They ended up with him between them on the couch until he was asleep.

 

Amanda did come into his room after he was put to bed and watched him. This problem wasn’t so easily fixable. She went to talk to her mother, getting more upset with each step.

 

“What do we do?”

 

“Huh?” Becky looked up from the book she was reading on her bed.

 

“What do we do about this?”

 

“Stop pacing, for one. Come sit down.” Becky patted the bedspread next to her, and Amanda sat down next to her. Becky put an arm around her, and Amanda put her head on her mom’s shoulder. What an awful feeling, not being able to fix something for her brother. Becky stroked her hair.

 

“You used to scream at daycare, did you know that? Everyone said it was a phase at first, but a month later you still did it. I think you may have been the first infant that daycare owner ever hated.” Amanda waited for the next part of the story.

 

“And?”

 

“And you grew out of it.”

 

“He’s not growing. How can he grow out of it?”

 

“I don’t think he will. I think we’ll have to find some way to make the best of it and figure out something to do with him at least a couple days a week.”

 

“Well, there’s got to be something.”

 

“It wasn’t easy getting a daycare to take him. No one wants an unregressed little. Too much trouble, or so they think.”

 

Amanda bristled. “Itali isn’t so different after all.”

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“Everyone wants a designer little. All the same.”

 

“I don’t think we’re that bad.”

 

“Well …”

 

“’Well’ what?”

 

“Fuck that shit.”

 

Becky laughed and patted her shoulder. “There’s my good girl. I wish there was something we could at least do for him tomorrow.”

 

“I bought him some headphones and a music player.”

 

“I hope they’re good ones; sounds like he needs them. He’ll probably just feel better if he can shut out the racket.” Well, at least that was easy.

 

“I want to fix it. Right now.”

 

“Aww, baby. I know you do. We’ll figure it out together. The three of us.” Becky rubbed her shoulder, and Amanda laid there. They both missed this, though they hadn’t though much of it. Welcome to loving someone, Becky thought, where you can’t fix everything, and it fucking sucks.

 

“Mom? You know he starts telling more jokes when he doesn’t want us to be upset?”

 

“I know.” Wish it worked, they both thought.

 

­­­­______________________________________________________________________________

 

The next morning found Jamie at an activity table with a tub of small blocks, isolated from the room by the best headphones he’d ever heard, let alone owned. It felt good to listen to music from home again. He’d downloaded a little bit of everything. Just at that moment, he was listening to Bach’s Cello Suites. He put his pacifier in for good measure, hoping to blend. April sat down across from him, and he took out one of his headphones and his pacifier. Her, he actually wanted to talk to.

 

“What are you building?”

 

“Notre Dame de Paris, as best I can remember it.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“A cathedral. Um, an important church.”

 

“What’s it like?”

 

“I’ve never seen it, actually. Just pictures.”

 

“How’s it coming?”

 

“If I squint it looks sort of like a gothic cathedral. Other than that, like a pile of loosely stacked balsa wood.” He sat back. “At this rate I’m going to end up being very good at a lot of hobbies.”

 

This wasn’t the light and happy conversation April was hoping for. “Listening to anything good?” She held the earpiece up to her ear. “Wow. Most music we get in here involves ears hanging low or wheels going ‘round.”

 

“The cello always calms me down.” Yeah, April thought, you look real on edge. NOT! Sudden angry crying caught her attention.

 

“Fair point,” she said taking a deep breath. “I gotta go deal with that.” She handed back the ear piece.

 

“Thanks for stopping by.” Once again he was sealed off, with both ear phones in and his pacifier in his mouth. Completely soundless except for his music and his breathing, like someone hit mute on the room. Yo-yo Ma was the best cellist in nay dimension. The problem with the blocks, other than then weren’t nearly as ornate as the actual cathedral, or anything like it, was they were too light. Getting the flying buttresses to stand required dropping the keystone in place perfectly. The wall was supposed to be pushed out by the weight of the ceiling, and it was supposed to be pushed back in by the buttresses. Without weight to push back against it, the block just balanced there held in place by downward gravity. There was no weight to counter, so no counterforce from the buttress, so nothing for the keystone to do but pretend it served a purpose.

 

“Maybe they make stone blocks,” he said, barely audible even to himself. Maybe there was something else he could build instead. That thought was half-expressed when hand knocked it all over. Jamie took a deep breath to gather his patience before even looking up. He knew who was there. Jamie was against any form of corporal punishment, but in his less-than-charitable mood thought of Bobby over someone’s knee was satisfying. Jamie didn’t like his mood or that thought or Bobby. He put his pacifier back in his pocket and stood up. Bobby stood there grinning, and when Jamie didn’t react he swept the blocks clear off the table.

 

No reason to even bother (it was a lousy cathedral anyway), he walked past him and went to his cubby, where he retrieved his sunglasses and headed for the door. He was reaching for the knob when big hand got to it first.

 

“Where do you think you’re going,” Jean said. Not harshly. Just the opposite. As if to a newly mobile infant who was crawling where she didn’t belong. He didn’t hear that, but he could read her lips well enough, and her smile belied that insipid tone. He took out his earpiece again.

 

“Outside.”

 

She put her hands on her knees and bent down to his level. “Sorry, Jamie, but you can’t go outside alone.” That’s it, Jamie thought, a little lower so I can reach your face. He could picture the headline: Firemen Wrest Bloody Ear from Little’s Victorious Fist. At least the noise from the littles wasn’t directed specifically at him, unlike her mouth hole.

 

He swallowed the aluminum taste of bile, and spit through is teeth, “Well, Jean …” Little Wins Prize Ear Back; Firehouse Plunged Into Mourning.

 

“Hey! What’s going on,” April exclaimed in an excited and happy voice. It was directed at Jean, not Jamie.

 

“Oh, no big deal. Jamie wanted go outside but …”

 

“What a great idea! Let’s do that.” April hip checked Jean out of the way and opened the door, smiling at Jamie and nodding at him to walk under her arm and outside. She shut the door behind her.

 

Jean protested, “He can’t be outside alone!”

 

And April cut her off, “And he won’t be, but you gotta pick your battles and learn to read their body language. Did you see that, like, at all?”

 

“Well, he looked like maybe he was going to throw a tantrum, but that happens here five times a day.”

 

“Jean, he’s not regressed, remember?”

 

“Yeah,” Jean said impatiently. “So what? It’s the rule and if he throws a tantrum over it, we’ll deal.”

 

“The ‘so what’ is when he throws something at you, he’s not gonna miss.” And you are so worth throwing things at, April left out. “Look at Billy.” Jean rolled her eyes and looked at him. “Throws epic tantrums, right? Look at Jamie.” He was outside taking his shirt off and stretching his calves. The six pack he didn’t have even after the plastic surgery was there now, courtesy of working out almost two hours a day every day.

 

“So?”

 

“So instead of getting in his way, you could have offered to go outside with him. And instead of being obtuse about it, you could realize that he’s struggling with a lot of shit you and I will never understand, and needlessly pushing him over the edge is going to get him in trouble and you hurt.”

 

“He’s still a little.”

 

“And that just makes it harder to grab hold of him.”

 

“Yesterday you said I was coddling him. Today you’re saying I’m being too strict when all I did was follow the rules …”

 

“Yeah. So you’ve been wrong two days in a row. Make it three and it’ll be a streak.”

 

April went to the fridge and got a bottle of water, a regular bottle, and went back to where Jean was still pouting. Apologize later, April reminded herself. “Give me a few minutes, and then let anyone who wants to come out.”

 

Jamie was stretching his hip flexors. April set the water bottle down by his shirt. He looked up at her with would have been a smile if he weren’t in such a foul mood. “Thank you.”

 

“Well, you looked a little murder-y.”

 

Jamie scoffed. “That’s ridiculous. Worst I’d have done is maimed her a little.”

 

“Yeah, well. Remember I’m here for that. You don’t have to carry it alone, whatever it is.”

 

He nodded and stood up, bouncing in place a couple times.

 

“I gotta let every out, but do what you feel.”

 

He sighed and softened his face. “Thanks, really. I’m gonna ..”

 

“Go, don’t let me hold you up.”

 

Jamie took off at a faster clip than he’d be able to sustain, but he wanted to get these feelings out of him. Nirvana, very loud Nirvana, was helping him do that. The cello was for when he was stressed and needed to calm down. Nirvana was for when he was pissed and needed to calm down. He wasn’t even sure why he was. He tried to do a mental inventory, and the best he could come up with was he was away from Amanda and Becky, stuck in place where he didn’t technically need to be, and bored out of his mind. Worst of all, there wasn’t an obvious end to it. The next day and the next until Becky figured something else out or the next extended break from school was.

 

So he ran laps around the field, hugging the perimeter as close as he could, and avoiding eye contact with anyone, not that they’d notice on the other side of his sunglasses. At one point Bobby tried to chase him, and Jamie just shook his head picked up the pace. When he got bored of circles, he retreated to the back of the field behind the small rise and did shuttle runs the width of the field and finally got down on the grass for plyos. The other littles could see him popping over the rise with each burpee.

 

Finally too exhausted to be angry or frustrated or not nauseated, he laid down on the grass. He didn’t need Nirvana anymore, for now. April decided it was time to check on him when she stopped seeing his head pop up. He heard her steps.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Feel better?”

 

“Yeah. Gonna regret that tomorrow, but for now, yes.” She set the bottle of water down next him, which he drained without putting down.

 

“Got a change of clothes for you, too. But maybe … Come with me.” She held out her hand and helped pull him to his feet.” They walked through the fence and around the third building. A sidewalk led from the side of that building around Little Hearth and to the parking lot. Jamie hadn’t noticed the path. They went to the back of the building, where a shower head protruded from the wall. A hose.

 

“We have a tub inside, but I thought maybe you’d be okay with just this?”

 

“Thank you.” She stepped forward toward him and he stepped back.

 

“Sorry, Jamie. Rules are rules. Even with me. Besides, Diane would get a lot more pissed at me than you.”

 

Jamie let it go. No reason to ruin what was a, well, a neutral mood. She helped him out of his clothes and held the hose over him. It was too cold, but it was fine. It stopped the sweat at least. She dried him with the t-shirt she’d brought over; his other was where he’d left it. He laid down and submitted to his diapering, and she pulled his clean shorts up for him.

 

“Ready to go back?”

 

“Yeah.” They walked back toward the group where a few of the littles were doing burpees.

 

“They think you were pretending to be a kangaroo.” Jamie laughed. What else to do but laugh in the face of this absolutely absurd world.

 

“It’s lunch time. Do you wanna eat alone?”

 

“Well …” He didn’t want to be a jerk, but yes, he did. “Yeah.”

 

“Did you see the door next to Diane’s office, in the gym area? Let me get everyone settled, and I’ll be in.”

 

Jamie picked up his shirt and put it back on. His eye caught a little seated against the wall a few meters down wearing a sundress to her calves. She was reading.

 

Jamie went inside and into the room April indicated. It looked like a cry room in a church, with a glider chair and crib. Tired, he laid down on the plush rug, listening to the racket at the other end of the classroom. After not too long, April came in, and Jamie sat up.

 

“Hey. I, uh, don’t mean to be presumptuous, but, well, your mom said this always made you feel better.” She held a bottle. “You can have regular food, if you want.”

 

“That’s …” Jamie looked away, partly out of embarrassment but also thinking of how kind and caring April was being. “The, uh, food yesterday didn’t really agree with me … and, uh, yeah, that sounds good.”

 

April’s hinted toward the glider with her eyes. It was a question, and Jamie nodded yes. She sat down, took a cloth from her back pocket, and lifted Jamie into her lap. He let himself slumps into her arms. She pushed the cloth under his chin, and he closed his eyes. She gently rocked the chair and brought the bottle to Jamie’s lips. He sighed and began to drink.

 

April watched him and wondered what was going on inside him. When regressed littles get ready to throw a tantrum, it’s undirected. They’ll thrash in any direction. The tantrum she helped Jamie avoid would have been a lot uglier. And he’d worked it out himself, literally, by pushing himself to the point of exhaustion. And then he meekly climbed into her arms and accepted a bottle from her, which he was slowly suckling on now as he slept. She had to respect how complex he was, how complicated his inner life must be. She didn’t know much about him but what Diane had told them, and she only knew what Rebecca had told her, which was only what she needed to know. He interested her, and being his champion and caregiver was more rewarding than for the average little.

 

A hand reached around the doorframe and knocked. April held a finger to her lips when Jean peaked around the door. She looked humbled, not that she wasn’t a sweet person but that she was still a kid figuring out that she didn’t know much about the world and that the rules she’d followed all her life only applied so well outside the cocoon of school. The scene in front of her made sense, though. A little taking a bottle, regressed or not, this made sense.

 

She said quietly, “I’m willing to admit I don’t understand him, and you do.”

 

“I don’t, really. I just understand littles, and the first thing to understand is they’re not unlike us. He’s not regressed. We have to treat him differently, even differently than Ella.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

April nodded toward the crib, and Jean sat down against the edge. “I’m sorry, too, Jean. I was out of line. I had no right to say what I said to you.”

 

“Thanks for … thanks for saying so.”

 

“It’s just, he’s my guy. It’s my job to be his champion.”

 

“I get it. I just … I want to learn.”

 

“So let’s learn together. Really. Lesson #1 is his emotions don’t fly everywhere like a regular little’s. He’s going to bottle them up way past the point a regular little would lose it, and when he does it’s gonna be directed at whatever set him off.”

 

“Kinda like a big.”

 

“Exactly. I don’t know what he would have done, but he was ready to go around you however he needed to. I didn’t want either of you to get hurt. Either of you.”

 

“So, how do I help?”

 

“For now, step back and try to observe more. We all have to learn him; he’s way more complex than regressed little. Just … give him space. Same as yesterday – don’t pick him up or coo at him unless he’s really hurt, don’t get in his way unless he’s really in danger. We have to … we have to make the rules work around him. Does that make sense?”

 

“Kind of. But, rules are rules. It’s only fair everyone follows them.”

 

“Well, the good news is you’re legally not a kid anymore. When you’re in charge, fair is whatever you say it is. Lesson #2. People who aren’t good teachers think ‘fair’ means holding everybody to the same standard. Good teachers know ‘fair’ is about holding everyone to the standard they can just barely reach, because that’s how we learn. Them too.”

 

“I think that makes sense.” April stood up and walked toward Jean.

 

“Here. Take him.” Jean took him into her arms and looked at him. He looked like any little on the outside; she was starting to see how he wasn’t.

 

“Let’s put him down and go have our own lunch, huh?” Jean placed him the crib and lifted the rail quietly.

 

“And we can talk to Carrie, too. She’s known Ella a long time.”

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Looking forward to learning more about this Ella! By the looks of it she looks to have been a previous unregressed Little at the Daycare (though I may have accidently skipped something from a previous chapter about her)

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Great chapter.

I wonder if the stress of trying to help Jamie on top of school is going to bring back Amanda's bedwetting. I can't wait to read more. Thanks.

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This is so good... :D

Trying to think what my schedule would look like if I was adopted out to a nice family in Gaule or Itali...

?

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Chapter 22

 

 

Dearest Jamie,

 

I’ve tried to think of all the reasons you haven’t written me in so long, and the reason I want to accept as the truth is every moment brings you so much happiness your hand cannot hold a pen. I want to believe that. We’re so far apart. I want to believe so many things, at least as many as I fear.

 

 

 

I did receive the report from Marsha’s home visit, and what relief it was to see she found you safe and loved and loving in turn. I needed to know that. Becky and Amanda seem to understand you, or at least be coming to it, no easy feat as I know; every day I still think on you. I don’t think you realize the light of soft joy you bring to those you let in. It’s not the ecstatic kind, which never lasts, but deeper hue of fulfillment in having gained the trust of someone worth counting as a friend, and more.

 

 

 

I’ve kept my promise. I take the names from where I keep them and read them. It’s like a prayer, I suppose. I’m not sure who I’m praying for when I read those names. Them; you; me; this whole world and its broken heart. I say your name, too.

 

 

 

Are you using my gifts? Have you given your bear a name yet? A token of my love for you; it doesn’t seem much now, but I hope it gives you some comfort.

 

 

 

I know it is not over, the time of change in your life when you are trying so hard to come to terms with a new world and yourself in it, nor is it likely to end for some time more. I’m loathe to interrupt what progress you’ve made and how I may set it back seeing you or even writing this letter. But much longer without you, and name me for a liar, Jamie, and know me for one, too. So I am keeping my other promise and planning to visit as soon as I can. I know not when yet.

 

 

 

Do you have a soft word for me? Give me leave to hope for that at least.

 

 

 

Your forever friend,

 

Cheryl

 

 

 

Cheryl hesitated before dropping the letter in the outbox. Was it right of her to tell him anything but good things? What right did she have to spoil whatever happiness he managed to carve out right now by making him worry about her? Guilt trip into writing more often? She decided to sleep on it.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Jamie still had an afternoon to get through after his nap. It felt good to wake up in a room with a closed door. Waking up on the floor surrounded reminded him too much of college nights we couldn’t remember. If could do them over, at least now he’d take a nap mat. Yesterday’s attempt at waiting hadn’t gone so well, and today would be an even longer one, so Jamie did his business and waited for someone to come get him. April, he hoped.

 

Not to misunderstand their relation, though. It was transactional, at least so far. A teacher and favorite student or nurse and favorite patient; that both parties take some satisfaction from the relationship doesn’t change what it is. In time maybe, but for now, she had something she was obligated to give him, and he was happy to take his due.

 

April came by not long after, but longer than if he had slept in the classroom. A tradeoff, that. “Let’s get you squared away. It’s pretty outside. Do you want to go back out?” She lifted him out and set him on the floor on a change mat she’d brought with her.

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“You don’t sound so enthusiastic.”

 

“I never was good at taking naps. I’ve always woken up from them feeling groggy and headachy. Never stopped me from taking them anyway; kind of a one-sided relationship.”

 

“What’s the cure?” April made quick work of it, much quicker than Amanda. Speed wasn’t everything.

 

“Getting up anyway.” Jamie stood up with April’s help and checked his pocket for is headphones and his player. He didn’t want to put them back in yet; he needed to wake up first, and sunshine does that best.

 

“I promised Jordan I’d stay in some this afternoon so she could go out. Just holler if you need me.”

 

Jamie walked through the gym area and into the classroom area, getting a few sideways glances. He walked through the door not much caring to even wonder why this time. He seemed to collect sideways glances everywhere. The day had cooled a bit, and Jamie smelled rain. He missed thunderstorms, real ones, where entire hemispheres for night sky light up like a camera flash and showed the world frozen for a moment before the darkness closed back in, and the thunder could rise like old man sky was clearing his throat, slow and building, or else crack hardwood bent until it exploded in splinters. He used to sit on the porch and watch those storms, even when wind drove the rain into him; even when the sky turned green; even after the sirens sounded. Let the rain pelt him and the lighting blind him and thunder snap the sky right above him. It took enough of his senses he felt quiet, as if the earth itself was telling him it wasn’t his turn to speak. And when it finally did stop, after minutes or hours, the air was clean and dry; the world dripped in stunned silence; and the birds came back out with the sun, singing to let each other know they were okay.

 

But it wouldn’t that kind of storm, and it wouldn’t rain for hours yet. Littles were more sedate after their nap, that backwards chemical reaction in which the more tired they got the more wild they get having exhausted itself. They played and ran after one another up the swing set and sat in the sand box or on the dirt drawing pictures in the dust. Bobby and now Billy glared at him when they saw him.

 

“You know eventually he’s just gonna get tired and take a swing at you, right?”

 

Jamie glared back at them and replied, “Jordan, right?”

 

“No, Ella.” Expecting to find a new big, Jamie turned and found that little who had been sitting against the wall reading when he went in. She was leaning against the building again with her legs crossed, letting the sun hit her.

 

“I saw you earlier but not yesterday.”

 

“I had a doctor appointment. Wanna sit with me?”

 

He sat down and put out his hand. “I’m …”

 

“Jamie. I know.”

 

“What? Do I have a reputation already?”

 

“You don’t exactly blend.” She rethought that. “Well, actually you did a little bit this morning.” Jamie wasn’t sure what she meant. “When you were playing with your blocks and had your pacifier in.”

 

He laughed. “I don’t see any other little building cathedrals.”

 

“Is that you were going for? It looked like a castle to me, but now that you say it … still looked too protestant to be a cathedral, thought.”

 

It was a good joke, but Jamie watched her eyes instead of laughing. “You’re not …”

 

“I’m not. Neither are you. I couldn’t tell this morning until you went outside on your own and did your mini-marathon. Carrie confirmed it.”

 

Jamie shook his head in irritated disbelief. “Why wouldn’t Diane say anything? Is this supposed to be some fun surprise?”

 

“She has reasons.” Jamie didn’t have much to say now that he had someone to say it to. It felt so good just to have the option. “What was your deal earlier? You looked ready to pop.”

 

Jamie sighed, embarrassed. The question seemed too personal for someone he’d just met, but keeping to conversation going was more important. “I don’t even know. I just … yesterday was a lot of newness that I didn’t like and this place gets on my nerves. Jean’s demeanor just took it to the next level. Stupid of me.”

 

“You’re not the first person to have a temper tantrum here.”

 

“Calling it that doesn’t make me feel better about it.”

 

“Person having a lot of emotions they don’t understand and don’t know how to deal with and lashing out. I think that’s its name. Happens to bigs, too, even if they don’t call it that.”

 

“Still. How long have you been coming here?”

 

“I guess about three years. Since maybe a year after I got to Itali.”

 

“Do you like it?”

 

“I don’t hate it. You get used to parts of it.”

 

“You don’t get bored? Not having anyone to talk to?”

 

“You can talk to them.”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

“Yeah, but you can talk to them. And the bigs. Jean is still figuring it out, but she’ll get there.”

 

“She give you a hard time, too?”

 

“No. She’s not allowed.”

 

“To give you a hard time?”

 

“To … be in charge of me, I guess. Only Carrie is. The other bigs don’t talk to me without her permission.”

 

“How’s that work? And why?”

 

“I needed that, at first. I couldn’t handle more than one big.” Jamie looked over at her again, wondering what that meant, and why she wouldn’t be able to.

 

“Jean hasn’t been here that long.”

 

“Now it’s just habit. It works, so I don’t mess with it. Plus being answerable to only one person is better than being answerable to four.”

“So they’re not allowed to even talk to you?”

 

“They are. They just don’t unless I talk to them first. Like I said, that was how I needed it to be at first. Now it’s just the way things are, and I’m okay with it.”

 

Fair enough, Jamie thought. “What are you reading?” She held up the book; The Mouse and the Motorcycle. “I remember that,” Jamie smiled.

 

“They carry stuff from home here. Some of it’s imported and some they now make here. I think I read this in fifth grade; I wanted a mouse so bad.”

 

“Should’ve come to my house. We had plenty … I wanted a cat.” Ella laughed at that. “Was your name always Ella?”

 

“No; my full name is Ellafaire. I guess yours is James.”

 

“I think so; I’ve only been called it once after I told a woman I hoped she dried up and shriveled.” Ella laughed much harder.

 

“Why would you say that?”

 

Jamie grinned, wanting to at least look chagrinned but actually still quite proud. “It was my first time out of the house, and this complete stranger got right in my face and started babbly baby talk at me and then pinched my cheek. Not sure what else I called her, but Mom wasn’t happy with me.”

 

“You call your big ‘Mom’?”

 

“Not then, actually, but for about a week now. I’ve been here, I’m not sure. I guess I’ve been awake for almost four months. Why, you don’t call yours that?”

 

With her lips pressed together and her eyes narrow, she shook her head in a tight rectangle. “Uh-uh.” The way she said it made Jamie uncomfortable; it sent up a flair he recognized.

 

“So who is it you live with?”

 

“Stacy. Just the two of us.”

 

“I haven’t met a little with a dad, that I know of.”

 

“Think about it for a sec.” Jamie did.

 

“Women who don’t have partners …”

 

“Yep. Agencies are reluctant to place littles with families where they’ll be competing for attention or where an actual toddler could drag them around like a doll. Lots of families have littles, too, but not until their own kids are older. Single men, well, that’s like home. Don’t find many single dads with their own kids or littles. Who do you live with?”

 

“Mom, uh, Becky, and my sister Amanda.”

 

“You call her your ‘sister,’ too, not your Big sister?”

 

“Uh, that’s kinda recent, too.” Jamie felt self-conscious, like he was being judged by another unregressed little like he was afraid he would be. “Is that … wrong?”

 

Her face brightened in a friendly smile. She hadn’t smiled much; it was a pretty smile. “No, not at all. It’s very sweet. You must really like them.”

 

“Hmmm,” Jamie said, “I really do. Took a while with Becky … I mean, with Mom. Can I ask, um, why you don’t call your big that?”

 

“Term has a history with me.”

 

“But you do get along with Stacy?”

 

“Oh yeah, very much.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute. “Do you want to go take a walk?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They walked to the back of the field side by side. “What now? Is he jealous that I’m with you or something?” Jamie was referring to Bobby, who looked like he was getting worked up over something.

 

“Take it as a compliment. He doesn’t do that when a very regressed little shows up. Only ones around his level or higher.”

 

“Did he pick on you?”

 

“No. I’m not sure, but I think it was made clear to him and Billy and their big they wouldn’t be welcome back if they did. I don’t know why that would get through to them, even their mom. She’s one of those who can’t believe her littles aren’t angels, and then she figures it out and flips her shit, and then she goes back to thinking they’re perfect.”

 

“Known my share of those back in the world.”

 

“What will you do?”

 

“When?”

 

“When he tries to fight you?”

 

“Walk away, or else just try to let him wear himself out, or restrain him until a big comes over?”

 

“Why not fight back?”

 

“To prove what? That I can outfight someone with the motor skills of a pre-schooler?”

 

“To make him not do it again. He’ll probably wait until he can convince Billy to help him. Billy is more of a whiner than a troublemaker. Bobby drags him into things.”

 

“Are they real brothers?”

 

“No, they both just had parents who were the same kind of ugly.” Jamie belly laughed at that, which got Ella laughing too. “But seriously, no idea. Guess they are now.”

 

“You want me to fight back?”

 

“Of course not. I was just wondering. Can we sit for a while?”

 

“Sure.” They sat down on the crest of the rise. She looked winded.

 

“Thanks. I gotta go soon.”

 

“What does Stacy do?”

 

“Business something. I never much cared to know the details. I have PT a couple times a week; she leaves work early.”

 

“PT?”

 

“Yeah,” she said quickly. “So what about Amanda?”

 

Jamie smiled and said, “Best sister ever. Like I told my social worker, I’d be lost without her. She’s in college. She picks me up every other day. Guess the one good thing about this place is it’ll make time with her and Mom more special.”

 

“ELLAFAIRE?!? Stacy is here!” They turned and saw Carried waving from the door.

 

“That’s my ride.” They got up and walked back.

 

“I’m so glad you’re hear,” Jamie said, shaking his head at his good fortune. “You’re going t have to explain to me how you managed to be the only unregressed little here without losing your mind. I’ve just been, I don’t know, bored and overwhelmed at the same time, and resentful, I guess that I’m even in daycare when I don’t really need to be.”

 

They reached the door. “I understand all that, really.” She glanced toward the door. “Can I give you one piece of advice?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Be grateful, too. See you tomorrow.”

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1 hour ago, Author_Alex said:

“Be grateful, too. See you tomorrow.”

I like the fact that you're presenting the argument that there's some good that can come out of the situation here. Looking forward to you building a relationship between these two characters!

With Cheryl at some point she's going to either have to come over and be a little herself, or let Jamie go... I don't really see him desiring to go back to his original dimension when his contract time is up here. (If he contracted to go back... I don't remember if he said forever like he'd been thinking) Thank you for keeping up a crazy writing schedule to post every day! I keep looking forward to it in my evenings to relax!

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8 hours ago, BabySofia said:

I like the fact that you're presenting the argument that there's some good that can come out of the situation here. Looking forward to you building a relationship between these two characters!

With Cheryl at some point she's going to either have to come over and be a little herself, or let Jamie go... I don't really see him desiring to go back to his original dimension when his contract time is up here. (If he contracted to go back... I don't remember if he said forever like he'd been thinking) Thank you for keeping up a crazy writing schedule to post every day! I keep looking forward to it in my evenings to relax!

Yeah I like this interaction with Elsa too and looking forward to more. .  PT sounds painful.  Hope she's okay. 

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Okay, it is official. Ella is my favorite character. Looking forward to learning about her more in the coming chapters, especially her experiences with the dimension and Term.

 

Think this was my favorite chapter so far!

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