Self Chasity and Transgender Thoughts

[dl_ashlee]

It seems like most who write about this have the fantasy of having a key holder that only allows them out when they decide to do so.  Usually meaning there is a sub/dom relationship to being in chastity.  

For me its been a challenge of not having an organism for extended periods and when I eventually do it gives me the same feeling of when I was a teen and the penis being aroused with the slightest touch.  Biggest problem has been I'm a grower and not a shower with fairly large testes(almost all tubes on these things are massive compared to my limp penis). Tried many "cheap" ones over the last year and they all seem to pinch and cause issues within wearing it for a few hours.  I finally found one that seems to be fairly comfortable and having been wearing it for 2 days without much discomfort (this one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07GLGN33K/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1).  I also ordered a copy cat of "The Holy Trainer (The nub size)", waiting for that to come in as it was ordered on ebay.  Although I do sometimes feel that part of wanting chastity is that I feel that I might be transgender, but neither have the body to be passable, nor am I financially self sufficient, which to me would be a must to be able to comfortably live as female.  I live fairly comfortable as a male and find my dysphoria less pressing then living as a male and not having to endure all the issues transitioning would cause in my life.  I envy those that decide to transition and endure all that not being in the "norm" entails.  That's my rationalizing of not transitioning, but on to more my "feelings" of possibly being transgender.

Although I do fantasize of having a real pussy and how it would feel to be penetrated, not totally sure if I am trans, but I do fantasize a lot about sexually being the female, but that could be more sexually feed then actually wanting to be with a male.  Although at this point I don't really see this as an option, balding in the back, extra hairy, small but noticeable Adam's apple, deep voice; not exactly the best recipe for passing.  But maybe for a true transgender all that stuff doesn't matter.  Although I have always felt that full SRS might not be necessary to feel like "me," but an orchi probably would have to be done, just because I do think hormones for me would be needed and taking high doses of anti androgen's for life is going to cause health risks.  

Although I do sometimes think that having female features without testes (but keep the "large clit") and dating females with vagina's might be what I'm after (although I'm not opposed to dating another transwoman).  So guess that would make me "bi-sexual"?  If we define more then the standard two genders, guess some people could be quad-sexual or more.  Just a thought exercise that if there were definitions of different genders besides the "normal" two, that we could have females with vagina's, females with penises, males with penises, males with vagina's and it might even factor in that some might only want to date cis females/males in combination with any of the other gender combinations.  So it's possible that someone could be "sex-sexual", but anyone just wanting to to date others with the same genitalia and outer looks would be considered "gay."  That begs the question though would a transwoman dating a cis women be considered "lesbian" and would a transwoman who likes to date both other transwomen and cis women be considered "bi-sexual"?  Considering what is considered the norm in our culture today this all seems to be something that could be a twilight zone episode. 

So on that theory I would consider myself "tri-sexual", liking cis females, transwoman with penises and transwoman with vaginas.  If we wanted to we could further create a gender between transwoman with penises that have testes and transwoman who have penises without testes.  So that could make me a "quad-sexual."  Of course we could go further down the rabbit hole and consider another gender being those that still want to look male/female, but dress in clothes of the other gender without taking on the "normal" outer features of the "normal" two genders.  Or how about being cis male, but have breasts without the other features of being female (so look male, but you just have breasts) or a cis female that just wants to have no breasts (of course there are already plenty of cis females that are flat chested, so in culture that is already seen as "somewhat normal."  Where as in no shape or form would a male with breasts without other physical features of a female be considered even remotely "normal."  Don't know if any of your heard/saw it, but think it was call The Man Show or something with Adam Corolla and they had a guy on that got breast implants and lived with them for a year(pretty sure it was some kind of bet from his buddies), the fear of being ridiculed kept him wearing clothes to hide them and make him just look "fat." He wore baggy shirts and baggy hoodies to hide them.  Now if it was acceptable in our society, I wonder if he would have kept them, he did say he "enjoyed" them.  

Sorry for the "rambling", but felt I needed to get all of this out and it feels almost like self therapy as it really got my real feelings out, that I suppress in everyday life to fit in with the "norm."

Maybe its impossibly high standards, but is it so much to ask to find a "female (doesn't matter pussy/penis)" that accepts me for how I feel on the gender line, plus accepts the diaper fetish (never done it, but I think I would be into age playing, so hopefully change my diapers sometimes, treat me like a baby when I'm feeling like that), be breast feed (this is certainly on my bucket list) and then also has a passion for cars (I don't even have any friends that are even interested and don't generally even notice when a bright yellow Lambo or a red Ferrari passes by us on the road), they have interest in computers (would be fun to have someone I could do maker projects with), enjoys sitcoms/sci-fi and electronic music.  Is that so much to ask? Essentially BFF's that are intimate. A transwoman can dream right?

If you read all of this, I applaud you, grab yourself a beer, you should be rewarded.

[DiaperedAllTheTime]

All I can say is never give up.  There is someone out there for you.  I never dreamed myself that I would be in diapers permanently, have a key holder, and be a cuckold.  My wife has helped turn all of my fantasies into a real life fetish lifestyle that I could only previously dream about.  It took a long time and sacrifice on her behalf for us to be where we are today.  Never in a million years would I have foreseen my current way of life and I could not be happier.  You will find someone just be patient and be honest with yourself like you have been.

[dl_ashlee]

So just had a thought that I really think we need to be able to legally change our "Sex" to transgender.  Maybe even add Anatomy: Penis/Vagina to ID's, legally/medically I think having both on hand on your ID is actually useful.  

[Sarah_Hillcrest]

hi ashlee, 

Lots in common with you.  I find myself very attracted to girls, and boys who look like girls.  I'm married and monogamous though.  As far as finding a significant other who is open to your gender issues, kinks, and all your personal interests, I'd say 2 out of 3 aint bad.  

[dl_ashlee]

Ya, not looking to be a cuck, but as I said it seems that most who are into chastity do seem to want to go that way.  Looks like from your picture you also like to be the "sissy."  Not really into that side myself either.

Maybe its just the image of being a girl, but I do find myself fantasizing about being fucked by a guy, even though I don't really find them attractive.  

Would you call two tgirls who are together to be lesbians? If I were to choose I'd probably be a tgirl with another tgirl.

[dl_ashlee]

Just an update, tonight will be 30 days of self chastity.  Although I've come to find an issue that didn't originally happen.  Seems I need a smaller ring now, I can only assume for some reason being in chastity for 30 days has shrunk my testicles.  Which seems very odd to me that not having release, besides milking for 30 days would decrease your ball size.  I do know having a metal cage on has stretched my sack out, I used to have very high and tight scrotum and now they actually "hang".  

I'm now having an internal debate on whether to orgasm tomorrow.  I originally planned to do so as I was sort of in a sexual rut, I'd masturbate every few nights, but it really wasn't exciting.  I really wanted it to feel again like when I was a teen and the brush of the wind would give me a woody.

Now I've found rubbing my clit , can give me all the head chills of an orgasm without the let down afterwards.  Apparently that's what females can do all the time.  Apparently as males after release the pituitary gland releases Prolactin and Oxytocin, which causes the refractory period that males deal with after orgasm. Which apparently when you go on HRT it starts to change this and I know it will be different for everyone, but on some forums there are MtF discussing that they still have orgasms, but not necessarily squirting ones, but whole body ones without the let down us males have to deal with after release, even without having the full surgery.  If that's true that sounds amazing.

[dl_ashlee]

Been watching a lot of trans videos and some heavy thought about if I feel that I was born with the wrong parts down below.  I'm not convinced that I would be happier having a vagina downstairs at this point. What I have decided is gender roles suck and I'm probably more non-binary, than trans.  

I've never been into girly hobbies that most the transwomen who know from an early age that they were born with the wrong parts. Cars and computers have been my hobbies, although I'm not good at them I enjoyed sports, both baseball and basketball.  All of which society has decided they are male hobbies and not female.

All I do know is putting on a wig, makeup and a dress makes me feel good when looking in the mirror.  

Am I a century or two ahead of society? If the future is a genderless society, bathrooms would be split between if you have a penis or vagina, not how you dress. All other animals walk around in their birthday suits, they have no concept of gender. And their are plenty of of examples that some animals do want to have sex with the same sex. Of course they have no choice to change their sex, nor change how they dress. So they only know they are attracted to others with the same sex or opposite sex or they may not care which sex they have sex with.

Imagine if everyone walked around in their birthday suit, which would you be attracted to, for that situation to me its clear I would choose my mate to be a person who has the features a person with a vagina would naturally develop into having, but it doesn't matter to me if that originally had those features or not (nor if down below they have a vagina or penis as long as they present as on the outside as looking female). 

Probably due to society and not my upbringing I always have tried to hold back any emotions as I didn't think it was manly to do so.  At 35 I'm realizing why do I need to hold on to that gender stereotype.  And its feeling great to allow myself to cry when watching emotional TV shows. For now I think I could be happier not exactly presenting myself in the world as female, but doing small things emotionally and physically that make me happy.  Things like getting facial hair removal and allowing myself to do and feel things society deems to be a female norm.  

If the US ever becomes more progressive like Sweden then I probably would wear dresses, grow my hair long, wear makeup and if we truly ever get to a genderless society get myself some breasts.  I don't feel I need to change how I talk or sound female just because society deems that presenting yourself as female requires these things.  My voice is "me", either way if I present as female or male.

Although none of that answers the question of if I would be happier having an innie rather then an outie. At this point I'm not sure and its not because of the gender constructs we have laid out in modern society. Although I never plan to have kids, the thought of never being able to produce offspring if some day I changed my mind that I wouldn't be able to do so without banking sperm and then I would only have a finite number of tries to get someone pregnant. I try to imagine waking up with a flat part down there and how I would feel if one day I woke up without a penis one day.  And at this point I couldn't tell you one way or another if that would make me happier.  Say I only got the SRS down below but did not change how I presented myself to the world.  Of course having no T would mean I would naturally start to have softer more womanly features.  Would having a vagina but still presenting as male make me a happier more content person?

I don't know if I can answer this question until I am not a virgin and experiment to find out if not having a penis would make sex more enjoyable for me  Of course with no T it generally makes sex less important.  Would having less sex drive make me a happier person? Another one I can't seem to figure out yet.

And is my lower sex drive just because I've been doing it alone now for around 22 years and its just no longer exciting?

I certainly want to start meeting up with some LGBTQ groups in my area to explore more of my gender roles and what makes me happy.  Along with hopefully finding others to go out with dressed and present as females.  It seems like a good way to find out how I feel presenting as a women in pubic and in a safer group outing.

[BabyJune]

When I was very young and all through high school, I had some serious gender identity issues. Oddly enough, once I started college (and students no longer picked on me) things changed. And once I got out into the working world and gained a career, I realized that my life would be the same no matter whether I was a man or a woman. Since I'm not really crazy about sex and relationships, it still doesn't matter what gender my body is. I feel HUMAN, and that's all that matters to me.

[Bettypooh]

On 2/28/2019 at 6:03 AM, dl_ashlee said:

 Would having a vagina but still presenting as male make me a happier more content person?

That is a question I've wrestled with and my answer is still "I don't know but I'm willing to try". I've met a few intersexed people who lived a 'male' life with a vagina being predominant but having few other 'female' physical characteristics, and they all seemed to be tortured and traumatized by that to at least some degree. Of course that is something they'd lived with and was known by at least some family members and friends which could explain their hurting. I've always wished that I could have talked with them at more length and depth, but the situations kind of precluded such as that.

Like you mentioned, I want a world without gender restrictions where nobody thought twice of a man wearing a dress with a bouffant or a crewcut, with or without breasts, and with everyone simply being who they felt like ATM. If that were to happen then I think everyone would find their way through life much more easily and quickly, as there would be no repercussions over difference such as we have now. I can actually see this happening eventually if we stupid humans don't destroy ourselves in toto first. 

In myself, I was and am attracted to both what are seen as predominantly male and female interests, and I've always been like this. What hurt me most is my being pushed into a maleness I did not want along with being denied a chance to express any feminine aspects until late in life, and even now I deal with that almost daily. We're simply not allowed to be who we are, and it may not be from the causes it seems to be on the surface. A lot of this is from those towards the ends of the gender spectrum who feel like they will lose something if there is any allowance for what lies in between; they want binary gender exclusivity for selfish reasons. They are letting negative things drive them instead of positive ones, and that is all too commonplace today (and probably has always occurred).

Even before coming here this morning, I thought about walking to the store wearing a dress. I'd really love to do that, even with no other things about me appearing to be on the feminine end of the gender spectrum. But the world restricts me with no valid reason for it- they are totally wrong but it's me who has to suffer from the wrongness instead of them, and they think this is proper and correct. They would lose nothing in me doing that but they don't want me to do it anyway. All I can conclude is that the ones who truly need psychiatric and psychotherapy assistance are the ones who think they don't need it. And that is the vast majority of humankind...

Bettypooh   

[dl_ashlee]

Just wanted to update my thoughts. First before I even think about transitioning, I have to loose weight. I know its part of my body dysphoria. I've been making healthy life choices to help this issue. I never ate veggies and had mostly a high protein meat based diet. I've gone mostly vegetarian. I still eat some chicken/fish (probably once a week). Now my staples are brown rice/beans/potatoes. Slowly introducing different veggies to my diet, until I acquire a taste for them. Avacados are great to get good fats in your diet (since rice/beans/potatoes are low fat foods, you still need fat in your diet).

Going to start going for daily walks and loose weight by eating less calories then I burn. Might look at doing the gym thing to loose weight faster, but unsure of that right now. I did do a while back weight watchers and lost weight basically by just eating less calories per day then a normal person would (1600cal/day vs 2000cal/day if I wasn't trying to loose weight).

After researching HRT, I do have a few concerns. One is loosing strength, I'm the one that people give jars to open that they can't and not sure how I feel about that if I loose that strength to do so. Also I do carry boxes of network cable/ladders etc for cabling as an IT Manager. Is it just that the people I hear talking about loosing strength are already these petite people that probably didn't have very much muscle in the first place. Our family is pretty muscular and for her size she has had more strength then most. 

I will be looking at least having my facial hair removed, even as a male, never liked having facial hair. Tried having a goatee a few times, never feels like "me". I've started wearing light mineral foundation, along with using products to keep my facial skin in better shape. I have always had dry skin/eczema and found wearing foundation now is giving me acne. So now I'm having to find products to rid me of acne and still wear the foundation. I've bought hypoallergenic foundation after using bare minerals that started to give me really bad acne. It has helped, but I just started using some other acne products to help clear up the few I still am getting. Certainly having acne, when I never did doesn't help with the body dysphoria.

[Bettypooh]

Thanks for the update! It's not one single "path" but bringing many 'paths' together then using them that gets you where you want to go You won't necessarily lose strength on HRT.  As long as you continue doing what you do now in the same way, that will continue. What will happen is that if you stop using your muscles they will weaken and regaining that lost strength will be very tough to do. When you change from being 'testosterone-driven' to being 'estrogen-driven' you acquire the muscle traits which follow. Muscle mass will be extremely hard to build and will be limited. Along with that will come with easier tiring from muscle use, so to do the same as before you will have to put more effort into it and you will feel tired sooner. What I found is that I could continue with everything, but I needed more frequent 'rests' between exertions. The upside of it was that for me anyway, those shorter rests brought me back more quickly. It was the end of the workday which hurt the most- I'd be exhausted. Thirty minutes later I could do it again where that same level of exhaustion before HRT took hours to recover from. TBH I was happier this way since 'bad'' feelings were shorter in duration. It was tougher to keep up at work, but more emotionally rewarding when I did that.

You will also experience the same problem with weight loss. Any excess food/calorie intake will turn into fat instead of muscle, and it will be significantly harder to burn that fat away. You will have to limit what goes in to being just enough to supply your immediate energy needs and no more. Get used to feeling hungry; see it as being a success on keeping your weight under control. You'll find 'binge' eating to be your worst enemy. Settle into a healthy diet with small portions and stay with it religiously;. Learn what puts the pounds on and avoid that whether you want to or not. This part of your life will be one of the biggest changes you'll need to make if you're like most folks. I suggest that you set and meet your body-weight goal before you begin HRT as it's much easier then.

On cosmetics, if you've got skin issues you need to avoid the cheap stuff. Even the mainstream 'hypoallergenic' stuff isn't what it should be. Go to a better department store which sells "Mac" cosmetics and try out one item at a time to gauge any reaction. And remember that with make-up less is more; just a slight touch of the right products done the right way in the right places makes you look much better than you might realize. A professional consultant (like the Mac sales counter staff) gets you there better and faster than what you get from other sources. Especially when the others are sales-motivated like Mary Kay, Avon, Merle Norman etc can be. Once you learn the 'tricks' from the Mac counter you can try cheaper products in the same shades used similarly- big sticker shock with Mac cosmetics but they are among the best commonly found here. Another trick is to look at other women as they buy cosmetics- if they look great see what their product choices are. If they look trashy avoid what they buy. Don't  stare, just be aware. Same for hair-care products; careful and keen observation will get you the answers.

My electrolysis was one of the most costly things I've ever done but also the second most rewarding in my life; this even after stopping my transition and returning to a mostly 'male' life. Whichever method you chose do it as early into the game as you possible can so that any unintentional regrowth can be dealt with while your skin isn't as thin and sensitive as it will eventually become. Also consider other areas such as chest hair and genital hair if you're going to be getting inversion SRS. The latter isn't something you can go back to later for a re-touch! Don't rush the transition process, be sure you get each step tight and complete before taking the next one. You get one chance to do it right, so make it all count.

Bettypooh