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Tired of my Lazy Alcoholic brother


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He isnt addicted in the "needs it constantly" kind of way; as I said before he is just one of those people when he drink a tiny bit too much he will not stop until all the alcohol available is gone or he is passed out and sleeping.

He can rarely afford to drink like he wants because the only way he has the money is if our dad sends it to him, and nobody else is allowing him anything near that amount of alcohol. 

The only problem I have had with that is that 1. He has got too content with doing absolutely nothing and not providing financially for too long 2. He has lost the dog twice, and I'm 100% serious when I told him it CANT happen again; or he will be going to rehab or kicked out.

I know it sounds like I'm more concerned about my dog and I kinda am, she is innocent (except for the crimes of being too energetic and giving too many kisses), and she costs a lot less than my brother, and she actually does a job (if she ever so much as barks it will keep bad people away)

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For now

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2 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

He isnt addicted in the "needs it constantly" kind of way; as I said before he is just one of those people when he drink a tiny bit too much he will not stop until all the alcohol available is gone or he is passed out and sleeping.

He can rarely afford to drink like he wants because the only way he has the money is if our dad sends it to him, and nobody else is allowing him anything near that amount of alcohol. 

The only problem I have had with that is that 1. He has got too content with doing absolutely nothing and not providing financially for too long 2. He has lost the dog twice, and I'm 100% serious when I told him it CANT happen again; or he will be going to rehab or kicked out.

I know it sounds like I'm more concerned about my dog and I kinda am, she is innocent (except for the crimes of being too energetic and giving too many kisses), and she costs a lot less than my brother, and she actually does a job (if she ever so much as barks it will keep bad people away)

You should probably tell your dad about the situation with your brother if you haven't already.  Also, if you really want your brother to change his behavior, you may need to hide the alcohol/video game controllers until he does something productive such as filling out a job application and/or finding a local AA group.  

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On 12/3/2018 at 3:23 PM, tyrantblade3500 said:

I tried talking sense into him (not specifically about his drinking, more about being more serious about his job, which involves at least putting off the drinking to the weekend) back when he still had his job at Walmart; its literally like that saying "in one ear and out the other" , he would just keep drinking BEFORE work and messing around with his friend (whom worked on a completely different schedule) and playing games at their place, he wouldn't listen then so I doubt he is gonna listen now.

 

And I bet he probably hates me for making it so he has nothing fun to do, but "tough luck" on that part; why should he be able to have fun FULL TIME while I'm working FULL TIME + I bought everything entertaining in the house, + Electricity, heating, and water are not free.

I mean what's a guy to do? I think all I can do is make it so he has nothing to do, and maybe he will have a wake up call when he doesn't have any alcohol and has no way to have fun so long as I'm at work (which is gonna be 56 hours this week Monday Thru Friday), so he can have fun trying to have fun without games, media streaming, or TV.

Inability to moderate intake is a telltale sign that he is progressing to the point of all-out addiction. There is no fault in caring for your dog, but bear in mind that your brother needs help (though he may not want it) and it is highly advisable to approach this situation tactfully. AA is probably the best thing for him right now, but if you call your brother trash and try to make him feel awful about himself that could have the opposite effect of what you actually want.

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You don't have to drink constantly to be an alcohol addict. You don't even have to drink frequently to be one. All it takes is that you cannot control the desire to drink successfully when you do drink. I was once a heavy drinker. I realized it was going beyond my control so I cut down to drinking no more than twice a month and not getting drunk then. But a chance came along and I wound up getting drunk two nights in a row. I was within my senses and safe where it happened so no problem really- except that it was then that I realized that the two previous nights I'd been drinking to escape reality which I knew doesn't work. I was an alcoholic, even at two drinks a month, because I didn't have full control of it. I haven't had even a sip since then and I never will. It will not control me ever again.

So yes, your brother is an alcoholic. And you're an enabler. I don't say this to hurt you but only to get you to see that your love and concern for him isn't letting you see and understand what the rest of us here who are not so close can see more plainly. If you don't handle the situation accordingly you're leading yourself and him into failure. Compassion and forgiveness are good things, but sometimes they are the wrong response, and with alcoholics and other addicts they simply enable them to continue on the wrong path longer. Save those things for them until they quit, and then they will become good responses again. In the meantime, understand that he's not in control of himself- alcohol is. And he will once again over-do it when he gets the chance. Along with that will come the results you've seen before- the one's you've shared with us here and said you didn't like. 

Don't believe me, do as I asked and speak to a sponsor at AA. Speak to several of them. They've seen it too, more than I have. They will verify every thing I've said. I'm asking that you do this so that you can give your brother the chance he needs to get his life sorted out and to bring an end to the issues you're experiencing because of him. The answer you need isn't always the answer you want, and sometimes the answer that hurts is the right answer. Avoiding it doesn't change that.

Bettypooh

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, my dad called and had a serious talk with my younger brother about Alcohol and the ways in which it (in a way) ruined my dads health; especially considering my dad has had diabetes for decades so of course alcohol (being a form of processed sugar) did my dad no favors, I don't know what will come of the talk; but my dad said he isn't gonna send my brother money if that's what he is gonna do with it.

I drink too much at times, lately being one of those times (not an extreme amount, but several nights in a row) due to this debt collector BS; going forward I am gonna slow down again (I see no point in binge drinking) as I like to be able to function when I'm drinking and limiting my number of drinking days will also save me some money.

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Well we can only hope that  youre dads talk  have gotten thru to youre little  brother  dear (it could as  he is his dad  and also  said father  KNOWS about the  drinking life    so he could actually respect and listen to him )   , and i have to say  that was GOOD   desition for youe dad to talk to him    as well as  cut of the  money supply 

I think this is an EXCELLENT  desition on  youre part as well    to cut down on the drinking    as well as save the  money dear    WELL DONE     (clapping hands )

Were AL behind  you dear        

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On 12/25/2018 at 1:28 PM, tyrantblade3500 said:

Well, my dad called and had a serious talk with my younger brother about Alcohol and the ways in which it (in a way) ruined my dads health; especially considering my dad has had diabetes for decades so of course alcohol (being a form of processed sugar) did my dad no favors, I don't know what will come of the talk; but my dad said he isn't gonna send my brother money if that's what he is gonna do with it.

I drink too much at times, lately being one of those times (not an extreme amount, but several nights in a row) due to this debt collector BS; going forward I am gonna slow down again (I see no point in binge drinking) as I like to be able to function when I'm drinking and limiting my number of drinking days will also save me some money.

That's good to hear.  To save/earn more money, you may want to open a money market account as it usually earns a higher interest rate than a savings account does, and is federally insured.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, he did it again (left the dog out in his Drunken Stupor) and he let the (now possibly pregnant) cat outside at some point.

I was being a little considerate in allowing a half measure and giving him another chance. 

But now I'm gonna tell him absolutely no alcohol at all and hopefully our Mom decides to back me and do something about him, somehow I knew this would probably happen because it's always "Drunk O Clock" for him, hence why he lost his last job at Walmart.

I'm just lucky that both of these last times I got home right in time to find my dog at the back door (instead of Roaming the streets, which means the Dog Warden would get called and we would likely have to pay a higher fine than the last time she was wandering after being left outside for hours, and then maybe she would get Ringworm again).

If murder was legal I would have killed him as soon as I found out he was home, is it so hard to see why I value my dog above him?

My dog is cheaper to feed, more responsible, her presence can keep would be intruders away (all she has to do is bark) and she is furry and warm and always makes me feel good and safe at night (she sleeps right behind me).

What good is a drunken moron that is either sleeping or so absent minded nothing will get through to him once he has had a little to much to drink (which results in drinking way too much) ?

If he had food stamps or a job that would help a lot, but he has no motivation for anything and you cant force motivation, I'm not even a bad influence here as I'm not drinking liters of Rum or Multiple Four Lokos (12-14% ABV, 24 ounces per can, cheap; drink 2 and you can black out and become a useless drunken moron).

I have scaled down to 2 cans a week of weaker alcohol so I can have enough for that feel good effect without going way too far (as he always does if the alcohol is available to him, I hide my 2 cans so they dont disappear into his stomach).

If he could only wait until I got home I wouldn't care that much how drunk he gets (I would still care that he isn't trying to get a job even when he is sober though).

Such a disappointment.

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Alcoholism is a disease as well as a symptom of a larger problem. And until that problem is dealt with he will continue to fail you.

I'm all for families sticking together, but you have to ask yourself: How much abuse can you take? What would be the thing that finally convinces you to kick him out of your house and out of your life?

Would it be when ge starts pawning off your possessions to buy booze? Would it be when he goes out driving drunk and kills a child? Would it be when you come home to him having beaten one of your loved ones to death in a drunken rage? 

Okay, that last one might be a little extreme, but it shows you why you need to set hard limits and then act accordingly when he crosses the line.

"You can't negotiate with someone if you can't tell them to go to hell." Right now you've shown your brother that, no matter what he does, no matter how bad he gets, you won't follow through and kick him out. Why should he be motivated to change?

It's very possible that kicking your brother out might be what kills him, or it might be exactly what he needs to finally turn his life around. But in any case you need to ask yourself and all your other family members: what's the alternative? Because if you don't start taking drastic measures with this parasite of a brother he will drag you down when he finally crashes and burns.

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4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Alcoholism is a disease as well as a symptom of a larger problem. And until that problem is dealt with he will continue to fail you.

I'm all for families sticking together, but you have to ask yourself: How much abuse can you take? What would be the thing that finally convinces you to kick him out of your house and out of your life?

Would it be when ge starts pawning off your possessions to buy booze? Would it be when he goes out driving drunk and kills a child? Would it be when you come home to him having beaten one of your loved ones to death in a drunken rage? 

Okay, that last one might be a little extreme, but it shows you why you need to set hard limits and then act accordingly when he crosses the line.

"You can't negotiate with someone if you can't tell them to go to hell." Right now you've shown your brother that, no matter what he does, no matter how bad he gets, you won't follow through and kick him out. Why should he be motivated to change?

It's very possible that kicking your brother out might be what kills him, or it might be exactly what he needs to finally turn his life around. But in any case you need to ask yourself and all your other family members: what's the alternative? Because if you don't start taking drastic measures with this parasite of a brother he will drag you down when he finally crashes and burns.

If it was just up to me I would've kicked him out a while ago, the house is technically in our Moms name, it's only my house in that we would not own the house if I wasnt around and didn't have a job the last 6 years and pay for a lot of the bills.

He is no thief and doesn't need alcohol to survive, he just cant help himself when it comes to how much he drinks, whatever he buys he will drink in a binge is what his problem is, he isn't an "every day needs alcohol or he is sick" kind of alcoholic he is a binge drinking Alcoholic.

The problem is my Mom isn't on the same page as I am, i have told her we need to tell him no more drinking and she still wants to allow him to drink on weekends, so if I'm working on the weekend (as I'm working today and its Saturday) he can get blitzed, pass out, sleep, and leave the dog outside in the freezing cold all alone (again)

Regardless imma lay down some new rules, if he wants to get plastered and be irresponsible he will have to do it somewhere else.

If he leaves my dog in the cold unattended I will throw him outside in the cold and lock the door.

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5 hours ago, Baby Girl Sarah said:

You could also ad this to youre mother as she clearly havent understood this one bit  that IF she`s `s  not on board  you  stop youre   financial  contribution as well  thats within youre right  i believe.   

GOOD for you   dear    :67_EmoticonsHDcom:    

But I cant find another place to live for $240 a month, so it is in my best interest to not do that as if I go anywhere else I would probably spend close to triple, an appartment around here alone would cost over $500 a month and that doesn't include everything.

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17 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

But I cant find another place to live for $240 a month, so it is in my best interest to not do that as if I go anywhere else I would probably spend close to triple, an appartment around here alone would cost over $500 a month and that doesn't include everything.

Would you qualify for Section 8 or some other financial assistence?  If you really want to find somewhere else to live, you should apply soon.

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7 hours ago, Firefly 35 said:

Would you qualify for Section 8 or some other financial assistence?  If you really want to find somewhere else to live, you should apply soon.

Probably not, assistance like that is reserved for low income and I'm making over $15.50 an hour.

I dont wanna find another place to live. Just wished my brother had some kind of motivation to work.

240 a month is dirt cheap, and would have helped us a lot; we would not have kept getting behind with that extra money.

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On 1/13/2019 at 12:05 PM, tyrantblade3500 said:

But I cant find another place to live for $240 a month, so it is in my best interest to not do that as if I go anywhere else I would probably spend close to triple, an appartment around here alone would cost over $500 a month and that doesn't include everything.

Have you considered getting an apartment with roommates? I know moving in with strangers doesn't sound too appealing, but they can't POSSIBLY be worse than your brother, right?

And if you're worried about privacy, my sister lives in an apartment with 3 other people and basically never interacts with them at all. They leave her alone just the way she likes it.

Yes, yes, I know you can't leave your mom without any means of support. And I wouldn't want you to. But you say the reason you can't give your brother an Ultimatum is because she won't let you. And as I said before "you can't negotiate with someone if you can't tell them to go to hell." If you went up to your mother one day and said "It's Me or Him. Take your pick." Who do you think she'd choose?

You're a grown man and you have the power to make your own decisions. Your first responsibility is to yourself, THEN to your family. That may sound selfish, but I promise you it isn't. Doing what's truly best for you is the least selfish thing you can do for others. ♡

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3 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Have you considered getting an apartment with roommates? I know moving in with strangers doesn't sound too appealing, but they can't POSSIBLY be worse than your brother, right?

And if you're worried about privacy, my sister lives in an apartment with 3 other people and basically never interacts with them at all. They leave her alone just the way she likes it.

Yes, yes, I know you can't leave your mom without any means of support. And I wouldn't want you to. But you say the reason you can't give your brother an Ultimatum is because she won't let you. And as I said before "you can't negotiate with someone if you can't tell them to go to hell." If you went up to your mother one day and said "It's Me or Him. Take your pick." Who do you think she'd choose?

You're a grown man and you have the power to make your own decisions. Your first responsibility is to yourself, THEN to your family. That may sound selfish, but I promise you it isn't. Doing what's truly best for you is the least selfish thing you can do for others. ♡

I would rather not board with strangers, at home I have peace of mind and can do what I want and dont have to worry about trusting anyone else, and lots of place don't allows pets and I wouldn't leave my dog with my brother more than I already have to. 

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14 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

I would rather not board with strangers, at home I have peace of mind and can do what I want and dont have to worry about trusting anyone else

From everything you've said you DON'T have peace of mind at home. Your brother is making it a type of hell for you. Even more than you realize. There are services for finding roommates that are respectable and trustworth (or at least won't steal your stuff) and...

14 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

and lots of place don't allows pets and I wouldn't leave my dog with my brother more than I already have to. 

Oof. Yeah, that's a problem.

I retract my suggestion. No pupper gets left behind. ?

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It isn't Hell, he just needs to be more responsible, which he has shown isn't gonna happen if he has access to alcohol; and also he should be paying rent, but he has no motivation even when sober to actually try getting a job.

It looks like the only way he is gonna get a job is if Walmart takes him back, apparently a manager and his coworkers want him back; but why would the district boss allow him to come back given his record (refusing to learn the register, not showing up because he was "sick" (from drinking before work) ; not showing up because he was over at his Friends house which was working a different shift, not being ready on time because he wouldn't check his schedule and they would often change it on him).

My mom has been redoing his application at Walmart for over 6 months now as they led us on to believe they MIGHT rehire him, then said it is up to the District Boss, then a lower level manager and his coworkers want him back.

But I think his ship has sailed with Walmart and they aren't going to give him a 2nd chance.

They have also tried fast food places, but without my brother talking to them or actually showing up to follow through after an application they probably don't think he actually wants the job.

One thing I haven't mentioned is he does stutter quite a bit, but I'm sure if he at least tried getting a job they could have him work in the back and not have to talk to customers.

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I can defenetly understand and agree  with youe frustration  with youre brother  dear

Sounds to me he really needs  a GOOD kick in the  Arse 

Have  you al thought of actually try to make an appointment to said   lower   level manager   ?  (and i do mean L  (incl drag youre lacy brother  with you )   

Im inclined to agree   BUT you never no  if you dont try   

as i said  he obviously need a baby sitter  that MAKES SHORE    he gets his lacy behind to work and  other places

The stutter is indeed  a  -   but perhaps  as you say in the back   with no customers   I dont  suppose  perhaps  some   LOWER   job on a building  /construction  site  is  a possibility  ?      

 

Btw reg  the  dog   i agree  i wouldn't  EVER    consider  leaving ANY of my pets  for  home    either   

     

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/14/2019 at 7:07 PM, tyrantblade3500 said:

I would rather not board with strangers, at home I have peace of mind and can do what I want and dont have to worry about trusting anyone else, and lots of place don't allows pets and I wouldn't leave my dog with my brother more than I already have to. 

 

On 1/15/2019 at 9:12 AM, Wannatripbaby said:

From everything you've said you DON'T have peace of mind at home. Your brother is making it a type of hell for you. Even more than you realize. There are services for finding roommates that are respectable and trustworth (or at least won't steal your stuff) and...

Oof. Yeah, that's a problem.

I retract my suggestion. No pupper gets left behind. ?

@tyrantblade3500, it might be different where you live, but from what I've seen most apartments do allow pets although with extra fees.

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3 hours ago, Firefly 35 said:

 

@tyrantblade3500, it might be different where you live, but from what I've seen most apartments do allow pets although with extra fees.

Well, around here a lot of apartments dont seem to allow pets, or if they do it's only certain pets, and some places that allow pets have conditions that they dont allow certain breeds of dogs; the #1 banned pet in these place is Pit Bulls because of their "aggressive dog" reputation because of people that raise their Pit Bulls to be aggressive or even worse the ones that enjoy dog fighting and sometimes even put dogs in the area to fight or bet on which will win.

I would like to see someone throw dog fighting enthusiasts in the UFC Octagon with a heavyweight and see if they enjoy fighting for their lives 

But that's neither here nor there in relevance to the topic at hand.

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The gentlest dog I ever knew was a full-blooded pit bull. And so was the second dog I've ever feared in my whole life. All based partly on how they were raised, partly on bloodlines, and partly the general nature of the breed. My dog is part pit and a real sweetheart :wub: but when she breaks bad (only when provoked) her "pit" side emerges and that's not her fault, nor do I see that as a problem B)

I don't have indoor dogs and it's always been a problem finding houses to rent for us. Apartments sometimes allow indoor pets but with high special deposits and strict rules about outdoors behavior such as "always leashed and held by a responsible adult". Back when I worked on apartments I met more than a few people who got kicked out because someone lied about their pets behavior, as well as all manner of other things. Save for a small privately and locally owned community where you can deal directly with the owner it's not a good situation to be in, and I will not live in such a place at all dog or not. I do have a friend who runs a kennel and I can put my dogs up there when I need to so maybe if you're really stuck you can get a friend to take care of yours temporarily. Otherwise be prepared for a lot of extra time and work in finding a place where you both can live.

Bettypooh

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  • 10 months later...
On 12/2/2018 at 10:12 PM, tyrantblade3500 said:

My younger brother hasn't had a job in over a year at this point ... all he seems to want to do is things required to function at a basic level, and get Drunk and/or play video games all day and I'm getting fed up with it.

I had a housemate like this for 4 years. Aside from the obvious feeling of injustice you have as you wake up on a Monday morning, only to find him just heading off to bed, it is not healthy for him, nor a healthy situation for your mental health.

Unfortunately, my housemate said that he "wanted to work, but couldn't get his foot in the door". I called in favors from everyone I knew, and got him 4 or 5 jobs, all of which he was terminated from within a week. One of those jobs was with my Brother, who ultimately had to terminate him.

Eventually, I did muster the courage to evict him, however one of my parting questions was "did you ever get fired on purpose" to which he answered "always, I don't want to work, welfare pays well enough".

The sad thing about this is that I put my reputation on the line for this guy, with colleagues, friends and family, only to find out that he was working to an intentionally poor standard and engaging in conduct with the objective of being fired.

There is no helping some people, and it took me over a year to recover psychologically from the stress he caused me, and I would shudder to even tally the financial cost. Whilst he is your brother, the best thing you could do for both yourself and him would most likely be to send him back to live with his father (I know this places additional stress on your father, but he is probably the only one who can discipline him). Also, he will be able to see first hand where his money is going, and hopefully talk some sense into the man before he kills himself, and brings you down with him.

P.S. Please bear in mind that "cold turkey" alcohol withdrawal for an individual who is physically dependent is medically dangerous, and unless undertaken in a hospital or detox center can be fatal, due to all kinds of CNS irregularities including seizures, cardiac arrhythmia and suffocation. Please don't throw him to the wolves in this regard, and ensure he is under medical supervision during his acute detoxification.

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