Tired of my Lazy Alcoholic brother

[tyrantblade3500]

My younger brother hasn't had a job in over a year at this point (he had Food Stamps for a few months, so that helped us a little bit) ; and all he seems to want to do is things required to function at a basic level, and get Drunk and/or play video games all day and I'm getting fed up with it.

I mean here I am trying to not only pay bills but hopefully have some spare money to save up (or spend on hobbies so I can enjoy myself and relax outside of work; I'm working on trying to balance enjoyment/hobbies and saving money, but it isnt gonna suddenly happen, I just got my (much better) new job about 2 months ago) ; and he is glued to Destiny 2/His phone/Media Streaming/getting drunk around the clock.

So not only am I paying all the bills (along with my mom which is around during the week to provide transportation and she pays some of the household bills as well), but I bought both TVs, both the PS4 pro and the switch (along with a computer and 2 3DSs and games for that too), and all the games, and I pay for the media streaming services; so he literally has no right to any of these things, nor the power to make them work as I paid for all the devices and pay for heating and energy.

No longer am I allowing his life to be a party in a house I'm largely paying for the bills of, he can be bored for (at least) as many hours as I have to be at work for all I care, he may not want anything out of life, but that doesn't mean he should continue being allowed to be lazy 24/7 and waste his life away having fun and drinking huge amounts of alcohol (I'm not glorifying Alcoholism in the least here).

I mean what is a guy to do other than make sure he cant have fun doing anything so MAYBE he will gain some motivation to at least work part time, and maybe stop drinking as once he is past a certain part; it literally becomes a "point of no return" ; I mean he already woke up in the hospital after passing out before and even that isnt a wake up call.

I mean it's pretty ridiculous I have to treat him like a little kid when he is not that much younger than me (having to be the mature one, pay for all this stuff and the energy and heating bills I already feel like an old man, I mean I kinda replaced the bills my dad paid at a young age (my dad isn't at fault, the divorce was my moms idea and it happened after me and my younger brother were both grown adults, and he still sends my brother money (not knowing it is fueling alcoholism which I feel like I will have to tell my dad because my dad was a drinker before and he stopped drinking and would maybe understand that my younger brother probably needs some tough love so he hits "rock bottom" and hopefully has a reason to stop this lazy alcoholic nonsense) as he still has that fatherly love and wants us to do good

[Baby Girl Sarah]

Based  on what youre describing  here  i compleatly understand  as well as  agreeing  with youre currents  action dear.  And yes  youre little brother perhaps  need to hit  ground zero to be able to  decide that this isent  the right life for me. Hopefully this will be the case  here   or  sadly he might  chose a different  path  its sadly his  choice  .BUT i defenetly agree  that youre not doing him any favors  by continuing  him to  carry on and live like this.  He needs to be shown how life  will be if he  continues this path   (ie  IF   he will  remain in said  family  and home   etc....    there are certain rules  he NEED to follow  , Staying sober ,help out in the house  , start looking ACTIVELY  for a job and  help PAY RENT /FOOD  BILLS   etc..... 

NOT saying  throw his lacy as out  (After  al he is youe brother ) BUT  do let him know   that either  he starts  doing his   part  or  things will not continue as it has   and both you and youre mom must be STRONG and stand  up  for youre self  and  the  rules  applied  in sed   household (and perhaps  some   treatment  for  him reg  his  drinking  added in said  rules  )                              

[Bettypooh]

As a former addict of alcohol and drugs, I can promise you that there are only two things which will stop an addiction: Not being able to fill it for a long enough time to get past the physical addiction, and mustering up enough chutzpah to fight it because you want to have it gone. Sometimes it takes both to beat it, and sometimes it never gets beaten. If you feel something is wrong or immoral, it is equally wrong to willingly support it in others as it is to allow it to occur in yourself. As long as you enable bad things to happen they will continue happening.

I'm not sure of what the situation is with the OP and who's in charge of the house, but if it's my house then I set the rules and there's nothing wrong with that. I do have compassion for friends and family but that has limits, and I can't willingly let them hurt me or anyone else I care about without acting on it. I have a very tight bond with my family, and I'll do anything within my power to help them when they need it. But I'm not going to do something which is going to hurt them more than help them. I can't do that so don't ask. The bond of family and true friends is formed out of love for one another. If you love them you help them. If they love you back, they won't ask for help that is not needed, nor will they use you in that way. If you truly love them you'll be inclined to help them and it will be tough to see them suffer, but when the suffering comes from them not trying to do the right things them you either have to overlook that or you have to end yous support for them till they get back on the right path. Which is very hard to do. But it's what you must do because at that point it is the only thing which can help in the long run.

As odd as it may seem with you not being an alcoholic, my advice to you is to seek out one of the Sponsors at your local AA organization and ask them for help with this. While AA isn't exactly meant for this secondary purpose they will be able to help you in ways which I can't. It's not going to be an easy conversation but they are the experts in getting people off alcohol and they know the ins and outs of it personally and vicariously in the many people they've tried to help through the years. If nothing else they can help you understand your brother better and why there's  still hope and a need for you to do something to help him have the better life which is possible for him and all of you too. It's not an easy path, just the right one.

Bettypooh

[tyrantblade3500]

I tried talking sense into him (not specifically about his drinking, more about being more serious about his job, which involves at least putting off the drinking to the weekend) back when he still had his job at Walmart; its literally like that saying "in one ear and out the other" , he would just keep drinking BEFORE work and messing around with his friend (whom worked on a completely different schedule) and playing games at their place, he wouldn't listen then so I doubt he is gonna listen now.

 

And I bet he probably hates me for making it so he has nothing fun to do, but "tough luck" on that part; why should he be able to have fun FULL TIME while I'm working FULL TIME + I bought everything entertaining in the house, + Electricity, heating, and water are not free.

I mean what's a guy to do? I think all I can do is make it so he has nothing to do, and maybe he will have a wake up call when he doesn't have any alcohol and has no way to have fun so long as I'm at work (which is gonna be 56 hours this week Monday Thru Friday), so he can have fun trying to have fun without games, media streaming, or TV.

[repetitivediaperwetter88]

As a fellow Alcoholic, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to realize that you have a drinking problem. Its going to take some serious tough love and ALOT of Patience. If he wants booze, he will have to Earn the money to buy it. So, first things first, tell dad, then, proceed forward from there. Maybe try and find some AA Groups in the area? 

[Baby Girl Sarah]

I agree  with  the above  reply here.  And would also like to ad He probably counts on you and  youe mom to cave in  soon as you have done  it  up to now  So as i was saying earlier   you both need to stand  youre grounds  and he needs to find out that  OOPS  they actually meant  what they are saying,  (gasp ) 

Yes  he may hate you both NOW  but think of this way  would you rather he likes you both and he can continue his thing  and more or less bring down youre whole family   with him   ?   Cause thats what gonna happen if you cave in  to him dear and he  dont give a rats    ....   about either of  you at this point   AL you are to him as of now is  means  to be able to slack of   and  and  drink . 

Further more    the rule you have  instated  is good  BUT   you should ad  to this  with HIS OWN funds     (ie  if he have money ,contributes to the  household   etc.... THEN  of course he can use what money he have left  to his own disposal  BUT NO   drinking (and OR drugs  )  in the house    ,if he whonts to do that he has to go some´were else   and when he`s sober  again WARM welkome back. 

He needs to really understand     that  he now has a choice to make  either get his  life in order    and seek HELP  or  continue this path  and end  up  homeless   and a drunk in and out of the slammer its as simple as that . (that you're dad  apparently is  a drunk him self  is NOT  increasing the ods  of  him to be able to get out of this    BUT it CAN be done  )                                  

[horrorfan]

You could try getting friends and family members together for an intervention, as it's harder for them to blow it off at that point. Involve your parents at the very least so they can assist in enforcing rules, as it's clear that he does not respect you as an authority figure in his life. If you do try to go it alone then at the very least try not to be overly confrontational about it as he will only shrug it off and you'll get even more upset. There are multiple ways to accomplish this, but the key point to remember is you're trying to convince him that he needs to start pulling his own weight as opposed to venting to him about your personal problems which involve him. Tread carefully and good luck.

[Baby Girl Sarah]

I should probably ad YES  i have  been deeply involved in the both HEAVY Drunk / Dope  / Criminal /  Mental disorders  world NOT as contender tho (NEVER drank nor used dope nor guns nor violence & NO stealing )  but still  in said circle so to say so i do know some about al this as well.        

[tyrantblade3500]

Oh, I ain't buying his alcohol - not to say I never did in the past, but nowhere near the amount he likes to drink, in the past it might have been a few cans of beer in exchange for him doing a beer run , but that's it; far from enough to allow him to drink all day like he does when my dad sends him money (or when he had a job and was buying his own alcohol; even drinking at times BEFORE his work shift)

[Baby Girl Sarah]

Thats  good to read dear  . Well   as we said   those money SHOULD go to YOU and youre mom and to the household.    If he wont's to eat  and have roof over his head  etc...     HELP  contribute   if not  well   .............   (again NOT saying sayonara  BUT HE dont need to know this  let him know either contribute   according to his  funds   or  things will go a different route   (ie scare him in to actually believe he  better step up  or things arent  going to be good  for him  )  And as i said   AD PRESSURE on him to get  with the program  (Shore he will fight  and  protest  and argue and try to manipulate both you and  youre mom  as well as youre dad  to contribute to him as he is so young and im so  sorry  but i feel so bad  due to ...............   BUT  you both (and youre dad  ) needs to  stand  against al that  (NOT easy i know  but thats what you need to do )          

Addicts  are VERY good at manipulating there surroundings   there  needs  and they will use  EVERY angel you give them against  you   to crack and surrender.                            

[tyrantblade3500]

Well, there is some hope that maybe he will get his old job back, but hopefully they aren't just giving him the run around again.

Also our mom came up with rules for him that basically include cleaning the house, taking care of the animals, and most importantly to not leave My Dog Loose unsupervised; he already did that and lost her twice; the second time my cousin found the dogs on the street and brought them back home.

The 3rd time I came back from work and luckily my dog was staying at the back door.

I don't know what I'm gonna do to my brother if he loses my dog again because he forgets, or gets too drunk, or whatever.

I love my dog so much, she is a bit odd and too full of energy sometimes, but she is very nice with basically everybody, she just wants love and attention (basically all the time) and seems to guard the family, like she HAS to be right next to you, and she sleeps right beside me.

Last time she got loose and I had to sleep without her I was so worried I could not sleep very good.

The excuses are done and that is the #1 unbreakable rule

[Baby Girl Sarah]

6 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

Well, there is some hope that maybe he will get his old job back, but hopefully they aren't just giving him the run around again.

Also our mom came up with rules for him that basically include cleaning the house, taking care of the animals, and most importantly to not leave My Dog Loose unsupervised; he already did that and lost her twice; the second time my cousin found the dogs on the street and brought them back home.

The 3rd time I came back from work and luckily my dog was staying at the back door.

I don't know what I'm gonna do to my brother if he loses my dog again because he forgets, or gets too drunk, or whatever.

I love my dog so much, she is a bit odd and too full of energy sometimes, but she is very nice with basically everybody, she just wants love and attention (basically all the time) and seems to guard the family, like she HAS to be right next to you, and she sleeps right beside me.

Last time she got loose and I had to sleep without her I was so worried I could not sleep very good.

The excuses are done and that is the #1 unbreakable rule

You just have to hope and see   dear 

Sounds  good  with the rules  BUT  she forgot NO drinking  in the house   PERIOD , may i suggest you perhaps  build a tall  mostly (every dog can jump  pretty high,  also well secured at the  bottom so they cant dig out )  dog yard were said dog /dogs can be safe  during youre working hoers ?  With lock that HE dont have access to (oh and of course make shore they have access to some shade and plenty of water . I wouldn't  leave any animals under his supervision . 

See above  reply (pointing  up )       

I understand   BUT in al honesty its YOUR  responsibility to make shore said dog  is takend care of safely dear   and as its  clear  youe brother is un fit  you have to find another way to do this dear. 

Sounds like  lovely dog  indeed  .

Perfectly understandable 

I agree  BUT as i also said   he SHOULDENT have said  responsibility  You wouldn't  trust him with taking care  of  a kid  would you ?    +  as i also said  NO DRINKING IN HOUSE  PERIOD ,and after  getting job CONTRIBUTE to the Household  costs .     

Youre on the right way   so keep it up        

            

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

Stop being an enabler, and therefore part of, and the other half of, the insanity.  That  means you both get professional counselloing.  Set realistic goals, rules and alternative behaviors (the biggest error made by those who wish to eliminate a behavior or behaviors is failing to replace them), and a decent amount of time for him to straighten up and fly right, and he goes into treatment, preferably cognitive or Rationa-Emotive therapy https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=penn+%26+teller+bullshit+a+a  There are 3 things you want to engender; informed choice, responsibility and a win at the end of the road.  If allowed to continue, this will affect you. If he does not want to come around then out the door. Remember Nicole Brown Simpson was beaten SEVEN times before she was killed

[tyrantblade3500]

The dogs cant be left outside, its NY and the middle of winter, and he is usually responsible, unless he is Tanked, which only happens if he has money, and I really don't have a choice in the matter as hes the only one not working.

As far as getting him to not drink, that probably isn't gonna happen unless he goes to rehab and decides to actually stop drinking.

But at least if he is broke he ain't gonna be able to get tanked for the time being.

[Baby Girl Sarah]

We do have winters  over here as well dear  both LOADS of snow  and DARN cold as well i would ad  (wink)   HOWEVER  i understand  SO what you then can do is provide a insulated  shelter for the dogs (dont need to be that big or expensive or fancy  )  to be able to get some warmth   (cool face ), the problem here is  as you said  youre self  he IS tanked  more times then not  according to youre  own statements . May i ask  what breed  ? Or is it a mix  breed   (said  breeds  if you know them ).  The problem with this choice is as you stated youre self  he CANT be trusted  dear  (and NO im not trying to get you to get rid  of the dog  i would NEVER  do that )  BUT we need to find a  solution were  youre brother dont need to be involved  dear. Have you thought of trying to find  a  TRUSTWORTHY day  keeper for youre dog ?                   

I had  MANY years of experience of having dogs  i should ad  (and NO im not pro   ) 

I agree  and its HIS choice  to make  you cant sadly force a drunk or drug addict  to quit  unless he /she wants  too                          

[tyrantblade3500]

He is usually broke, he only has money to buy alcohol if my dad sends it to him, which isnt that often; so my brother is reliable more often than not because he doesn't have money for alcohol all the time and he ain't getting it from me or my mom.

If my brother wasn't home (due to working) and the dogs trashed the house, oh well, the house can be cleaned (and no dogs lost) but as long as my brother is home and not going anywhere or doing anything he can be relied on most of the time to watch the dogs; and I told him, no more losing the dog, so he has to BUY less alcohol (that's the only way he can control it) or he will not be allowed to drink at all.

And she is a White Furred Pit-Bull so if she gets loose people can get afraid and she will be caught and taken to Doggy Jail again, so it cant be allowed happen.

[Baby Girl Sarah]

Well thats  something  utliest  

fare enough  i hear you on that one.  Well  i can only go what youre writing  not  to mention you know him  better then me  obviously &  as log  as  this works  then its al good with the dogs  id say   

A  yes we sadly have those  cind  of problems over here  as well.   Its so SAD  that just because they are this  or that breed they are   automatically  judged as dangerous killer breed  wich they are infact NOT its  NOT the breeds  fault its the owners  of  said breed  that sadly have tought and trained there dogs for fighting  etc...  (and sadly its also some cind of status  dog  for the  criminal element )  you can get ANY breed to become killer .  And yes i agree  if she would get loose again the risks arent only the  doggy jail  but also  end her life  due to her breed and this as you say CANT happen.

And reg winter  and sed  breed  yeah i see what you mean they arent as equipped for  winters outside al day no.  Well  maybe youre talk and  mum  and youres  new  rules  will help him stay of the booze BUT you will al need to remain FIRM on said  rules  dear.

As i Said  before  i DO believe  you and youre mom is on the right track here  BUT its gonna take  some TOUGH  love and LOADS of patience and FIRM rules.  Reg youe dad  talk to him and TELL him if he wont's to send money fine but  do it to the  household account  so that the brother CANT  use it on booze (i seriously dought youre dad wants to see  his  younger son join him in this shitty lifestyle he is in /or  has been as recovering  alcoholic    ) i haven't met or talked  to ANY alcoholic /drug addict with children that wont there kids to join them in this life stile  (and im talking about SEVERE   drunks /dopers  mind you there whole life is about getting drunk /high  from morning to dusk )                                          

[horrorfan]

I don't intend to start anything, but you seem a bit more concerned for your dog than for your brother. I get how easy it is to look down on other people that aren't pulling their own weight, but your brother can change. He needs help. Try being a little more supportive and a little less condemning. 

[Baby Girl Sarah]

42 minutes ago, horrorfan said:

I don't intend to start anything, but you seem a bit more concerned for your dog than for your brother. I get how easy it is to look down on other people that aren't pulling their own weight, but your brother can change. He needs help. Try being a little more supportive and a little less condemning. 

Horrofan dear  as  an  EXPERT in misreading  things  (more so in my own  life actually NO problems helping and understand others)   i believe you misunderstood  this dear, he is VERY supporting to his brother  and he took him under  his protection when i tried to detach his brother from taking care of the dog, and had he looked down as mush on his brother as you claim he would throw him out on the street  hon . That he cares for his dog  i can relate to 101 %  as i would die for al my previous dogs and AL my pets.   And the fact that he is in here and ask for advice's and support   should tell you he REALLY  wants to help his brother dear.                     

[horrorfan]

If it is a misunderstanding then I apologize. I have had an addict relative before and that story did not have a happy ending.

[tyrantblade3500]

I'm still not sure quite what is gonna happ6in the near future, but I am trying to get things going in the right direction and have given him the compromise just once, if he can't mind the compromise (buy less alcohol so he drinks less and therefore shouldn't forget about my dog and lose her, for the 3rd time), then next step is no alcohol at all.

And either way, he does need to get a job and that is why I keep taking away the power cables to my 2 TVs and the 2 portable video game systems, both things combined should start making him realize it's no longer have fun/party full time while I pay for all these Bill's and I bought Both TVs and all the 3 systems, and all the controllers and games; so he literally has no right to complain/say it is unfair.

[Baby Girl Sarah]

9 hours ago, horrorfan said:

If it is a misunderstanding then I apologize. I have had an addict relative before and that story did not have a happy ending.

Horrofan from my  side  were al GOOD  DEAR ,  oh i have  plenty  not happy endings from my time  with HEAVY drunks and   Dopers  and HEAVY Psychic  diagnosis and illness     so i can easy relate  dear .     

7 hours ago, tyrantblade3500 said:

I'm still not sure quite what is gonna happ6in the near future, but I am trying to get things going in the right direction and have given him the compromise just once, if he can't mind the compromise (buy less alcohol so he drinks less and therefore shouldn't forget about my dog and lose her, for the 3rd time), then next step is no alcohol at all.

And either way, he does need to get a job and that is why I keep taking away the power cables to my 2 TVs and the 2 portable video game systems, both things combined should start making him realize it's no longer have fun/party full time while I pay for all these Bill's and I bought Both TVs and all the 3 systems, and all the controllers and games; so he literally has no right to complain/say it is unfair.

NOONE can  know about the future dear   ,    NOW were talking   dear   ,However i must sadly say and feel free to ask   ANY  Sober  alcholist for  them  even a small amount of  alcohol   is  poison and will get them straight down the  pit again dear.    for  them  the  ONLY way  is  NO  alcohol EVER   im afraid 

Oh i agree 101  %   on that .  I agree  youe doing the RIGHT thing  for youre brother  dear  and youre a GOOD brother                         

[horrorfan]

I agree with Baby Girl Sarah on this. Addictions aren't something that can just be moderated with a few rules. They hijack the brain and make it difficult to resist the  cravings for pleasure. As soon as an alcoholic partakes, their brain craves more in order to recreate the sensation it craves, which requires increasingly higher doses as the body's immunity to the substance develops. The same is true of any addiction. He may need a little more help than just imposing a few rules to hopefully keep him in line. Hate to say this, but you may want to think of him as a child that can't be left unsupervised, which, I agree, is not fair, but may be the reality of the situation.

[Baby Girl Sarah]

I Wholeheartedly agree on that statement´t  horrorfan dear   

[Bettypooh]

When you're an addict, you are not thinking correctly. Nobody would choose to have all the bad things which an addiction brings when so much better is easily possible. But under the influence, you do not see that; indeed you cannot see it. All you can see is that 'a little bit right now would make me feel better' which makes you think it's the solution to the problem, not the cause of all your problems. Your system has to be entirely clear of the substance before you can make any progress in getting your mind to function correctly. The first step is stopping and staying stopped. Nothing good can happen without that.

I wish you luck with your approach but I honestly think that at best, you might get him out of the house, though he will probably just go to where his addiction is better tolerated. That might even be on the mean streets, but it's his choice and you have to know that you did nothing to force that decision even if you have to kick him out. The terms you offered for him staying there are not excessive in any way. But he's not going to follow them because that's what addicts are like. Oh he may do OK for awhile, but he's going to go right back to where he was because that's what he wants to do. Anything you do which makes it easier for an addict to stay addicted is enabling them to keep being that way. You can verbally express love and care and concern, but you also have to limit your support to that alone until they make the decision to stop their use of the addicting substance. Only then can your actions do any real and lasting good for them. 

It's hard to chop off an integral part of yourself but cutting off someone you love, but otherwise there is no hope for them and that just makes the pain you feel stronger and longer-lasting. It took me 5 years to deal with my cessation of support for my best friend who returned to drugs after years of being out of their grip. We both knew the drugs would kill him because of his health issues. Here nearly ten years on I am only now able to understand and accept that he choose that as the easiest way out of a physically painful life which he saw as hopeless and boring. I can now see me making a similar choice when my life reaches a similar point. I've spent ten years getting over the fact that I added to his misery when I cut off my financial support, but I could not live with myself funding or enabling his addiction, so I really had no choice either. He knew what his choice would bring and he chose it- there was nothing else I could do to stop it. It still hurts and it always will, but now I know that I did the best thing for me and him both.

I hope your brother will see and take this last chance to get rid of his addiction while he still has family close at hand to help him through- sometimes that does happen- but prepare for it not happening like that because it probably won't. Just know in your heart that you did everything good and right, and always be ready to be there for him if he makes the decision to stop because he's going to need you then more than ever.

Bettypooh