This is not how things should go!!!?

[baby-dandan]

   Well, things just seem to get more fucked up day by day! If you have read some of my other posts you probably know that I lost my brother back in 2015. Before that, I lost my girlfriend in 2014, my biological dad  died a few months before my brother was killed and at the beginning of this year; both my grandparents died about a month apart. I was absent from DD for a few years and it was during that time that all this shit happened. Now, I ask myself; Can things get any worse? The answer is; You bet your sweet ass it can!

  My step-father, who is more like a real father to me; He is now in the hospital facing triple bi-pass heart surgery. It all started a few months ago I guess. My step father has diabetes and I guess he doesn’t feel pain like you normally should. He went in for a echocardiogram and it revealed that he had had two heart attacks. The tissue around the heart is quite damaged and the doctors don’t know if it can repair itself. He is set to go in for surgery on Monday and I think if the tissue doesn’t repair itself they may have to put in a mechanical heart. You will have to forgive me, I don’t know all the medical terms and the order of prosejures that take place so if something does’t fit I apologize. 

  I tend to be a pretty private person. I don’t share my feelings or emotions very often so I rarely will put anything on Facebook of how I’m feeling or how things are effecting me. I know a lot of people will post every little detail about themselves but that’s not me. A lot of my friends and Family had no idea my girlfriend had passed away until recently because I tend to keep things bottled up. I am really scared right now though!! During times like this you don’t want to think about the worst case scenario but I can’t help but think it could possibly turn out that way: I could lose my dad? I need to stay positive though! That is the only way I will stay sane. My brother always told me I was the toughest person he ever knew but if my worst fears come true I just don’t know if I could hold it together!

 On top of all this; it is my Birthday today.

 

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

Hi Baby dandan, man that is a lot of very tough stuff you are going through. I can't relate to any of those experiences, however I can relate to being a private person & bottling things up instead of sharing things with others. I understand how hard it is to do this & I have also come to realize that holding everything in isn't healthy either, I am trying to work on letting others know/help me when times are going tough, but it is a struggle. Just letting you know that you aren't alone & that I know part of the struggle. *Hugs*

[Bettypooh]

Wish your birthday were a happier one. I lost my dear Mom just over half a year ago and I'm not over it yet. Even us "strong ones" have a breaking point but after the breakdown is over, you pick up and go on simply because you have to. My time is coming too. Last night as I waited at the local restaurant for a take-out order to get cooked, a younger couple came in with an elderly woman, obviously she was Mom to one of them. I first felt proud of the young couple, for far too many young couples would not take Mom out to dinner. Then I felt glad that their Mom could at least be there with them; most of the last year of my Mom's life she couldn't get around well enough to go out for our Sunday lunches anymore so we had them in her Nursing Home. I wanted to do something or say something to that couple, letting them know how much I thought of what they were doing but I couldn't figure out how. Then it hit me all at once how much I really miss my Mom and I almost broke down in tears right then and there. I've not yet feel apart over losing Mom but I knew it would happen sooner or later, and I think it won't be long. Twice in life I've lost my best friend. I lost my Dad when I was 11. I've lost all but 2 of my close friends. My three siblings are all I have left and they're all older than me. I had to be the strong one to get them through losing Mom so I did- they needed that. Now it's going to be my turn soon, and really I have nobody to turn to. My family doesn't understand me even though they love me anyway, the only friend I have locally cares deeply but she doesn't understand me either. I'm going to have to go through this all alone once again, just like I've had to do three times before. It's not going to be easy- it never is. Death is part of life- they come together- and we have to deal with both. All we can do is make the best of life till death intervenes and changes things permanently.

Just be sure that the people who care about you know that you might need some extra sympathy and support should things not go well for your step-Dad. And know that there's a whole lot of others out here who also care. You'll get through somehow, maybe battered and bruised and crying, but you'll make it. Now just go and do the best you can because that's all you can do, and don't forget to let those who you care about know how much they mean to you right now, for someday we are all going to go and nobody knows when that will be.

Bettypooh

[baby-dandan]

   Thank you for the responses you guys! I know I will always find friendly support when I share here. Bettypooh I am so sorry about your losses! I need to remain positive cause I still have my father but it just freaks me out to imagine the “what if’s” and when the doctors come give you the possible scenarios of what could happen those bad outcomes seem to dominate my thoughts. These past couple years I think I have been trying to stay strong for my mom over my brother’s death and now I am finally at my grieving stage. Two times I have tried to return to work only to leave for a couple months again. I am so fortunate though to have people who fully support me and that will not give up on me. They have said that whenever I am ready to come back to work, they will be happy to have me back. There have been a lot of the customers I have helped over the years on a daily basis ask about me every time they are at the store. I guess I never realized the impact the kindness I was showing people from day to day had on them. 

   Rockies Fan in Diapers, I have also been told that keeping your feelings and emotions bottled up can be unhealthy. There have been times I have “erupted” on people and went into a raging cursing fit, sometimes at home and a couple times at work. When I go into these fit I never physically hurt other people but just end up hurting myself; be it cutting my wrists or punching doors and causing my knuckles to bleed. I never took into account that by hurting myself physically was hurting others emotionally.

   I hope I don’t annoy people here by always taking about the loss of my brother or some of my disabilities. I know we have all have some sort of disability or have suffered a loss in one way or another and I never mean to put my struggles ahead of anyone else. That is just something that I constantly worry about is that I might have annoyed people or offended anyone. I guess that is part of my anxiety and I am working on how to deal with that in other ways. I just appreciate the understanding and friendship of people here. Thanks!