A.B.+D.L.=<3 (Interlude Pt 1/3 Posted 12/5)

[ELLIE52]

It was mostly to poke light fun of your "I can't confirm or deny."  But yeah, so do I.

[ELLIE52]

I caught up this morning, just now.  It seems Dawn is having a breakdown, sort of or just a reaction from her parents' arguments and split because of her babytime.  Not a split personality.  Has she just entered The System?  I am really liking the story that doesn't come from a vacuum.

[Wannatripbaby]

29 minutes ago, ELLIE52 said:

 It seems Dawn is having a breakdown, sort of or just a reaction from her parents' arguments and split because of her babytime.  Not a split personality

The Split-personalitytheory was based on a typo that Lamby has since corrected, I believe.

[RambleLamb]

1 hour ago, ELLIE52 said:

I caught up this morning, just now.  It seems Dawn is having a breakdown, sort of or just a reaction from her parents' arguments and split because of her babytime.  Not a split personality.  Has she just entered The System?  I am really liking the story that doesn't come from a vacuum.

Dawn isn't having a "breakdown" in the strictest sense, she's dealing with her world falling apart around her, normal becoming foreign and the dark unknown creeping around every corner. I drew on a little bit of personal experience for her collapse, when I was in high school I would only eat once a day because I was concerned about gaining weight and I had terrible insomnia because I couldn't shut my head off, anyway, one morning I took some allergy pills and the combination of very little sleep and food mixed with pills made me blackout in the quad. It was really scary and I tried to capture the feeling the best way I could and use it for her. #background

As far as her going into The System, we'll see soon! Maybe she has and maybe she hasn't, but one thing is for sure, the kids aren't alright.

1 hour ago, Wannatripbaby said:

The Split-personalitytheory was based on a typo that Lamby has since corrected, I believe.

I think she just meant an emotional disconnect because of all her securities being in a state of upheaval. It's really fucked up what I'm doing to these poor little girls, I hope they turn out okay and not emotional wrecks with a really terrible codependent relationship that shouldn't exist but will until it destroys both parties...

[ELLIE52]

I'm hoping we'll see another chapter soon.  Once I start waiting for chapters, sometimes I never get back, although that has not been the case with your stories.  So What's Up with the new backdrop to your profile?   You worry me.

This story is sort of sad.  I've been trying to stay away from sad stories, as I am soooo sad right now.  But here I am, reading your sad, sad story and wanting the next installment.

[RambleLamb]

13 hours ago, ELLIE52 said:

I'm hoping we'll see another chapter soon.  Once I start waiting for chapters, sometimes I never get back, although that has not been the case with your stories.  So What's Up with the new backdrop to your profile?   You worry me.

This story is sort of sad.  I've been trying to stay away from sad stories, as I am soooo sad right now.  But here I am, reading your sad, sad story and wanting the next installment.

This story is sad, sadder than intended it to be, but all this drama has a greater purpose and the clouds will break and good things will happen. At the end of the day, I don't want anyone to get more depressed by reading my work, but all of this is important to the story so choose your own adventure and whatnot.

My backdrop is Lying Cat from Saga, it's my most favorite comic but that was the only picture I could find that didn't look completely assy when I put it up. You get what you pay for I suppose. EDIT: I found a Ghüs and Friendo picture that is a million times better!

[CDfm]

This was such a heartbreaking story at this point. I cried when reading this. Just being able to share her story had to make Dawn feel as though a huge weight had been lifted from her. Heck I want to go push her on the swings and carry her on my shoulders. I thought it was interesting that when she described how her dad would flip her off his shoulders was exactly like how I did it with my kids. I want to take time and baby Dawn. I want to show her she is still loved and that people care about her and know she is special. I really wish I could give it a like now but I have run out again. I think I just have to come back ANG give this one a like though. 

[RambleLamb]

5 hours ago, CDfm said:

This was such a heartbreaking story at this point. I cried when reading this. Just being able to share her story had to make Dawn feel as though a huge weight had been lifted from her. Heck I want to go push her on the swings and carry her on my shoulders. I thought it was interesting that when she described how her dad would flip her off his shoulders was exactly like how I did it with my kids. I want to take time and baby Dawn. I want to show her she is still loved and that people care about her and know she is special. I really wish I could give it a like now but I have run out again. I think I just have to come back ANG give this one a like though. 

Wow, I'm really glad that the story is resonating with you so greatly, I wish it wasn't such a bummer but I'm very happy with the story being told. Good times will come, just like in real life, I just hope people will continue slogging through the bad to get there. Thanks for reading and commenting!

[RambleLamb]

Artists listened to on shuffle during the writing of this chapter: Modest Mouse, The Offspring, Blink-182, Korn, Nelly, Red Hot Chili Peppers, All-American Rejects, Nirvana, Queen, Notorious B.I.G., 2Pac, Cake, Eminem, Rage Against the Machine, DMX, Beastie Boys, Weezer, 3 Doors Down, Green Day, The Killers, Tiger Army, The Verve, The Game, Social Distortion, Salt-N-Pepa, AC/DC, Kendrick Lamar, Slipknot, System of a Down, Trapt, Jet, Incubus, Fall Out Boy, Def Leppard

 

Part Two: The Kids Aren't Alright

 

Chapter Two: Fuck the System

 

"This mood of yours is temporary

 

It seems worth the wait to see you smile again

 

Out of the corner of your eye

 

Won't be the only way you'll look at me then"

 

Dashboard Confessional - "Again I Go Unnoticed"

 

When Herby, that's the name I decided on for my bear, and I woke up a man was picking me up from the carseat and I nuzzled against his chest and put my thumb in my mouth and mumbled for 'Daddy'. I felt his strong hand gently rubbing my back as he held me to him and carried me from the car. My heart swelled, it had all been a terrible dream, Mommy and Daddy hadn't been fighting or getting divorced, they weren't making me be a big girl, I was still their baby after all. Everything felt warm again and I savored the little feeling of being in my Daddy's big, strong arms and slipped back to sleep.

 

When I woke up it was dark outside and in the room I was in, a room that I didn't recognize. I clutched Herby to me and crawled to the edge of the bed, the metal springs of the older piece of furniture squealing loudly with every movement until I was able to put my feet on the floor and leave the bed completely. I could hear snoring somewhere else in the room but could only make out several other beds, some of which clearly had other kids sleeping in them. I shivered slightly, feeling the too big sweatpants I'd left school wearing clinging wetly to my legs, indicating I'd wet the bed in my sleep. My mind struggled to comprehend why my parents wouldn't have put a diaper on me for bed, and why they'd brought me to this place instead of taking me home.

 

Padding out of the room I found myself in a large hallway, dingy linoleum being illuminated by flickering florescent overhead lights. The hallway smelled like the bathroom at school with a strong scent of some sort of cleaning agent trying to overpower the smell of urine and feces. The hallway was full of clutter, toys of all kinds for various age ranges strewn about as though all the kids had simply vanished in the middle of playing. I walked to the end of the hall, passing by open doors with more beds and more sleeping kids, coming to a desk with the lady from the school sitting at it, typing on the computer.

 

I sniffled and shuddered again and she turned around quickly, her hand going to her chest as she gasped.

 

"You scared me, honey!" she exclaimed in a hushed whisper before rising to her feet and coming around the desk to me, noticing the dark stain on my too big sweatpants. "Uh oh." she said quietly, giving me a sympathetic look as she reached down and took my hand in hers, leading me back down the hall to the bathroom at the other end, opening the door and ushering me in as she turned on the light.

 

The naked bulb hanging from the ceiling lit up the room revealing a single toilet that was as dingy looking as the  linoleum floor in the hallway. On the wall was a baby changing station, the outer portion of it graffiti tagged with nonsense words and dirty words and pictures alike.

 

"I need you to stay here for just a minute while I go get some things to change you into, can you be a good girl and stay in this room and not wander off?" she asked me.

 

I nodded and hugged Herby, my thumb slipping into my mouth as she left me in the bathroom alone.

 

The smell in the bathroom wasn't unfamiliar to me, the acrid scent of stale urine assaulting my nostrils as I breathed in through my nose as I sucked my thumb nervously. One of the things written on the changing table caught my eye and I stood staring at it, "You belong here." was scrawled above the decal on in the center of the outer cover, the round sticker partly peeled at the top.

 

Pulling my thumb from my mouth, I reached out and grabbed the edge of the sticker, pulling it away slowly to reveal more writing.

 

"You're such a fucking baby." was exposed, causing me to whimper and feel guilty about my infantile actions up to this point.

 

I continued pulling on the sticker. "No one will ever love you if you keep acting like a baby." was the final bit of writing, and my thumb shot back into my mouth to stifle the hurt sobs that began to escape my lips.

 

"Dawn?" the ladies voice asked suddenly as she reentered the bathroom.

 

I clutched Herby and snapped my attention to her, looking back to the changing table to see that the sticker was back in place and only vague gang related scrawlings were now visible. Very confused, and still tired, I quieted down and continued sucking my thumb as the table was opened and I was lifted onto it, my too big sweatpants and underwear removed to allow the cool baby wipes to clean me up.

 

"I know you're not a baby, but I think maybe for now we should make sure you're protected from any more accidents." the lady explained as the familiar rustling of a diaper being opened filled the small bathroom, the softness of it under my bottom as my legs were lifted and I was lowered onto it, the calming scent of powder as my diaper area was dusted and finally the snug and safe feeling of the diaper being taped around my waist.

 

"Where am I?" I finally asked as she went to the small sink and washed her hands.

 

"This is a place where kids like you come when they need help and they don't have a Mommy or Daddy to help them." she explained in a gentle tone meant for a child younger than my actual age.

 

I shook my head and hugged Herby to my chest. "I have a Mommy and Daddy!" I wailed.

 

She dried her hands and picked me up, holding me to her, her arm supporting my bottom as she hugged me and rubbed my back slowly in little circles. "Sweetie, we haven't been able to talk to them just yet, that's why you're here." she explained. "We can't let a little girl with special needs go without someone to take care of her, right?" she asked.

 

I was very tired still and her words weren't making any of this less confusing or upsetting so I just sucked my thumb and lay my head against her shoulder.

 

We left the bathroom and she carried me down the long hallway, passing the room I'd come out of when I woke up and going all the way to the end of the hall to another door. She opened the door slowly and quietly crept inside, moving to the far corner of the room beneath the window, light creeping in from a streetlight outside revealing a room with half a dozen metal cribs like the ones in the hospital and laid me down on the crinkling mattress before she slowly pulled the side up, the metal squeaking loudly as it rose and thunked into place causing several of the rooms other occupants to wake and begin wailing.

 

She sighed heavily and quickly went to a small shelf behind her and returned with something that she inserted into my mouth after removing my thumb. "Go back to sleep now, sweetie, we'll figure all of this out in the morning." she said before leaving the side of my crib and walking out of the room, closing the door behind her.

 

In a room full of crying babies, in a crib, sucking on a pacifier with a diaper taped around my waist I felt something click inside my head, a realization that this was where I belonged. I looked out through the bars past my feet and saw the little arms and legs kicking and wiggling inside their own cribs, I smelled wet and dirty diapers now, and heard the little wails of my fellow infants and knew that I was no different from the rest of them. I felt like Mommy and Daddy had learned that I was really just a baby and had decided they didn't want that and had just let me go, leaving me to go to a place where babies lived and waited for parents that wanted them.

 

******************************************************************************

 

"Her father was in the drunk tank downtown, apparently he assaulted someone in the bar he was spiraling out in. Her mother returned our call this morning, she decided to mix wine and a sleeping pill while the girl was at school, so clearly we're dealing with a textbook case of shitty parenting." the lady was saying to the man behind the desk.

 

"Ms. Jones, do you think that's an appropriate thing to say in front of the child?" the man asked as he gestured to where I sat on a little plastic chair in the corner at a small table coloring in a drawing I'd been told to do.

 

"If I thought she was able to understand what I was saying I wouldn't say it." she said flatly. "The truth is, I think she's pretty much retreated into her "safe space"" she explained making little bunny ears with her fingers. "When I talked to her at the school she said that her parents used to treat her like a baby but then they started fighting and expected her to grow up, and I think she's regressing to try and insulate herself from the divorce and the obvious shit parenting that's going on at home."

 

"Here's the thing," the desk man began, his voice lowering to a whisper, "no one is going to adopt a seven year old that needs to be cared for like an infant. We're overcrowded with kids no one wants already, and we're not equipped to deal with a child with such emotional and developmental issues." he explained. "We either turn her back over to her parents, find a relative or family friend to take her, or we ship her off to the loony bin where she can have a terrible rest of her life. I advise you pick one of the first two options and move on to another kid."

 

"Hank, look at her." Ms. Jones said, turning to face me as he leaned over and looked past her to me.

 

I colored in the diaper of the baby in my picture with my yellow crayon gripped clumsily in my clenched fist like I was holding a knife and dragging it across the paper. My diaper was cooling off from my wetting a few minutes earlier and the baby in the picture needed to have a wet diaper too so Ms. Jones would know that I needed to be changed soon. I used the black crayon to draw a sad face on the baby and a blue crayon to make tears on her face with some flying off her head.

 

I sucked my pacifier to keep from crying like the baby in the picture. I could hear them talking about Mommy and Daddy and about me but they didn't think I could understand because I was just a baby and I didn't think they'd be happy with me if I corrected them, so I just colored my sad, wet baby drawing and pushed my sadness way down deep inside my tummy.

 

"Look, I know she's in a bad position, but I honestly don't have the resources to help her in the way she needs." the desk man said. "I want her file closed by the end of the day and I want the little Pyromaniac you're also assigned to dealt with as well, got it?" he asked.

 

Ms. Jones stood up and sighed. "Yes sir." she said before going to me and picking me up to carry me out of the room, leaving me to watch as my unfinished drawing sat abandoned on the table, the sad, wet baby left alone and forgotten, just like the girl she was based on.

 

******************************************************************************

 

A dry diaper later and I found myself laying on Ms. Jones' lap as she fed me a baby bottle of apple juice, looking down at me sympathetically.

 

"It looks like you're going home today, Dawn." she said quietly. "I wish there was something else I could do to help you, but-" she stopped and sighed, forcing a smile, "you're a very special little girl and you deserve better than what you're getting but the system just isn't able to help all the kids that need help." she finally said.

 

I finished the bottle and burped as Ms. Jones sat me up and patted my back softly as I looked over her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her to hug her as tight as I could. "I have a friend, well, I don't know if she's still my friend, but if she is then she's my best friend in the whole world and she went away for a while because she turned into a baby but then she got better and was a big girl again." I told her. "I know that I'm not a baby for reals cuz I'm bigger than a real baby but when I'm taken care of like a baby it makes me forget how big I am and I feel little and safe and happy and Mommy and Daddy used to be the only ones that would make me feel that way but now you did too and maybe that means I can be a big girl like Mommy and Daddy want me to be but be a baby with someone else, like you." I said, trying to articulate the ridiculously complicated emotions brewing inside me.

 

Ms. Jones returned my hug and rubbed my back gently. "Oh, sweetheart," she began, her words tinged with hurt and sadness for me, "don't let anyone make you feel like you can't be yourself. It may not be normal for a big girl to want to be a baby, but it doesn't make you wrong or bad. If it makes you feel safe and happy then you should do it." she told me. "Just make sure you do it when it's okay to do it, not at school or where people might not understand and might think you're in trouble." she added.

 

I nodded, not because I understood what she meant, I didn't, not fully, but I understood that she was hugging me and she meant it, and I started crying because I couldn't remember the last time a grownup had hugged me and meant it. I needed that hug more than anything else, more than I needed the dry diaper or the bottle or the news that I was going back home, that hug centered me and brought me back from the brink of following in Alina's footsteps and giving up my big girl status for the role of baby. Even though I never saw Ms. Jones after that day, I never forgot her or that hug. It was the last time for a very long time that someone hugged me and conveyed genuine love and concern and wasn't just putting their arms around me and pressing their body against mine.

 

Only one other person in my life ever hugged me as sincerely after that day, and if it had been the person I needed it to be then maybe things would have turned out differently, but we'll never know if that's the case or not.

[Wannatripbaby]

Another amazing chapter! ♡♡♡

1 hour ago, RambleLamb said:

"You're such a fucking baby." was exposed, causing me to whimper and feel guilty about my infantile actions up to this point.

 

I continued pulling on the sticker. "No one will ever love you if you keep acting like a baby." was the final bit of writing, and my thumb shot back into my mouth to stifle the hurt sobs that began to escape my lips.

So... are we to believe Dawn is also delusional now? I find it hard to believe that someone, especially a kid, would have any reason or motive to write that on a changing table.

1 hour ago, RambleLamb said:

"I want her file closed by the end of the day and I want the little Pyromaniac you're also assigned to dealt with as well, got it?" he asked.

Hmm, I have a feeling that statement will be important later. Just a thought.

[RambleLamb]

19 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Another amazing chapter! ♡♡♡

So... are we to believe Dawn is also delusional now? I find it hard to believe that someone, especially a kid, would have any reason or motive to write that on a changing table.

Hmm, I have a feeling that statement will be important later. Just a thought.

"I clutched Herby and snapped my attention to her, looking back to the changing table to see that the sticker was back in place and only vague gang related scrawlings were now visible."

It would seem that Dawn is seeing things that aren't actually there. At least that's what I intended it to seem like. Her mind has quite a mouth on it though, tsk tsk.

I don't know if this story can handle a Pyromaniac, or maybe it can, we'll just have to see...:) 

[Wannatripbaby]

10 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

"I clutched Herby and snapped my attention to her, looking back to the changing table to see that the sticker was back in place and only vague gang related scrawlings were now visible."

It would seem that Dawn is seeing things that aren't actually there. At least that's what I intended it to seem like. Her mind has quite a mouth on it though, tsk tsk.

Ah. Sorry, I must've read that wrong. Thanks for clearing it up. :)

11 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

I don't know if this story can handle a Pyromaniac, or maybe it can, we'll just have to see...:) 

If anyone can fit a Pyromaniac into the story it's you, Lamby. ;)

[RambleLamb]

44 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Ah. Sorry, I must've read that wrong. Thanks for clearing it up.

If anyone can fit a Pyromaniac into the story it's you, Lamby.

This story needs more destructive forces like I need a hole in the head!

Although, if I need someone to die in a fire later...

[RambleLamb]

@Elfy This is the chapter in question.

To everyone else, depending on what the powers that be feel, this may be my last post here. If it is, I want you all to know that I am eternally grateful for having the opportunity to share my work and grow as a writer while interacting with so many wonderful people. I will still continue this story but will post it on my DA page going forward if it's found that this story breaks any sort of rules and must be removed or altered.

I didn't set out to write this story to have it be an issue or cause a problem for this board, but I will absolutely not make changes to my work if I feel that what it says is important to the narrative. Am I being stubborn? Sure. Am I wrong to believe that the voice of my work should be heard as is and not tinkered with or watered down because it happens to have underage characters? Maybe, but here we are.

Again, I respect the judgement of the Admins but I will take my ball and go home if what I feel is an unjust ruling comes down.

 

Part Two: The Kids Aren't Alright

 

Chapter Three: 3 The Hard Way

 

"Don't hold me up now

 

I can stand my own ground

 

I don't need your help now

 

You will let me down, down, down!"

 

Rise Against - "Prayer of the Refugee"

 

"My name is Dawn Lassiter and this is my first day at this school." I said quietly as I stood in front of the class looking at the small group of faces staring blankly at me. Being a public school, I saw boys in my class for the first time ever, and I was very nervous to say the least, my hands were sucked into the sleeves of my hoodie and I fiddled with the ribbed material in secret with my hidden fingers.

 

"We know that, Dawn, tell us about where you came from or what you like to do for fun." Mr. Graham, my new teacher coaxed.

 

I came from a way better school than this and I had two best friends, well, one best friend and one really good friend and now I have no friends. On the last day at my old school my friends told me that they were both coming up to my grade because they'd been doing so well that they were too smart for second grade, but they weren't telling me because they were happy, they were telling me because they were sad. Why would they tell me something they knew was sad when I was already sad because I was going away and would never see them again? Why wouldn't they just say goodbye and tell me they loved me and let me go?

 

My best friend hugged me and told me she would miss me, but her hug wasn't the same, she was hugging me with fake arms, like a doll that can only hug wrong because plastic isn't the same as skin. She said something to me, whispered it in my ear so only we would know about it, and I tried not to cry but I couldn't stop and then my other friend hugged me and they both thought I was crying because I would miss them but I was really crying because I missed myself. I missed the girl I used to be.

 

For fun I like to wear diapers and act like a baby and my parents are divorced and neither one of them really cares about me. My dad lives in a junk apartment downtown with his whore and when I stay with him she tells me how gross it is that I wet the bed and calls me a baby but not in a nice way, she says it with a mean face on and I cry myself to sleep on a bed that's too little because my dad says my bitch mom took him to the cleaners. I don't know where that is but it's not a very nice place because he always complains about going there.

 

My mom likes to have grownup juice all the time now, and she sometimes forgets to make dinner or pick me up from school so I have to walk home and it's kinda close but when I get home I usually have to make dinner and I'm not allowed to use the stove so I usually just have a sandwich or something. When my mom is asleep, which is a lot, I go into my room and put on a diaper and curl up in a little ball on my bed and suck my pacifier and hug the stuffed otter that my used to be best friend gave me and cry. I used to cry because I was sad that I didn't have my friend anymore and because I didn't have a family anymore, but now I cry because I have a hurt in my heart that's so bad I feel like I can't move or talk or do anything but lay there and cry.

 

I saw a movie one time where a lady hurt herself with a knife on her arms because she was sad and I think maybe she had the same sad I do but I'm not allowed to play with knives and I'm scared of how bad it would hurt to cut myself but maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad as my heart hurt or maybe it would make it so the heart hurt didn't hurt as bad.

 

All I really know is that I'm standing here in front of all these new faces and I don't want to be friends with any of them and I'm wondering if anyone would care if I just walked away and never came back. The end.

 

"I came from St. Abigail's Academy for Young Girls before this and I've never had boys in my class before." I said, causing giggles and whispers among the class. "For fun I like to listen to music and read." I added, ignoring my peers.

 

Mr. Graham stood up and thanked me, putting his hand on my back to usher me to take a seat off to the side of the rows of desks. The boy behind me looked like a jerk, his face like a bulldog eating a sour candy as he stared at me vacantly, looking through me as I took my seat. In front of me was a girl with little afro puffs on either side of the top of her head, she looked adorable and I wished I had fun hair like hers. Finally, to my right was a girl that looked like she had walked in off the street, her clothes were too big for her and were kind of dingy, like they'd been worn by several kids before they'd found their way to her. Her hair was full of snarls and little knots and I distinctly smelled stale sweat and urine coming from her, but I said nothing because no one else seemed to care so why should I?

 

******************************************************************************

 

My name is Celeste Johnson and I am the middle child of my family. My youngest sister is one, followed by my youngest brother who is four, I'm six and my older brother is ten and my oldest sister is twelve. I share a room with my younger sister, which means that I live in a nursery and that's pretty appropriate since neither my sister or I can keep our beds or pants dry all the time, at least she has an excuse though.

 

Up until I was around four I shared the crib with my brother, but when my sister was born they got me a toddler bed and had the two little ones sleep together. My little brother now has his own bed in the same room as my older brother and I still have a toddler bed in a nursery, this is all very damaging to my self esteem.

 

I think that my parents believe I'm a baby like my sister or my brother was before her. Aside from going to school, my routine is much the same as my sister's and it's become so common that I don't try to argue when I'm put into the bathtub with her or put to bed at the same time as her or made to take a nap when she does. Some of it is done because of convenience, if you have two kids in diapers why wouldn't you take care of them at the same time? I'm not a baby though, and my parents seem to forget that a lot of the time. On more than a handful of occasions I've been given a bottle of breast milk before bed and I don't know what to say to my parents when stuff like that happens.

 

My siblings aren't any better. When my older sister babysits she puts me in the playpen with my sister. I'm talked to in the same "I don't expect you to answer because you're just a baby" tone by everyone in my house more than I'm talked to like a six year old.

 

I found out that I'd done so good in first grade that the school was moving me to Third Grade and when I came home to give my parents the note that explained everything they took it and signed it without really looking at it because the baby had a cold, my little brother needed new shoes, my older brother wanted to ride his bike to his friend's house and my older sister was begging for a cell phone. Routine took hold and I was taken to the pediatrician with my sister, both of us in a carseat with nearly matching outfits comprised of little sundresses and plastic shoes adorned with a little white flower, pacifiers clipped to each of our dresses, mine purple with a little cartoon bumblebee on the front of the shield and my sister's pink with a little cartoon squirrel it.

 

Going from being told you were so smart and good at school that you're skipping over an entire grade to being weighed in just a diaper right next to your younger but somehow your equal sister at the pediatrician's office messes you up pretty bad. I don't try and complain about any of this anymore though, I've learned that no one will listen anyway, I just let whatever is going to happen happen and do my best to remember that I'm a big girl despite all evidence to the contrary at home.

 

When I met Alina and Dawn felt an instant connection to them. At first I just knew that Dawn wore training pants to school like I did, but over time I learned that Dawn like to play baby and I was really confused by that because I was treated like a baby at home and wished it wasn't the case, I was sure that after my sister grew up I'd be moved back into the crib and as all my siblings got older and left the house I'd still be in that nursery just a big baby for the rest of my life.

 

If Dawn hadn't been so sweet I don't think I would have liked her as much as I did Alina because she liked being what I hated being treated as, and when I looked at her I saw myself side by side with my sister, a bigger version of an actual baby, and I kind of hated that. I favored Alina over Dawn and didn't try to hide it at all, Alina and I kept secrets from Dawn and when she told us she was leaving our school I was so happy that I'd have Alina all to myself from then on but then the day came when she wasn't going to be around anymore and I was sad because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to fill the space she left in Alina's heart because I was just a timid little Mouse to everyone around me and a mouse was so tiny and the dawn filled the whole sky.

 

******************************************************************************

 

Third grade was when everything changed. It started with being there when I was supposed to be in second grade, and the swell of pride I felt at having come from that time I lost my mind a little bit to being in the same grade as my best friend. My happiness was dampened by my best friend going to a different school, the feeling of how unfair it was that I had finally made it to the same grade as her again and now we were further apart than before.

 

Mouse made things easier, but she wasn't Dawn. That sounds like a mean thing to say, but as much as I like Mouse, I don't love her, at least I don't love her the same way I love Dawn. When I think of Dawn I think of how happy she makes me, how special she is to me and how good she is at being my friend. When I think of Mouse I think of a little kitten that walks right next to your leg all the time so it can be close to you and then you trip over it and the kitten gets scared and you feel bad that you were mad at something so innocent and harmless.

 

Third grade is also when I learned I was gay even though I didn't really know what that meant. I'll give you a second to process that.

 

Good? Okay, moving on.

 

Dawn and Mouse came over to my house for a sleepover the weekend after school got out for the Summer. Mommy had gotten us all into our diapers for bed and Mouse basically passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow and Dawn climbed into the bed with me and cuddled up to me and I felt the butterflies start to flutter in my stomach like when I'm nervous but I was with Dawn and I was never nervous around her. I rolled over to face her and cuddled her back and she looked up at me and her blue eyes shimmered wetly in the dimness of the nightlight and I don't know why, but she was so beautiful and vulnerable in that moment and I moved my head down a few inches and kissed her on the lips.

 

I know, it's wildly inappropriate for six and seven year olds to kiss, but something in my head and heart told me that that's what I was supposed to do and it felt right! We didn't make out, it wasn't sexual in any way, I just kissed my best friend on the lips and it was different than anything else I'd ever experienced.

 

In the moment before our lips parted and she hurried out of the bed and back to her sleeping bag where she tried to keep her crying a secret from me and I fell asleep feeling like I'd ruined everything between us for a reason I didn't understand I felt like everything was perfect and made sense. Kissing Dawn felt so right that I never wanted to stop doing it, but her hands pushed into my chest and then she was gone as fast as she could get away.

 

The thing that hurt the most about the whole thing was that that's how things were left between me and Dawn for almost a whole year after that night. With all the things going on in her life and the new distance between us geographically, I was left thinking she hated me and that I was a freak for not only kissing her but for feeling so happy that I had, it's a terrible feeling to be happy about doing something you feel hurts someone you love so much, but we all have our crosses to bear.

 

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I had managed to mostly forget about my old life, my old school, and my old friends by the time Alina's birthday invitation came in the mail. I sat on my bed staring at the pink, glitter encrusted invitation with a cartoon princess on it for the better part of an hour, thinking about the last time I'd seen her and all my feelings of loneliness and regret came rushing back to the surface and even though the invitation lay crumpled up in the trash can next to my dresser I still knew it had come and knew that she would be sad I didn't respond and even sadder when I didn't show up, but how are you supposed to go to a birthday party for someone you're scared to be around because they kissed you and it was so nice and sweet and meant so much to you but they're not who you're supposed to have your first kiss with?

 

Had my mother been sober and conscious she would have called Alina's house to accept for me, but she was taking one of her naps and I was free to wallow in my own self pity and cry because I hadn't felt like doing that for a while and we can't have that now can we?

 

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When Dawn didn't show up to the party I knew it was time for me to step in and take her place as Alina's best friend. For whatever reason Alina still had it in her head that she and Dawn were best friends forever and ever, and nothing I did or said changed that. Could I tell Alina that Dawn was a jerk and she should forget about her and lean on me? No, that would just make her hate me for saying something negative about her beloved Dawn. Could I be there to pick up the pieces when the almighty Dawn let her down so completely that she wanted to cancel the party entirely and pout all the rest of the day? Absolutely!

 

I made sure I was there by her side the whole day, hugging her when she got sad and being silly to cheer her up, and little by little her mood brightened and by the time we were going to bed she was talking and giggling with me like only a best friend would.

 

A mouse can be greater than just a timid little thing that's quiet and scurries around to keep from getting stepped on, look at Mickey, he's known the whole world over and is more popular than a lot of other not mouse characters!

 

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Dawn had made her decision to not be a part of my life, and I had to live with that because I had no way to change her mind. Mouse became my best friend because she was there for me when Dawn wasn't, and even though I didn't feel the same way about Mouse as I did about Dawn, I knew that I couldn't spend my whole life being sad about a lost friendship or feeling regretful that I'd driven her away in the first place, all I could do was live my life and be happy and that's what I did.

 

When I did see Dawn again it was more awkward than I'd imagined it would be, not because of our kiss or the amount of time we'd gone without speaking, it was awkward because it was like the setup to a bad joke, 'a princess, a mouse, and a wannabe baby all walk into a pediatrician's office...', stop me if you've heard this one.

[ELLIE52]

You're such a good writer that I had to read this twice before posting.  I loved the way you captured a child's thoughts about things they don't know about .... like her dad being taken to the cleaners.

Mouse just slipped right in, didn't she?  Being best friends is such a big deal at that age.   Loved the chapter!

Back to the question.  I only see innocence.

[RambleLamb]

57 minutes ago, ELLIE52 said:

You're such a good writer that I had to read this twice before posting.  I loved the way you captured a child's thoughts about things they don't know about .... like her dad being taken to the cleaners.

Mouse just slipped right in, didn't she?  Being best friends is such a big deal at that age.   Loved the chapter!

Back to the question.  I only see innocence.

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! I was actually pretty proud of some of the things I managed to do in this chapter and scandal or whatever aside, I do think this is not only a strong effort but also a huge step in character progression in a positive direction.

[Wannatripbaby]

2 hours ago, RambleLamb said:

My best friend hugged me and told me she would miss me, but her hug wasn't the same, she was hugging me with fake arms, like a doll that can only hug wrong because plastic isn't the same as skin. She said something to me, whispered it in my ear so only we would know about it,

I thought it was Dawn who whispered in Alina's ear?

2 hours ago, RambleLamb said:

I was just a timid little Mouse to everyone around me and a mouse was so tiny and the dawn filled the whole sky.

OMG metaphor game is on point!!! ♡♡♡

Also as a Middle Child myself I feel I will continue to identify more and more with little Mouse.

As for the "controversial" kiss, you're definitely fine. As you clearly stated in the chapter, it wasn't sexual. The only reason someone might think it was is because American culture doesn't really do kissing between friends. Whereas there are PLENTY of other cultures where kissing your friends is perfectly normal. That said all this was. A friend-kiss. No more sexual than a hug or a handshake.

[RambleLamb]

4 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I thought it was Dawn who whispered in Alina's ear?

OMG metaphor game is on point!!! ♡♡♡

Also as a Middle Child myself I feel I will continue to identify more and more with little Mouse.

As for the "controversial" kiss, you're definitely fine. As you clearly stated in the chapter, it wasn't sexual. The only reason someone might think it was is because American culture doesn't really do kissing between friends. Whereas there are PLENTY of other cultures where kissing your friends is perfectly normal. That said all this was. A friend-kiss. No more sexual than a hug or a handshake.

Dawn DID whisper in Alina's ear BEFORE, when Dawn fell out at school and ended up going to the holding place for wayward kids. This whisper was different and we're not allowed to know what was whispered just yet.

I said earlier that Mouse is legit MVP of the story and everyone laughed at me but it's happening people, it cannot be stopped. Also, " I was just a timid little Mouse to everyone around me and a mouse was so tiny and the dawn filled the whole sky." is my favorite thing I wrote this chapter.

Maybe you and I hug and shake hands differently then, because those two things are alarmingly sexual to me.

[Wannatripbaby]

19 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

Maybe you and I hug and shake hands differently then, because those two things are alarmingly sexual to me. 

O_O

Starts singing "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." By the Beatles.

[CDfm]

Loved these two chapters. Not sure how I missed the 1st one but I am caught up again. Dawn’s story is still ripping at my heart. The two of them eventually have to meet up and my hope is that Alina can be there for Dawn. I was very happy I was able to give this a like. Now I am really looking forward to reading more. 

[RambleLamb]

2 hours ago, CDfm said:

Loved these two chapters. Not sure how I missed the 1st one but I am caught up again. Dawn’s story is still ripping at my heart. The two of them eventually have to meet up and my hope is that Alina can be there for Dawn. I was very happy I was able to give this a like. Now I am really looking forward to reading more. 

So, and I only ask because you have kids, not because it has any impact on anything, I just need to satiate my curiosity, did you find "the kiss" to be inappropriate?

[ELLIE52]

Sometimes it is true that Less is More.

[RambleLamb]

51 minutes ago, ELLIE52 said:

Sometimes it is true that Less is More.

If I understand what you're saying, and I'm not sure I do, what I wrote was more inappropriate because of how basic it was? I am confused...

[ELLIE52]

LOL  The story could use more, Less comments including my own.  Nah, great story, somewhat sad.

[RambleLamb]

6 minutes ago, ELLIE52 said:

LOL  The story could use more, Less comments including my own.  Nah, great story, somewhat sad.

Oh! Nah, comments keep the story going. If no one talks about it then I'm left to wonder what people think of it.

Also, it's pretty sad, I can't argue that, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. We're going to get to the happy but we have to go through some hard stuff first.