I Give Up

[runtashea]

I sincerely believe that effort is meaningless and that there’s nothing wrong with quitting. Plenty of people try and excel at various things (ex. sports, art, writing, etc.) that will simply be forgotten as time goes one. This is a fact that no one can deny so why bother wasting the effort, especially if you’re bad at something.

Honestly, I accept that I’m bad at most things I try. Be it writing, video games, drawing, etc. Perhaps this is because I was a beginner and most beginners are absolute shit at the start. However, not all beginners are shit at the beginning. In those cases, talentless folks such as myself will call that talent; a word that bothers people who worked to attain their skill at something. To simply put, those that are talented gasp concepts easier than most.

In that case, I see no reason to put in effort for something that is ultimately meaningless. Why should I waste time and effort to improve when someone can do it in an 1/8th of the time it took me to learn? I acknowledge this probably just an excuse to be lazy and continue on as a worthless sack of shit, nevertheless, I am curious. Then again, you’ve probably closed this tab because all of the grammatical errors a high schooler would’ve noticed in this. As someone who’s been compared as being less than and exists in the shadow of others, I see no reason to try. No reason to fight anymore.

[Warmwetandcozy]

People are not perfect people are tools for jobs you obviously believe there is nothing you are good at your wrong your good at something we all are now you just have to find out what it is your good so my suggestion to you is try new things find something your good at or like doing prove them wrong and rub it all up in there faces the reason people tell you your no good is that they realise you have a lot of potential and they want you to never fullfillit so they can look good by doing less you need a new attitude you need to forget about being perfect because no one is you instead need to seek improvement not perfection besides life is about the journey not the destination which is the same for all of us all will live all will die its what happens in between that counts not at the end 

[Lionsheart]

I didn't close the tab. I ignored the grammatical errors and carried on with the meaning. ?

As someone who's struggled with depression in the past and has always been seen as 'stupid' or 'dumb' and has had to prove my worth on multiple occasion: it gets better.

You don't need to be talented. You don't need people to like you. Heck, I've been the 'Rudy' my whole life. The underdog. I've been compared to be the weakest link and still am, even today at work was I slapped in the face, but you see, these things challenge us to be better. To humble us. To become stronger. 

Take a night, maybe even a week, to accept your thoughts, bask in the feeling. I'm not going to tell you, "Try harder." Because every single damn person in my life has told me that, and it's annoying and they will never understand how hard, us underdogs, try to be even slightly average. Take time out to rest, and then go back out there. Fuck what other people see and don't even compare yourself to others for a second; it's not worth it. Because you're on this planet for a reason, and even if you aren't the best, you are you and that's something even more meaningful than the best.

[runtashea]

On ‎8‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 12:13 AM, Lionsheart said:

I didn't close the tab. I ignored the grammatical errors and carried on with the meaning. ?

As someone who's struggled with depression in the past and has always been seen as 'stupid' or 'dumb' and has had to prove my worth on multiple occasion: it gets better.

You don't need to be talented. You don't need people to like you. Heck, I've been the 'Rudy' my whole life. The underdog. I've been compared to be the weakest link and still am, even today at work was I slapped in the face, but you see, these things challenge us to be better. To humble us. To become stronger. 

Take a night, maybe even a week, to accept your thoughts, bask in the feeling. I'm not going to tell you, "Try harder." Because every single damn person in my life has told me that, and it's annoying and they will never understand how hard, us underdogs, try to be even slightly average. Take time out to rest, and then go back out there. Fuck what other people see and don't even compare yourself to others for a second; it's not worth it. Because you're on this planet for a reason, and even if you aren't the best, you are you and that's something even more meaningful than the best.

The thing is, I've already given up. My efforts have amounted to nothing. I have a worthless degree. I'm currently unemployed and have no real hirable skillset, or any skillset at all. This job, I only had for a month and lost because I fell asleep. The task, if curious, was just hanging and glue insulation tiles onto subs. A simple task I that was completely incompetent at. I'm realistically a burden on those around me, even if they won't say it.  

I've done this before, accepting my feelings and getting angrier as a result of my worthlessness. This is should lead to a desire for a change, right? That I should want out my crappy little rut and go out into the big wide world, right? WRONG! All it does it make me feel worse, cementing me further and further into nothingness. I shouldn't exist and the world wouldn't really miss a worthless douchebag such as myself. 

[Wannatripbaby]

It sounds to me like you are in the throes of an Existential Crisis. You cannot grasp the meaning of the universe and therefore have a very difficult time motivating yourself to do anything. I've been there.

Instead of trying to simply come up with things to motivate you, you need to find the foundational ideas your motivations are built on. What are your beliefs on religion and philosophy? What do you enjoy doing?

If you'd like to discuss those things privately my PM is always open.

[runtashea]

5 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

It sounds to me like you are in the throes of an Existential Crisis. You cannot grasp the meaning of the universe and therefore have a very difficult time motivating yourself to do anything. I've been there.

Instead of trying to simply come up with things to motivate you, you need to find the foundational ideas your motivations are built on. What are your beliefs on religion and philosophy? What do you enjoy doing?

I have a decent grasp of the meaning of the universe. My meaning is different from yours, from others probably. We all exist on an unequal plateau, even those under crappy circumstances can still exist on higher plateau. Those on the higher plateaus succeed, the rest are either don't or exist to make their superiors being via comparison. I acknowledge that I exist on an extremely low plateau and see no reason to try to rise above it.

The universal truth is that I find no enjoyment in any activity I take part. I either do it because the task is simple or kill boredom. However, things are tilting more towards the latter than the former. I find religion to be an unnecessary aspect of our society. I cannot speak from your country as (I don't know where you are from), however, in the USA religion is overall obstruction to our society. Issues that have clear answers are made into difficult problems because people can't separate belief from politics. And philosophy is nothing more than personal principles/belief that govern our, individual, lives. I've made mine very clear. That my efforts are ultimately meaningless and I should be extinguished from this world.

[Wannatripbaby]

Believe me, I've been down your road. I understand where you are coming from. However, There are several flaws with what you have just said:

24 minutes ago, runtashea said:

My meaning is different from yours, from others probably. We all exist on an unequal plateau, even those under crappy circumstances can still exist on higher plateau. Those on the higher plateaus succeed, the rest are either don't or exist to make their superiors being via comparison.

You seem to be under the impression that success is a definitive term for something concrete and tangible. But it's not. YOU get to define what constitutes success. You apparently at some point have done so, but failed to articulate it to yourself properly.

So let's do that now: What is Success?

26 minutes ago, runtashea said:

I acknowledge that I exist on an extremely low plateau and see no reason to try to rise above it.

You've acknowledged that you're miserable. Reason found.

27 minutes ago, runtashea said:

I find religion to be an unnecessary aspect of our society

I'm not gonna turn this into a religious debate. But seeing as Religion has been a pillar of all societies for the past 10,000 years and not a single culture is completely Religion-free, it seems rather arrogant to deem it Unnecessary to Society just because you don't like it. Even YOU can't deny that.

31 minutes ago, runtashea said:

And philosophy is nothing more than personal principles/belief that govern our, individual, lives. I've made mine very clear. That my efforts are ultimately meaningless and I should be extinguished from this world.

You are once again assuming that meaning isn't an idea you get to define. Well, it is. You get to deside what is meaningful. And even though you THINK you believe life is meaningless, you obviously don't act that out. If you did, you never would've posted this thread in the first place. Nor would you be complaining aboit the futility of life because there would be no reason to complain.

[runtashea]

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

You seem to be under the impression that success is a definitive term for something concrete and tangible. But it's not. YOU get to define what constitutes success. You apparently at some point have done so, but failed to articulate it to yourself properly.

If I failed to do so, I apologize. However, that is neither here nor there.

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

So let's do that now: What is Success?

For the moment, success is just financial stability. Nothing more, nothing less.

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

You've acknowledged that you're miserable.

Funny thing is, I never said I was miserable. I simply said that I acknowledge I'm beneath most and see no reason to try. Then again, perhaps I am miserable? Not that it really matter anyways.

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I'm not gonna turn this into a religious debate. But seeing as Religion has been a pillar of all societies for the past 10,000 years and not a single culture is completely Religion-free, it seems rather arrogant to deem it Unnecessary to Society just because you don't like it. Even YOU can't deny that.

We'll agree to disagree here. 

2 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

You are once again assuming that meaning isn't an idea you get to define. Well, it is. You get to decide what is meaningful. And even though you THINK you believe life is meaningless, you obviously don't act that out. If you did, you never would've posted this thread in the first place. Nor would you be complaining about the futility of life because there would be no reason to complain.

To be blunt, I find effort to be meaningless. At the very least, efforts done on my part. Again, my efforts towards improvement, be it self or other areas, have cause more harm than good. The damage I've taken over the years as a result VASTLY outweighs any growth, regardless of how small it maybe. This post, I as stated in the beginning was done so out of curiosity. I wanted to understand why others continue putting in effort, even when meaningless. Also I acknowledge this entire post to be contradictory to my ideology in principle. You should also acknowledge this was done out of boredom. I find no enjoyment in anything.

You claim to understand where I'm coming from, then tell me: what did you do? Honestly, your response has been different than others, more or less stating that I should continue onward. Seek medication attention as everything I do offers no joy, amusement, purpose, etc. Or outright dismissal because conflicting views and such. So let me, what did you do? Through here or PM, as you've kindly offered, I'm always available. 

 

[Wannatripbaby]

6 minutes ago, runtashea said:

You claim to understand where I'm coming from, then tell me: what did you do? Honestly, your response has been different than others, more or less stating that I should continue onward. Seek medication attention as everything I do offers no joy, amusement, purpose, etc. Or outright dismissal because conflicting views and such. So let me, what did you do? Through here or PM, as you've kindly offered, I'm always available. 

I'm fine with continuing here so that others my benefit from our conversation.

What did I do? I found meaning. I found a reason to justify my continued existence in this world. I could tell you how, but that wouldn’t help as my path will be different than yours. Finding meaning is not hard. All you have to do is pick a goal and make progress towards it. It can be something lofty like "end world hunger" of something personal like "Financial stability." And you know what the best part is? You don't have to ever achieve the goal to be happy! Studies have shown that simply making progress towards a goal grants a lot more happiness than actually achieving it because once you do then you need to find a new goal and the process starts over again. This also means there is great utility in setting a goal even if you yourself don't believe you can achieve it in your lifetime! Bit I'm getting ahead of myself.

You claim you find effort meaningless because "all your efforts cause more harm than good." I'm here to say, that's not possible. If it were true--if EVERYTHING you did caused nothing but chaos--you would've died long before you reached adulthood. The fact that you're still here means that at least SOME of your efforts lead to some form of stability which means that it is indeed possible for you to do good things whith your time and energy.

[runtashea]

On 8/10/2018 at 3:20 PM, Wannatripbaby said:

I'm fine with continuing here so that others my benefit from our conversation.

What did I do? I found meaning. I found a reason to justify my continued existence in this world. I could tell you how, but that wouldn’t help as my path will be different than yours. Finding meaning is not hard. All you have to do is pick a goal and make progress towards it. It can be something lofty like "end world hunger" or something personal like "Financial stability." And you know what the best part is? You don't have to ever achieve the goal to be happy! Studies have shown that simply making progress towards a goal grants a lot more happiness than actually achieving it because once you do then you need to find a new goal and the process starts over again. This also means there is great utility in setting a goal even if you yourself don't believe you can achieve it in your lifetime! Bit I'm getting ahead of myself.

You claim you find effort meaningless because "all your efforts cause more harm than good." I'm here to say, that's not possible. If it were true--if EVERYTHING you did caused nothing but chaos--you would've died long before you reached adulthood. The fact that you're still here means that at least SOME of your efforts lead to some form of stability which means that it is indeed possible for you to do good things with your time and energy.

I'll be honest, I'm disappointed. Your answer really isn't that much different from the others, lol. Although to be completely blunt, you misinterpret. All my efforts have brought more harm than good for myself. The reasons are already listed. I'm only alive because I'm too weak to end it all. At this point, I merely live waiting to die. The things I do now to pass the time (writing, tcg card games, video games) are only to pass time. I've lost any enjoyment for these activities.

Using financial stability as a goal is pretty much impossible for me. As I said before, I don't a skillset worth hiring or actual skillset at all. Honestly, I hate myself and see no reason to help myself. If I wasn't such a pussy I'd end it. That way, you wouldn't have had to waste your time and effort on nothing. People like me should just disappear.

Edited August 19, 2018 by runtashea
Words missings

[Wannatripbaby]

11 minutes ago, runtashea said:

I'll be honest, I'm disappointed. Your answer really isn't that much different from the others, lol. Although to be completely blunt, you misinterpret. All my efforts have brought more harm than good for myself. The reasons are already listed. I'm only alive because I'm too weak to end it all. At this point, I merely live waiting to die. The things I do now to pass the time (writing, tcg card games, video games) are only to pass time. I've lost any enjoyment for these activities.

Using financial stability as a goal is pretty much impossible for me. As I said before, I don't a skillset worth hiring or actual skillset at all. Honestly, I hate myself and see reason to help myself. If I wasn't such a pussy I'd end it. That way, you wouldn't have had to waste your time and effort on nothing. People like me should just disappear.

What makes you think you're so incompetent aside from your obviously flawed and nihilistic perception of your reality? Do you actually have something tangible like a debilitating mental illness that disqualifies you from living a normal life?

[runtashea]

20 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

What makes you think you're so incompetent aside from your obviously flawed and nihilistic perception of your reality? Do you actually have something tangible like a debilitating mental illness that disqualifies you from living a normal life?

In terms of mental illness, I dunno. Had to see a therapist for suicidal thoughts in high school. That's probably about it.

As terms of incompetency, it's just something I've realized over the years. Believe it or not, there was a time before this way of thinking came. A time when I would've tried to do the same you're doing, yet I noticed things over the years. There were times where I put 110% effort into something only to fail completely. Once upon a time, I turned in a test to teacher, the next day he told me that I was first student to turn in a test to get a zero.

Then again, academics is right for everyone so let's move to sports. Growing up, I was more or less forced to play on the girls side as I was physically inferior to my male classmates. The rare times I was able to play with the boys, I was more or less a burden. Having me on their team was always considered a handicap, not that anyone really disagreed (myself in included). I can still remember trying my very best, only causing the other team to win instead because I was bringing the rest down.

Let's try the arts shall we? Specifically writing and drawing. I understand that plenty artists that are impressive have done so since childhood. Over the years they've improved their skills from drawing stick people to amazing works of art. Recently, I tried to pick up the craft as I figured why not, people claim it can be a refreshing hobby to have. You can probably guess what happened them, right? I got unbelievably pissed off at my terrible drawings. Granted, I acknowledge the experience gap, but my situation doesn't grant me the leisure to cross it.  As a result I quit after ripping up all my sketches and tossing the sketchbook in the trash.

Then there's writing, a vastly easier task to learn. The basics are drilled into head in school, more or less. Yet that couldn't stop me from writing absolutely trash stories. Initially, this was done for me by me. No one else was meant to read them. Although one day, I was curious to what people thought of my work so shared some new stuff. It went about well as expected, no real advice to help improvement, only the usual reaction the internet has to things it doesn't like. What little advice I got, I took to heart and tried to improve. I sincerely did since this, above all the other tasks, is the easiest (imo at least) so I thought I some praise, at least very not a 'OMG this is absolute crap'...nope. Got the same comments I usually got.

There are other moments when I gave my 110% in something and it failed completely or went completely wrong. You'll probably respond with 'so what?' but, this is the answer I'm giving you.

[Wannatripbaby]

31 minutes ago, runtashea said:

You'll probably respond with 'so what?' but, this is the answer I'm giving you.

I'm not gonna say that. It wouldn't help in this situation.

I'm very sorry you've had such a rough go of things.

That Professor was an Asshole.

the Sports... well I can say much, I'm not too good either.

As for the Art and Stories, I assure you if I had been around I would've at the very least given constructive criticism and highlighted the good points as well as the bad. If these few comments have shown me anything you are a LOT more literate at least than some of the "successful" ABDL Artists I follow.

Some people are just... unlucky. But I PROMISE you, this dryspell is only a sign that you're long overdue for some serious Karmic justice in the future. Hopefully the near future. And when that happens you'll look back at this stuff and be like "Did I really say THAT?"

I'm always here to talk if you need me. You're notbalone. Not anymore. 

[runtashea]

8 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

That Professor was an Asshole.

Not really. In hindsight, it had more of a joking tone than hateful. He's probably closer to me than some of my actual 'friends'.

[Wannatripbaby]

6 minutes ago, runtashea said:

Not really. In hindsight, it had more of a joking tone than hateful. He's probably closer to me than some of my actual 'friends'.

Oh. So... you didn't actually score a zero on that test?

[runtashea]

Oh no, I did. I'd rather not talk about it.

[Wannatripbaby]

36 minutes ago, runtashea said:

Oh no, I did. I'd rather not talk about it.

Right. Sorry.

Still, my offer still stands. Sometimes all it takes to get through hell is to know that someone out there cares about you at least a little bit. 

[Bettypooh]

Give this some thought- 

Whoever is best in the world at something is always bad with something else. And in each of us there is something where we are the best there is, even when all the rest is awful. Life isn't about financial success though that's drilled into us from the start. Life is about finding that thing you do best and staying as close to it as you can through life. Money is a necessarily evil in this world, but as long as you have enough of it to stay alive no more is really necessary. Sometimes we can find a way to meld what we're good or happy with to gaining income, but honestly the usual is that we drudge through our work despising that it is needed. 

I'm lucky that I've found a niche where I can be happy in my work, even enjoying some of it's challenging parts. I know where my "best" is, yet I'm not doing exactly that, only something similar. There are other aspects involved with my "best" job which so far have never worked out well enough for me to be able to continue with doing it so this is close enough. I focus on the good parts of what I now do and drudge through the rest. I also play the lottery in hopes that I can finally do only whatever I want to so I can leave the rat-race behind. Even the tiny chance that I might win helps keep me going. Most people would be miserable with my life, but I'm happy enough with it because I value things differently than they do. I have almost no friends, almost n money, almost no social life, and I live in a somewhat dumpy rental home with no A/C with almost no hope of ever seeing anything more. But I've got internet, I've got my doggie who is my best friend, and I have enough cash to stay diapered. I've got two vehicles though one is often in need of repairs and the other not in the greatest of shape. Whatever repairs they need I usually have to do because I can't afford to pay someone else to do them. In my life of nearly nothing I am relatively happy. It's enough, and about half of the other people in this world would love to be doing this well, but they never will be. 

It's all about how you see things and what values you assign them. It's about what you do with what you have. It's about finding your own happiness no matter what anyone else may think about that. Mostly it's about remembering all this when you're down in the dumps again. It an be at least a little better for any of us but we have to make that happen for ourselves. Or win the lottery. Drudge onward even if only to see what tomorrow may bring for everyone gets lucky once in awhile and this might be your day!

Bettypooh

[Wannatripbaby]

One thing that Bettypooh said really stuck out to me:

16 minutes ago, Bettypooh said:

I've got my doggie who is my best friend,

@runtashea you should get a puppy. That might solve all your problems.

[runtashea]

I severely doubt a dog will solve my problems.

[Bettypooh]

No one thing can solve a many-faceted problem, but something which might help is often worth trying. And enough smaller things can lead to big ones. You have to take things as best you can, and that starts with doing smaller things because you're in too bad of shape to do anything bigger yet. If you want improvements you have to cause them to happen. The best that anyone else can do for you is to be sympathetic, offer advice, and encourage you to act. 

Things can be better for you, but you have to begin working on making that happen before you'll see any results from it.

Bettypooh

[runtashea]

Then we're right back to the beginning aren't we? On a fundamental level, I despise myself. As I've mentioned earlier, if I wasn't such a pussy I'd have ended it all by now. Ultimately, what you're suggesting I do is be patience and improve small aspects of my life. However, that won't happen. Any and all attempts at improvement have backfired and more or less killed what little pride or coincidence I have. Two or three years back, I went to tournament with some friends. A reoccurring joke amongst them is that even though I lost EVERY game, I still didn't get last place. 

I lost a very simple job that paid well because I fell asleep at the wrong time. I currently have bedbug infestation because I went to a convention for mass media. I'm so fucking incompetent that I can't even lose correctly. Removing worthless trash such as my self is looking appealing everyday.

[Wannatripbaby]

I'm going to administer a little tough love here because I can tell you're a fairly smart/intellectual guy and I think you can take it.

10 hours ago, runtashea said:

Any and all attempts at improvement have backfired 

False. There's just no way you could possibly argue that 100% of the time everything you do backfires on you. Have you driven your car recently without the engine exploding? Have you put on pants without getting your dick caught in the zipper? Have you eaten at any point in the past week without choking? You may think I'm asking rhetorically. Wrong. I want an answer to every single one of these questions because I want you to admit that things DO sometimes go well for you.

[runtashea]

4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

There's just no way you could possibly argue that 100% of the time everything you do backfires on you. 

Not to be rude, but the statement I made was referring to was about improvements about myself. Your questions are more of general day to day affairs. Even so, I'll answer.

4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Have you driven your car recently without the engine exploding? 

I don't own a car nor can I drive.

4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Have you put on pants without getting your dick caught in the zipper?

Once or twice, I never leave the zipper open.

4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Have you eaten at any point in the past week without choking?

No. Although for the past week or so, I've gone into really bad coughing and sneezing fits after I eat or randomly throughout the day.

[Wannatripbaby]

7 minutes ago, runtashea said:

Not to be rude, but the statement I made was referring to was about improvements about myself. Your questions are more of general day to day affairs.

That's all it takes to improve yourself! Big steps are actually just a lot of small steps taken in the same direction.