Madison's Code

[Sophie ♥]

6 minutes ago, foofybabykitten said:

For some reason the idea of a small, asthmatic turtle is really cute in a pitiful, I want to cheer for it kind of way, you know?

Well you can cheer for me all you want. XD

[bbykimmy]

24 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Well you can cheer for me all you want. XD

You're the cutest asthmatic turtle ever, and Foofy didn't even know you're the Princess of Tortoises!

[foofybabykitten]

4 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

You're the cutest asthmatic turtle ever, and Foofy didn't even know you're the Princess of Tortoises!

Is that an official title? O_O

Please do forgive me for my earlier transgression, Your Slowness, erm... Your Tortoiseness. *proceeds to sweat nervously*

[YourFNF]

20 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

 

Littles are a bit crazy, in my opinion.  There's something different about us (obvi) - for some it doesn't stem from trauma but for a lot of us, it does.

 

 

I mean like I said in the discord you can't separate my Little side from my Neuro status

20 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Eighteen.

    I snuck back into my bed with the lights out.  Madison had taken my advice.  I approached the bed so softly, so slowly, so afraid I would wake her up.  Each muscle of my body ached as I lowered myself into the sheets beside her.  I found a pillow and balled it up under my head, inching closer to the sleeping girl every minute or two.

    An eternity later, every bit of me was only a pencil’s width from every bit of her.  Our knees almost touched, our elbows, our foreheads… I could feel the heat fill up the space between us.  This is what I needed: not a heater, but a girl.  Madison.

   

So gay so good XD

[Sophie ♥]

8 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

You're the cutest asthmatic turtle ever

Compliment of the year.  

4 hours ago, foofybabykitten said:

Is that an official title? O_O

Please do forgive me for my earlier transgression, Your Slowness, erm... Your Tortoiseness. *proceeds to sweat nervously*

Your Slowness! XD Oh my gosh...

2 hours ago, YourFNF said:

So gay so good XD

My life motto.

[ELLIE52]

Could use some more chapters with this.  With everyone's predictions and comments, I've sort of lost how I feel the story will go.

[Sophie ♥]

7 hours ago, ELLIE52 said:

Could use some more chapters with this.  With everyone's predictions and comments, I've sort of lost how I feel the story will go.

Oh no, I'm so sorry!! I try to post one a day, but I fall behind sometimes ;_;

[Sophie ♥]

Nineteen.

<< Hey I was wondering if we could talk.  Are you free?

>> No not today I’m sorry

    I was afraid of that.  I sighed and turned my phone over in my hands.  Damnit…

<< It’s important

>> How important?

    Oh… I hadn’t expected that.

<< It would mean a lot to me if we could talk face to face

>> Come over in an hour but you can’t stay long

    A No Day had never been overturned so quickly and so easily.  Maybe things were getting better?  But I was asking the wrong questions.  I was too optimistic.

    “Hey, uh, is Madison here?”

    I had never met the woman who answered the door.  She was short and young and beautiful in an adult way.  Her hair was fluffy and short, her face was round and warm, and her clothes were tight and on point.  Not a hair was out of place.

    “You must be Jamie!  It’s soooo nice to finally meet you!  I’m Bethany, Madison’s mom.”

    …well, that’s where Madison gets her personality.

    “It’s nice to meet you too,” I said with a courtesy smile.  How was she a mom?  She must have had Madison when she was sixteen or seventeen.  Then I noticed, all of a sudden, that I had no idea what her parents looked like before I met them!  They had no pictures up on their walls, just decorations and art hangings.

    “Well come in, come in.  I didn’t know we were expecting you.  Would you like some water?  We have juice?”

    “No, I’m okay, thank you.” I followed her into the house.  Madison wasn’t in the living room.

    “She’s upstairs,” her mom told me. “You can go on up if you’d like.”

    I’d never been upstairs before.  I’d never been in Madison’s room before.  I didn’t know what to expect, but I’d braced myself all the same.  After all, if she liked to act like a child…

    But her bedroom was oddly ordinary.  The walls were a pale eggshell, lined with only few posters, drawings, and photographs.  She had high shelves - too high for her to reach, I was sure - with dolls and plastic cases that looked older than Madison herself.  Her dark-stained oak dresser matched perfectly with her vanity table on the other wall, down to the handles.  And on the far wall, under a window with drawn purple curtains, sat a thick, oak bed frame donned in floral sheets and a comforter twice the size of the bed itself.  The blanket was so thick, so huge, that I hadn’t even noticed Madison tucked under it until I walked around the room.

    “Hey,” I said, careful not to let the sound of my voice hurt the simple quiet of the room.

    “Hi,” she said, and sat up.  She was wearing the same pajamas from Monday, the yellow ones with the sunshine lyric.  She was also wearing the same gray jacket.  The curls in her hair had obviously fallen out in her sleep and she looked paler than usual.  Worse yet, her eyes were quiet.  She didn’t look at me with those eyes; they only went up as far as my nose, or my lips, and then back down to her bedsheets.

    “You alright?” I asked.  

    She shot me a look of frustration, or annoyance, or something… something I remembered from before Christmas. 

    “Don’t worry?” I guessed.

    She nodded.  I took a seat next to her on the bed and immediately realized what a mistake it was.  I had never in my life sat on anything so comfortable.  There was no way I could ever bring myself to leave this bed.

    “You needed to talk about something?” she asked me.  Her words sounded heavy, like she was half-asleep.  I was starting to think that maybe my coming here was a mistake…

    “Is this what you do on days when you don’t want to hang out?  Just stay in bed?” 

    She was quiet.

    “I mean, I can see why.  It’s like a cloud had a baby with morphine.”

    “Did you need something?” she asked again.

    Fine.

    “Come over,” I demanded. “Let’s get out of here.  We can go to Walmart.”

    “I can’t today.”

    “Why not?”

    “I just can’t.”

    “Madison.”

    She put her head back down on the pillow and I put my forehead in my hands.  Why was she so irritating today?

    “You always do this.  You say no to things for no reason.  But things can’t get better if you just stay in your room all day.”

    “Leave me alone,” she said under her breath, just loud enough for me to hear.

    “Why won’t you listen to me?  Are you afraid I’m right?”

    She turned away from me.

    “Madison!” I put my hand on her arm, just below her shoulder, and like a crack of thunder, she kicked me straight out of her bed and onto the floor.  I hit the ground on my elbow, but the carpet was soft and gentle.  When I looked up again, she was peering over the edge of the bed, down at me, and water filled up the underside of her eyes.  In a flurry of blankets, she disappeared into them.

    What.  The.  Fuck.

    “Leave me alone,” she repeated, but I could hear the regret in her words.  I could hear her crying…

    I got up from the carpet and made my way onto the bed once again, careful to avoid her, wherever she was.  When I finally found a safe place I could lay down without disrupting any suspicious lumps of blankets, I put my head on one of her pillows.  I swear, if I wasn’t so worried in that moment, I could have fallen asleep at the snap of fingers.

    “I’m sorry I did that,” I said quietly, but hopefully loud enough that she could hear me.  Honestly, I didn’t think my voice would go any louder.  I was dizzy and my shoulders ached.  How could I still understand so little about Madison Bell, after all this time?

    “I didn’t mean to scare you,” I went on. “I won’t do it again.  But I’m not leaving either.  I’m going to stay all weekend if I have to, until you’re over this… whatever this is.  Until you feel better.”

    She didn’t say anything back.  To me, that was a resigned acceptance.

    “I’m not going anywhere.”

[Wannatripbaby]

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

   “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Tears.

[bbykimmy]

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

She didn’t say anything back.  To me, that was a resigned acceptance.

    “I’m not going anywhere.”

What is this.

What are you doing to me.

You don't do cliffhangers.

You don't do cliffhangers!  That's my bit!  Argh!

What happens!?  Madison lashed out!  Madison is STILL wearing the jacket.  What's on her arms?  Bruises?  Tract marks!?  (I don't actually think that one) 

The suspense!!

So... analysis.  Jamie notes that the furniture actually matches in Madison's room because this is a thing she's not used to.

 

Honestly, I'm really surprised that Jamie kept her cool when Madison shoved her.  Jamie seems more like the type of person who isn't in touch with her own pain and when her feelings get hurt by someone lashing out like that, she would respond in kind - with anger.  Maybe my read on her is wrong there, maybe her worry for Madison just goes deeper than her own concern for herself at this point.

Either way, I am greatly looking forward to what happens next.

[ELLIE52]

Does Madison stay home on days her mother is actually there?  Are those her No days?

[YourFNF]

I'm conflicted on this sometimes people need space and can't deal with things, but it's clear Jamie has legitimate reason to be concerned. I'm not sure what the right call is here

[Ashamaness]

This hits home... is she chronically ill?

If she’s able to kick her out of the bed I guess not though. 

[Sophie ♥]

Twenty.

    I fell asleep for a while; it really is hard not to when a bed is so comfortable.  I woke up to Madison climbing out from under her covers.  I heard her leave the room, and a minute later, I heard her come back.  She got back into bed.  I opened my eyes.  The sun was still out, but it was considerably later in the evening now — even that much was obvious with what little sunlight made it past Madison’s curtains.

    When she crawled under the blanket again, she left her head out.  She faced away from me.  I stirred and I watched her shoulders tense.  When I relaxed into the bed again, so did she.  I moved closer to her, gently, so much so that I could smell her shampoo.  Strawberries.

    “Madison?”

    “Mm.”

    “Can I put my arm around you?”

    She didn’t say anything.  I didn’t know if that was a yes or a no.  I thought maybe she was just taking her time to answer, but as time went on it was made more and more clear that she wasn’t going to answer at all.  Did she fall asleep?

    “Madison?”

    “Mm.”

    “I’m going to put my arm around you now.”

    So I put my arm around Madison Bell.  But with my arm over the comforter, it felt less like I was holding a girl and more like I was holding a pile of clothes.

    “I’m going to put my arm under the blanket,” I told her, and then did just that.  I tried to wrap my arm overtop of Madison’s arm, but the second I touched her jacket she twitched and pushed my hand out of the way.

    “Sorry,” I sighed.  Maybe this was a bad idea…

    Madison, without prompting, took my hand in hers and pulled it across her stomach, wrapping herself up in me.  She rested her own arm on top of mine and didn’t say a word.  I pushed my face into her soft hair and squeezed her around the middle, under her breast.  She was soft and squishy and warm and smelled like dessert.  I wanted to have her forever and eat her all up at the same time.

    The next time I woke up, it was the middle of the night.  I had the loveliest dream…

    Madison’s eyes were open.  I could see the moonlight glisten off their surface.  She was lying on her back and my arm was still tight around her stomach.  I watched her for a moment, adjusting to the darkness of Madison’s room, but she didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular.  Her eyes though… they wouldn’t shine like that, no matter what light she was under, if she wasn’t starting to feel better.

    “Hi,” I whispered, so softly that it didn’t disturb anything, anyone, anywhere.  Her eyes flickered to the side, at me, and then at the ceiling again.

    “I’m sorry,” she said just as softly.

    “Tell me what’s going on, Madison.  Please?”

    Maybe it was the please that won her over.

    “It just happens,” she muttered under her breath. “It comes out of nowhere, and it feels heavy and dark, and I can’t make it go away until it wants to.”

    “Nothing makes it happen?”

    “Sometimes things make it happen.  Sometimes it just happens.”

    “Like, loud sounds?” It wasn’t really a wild guess at this point.  I’d been paying a lot of attention to Madison Bell.

    “Yeah, like loud sounds.”

    “Your parents?”

    “Sometimes.”

    “Me?”

    This time she turned her head to look at me, properly, eye to eye, for the first time that day.  She wanted me to know she was serious.

    “Not you.”

    She was having trouble with even her fake smile.  I couldn’t even imagine what she must be thinking…

    “You know, I always thought you were the happiest person in the world.  Everybody sort of thinks that way about you.  Seeing you like this, now… it barely makes sense to me.”

    “I don’t want anybody—”

    “To worry,” I finished for her. “I know.”

    “Mom always worried about me, growing up.  I never made any friends.  I wasn’t good at talking to people.  I didn’t know what to say or how to be interesting.  And one day…”

    She trailed off.  She closed her eyes.  Silence started to fill the gap between us, but I didn’t want anything between us.  I want it to be her, then me, and nothing in the way.

    “Go on,” I whispered.

    “One day,” she went on, “in fifth grade, I was doing one of those worksheets where you solve the math problems and color in the block, and it’s supposed to make a picture.  But when I was done, the colors were wrong.  I mean, the picture was there, but not in the right colors.  I misread the instructions.  And everyone thought…”

    It clicked. “They thought you were colorblind.”

    “I was interesting after that.  People wanted to talk to me.  So I played along.  I lied to everybody, and…”

    She closed her eyes tight and I saw tears sparkling down her cheeks.  I raised my hand off her stomach and wiped them away.  When my skin touched hers, her eyes tightened and sent another battalion of tears to fend me off.  They failed.

    “I think you’re very interesting,” I said softly, into her ear. “You’re the most interesting person I know.” 

    She rolled over, but not to face away.  She rolled into me and pushed her forehead into my neck and I felt her tears on my chest as they dripped off her chin.  I pulled her as close as I could and ran my fingers along her back.  Every part of me ached with sensation, like it was the first true moment I’d been awake my whole life.  And all the parts inside me hurt for her.

    “When the bad things started,” she muttered, exhausted, into my chest.  If she was still crying, I couldn’t feel it anymore. “I couldn’t let anybody know.  If they knew, if they worried, or if they stopped liking me… I’d be alone again.  I had to hide it.  I got good at it.  Nobody worries now… Mom doesn’t worry now…”

    “I worry,” I told her, playing with her hair.  It seemed to help her.

    “You were…” Madison was quiet, searching the darkness for the word. “Unexpected.”

    It was just dawning on me that this was the first time Madison Bell had said any of these words, even to herself.  They poured automatically out of her, like they’d been swirling and pushing and turning themselves into a storm for years.  And now, finally, they’d broken down the walls.  Or rather, I’d broken those walls for them.  I hoped I had done the right thing…

    “I want to help,” I told her. “I want to make it better.”

    “Nothing makes it better,” she said with a laugh.  A hollow, fake, broken laugh.

    “Your kid stuff makes it better, doesn’t it?” Again, this was no guess.  This was fact.  This was observed, like gravity and thermodynamics.

    She was quiet again.  Had I said the wrong thing?  No, I had to stop thinking like that.  This needed to be about her.

    “I know you like acting like a kid, that it makes you feel brighter.  I see it every day.  It fixes you, doesn’t it?”

    Still, silence.

    “Madison, you don’t have to be embarrassed about it.  If it helps you, that’s all that matters.  At least we know something that does.”

    “It doesn’t always,” she finally admitted, rubbing her eyes on my shoulder.  Her fingers were tied in my shirt. “Only sometimes.”

    “Sometimes is better than never.” 

    Finally, I felt like I’d found the solution I’d been searching for, but it was an answer I didn’t want.  It was a problem that shouldn’t exist.  It was more hardship than she deserved.  I wasn’t tired of solving Madison Bell - I never would be - but she was so tired of solving herself.

    “I’ll take care of you,” I told her with so much certainty she couldn’t in good conscience doubt me.  Until then, she had no reason to.  Forever after, I wouldn’t give her one.

[bbykimmy]

9 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

It was just dawning on me that this was the first time Madison Bell had said any of these words, even to herself.  They poured automatically out of her, like they’d been swirling and pushing and turning themselves into a storm for years.

This is beautiful.  That's the only word for it.  The image is so clear and clean, the metaphor is beautiful.

10 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

This was fact.  This was observed, like gravity and thermodynamics.

This line is equally gorgeous, but for different reasons.  It's so solid, firm, irrefutable.  The feeling of her statement is so clear with this.

So much meaning in so few words.

I feel like you're just better than I am at this sort of thing, this easy metaphor, these small, deep expressions.  I envy you this.  It's beautiful.  I can take the reader deep, but my language is never "awesome".  I'm in awe.

I love this story not just for its gentle tone and subject matter, not just for the mystique and mystery of Madison Bell, not just because I identify deeply with the characters, but for its construction as well.

I love this story.

Also, omfg, I did not see the lie coming.  I was completely blindsided by it.

[Sophie ♥]

9 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

I feel like you're just better than I am at this sort of thing, this easy metaphor, these small, deep expressions.  I envy you this.  It's beautiful.  I can take the reader deep, but my language is never "awesome".  I'm in awe.

 Thank you!  I take a lot of pride in my analogies.

9 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Also, omfg, I did not see the lie coming.  I was completely blindsided by it.

You could even say.... COLORblindsided!  HAHAHAHhhhaha (I'm not funny.) 

ALSO this is the end of Pin 2: Eyes.

Pin 3 is pretty easy to infer.  10 chapters left in this story.  We're 2/3 done.

[YourFNF]

Wow just wow. Honestly this may be my favorite of your stories Sophie.

[Wannatripbaby]

God, between this chapter and the most recent chapter of Far From Home my heart is about ready to explode! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Now, let me see if I can come at this from a different angle than Kimmy...

5 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 I wasn’t tired of solving Madison Bell - I never would be -

As a CG who often has to deal with regular mental and emotional breakdowns from his Littles, I can definitely identify with this line. Watching somebody go through that, holding their hand (metaphorically in my case) while they ride out their breakdown... It's exhausting. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because that's what Love is: accepting the pain with the joy.

[Guilend]

I just read the last chapter and i may or may not be tearing up. (I will never admit to crying) 

[Sophie ♥]

15 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Wow just wow. Honestly this may be my favorite of your stories Sophie.

 Oh goodness... thank you so much.

15 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

As a CG who often has to deal with regular mental and emotional breakdowns from his Littles, I can definitely identify with this line. Watching somebody go through that, holding their hand (metaphorically in my case) while they ride out their breakdown... It's exhausting. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because that's what Love is: accepting the pain with the joy.

THIS is very well said!  

9 hours ago, Aries said:

I just read the last chapter and i may or may not be tearing up. (I will never admit to crying) 

Oh yeah I've never cried in my life

[kerry]

I've had this story queued up for the better part of a month, occupying its own dedicated tab on my browser, but for whatever reason I had not read it. Silly me. I agree with bbykimmy: this might be the sweetest story you have ever written, Sophie. I love the slow build, the time you have taken to assure that we fully understand not only the two main characters as individuals (to the extent that Madison has allowed herself to be understood, anyway) but the fascinating morphing dynamic between them. You've mentioned several times that there have as yet been no mentions of diapers, but honestly who cares? Truth be told, I wouldn't even care if Madison were not a Little (though of course she is) because I like them together so much. 

Others have speculated as to the reasons behind Madison's No Days, and they have all been interesting possibilities, but somehow I don't think this is an abuse story at all. I may be completely off base—which would not surprise me as I totally suck at predicting where stories will go (I only have a vague notion when I'm writing them)—but I'm willing to take Madison at her word that they have no noticeable trigger. She's bipolar, and bad days just are there. She doesn't need a reason. As to her father, well, he could be a problem (and if so I suspect it would have to do with withholding childlike things rather than anything physical) but I think he is more of a misdirection, a kind of McGuffin: he seems important but really is not. Other than his obnoxiously loud voice, after all, nothing in his single appearance suggests anything bad. Madison's fear of contact then might simply be a reaction to the lack of it in her life, not anything more malicious. And the mom? OMG: she's perkier than Donna Reed, and I can't imagine Donna Reed as a villain. 

That's just it: this story lacks a notable villain so far because it doesn't need one; bipolar disease itself may be the villain. And all Jamie can do is be there for Madison, support her in every way, and try to help her gently through dark times. I find it interesting that her bedroom is described by Jamie as so thoroughly comfortable—"It’s like a cloud had a baby with morphine"—great line, that—because it is to this veritable fortress of comfort that Madison escapes on her No Days. She is self-medicating in the only way she knows how. 

As to Little-ness: I'm not altogether certain that Madison herself understands what Jamie is trying to figure out. Her reactions to various offers (the toy aisle, the Polly Pocket doll, the juice, etc.) all seem similar, as if she is as much caught off guard be her reaction as by the offer. In any event, this is a story I am in love with for its very real human relationships. If it turns out that there is abuse going on I think I'll be disappointed: I know enough bi-polar and depressed people (and I'm one of the latter myself) to know that causality is never the issue. And this story does not, so far, seem to hinge on anything other that these two girls and their relationship. I hope it stays that way.

[YourFNF]

19 minutes ago, kerry said:

I've had this story queued up for the better part of a month, occupying its own dedicated tab on my browser, but for whatever reason I had not read it. Silly me. I agree with bbykimmy: this might be the sweetest story you have ever written, Sophie. I love the slow build, the time you have taken to assure that we fully understand not only the two main characters as individuals (to the extent that Madison has allowed herself to be understood, anyway) but the fascinating morphing dynamic between them. You've mentioned several times that there have as yet been no mentions of diapers, but honestly who cares? Truth be told, I wouldn't even care if Madison were not a Little (though of course she is) because I like them together so much. 

Others have speculated as to the reasons behind Madison's No Days, and they have all been interesting possibilities, but somehow I don't think this is an abuse story at all. I may be completely off base—which would not surprise me as I totally suck at predicting where stories will go (I only have a vague notion when I'm writing them)—but I'm willing to take Madison at her word that they have no noticeable trigger. She's bipolar, and bad days just are there. She doesn't need a reason. As to her father, well, he could be a problem (and if so I suspect it would have to do with withholding childlike things rather than anything physical) but I think he is more of a misdirection, a kind of McGuffin: he seems important but really is not. Other than his obnoxiously loud voice, after all, nothing in his single appearance suggests anything bad. Madison's fear of contact then might simply be a reaction to the lack of it in her life, not anything more malicious. And the mom? OMG: she's perkier than Donna Reed, and I can't imagine Donna Reed as a villain. 

That's just it: this story lacks a notable villain so far because it doesn't need one; bipolar disease itself may be the villain. And all Jamie can do is be there for Madison, support her in every way, and try to help her gently through dark times. I find it interesting that her bedroom is described by Jamie as so thoroughly comfortable—"It’s like a cloud had a baby with morphine"—great line, that—because it is to this veritable fortress of comfort that Madison escapes on her No Days. She is self-medicating in the only way she knows how. 

As to Little-ness: I'm not altogether certain that Madison herself understands what Jamie is trying to figure out. Her reactions to various offers (the toy aisle, the Polly Pocket doll, the juice, etc.) all seem similar, as if she is as much caught off guard be her reaction as by the offer. In any event, this is a story I am in love with for its very real human relationships. If it turns out that there is abuse going on I think I'll be disappointed: I know enough bi-polar and depressed people (and I'm one of the latter myself) to know that causality is never the issue. And this story does not, so far, seem to hinge on anything other that these two girls and their relationship. I hope it stays that way.

You know I think your onto something, good catch.

[diaperpt]

27 minutes ago, kerry said:

If it turns out that there is abuse going on I think I'll be disappointed

I'm officially backing off my theory about an abusive dad. What kerry said makes sense. I also agree when kerry says that Madison may not herself understand what Jamie knows or doesn't know and at this point in the story, I really doubt that Madison has a solid grasp on the concept that she is a Little or even what a Little might be.

[Sophie ♥]

2 hours ago, kerry said:

this might be the sweetest story you have ever written, Sophie.

Thanks for the wall of text Kerry!  I looooove getting comments like that!  Um, I hope I don't disappoint with the rest of the story.

Actually I've been struggling a lot the past few days... I keep reading and editing and fixing the last ten chapters because I want them to be perfect.  Not only for the readers, but any people who might show it to loved ones down the line.  You know?  

No matter what I do, I can't seem to make it good enough... *sigh* Hopefully I'll figure this out in the next few days.  This story is just really important to me and I need it to be as good as I can make it...

[YourFNF]

19 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Thanks for the wall of text Kerry!  I looooove getting comments like that!  Um, I hope I don't disappoint with the rest of the story.

Actually I've been struggling a lot the past few days... I keep reading and editing and fixing the last ten chapters because I want them to be perfect.  Not only for the readers, but any people who might show it to loved ones down the line.  You know?  

No matter what I do, I can't seem to make it good enough... *sigh* Hopefully I'll figure this out in the next few days.  This story is just really important to me and I need it to be as good as I can make it...

I'm liking it