Overwhelming guilt, I am a piece of sh*t.

[Lil Fox Scotty 91]

I don't know why but today I started to reflect on my past actions and it has me in tears. I actually had to take several breaks from writing this so my friend would get back home and see me in this pathetic state. I used to be this habitual liar and manipulator that was always in it for himself and only cared about getting away with said acts. Looking back, I wonder how badly and for how long has my actions impacted those people. If given the opportunity I would like to right all the wrongs I have done. But some of those people I probably couldn't even find if I tried. Omg, I am suck a f**king piece of sh*t parasite. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive right now. I just don't know what to do.

[Warmwetandcozy]

Everyone manipulates to some extent and if you probably can't find the people then you probably didn't do very much damage if any at all second by looking for those people whom very likely have long forgotten about those things or didn't even realize they happened you would most likely either bring back bad memories or make them upset when they never were in the first place or if it was serious they have probably buried those problems in the back of there head have began to heal over time and it would only reopen the closed wound often times when someone experiences something exceptionally traumatic they try and only remember the few good things that became of it and wouldn't want to be reminded of the bad next by beating your self up about it your only hurting you and the people that like and love you so if you need to let out let out to very trusted friend you know for a fact you havent wronged its not good to bottle things up its even worse to dwell on them its best to talk to someone you can trust  if you don't know anyone let it out on here or site you feel comfortable with even if you did run into someone else from this site that read this they would never know you were the one that  wrote it because hardly anyone on here uses there real name or any identifying information so unless y'all got to talking about this site and you gave them your writing name they'd never know you said any thing that's what I love about here I can be as honest as I want very few are going to judge me and those but do have know means of creating any problems except writing a rude comment if you've got time I would strongly  encourage you to go and read my reply to the post about mental health facilities being like jails you'll see how people get over extremely bad things I'm on the opposite side of you I was a victim of similar tactics but I don't still hate the person who used them on me I haven't talked them in years and if they did come back and do what your thinking about no one would be better off and looking back now if they hadn't done those thing to me I wouldn't be who I am today and I would have never meant the love of my life sometimes its best forgive and forget if you want to feel good about your self do some charity work at your local soup kitchen or if you don't have time donate to what you feel is a worthy charity or try and help people who are or were in similar situations heck go help a friend with there work or help old ladies across the street the past is over you can't change it all you can do now is damage control by trying to offset your perceived  wrongs with rights never harm  your self you may think it helps but it really only makes thing worse if you must punish your self go do some form of helpful community service like picking up litter that way you can help others and punish yourself with no negative side effects to friends family or loved ones I used to work at the homeless shelter when I felt I needed punishment I hated every minute of doing it but it helped others and didn't hurt the people I cared about looking back now I'm glad I did it 

[Lil Fox Scotty 91]

10 minutes ago, Warmwetandcozy said:

Everyone manipulates to some extent and if you probably can't find the people then you probably didn't do very much damage if any at all second by looking for those people whom very likely have long forgotten about those things or didn't even realize they happened you would most likely either bring back bad memories or make them upset when they never were in the first place or if it was serious they have probably buried those problems in the back of there head have began to heal over time and it would only reopen the closed wound often times when someone experiences something exceptionally traumatic they try and only remember the few good things that became of it and wouldn't want to be reminded of the bad next by beating your self up about it your only hurting you and the people that like and love you so if you need to let out let out to very trusted friend you know for a fact you havent wronged its not good to bottle things up its even worse to dwell on them its best to talk to someone you can trust  if you don't know anyone let it out on here or site you feel comfortable with even if you did run into someone else from this site that read this they would never know you were the one that  wrote it because hardly anyone on here uses there real name or any identifying information so unless y'all got to talking about this site and you gave them your writing name they'd never know you said any thing that's what I love about here I can be as honest as I want very few are going to judge me and those but do have know means of creating any problems except writing a rude comment if you've got time I would strongly  encourage you to go and read my reply to the post about mental health facilities being like jails you'll see how people get over extremely bad things I'm on the opposite side of you I was a victim of similar tactics but I don't still hate the person who used them on me I haven't talked them in years and if they did come back and do what your thinking about no one would be better off and looking back now if they hadn't done those thing to me I wouldn't be who I am today and I would have never meant the love of my life sometimes its best forgive and forget if you want to feel good about your self do some charity work at your local soup kitchen or if you don't have time donate to what you feel is a worthy charity or try and help people who are or were in similar situations heck go help a friend with there work or help old ladies across the street the past is over you can't change it all you can do now is damage control by trying to offset your perceived  wrongs with rights never harm  your self you may think it helps but it really only makes thing worse if you must punish your self go do some form of helpful community service like picking up litter that way you can help others and punish yourself with no negative side effects to friends family or loved ones I used to work at the homeless shelter when I felt I needed punishment I hated every minute of doing it but it helped others and didn't hurt the people I cared about looking back now I'm glad I did it 

Thanks, I may donate some money to charity. Maybe I should donate $20 every time I do something bad. Or I can start going to church or something. I really need to work on not hating myself for what I have done but I should start hating the acts instead.

[Warmwetandcozy]

That's more like it remember we all make mistakes that's normal and its also the best way to learn 

[Lil Fox Scotty 91]

Yeah, I at least I feel remorse. I guess that says a lot about my character. Thanks again for helping me see this the way I should have been. If we were all that hard on ourselves we all would be losing our minds.

[Bettypooh]

There's nothing we can do about the past except to learn from it. If you feel like apologizing to someone then do it. Whether they accept your apology is irrelevant- you cannot make then do that and you've done all you can then, so with those people just let it go. 

Today is all we have, and hopefully some tomorrows too. Yesterday is done and gone so you have to learn to see it that way. I spend some time either at night before bed or the next morning analyzing the day before. If I can find something in it which will help me later on I try to embrace it- the rest goes in the garbage can and stays there. 

I wish I could undo or re-do a lot of my past but I can't. All I can do is try to not repeat past mistakes and live today as best I can. Today's burden is enough for me to carry, I can't do that adequately carrying yesterday too. Trying to carry it all just creates a never-ending loop of failure and I don't need that. Those people who matter to me understand that we are human and we all screw up sometimes. They will forgive me and we will go on. Anyone different from this is not allowed to have a part in my life. 

Depression always tries to drag us down but we can't let it do that without a fight. Focus on whatever happiness you can find and resolve to get through to the better days ahead. Set aside any burdens which can wait and deal with the later on. Depression limits what we can handle so we must limit our burdens when it has it's claws on us. It always feels like it will be with us forever but you have to cling to knowing that it won't- there will be better days ahead for certain, but that means nothing if we aren't there to enjoy them. Set your life up to make the most of the good days and slog through the bad ones with resolve. Don't sabotage that by focusing on bad things or by trying to carry more than you can. Do something physical- that helps more than sitting around. And force yourself to keep the bad thoughts away by thinking of good things. 

You've got the rest of your life to deal with the bad things so when you're depressed set them aside for then when you can deal with them better. Just make the best of now because really that's all any of us can do.

Betty plot

[Lil Fox Scotty 91]

Thanks everybody for the support. I've been feeling better since I first posted this.

[Warmwetandcozy]

Glad to hear your doing better