Feeling so out of control?

[Gothicruby]

This probably sounds stupid, but I'm having an issue about my coping methods. Specifically, that they might be changing and, quite simply, I'm not sure I'll cope.

Bit of context: 

I'm autistic (diagnosed late teens), but also suffer with depression and PTSD related issues that caused a lot of issue with self-harm. I'm a few years clean so far; my main means of coping has been escapism into fiction. It helped me rationalise my emotions and put a 'word' to it, so to speak--for example, when I'd lash out and cut it was because I was frustrated and I felt isolated, or trapped in my own thoughts--but didn't understand this until I basically started seeing it spelled out for me in the comics I read. They were loose allegories, I know, and more to do with me projecting than anything else but still, it helped and it still does.

Problem is, because of autism, I have extremely narrow views of what characters I love to read up on: I'll branch to new things but, say, only on the basis that "Oh, x is like y?" So, like "Captain Marvel is similar to Batgirl? I'll check that out!" but if it doesn't hit a very specific note then, unfortunately, I'm out. This also means that, when a thought gets into my head, it stays there: it's called fixation, clinically, only...it feels worse for me, because it's like "It's there, it's there! This problem that will affect a special interest dictates your whole life!" because that's kind of how I've come to navigate through it. So what that means is, it's not just the problems that stick, but the ideas of hurting or offing myself. Kind of a fixation-based-spiral actually. 

So, last couple of years I had a pretty good haul but basically there's a lot of changes on the horizon; some characters are leaving, some are being replaced and, in the case of my fave, I'm absolutely terrified they might hand her mantel over to another. 

This is all sounds silly, it really is I know that; but I've got nothing left to think about, it feels like. Like, I'm being re-assessed for my disability pay and feel like I'm having everything that's 'wrong' with me brought to the fore-front instead of everything I worked to try and see 'right'--'I'm naiive,' 'I can't live alone,' 'I have problems when it comes to remembering to fold the laundry and put things away', basic things to everyone else ya know? And...everything just feels...I don't know. Out of control?

So what I'm scared of here is, if say...if too much changes, then it'll make me drop it all--like, it'll just hurt to much to keep going...and then I'll have nothing to help channel the worst of the intrusive thoughts. Like it's all well and good to say "The things you loved existed and will always be there"--but that goes stagnant after a while, it's the same thing over and over. Good things to escape into, I've found, have been getting slimmer and slimmer--meaning I've had more time to think on...well...wanting to tear into myself again at the slightest upset. 

I'm scared I've already started relapsing, actually; becoming less verbal, hiding away and scratching at 'where needs to be punished' on me. 

TL;DR: Afraid I'll relapse again, afraid it's already started--how do you guys shove away intrusive thoughts that you can't stop fixating on? 

[Wannatripbaby]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Ruby. :( It's not the least bit silly. We all build our lives on fragile pillars. And sometimes it feels like God is the only thing stopping them from crashing down.

One thing that helped me get through hard times is to find something outside yourself that is bigger than yourself. If you're not religious, Family and Friends can be a good substitute. How would they feel if you turned up dead one day? I've often thought that when I was tempted to do something to myself.

If you ever feel the need to talk I'm here 7 days a week. Feel free to message me any time. :)

[Gothicruby]

Thanks dude, I really appreciate that.

Whenever it comes to the whole "How would they feel?" thing though...logically I tend to think "Relieved that they don't have to deal with me." 

It's...kind of a narrow mindset, but one that makes sense, I think? Like; 

--They wouldn't have to feel on edge about not know what's going through my head,

--They wouldn't have to worry about 'upsetting' me, 

--They wouldn't have to constantly explain and re-explain simple things about a situation that others can pick up just on instinct, 

Like, 'cos I love 'em so much I always think "Well...this'd help them, wouldn't it? If I wasn't around to gum up the works?" 

[Wannatripbaby]

1 hour ago, Gothicruby said:

Thanks dude, I really appreciate that.

Whenever it comes to the whole "How would they feel?" thing though...logically I tend to think "Relieved that they don't have to deal with me." 

It's...kind of a narrow mindset, but one that makes sense, I think? Like; 

--They wouldn't have to feel on edge about not know what's going through my head,

--They wouldn't have to worry about 'upsetting' me, 

--They wouldn't have to constantly explain and re-explain simple things about a situation that others can pick up just on instinct, 

Like, 'cos I love 'em so much I always think "Well...this'd help them, wouldn't it? If I wasn't around to gum up the works?" 

Wrong. Absolutely 100% incorrect. You are not a burden to them. They love you very much and would be totally devastated if something happened to you.

If you really feel that way, go watch "It's a Wonderful Life." There's a good reason that movies been around for over half a century and we're still talking about it! It's a classic that I believe everyone should see at least once in their lives.

[Hades]

I understand your frustrations, really. My son is autistic. He was diagnosed when he was three (He'll be six soon!) But every so often we have to go back up to the center that diagnosed him. Disability purposes and such. The Doc is a real asshat. My son is non-verbal, although his vocabulary is growing, he's not one to have a conversation with someone.

 

So we go up there so proud. He's speaking more, interacting more, his spelling is freakin amazing. We had notes from his therapists and teachers, talking about what incredible improvement he was showing. It meant next to nothing to this doctor.

 

Since my boy wouldn't play with a total stranger in a specific way after they shoved him in a tiny room for 15 min., he's "not making much progress". Oh, I nearly leapt over the table at the guy.

 

Point is, I know how frustrating it can be when people who don't know you try to tell you what's "wrong" with you. There's nothing wrong with you, just like there's nothing wrong with my son. Life might be harder for you, and I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about my sons life, but you are perfect as you are, no matter what anyone says. I don't have any useful advice, but please know that at least. The only thing that anyone should want for you, is for you to be healthy and happy.