Evil Lolita Club - Complete!

[Sarah Penguin]

[Sophie ♥]

41.)

I sat up and took her thumb out of my mouth, looking shyly at my hands.  Ugh, that was humiliating.  But more humiliating than all the other stuff I'd done in front of her?  No.  But this time I didn't have a shock collar on! "Why are you here?" I asked her, getting to my feet.

"I came to get some things, I didn't plan to stay." I didn't care if she believed me or not. "But I saw you there, so I took a shower and got dressed up nice in case... in case you woke up, alright? Because I wanted to look nice for you." Fine, go ahead, ridicule me.

"After how you looked last time I saw you, I don't blame you." I was harsh, but I had always been with Adele.  I looked at her, in the fancy purple dress, her hair done in braids, and shrugged my shoulders.  Okay, so she looked cute... "Well you did a good job anyway..."

"You think so?" I smiled at her, and not the cynical smirk, or sweet fake smile, both of which I was good at. Not the sinister grin when I thought I was so smart and winning. An actual, legitimate, dumb little smile. Fuck.

I dodged the question. "Why are you still hanging out at that shitty apartment anyway?  Didn't you hear me?  People here miss you, God knows why.  And I think you're important to the people here.  So maybe get your shit together and come back."

"You shouldn't swear," I mumbled. Jesus, was I being shy? "It's just... you're too smart for that, you know that? Too... pretty." Now I stood up and turned away, hiding my embarrassment in the act of going to put on the dishes. "I know they miss me, but it's not that simple."

"I know it's not that simple!" I was annoyed.  Actually annoyed.  She was playing this fucking coy schoolgirl shit instead of what she actually was: a force of nature.  It was so annoying. "You think it's simple for me to be back in this room, or to come visit you at some random alley bar?  But at least I'm doing something!"

"Why?" That was the question, huh? I turned and leaned against the counter and looked at her with a smile different to the shy one earlier - a little playful smirk. "Something made you, right? So what was it, why'd you seek me out? Why do you care if I come back? Why do you care about the club? You hate the club, right? You hate me?"

"Marnie's my best friend.  She--" "You hated Marnie too," Adele countered.  I balled my hands at my sides and looked up at Adele with frustration. "Someone has to clean up your mess.  And obviously you aren't doing it, so."

"Really? Last I checked," Boldly, I grabbed her butt through her dress, "it was me cleaning your mess, no?"

I shoved her so hard that her back hit the wall, a full two feet away.  She barely stayed on her feet with the way she fell. "You are such a bitch, you know that?!  Fuck it, I don't have to take care of your stupid club!  Or your stupid friends!"

In return, I shoved her, I pushed her up against the wall and when she tried to push back I grabbed both her hands and held them above her head. "Of course not, that's not why you're here.  You're not here for them, you're not here for the club, you're not here for any reason other than one and that's the fact that for some damn reason you feel something for me." Her shoving me had riled me up it seemed.

I looked up at her with my mouth open, then snapped it shut and shook my head.  My cheeks were pink. "You know you're absolutely crazy right?" I threw her back an inch with all my weight and she came back and pinned me to the wall again.  As long as she had both hands on my wrists, I couldn't move.

"Maybe I am, but..." I reached into her pocket, the pocket that didn't have her pills in it, and found exactly what I thought I'd find - the pacifier she'd left the club with. "If I was, you wouldn't need this, would you?" And like a kitty with the canary, I sucked on the pacifier once to wet it, and then pushed it between her lips.

If I wasn't blushing before, I sure was now.  She put the pacifier between my lips and I sucked it twice before spitting it out and onto the floor.  I felt out of breath.  I felt... nervous.  But not in a bad way.  In a weird, roller coaster way.  I glared up at Adele. "I'm not a baby."

"You're just a big strong girl who needs to be taken care of, right?" Her cheeks were red, warm the way that they were the other day at my apartment, too. "You're a grown-up, that's why you need someone else to help dress you, and keep you cute, and need someone to pick out your meals for you, to choose what's on TV for you..." And then, whispered in her ear. "To talk to you when you're sad, when your past is hurting you, and to tell you it's alright. Because it is."

I shoved her again, an inch and a half this time, before my wrists hit the wall again.  My cheeks were on fire. "It's amazing how delusional you are," I mumbled, struggling to free my wrists from her grasp.  To no avail.  No matter how strong I was - she was taller and heavier.  She had a leg up on me with gravity alone.  Damnit...

"It's amazing how cute you are." So. I kissed her. I kissed her while I held her arms above her head, which I guess wasn't the most thought out idea - I'd end up letting go of them anyway, but I kissed her. I did it without thinking, I did it just on feeling. Because it felt right.

I'd never kissed a girl in my entire life... the closest I'd come was Caramel, but he was a boy as far as I could tell.  Adele... she wasn't.  She kissed like a flower, then like a train, like chocolate truffles, and like an electric shock down your spine.  She kissed with experience.  She kissed to kill.  I turned her around and pushed her to the wall with all the grace of a drunk deer and put my hand to my mouth, splitting us apart. "Y-you're..." But I couldn't think of any words.  I wanted to be angry.  Be angry, Bess!  What are angry words?  Fuck?  Okay, say that. "Fuck..."

Fuck? I wanted to tease her, to tell her that I couldn't do that, not when we'd barely even kissed, but it felt like it might ruin the moment. So I initiated again, this time without holding her arms, without the wall behind her to hold her in place; I kissed her the way that somebody who dresses like a literal dessert should. And when I broke, I whispered. "I told you not to use curse words, didn't I?"

It was the most topsy-turvy twenty-five seconds of my entire life.  It was something so indescribable, I knew without a doubt I could absolutely never tell anyone.  Oh, I could never, ever tell anyone.  I fumbled for the doorknob and looked back at Adele, with that stupid, infuriating grin.  Like she'd won.  What the fuck did she win?! "Don't read into it," I told her, because that was all I could think to say, and slammed the door behind me.  On the way back to my dorm, I walked on wobbling knees with a head full of confusion.

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[ELLIE52]

3 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

It was the most topsy-turvy twenty-five seconds of my entire life.  

I'm curious as to whether Bess can figure out exactly what her feelings are and how long she will last until she does.  I think she's going into what I'm going to call *the descent.*

 

[Guilend]

I just want to know about what how much Adele was into the diaper scene, since she did have all of the stuff and all and it has been hinted many times about how it's all hers so does that mean she wears them as well and if so will she wear them again?

But all in all, this is interesting.

[Sarah Penguin]

dessert

[YourFNF]

Damn Adele really fucked with Bess's head. She really needs to get out of there.

[Sophie ♥]

9 hours ago, ELLIE52 said:

I'm curious as to whether Bess can figure out exactly what her feelings are and how long she will last until she does.  I think she's going into what I'm going to call *the descent.*

The Descent!  Love it.

7 hours ago, Aries said:

I just want to know about what how much Adele was into the diaper scene, since she did have all of the stuff and all and it has been hinted many times about how it's all hers so does that mean she wears them as well and if so will she wear them again?

Yep!  This is a good question!  Adele also mentions "stories she's read" with stuff like this.  Meaning she's definitely at least a little bit into the diaper scene.  But there are more answers to come.

[Guilend]

8 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Yep!  This is a good question!  Adele also mentions "stories she's read" with stuff like this.  Meaning she's definitely at least a little bit into the diaper scene.  But there are more answers to come.

Of course I wouldn't mind Adele playing, dressed up in her pretty dress, all alone in her room and then bending over making a nice mess in her diaper and at that very moment the door opens and Bess gets to witness it all, or maybe one of the other members of the club. Of course that's just my imagination getting the better of me, again lol.

Though on a more serious note, it's hard to believe that with all of these girls(some males) in this house and not a single one of them hasn't discovered Adele's diaper fetish secret. I mean, it's kind of hard to keep secrets in a place like that i would imagine.

[Sophie ♥]

10 minutes ago, Aries said:

Though on a more serious note, it's hard to believe that with all of these girls(some males) in this house and not a single one of them hasn't discovered Adele's diaper fetish secret. I mean, it's kind of hard to keep secrets in a place like that i would imagine.

Actually!  Adele lives in the club room.  She converted one of the extra rooms (of which there are four) into a bedroom.  But the club room is not housing for the other girls.  

Also, Adele usually keeps her interest-related things in a locking drawer.  So even if the other club members wanted to investigate her room - which they probably would not - they wouldn't find anything interesting.  

[Guilend]

7 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Actually!  Adele lives in the club room.  She converted one of the extra rooms (of which there are four) into a bedroom.  But the club room is not housing for the other girls.

ah, for some reason I thought it was like a big house where all the club members lived. I didn't realize it was just where she stayed. Thanks for pointing that out. It makes a few things make more sense.

[Sophie ♥]

42.)

"I guess, yeah, want me to bring Chinese?" The text had been vague from Bess, like Marnie wasn't already used to that. "Come over. Now." were the only three words, so Marnie had done her best to be accommodating in her reply, to be the best friend. When she didn't get a reply, she erred on the side of caution and showed up to her best friend’s dorm with Chinese food anyway.

"Did you fucking leave me there with her?!" Marnie blinked, holding a bag of food in her hands. "Huh?" "You left me in that room, asleep, with Adele!  Are you fucking insane?!  What's your problem?!  She could have kidnapped me again!  She could have hurt me again!  You're so stupid!" With every sentence, I could see the nervousness wash over my best friend.  And here I thought she actually cared about me!

"Look," like this was defensible. "She was in tears when she showed up. Not like bawling, but as much of crying as Adele ever does, and she said she wanted to get some stuff. So we said okay, fine, and then she saw you there and she talked about how..." Marine took a breath, contemplating this, "How much she regretted what she did, how... remarkable, she thinks you are. And she doesn't understand why. And I was gonna stay until she went, but she begged to be allowed to talk to you in private, and I told her if she did anything you didn't want her to, I'd shut the club down. And she promised... did she... did she hurt you? Oh my gosh I'm sorry...I'm so stupid!"

I glared at Marnie and crossed my arms over my chest.  But my aggression had faded into reluctant acceptance. "No," I said sharply. "She didn't hurt me.  But she could have!  And I swear, you can be so fucking self involved sometimes!" I looked at the bag of food and felt my tummy rumble.  Well... "...come on in.  We'll watch TV or something..."

It turned out or something was more or less accurate - the entire time while they ate, Bess talked about Adele, complaining about almost every aspect of her personality. But if Marnie hadn't known better she would have sworn her best friend was talking about a boy she liked.

"And what the fuck - disappearing for two weeks and then dropping by the club room the one time I'm there?  I swear, that shit was planned.  Kanna has her on speed-dial.  Here I am, trying to do a good thing--" I shoveled a huge face full of noodles into my mouth "--and what does it get me?" I sighed and rolled my eyes.  The TV had been paused for 15 minutes.

"She said she only went away because she felt like she was just toxic or something like that," which only prompted Bess to rant about how that was exactly the wrong thing to do if someone wanted to make things right. "What's your angle on her, I thought you'd be happy she was gone?"

"Huh?" "Well, I mean, I thought you wouldn't ever want to see her again?  But it sounds like you're mad that she left?" "Well of course I'm mad she left!   You can't just run away from your problems." "But weren't you going to like, quit school?" I frowned. "Marnie, I don't need your psychoanalysis, alright?  Shut up, the show is on." I unpaused it.

So that was interesting. Marnie did shut up, she didn't say another word, but she kept her eye on her best friend, her best friend who happened to have Facebook open on her laptop, Facebook for Adele's page at that. What was that? Stockholm Syndrome?

"So you're coming to the club meeting this week, then?" "Huh?" "Well... I mean, you have to return that dress at the very least." Oh yeah.  I looked down at the stupid lolita dress I was still wearing.  I had honestly forgotten all about it.  And to think, I had such a hang up on clothes... "Are you... part of the club now?" "Mm.  I dunno.  Probably not..." Or maybe so.  I'd have to think about it.

"I think it's good for you. To be a part of the club. But you and I both know that it doesn't matter what I think, it matters how you feel." Marnie sipped her diet Coke, smiling. Bess sure had changed...

That night, I laid in bed and looked up at the ceiling, thinking about that kiss.  Those kisses.  Adele was... she was evil.  She was absolutely the worst person I had ever met!  If it were up to me, I'd probably have her killed.  But at the same time... I rolled over onto my side and looked at the pacifier on my nightstand.  I reached out and popped it in my mouth and closed my eyes.  Sleep followed shortly after.

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[ELLIE52]

I'd say she has a serious case of *the Adeles.*

[Sophie ♥]

43.)

"So the next order of business is-" I was the first to look up when the door opened, but I looked away immediately back at the papers so it didn't look like I was staring at Bess standing there looking so fucking cute. Dammit. "Anyway, uh," She looked good in mint green. "The convention, I'm spoken to the committee and we can still make it for the panel if we book today, I'll need four definite yes's though." The twins looked apologetic, and offered maybes. Marnie gave a yes, and so did Kanna, and Caramel. But that left one more and nobody was stepping forward. "What about Bessie?" The suggestion came from Marnie.

"Bess," I said flatly.  I didn't partake in the stupid -ie ending names that they all did.  Though Marnie's name actually ended in an -ie... "I have homework this weekend." Adele was back it seemed.  I'd heard she went to classes all week. "What about that Abbie girl?" "Uh, she's..." Kanna tried to be tactful, but Adele stepped in. "-no longer with us." "Oh.  What about that guy who-" "It's just us.” Just us?  Marnie, Kanna, the twins, and Caramel?  And Adele, of course.  That was hardly a club... "What, they're just not coming back because you took off?" But it had less to do with Adele being here and a little more to do with someone else.

"There's no point dwelling on things, worries give you wrinkles, right?" Right came back the echo from the group, but there was far less enthusiasm there, that was for sure. "You can do your homework on the train if you like? It's a pretty long trip." Marnie offered, and I rolled my eyes. "If she wants to come, she'll come, if she doesn't, she won't, and we won't be able to go. Don't get hung up on it, Marnie...even if it would be cool if she came." That last part, though, was mumbled.

"I don't have the money," I said openly, like it could get me out of the event.  But I knew better.  Most of the finances were Adele's - Kanna had told me that. “Money is no issue,” Adele said, not looking up from her book.  I slouched in my chair and kicked my feet. "I... don't think I can..." But I was running out of excuses.  And I didn't want to be honest...

"You can, its up to you to decide if you will." I said simply. Kanna smiled and tried to sell the idea. "It's really cool, we stay in a hotel, and we usually attend the maid cafe and the vendor halls are so cool, like there's a lot of counterfeit stuff there, too, but it's good mostly." "And there are a lot of cute cosplayers." Caramel continued.

"I..." "If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to go." That was Cammie.  "Honestly, I don't even know why she's here," Carlie went on. "It's her fault all our members--" Adele put her teacup down firmly on the table and it made the saucer rattle.

"Enough." And it was firm enough to make an statement without having to raise my voice. "If people want to leave the club, it's their own choice. We don't blame other club members, because nobody makes your choices for you. We take responsibility for our own actions, and we're not petty, we don't squabble. Am I clear?" Nobody said anything. "Do I need to repeat myself?" Caramel finally broke the silence. "I think... it would really help club morale if we were able to go, and maybe it would change the minds of those who left if they saw that Bessie was... invested? Maybe her going could really help... you know, if anybody figures they made the wrong choice in leaving..."

"I didn't say I was invested." The twins glared at me and I sunk further into my seat. "I just mean, I'm here to help out or whatever, but the whole dress thing..." Okay, this topic literally wasn't going to stop until I made it.  Fine, I'd just tell them the truth. "I don't want to wear this out.  I don't want to go to a big convention dressed like this." Honestly, I still had a lot of anxiety.  Even if the associations were broken, I still had years of habitual thought.

"You don't have to be in lolita dress for any period of time except the panel, and the panel is in a private room with no photography allowed. You'd be mostly hidden behind a desk, and you don't even have to talk if you don't feel up to it - we just need the numbers. The rest of the convention, you can dress however you like." I kept my tone sounding... disinterested, uninvested. But I think at least Bess knew I cared about her answer.

"Why is she even here?!" "Carlie," Kanna tried to interrupt. "No, seriously?  She doesn't want to be.  She's just screwing with our numbers." "She was meant to be a pet," Carlie's twin went on. "Like, a toy or something.  What happened to that?" "Hey," I said sharply. "I miss her collar," Cammie mused. "At least her pacifier shut her up," Carlie said.  I balled my hands into fists and shook my head.  My chest was hurting... why did I even come here?

"Out. Both of you." The boys didn't expect that. They didn't expect to be shut down, they didn't expect their president to stand up and point at the door directly and firmly. "You'll be called back in one week for your probation review." "What the fuck Addie,” Cammie smacked his hand on the table, "probation? are you for real? for what?" "For attacking another club member, as outlined in chapter 3, article 7 and 8 of our charter. You're lucky its only probation." “We didn't attack her alright, the freak was supposed to be learning a lesson to stop being such a cunt," Carlie argued. This time when I said it, it was loud and sharp. "OUT."

They left.  The room was eerily silent with the echo of the slammed door.  I felt sick.  My head was aching.  I shouldn't be here... I was just causing more trouble.  What was I even thinking? "I... should go.  I'm sorry... I'm really sorry..." I got up from the table and followed the twins out the door.  My shaky hands fumbled with the pill bottle, distracted as I walked up the stairs.  So much that I nearly ran into Cammie and Carlie at the top.

"She doesn't care about you, you know that right? She fucking hates you, we all hate you - you're an awful little smear on the name of this school," "Honestly, your parents should have aborted you - I wonder if it's too late for that?" It turned out that the two boys dressed in pretty lolita attire were quite apt at being cruel.

They were dressed in a surprisingly similar shade of red and I was still in my mint-green lolita dress that I'd taken home last week.  I shoved past them and managed to get the top off my anxiety medicine.  Just ignore them, Bess.  Fuck them.  They're just spoiled kids.

"Yeah I'd take pills to dull the pain too if I were as much of a fuck-up as you are, Bess. Why don't you just take the whole bottle? Nobody would miss you." Maybe Carlie was just being cruel, maybe he was just pissy at the girl for still being around, resentful that she took the spotlight... but he probably didn't mean that literally. Not like she'd do it anyway, right? He and his brother laughed and pushed past her, knocking her into the wall. "Come on, Carlie, lets go."

I sat at home and watched the blank television screen.  I felt like it was on, playing reruns.  Of my dad hitting me.  Of my mom scolding me.  I took another pill, but the thoughts wouldn't go away.  Of the first day I met Adele, and when I attacked her for calling me cute.  And when Marnie joined the Lolita Club.  I took another pill.  Waking up in Adele's room, and the collar, and the shock, and pissing myself.  Another.  And all those drugs, and the way she treated me, and how pathetic I felt... another.  The pacifier, the bottles, the diapers... Marnie's averted gaze.  Pissing myself.  Messing myself.  Crying.  Begging.  I could hardly breathe.  I took two more.  I just couldn't calm down... and the fight with Adele.  All out.  Blood.  Pain.  Remote.  Electricity.  Tears.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  I put my finger in the bottle for another pill, but it was empty.  I blinked through the tears.  Where had...?  I tried to remember the last three hours.  It was fuzzy.  I didn't feel very well...

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[Sarah Penguin]

Oh noes!  Those jerks!

[YourFNF]

Wow this is painful. I wonder why Bess is sticking around? Some kind of weird internalized guilt and  a need to  come to terms with the Trauma from Adele and her father? Or is it really just a conditioned Stockholm type response but that feels to simple.

I know Bess has medication and that's good but is she actually talking to any one?

[Sophie ♥]

44.)

Two people had come to her dorm door when she hadn't answered her phone - myself and Marnie. And Marnie had argued that she was just asleep, that she was anti-social, that she didn't like to be talked to when she was upset. Marnie had knocked, but left. I left, too, for a spell. I went down the hall to her floors common room and sat, and I thought, and I argued with myself. And that argument ended up with me jimmying her door open the way I had the very first time. Maybe I never learned, huh? The thing was... for the first time in my life, my arrogance benefitted something: on the floor, on the carpet with vomit next to her mouth and barely conscious, that's how I found her. When the paramedics got there, she was in my arms. And when the ambulance tried to stop me riding with them, I said the first thing that came to mind: I told them I was her girlfriend. And the entire ride, the entire time when we got there... I didn't leave her side. And I couldn't help but cycle one thought over and over and over: this was my fault.

The lights were too bright.  Brighter than the sun.  Brighter than my bedroom.  I had class today.  I tried to get up and find my phone, to check the time, but I realized pretty quickly that this wasn't my bed.  It wasn't my room.  I whimpered and rolled onto my side and saw the last thing I expected: Adele, asleep in a chair.  My first instinct?  She'd kidnapped me again.  She was waiting for me to wake up.  She was going to hurt me again!  But in my struggle to get up, I noticed the IV bag.  The room.  A... hospital?

I'd stayed up as long as I could - the four emptied cans of red-bull on the table adjacent to the chair I was curled up in were testament enough to that fact, but eventually I'd passed out. And I slept deep, too, so deep that her moving around didn't wake me. Not until she said my name, not until she threw a pillow at me. "Huh? Oh my god, you're okay..." I struggled to my feet, I had to get the nurse...

"Of course I'm okay.  Why are you here?" And then a better question: "Why am I here?" I remembered... the club.  And things went bad.  And I was so anxious.  I took a pill.  No, I took like... ten.  Or... I remembered the bottle.  Empty.  Shit.  Seriously?  I leaned back in the bed and groaned.  I'm so fucking dramatic.  Ugh.

"Well I found you in your own puke on the carpet with your heart rate just above the intensity level of an Angus Kale lecture," which was quite low indeed. "I'm sorry..." Sappy apologies weren't my thing. "What the fuck," which might have been the first time she ever heard me curse, "were you thinking? Are you stupid?"

"Apparently," I sulked. "I was just... anxious.  And the doctor said to take them when I felt anxious!  And... I dunno!" I crossed my arms and looked down at my feet, hidden beneath the covers. "I wasn't paying attention.  I wasn't counting.  My mind was going a mile a minute, and..." I sighed and sunk into the bed.  Fuck, this was such a disaster.  How stupid could I be?

"Then you call me, alright? You call me and you say 'Hey, Adele, things are screwy in my head, come over and make them right.' and I will, okay? I'll come over and make you feel better and if I cant them I'll keep you company until you feel okay anyway. But this is just... I can't believe how dumb you are, you're really not making much of a case for my having let you grow up you know!" I pouted, grumpily.

"Yeah, call you?  You're like, the reason I'm anxious!  You go and bring up all these feeling I've had since I was a kid and basically throw everything I know out the window.  Not to mention the whole kidnapping and abusing me thing.  And then just say "alright, I'm done" and let me go back to living my life?  Like everything was going to be back to normal?  I've never taken anything but Advil in my whole fucking life and now I'm on these stupid pills I hardly understand and I have no idea how I feel and... and it's your fault!"

Ugh. I got up in a huff and reached into my pocket and pushed her pacifier right into place between her lips, like she was just a speaker making too much noise that needed to be muted. "I want you in my life you idiot, don't you get that? Holy heck I've never been scared of anything before, but seeing you on the floor like that, thinking you might be gone?" Crying? No, I’m not going to start crying! "Look I just figured out that I… that I want you in my life. Don't go screwing with that and disrupt things..."

I took the pacifier out of my mouth and threw it as hard as I could across the room, balling my hands at my sides. "Jesus Christ, Adele!  Are you fucking kidding me?!  You mess with my head and now you wanna get fucking married or something?  You just kiss me because you feel like it!  Do you know how crazy that is?!  Im trying to figure all this out and you're just messing it up more!" "I tried to help you!" she shouted back. "You didn't want help!" "You did not try to help!  You were just selfish!"

"I KNOW!" Did she think I didn't know that? Did she think I didn't know I was selfish? "I'm a spoiled little rich girl and I got everything I wanted growing up and I can have anything I want now except the one thing I actually need and that’s you." I crossed my arms and turned away from her, because I didn't want her to see me like this way.  Uncomposed.  

I put my head in my hands and took a deep breath, because I literally could not believe this was happening.  I couldn't believe Adele - the literal goddess of sin and misery in my life - was confessing her love to me in a hospital room after it was her fault I was here in the fucking first place! "You're... you're just.  Unbelievable." That was the word for it.  Unbelievable. "You don't know me at all.  You don't even care about me.  I just fulfilled one of your weird fantasies once and now you're in love?  You know I'm not even gay, right?  You don't try.  You aren't fixing anything.  I'm actually scared to be around you!  You're... selfish.  And... and I'd... I'd like you to leave..."

"I know you're doing super well in your classes, all except for your creative literature class, which astounds you because you used to write a lot when you were growing up and now you're really upset that something you thought you were really good at, someone is telling you that you're not." I let that sink in for a second and sighed. "But I don't know you, right? I don't know the girl who wants to be a journalist even though she doesn't have any passion for it, just because some buttface told her she shouldn't work with kids - which, by the way, was her dream growing up, to be a teacher, or a doctor, or... a vet, because why not." Maybe I was just making stuff worse.

"So I'll leave, because you want me to, I'll leave you even though I was the only one who came to check on you, even though you literally have your best friend convinced you want to be alone when you're upset when the opposite is the truth; you just want the people who want to be around you when you're upset to actually work for it so you can trust them." I picked up my coat and began to throw cans of Redbull into the trash. "I don't know you? You're all I think about, and you think I wanted that? You think I wanted to be sitting around and babbling about you to my friends, asking questions about you, learning about you because I messed up so badly that I can't even ask you in person?"

"YOU.  DON'T.  EVEN.  TRY!" "I am trying!  I waited in a hospital--" "No!  No, don't you act like sitting and doing nothing is trying!  You never ask how I feel!  You never ask what I want!" "Because you wouldn't tell me anyway!" I slammed my hands down on the bed rails, tears dripping down my cheeks. "I hate you... I hate you so much, and I think about you all the time, and... and I can't even be in the same room as you because I'm so scared..." It was getting hard to breathe.

Stupidly, I kissed her. Because every bit of sense in the world was reversed when it came to this dumb girl and our dumb history and everything dumb I did. And though logic would dictate she scream at me and shove me away, that shove didn’t seem to come... the kiss lasted exactly as long as I wanted it to, long enough for me to pull back and mumble quietly. "I'm sorry... that I scare you. I'm sorry that I did what I did... that I don't listen.  What are you thinking?”

She kissed me.  And I guess I realized then that Adele wasn't really some genius mastermind or whatever.  She was just a really, really stupid girl who didn't know anything.  And... as long as she was around, I couldn't get better.  She was a spoiled rich girl who didn't know how to fix her mistakes.  And this was a mistake she probably couldn't fix anyway.  I was taking it out on her, because I wanted her to fix it.  I wanted her to somehow... make it better.  Make me better.  If she could break me down so well, maybe she could build me up too.  But Adele's skills went only one way. "I think... I'm going to go home for a while.  I think that's best."

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[YourFNF]

9 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

44.)

She kissed me.  And I guess I realized then that Adele wasn't really some genius mastermind or whatever.  She was just a really, really stupid girl who didn't know anything.  And... as long as she was around, I couldn't get better.  She was a spoiled rich girl who didn't know how to fix her mistakes.  And this was a mistake she probably couldn't fix anyway.  I was taking it out on her, because I wanted her to fix it.  I wanted her to somehow... make it better.  Make me better.  If she could break me down so well, maybe she could build me up too.  But Adele's skills went only one way. "I think... I'm going to go home for a while.  I think that's best."

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I think Bess is making the right call leaving

[diaperpt]

How is Bess going to get her head on straight and realize she's fallen for Adele? She's fighting it so hard and managing to think she hates Adele. No, I don't think Stockholm Syndrome at all. I think Adele, even in her cruelty and torture of Bess, hit on something within Bess. I think because of her family situation, she had to grow up too fast and so the baby treatment actually touched something deep inside her that she either can't see yet or doesn't want to acknowledge.

Adele has figured out a lot, but she still has little to no idea how to convince Bess or even treat her decently. Both of them just keep alienating the other, when if they'd stop their bluster, they might just start figuring things out. Somehow the cycle of reactionary behavior needs to be broken between the two of them. Right now it feels like an explosion in an emotion factory.

[Sophie ♥]

45.)

The rising foam of responses. Whatever. You're dumb. That's stupid. You're just trying to hurt me. You're not thinking straight. That is so like you. Your Dad is a psycho who treated you like shit and you'd rather be with him. You'll never get better there. All flicked past me, one at a time in order, all seemed like good retorts but in the end it was that simple one word question: “Why?” Which was, at least for me, a bizarrely out of character response. And almost the kind of thing somebody normal might reply with.

"I never really dealt with my stuff with my dad.  I just sort of... ignored it.  Got stronger on my own.  More aggressive.  Learned to fight for myself.  But you saw how nervous I was to wear one of those dresses, like it would turn me into a little girl again.  Like I'd be weak." There weren't any tears.  This was just... speaking from the heart. "You made me realize how stupid that was.  And I'm actually really happy you did.  But... you used me too.  Dressed me up and made me do things... hurt me.  And I can pretend all that didn't happen or get tougher or keep fighting you.  That's all we do, you know?  Fight.  And sometimes it's fun, even though a lot of the times it's not.  And I keep thinking... I keep thinking, maybe if I keep fighting with you, I'll win.  And I'll be bigger and stronger and no one can touch me!  Then I'll be safe.  But you know when I feel safe?" I had told Marnie, but I hadn't told Adele. "When I'm using that pacifier.  When I'm quiet and soft and weak.  And I can't be like that around you right now.  Maybe ever." I thought about it for a minute. "But... I think I can be that way with Marnie.  She's always been my best friend.  And I trust her.  And I'm tired of being strong.  So... when the semester is over - if she'll come with me, anyway - I would like to move home."

I nodded while she talked, I listened, and for maybe the first time in my life I didn't try to take control of the situation. I wondered about that, I wondered about if I could ever be controlling and fierce for the right reasons... "Do you ever think you might not be afraid of me, Bess? Do you think there might be something I could do to help you... not be afraid? If going home is... if going home is what it takes..." Jesus. "I'm a force of nature, you said that once. And I guess I just wanna be that girl who uses her fire to protect you, instead of burn you. Who puts you down for bed with your pacifier when you come home in tears, and goes and yells at your professors until they realize how great you are." Here I was, babbling about me again, though. "I'm sorry, I'm being selfish, aren't I?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I dunno... I'm seeing a therapist every week, and I'm talking about it.  I'm sort of learning, I guess?  I never really knew there was so much to talk about." It was strange, how the fire and anger between us had dwindled in only a minute or two.  Now, we talked like old friends.  It was almost nostalgic, of a time that never existed. "I think you should too.  Talk to someone about why you'd do something like... like what you did to me."

I scoffed. I didn't mean to. But it was an ingrained response and when she looked at me in disappointment I waved my hands quickly to explain. "No no, I'm not laughing at you or at the suggestion! I was just... " How awkward. "People in my family see therapy as something weak people need... and thats how I was brought up, that you take what you want, and if you hate how things are, you force them to change." Maybe her Dad wasn't the only fucked up one. "Anyway... I was laughing because I'm brought up to know this one thing as truth, and the moment you suggest the opposite, I consider it. I see the value in it..." A therapist? Yeah, alright, she was right: maybe I needed that. But god if my family ever found out…

"You know, it took me getting hospitalized for us to have an actual conversation?" "We've had conversations," she countered. "Not ones where you weren't looking to use them against me." She pouted, but she knew I was right.  I was more open with Adele than any other person in my life, and she and I had only one real moment together.

"I'm sorry I kissed you just now. I don't know, I felt like I could just make it all go away, but life's not like that... I can't just make you forget what I did, any more than I can make myself forget how I feel for you." And it made no sense, I had no reason to be so smitten with her, with someone I hated so much before, with someone I hurt so badly. "I'll start seeing a therapist, Bess. I think it's a good idea... this really clever girl I know told me so, anyway..." And.... “And I'll try to help you feel less afraid of me, and if it doesn't work, or even if you just don't want to try, then I won't try to stop you going home. No kidnappings, no grand displays, no big gestures..."

"You know, I really wish I didn't hate you."  Adele nodded and said, "I really wish I didn't love you." "If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have let me go in the first place.  I'd probably still be locked up in your club room." "And if you didn't hate me, we'd just kiss and fuck and fight until our problems caught up with us again." My cheeks went pink. "I'm not gay," I repeated. "But still... probably better it turned out this way."

"I worry about you going home." It was hard to think of what to say after that exchange, hard to gather my words and thoughts. It took a moment. "I think I'm not too different from your Dad, and that worries me because you'll be going back to that and I wonder just how much help that would be for you." I felt sick to make the comparison, but it was a true one. "We're alike, because we both used your insecurities against you, we both hurt you. I just wonder if... he's willing to try and change... to be better for you?" I couldn't think of a way to put it that didn't make me sound selfish. "What are you thinking? Right now?"

"Mm... well, my dad never hit me again.  And I think he really regrets it.  I was like, fourteen or something, and he was really drunk, and he went on this huge tirade about how sorry he was.  So..." Adele looked up at me with hope in her eyes.  That was a very obvious emotion to convey with a look, and she sure had it. "Did you... forgive him?" I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not sure... I don't think what he did was okay, not under any circumstances.  But, he's spent every day since trying to make it up to me.  I think that's the makings of forgiveness, at least."

I didn't have much to say to that. I ached to think about it, that I could go down to the store and buy every club member a Macbook if I wanted, but no amount of money or power could fill the hole this dumb girl had carved out in my heart. "Maybe it's just karma at work, maybe it's the universe saying ‘screw you, Adele, you did an awful thing and now you'll be forever unrequited.’” Which wasn't even true, because I knew she had feelings for me... "I won't give up, you know? I won't chase you... but I won't give up, either. I'll be a better person, maybe not someone ever good enough to deserve you, but maybe someone good enough for you to accept despite that."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, whatever you say." The truth was, Adele and I... we were a risky bet.  Would she ever recognize her faults and overcome them?  Would she submit to them?  Would she accept them or pass them off as another weakness, like seeing a therapist?  When she came to terms with herself, and who she was, would that person be deserving of me, or anyone, or of anything?  Or was she destined to be the girl who had snapped that collar on my neck?  I had acknowledged the irrationality of my associations with those frilly dresses, but would I ever lay them to rest in my mind?  Would I ever be able to pop a pacifier in my mouth at night with arms around my stomach and not feel like the stupidest person on the planet?  Could I open up to anyone outside a near-death-experience and the closed door of a second-story hospital room?  Even if I did, would I ever stop fighting, or is fighting my security now?  And if I stopped, would I ever consider how Adele's lips felt on mine?  Would it be worth exploring?  And if it was, if the pieces fell into place, and her and I were the best of ourselves, would we see the best in each other?  If we did, could we even be friends?  Would she be my type?  Would I be hers?  Were we two burning ships, passing inches apart on a clear moonlight night?  Or were we two tiny boats that find each other through stormy waters, oceans apart?  I don’t know.  Adele and I... it would be too much of a coincidence to ever really happen.

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[YourFNF]

This fuck!!! I feel so morally conflicted. I just can't help seeing Adele as a monster and I want her to loose. And part of me feel like a hypocrite justice should be restorative but what she did? And yet who I am to tell Bess how to handle her trauma am I being controlling but from a different direction? I need a hot shower and a drink. I feel gross.

[Pudding]

39 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 "You know, I really wish I didn't hate you."  Adele nodded and said, "I really wish I didn't love you." "If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have let me go in the first place.  I'd probably still be locked up in your club room." "And if you didn't hate me, we'd just kiss and fuck and fight until our problems caught up with us again."

Honestly the best thing we've ever written. 

[Sophie ♥]

Only two chapters left!  Both are epilogues.  

[ELLIE52]

I guess there is no good ending for this?   Karma only?

[diaperpt]

2 hours ago, Pudding said:

3 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"You know, I really wish I didn't hate you."  Adele nodded and said, "I really wish I didn't love you." "If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have let me go in the first place.  I'd probably still be locked up in your club room." "And if you didn't hate me, we'd just kiss and fuck and fight until our problems caught up with us again."

Honestly the best thing we've ever written. 

You've written so much great stuff I won't try to declare anything as good, better, best, but this was good!

And... I love how the two are at least curbing their own defensive defaults and looking deep into themselves. The last paragraph contains a lot of questions but they certainly are important ones... that will take more introspection, vulnerability, lived experience and possible failure to answer. I figure the epilogues will tell us - at least whether there might eventually be answers to those questions.

Even including the horribly abusive behavior on Adele's part, with which I am absolutely fine in a story format, I loved this story. So far. I shouldn't say that prematurely until I've read the epilogues!

[Sophie ♥]

Sorry I haven't been replying to this thread a lot!!  Thanks for all the thoughts and kind words regarding Adele and Bess's new situation.  I hope the epilogue helps put things at ease and finalizes the story.  I'm going to post both parts today, so this story should be complete in the next few hours.