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The Stress of ABDL & Living with Girlfriend


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First of all, I apologize for being a huge lurker in the past. However, I've recently started begun living with my vanilla girlfriend of several years who still is not aware of my DL side. On one hand, I can't describe how much I enjoy the feel of wearing diapers, and on the other hand, I can't describe the anxiety I have caused myself by wearing diapers either secretly when she's around or more openly wearing when she's not around. I feel that I have an enormous amount to lose if I were discovered and sometimes I believe I would be better off if I just ignored my desires, but  then such desires simply build and build in the background. Although I have never shared my secret with her, I'm 100% certain she would have nothing to do with it and would likely end the relationship soon after.

I'm thoroughly entangled in my relationship because of the amount of friends and family now involved, so the idea of starting over again in the hope of meeting some long-shot DL girl seems out of the question. However, our current sex life is almost non-existent and I feel my DL desires drifting farther and farther away into the realm of fantasy. In the end, I guess what I'm really asking is when you boil it all down, how do you guys cope with this sort of situation? Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. 

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1 hour ago, Leroy999 said:

First of all, I apologize for being a huge lurker in the past. However, I've recently started begun living with my vanilla girlfriend of several years who still is not aware of my DL side. On one hand, I can't describe how much I enjoy the feel of wearing diapers, and on the other hand, I can't describe the anxiety I have caused myself by wearing diapers either secretly when she's around or more openly wearing when she's not around. I feel that I have an enormous amount to lose if I were discovered and sometimes I believe I would be better off if I just ignored my desires, but  then such desires simply build and build in the background. Although I have never shared my secret with her, I'm 100% certain she would have nothing to do with it and would likely end the relationship soon after hearing of my interests . 

I'm throughly entangled in my relationship because of the amount of friends and family now involved, so the idea of starting over again in the hope of meeting some long-shot DL girl seems out of the question. However, our current sex life is almost non-existent and I feel my DL desires drifting farther and farther away into the realm of fantasy. In the end, I guess what I'm really asking is when you boil it all down, how do you guys cope with this sort of situation? Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. 

5

I find this really sad that you felt like you can't be 100% with your girlfriend after being together for several years. For me, that is a pretty big red flag - and the fact that you are THAT positive that she will leave you if/when she finds out - is also pretty bad.

Your desires for wearing diapers will never go away. You may be able to suppress them for a little while, but never forever. It is a part of who you are and personally, I feel you should be with someone who can at least accept who you are, even if they aren't in the diapers themselves. At the same time, this is unfair to her, as she should be able to make that decision if it's something she can deal with or not. I would not be happy to find that the person I loved and trusted for so long - had such a HUGE secret behind held from me. It's one of those "Well if he's hiding this from me - so what else?" so to speak.

In the end, you are kinda pushed up against a rock and a hard place. Personally, I think you need to tell her, if she leaves you, then it's obvious that you both weren't meant for each other. Probably not the advice you were seeking for, but just speaking from my own personal experiences and point of view.

I hope it works out, either way, though.

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I agree with Mamabug. If your years-long relationship is really that fragile then there is no future for it. If, God forbid, you ever got married she'd divorce you at the first slight hiccup if she's THAT shallow.

I totally understand your fears, as I'm sure all of us here can. And while I may disagree with the notion that these desires cannot be managed somehow, suppressing them out of fear is just not healthy or sustainable.

Might I ask what exactly is the extent of your desires? Are you just a DL? Or do you want to be full-blown babied?

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4 hours ago, Leroy999 said:

First of all, I apologize for being a huge lurker in the past. However, I've recently started begun living with my vanilla girlfriend of several years who still is not aware of my DL side. On one hand, I can't describe how much I enjoy the feel of wearing diapers, and on the other hand, I can't describe the anxiety I have caused myself by wearing diapers either secretly when she's around or more openly wearing when she's not around. I feel that I have an enormous amount to lose if I were discovered and sometimes I believe I would be better off if I just ignored my desires, but  then such desires simply build and build in the background. Although I have never shared my secret with her, I'm 100% certain she would have nothing to do with it and would likely end the relationship soon after hearing of my interests . 

I'm throughly entangled in my relationship because of the amount of friends and family now involved, so the idea of starting over again in the hope of meeting some long-shot DL girl seems out of the question. However, our current sex life is almost non-existent and I feel my DL desires drifting farther and farther away into the realm of fantasy. In the end, I guess what I'm really asking is when you boil it all down, how do you guys cope with this sort of situation? Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. 

Honesty is the strength of any relationship.  If your significant other catches you wearing diapers behind her back then you will significantly amplify tensions by being dishonest.  I am not saying that this in not the best decision for your relationship because only you know the dynamics of the relationship you are in.  I also agree that your diapered desires can be managed but at what cost to your happiness only you can answer.  Diapers drive all of us in different directions.  For some like me we are happiest only when we are in them all the time.  For others an every now then padding fulfills their needs.  

I would start tackling this issue by first identifying what diapers mean to you.  You are the only one that knows that answer and you are also the only one that has the power to accept them wearing them.

Next you have to make a decision.  What ever the choice is you may be faced with the consequences of that choice.  Tell her, continue to be dishonest, or sacrifice your desires for the love you have for your realtionship.  

When you love someone simply having a secret is burdensome enough.  It is stressful and mentally puts you in a place that is complicating.  You will always feel this if you continue doing what you do now.  It also makes you view this situation in a glass half empty kind of way.  You are focusing more on the bad "what ifs" as opposed to the possible positive ones.  

Knowing through personal experience with my own wife that I believe the right answer here is honesty.  It takes a heavy burden off your mind and heart when you come out of the diaper closet especially to someone who is your partner even if they do not greet it with open arms.  You need to do that to put yourself in a better place.  This without a doubt is very challenging but if two people in a relationship truly love one another then love finds a way to figure everything out.

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I will chime in on some advise as well. But, I’d pretty much be echoing what’s been said. I know it maybe a hard pill to swallow, but you have to let your girlfriend know. She could be more hurt, by the fact you are keeping something from her, then what it is you are keeping secret. Her reaction to, your under estimating her resolve, could be what bothers her more. You have to give her, the benefit of the doubt in this. You will have to explain the situation to her, and let it sit with her. It’s very scary, to have to lay that faith out there, but it’s something you should be doing, to be fair. 

I know the feelings very well myself. I kept my secret from everyone, for a very long time, still do. The only other person who knows, would be my wife. I got very lucky in meeting my wife, I have to say. We met on a similar site, and first became friends, got to know each other, and long story short, married. So she did know, going in from the very start, about my diaper desires. However, she didn’t know the actual depth of this. It’s still not anything upsetting to her, which is good for me. This is mostly do to, my life long carefulness, and not letting anything, slip. It’s what I learned to do, to protect myself. Now, I sometimes still struggle, with being out in the open to my wife. I have to consciously remind myself, not to keep my DL related desires from her. So, it is somewhat of an ongoing struggle for me. 

I hope what I say, will help you in some way. Feel free, to take what you may from it. And, I wish you good luck. I hope you keep us up to date on what happens? 

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Wow, I really appreciate all of those thoughtful and supportive answers. I wanted to clarify that our relationship is still very strong and not on the rocks or anything. I would say that besides having a disconnect when it comes to physical intimacy and diapers we do a remarkably good job of compartmentalizing this one bad section off so that other aspects can flourish. 

As for my interests, I'm just a plain ol' DL without any personal interest in AB stuff (sorry for the confusion above when I used the term ABDL). Only being a DL is definitely convenient to flying under the radar. We live together in a two bedroom apartment and I'm always extremely mindful to keep my stash locked up. As a result of the confined quarters, I feel that I need to over-analyze everything to make sure even the smallest detail doesn't seem off. However,  I'm a getting tired of always being stressed out and wondering if today is gonna be the day I leave something incriminating out in the apartment without a plausible excuse.  Also, it's a little scary how the more I conceal my DL ways, the more comfortable I become with hiding or concealing other bad facts that might have a negative impact on our relationship. 

In the end, I think the best solution is maybe to lay off the diapers for a while. There's just simply no way I can rationalize the chance of having my secret DL desires brought to the open around my friends and family. I don't want to be too specific, but it seems very likely that it could even affect my professional life. At the same time, giving in to my desire to wear also seems increasingly untenable with all of the risk and brain damage from the stress. 

Thanks again for the advice and bearing with me on this. I know my solution is by no means optimal. However, I must say that I feel somewhat better already after talking to other human beings for once about my issue. 

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31 minutes ago, Leroy999 said:

In the end, I think the best solution is maybe to lay off the diapers for a while.

So your solution is to just put this off even longer?

I'm not trying to be harsh, nor am I trying to push you towards any particular decision, but the longer you wait the harder it's going to be for everyone when this does come out. And it will come oit eventually. Maybe not now, maybe not 20 years from now, but do not be deceived, all things eventually come to light.

I think it would be best for you to make a choice, one way or the other, right now in front of all of us:

Tell her the truth or attempt to give up being a DL for good.

Which is it gonna be?

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5 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

So your solution is to just put this off even longer?

I'm not trying to be harsh, nor am I trying to push you towards any particular decision, but the longer you wait the harder it's going to be for everyone when this does come out. And it will come oit eventually. Maybe not now, maybe not 20 years from now, but do not be deceived, all things eventually come to light.

I think it would be best for you to make a choice, one way or the other, right now in front of all of us:

Tell her the truth or attempt to give up being a DL for good.

Which is it gonna be?

I agree with you completely but as you said your desire to wear diapers can be managed.  If he has the ability to stop wearing diapers then the problem is solved.  I do believe he should do this only if he will be happy in doing so.  If it is simply a purge cycle then his desires may return stronger than ever and really make situations worse.

Unfortunately we can not really control who we fall in love with.  I do believe if you have any desires to wear diapers no matter what they are the normal vanilla woman is generally going to have difficulties understanding those desires.  My wife once told me I am married to a big sexual freak and I know this because I am one too.  It most certainly helps if your partner understands fetishes and desires a few themselves.

6 hours ago, Leroy999 said:

Wow, I really appreciate all of those thoughtful and supportive answers. I wanted to clarify that our relationship is still very strong and not on the rocks or anything. I would say that besides having a disconnect when it comes to physical intimacy and diapers we do a remarkably good job of compartmentalizing this one bad section off so that other aspects can flourish. 

As for my interests, I'm just a plain ol' DL without any personal interest in AB stuff (sorry for the confusion above when I used the term ABDL). Only being a DL is definitely convenient to flying under the radar. We live together in a two bedroom apartment and I'm always extremely mindful to keep my stash locked up. As a result of the confined quarters, I feel that I need to over-analyze everything to make sure even the smallest detail doesn't seem off. However,  I'm a getting tired of always being stressed out and wondering if today is gonna be the day I leave something incriminating out in the apartment without a plausible excuse.  Also, it's a little scary how the more I conceal my DL ways, the more comfortable I become with hiding or concealing other bad facts that might have a negative impact on our relationship. 

In the end, I think the best solution is maybe to lay off the diapers for a while. There's just simply no way I can rationalize the chance of having my secret DL desires brought to the open around my friends and family. I don't want to be too specific, but it seems very likely that it could even affect my professional life. At the same time, giving in to my desire to wear also seems increasingly untenable with all of the risk and brain damage from the stress. 

Thanks again for the advice and bearing with me on this. I know my solution is by no means optimal. However, I must say that I feel somewhat better already after talking to other human beings for once about my issue. 

This is why we are here.  Nothing like having an actual diaper wearing support group at your disposal during tough times on this subject.  It can be an emotional roller coaster for sure and can take you to some very dark places.  This is the perfect example as to why this message board is so vital to so many of us.

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5 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

So your solution is to just put this off even longer?

I'm not trying to be harsh, nor am I trying to push you towards any particular decision, but the longer you wait the harder it's going to be for everyone when this does come out. And it will come oit eventually. Maybe not now, maybe not 20 years from now, but do not be deceived, all things eventually come to light.

I think it would be best for you to make a choice, one way or the other, right now in front of all of us:

Tell her the truth or attempt to give up being a DL for good.

Which is it gonna be?

100% this!!!

If you can be completely happy and don't need the diapers to compete you - then I think this would be an easy task. However, I do believe this fetish/lifestyle is a part of who we are - even if we only say it's 100% sexual or 100% comfort or the mix of the two. Most of us had these desires for a very long time. It's a part of who we are. It's not going to go away.  as Wannatripbaby said, you may be able to ignore those urges for some time, but are you going to forever?

Or more importantly do you even really want too?

I always said that relationships are more important then fetishes - BUT, I do believe you should be able to be open/honesty with your partner about everything, especially regarding something so intimate. 

I hope your choice turns out to be the right one, though.

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8 hours ago, mamabug said:

I always said that relationships are more important then fetishes - BUT, I do believe you should be able to be open/honesty with your partner about everything, especially regarding something so intimate. 

 

So I definitely see where you guys are coming from in demanding bold, decisive action to lay it all out there on the line. Also, I agree that it will be no easy task to lay off the diapers for a while. Like someone mentioned above, I've also had the desire to wear diapers since almost as far back as I can remember so I know what that's like.

Diapers certainly have had and will always have a role to play in my life, but it seems appropriate to take a step back and not let the tail wag the dog. In other words, if I consent to Wannatripbaby's plan then I'm virtually certain to destroy one of the most important relationships I've ever had, most likely out my DL side to friends in the process, and find myself alone at the end of all of it. I don't know about you guys, but that seems a little like running your life through a one dimensional screen and watching the world burn when things don't go so smoothly. At the end of the day, I think I'd rather let my fetishes move to accommodate my personal relationships rather than vice versa. But hey, maybe I'm 100% wrong about this and my DL desires are going to come screaming back from under the rug ten times stronger than before in a month or two. 

Either way, I've sincerely enjoyed the discussion so thank you all for that. 

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Like I have said none of us here know you and your relationship other than what you have kindly shared with us.  The advice I give is based off MY experiences of wearing diapers during three marriages.  At the end of the day you are the one that decides what is best for both you and your relationship.  I commend you because you will be attempting to do something I was not even willing to try and that is sacrifice your desire to wear diapers for your partner.  In my relationship my wife made the sacrifice to accept me wearing diapers.

The most important thing that I feel you have learned here is that you cannot wear diapers behind her back.  By choosing to take them off you are no longer being dishonest and that is so important.

Before I knew of this board I too went through very challenging times in my relationship with my wife because of my desires for diapers.  I was given some really bad advice by people I was close with to include wear diapers behind her back, find a new partner, and even pay a professional for diapering attention.  I believe I am married today because I chose the hard route of accepting who I am and being honest about diapers to both myself and partner.  Facing the cold hard facts paid off for me as today I sit here happily married wearing diapers permanently.  I promise you from the bottom of my heart I wish you the best.

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No matter how terrifying it seems, opening up is the best thing you could do, even if it doesn’t have the results that you hope and wish for. For me, I had reached a point in my life where I decided that I was never going to tell any friends, family, or girlfriend. That all changed 3 months into my engagement with my, now, wife. Long story short, she asked me if I knew that there were people who liked to wear diapers and dress and act like babies; in that moment I knew I needed to tell her. It was incredibly difficult for me to actually get the words out, but when I did, she only reaffirmed her love for me. Admittedly from there, it’s taken a long time - nearly two years for her to get to point where she was comfortable (and understood) with me wearing. I truly hope that if you can muster up the strength to tell her, that you have similar results.

One last thing, I have a hard time understanding/believing that you secretly wear around her without her knowing. If you’ve worn diapers around her, I feel like she may already know?

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5 hours ago, Leroy999 said:

Diapers certainly have had and will always have a role to play in my life, but it seems appropriate to take a step back and not let the tail wag the dog. 

*Facepalm* Leroy, you aren't listening. It's not fair to HER for you to keep this secret from her! Saying you're gonna give it up "for a while" is basically you saying "I'll deal with it later, not right now." That is a very selfish and immature attitude, sir.

What are you trying to do? Tell us your thought process on this one: HOW is temporarily suppressing your desires going to help ANYTHING in the long run???

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I don't care what people say diapers should not be shameful. I have never dated anyone in this lifestyle but I have a vanilla girlfriend and she loves and accepted me outright. Be honest with her. I wish you all the luck but what a shit situation to be in. I don't believe you should hide who you are that's not fair to you or her. 

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