Just wanted to put some stuff somewhere!

[WakkoWannaBe]

Hey all,

First of all, thanks for clicking/reading. I've had a few thoughts on my mind lately, and I don't expect any replies or anything, but I did want to at least type everything out.

Normally, dealing with depression and anxiety, I just kind of find a way to "stay afloat." There are lots of things that make me anxious, and I take more depression naps than I should, but at the end of the day, I do eventually clean my room (eehh maybe after several days), make it to work on time, or find a way to do The Thing (TM) that's bugging me. I might be a hot mess while doing The Thing, but I do it. This is just my reality and it has been for probably way longer than I realize. 

Though, in the past couple weeks, I've kinda been...growing? Expanding and contracting? I've been a low-key furry for a long time now, but I bit the bullet and commissioned someone to draw some sonas of mine, then I started to try my hand at writing stories about one of them. I also fell in love with a certain artist and a comic they're drawing, about a friendship between two little critters, which made me feel really funny for some reason. I feel like I've almost gone through a furry version of the ABDL binge-purge cycle. Which is it's own issue altogether. But what I think is evoking the most, and the weirdest, feelings is this comic that I started reading ("Art and Biro: Art the Lonely Guy" for those interested). It's about these two young kids, one of whom just moved and is having trouble making friends. He thinks he makes one friend, but that friend betrays him by not helping him fend off some bullies. He then finds another friend and is shy at first, but it looks like they're gonna be good for each other. This brings up a lot of feelings for me because my family moved when I was in 4th grade, so I really hated school for a long time. I think that we can all kind of empathize with the whole "fake friend" trope used in the comic, it really really makes me feel kinda funny (like there's a hole in my chest). I hate it. I'm afraid that the comic won't continue, or it will continue but I'll forget about it. I just want to see those little friends grow up and be okay!

The thought process that that comic has brought up kind of triggered a whole other thought process. The comic got me thinking "man I really hated school and I really feel this character." Which, in turn, got me thinking, "what if the only reason why I'm continuing to higher education (context: starting my PhD soon, finished my MA last year) is that I feel that I need to 'defeat' school? To go the farthest I can go?" It's also kinda made me realize that I'm not that much into books or higher thinking (more context: literature PhD student). I haven't read a single book this year, not that I haven't tried, but it's just not something that I do or that I enjoy as much as I thought I did. The fact that I haven't started my reading list for my PhD exam (probably next March is when that'll happen) really is causing me a lot of distress. The idea of going back to school, in general, stresses me out. Couple all of this with the fact that I find school really stressful, and I don't think I find it very fulfilling at this point. I fund studies by teaching students at the university, which also is a thankless task. It's such a stressful endeavor that I'm not sure I get anything out of anymore, and I wonder what else I could do with my life if it weren't teaching. I've put so much time and energy into my education, it feels like a cop out to switch to another field, to say nothing of the question of "what other fields could I switch to?"

Which got me started on another thought process: I try to read a lot. I buy books, and I start a lot of books, but my focus never holds for long. When I do manage to finish one, I usually enjoy it, but I'm lucky to get a few pages in at a time. I move so slowly that I forget characters or events. I'm wondering if I should ask to be screened for AD(H)D? Then again, I'm 27 and this is only just now becoming an issue (or maybe it's always been an issue, it's just that it's just now causing distress). Not only can I not hold interest/focus on a book, but also when it comes to games or projects I have. I've all but stopped playing my usual animal crossing and monster hunter and Runescape.  I was also trying to write some stories for my fursonas, but I've pretty much lost all interest there also. I seem to prefer to have vague daydreams about him, rather than write specific stories.  And my lack of ability to focus doesn't apply just to books or writing, but also to things like doing laundry and making the bed. So, I'm seeing some troubling signs of [insert a myriad of disorders here]. I do take solace in the fact that I'll have easier access to healthcare when I'm back in school, and I intend to make use of it.

Furthermore, work has been stressful. When I go the extra mile (and I've been doing that a lot lately, because there's only a handful of us), nobody seems to notice. I also have taken some heat that isn't mine to take, I feel. I'm actually kinda anxious to show up to work today because I'll probably be taking some heat for not doing a few things the other day [a big long story, I had to drive to a different store and use their oven to bake our goods in. I wouldn't have been able to get everything done, plus my closer showed up 2 hrs late. So. Shitstorm]. Another thing happening in my personal life is a hiking trip with my Dad. Which, I'm looking forward to since it'll be just me and him hiking around. Also, though, I'm kinda wondering if he just wants to ask me if I'm gay or not (:/), and the whole trip feels kinda last minute, forced, and half-hearted on his part. I wonder if my Mom is 'making' him go on a trip with me.

I'm also already worried about moving back to Indiana for school. Apartments, roommates, storage units, etc. I've done everything I can do right now, but just sitting here makes me anxious. I know it's coming up soon, I just want it to be over. It's gonna be time to move before I know it!

So that's what's been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. Today, in specific, has been kinda weird. I've been writing a whole bunch of stuff. Stuff that's been in my head. I wrote down a suicide note, I made a bunch of progress on a fanfic that I started last year but only wrote one paragraph of. I'm writing this post. I'm doing these things because I've had these scripts in my head for a long time. I knew that, if I were to write a suicide note, what it would look like and say. Same goes for the fanfic and for this post. So instead of just having it in my head, I decided to write it all down. I feel fine, don't worry, I did write a (fictional) suicide note, but I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'm just communicating how weird of a day it's been.

Again, I find a way to stay afloat, always. It's been an interesting couple of weeks, as I discover these things about myself and as I face these hard-hitting questions. But we'll get through it. I'm looking forward to moving back to Indiana for the fact that I'll see my close friends there, and that I'll once again have access to mental health services. Again, I don't want to alarm anyone with my message here, I'm feeling fine (if not a bit over-caffeinated xD) today, but I did want to type out this post because it's just been locked in my head for so long. If you read it this far, then I thank you =), if not, then I understand. I expect no replies or anything, I just wanted this out of my head and onto 'paper!'

Thanks all! I hope that y'all're doing okay.

-Wakko

[ELLIE52]

Wow!  I just saw this.   I don't think you want advice, but are just seeking release, but I have a couple of thoughts.

You've really put some thoughts down here.  Maybe it helped and maybe it didn't.  When you go back to school, your access to mental health should be something to lessen your anxiety and help you get and stay focused.  Or maybe just writing all this down has done the trick.  Sometimes just letting it all out can be beneficial.

I understand some of this post because I also had a lot of education, seemingly headed nowhere:  fear of the unknown (for me), anxiety, stress.   I really think though, from my own experience, that you need to start focusing on your PhD.  Like you say, you've put too much into it to abandon it.  Or you could just take a few weeks to do something fun, get refreshed.

I'm not even going to address everything you mentioned.   Going to school so long, focused on one area, can tend to drive a person a little over the edge and get tired of their studies.  It's true that we change some as we grow older, but at some point your love for literature will return.  It will be easier today to get the full course of study done rather than later if you abandon ship and then decide to return to it.  That's just my 2 cents worth.  If you really want to remain in academia, you are going to need this PhD, and once you start receiving a regular paycheck, it won't seem so thankless.  Any other choice you make at this time will probably need as much schooling and be a lesser degree.

It could be that your Dad just wants to talk to you about school and what comes after school or even just spend some time with you.  I wouldn't get too anxious over that yet. Maybe you could even have a good time and relax some.

[WakkoWannaBe]

Thanks Ellie =).

I got back from my trip the other day and am feeling, overall, very refreshed! Though I am kind of physically exhausted! It definitely did me good, I just spent some quality time with good ol' Dad. Thanks for the 2 cents and for reading the post! I know I kinda hit a ton of topics, and probably didn't come across as too organized. I definitely agree with everything you're saying! 

[Bettypooh]

We humans aren't fish who must stay in the water swimming from start to finish. Sometimes we need to get out of the water and spend some time relaxing on the beach before we're ready to jump back in the ocean of humanity once again  And that is allegorically what I'm doing today, and if want, tomorrow too. Feels better already 

Bettypooh