Critique requested regarding my female characters

[Pwy ydy'r tad]

I was hoping someone on here would be willing to give me some feedback on my story, particularly with regard to my writing of the female protagonist.

Recently I came across this article on male writers inabilities to write female characters and I began to wonder how I fared in this department. 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/apr/06/cleavage-male-authors-women-writer

I'm particularly interested as I'm about to embark on a serious non-fetish writing project with a female lead. Did I do well or were there any moments that made people roll their eyes and go "Ugh, that was clearly written by a man"?  I'll grant you that since this is a fetish story I did focus on Jen's underwear (among other things) more than I would under other circumstances but I didn't linger on her breasts much so maybe I'm on the right track?

Any and all comments greatly appreciated. 

[Elibean]

Before anything else is said, it's very cool of you to ask! That's one of the big issues within the larger problem. No one believes men shouldn't write women, but this trope is what happens when there aren't women editors or the men aren't reading women authors.

I haven't read your story in full yet, but yeah, that first sequence's dressing scene did leap out at me.

>>My hands shook as I unbuttoned my blouse, slowly revealing a pale pink lace bra. Once the blouse had been taken I unzipped my skirt letting it fall to the floor. I rolled my pantyhose down my legs and stood in just my matching underwear set, the last vestige of my own sense of style. I lingered as long as I could but after a few seconds the guard singled her impatience so I unhooked my bra and slip off my panties.

This is clunky. Enough that I would normally put down the story since it bodes poorly for the rest, fetish fiction or not. In this case, you do have an actual reason to draw attention to the narrator's clothes since you're setting up a contrast, but the level of detail is distracting and off. For example, there's no story reason to write "pale pink lace bra" - that's just too many words for one, and probably none of the words have to do with why she picked that bra for court, you know? I don't know what sort of characteristics we're supposed to read into her having matching underwear, but it doesn't seem relevant to the scene. How this particular passage comes across to me as the reader (and the reason I'd abandon most stories here) is the lack of empathy that the article mentioned. It seems more focused on the clothes than on Jen's experience as a human who's just been sentenced to jail, and that doesn't help readers connect to her.

[ausdpr]

The difference between male and female authors writing the opposite sex is pretty strongly evident to me in non-fetish fiction. Just the difference between Raymond E Feist and Janny Wurts when doing Midkemia stories for example. Even in less overt examples, the opposite sex often just feels wrong when written by many authors.

That being said, in kink fiction, it might not be so much of an issue, you're explicitly writing for sexual fantasy rather than letting it overcome your non-sexual story and causing that to seem ridiculous.

[Wannatripbaby]

I have not read your story, but I can tell you this: the secret to writing good female chais simply to write Good Characters. Men and women aren't really all that intrinsically different when you get down to the deeper details.

[Pwy ydy'r tad]

19 hours ago, Elibean said:

Before anything else is said, it's very cool of you to ask! That's one of the big issues within the larger problem. No one believes men shouldn't write women, but this trope is what happens when there aren't women editors or the men aren't reading women authors.

I haven't read your story in full yet, but yeah, that first sequence's dressing scene did leap out at me.

>>My hands shook as I unbuttoned my blouse, slowly revealing a pale pink lace bra. Once the blouse had been taken I unzipped my skirt letting it fall to the floor. I rolled my pantyhose down my legs and stood in just my matching underwear set, the last vestige of my own sense of style. I lingered as long as I could but after a few seconds the guard singled her impatience so I unhooked my bra and slip off my panties.

This is clunky. Enough that I would normally put down the story since it bodes poorly for the rest, fetish fiction or not. In this case, you do have an actual reason to draw attention to the narrator's clothes since you're setting up a contrast, but the level of detail is distracting and off. For example, there's no story reason to write "pale pink lace bra" - that's just too many words for one, and probably none of the words have to do with why she picked that bra for court, you know? I don't know what sort of characteristics we're supposed to read into her having matching underwear, but it doesn't seem relevant to the scene. How this particular passage comes across to me as the reader (and the reason I'd abandon most stories here) is the lack of empathy that the article mentioned. It seems more focused on the clothes than on Jen's experience as a human who's just been sentenced to jail, and that doesn't help readers connect to her.

Thank you for your feedback. I'm always looking to improve my writing so it would be foolish not to seek out crticism.

I'll take what you said under advisement. I know that over-wording is a bad habit of mine so I'll try to be more mindful of that in the future. The part about the level of detail was interesting,  originally I wanted to create as complete a picture as possible but it's useful to know that I need to keep things more focused and relevant. I would argue that the relevance was that Jen was someone with a very carefully controlled image and how she presents herself (ie. how she dresses) was important. I also intended her to be a bit shallow at the beginning with the loss of her clothes representing a loss of her old life. However if these ideas didn't come across then it's my failing as a writer. However I'd be lying if I said that the detailed description of her underwear wasn't to indulge my own fetish for such things, call it wilfully gratuitous. 

But if you do get past that first stumbling block then I'd be interested in any further thoughts you have, hopefully once she's in the prison things will improve. 

 

6 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I have not read your story, but I can tell you this: the secret to writing good female chais simply to write Good Characters. Men and women aren't really all that intrinsically different when you get down to the deeper details.

No one sets out to write bad characters but intent and execution are two very different things. I tried to make my protagonist a good character but ultimately it's not for me to say how well I succeeded. 

[Wannatripbaby]

37 minutes ago, Pwy ydy'r tad said:

No one sets out to write bad characters

I would argue with you on that point. A lot of Fetish story writers really don't care about making good characters and just want to get to the action, as it were. You at least appear to be trying, which is a good sign.

[Elibean]

27 minutes ago, Pwy ydy'r tad said:

I would argue that the relevance was that Jen was someone with a very carefully controlled image and how she presents herself (ie. how she dresses) was important. I also intended her to be a bit shallow at the beginning with the loss of her clothes representing a loss of her old life. However if these ideas didn't come across then it's my failing as a writer. 

The intention and symbolism absolutely came across, but it's the details that tell on the men-writing-women thing. Imagine a man picking out an outfit for court. Does he spend more time debating which pair of boxers to wear or which tie? Probably the tie, right? And if he's a rich pop-star, the boxers are probably ready-to-wear but the tie from a limited line. That blouse of Jen's could be couture, tailored, but more importantly, it will be long out of season when her sentence is over. It's probably a better symbol for the loss of her old life.

[WBDaddy]

On 4/9/2018 at 5:33 PM, Elibean said:

The intention and symbolism absolutely came across, but it's the details that tell on the men-writing-women thing. Imagine a man picking out an outfit for court. Does he spend more time debating which pair of boxers to wear or which tie? Probably the tie, right? And if he's a rich pop-star, the boxers are probably ready-to-wear but the tie from a limited line. That blouse of Jen's could be couture, tailored, but more importantly, it will be long out of season when her sentence is over. It's probably a better symbol for the loss of her old life.

Not to self-reference, but look at the battle the protagonist has with her lawyer in the opening of "A Little Legal Issue" for an example here.  Focus is completely on the pantsuit she insisted on wearing into the courtroom.

[Pwy ydy'r tad]

On 4/9/2018 at 10:33 PM, Elibean said:

The intention and symbolism absolutely came across, but it's the details that tell on the men-writing-women thing. Imagine a man picking out an outfit for court. Does he spend more time debating which pair of boxers to wear or which tie? Probably the tie, right? And if he's a rich pop-star, the boxers are probably ready-to-wear but the tie from a limited line. That blouse of Jen's could be couture, tailored, but more importantly, it will be long out of season when her sentence is over. It's probably a better symbol for the loss of her old life.

Good to know, thank you. I'm hard at work on my new story now, my new lead is very different to Jen but she's connected with theatre so clothing will still play an important part in how she presents herself and views other. I'll try to keep what you've said in mind and not repeat the same mistakes.