On the Cusp of Incontinence

[nitewets]

As I’ve written of elsewhere, since last summer, when I returned to wearing diapers and reconnected here, I’ve been wrestling emotionally with my relationship with diapers. Like the swings of Hegel’s Dialectic, I starting wearing diapers every day, then pushed them to the back of my cupboard (years ago, I learned that disposing of diapers was nothing but a terrible expense and mistake—the absence of diapers didn’t deter me in the way I wished and it was then necessary to expend more money when the compulsion to be in diapers reasserted itself) and denied that I needed diapers. The swings became wider, the compulsion returned. I would spend hours in the chat, then days away from it while ‘not diapered’. In fact my life was divided between ‘being diapered’ and ‘not diapered’. 

I’ve worn diapers since 1996. I started in part because of need and most definitely also for sexual pleasure. It was a tortuous path. As a form of sexual excitement, I would imagine myself slipping into, or being forced into, incontinence. Then, it nearly happened. My work keep me in a car for stretches of 5-6, even 8 hours sometimes.. Type A, I would resist pee stops for as long as possible—somtimes hours until extremis. Then, one day I stopped at a rest stop—aching to pee—releived myself and climbed back into the car. As I returned onto the highway, I wet myself. 

I had, the urologist said, an distended bladder. I wasn’t getting the necessary signal from a full bladder and still had essentially a full bladder after relieving myself. I took to wearing diapers and just wetting in the car. A workable solution it seemed. The urologist was furious. This, he said, would lead to incontinence—permanent incontinence. 

Over the years, I played with that notion. Why being incontinent held appeal I just don’t know. But, the idea of slipping into incontinence enticed me.

In her last year of life, my mother asked if I would return home, live with her and take care of her. She wanted to pass away at home, in her own bed. She knew my siblings wouldn’t allow it. I promised her. At the same time, I was taking finally after years of hormone therapy begining my life publically as a woman. Suddenly, as a woman I was battling with my siblings to protect my mother’s wises, and justifying who I had become. I became incontinent at night, regressing into infancy to protect myself. My psychologist put me into the disability healthcare plan where I’ve remained. Continence did return.

After gender reassignment surgery (I have the most beautiful vagina now) another issue presented—the susceptibility to UTIs. When that happened I was again incontinent. The disability program did cover the cost of diapers and the counsellor gave me the forms to apply. I was simply too embarassed, and, true be known ashamed because I felt so excited by the prospect.

Which brings me to the present and the issue I face today.

I love being in diapers—I don’t know why. In the period since last summer, I again requested the forms for my healthcare to cover the cost of diapers. You have to personally request the forms. I did. They said on my desk for months. The forms require a doctor’s verification of need. I got a UTI, another of many, at least 3 or 4 a year which I get and when to the doctor’s for antibiotics. Although, with me, in my purse, I didn’t have the nerve to ask.

”Well, we’re done, Is there anything else?”

”I have forms here that will provide diapers for me while incontinent. Will you sign them?”

He took the forms and read them. “This is for fulltime permanent incontinence. Is that what you need?””

”Well, I’m already wearing diapers a lot, so it’s just easier to wear them all the time.”

”Are you sure?”

”Yes... I like wearing diapers.” He excused himself to consult another doctor. He returned with the forms signed. 

“I’ll chart you as permanently incontinent. Certainly, you’re not quite there, but I suspect that you will become incontinent with time, given that you’re already in diapers.” I took the signed form. I had become “permanently incontinent”. My stomach was in knots.

The forms sat on my desk for a week. I chatted here. I fretted. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I was both scared and so excited. Finally, I sent the forms in to my counsellor for approval. My counsellor now had in writing that I was “permanently incontinent”. A day passed and I finally phoned a supplier. She was ever so kind and arranged to send sample diapers and connect with my counsellor. Diapers would come every month, enough pull-ups for 5 changes during the day and a proper diaper for each night. These would arrive each month, and my face flushed as I realized just how big the boxes would be. 

“We have you as a client now.” I’m now “permanently incontinent”.

In the next week, as I wait for the first shipment, I’m wearing cloth diapers and plastic panties. I’ve started wearing full-time. I sense when I’m about to wet, then it just happens. Yesterday, regret and shame came over me and I changed into panties. Do I want this to happen? Can I slow the drift into incontinence? The afternoon in panties became uncomfortable. There wasn’t a  moment I didn’t feel the need to pee. I began to fret. Finally, in the everting, I diapered. As I made a sandwich in the kitchen not 10 minutes later, I only realized that I was wetting by the wet warmth and changing weight of my diaper. My heart and stomach lurched. Could I get through the night, now? 

At bedtime, I spread out a diaper pad for security. Could I go the night without a diaper? Can this actually happen this fast? It’s not possible, I knew but put on a diaper. I didn’t have the courage not to wear a diaper. Is that how incontinence takes hold? Not by actual need but because your confidence slips away and once in diapers, your body simply decides not to care. 

Today, I tried the same thing. Waking in a wet diaper, I bathed and diapered. I wet every few minutes, small amounts. I changed after the 3rd wetting. At lunch, I bathed and put on panties. I tried to do some housework, some reading, to be busy. There was no moment that I didn’t feel that I was about to wet myself. It was so tiring. I decided to walk the dog but stood conflicted at the door in panties: “What if I wet myself on the walk?” I changed into a diaper. I wet myself on the walk. I did sense it, but to hold until I was home would be a strain. I relaxed... and pooped as I wet. 

I’ve had a bath and put on a diaper wash. I had dinner without having a diaper on. I read a bit lying on the couch. With a diaper sheet under me. I decided to write this and put on a diaper. And as I’ve written, I’ve wet myself. 

I’m not trying to be incontinent, but I am surely allowing it to happen. For my counsellor and doctor and a supplier I am “permanently incontinent”. A few days ago, I told my best friend that I wore diapers at night. Her initial reaction with sympathy, but I told her that I liked being in diapers. To my surprise, the next day, she hugged me and said she felt ‘so special’ that I had shared wearing diapers with her and allowed that as a mother of two she was also challenged with wetting herself during the day. For her a change of panties and a pad was sufficient. 

Expense was  always the impediment to me just allowing myself to slip into incontinence. I’ve yet to figure out why I wish this. I’m certainly concerned about the implications of incontinence. I’m 64 and live with a roommate, with whom I share my house. She is a minister. I have recently told her that I wear diapers—a bit late probably because she’s seen my cloth diapers and plastic panties in the dryer or clean laundry hamper. 

I’m writing this as much for myself as you. It’s just minutes from 7:00pm. I’m diapered and wet. In just days, if I put on a diaper, it seems that I just wet; if I don’t wear a diaper, I fret. If I have to take the bus, will I now be too afraid to go undiapered. If I want to walk my dog will I now be too afraid to wear just panties? Am I suddenly “permanently incontinent”. 

 

[snobak]

Just let it flow dear,be happy with wearing diapers and go full out wearing and be happy.

[Guilyn]

Many ABDL have dreamed of becoming incontinent but very few understand what it would mean.  As random as this sounds I'm reminded of a Japanese carpenter, the way of tradition Japanese carpentry is very different most other parts of the world.  They never used nails or screws he always said one phrase I will never forget, "with nature or against nature."  Even though it was about woodworking I have taken that to heart.  I noticed when I was 23 I had a bald spot on the back of my head, over the next 2-3 years it got a little bigger.  I know I can try to fight nature and do all kinds of things like taking the hair from my butt and put it on my head but how do I know it won't happen again?  Since I was 27 I have had a clean shaven head, if I told my 18 year old self that I would be bald in 10 years I would have freaked.  You have to make a choice, your body is progressing down a path and you fight to decide, is it worth fighting?  From your story it looks like no matter what you do you will be incontinent sooner or later, so will you work with nature or fight against it?  I personally don't really like being bald, but if someone told me I was going to be incontinent and it was just a matter of time well... I think you know what I would do 

[Bettypooh]

Liking both of the above replies. I can identify with a lot of this personally. I'm jealous if your SRS but happy for you that you could live that dream even if I can't. I had dreamed of incontinence and bedwetting, but I've always had bladder control issues. My choice of accepting my DL side and of wearing diapers when I wanted to came along at about the same time that my tenuous bladder control began failing and my OAB became extreme. So it didn't tale a lot of thinking for me to go with being in diapers 24/7 since it looked like it was going to be happening anyway. Over time I decided that my own best approach was in letting nature take it's course both in mind and body, and now I'm functionally incontinent with the ability for some very limited short-term bladder control, although that doesn't always quite work. Time has proven my approach was exactly what I needed, YMMV.

To better understand my situation you need to know my past history of bladder control issues. Unlike seemingly everyone else, my external bladder sphincter (the one under conscious control) could not be trained to stay closed subconsciously. The only way I could stay dry was to constantly make a conscious effort to keep it closed. One moments inattention to the task and whatever was in me came out. In time I learned how to do that almost subconsciously but not quite. This left me with some mental conflict always going on as other thoughts wanted the parts of my mind which I had to use for bladder control. And I now know that I've always had OAB, SI, and UI which made matters much worse. So in the end I chose to regain my mind (and indeed my full sanity) by forgetting about my bladder, which by then wasn't holding well no matter how hard I tried. Being in diapers facilitated that change. My bedwetting took far longer to control and I'm honestly not sure how that happened as I'm a deep sleeper and I'm far from conscious then, so some other form of bladder control was happening. Even the workings of Vasopressin can't fully explain that.

I was initially excited to be wearing diapers as it seemed to be a dream come true. In time that 'euphoria' faded and now they are just a comfort to me in letting me keep my clothes dry without all the stress that once needed. I can sense what my bladder is doing if I want to yet there's no point in that since I'll be wetting my diaper anyway. So most of the time I just notice that I'm wetter than the last time I thought about it. It's usually when the SI is manifesting itself when I move that I become aware of what's in my bladder wanting out. The old habit of conscious sphincter control seems to still be in play then as that's usually a flood. In the time of my wearing I've also discovered that I actually like the feeling of a wet diaper on me which of course has made things even easier to deal with. I still don't often wet in my sleep, just slightly waking and letting go in my diaper  then falling back to sleep. I had once craved bedwetting but I think it's not happening because I don't want to possibly lose the chance of having a partner sleep with me because of that. Once again I just let it happen as it will now, seeking nothing but peace and happiness (and hopefully some wealth too).

It seems that much like me you've found your way through this with a pretty clear picture of where you want to go. Just seek to be happy with whatever happens and don't fight yourself in the process for that's a fight you will always lose. Let your heart lead you to your bliss wherever it may be, and may you find it in abundance soon

Bettypooh

[Guest]

As the cool kids say, you do you.

[stevewet]

On 07/04/2018 at 11:53 PM, nitewets said:

As I’ve written of elsewhere, since last summer, when I returned to wearing diapers and reconnected here, I’ve been wrestling emotionally with my relationship with diapers. Like the swings of Hegel’s Dialectic, I starting wearing diapers every day, then pushed them to the back of my cupboard (years ago, I learned that disposing of diapers was nothing but a terrible expense and mistake—the absence of diapers didn’t deter me in the way I wished and it was then necessary to expend more money when the compulsion to be in diapers reasserted itself) and denied that I needed diapers. The swings became wider, the compulsion returned. I would spend hours in the chat, then days away from it while ‘not diapered’. In fact my life was divided between ‘being diapered’ and ‘not diapered’. 

I’ve worn diapers since 1996. I started in part because of need and most definitely also for sexual pleasure. It was a tortuous path. As a form of sexual excitement, I would imagine myself slipping into, or being forced into, incontinence. Then, it nearly happened. My work keep me in a car for stretches of 5-6, even 8 hours sometimes.. Type A, I would resist pee stops for as long as possible—somtimes hours until extremis. Then, one day I stopped at a rest stop—aching to pee—releived myself and climbed back into the car. As I returned onto the highway, I wet myself. 

I had, the urologist said, an distended bladder. I wasn’t getting the necessary signal from a full bladder and still had essentially a full bladder after relieving myself. I took to wearing diapers and just wetting in the car. A workable solution it seemed. The urologist was furious. This, he said, would lead to incontinence—permanent incontinence. 

Over the years, I played with that notion. Why being incontinent held appeal I just don’t know. But, the idea of slipping into incontinence enticed me.

In her last year of life, my mother asked if I would return home, live with her and take care of her. She wanted to pass away at home, in her own bed. She knew my siblings wouldn’t allow it. I promised her. At the same time, I was taking finally after years of hormone therapy begining my life publically as a woman. Suddenly, as a woman I was battling with my siblings to protect my mother’s wises, and justifying who I had become. I became incontinent at night, regressing into infancy to protect myself. My psychologist put me into the disability healthcare plan where I’ve remained. Continence did return.

After gender reassignment surgery (I have the most beautiful vagina now) another issue presented—the susceptibility to UTIs. When that happened I was again incontinent. The disability program did cover the cost of diapers and the counsellor gave me the forms to apply. I was simply too embarassed, and, true be known ashamed because I felt so excited by the prospect.

Which brings me to the present and the issue I face today.

I love being in diapers—I don’t know why. In the period since last summer, I again requested the forms for my healthcare to cover the cost of diapers. You have to personally request the forms. I did. They said on my desk for months. The forms require a doctor’s verification of need. I got a UTI, another of many, at least 3 or 4 a year which I get and when to the doctor’s for antibiotics. Although, with me, in my purse, I didn’t have the nerve to ask.

”Well, we’re done, Is there anything else?”

”I have forms here that will provide diapers for me while incontinent. Will you sign them?”

He took the forms and read them. “This is for fulltime permanent incontinence. Is that what you need?””

”Well, I’m already wearing diapers a lot, so it’s just easier to wear them all the time.”

”Are you sure?”

”Yes... I like wearing diapers.” He excused himself to consult another doctor. He returned with the forms signed. 

“I’ll chart you as permanently incontinent. Certainly, you’re not quite there, but I suspect that you will become incontinent with time, given that you’re already in diapers.” I took the signed form. I had become “permanently incontinent”. My stomach was in knots.

The forms sat on my desk for a week. I chatted here. I fretted. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I was both scared and so excited. Finally, I sent the forms in to my counsellor for approval. My counsellor now had in writing that I was “permanently incontinent”. A day passed and I finally phoned a supplier. She was ever so kind and arranged to send sample diapers and connect with my counsellor. Diapers would come every month, enough pull-ups for 5 changes during the day and a proper diaper for each night. These would arrive each month, and my face flushed as I realized just how big the boxes would be. 

“We have you as a client now.” I’m now “permanently incontinent”.

In the next week, as I wait for the first shipment, I’m wearing cloth diapers and plastic panties. I’ve started wearing full-time. I sense when I’m about to wet, then it just happens. Yesterday, regret and shame came over me and I changed into panties. Do I want this to happen? Can I slow the drift into incontinence? The afternoon in panties became uncomfortable. There wasn’t a  moment I didn’t feel the need to pee. I began to fret. Finally, in the everting, I diapered. As I made a sandwich in the kitchen not 10 minutes later, I only realized that I was wetting by the wet warmth and changing weight of my diaper. My heart and stomach lurched. Could I get through the night, now? 

At bedtime, I spread out a diaper pad for security. Could I go the night without a diaper? Can this actually happen this fast? It’s not possible, I knew but put on a diaper. I didn’t have the courage not to wear a diaper. Is that how incontinence takes hold? Not by actual need but because your confidence slips away and once in diapers, your body simply decides not to care. 

Today, I tried the same thing. Waking in a wet diaper, I bathed and diapered. I wet every few minutes, small amounts. I changed after the 3rd wetting. At lunch, I bathed and put on panties. I tried to do some housework, some reading, to be busy. There was no moment that I didn’t feel that I was about to wet myself. It was so tiring. I decided to walk the dog but stood conflicted at the door in panties: “What if I wet myself on the walk?” I changed into a diaper. I wet myself on the walk. I did sense it, but to hold until I was home would be a strain. I relaxed... and pooped as I wet. 

I’ve had a bath and put on a diaper wash. I had dinner without having a diaper on. I read a bit lying on the couch. With a diaper sheet under me. I decided to write this and put on a diaper. And as I’ve written, I’ve wet myself. 

I’m not trying to be incontinent, but I am surely allowing it to happen. For my counsellor and doctor and a supplier I am “permanently incontinent”. A few days ago, I told my best friend that I wore diapers at night. Her initial reaction with sympathy, but I told her that I liked being in diapers. To my surprise, the next day, she hugged me and said she felt ‘so special’ that I had shared wearing diapers with her and allowed that as a mother of two she was also challenged with wetting herself during the day. For her a change of panties and a pad was sufficient. 

Expense was  always the impediment to me just allowing myself to slip into incontinence. I’ve yet to figure out why I wish this. I’m certainly concerned about the implications of incontinence. I’m 64 and live with a roommate, with whom I share my house. She is a minister. I have recently told her that I wear diapers—a bit late probably because she’s seen my cloth diapers and plastic panties in the dryer or clean laundry hamper. 

I’m writing this as much for myself as you. It’s just minutes from 7:00pm. I’m diapered and wet. In just days, if I put on a diaper, it seems that I just wet; if I don’t wear a diaper, I fret. If I have to take the bus, will I now be too afraid to go undiapered. If I want to walk my dog will I now be too afraid to wear just panties? Am I suddenly “permanently incontinent”. 

 

Just enjoy it I thoroughly enjoy my incontinence and dependence on nappies. I love being a bedwetter.