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The Woes of Maddison Page

Prologue

 - Monday, The Week Before Christmas Break -

    Mom was sitting on the couch in the living room spaced out. She’d had another feverish afternoon buzzing around cleaning up an already spotless house. She also cooked us a meal that was way too big for the two of us, again.  

I swear Mom had to have imagined dirt to clean and mouths to feed! 

   Daddy had never pushed her to keep the house that clean or cook that much. He’d been just as happy with take out as the next guy. Mom did this. She did this to herself somehow. It was just  after we lost Daddy that these tics started showing up. 

   Whatever the reason, I’m pretty sure we could have eaten off the picture frames in the hallway, the house was that damn clean. Hell, I bet the FDA would have approved eating off our floors! Our house was that clean! 

   You’d never believe the woman sitting on my couch worked full time, cooked for an army, and cleaned house like a full crew all before seven. She just looked too cute in her PJs. Mom was crashing hard after her long day. She was just sitting there looking adorable watching Adventure Time. 

   It was my senior year of high school and we were in the off season of cross country. I was done. My high school athletic career was over. No more practices for me, so I was getting home around three of four in the evenings. It was a big improvement over six or so that I’d drag in after practice. I’d finished my homework as soon as I got home, and moved on to other tasks. I finally felt like I had time to properly prepare for school and my job with sports no longer a draw on my time. It was a treat not to be so rushed! 

   I wasn’t working that night either, so I decided to be productive another way. No time like the present to get the adult stuff done! I had my laptop setup on the kitchen table working my way through this month’s bills. You have to be careful or it will really pile up on you. Besides, someone had to do it and Mom wasn’t ever going to be the best candidate. 

   Mom and I were paid on different schedules. I was paid twice a month, once on the fifteenth and then again on the thirtieth. Mom was paid every two weeks. You have to keep up with that stuff! It makes it tricky to pay bills when your income isn’t as predictable as the due dates, but I kept on top of it. 

   I’ve been paying our bills and managing our budget for the last three years. It was much easier to just break everything down to the first and the sixteenth right after I got paid. Then, I’d pay it all and didn’t have to worry until the next half of the month came around. 

   This month’s stuff was stacked neatly in two piles representing two different excel worksheets in the master budget workbook that I kept. Three years in the Microsoft Office Certification electives at my high school were actually coming in handy! My spreadsheet was pretty elaborate.  

   It’s a real shame I didn’t have a good backup plan going. 

“Honey, are you done with the paperwork yet?” Mom called from the living room. She called everything from my homework to reading the mail the ‘paperwork’.

“Almost, I just balanced our checking accounts. I just need to deduct the bills and pay stuff online real fast.” I replied.

“Will you bring me sumpin ta drink when you come this way?” Mom yelled.

“You bet. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” I told her. 

   Electronic Bill Pay is a Godsend! I didn’t even have to keep up with stamps anymore. I just created a new payee and boom, they got their money. It really streamlined how I managed our finances. I checked my notes and vowed again to read up on mom’s retirement plan. I just didn’t understand 401k’s enough for my own satisfaction. So, I typed a note on my digital calendar reminding me to look into it. 

   I blew out a tired breath. I’d be leaving for college soon, and I really wanted to make sure mom would be taken care of. I might not be living with her, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t keep up with this stuff for her. The bills were the easy part, now at least. I could do it from a dorm room too.  

“Momma, looks like Wellington’s will be out to top off the gas early next week. We have that covered, but it will be a bit tight till the eighteenth when you get paid.” I shouted from the kitchen.

I paused and asked, “Are you going to be home to take the invoice and pay them? It should be Monday or Tuesday.”

“Baby, I’m still good in savings, right? If something comes up, you can just transfer some money over with your phone thingy, ya?” Mom yelled back.

“Yup. I put it on your phone too. I added air filters to the Walmart list.” I told her.

“I’ll make sure I’m available for the gas guy honey. I’ll just run home from work. They usually call before they show up. That should give me time to get home.

“Come sit with me awhile before you go up to your bedroom baby.” Mom patted the couch next to her. 

   Mom must have needed some cuddle time. She’s the short petite kind of woman, you know straight up tiny. I look just like an upsized version of her which is odd, her being older and all. Dad had a lot of height and width. He had been just a big ole teddy bear of a guy, but looked like he could have played football! Apparently, Mom’s look dominated my genes because I was petite too, but I got dad’s height. In fact, I’ve been taller than mom since I was twelve. 

   I entered the living room and gave her the once over before I went to her. She had her dark hair up in a high off center ponytail that was draped over the back of the couch. Mom kept her hair longer than I liked mine, and being the size of a high school kid made her hair look even longer.  

   She was wearing the bugs bunny footed sleeper that I’d bought her last Christmas causing me to smile at my cutie mom. 

“Here ya go Momma.” I told her giving her the hard plastic cup with a screw on lid and hard plastic straw, her living room cup. 

   I had a sudden instinct to remind her to put it in the sink when she was done. I guess it was because of how she was dressed and the show she was watching, but I didn’t really need to. She’d probably clean it and put it back in the cabinet before she went to bed. God knows, it wouldn’t be dirty long! 

   Her PJs didn’t have a hood with the ears or the poofy tail that the new ones did, but it did have the coloring and the rabbit feet. Mom had a new set of PJs wrapped up under the Christmas tree. I got her a Sylvester the cat set that came complete with tail, paw looking feet, and a hoodie topped with cat ears. She was going to love the two piece sleeper and I was really excited to see her open it! 

   The PJ set wasn’t the most expensive gift I’d gotten her, but I was making sure she opened it first. She’d likely wear it the rest of the day. There was a good chance that would be her favorite gift. She was going to smile and squeal like a kid, which would make my heart swell. I nearly teared up thinking about her being so happy. We both worked hard to make sure we got those moments. 

   Mom only dressed her age when she was at work. At home, all bets were off. She is still small enough to wear anything from tween to small adult things. It did, and still does, suit her sense of style. She keeps an immaculate house like a fifties house wife, but she’s just a kid at heart. 

   Her bed had more stuffed animals than pillows on it! It wasn’t uncommon for mom to pass out on a teddy bear instead of a pillow. I had bought her a big fluffy stuffed rabbit the first Valentine’s Day after dad passed. I just wanted her to have something positive to hold onto that day. 

   She’s been known to sit round the living room in her PJs holding it vegging out to whatever was on TV. That night she was snuggling one of the couch throw pillows sitting cross legged watching Adventure Time. 

   Looking at her made me smile. 

   I knew I wasn’t a real adult yet. I didn't’ feel like one either, but that wasn’t for lack of responsibility or trials. It was only a function of age and attitude. I envied mom sometimes. I wish I could relax as hardcore as she does. Work hard and play hard and all that. 

   I sat with mom for a commercial-less DVR’d episode of Survivor. She never fought for the remote, but it was often on the satellite channel for Adult Swim whenever I took it over. She knew I wouldn’t sit there and watch those brainless cartoons with her, so she just handed over the remote when I sat down. 

   She enjoys watching TV with me, but I’m pretty sure it has more to do with me than what we are watching. I’m positive she genuinely liked survivor though. When Jeff said “Next time on Survivor”, I headed upstairs to shower after kissing mom goodnight. Hurrah for skips! I always feel like a commercial assassin, my weapon of choice – the remote. I hate ads! 

   I ran through the shower down stairs, packed my lunch for tomorrow, texted mom my work hours for the next couple of days, and headed up to my bedroom. It was as spotless as the rest of the house. Long ago, I had decided that the lack of privacy was worth mom keeping everything in order. I had nothing to hide from her anyway. 

   I had a single drawer in my in-closet-dresser that is set aside as “private space”. She tells me she doesn’t go in that drawer, but I don’t keep much in there, just in case. Frankly, I just didn’t have anything I that would bother me if mom saw it. 

   Between Cross Country and Track, homework, actual work, and the house finances, I just didn’t have time to clean. Forget about time to get into normal teenage trouble! I’m an old soul, or so I’ve been told. I would be graduating in a few months with four hundred other students, and I was currently ranked fourth in my class academically. 

   I had become very Type-A. I didn’t have the best ACT score at thirty, but I was determined to get the most scholarship offers, so I applied for everything! I sat down at my desk and turned my attention to toward that goal. 

   I started flipping through all the different college materials on my desk checking the due dates for entrance exams, ACT score submissions, finical aid info, and the like. 

   Eventually, I sat back in my desk chair and puffed air through my bangs. I’d finally turned my hyper focused mind off about eleven pm, but it took a melatonin tablet to do it. I waited about ten minutes until I was good and under the influence. Then, I tried to work up the energy to get up and lay down on my bed, but the smell of my life going down in flames rolled into the room on a cloud of gray smoke from under my door.

 

The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 1 – My Hair Still Smells Like Smoke

 

- Wednesday Morning -

 “Maddisonnnn.” Mandy Page whined through the bathroom door at her seventeen year old daughter. 

“We’ve got to go by Walmart for some panties, toothbrushes, and other stuff. Get off the pot and let’s go. Move it baby!” Mom whined at me. 

   Her attempt at assertiveness failed miserably. She didn’t fool anyone. Even after everything we’d been through the last few days, her sad little attempt at parenting me made me smile. Tiger Mom she was not! 

“Momma.” I replied as respectfully as possible, which wasn’t as respectful as I’d normally have been. It was seriously hard not to laugh at her!

“I don’t want to yell at you through the door, crack it alright?” I begged her tears forming in my eyes and a clearly quivering voice as my mood shifted dramatically. My back suddenly lanced pain through every nerve ending in my spine. My mood followed.

“Listen baby, I know all of this is awful, but...” Mom said peeking into the bathroom inadvertently interrupting herself. Tears started streaming from my mother’s eyes when she saw me. It was an admittedly pitiful sight.

“Oh My God, Baby my hair still smells like smoke! Oh Maddie, it’s all gone! Everything! All of Quentin’s pictures. Oh!” Mom dissolved into a pool of sorrow in the bathroom floor of our La Quinta Inn Suite. 

   I was usually the strong one, but I was a straight up hot mess. 

   I wanted to comfort her. She had mistaken my pain for sorrow, for trauma. I wanted to go to her, and hug her until all of our tears were spent. I couldn’t though. I was stuck on the damn toilet in desperate need of comforting myself. Mom’s breakdown took my painful tears down her emotional path with her. Then we were both bawling.  

   Sometimes life finds fun new ways to kick you in the lady balls when you’re down. Not being able to help mom was a serious blow to my budding adult sized ego. I hurt everywhere and my lady balls had been kicked so much they were totally demolished! 

   I needed to be the strong one like I’d always had been, but it just wasn’t happening that morning. I was only seventeen after all, but mom had been relying on me for a few years. Our dynamic had shifted after dad passed. I just sort of assumed his role at the house while mom healed. She’s just not built to be alone, or in charge for that matter. I thank God every day for the strength he gave me to support her back then, and I thank him for the purpose he granted me when I needed one. 

‘Monkey Balls! I’ve even been keeping the checkbook and paying bills for almost three years now, I’m better than this! Get your shit together Girl!’ I gave myself an angry pep-talk. 

   It’s not like mom wasn’t smart enough to pay our bills or balance the checkbook, but Daddy always handled those things for her. He worked and took care of the financial side of things. She had a debit card on the checking account and just brought Daddy the receipts. He kept her life simple because she likes it that way. He did it for her, so I had too. 

   Dad had a budget and what not, so mom knew what was available for monthly toilet paper, groceries, and stuff, but she didn’t have any idea when we paid bills or how much we paid. She didn’t even know what bills had to be paid anymore. I did though, and I took care of them for years afterward too. 

   I missed my Dad more and more with every passing day, and all of the sudden our memories of him were buried in a pile of ash where our home once stood. Every photo album, every framed picture, and even all the digital pictures that weren’t on Facebook were gone. I didn’t even make it out with my cell phone much less my laptop. It really crushed my heart. 

   I was going to be right in the middle of this insurance claim, the city officials, and the financials on this house fire too. Just one more item in the overwhelming list of crap I had to keep up with. Worse, none of the officials would want to talk to me because I’m a year short on the year tally to be an “Adult”. There’d be a lot of relaying stuff through Mom. 

   It’s not like I cared if she knew what was going on, but it was my job to keep things simple and easy for her. She is an awesome mother, but she seems to thrive when things around her are simple at home. No one can praise a child like my mother can. She related so well to me at every age and through every milestone. 

   She was always right there in the floor with me. We colored. We watched cartoons. We played. We read. We did homework. We swam. We tickled. We had sleepovers and mom was always the star of the party. After Dad died though, I aged. I moved on into my teens and left mom in her footed PJs watching Cartoon Network happy to just be. I’d do anything for her. I’d protect her peace with everything I had! After all, a girl should keep her promises, especially those made over their father’s casket… 

   I may have had the best childhood any kid could ever ask for, at least until dad. We weren’t loaded or anything, but mom’s demeanor almost forced the people around her into a happier simpler mood. She is a force of peaceful love. Her love is tangible, and I fought my teenaged hardest to make sure her light shined for everyone to see. Unfortunately, that laid a heavy burden on me, but it was a burden that I carried voluntarily. 

   Worse though, it was my senior year in high school. I was totally booked up on time already. Paying the bills and watching the budget wasn’t as hard as you might think on my time, but it sure added a layer of worry to my life. Worry that none of my friends had to deal with, but I was ok with that it was my life. I chose to step in for Daddy, no one chose it for me. I wouldn’t let anyone take it from me either.  

   My mind flooded with all the things that needed to be done. 

“Oh, Mommy!” I sobbed filled with crushing despair thick in the bathroom.

“Oh, Baby!” She balled. 

   I listed off all off the calls I needed to make to begin fixing this debacle. I cried to her about how I had to use the hotel phone to do it all, but I couldn’t stay in the office area of the suite long enough to finish a call before I was back in the bathroom. I couldn’t get anything done and it was adding to my sense of hopelessness. 

‘Enough! Maddison get your crap together. You swore to Daddy that you’d protect her. You’re hurting her. Listen to her!’ I gave myself a hell of a motivational speech, but it fell on deaf internal ears. 

   Mom came crawling over to me from where she’d collapsed to the floor, still in tears. I was sitting there with my shorts and panties down around my ankles stuck on the toilet like I had been for most of the past day and a half. She struggled up and hugged me fiercely despite my state of undress. We slowly got our shit back together. 

“Momma I’m so sorry about that. I guess I kinda lost it there.” I said gathering the strands of my resolve.

“Oh Maddie,” my mom cooed with the weight of the world on her shoulders. “You are absolutely the best daughter any mother could hope for. You saved me when Daddy passed. You’ve been helping with everything sense then too. Don’t think I don’t know how much of your paycheck goes in my account.” 

   I gave her a sad smile that told her that I knew I was caught. Mom worked in the back office for a medical billing company. They handled the collections for smaller firms like general practitioners or smaller surgical clinics that weren’t affiliated with a hospital system. Mom has a sweet voice and a tender disposition. She was perfect for first contact. She was horrible at the follow up collection calls. Sometimes I forget that she can put on office clothes and carry on like an adult at work. 

‘Oops. Guess she’s not always Momma like she is at home.’ I thought. 

   I had a nearly full time job with Tractor Supply Company, almost forty hours a week. Mom made decent money and could cover most of the bills. Dad’s retirement and his life insurance helped us even more, but I moved about half my check to the house account to cover my little car payment. I paid the insurance payments for both of our cars. Essentially, I paid for myself out of mom’s account, but I had thought she never really looked at it. 

   I thought I was being clever, but in hindsight, I wouldn’t have left those duties to a thirteen year old either. She had let me “help” for almost four years, but I was certain, even back then, that she really didn’t check things that often. She wanted someone else to handle those things for her.  

   So when I proved I could, she’d let me. 

   We would never have had any money for new things or entertainment if I asked mom to cover my car, insurance, and other senior stuff. I bought my own clothes for the same reason. I thought I was being sneaky and leaving mom where she would be when I went off to college. That way it would be an easier transition for her, and I suppose that was still true. She just wasn’t quite as oblivious to it as I thought. 

‘Guess I’m not as sneaky as I thought I was.’ I conceded. 

   I could handle all the bills online. Mom had added me as an authorized decision maker on everything she could. Until I hit 18, our hands were tied in some places. She’d work, cook, clean, and not have to be burdened with anything else except an occasional “yes, I do” on the phone or a signature here and there. She relied on me handling those decisions for her. 

   Daddy was doing his best to take care of us from beyond the grave, but mom would likely always have to work. It was probably for the best. Too much free time and that level of grief might have been the ruin of her. 

“It’s better for both of us this way. I have a sense of what income I’m going to need at state, and I don’t have any chores anyway. I’m kinda spoiled and this lets me contribute. Plus, you won’t have to adjust your budget when I leave for college. I can keep taking care of things from up there too.” I try to joke through my pesky tears. 

“Maddison, you don’t even have to clean your room! I do everything around the house honey. You are very spoiled.” Mom elbowed me. Then she threw on a very serious face. “I know things will change when you go off to State. I’m going to miss you so much. This is just the worst time for all this to happen! Maybe we should just get an apartment or something.” 

   I hugged my mom and flushed the toilet. I was used to being the backbone of my little family. Being this angry and this scared just made me want to cry in frustration, but crying just pisses me off more. 

   It was becoming a cycle feeding on itself and I needed to put a stop to it. I stood up and pulled my shorts and panties back up my slender hips. Then, I sat down next to her on the hotels bathtub wall. I gave my mom a powerful side hug, as much to bolster my courage as to reaffirm hers. 

“Pfft, you’ll probably see more of me in college than you do right now. If my scholarships come through, I’ll only have to work for my car, gas, and food. I’m going to try and pull enough hours to do that during the week and have the weekends at home for homework and Momma time.” 

“Really Maddie, you really are? Ewe, I hope you can. Oh, I’m going to miss you so much. I’ll do your laundry.” Mom sobs against my shoulder. “I promise to find a way to help you at school baby. I don’t want your next four years to be like the last few have been. As soon as the fire department makes their report, the home owners will kick in. It’ll get better Maddie, you just wait and see.” 

“I hope it’s soon. I don’t know how I’m going to keep up with school, college, the bills, and the fire stuff without a phone or a computer Momma.” I confessed to her as my shoulders slumped in defeat. 

   Suddenly, I remembered the crispy computer held our budget, account information, and bank records. I immediately start listing things off building To-Do lists in my head. I had to rebuild all of that from memory, or at least enough of it to make a list of people to call.   

“How are your little legs honey?” Mom asked as she grabbed my bad leg and sat it in her lap to inspect it. 

   Both of my legs were bruised and cut up pretty badly, but my right leg was at least sprained, possibly broken. I’d bailed out of my bedroom window after all! The smoke had come barreling under my door and I confess to shrieking like a blonde in a slasher movie before jumping for my life. 

 

- Back to Monday Night -

 

    I smelled the smoke as I saw it billowing out under my door. The scene stunned me for a moment, but I quickly got my wits together and tested the doorknob. Finding it hot, I raced over to my bed and battled the paint-stuck window. I finally jerked it open with a loud wooden thud. 

   I moved back to my door and yelled “Fire” at the top of my lungs three or four times. I hoped that was enough to wake my mom. I was afraid she’d passed out on the couch watching TV and would never wake up again. That was a paralyzing thought. 

   I snapped out of it, and I snagged my pillow with the Power Puff Girls pillow case on it. I chunked it out the window onto our hedges directly below my window. My bedroom was on the third floor, and it was a good distance to the ground from up there. The hedges around my side of our house were old, dense, and about six foot tall, not the best landing zone, but beggars and choosers and what not. 

   I took a labored freighted breath, and slid out of my window. I tried to “fall” out onto my pillow, but only my left leg found it. My right leg fell straight into the hedge tearing it up and wrenching my leg in unnatural directions. 

   I teetered off the top of the hedge and fell down to the ground butt-first in one long continuous action. I hit hard directly on my tailbone. I ended up on the ground with my right leg all bruised and torn up. My hedgerow idea sucked. 

‘I guess it could have been worse. At least I didn’t just land on my feet and break a bunch of bones, but this feels almost as bad.’ I imagined. 

   My left butt cheek was pretty banged up too. My lower back was bothering me fiercely from hitting the ground so hard. I felt blackness dancing at the edges of my sight. 

‘I guess falling or flinging myself out of the window onto the hedge during my escape wasn’t the best idea. Gotta get my shit together and find out if mom got out. Just as soon as I can convince myself I can walk.’ 

   My right wrist was throbbing from trying to catch myself both in the hedge and on the ground. I was torn up and bleeding everywhere but my left leg that the pillow had protected from the worst of it.

   It wasn’t a bad list of injuries for a major house fire and two story flight from a third story window! I finally managed to talk my battered body into getting up. I hobbled across the road to the Johnson’s house carrying my stupid pillow. I have no idea why I didn’t just leave it there on the lawn, but I didn’t. 

   I had to get to our emergency location, and mom just had to be there. I clutched my stupid childish pillow tightly, because seriously, the entire neighborhood needed to see Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup! I guess comfort was more important to me than anything else right then, and that pillow had been with me for years. 

   I rounded the corner of my house skirting the heat from the fire. I made it across the road and collapsed in the Johnson’s front yard. My leg wasn’t working right and Mom wasn’t where I wanted her to be, and I think I might have passed out in shock.   

   The next thing I knew, a pair of strong arms was picking me up. I opened my eyes to see Mr. Johnson smiling down at me. 

“Oh thank God Maddison.” He hugged me close to him and screamed for my mom who was standing in front of our house trying to get to me. She got her only injuries from standing too close to the fire yelling for me to jump to safety. It was sort of stupidly heroic. 

“Oh My God Maddie, My Baby!” She bellowed running back to me across the road wearing her beat up Bugs Bunny jumper. 

“Hey Momma.” I grunted out around the pain and confusion. 

   The four of us collapsed to the ground again in a huddle of hugs and reassurances. Sal and Jenny Johnson were our emergency contacts and location. The older neighbors had helped us a great deal since Dad. The four of us sat there on the lawn and watched the hungry fire devour our home while waiting on the professionals to arrive. 

   I’ll always remember that night, but the thing that stood out the most was the fire was so hot I could feel it from across the road.

 

The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 2 – My Bipolar Bladder

 

- Later that Monday Night -

    The fire department arrived within eight minutes of mom placing the call from the Johnson’s front yard. It hadn’t made much difference. The old place went right before our very eyes up like dried popsicle sticks. 

   Smoke under my door to the four corner posts of the house falling into the basement only took twenty-eight minutes. Well that what I guessed based on the quick scan of my alarm clock on the way out of my window. When the posts fell I marked the time on mom’s watch just after she assaulted me in our neighbor’s front yard.   

   Twenty-Eight minutes and everything we had been destroyed. Twenty-Eight minutes and our lives were forever changed. Twenty-Eight minutes between life before the fire and life after the fire. 

“Something in the kitchen went up first baby.” Mom babble to me still in her Bugs Bunny sleeper.  

   She was terrified that I had been stuck and caught in the blaze and it was hard for her to believe I was going to be okay. 

“It was just so horrible. I couldn’t get to you! I was so scared! Nothing was on, and I was in the living room watching the TV. Then fire raced up the stairwell and I couldn’t get to the stairs. I couldn’t get to you!” She bellowed. 

“I can’t believe you’re ok. You are ok aren’t you? I was so scared Maddison. All I could think of was you were stuck up there in the fire. I thought I had lost you baby.” She whispered that last part to me and cried. 

   It dawned on her that I likely had a problem getting down from the third floor. Mom frantically freed me from Mr. Johnson’s strong grasp and laid me out on the plush carpet of their manicured lawn. She started running her hands over me asking what hurt as she ran through her first aid training. 

   I remember looking around laying there wondering if their sprinklers would come on while I lay on the grass. Shock does weird things to the mind. That, and mom looked kind of ridiculous checking me for wounds in those bunny footie pajamas. My right leg and arm were bleeding pretty badly. I was cut up all over the place, but my left hand was just scuffed up a little. Mom looked around and put my childlike pillow under my head. 

‘I love this pillow and its childish pillow case. I’m kind of glad something from my old life survived. Plus, who likes sleeping on someone else’s pillow? This shall be my squishy!’ I declared mentally channeling my inner Dori. I decided that if mom was ok out there in her goofy PJs then I cherish my old pillow. 

“Honey, does your head hurt at all? Did you hit your head?” Mom asked me retaining bits and pieces of her emergency classes.

“Mandy, the ambulance is here darlin.” The grandmotherly Mrs. Jenny addressed Mom. She had called them while mom was yelling at the fire to let me go.

“Ma’am, please step back and speak to my partner Frank. I’ll check on your sister right there.” The EMT told her pointing to his partner.

“That’s Maddison, she’s my daughter.” Mom supplied the EMT staggering meekly over to Frank.

‘That’s funny! PJs got ya Mom.’ I chuckled to myself.

“Maddison, tell me what happened...” The EMT started, but I don’t really remember the last half of that sentence. I know I answered his questions, but the pain wiped away most of my memory. 

   My next memory was from the ambulance for just a few moments. It was long enough to see mom sitting next to me and that I was strapped onto a gurney. She was talking to the EMT that had checked me out. I remember hearing mom was going to be fine. She’d only had some mild burns on her hands and forearms trying to get to me through the fire. I, on the other hand, needed a trip to the hospital for x-rays, stitches, and who knew what else.

  

- Wednesday -

 

    Mom checked “my little legs” and we made our way back to our hotel bed. That whole window-flying hospital-staying experience was sitting at a nine out of ten on the suck-O-meter. In my short life only losing Dad had sucked worse, that had been a solid ten out of ten. 

   I sat down heavily on the hotel bed trying to hold my leg up from the recoil, but my back wasn’t putting up with a slow descent. Mom put my bad right leg up on a stack of pillows to elevate it, cause Dr.’s orders, but my back was hurting no matter how I laid. 

   I didn’t want to go to the store with mom. In fact, I really didn’t want to move at all. I hurt everywhere! It felt like how I imagined being in a car wreck would feel, and I was totally prepared to throw a fit about getting up again. 

‘Maddie – 0, Gravity - 1 – Well done gravity! You have surely kicked my ass.’ I chuckled at my own stupid internal commentary. 

“Momma, I don’t want to go with you.” I whined. “ It’s freezing out there, and I can’t wear pants with this leg splint thing.” Then a tingle in my lady bits hit me again. “Plus, it seems I need to use the bathroom. Again! I shouldn’t have even left. ARGH!” I groused. 

‘Why can’t the eff’n toilet be friggin cushioned or something? I need one of those gunshot-in-the-ass pillows from TV.’ I mumbled pushing up out of bed. ‘Of all the leftovers from my two story flight, my bipolar bladder had to be my least favorite.’ I thought. 

“Honey, you just went, literally moments ago. I’m sure you’ll be fine.” The concern flooded mom’s face while she waved her hands around. 

I couldn’t help it. I began to cry, “Dammit, I know momma, and it hurts so bad when I get up. Please help me back in there. I’ll just fucking sit on the toilet for the rest of my goddamn life. Maybe I can fold up some towels to sit on.” I lamented. I was filled with exhaustion and aggravation, and my poor attitude got the better of my vocabulary. 

   I hardly ever cuss, out loud at least, but I was tired of… everything. I was exhausted. I threw myself a well-deserved pity party. I’d just have to feel bad about biting mom’s head off later, but being a God fearing young lady from the south, I knew I would be mortified at my own behavior later. 

   How many seventeen year old girls do you know that work thirty plus hours a week, go to school, run cross country at a state level, maintain a 4.16 GPA? I was trying my damnedest to get into the best school I could afford for my bachelors. Now I had to do all that while trying to piece our life back together from the pieces the demon of a fire took from me. 

   Not to mention all the responsibility I picked up after Dad passed, and now my bipolar bladder was forcing my injured back into service it wasn’t apparently prepared to give. I sighed and got up. 

   As always, I was doing my best, and I was way too stubborn to give up. 

   While I wallowed in my own pity, mom helped me up off the bed. I made it vertical with a weight lifters grunt, and I shuffled on to the bathroom by myself. I really needed that tiny bit of independence, but I just left the door open this time since I couldn’t talk to mom if I closed it anyway. 

   I looked at my sickly pale complexion in the bathroom mirror while sitting on the toilet. I stared at it for a solid minute before deciding that the crew of The Walking Dead would have to put color on me to let me shamble on their set! 

   Mom had seen my perky butt a million times, and we were bunked in this one bed suite with little to no privacy anyway. Modesty just didn’t matter to me anymore, at least where my mom was concerned. So, I just left the damn door wide open. 

‘God I look horrible. I look like a disabled vampire with coffin head.’ My morbid sense of humor supplied. ‘I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.’ I mentally quoted one of my favorite books. 

  I had my bad leg stretched out in front of me with my panties around that ankle. 

‘I wish I could figure out how to prop it up on the tub and leave it there. This would be way more comfortable.’ I thought while playing around with it unsuccessfully. 

   We’d only been in this suite for a couple days, but it was already wearing on me. I was hurting not wanting to move, but I was cagey and wanting to get out of there. Nothing was mine. Nothing was the same. I couldn’t get anything done without my stuff. I was already battling the senior everything-is-changing-stress, but this was just too much. 

‘I have nothing. I mean technically our cars are just singed, but drivable. Bubbly paint doesn’t keep the car from going. The cars were a crispy silver lining I guess.’ I took a stab at cheering myself up. 

   It didn’t work. 

“Mommy, I don’t know what’s going on inside me.” I broke down again feeling the overwhelming emotional weight of my situation. I needed my mommy, and like always she was right there ready and willing to bend reality for me just like I do for her. 

   I cried into my hands in the bathroom of a hotel with all my dreams falling away in tears and ashes. Seriously, I was conjuring scenarios in my mind where I’d have to stay with mom in an apartment and take care of her for some reason, or a ton of different scenarios where college never happened. My overactive imagination was jumping down every horrible situation I could dream up.  

   I was spiraling. It’s wasn’t one of my finest moments. 

“What do you mean honey.” Mom sounded petrified. She needed me sure, but right then she had no idea how to help me. 

“I just went to the bathroom. I mean, I barely peed at all, but I felt like I couldn’t hold it anymore as soon as I sat down. It was hurting to hold it while I walked in here. It felt like I was about to pee all over myself sitting there on the bed. Walking was even scarier. Even when I manage to go a little, the relief doesn’t last long before I’m back at the near pissing myself feeling.” I wailed. 

“Maddie you didn’t drink anything, and we were only in the other room maybe five minutes. You know there’s nothing in there right? Why don’t you try pushing a little, and I’ll help you lay down again? Then you won’t have to worry.” Mom coached while pointing at my traitorous bladder. 

“GAWD Momma! I know how to pee. I’m telling you something is wrong. My bladder isn’t full, but I’m tingling like I’m about to wet myself.” I huffed at her while crossing my arms. 

“Don’t take it out on me young lady! It’s only been a couple days since the fire. Maybe you hurt yourself worse than we thought? I don’t remember talking to the ER guys or the EMTs about bladder stuff. Did you talk to them?” Mom prompted. 

I dried my eyes with some toilet paper, “No Momma. I’m not even sure it was a thing then. Plus, the pain from the fall was keeping some of this other stuff away. I was hurting too bad to feel the tingle, but it’s all I feel now! And… I’m sorry for yelling.” I conceded hanging my head. 

   Mom sighed and looked down. The look on her face told me her fear had elevated. 

“Baby, your panties are a little wet. Do you know when that happened?” She asked me still staring down at the condition of my underwear with a patient look of concern in her loving eyes. 

“They’re WHAT!” I sobbed anew. 

“It’s not much honey. Maybe you just went a little when you stood up. It looked like it hurt. Ha! that happens to me all the time. Peeing a little here and there happens to a lot of girls. I’ve had to wear a heavy pad since you were born.” Mom offered. 

It did hurt, but I had no idea that I’d “leaked.” The thought was simply terrifying. 

‘OMG!’           

“Have you ever held it so long that your control was literally bouncing. You’d flexed the muscles so long they would contract and relax, like a pulse you don’t have control over. That feeling of you have literally one moment longer before there’s a mess to clean up. When your bladder says a rowdy Fuck You and dumps its load without your consent?” I begged her to understand. Mom nodded. 

“That’s how I’m feeling all the time right now. It’s exhausting and it’s killing my already pissed off back.” I groused. 

   In another fit of age-inappropriate mental fatigue, I dramatically kicked my underwear and shorts off of my bad leg with the good one. I needed the wet panties as far away from me as possible. Mom took some toilet paper and wiped the tears from my face, and started a bath. 

“I’ll go to Wally World by myself honey. You said your back was hurting, so you just take a nice long hot bath and enjoy all this never ending hotel hot water. Mommy will be right back baby.” She told me visually assessing me for further damage. She wasn’t sure what to do.           

   It seemed like a terrific idea, soaking in the tub. I have always loved to soak in a deep hot bath. Our hot water heater was under too much demand and way too old to keep up with a deep water baths at home. Suddenly, I was excited that I could soak, then shave, and have enough hot water to shower off too. 

‘I’ll finally feel human again, at least until I had to resume my porcelain vigilance.’ I sighed. 

‘What the hell is going on with me?! Mom’s still got to make that Wal-Mart run, but at least she seems willing to make it on her own now. I’m just glad I don’t have to go and that she can get to her checking account. Fuck!’ I shouted internally. I’d forgotten that I couldn’t “submerge” my leg. 

   Mom had grabbed her purse on the way out the front door of our former home. She still had her debit and credit cards. Thank the Lord! If she’d lost those too, we’d have no access to the meager funds we currently had available. As it was, I only had temporary checks on my account.           

   Work had given me the week off paid. That was super nice of my boss, and the old jerk wasn’t known for his super niceness. Mom had taken the week off too. She wasn’t fortunate enough for bonus unpaid leave though. She had to burn the rest of her vacation and sick/personal days. She wouldn’t be off around Christmas now. That realization hit me hard. 

“Oh momma, all your Christmas presents were already under the tree, and I can’t take a bath cause of the stitches.” I cried yet again feeling the weight of our loss. My emotions were all over the place. I knew it, and still couldn’t stop it. That just pissed me off more. 

   I was really excited to give her the Sylvester Jumper set. It was the pivotal part of her Christmas. Mom still had what was left of the Bugs footed sleeper, but I don’t think she would be sleeping in it anymore. It probably reminded her of the fire, and neither of us wanted that. My resolve hardened again. 

   Mom would have the Sylvester jumper set for Christmas! With that goal I rediscovered my strength, if only temporarily.



 

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Ahh, I see you're finally getting around to re-posting this. :) good. I'll probably give it a read after Birch House. But I will start adding comments to make sure the pages aren't 20 miles long (I did the same thing with Aubrey & Stacey.)

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 3 - Another good snot faced cry

 

   Forget the shower, I was starting to feel water logged from all these tears! 

   Everything in my life traced back to my home. It was like some horrible game of Seven Degrees from Kevin Bacon, Seven Connections to my Burnt Down House. We’d never lived anywhere else. Everything I knew, every single memory, was now ashes and mud. They told us nothing was salvageable, and I hadn’t felt like checking it out myself. I hadn’t felt like leaving the hotel room for that matter. It wasn’t like I could get around good enough to sift through debris anyway. So, it all just sat there open to the elements. 

   Even mom hadn’t been back by the site of the fire, and she was going stir crazy around our little hotel suite. She was constantly coming and going as she thought of little things she could pick up or go do. I had just stayed in the hotel room greeting the many well-wishers, most of the time from the freaking bathroom! I had a few friends that came by and hung out, but not many. With semester finals, even the ones who wanted to stay couldn’t stay for long. 

   It’s not like my friends and classmates didn’t have sympathy, it’s more like they didn’t feel comfortable around the tragedy. As if being hurt wasn’t enough to make them uncomfortable, it was the sudden realization that everything they held dear is one spark away from ashes like my past was. I guess no one really wants to confront that reality. 

   I can’t say I blamed them. I was living the reality and it still had to sink in in small doses. I’d have caved under the pressure if it had all fallen on me all at once. Isn’t the mind a blessedly weird and wonderful thing? Friend and enemy all in one. 

   My friends and classmates were highly stressed for me, which only messed with my head even more. They’d putter around not being able to do anything to help, or think of something uplifting to say while I talked through the bathroom door. No one really had extra cash laying around to help us, not in this economy. Not that we would have accepted, but honestly, in these situations money is the only thing that really helps. 

   Not having a phone isolated me from the outside world even further, like my bladder wasn’t doing a bang up job at that already! I’m pretty sure a few of my friends couldn’t even carry on a face to face conversation anymore! I felt like I was stuck in a furnished cave back in the technological dark ages. I can tell you with all certainty, technology withdraws are a real thing! 

   I’m still not sure if the loss of my phone was a blessing or a curse though. 

   I was in pain physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was truly and utterly overwhelmed standing there in the hotel bathtub. Even when it felt like life was too much to bear, I didn’t think of ending it. Nope. Never! Not me. I’m way too stubborn. The world was in for Maddison Page for until she didn’t have a say about it any more! 

What’s really hard to process is all this crazy “mommy” crap. Where the hell is that coming from. Sure, I feel like poo, but I’m not comfortable with the role reversal that was swinging back and forth here. I have to get my crap together! 

   I thought of homework, college entrance essays, bill due dates, savings account balances, supply lists, finals, GPAs, ACT results, shoes, and whatever the hell that was going on with holding my pee. I couldn’t stop my wandering mind. It was everywhere. My body felt relaxed, but my mind was reeling. This shower was doing wonders for centering me though. Thinking and planning was my comfort zone. I just needed some time to get it all sorted. 

   If my phone wasn’t melted glass and crispy circuits, I’d be making ToDo Lists in my favorite app. As it was, I’d have to try and remember all this to write down later. I wouldn’t get it all, but it helped me to focus on the things I could influence. Besides, my head would circle the same lingering thoughts again later. It wouldn’t stop until I took an action and started solving some problems. 

   I poked my head out of the shower curtain and looked around for mom. I would have thought she’d have left by now, but she was worried about leaving me alone this morning. I sucked in a breath to detail why she should get out for a while when a random thought crossed my mind. 

“FUCK! I don’t have any other copies of my essays Momma! I’ll have to start writing my entrance and scholarship papers all over again. My damn computer went up with the house. I can’t even make use of this down time.” I screamed startling mom while she was standing by the door trying to leave. 

“Maddison Page! That’s enough with the language young lady!” Mom scolded me sternly while I broke down in rage hitting the bathtub wall. This time I didn’t have to strain to hear her authority. It came through clearly and piping hot! 

   I gave her a sincere nod. I had everything else to worry about. I thought mom only had to worry about me. I knew for certain that I didn’t want her spare brain power poring over my bathroom issues. I’d just as soon have mom fussing over fire details instead of me. Mom focusing on me wasn’t going to reduce my stress levels. That was for damn sure! 

   Fortunately, I had already submitted my application to state. I was fairly certain I’d get in, but you never put all your hopes in one place. I had a deadline of mid-January for the other essays though. I still had some time if I could just get started, but there was no getting started without a laptop. 

Now that I think about it, most of my drafts are on Google Docs with my school account. I may not have to start from scratch! The thought brought a genuine smile to my face. The first one I’d had in a while. 

   Again fortunately, I was exempt from most of my finals this semester so the school had worked this week out as an extended Christmas vacation for me. I had to do a written exam for English Comp. I had some notes on it which were sitting on the nightstand out by the hotel bed, but I hadn’t been able to focus enough to make much headway. 

God bless them, I need a break somewhere. Who’d have thought it would come from the school? But, this “young lady” crap needs to stop before it snowballs on me. I want my Momma back, and I’m nearly a card carrying adult. I’m not headed in the right direction here! 

“Honey, you just stay here and don’t worry about going out with me. I’ll manage just fine. It sounds like you could use a nap anyway. Is the pain keeping you up? Do you still feel like you have to go when you are you sleeping? Are the urges keeping you up? You still have some of the pain medicine from the ER right?” She asked questioning the “need to pee” thing I had going on. 

“If I can fall asleep before my bladder starts false alarm coding again, I could definitely use some sleep though.” I told her from my warm shower of peace. I took a breath and tried to soak up as much of that peace as I could.           

   We hadn’t been awake very long before mom had cleaned up and dawned some borrowed clothes this morning. It was only a little after seven when I started this shower. She was in the “get something done” mode, but there was no house to clean now, and tidying up our one bed hotel suite just didn’t take her that long. Mom inched toward the suite door. She was ready to get out of the room, but she seemed to be reluctant to leave me alone. She was fighting the mom of fixing it for her child, and the need to get away for her own sanity. 

God, I pray I can get to sleep, and I hope I didn’t wet my panties while I do!  I prayed to the powers that be. I also made a mental not to look up Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I was pretty sure mom suffered terribly. 

“I’ll grab some melatonin. That’ll help you off to sleep before your bladder can get all mouthy.” Mom smirked. “I’ll check the bed when I get back, you know just in case. Now get dried off and go to sleep.” 

You’re hilarious. Glad someone thinks this shit is funny! I thought sarcastically shooting my mom the stink face behind her back. 

“Thanks momma.” I actually said out loud. 

   She had to help me ease into the bathtub earlier, and I had really appreciated her help too. I just seemed to find more pain as time went by not less. I just wish I had had my phone. I’d enjoy some music. Still, that hot water felt terrific on my leg, back, arm, and even my mind. That back and forth to the bathroom was getting really old and making me more sore than I had imagined was possible. 

“Look, I’m going to cut you some slack, but you had better clean up that mouth. I’m not sure how long we’ll be cooped up here. We have to stay on the same team and not snipe at each other. I love you with all my heart my sweet baby.” Mom told me jiggling her keys and putting the do not disturb on the door as she stepped back into the bathroom.  

   She just couldn’t leave she was too nervous, but she was still itching to go. I needed to let her off the hook because it was growing clear she wouldn’t leave on her own. 

“I’m sorry momma. I love you too. How long till we get something from the insurance company? I already gave them an itemized list of the house contents, so I think we are only waiting on the contents check. It’s not like the adjuster has much to work with out there. 

I really have to get a computer. Do you think I should get one with my savings and just replenish it later with the insurance money?” I pleaded for permission from my shower of solitude. 

“I’d guess we’ll be getting something from them soon. The contents check at least. You can call them and ask when you get out?” Mom volunteered me.  

What happened to my nap? 

“I may have to get something before then. I have entrance essays and some deadlines on several scholarships ahead of me. I need to schedule some interviews for a few of the local scholarships. I need to meet with the consolers and work out any colleges that I haven’t applied to. I have the ACT again this weekend. I really need to get my score up from 27 to 30. Well shit, I lost all of my study material that I’d bought before the fire. ARGH! 

Oh, the house insurance is due at the end of the month. Not sure how that goes now since there isn’t a house. The vehicle insurance is due middle of next month. Christmas is gone, and I have three papers to write for AP Comp before Christmas break is over. Not to mention, I don’t have any underwear, socks, hair products, makeup, clothes, posters, pencils, or a room of my own.” I started crying again. That was a damn long list, and it was just the first things off the top of my head. 

   Mom made it back over to the shower, but refused to fall into tears again. Our pastor had stopped by yesterday. We broke down many times while he and his wife were here. He just loved and hugged us through it all. Mrs. Hagan reminded us that grieving was part of the healing process and that we’d continue to have little bouts of sorrow. 

“It’s normal girls. You two just let it all out we’re all here for you.” She’d told us. 

   My bladder tingled again causing me to worry to spike. It was easier to get out with mom helping me, so I decided to get out of the tub. My shaving and such would just have to wait. I grabbed the wall railing and headed back to the toilet crying. My tears fell unchecked to the tile. I was tired and my face was sore and puffy, so I just let the tears fall. 

“Oh Honey. I can wait until later to go to the store. Besides maybe you’ll feel better and can go with me?” Mom offered. 

   After another failed attempt on the toilet, I dried off and we headed off to the couch. I was aching all over like when you’re running a high fever. I lay down on the couch and asked mom for a pillow. She snagged a pillow for me off the bed. It wasn’t the right thickness, fluffiness, or texture. Hell, it didn’t even smell right. 

   My pillow smelled like burnt up memories, but I wanted it right then. I decided I’d wash it and dry it later. I wanted that back. A little grass or bush stain wasn’t going to keep me from the pillow my Daddy got me. 

“Nah, you go. I might need some time alone for a good snot faced cry. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better mood when you get back. Will you pick up some nasal saline wash? I can’t smell anything but the fire.” I sighed and tried to relax into the little nest she had made.

 

“Damn it.” I bellowed moments later. 

   I was back on my way to the bathroom before mom made it back to the damn door. She looked back  with a worried look on her face and I just waved her on taking off my leg brace-cast-thing. 

   I grabbed a bottle of water out of the mini-fridge and headed back to my new fulltime chair. I’d decided to take another long shower and just not care if I peed in the hotel tub or not. I wanted to shave everything, brush my teeth, and regain my sense of humanness anyway. I snagged my wet panties with my toes. I had every intention of sitting them on the sink, but stopped so I could take off the panties I was wearing. The wet crotch of my last fresh panties took my breath away. 

When the hell did that happen? Am I wetting my pants now? Monkey Balls! All the time I’ve spent on this damn toilet the last few days and there’s still piss in my panties! How the holy hell is there anything left in there! 

   I told the toilet to go ‘F’ itself aloud, and hoped in the shower. Besides, I wasn’t cleaning the shower so what did I care if I peed. I turned the water up good and steamy. I’d get out of this shower floppy limbed and red as could be, but I just didn’t care anymore. The only other pair of panties I had was in the dirty clothes and my last two pair were apparently wet now. 

   The shower is a great place for that snot faced cry I had promised myself, clean up being instant and all. Eventually, it was just the noise of my sorrow. Finally, it stopped. I was sure I’d have been sobbing if I could, but I just didn’t have anything left in the tank. I was finally all cried out. I reached out of the shower and grabbed my soiled undergarments. They needed a good rinse too, and I decided to take care of it while I was in the shower. 

   I might have punched the shower wall with my good hand. More than once. I’m not proud of my little temper tantrum, but I felt better after I let it all out even if my knuckles were are red because of it. 

   My cuts stung under the water, but they went numb with the rest of my skin in the heat. I’d left my leg and wrist splints in the bedroom on the sink. I needed a place to sit, but the hotel shower didn’t have the built in chair. I just leaned against the wall and let the water beat down my back and sooth my aches and pains. Eventually, I got around to all that modern female hair maintenance and started feeling like myself. 

   The entire time I was in the shower, I felt like I needed to sit down and pee. It was seriously the strangest feeling, and it was humiliating. I had an ordered life with little time to spare and many many items to juggle. 

Every time I circled back around to my urine issues I thought, Ain’t nobody got no time for dat. 

   Apparently, the only time I had any relief from the constant need to pee was when I was asleep, or distracted by something like crazy anger. Worry only made it worse. Unfortunately, worry was about all I had. So it fed the problem like a perpetual motion machine. I worried and needed to pee. I worried about needing to pee. I couldn’t get away from the toilet, and that caused me to worry more. Wet and repeat.

 

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I had only read a couple of chapters of this before, so I'm glad to see you are reposting.  I thought I had a while to read the full story as it was a long one, but not so.  I'm enjoying it so far.  Thanks for reposting!

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I had only read a couple of chapters of this before, so I'm glad to see you are reposting.  I thought I had a while to read the full story as it was a long one, but not so.  I'm enjoying it so far.  Thanks for reposting!

Same here. Although part of the reason I stopped before was because I'm a very empathetic individual and it was physically hurting me to read about Maddison in that kind of pain. But I love DnP's other stories so much I want to give it another try when I have time. :)

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 3 - Another good snot faced cry

 

   Apparently, the only time I had any relief from the constant need to pee was when I was asleep, or distracted by something like crazy anger. Worry only made it worse. Unfortunately, worry was about all I had. So it fed the problem like a perpetual motion machine. I worried and needed to pee. I worried about needing to pee. I couldn’t get away from the toilet, and that caused me to worry more. Wet and repeat.

 

I'm legitimately surprised the hospital didn't check for a spinal injury, that's borderline malpractice in this case.

 

Also I'm curious did you have a specific cause in mind for Madison's issues? I have almost the exact same symptoms only sporadic not continuous and their was no traumatic injury in my case.

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I have the specific injury she's dealing with, I just gave her a different cause. Her's was sudden, mine was gradual. The hospital didn't catch it because she didn't tell them about her back hurting. Everything else was more at the time. Besides the imagines wouldn't be clear till some of the swelling goes down.

I'd be happy to talk to you about my injury, disability, and continued treatment. Message me!

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 4 - Horny Bitch

 

   I wanted to be an engineer, though I was torn between software/computers and structural engineering. I was great at math, but not so much with English or the fine arts. Those domains are driving by different parts of the brain.

 

   I loved computers, but I didn’t have the time or money to really play with them the way I wanted. I adored the feeling of working through known and unknown solutions to get the end result I was looking for. It’s like an exciting puzzle. They felt terrific when they’re solved.

 

   I also liked the idea of building things in software and designing custom physical solutions to business needs. It all seemed like the same basic set of skills applied in two different specialized job markets to me. I intended to sample both in college before I made my decision. The Maths required for both tracts were similar so I wouldn’t lose the credit hours I would be earning.

 

   I’d never faced a problem like my bladder stuff or my back pain. This pee thing wasn’t a problem I could use deductive reasoning on. Or could I?

 

Ok, so this started at the hospital after the fire. Check.

I don’t really go, I just feel like I need to. Check.

  Oh damn it, I mostly don’t really go.

My wrist hurts, but that should be irrelevant.

My leg is killing me, but that can’t be it either. I don’t piss from my knees!

My back hurts worse than anything else. The rest is trivial by comparison.

 

Did I land on something?

My lady bits feel fine. I don’t remember any pain in or around my kitty.

 

The small of my back hurts really badly. I’ve never really had pain there before. They told me I took a hard hit to my ass not my back?

 

I wonder if all this is physical or mental. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have a phone. I’d be all up in Web-MD self-diagnosing the shit out of my situation.

 

God I hope I didn’t do something awful to my back. It takes a long ass time to get over back injuries doesn’t it?

 

   They’d said I was too swollen to do an MRI and the x-ray didn’t come back with anything, broken wrist or arms. My leg and lower back were too messed up to get a clear image. They said it was mostly bruises, cuts, and muscle tears. The ER doctor told me the muscle tears in my leg were worse than actually breaking it though.

 

   So maybe that wasn’t lucky.

 

Sigh. MRIs are so expensive! I wonder how much of all of this the insurance will pay? Will our health insurance work with the home owners? I need to go with mom to the next meeting. I hate not knowing what’s going on. I’ll just have to sit on a fucking towel or something, but I’m going damn it! I don’t mind her being involved, but I only trust myself to ask all of the right questions and remember the answers.

 

   I continued to ponder the money side of things forcing my mind to let my bladder problems go for a while, literally and figuratively. I stood in the hot shower thinking over all of the mess we were in not caring if I actually peed or not. It was a relief to ignore the signals for a time.

 

   Would we rebuild? Can you not rebuild, is that an option? Would we take the money and sell the land? Would we just rent an apartment? Would they let us rent an adjoining suite in this hotel, or at least one with two beds?

 

   I wondered if Mom would mom let me stay in my own room?

 

I hate her knowing every time I go to the bathroom. She’s going to smother me.

 

   That last thought really freaked me out.

 

I really need a vacation, but I just have one semester of high school left. I could have handled that before… before the fire. I wonder if mom would let me drink? HaHa I think a glass of wine would be just the thing right now.

 

   I heard someone knocking at the door, so I ended my shower earlier than I wanted. Faced with dirty panties or freshly rinsed panties, I opted to go commando and just wear a pair of running shorts that my best friend Merry had lent me. I was out of the two pair the church had brought over.

 

   Merry and I were in cross country together. I had gotten my times down on my 5k from 20:32 to 19:48 or so, I could have another potential source of college money in an athletic scholarship. I’d be running everyday whether it was competitive or not, so why not run for college money?

 

I wonder how long I’ll be out with this injury. Would I ever run again? Is my leg that messed up?

 

   I reigned in my fluttering thoughts that had nothing to do with clothes, and tossed on an oversized tee. I didn’t worry about my mostly unnecessary bra. I went to check the time on my phone, but quickly realized I didn’t have one anymore. I peeked through the peephole in the door.

 

Speak of the devil, there’s my bitch now!

 

   I was so used to pulling my phone from the band in my shorts, that I kind of freaked myself out for a moment when I couldn’t find it… again.

 

Fucking fire! It’s like a missing limb… argh!

 

   I let Merry in and she hugged the life out of me. My body announced another potty break, so I invited her in the bathroom with me. She’d have come anyway, we had no secrets. Merry jumped up on the bathroom counter and spun around to inspect her face. I guess she was giving me some privacy which was a little unusual, but definitely welcome.

 

   My bestie was very much a visual girl. I was pretty sure she was straight, but she loved to see almost anyone nude. She was a very sexual person.

 

Horney bitch…’ I murmured internally shaking my head.

 

“Listen M, you need to get out of here. Your mom called me. She said that you were having a hard time, and asked if I’d come over. Of course I was like, ‘that’s no skin off my teeth’. Anything to get out of classes, right?

 

It’s not like we were doing anything important today. AP Lit and AP Gov have closed the books on the semester and we are helping them grade other classes as a “review”. Mr. Fountain sent a packet over for that Comp final. I told him you didn’t even have a book or computer, so he loaned you one of his classroom books.”

 

   Believe it or not, she just continued to talk. Merry, so named by her hippy parents, carried most of our conversations. I always had too much on my mind, but it’s not like she’d have let me talk anyway!

 

   Merry knew everything I was going through, but most of it held no meaning for her. She didn’t have to work like I did. Her grades were good enough for AP placement and for the local community college which she intended to attend.

 

   While Merry was babbling through what I had missed at school that day, I finished using the bathroom. Sadly, nothing had happened on the toilet. I decided to just put my shorts back on. I grabbed my lightly damp shower towel and my still dripping wet panties. I didn’t hide the fact that I was putting on her shorts without any panties, or that my panties were soaking wet. Merry was too busy talking to notice anyway.

 

“Sigh…” I emoted audibly.

 

   I’d have to tell her myself instead of letting her ask like I’d hoped. I was exhausted and Merry’s voice was so soothing that I had nearly passed out sitting on the toilet. I was fading fast so I decided to get up and head to the couch.

 

   Almost on impulse, my subconscious remembered my towel as we headed to the living area in our hotel suite. I folded up the barely damp towel and sat down on it. I swiveled back to the couch and lay out on my pillow. I hadn’t put my splint-cast-things back on yet, so I was more mobile than normal.

 

“Damn that hurt my back. I keep forgetting. Hey M, will you grab my splints?” I begged my friend in a whiny voice.

 

“Yeah, I got this. Want me to put them back on for you?”

 

“I’d love you forever if you did!” I teased her with a kissy face.

 

   Merry jumped off the coffee table where she had perched and made the short trip to the bathroom. She grabbed the baby powder smelling spray deodorant from the counter and hit my splints with it. I was scared they’d start smelling like a cast if I wasn’t careful. She came back in and strapped me back into the protective gear.

 

I bet she was a cat in a past life, the way she likes to sit up high wadded up into a person ball. All slinking around like a sexy thing. I mused merrily watching her move around.

 

“Dude, you’re totally flashing your gash. Not that I mind.” She giggled.

 

“Perv.” Was all I had to say about that.

 

“Meh, I own it!” She blew me off with a shrug.

 

“Yeah there’s no question. Jury is still out on your lesbian card though. Your membership come in the mail yet?” I teased.

 

“Nope I likes me penises, but those things look horrible. Now, lady bits are fun to look at.” She carried on staring intently.

 

“Well, look all ya want cause I’m done. I’m exhausted and if I fall asleep right now I may not have to go to the friggin bathroom again.” I confessed.

 

“Friggin?” Merry looked puzzled.

 

“Momma asked me not to cuss, so I’m working on it. We are going to be living too closely to abuse our manors. We don’t want to be at each other’s throats in under three days.” I parroted mom.

 

Awe Damn It! Now it makes sense. I hate that. I friggin hate that.

 

*Bladder/Kitty Twinge*

 

“Shit! help me up.” I begged.

 

“HA HA, that didn’t last long.” She barbed back at me.

 

“Yeah, you’d be on a four letter word basis with the bathroom too, if you were me.” I defended.

 

“What’s going on Maddison?” She begged me with concern flooding her eyes bringing out my full name.

 

There will be no distracting her now. My full name meant business.

 

   I sat down on the toilet yet again, and explained to her what was going on. It took a while to tell her the whole story exhausting me even further. I hadn’t really shared all of this with anyone, even mom. She’d picked up on some of it, but I told Merry everything while I sat there without any fruit for my labors.

 

   Apparently everything was quite a bit of information. It took a good deal longer than a normal bathroom visit should take to tell her the whole story. I could see the sympathy in her eyes. Her heart was going out to me. I was thrilled to gain her sympathy and to have her as a confidant, but I really didn’t want to be thinking about my pissing habits anymore.

 

   I felt so worn out. I needed to sleep, but I just couldn’t get there. Especially not after that “tiny” accident I had in my panties. I worried about that almost constantly. Had it been a small accident? Had I just leaked bit, or had I only wet a little bit because that’s all there was in me? What if it had been a full go, but I just didn’t have anything stocked up?

 

   That thought was utterly terrifying. Hell, the thought of not being able to control your bladder should be horrifying to just about anyone. Merry was full of compassion. She was ready to fix the world on my behalf. I could see the steam wheels in her head churning out ideas.

 

Bet she’ll have everyone pissing their pants with me if she can’t fix me… HaHa Sorry about that the rest of the world!

 

“Let’s get you laid down for a nap M. You need the rest. I’ll lay down with you cause I could use a nap too. It’s still freaking early!” She cooed at me like a babysitter to a charge.

 

   I didn’t catch the tone she was using. I was just too tired. Merry loved me, and I trusted her so I didn’t even register it. I’d lost my old Blossom doll in the fire, and was therefore without a cuddle buddy anyway.

 

   Merry pulled cushions off the back of the couch and helped me lay down. I moved my towel toward the back of the couch and wiggled back to the back side of the tiny couch facing outward. Jan grabbed a pillow off the actual bed and a sheet from the bottom drawer of the dresser. Then she lay down next to me and covered us both up.

 

   We slept like this all the time. We’d been cuddle buddies since we started school at five. I thought nothing of it. She didn’t speak. She just lay there with me as the little spoon like always.

 

   Apparently, I really needed that sense of normalcy she brought. It took all of three seconds before I passed out. Merry didn’t last long either. Told you she was a cat! I knew she was out because she snores, and I remember hearing that just before letting go myself.

 

   In what felt like only moments later, I heard the door. I tried to roll over but it was impossible until Merry moved. I craned my neck the best I could and waved at mom with my good hand.

 

“Hey girls. I see you’re up Maddison. Merry honey get up Maddie is stuck.” Mom said rustling Merry to consciousness.

 

“Hey, Mrs. P.” Merry slurred.

 

   I saw my best friend wipe a prodigious amount of drool from her face. She looked down at the couch and swiped at it too. Merry swung around and sat on the coffee table and helped me sit up.

 

   Mom looked at me confused, “Honey why aren’t you wearing panties? Did you put your shorts on while you were wet?”

 

“Merry, will you fill momma in? I need to use the bathroom.” It was true, I did need to go, or felt like I did anyway. Really, it was also a cop out. I didn’t want to talk to mom about it. I was mortified. I’m usually taking care of things for Mom, not Mom taking care of me.

 

She’s going to smother me over this. I’m doomed!

 

   I don’t really get “done” going to the bathroom anymore, but I’d been sitting there long enough to grow grass when momma and Merry came in. It was a big bathroom and Merry perched on the sink again. She reached out her hand asking for mine. I took her hand and waited on mom to start in on me.

 

Jeez, my back is killing me. I thought trying to rotate and ease up the pressure while I waited on mom to speak.

 

“Baby I didn’t know that all this potty stuff was this bad. I called Dr. Chu, and made an appointment. He can see you in about an hour. Merry said you were in the shower when she got here right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m all cleaned up, but my back is going nuts.” I told her.

 

“Well, let’s get you changed and we’ll head out.” Mom said.

 

“Merry are you coming with us?” I asked her.

 

“I can if you want me too.” She hedged.

 

“Let’s get you ready while Merry checks with her mother. I, for one, would love her company.” Mom said.

 

She’s talking to me like a kid. Something feels off here.

 

“Honey, I know this bathroom stuff is really stressing you out. I got quite a bit of stuff at the store that Merry and I are going to unload. I want you to scrub up your private parts while we unload the car. Merry honey do you mind helping me unload.”

 

“I’d be happy to. Did you say you brought some of the stuff in already?” She asked mom.

 

“Yup, Maddison I have a few things for you in a Walmart bag. I’ll bring it right in.”

 

   With that they both left. I couldn’t hear much from the main room, but it wasn’t long before mom returned and dropped off the bag. She kissed me on the head and I could hear them both leave the room after she closed the bathroom door. We were at the end of the hall on the third floor. It’d be a few minutes before they got back up here.

 

   I opened the bag and there was a package of generic baby wipes, a package of Depend Fit-Flex underwear for women, and a package of GoodNite’s Bedtime Underwear for Girls up to 125lbs. The first item in the bag was a note from mom. I overlooked it initially, in utter disbelief at the contents of the bag.

 

Maddison,

 

I grabbed these so you could have some confidence. I want you telling your bladder when you have to go not the other way around. I knew that this would be sensitive for you so we are going to run to McDonald’s across the road for some meal deals while you get dressed. You will get no judgement from Merry or I, so don’t worry about it. We won’t be gone very long so hurry and be ready when we get back. We’ll eat on the way to the Dr.’s office.

 

Love Mommy and Merry.

:)

 

   Mom signed the note. Merry signed the note with a smiley face.

 

I bet that’s why Merry didn’t want to commit to going to the Dr.’s with us. She wasn’t sure I’d want her around. I bet momma felt even more certain after Merry told her about my towel idea for the couch that she’d done the right thing.

 

   I looked down at my shorts. They were wet, even if only a little bit.

 

Guess it’s a good thing I slept on that towel. This just isn’t fair. God you took my home, and now I have to deal with this too?!

 

   I managed another good cry. Then I grabbed the wipes and cleaned up my smooth “lady bits” and stared at the two packages. It was a dilemma, one that I didn’t feel like I should have to solve. I should just be able to put on some panties from my underwear drawer and move on. I shouldn’t have to decide to use kids or adult pull-ups in a fucking hotel bathroom!

 

   I wasn’t seeing anyone right then, and I damn sure wasn’t putting out without a serious commitment that I didn’t trust high school boys to give. So most of my panties still had had childish designs, and since I haven’t grown much since I was fourteen most of those designs were pretty juvenile. In fact, my favorite pair of underwear was my pink lace trimmed Blossom underwear.

 

   Well, they were my favorites.

 

   Dad and I both loved to watch the PowderPuff Girls together. Maybe that’s why I held on to them so hard. Much of my childhood fell away in the months after he died, but I held fast to Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. Somehow it felt like a betrayal not to.

 

   The hearts and swirls on the GoodNite called out to the child in me, but the growing adult in me wanted to throw the middle finger at the world. Self-pity aside, I knew that fit determined effectiveness, so I simply tried them both on. Which wasn’t as easy as you’d think because I had to take off the splint to get them on.

 

   The depend fit but it came up to my belly button. The small/medium felt humungous on me when I moved around in it. The sound was there. It sounded like a diaper, and it was louder than I’d expected. Clothes could probably hide that. I slipped the Depend down my narrow hips, and slipped the GoodNite up.

 

   Even with my tiny hips, it was a bit of a struggle to get the thing in place. I tugged and pulled at the protective garment until everything was where it belonged. I ran my finger around the edges between my legs getting the final fit just right. Then I moved around. The final fit was amazing.

 

   Sure, I could tell I had a GoodNite on, but it was snug and flexible. It didn’t feel like it would gap anywhere. I sat down and stood up. I bent over and looked at my ass in the mirror fighting the pain. If I pulled my damp running shorts up tightly you could see the lines, but I bet it was just as bad with the Depend, maybe worse since it was a bit bigger.

 

   Plus, the Depend had arranged the protection in what looked like a big pad stuck to a panty all in one garment. That panty line would be more obvious than the GoodNite. I didn’t want to wet my pants so I had to choose one. The GoodNite was the best fit for my physically. The only problem was the GoodNite made a considerably larger amount of “diaper” noise.

 

So fit and protection came with the downside of noise and sacrifice of discretion. What a terrible choice for a seventeen year old girl to have to make. My life sucks! Fucking fire. Damn Dad dying on me. Stupid school. Fucking fine!!!

 

   I hobbled back into the suite looking for some shorts. Just then I realized I had wet Merry’s loaner running shorts, the only ones I currently had. I hobbled back into the bathroom and used the hair dryer to dry up the spot on her shorts. I slide the shorts up over my GoodNite like the big girl I am…lmao

 

How ironic is that? I think.

 

   I started strapping my leg brace back on and my back spasmed in pain like someone slipped a steak knife in my spine. I put on the house shoes mom had bought me panting and sweating through the pain.

 

Something is badly wrong.

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What I like about this is the voice: she really sounds like someone about 17 years old with the attention issues and the short ¶s and all. Nice work there.

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 5 - Mrs. P, you just ran a stop sign!

 

   I sprayed on some natural powder deodorant (it’s really baby powder scented, but most women don’t go for that, hence the branding). I rummaged around through the laundry on the floor by the hotel dresser sweaty and clammy. I found a mostly un-wrinkled shirt. It was a graphic tee proclaiming something ironic, but I didn’t look at what it actually said. 

   I brushed my hair back and put it in a high ponytail securing it with a hair tie about the time that Merry and Mom came in. My back had settled down to a dull roar, having backed off from feeling like a blinding fire. Dull pain was better than knives through the spine though! 

   I remember feeling like I was peeing myself again, but I told my bladder to go “Eff” itself. I decided to deal with that later. Just the thought of being able to deal with it later was liberating. It seemed like it had been forever since I had a vote in the matter. 

   Mom made eye contact with me as she twirled around and shut the door. I gave her a slight nod of my head indicating that I was a big girl and had made a choice. Mom seemed to note the pain in my face and let it all go at that, but Merry wasn’t born with any discretion and hadn’t learned it yet. 

“Awe come on girl, which diaper did you choose?” Merry begged with the tact of a clueless teenager. 

“Merry Selvage! That’s for Maddison to tell, not for us to ask.” Mom chastised her. 

   Merry didn’t seem the slightest bit phased by mom’s correction though. Nope not my Merry. She looked right at me wiggling her eyebrows asking with her look instead of words. It was her sort of “out with it” look. 

“It’s ok momma. I went with the GoodNite. It fit better, but I don’t like how loud they are.” I confessed staring daggers in the carpet and flexing my good hand at my side while digging my toes in the carpet. 

“Now there’s my big girl. Acting like an adult in this situation and choosing the protection she needs. You’ve shown incredible maturity taking care of your problem instead of denying it honey. Pretending there isn’t a problem won’t solve anything.” Mom praised me using one of dad’s old lines. 

I miss daddy. Wearing a diaper is the mature action, does that sound as weird on the outside as it did in my head? I struggled with the juxtaposition of my situation. 

“I may know all that, but it doesn’t feel that way. I feel like a little kid.” I sighed heavily. I grunted hard and got up by myself. It hurt pretty badly, but I needed an adult win so I took it. It seemed like my back was just getting more and more tender.  

   I wasn’t improving at all.

 

“Pfft, no one will hear anything with those shorts. That material is like wearing a wind suite anyway. Letmesee.” Merry blurted wiggling her hands for me to hurry up. 

She’s probably right about that. They don’t sound that different. It’s not like I’ll have a normal gate with this thing on my leg anyway. Bright Side Goggles Engaged! I thought forcing myself to find a silver lining and a smile at Merry’s antics.

   Mom helped me put my donated pink coat on as Merry led the way out of our suite. I didn’t have a purse or anything else to take anymore. I felt naked. Well, naked but diapered. The few things I currently owned were literally on my back. I took a moment to absorb that and continued to the door. 

I own more pull-ups than I do panties. Now there’s another weird ass thought. 

   Merry was positively bubbly waiting on me at the door. I swear it was like she was four and just got a new puppy! I rounded the door frame and saw why. 

“Do it Merry! Your mom said you wouldn’t, but I told her you were cool enough to ride the luggage cart downstairs. It’s perfect. It’s hilarious, and kind of necessary. We’ll never make it to the doctor’s on time if you don’t hurry anyway.” She said bouncing on her feet. 

I can’t even check the time without my phone. Who wears a watch anymore? I thought reaching for the missing device in my waistband. 

   I held the door open while mom and Merry sat everything off the cart from Wal-Mart into the closet nook. I hobbled up onto the cart and sat back against the rail where mom was pushing basically sitting on her hands. Merry walked along the front of the unwieldy thing guiding the cart. The three of us giggled and waved all the way to the car. I never gave my new underwear the time of day.

    Riding the cart really was fun, just like Merry promised it would be. When I went to get down out of the cart and mom tugged my coat down in the back. I guess she did it to cover up my pull-up which was peeking over the waistline of my shorts. 

Oops! I’ll have to watch that. 

   My normal tendency would be to stop and over analyze the situation I found myself in, but Merry literally sat me down in the front seat of mom’s car. I relied on her heavily to sit down with my jacked up back and leg in the splint thing. It seemed that my body was more worried about my back though. It spasmed with pain as soon as I go sat down, and I cinched up fiercely.

 “Ahhhh, Oh My God My Back.” I cried screaming out in pain and reflexively sat forward trying to stretch my back out. 

Bad Idea! 

“Honey, are you ok?” Mom begged me through the open driver’s door. 

“No momma.” I panted. “My back hurts so bad! It’s like I have a cramp in my foot but, it’s my waistline back there.” I cried out again. “Ahhhhh! Oh, Owie, Owie” Tears and sobs flowed freely. The pain was more than I’d ever dealt with before. 

“Merry hop out and lay her seat all the way back. Hurry now.” Mom told her calmly. 

   Merry hopped out of the seat behind me faster than I would have thought possible. She rocketed around her door and yanked mine open. I was still clinched forward in a ball of pain so I wasn’t in her way at all. She grabbed the seat lever and pushed it all the way back eliminating her previous seat. 

   Mom and Merry both grabbed a shoulder and helped me lay back down against the seat. Lying on my back was even worse, and I thought nothing could have topped the pain I was already in. I was fucking wrong!

    I rolled over to my side finding it slightly less painful. It still took my back a few minutes to release the pain and let me breathe again. We really needed to get moving or we were going to be late to my doctor’s appointment. Who knows how long we’d have to sit there if we missed the scheduled time. 

   I lay on my side with the seat belt sort of fastened in case of emergency. If I moved much at all my back would flare up again. So I stayed very very still. Merry sat behind my mom since I was laying in her spot too. She lay over the top of my seat rubbing my back. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that hurt too. 

*Sniff* “Momma?” 

“Yes honey?” She asks with tears in her eyes. 

“Something’s wrong. It won’t stop hurting.” I cried. 

“Dr. Chu will see you in a big hurry when I bring you in in pain. He’ll let us know if we need to go to the hospital or not baby. Just hold on. Try to drink and eat if you can.” She tells me concentrating on the road. 

“Mrs. P, you just ran a stop sign!” Merry cried out. 

“Hush now Merry. You’ll worry Maddie.” Mom chides in an uncharacteristically harsh tone. 

   I just focused on sipping the orange Hi-C from McDonald's and nibbled on a nugget or two. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t think of much else. My stomach was queasy too, so I wasn’t about to each much. But, the cold drink felt good. So, I drank the entire thing. 

   Every pothole, bump in the road, or uneven pavement that we crossed caused my spine to stab me with a serrated kitchen knife. By the time we made it to the medical clinic my general practitioner practiced at, the pains were shooting down my bad right leg behind my knee. 

   I was so inward focused, I didn’t notice how quickly we arrived at the Dr.’s Office. Funny how that works. The cure for an overactive mind is pain. Lots of blinding white-hot stabbed-in-the-face pain. Frankly, I’d rather be stressed out than in this much pain, but a moment free of our situation was welcome too. Just not worth the price. 

   I couldn’t figure out if having my knee curled might help or not, and I couldn’t test bending it closer to me because of the walking cast. There was no getting comfortable. There was no getting away from the pain. Things were hurting that I didn’t even know had any ability too. My knee pit, is that a thing, felt like someone was holding boiling hot ice to my skin. It was a burning pain with a cold numbness underneath. The teasing numbness was only skin deep though. 

   Apparently, my pain nerves were deeper. 

   I gave up any pretense of managing my shit. I was full on sobbing and wailing. It was a dry sob thanks to the emotional cries I’d had earlier, so it sounded ridiculous. What an awful day! 

“Ahhhh!” I cried out in pain when the car rocked coming to a stop. 

“Merry, quick now out and around. Let her pull against you. I’ll push from here. When I come around and take her from you, run in and tell the nurse that Maddie is now an emergency!” Mom huffs out putting the car in park and dropping the keys in her purse. 

   Merry was around the car with my door open before I could even begin to roll over. I was dreading it like a root canal. I didn’t want to lie flat of my back for any reason. Even the thought terrified me. I held out my good hand to Merry. I’d need the leverage to move with my core and not bend. Too bad there wasn’t enough room to sort of plank in a ball out of the car. 

   And then life kicked me in the lady balls again, my shorts pulled down in the back exposing my pull-up to Mom and anyone on that side of the car, but she didn’t seem to notice. I was aware, but my concern was with the pain in my back not my underwear.

 Underdiaper, embarrassing assed padding? Whatever!

 

   Mom pushed and I pulled on Merry. Between the three of us, I was finally upright. I still had a shooting pain in my back and my bad right leg, but the brace was helping now that I was upright. The pain was still there, but it wasn’t as intense for me.  Standing up vertically and leaning forward a bit on mom changed the pressure points. 

“Phew.” I exhale puffing my hair out of my face. 

“Can you walk honey?” Mom asks with tears in her voice. 

“My knee pit hurts. I think I need someone under both arms.” I told her willing to try. 

   Merry was with me acting as a crutch, and so was Mom. It was a good thing she’s a short little thing. We slowly and painfully walked into the waiting room of the clinic. Every step felt like I was grinding my bones against sandpaper inside the joints. 

   A nurse grabbed my mom to talk over what was going on, while another nurse wheeled out a chair. My nurse and Merry slowly lowered me into the seat, and they elevated my right leg. There wasn’t really any position that didn’t hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. So, I just whimpered. 

   The second nurse’s name tag read Paige. Nurse Paige and Merry wheeled me to a waiting room. Immediately after they got me on an exam table, Dr. Chu and my mom walked in together. Dr. Chu was calm and in control while my mom reflected the opposite of both those qualities. 

“Alright Maddie, you definitely got the worst end of this. Tell me what’s going on.” He prompts first looking mom over and then looking over my chart. 

   Mom started in with the fall from the third story window and my landing on my very, at the time, non padded tush. Then she proceeded with the full tale of my bathroom business. I had to chime in from time to time, but she did a great job of retelling the story. 

“Maddison, I have you down with no broken bones or surgeries right?” Dr. Chu asks 

“No.” I squeak out, and mom replied at the same time. 

   The exam table was padded but I just couldn’t lay flat of my back. The pain came back and it was intense. I had to get my legs up or sit up, I didn’t know which. Merry, bless her, she noticed how I was struggling. 

“Hey, Doc. I need to sit her up. Her back is killin’er.” Merry tells the room wringing her hands nervously. 

   They helped me sit up, and Dr. Chu moved the table and locked it. I was mostly sitting up. He asked me a series of questions about my pain. When it was at its worst, could I do anything to change it, had I done anything new to any of those areas? Then he asked me to lie down on the table. 

   With tears streaming down my face, they laid me back down on the exam table only on my stomach, which was mildly better than flat of my back. It hurt, but not like it hurt when I lay on my back like I had in the car. I shoved both of my hands under my hips to elevate my butt. He touched my back asking about pain and then tugged my pull-up and shorts down past the top of my butt crack. 

   He probed the area with his fingers remarking about how visibly puffy the base of my spine was. The bruising on my butt was just barely visible to me as I craned my neck to see what he was doing. I had landed harder that I thought I had rolling out of the bush. 

“This could have been worse young lady.” He told me patting my leg below the diaper and shorts. “You could have broken your back! I know you are in pain here, but if you’d fallen out of the window and then landed straight on you bottom you may not be sitting here right now, or at the least may have severely injured your spinal cord likely ending in some level of paralysis. If you’d have jumped and landed straight on your feet you would have broken legs, hips, and feet. This could have been facing a ton of surgeries and recovery time. I’m not telling you that you aren’t in some trouble here though, I am worried about a compression event in your lower back.” He looked over at mom. 

   I heard everything he said, but I was having a damned hard time accepting that this was a “good” level of pain. 

“Dr. Chu, This is hurting really bad. Can I roll to my side? Holy Shit! Momma, take off my shoe! Do it now!” I trumpeted with as much authority as I could muster. 

Mom never batted an eye she simply took off my shoe, “Baby, it’s off.” 

“Merry I can’t feel the outside of my right leg or from my middle toe out. I’m trying to wiggle them are they moving?” I asked frantically with visions of paralyses running through my mind. 

“Little Ms. Page, I assure you. You’re toes are still there and wiggling, but I need to check a few things.” He told me. 

   Merry took my hands and sat on the exam table in front of me. Dr. Chu turned and went to the door hollering for his nurse. They had a quick conversation in the hall. Merry stepped up and straightened out my pull-up and shorts. Thank god for her. Mom came over and patted the bottom side of my butt right over my diaper to avoid any painful areas on my back. 

“Merry can you run out to the car and get another pull-up for Maddie?” Mom asked my best friend. 

“I’m wet? I don’t know when that happened.” I whispered in shame probing the squishy garment with my hand while Merry affectionately rubbed my calf. 

There’s no point in protesting. I don’t want to wet myself. Hell, this is the only pair of shorts I have. I’ll be damned if this doesn’t add a terrible layer of “suck” to this whole situation though. I sniffled to myself. 

   It was as if I was watching a train wreck on TV. It was horrible, and I couldn’t look away. I was sort of detached from the whole situation. It was like it was happening to someone else. If it weren’t for the horrible pain, I would have sworn I was having a nightmare. 

“Don’t worry dude. We got this.” Merry told me smacking me on my diaper on her way out of the room. 

   Dr. Chu came back in the exam room while adjusting his glasses. He made a few notes on his tablet. Then he sat down and swiveled over to face mom while digging around in a drawer for a sealed steel instrument.   

“There’s an ambulance on the way to get Maddison. They aren’t running the sirens or anything, but your car isn’t the best transport for her right now. We don’t want to make this worse. I just pulled your chart from the hospital. You have a few burns, but you got out before the fire got bad right?” He asked mom. 

“That’s right. The stairs to the upstairs to Maddie’s room, were right next to the kitchen. Something in there went up and I had no choice but to leave out the front door without my baby.” Mom broke into a sob. 

“It’s ok dear.” Dr. Chu told her patting her shoulder. “No one thinks you did anything less than everything you could to reach her.” He reassured her.           

   Merry came back in while mom was getting herself together. She squatted down next to mom to hold her. I tossed a thumbs up to Merry when she looked over at me. I was thankful she was there to comfort her. Mom can be fragile. 

“I didn’t get burnt until I got to our neighbor’s house and Maddie wasn’t there. I tried to get back in the front of the house, but the heat was burning me from out in the yard. I couldn’t get in. I couldn’t get to my baby.” Mom sobbed. 

“I love you momma!” I shouted to her. 

“I love you too baby.” She sniffled. 

“So Doctor Chu, why do I need to change my er… underwear?” I asked while we waited on the ambulance, after we’d calmed down. 

   He wheeled back over to the exam table and started unlatching my leg brace. He laid it open without totally removing it. Then he started poking my foot asking where I could feel the poke. When he crossed the median of my right foot, he had to tell me where he was poking. Then he’d ask me to move a toe or something. 

   This went on all the way up my leg. The numbness was only in the toes and the outside of my foot. It went sporadically up the outside of my right leg and all the way up to my butt. He broke the side of the pull up so he could test my butt cheek. I had some regional numbness on it too. 

“On your wetting, in short, you’ve had a really bad fall. Your sphincters or bladder could be sore, bruised, or even damaged. You clearly have some spine trauma, but I don’t know the extent of it. Frankly, I wouldn’t guess too much since that’s not my specialty. They wanted to wait on an MRI of your lower back in the ER because the swelling was too bad and you weren’t in this kind of pain. With the escalation in pain I think we have to proceed regardless.” He took a deep breath. 

“Maddie, I’m concerned. This is only my opinion, but I think you may have some disc or vertebrae damage to your lower back. Depending on what’s happened in there, you may have some nerve damage. Your enuresis could be a symptom, or related to something else altogether. Honestly, there are too many variables right now. We need to work on identifying what’s causing the pain first. We’ll worry about the enuresis later.” He finished and paused to let us ask questions. 

“So it’s happening. We don’t know why yet. We don’t know how bad it will get or how long it will last. I guess the best thing we can do right now is the pull-ups?” I asked him. 

“I’ll have to turn you over to the neurosurgeon at the hospital for treatment on the spine issue. I can take a good educated guess, but diagnosis and treatment will be with Dr. Hadi. If they keep you at the hospital the protocol is – One, if you can stand the pain and it doesn’t add risk to your situation, assistance to the bathroom. Or two, they keep you in the hospital until surgery and post op for recovery and they will likely give you a catheter.” 

“Unfortunately, since you have already had to take an action at home, your options for inpatient are likely more of the same or the catheter. Both have their drawbacks, but both options are fairly normal, and either is fine with me. Personally, I’d rather the option you chose. They use them all the time and they are perfectly safe, but my wife had a bad episode with a catheter.” He smiled. 

“Oh, Dr. Chu! I have so many questions, but I don’t even know where to start.” My mom complained. 

“Well, I’ll start for you. First, is the MRI. Next is Dr. Hadi reviewing the results. Then, he’ll give you some treatment options. I’d guess it will be physical therapy and medication for pain, bed rest if it’s just a herniated disc. 

But if it’s a rupture, it depends on where the rupture is. Since a disc is circular it can rupture in any of 360°. Worst case is immediate surgery because of a large herniation or ruptured disc putting pressure on her spinal cord. These are also the most risky to work on due to the proximity to the spinal cord. Still they do it all the time!” He smiled at me and then mom. 

“Let your mom read the paperwork. Dr. Hadi is a very good surgeon. I trust him completely, but the paperwork can be a bit of a scary read. Let your mom read and sign that stuff and take advantage of your youth for a bit longer.” He said patting me on the leg. 

“Back surgery is almost an outpatient thing these days, but that paperwork can give you nightmares for the rest of your life!” He chuckled. 

   Nobody outside the house, except for Merry, knows about how our house functions. I’m the kid and the rest of the world assumes I’m the kid all the time. I wonder how they’d feel if they knew Mom was the kid some of the time? I really didn’t want her burdened with all of this and me. 

Not that momma’s really a kid or anything, she’s more like a detached mother living in the emotional past back when I was little and she could be little too. It’s a strange relationship I admit. I worry about her mental health sometimes, but she always seemed so happy. She’s fiercely capable when she has to be, but when she doesn’t she really doesn’t try. 

We may both need to see someone after all this. I decided. 

“That’s a lot to take in Doc.” Merry contributed.

 

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 6 - I have no idea when I’m peeing or not.

 

“So my baby might need surgery?” Mom gasped finally absorbing the whole situation. 

“Bottom line is. Something’s wrong with her lower back, and the next step is getting it looked at.” Dr. Chu shrugged. 

“You’re like a superhero M. leaps out of burning buildings in a single bound!” Merry goofed. “If only you were as durable.” She laughed at her own joke. I laughed too since it was pretty good. 

I giggled through the pain I was in, “Yeah, I’ll go by Scared-for-her-life-girl or Not-my-best-idea-woman.” 

“Maddison this is serious!” Mom gasped again. 

“I know Momma, and I will handle it seriously. Right now though, I could use a joke or two.” I told her. 

   It’s not like I could correct her even if I felt like I needed to, which I didn’t. Our southern manors wouldn’t allow that kind of disrespect to our parents especially in public, unless you were a truly rebellious child. I was not a rebellious child, teen, or adult. So, there was not going to be any disrespect from me. 

   Mom just nodded at me. I guess that was all she needed to confirm that I’d treat the situation with the gravity it deserved. 

   I wonder if those release forms for surgery are as bad as Dr. Chu is saying. I wonder if I can trust mom enough to read them for me? I trust Dr. Chu enough to have surgery without double checking things, so I guess I’ll just go with my trust of him instead. 

“Momma can deal with the paperwork. I have to focus on getting better. I have too much to do to be out of commission.” I told the room and no one in particular. 

   The doctor patted my leg once more and wished me well. Mom and Dr. Chu spent a few moments outside the door again. I could only assume it was to alleviate some of mom’s concerns since she was getting some mental traction on the situation. Fierce momma was on the way. I was about to be smothered. It was like Japan bombing Pearl Harbor, the fire had woken a sleeping giant. 

   Merry came over to me and kissed me on the cheek. She stroked my face a bit while I breathed through some pain spasms. It was a really great moment. Her support meant the world to me. A few short minutes later, Mom and some EMTs walked through my door with a stretcher. 

“Guys, M is wearing some … uh … protective undergarments that need to be updated. Can you give us a second?” Merry asked. 

“Gracious, all that talk of surgery and my baby’s behind slipped my mind.” Mom commented shewing them out of my room. 

   Mom took the leg brace the rest of the way off. Merry and mom helped me on to my stomach again. Mom ripped the other side of the pull-up and pulled it off like a diaper. I could feel the warmth and the squishiness of a garment pushed to full capacity. Sadly, I’d wet a lot. 

   We struggled our way through the rest of the change wiggling the new pull-up up my legs. Merry hadn’t brought any wipes in because she’d never really messed with diaper changes. She’d never had to work. Mom wet a paper towel and handed it over. I tried the clean myself a bit up front while I had uninterrupted access, and mom did my shapely butt. They pulled up the diaper and my shorts calling for the EMTs to enter. 

   The ride to the hospital was a horrible bit of torture, but they did right by me in the hospital room. It took a while to get admitted and move from Emergency to inpatient. It wasn’t looking likely that I’d see the inside of an MRI machine my first day, so they laid me flat of my back and stuck like six pillows under my legs. I looked like I was sitting on a pillow chair, just on my back. 

   It was the first time I’d felt any relief since the bad pain had started. Merry hadn’t left my side, and to my surprise, my mom was the first one to set the nurses straight when they tried to restrict Merry from my room. She may check out at home when there’s peace and quiet, but by golly she was making sure I had my bestie with me for this mess. Go Momzilla! 

“Momma, I need to get up again.” I sighed. 

   Neither Merry nor my mom said anything. They just made eye contact and got up to help me move to the bathroom. I’d gone through several more pull-ups by then, but since I was in a room finally and until someone forced it on me, I was going to do my damnedest to make it to the bathroom like the adult I was. I’m sure mom and Merry were tired of taking the leg brace on and off, but they helped me to the bathroom without complaint. 

“There we are baby.” Mom said easing my pull-up down so I wouldn’t have to bend down at the waist.           

   Then they helped me sit down on the toilet. I was stuck in there for a smellier visit this time so I shooed my nervous helpers out of the bathroom. Did you know every muscle and tendon in your body is tied off at the base of your spine? I swear to all that’s holy, I couldn’t blink without feeling a pain back there. 

   I had grossly underestimated the pain involved in the rotation and articulation that is required to clean myself up after a number two. Not to mention, the flexing involved in a number two to start with. Eventually, I finished the best that I could. It took an agonizing five minutes of cold sweat and bitten lip pain to clean myself up poorly. The exertion and the pain pills they’d given me were mixing well together. I was nap bound regardless of location or condition at that point. My number two had spent all the energy reserves I had and I was fading fast. I yawned hard and made a decision. 

“Momma, I’m about to pass out again.” I squeaked out. 

   My girls made it in there in no time. Fortunately, I was mostly back under the influence of strong painkillers and sleepiness when they finished up my bathroom job and got me back to bed. I don’t recall much of the end of that bathroom visit and thank God for that! 

   My nurse on call, Betty, was in the room when we emerged. She tutted at us through her teeth when she figured out I’d been to the bathroom. 

“I didn’t think she knew when that needed to happen? She’s not clear to be out of bed.” She remarked reviewing my chart. 

   Betty and Mom must have had a long talk, because when I woke up later things had changed. Literally! I came too in the same position I remember passing out in, flat of my back with my legs propped up at a ninety degree angle. My legs had drifted apart some during my nap, so I was sitting guy style on my back with my legs a little spread-eagled. 

   I didn’t think anything of it until I told mom that I was hot not realizing she wasn’t in the room. Merry slid the sheet off me to the foot of the bed. I caught the first glimpse of my new socks. They were cute purple fuzzy toe socks that came up just under my knee with pink claws stitched on them. 

“I’ve been to Wal-Mart.” Merry crowed triumphantly. 

“These are the cutest socks I’ve ever seen.” I told her wiggling my independent digits, digits that not only responded, but that I could feel. It may have been the weird position I was in, but it was helping. 

“Hey M, close and lock my door and where is momma?” I asked. 

“Your mom stepped out to get us something to eat. You get the hospital meal, but she thought you’d appreciate a wrap from sonic more since you have to eat on your back.” She giggled while closing the door. 

   Once I heard the door shut, I slide my hospital gown up under my boobs. I had decided the pain medication I’m on made me have hot flashes, especially from the waist down. I really needed to cool down, or I felt like I’d get sick. As I moved the gown I heard the sound of fabric sliding across plastic. Something like a sleeping bag getting pulled across a tent floor. Everyone knows that sound. 

   I was a little more comfortable temperature wise. I attempted to raise the tilt of my upper body a bit. I wasn’t looking for much, but I wanted to be able to see the door over my boobs. They weren’t huge or anything, but they were enough I couldn’t see anything while at that flat of my back angle. 

   I had learned to move my body as little as possible and let the equipment do it for me, so when the bed started to increase my incline, I could hear plastic crinkling everywhere. I achieved my goal, and finally gained a small line of sight over my chest and the air left my lungs. 

“Shit M! I thought they’d put a plastic sheet under me or something. Why am I in a real diaper?” I jokingly pleaded with my best friend for clarity. 

“Damn, I was hoping your mom would get back before you woke up M.” Merry confessed. 

“There is too much. Let me sum up.” She misquoted The Princess Bride. 

“You were already wearing a diaper and your mom wasn’t a fan of the release forms for the catheter, at least until we know how long you’ll be here.  So since you feel like you have to pee all the time anyway, and you were already wearing protection, your mom and the nurse decided this was the easiest on you. You don’t even have to take off the leg thing this way, and there is also a bed protector under you too!”  She practically begged me with her eyes not to rip her head off. 

I still feel like I need to go pee. I feel sort of like I’m peeing right now, but I don’t feel any pee on me. Well, at least that hasn’t changed. I guess I’m just lying in my toilet instead of sitting on it. Why does the suck keep getting worse? God what did I do? 

   I don’t know if it was the pain or the pain killers or the emotional trauma of being in the hospital facing potential surgery or that we were living in a hotel suite because our house burnt down, but I just didn’t have the energy to get mad. I found myself in a numb acceptance. 

What-the-fuck-ever! I just want to go back to sleep and forget all this shit.  

“Don’t worry I won’t slay the messenger.” I told her sighing heavily and patting her leg. “M, this is bound to be easier than getting up all the time or camping in the bathroom, but I’m about as happy with this situation as I am thinking about spinal surgery.” I admitted. 

“I’m going to study for my final since I have to take it in class tomorrow early. Why couldn’t you have been hospitalized tomorrow instead of today? Mom says I can spend the night here, but I have to go ace that exam tomorrow.” Merry began rambling. Somethings are like the tide. Reliable. One of them is my Merry.  

   Teenage words flowed and my mind drifted. 

   If there is anything I can count on right now, it’s Merry’s mouth. My girl loved to talk, still does for that matter. She rambled on for a good thirty minutes before mom made it back to our room. 

It’s really going to suck to have to be separated while I’m at state. I thought sadly realizing how found of her I’d grown I couldn’t believe how much I depended on her.

“Hey Dee, it’s going to be ok. They’ll get you fixed up and you’ll be running again in no time!” Merry attempted to cheer me up.           

“Who’s Dee?” I ask. 

“Your mom and the nurses said it was confusing to hear us calling each other M. Made sense to me cause I think of myself as Merry internally, but whatever.” She shrugged “So I thought about it a bit and shrunk Maddie to the end of your name. So Dee. Should work fine.” 

“It’ll take some getting used to, but sure.” I attempted to shrug. 

   I was tempted to run my hands over my diaper, or to squeeze my legs together to feel what I was wearing better. I had an urge to just play with it. I blamed the meds. I didn’t have a good sense of the diaper since I was out when it happened, but I knew flexing anything would end up in sharp knives digging into something somewhere so I backed off. 

   I took a minute to review how I felt. My back still hurt, but it was more of a persistent dull throb than the blinding sharpness I was dealing with earlier. My right knee pit ached painfully again, and strangely I had random numb feeling spots on my right hip. 

“Hey M, is my right pinkie toe moving?” I asked her. 

“Doing a funny little dance Dee. Why?” She replied in a sing song voice. 

“I can’t feel it. Touch it.” I told her. 

“Nothing, I might feel the pressure. Squeeze it.” I was panicking a little “Ok squeeze em all.” I strained to feel her contact. 

“Phew, it’s still there. I can feel that sort of. It’s like my foot is asleep but only the way right side and the pinkie toe. Monkey Balls, that feels weird. Am I still moving it?” I begged her. 

“Yeah Dee, it’s still moving. Sorry if I’m over using the new nickname. I’m going to have to wear it out for a while to burn it in my mind over the M that’s next to your mental contact info.” She told me taping her head. I chuckled at the mental Contact App idea. 

Better bite the bullet and ask about my diaper. 

“Balls. M, will you look and see how my… er the diaper is holding up. I have felt like I was peeing since I woke back up. If I have been, it’s probably leaking.” I stuttered and sighed. 

Fucking WHY!!!!! I mentally bellowed. 

“Ok. Good news is I can see it. Bad news is you’re pretty wet. I guess this means you’re going without permission now huh? At least you’re getting the number two memos still right?” Merry lit up the bright side, and a damn fine bright side it was! I smiled at her 

   Mom wandered in sometime right after I asked Merry about my diaper. In my mental dialogue, I had already started calling it my diaper. 

Ownership is my first step to acceptance. I have no idea when I’m peeing or not. I’m going to have to ignore the signals from my vag. It clearly doesn’t know what it’s doing anymore. I just wonder why my bladder seems to have checked itself out of the equation all together. 

   Mom came over to the bed and put her bags of Sonic down. She put the drinks on my table and, without any warning or ceremony, reached over and rubbed my diapered crotch. I made my best “is that really necessary face”. 

OK, that’s new! I thought with my eyes going wide like silver dollars. Bah, another reason for mom to treat me like a kid. This mess just keeps getting better and better! 

“Merry dear? Press the nurse call button please my baby needs a change.” Mom said smiling at me. 

Oh Dear Merciful Lord! Shoot me now. I sighed. 

   She busied herself on my table setting out the Sonic food and drinks for the three of us. A new nurse about my mom’s age came into my room. Her tag read Peggy. She had a great smile. I liked her right away. 

“I see our patient is awake. Smells like you were hungry Maddison.” Page said looking over my chart and taking in the room. 

“Maddie, if you please.” I told the smiley new adult in my life. 

“Maddie it is!” She beamed at me. I found myself grinning in this unlikely situation, and tugged my gown back down to cover the diaper. “Alright ladies, nurse time.” 

   Peggy made direct eye contact with me and smiled. “Dr. Hadi is admitting Maddie until she can get her MRI and get it reviewed. He and Dr. Chu are worried about messing things up worse if you’re out running around willy nilly. So, we are a little afraid to send her home yet. Will you two run home and grab her some clothes and overnight things?” She asked mom and Merry. 

“Nurse Peggy, Dee is in here cause their house burnt down Monday night. Wonder Woman over there tried flying out of a third story window, but forgot her invisible jet. Instead, she dropped about twenty feet and crashed through a hedge on the way to an ungraceful ass-first landing.” Merry smiled through her ad libbed exposition of our situation. 

   The beautiful relaxing smile left her face and tears puddled in the corners of her eyes. Peggy gently bent down and gave me the most delicate love filled hug a total stranger had ever given me. If compassion was a superpower Peggy would be a world class superhero. 

“Alright.” She said gathering herself. Go grab her some overnight stuff from wherever you’re staying. “Did you lose all your clothes honey?” Peggy asked me. 

“Yes ma’am.” I sniffled instantly loving this woman. 

“Mandy? Why don’t you and Merry take this and get Maddie a new night gown or a couple big tee-shirts?” Peggy told my mom handing her a twenty and a few ones. It was literally all the cash she had on her. 

“We can’t take this Peggy. The insurance company will work it all out. We’ll be ok.” Mom hedged almost in tears at this nurse’s generosity. 

“I have a few bucks on me too Mrs. P. Let’s run out for a bit and get Maddie something cool. She needs something to go with those socks!” Merry told me winking at me.

    I knew both Peggy and Merry were trying to get me some privacy to have my squishy situation addressed with some clinical dignity, but mom was a hard sale. I wanted her to get out of the hospital for a few minutes too, even though she just got back. I needed to put some distance between us before her motherliness turned green and she ripped through a nurse trying to change me!  

   Reluctantly, mom left with Merry dragging her out the door a few minutes later. 

   Moments after they left, I was in a fresh clean hospital diaper after Peggy breezed through the process with professional aplomb. The thing was a sickly green “hospital” color. She smiled and hummed to herself the entire time. Mercifully, she hummed something by the Backstreet Boys and not a nursery tune. God bless that woman! 

“Well, you’re handling this better than most would, and at your age to boot. You must be a very mature young lady.” Peggy beamed at me. 

“I feel like a “young” lady alright, but what am I to do? Getting up hurts, taking off this thing hurts, and you did that so fast I didn’t have time to dread it.” I answered. 

“I like to sneak up on people with needles too. The mind is a wonderful thing. If you can anticipate it and interrupt it before it has a chance to get going, you can save people a lot of emotional pain or anxiety.” Peggy told me sagely. 

“You have worked with kids haven’t you?” I asked her. 

   Peggy went over to the Sonic spread and she handed me the smaller drink getting a bendy straw from some magic pocket in her scrubs. She grabs my chicken wrap and sets everything else back in the bag. 

“Here’s your early supper dear. I’ll put their stuff in our fridge for when they get back. Having loved ones close is nice, but you didn’t look like the emotional wreck type. I guessed you could use a few minutes alone. I have other nurse duties and that should give you some time to breath.” She winked walking out of my room. 

   Peggy is what I envisioned myself like at mom’s age. Mom was the emotional one. She was a breath from hysterical tears that required physical comforting when the nurse sent her away. I would be the calm one using years of gathered experience to guide those around me. I could feel my future in Peggy, and really I could have done worse for a role model. I secretly hoped I’d get more opportunities to get to know her, even if I were only there for a short time. 

   I had figured out the TV and eaten my wrap by the time mom and Merry got back. Bear Grylls had some celebrity out in the wilderness encouraging them while the rest of the world laughed. I loved that show. As Mom and Merry came in my room, I hit guide on the remote to check the time. They’d been gone almost an hour and a half. Peggy had been back by to check on me and changed me just a little bit ago. 

   I was blessedly fresh when Merry smiled at me sitting carefully in the bed with me. She had a few bags with her that she sat past my mound of pillows out of my sight. Mom had a couple bags too. She sat hers down and looked around the room before she leaned in and kissed my forehead. 

“Maddie baby, how are you feeling?” Mom asked. 

   I thought about it a moment before telling her. Mostly, I was “foggy” from the pain medicine coursing through me. I was cramped and tired of sit/laying in bed. I was friggin board and had no real outlet for the dozens of things I needed to be doing. Ultimately, I was tired, in pain, drowsy, and bored out of my mind. So I went with that. 

“I’m bored out of my mind, tired, drowsy, and still in pain.” I admitted. 

“You’re dry though, so that’s nice. I won’t let you get that bad again, like I did with that pull-up at the Dr.’s office.” Mom said. 

I think I may have detected some disappointment that I was dry.?!? 

“Peggy has been in a couple times. She just left like ten minutes before you got here. Uh… your drinks and stuff are at the nurse’s station. She stuck them in their fridge.” I reported. 

“OK Dee, that was super nice of her. I’ll go get our food Mrs. P.” Merry volunteered. 

   Just like that, my hour of calm was blown up. I was alone with my mom in a hospital with messed up limbs facing surgery and sitting around in a partially exposed diaper. This was mom’s moment to drop some epic momma drama on me. I took in a silent breath bracing for the emotional storm that I was guessed was impending. 

“You know, I think Merry loves you.” She said throwing me a conversational atomic bomb from way out in the left-ist of fields. 

“Of course she does. I’ve known her for more than ten years! I love her too.” I hedged. I wasn’t sure what mom was getting at. 

“That’s not what I mean baby.” She told me kissing my forehead as Merry walked back in lighting up the room with her brightness. 

You know she’s terrific. You’d have a hard time doing better than her dear.” Mom laid the wisdom down quietly. 

Oh FUCK! Mom meant loved me in a romantic way not platonic! My mouth hung open. 

   I didn’t think I was gay. I knew I had liked guys, but I’d never really thought about thinking about girls that way. I was just super busy and had trouble keeping boyfriends because of it, or at least that’s what I had told myself. 

   My relationships failed because I didn’t put out, and didn’t have much free time. Still, I resolved right then that, should Merry ever ask me out or tell me she had feelings for me, I wouldn’t dismiss it. I’d give her serious thought and maybe even try it before I decided I didn’t want any part of it. 

What a strange conversation. What the hell did the two of them talk about while they were gone? Where is my momma drama? I wondered.

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33 minutes ago, diapersnpaws said:

The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 6 - I have no idea when I’m peeing or not.

 

“You know, I think Merry loves you.” She said throwing me a conversational atomic bomb from way out in the left-ist of fields. 

“Of course she does. I’ve known her for more than ten years! I love her too.” I hedged. I wasn’t sure what mom was getting at. 

“That’s not what I mean baby.” She told me kissing my forehead as Merry walked back in lighting up the room with her brightness. 

You know she’s terrific. You’d have a hard time doing better than her dear.” Mom laid the wisdom down quietly. 

Oh FUCK! Mom meant loved me in a romantic way not platonic! My mouth hung open. 

   I didn’t think I was gay. I knew I had liked guys, but I’d never really thought about thinking about girls that way. I was just super busy and had trouble keeping boyfriends because of it, or at least that’s what I had told myself. 

   My relationships failed because I didn’t put out, and didn’t have much free time. Still, I resolved right then that, should Merry ever ask me out or tell me she had feelings for me, I wouldn’t dismiss it. I’d give her serious thought and maybe even try it before I decided I didn’t want any part of it. 

What a strange conversation. What the hell did the two of them talk about while they were gone? Where is my momma drama? I wondered.

i wish i had maddison's mom

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  • 8 months later...

The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 7 - Was Mom actively trying to set me up with my best friend?

 

- Late Wednesday -

 

“First, something from Peggy.” Mom told me fishing something out of the bags at her feet. 

   She held up a tee-shirt nightgown. It was a three quarter shirt sleeve with a pink collar and pink sleeves. My favorite childhood cartoon character was flying around in all her revisited Power Puff glory. Blossom was flying over Townsville on the front of my new nightly. Sure it was a little childish, but it was in an adult size so that had to make it ok right? Right? 

“Oh momma I love it! Can I put it on?” I told her earnestly. I also loved that Peggy was getting credit for it. I was really growing to care for her and it was terrific to have a token from meeting her. 

“At least you’re still pretty clean from that two hour shower you took this morning.” Mom teased. 

   She slowly inclined my bed until the pain intensified. I stopped her and we slipped my hospital gown over my head delicately replacing it with the sponsored gift from my new favorite nurse. I was in purple clawed toe socks a sickly green diaper and a pink and white Blossom nightgown. I looked eclectically goofy, but strangely the look was kind of growing on me. 

I look ludicrous. I actually laughed out loud. 

“M, I look so weird.” I shook my head laughing for the first time in hours. 

“Well, it does take a special girl to pull it off, but I’d say you look great baby.” Mom cooed. 

“Okay, more goodies.” Merry beamed. 

   She held up a matching Buttercup green nightshirt and a blue Bubbles one too. I couldn’t hold back my smile. Childish sleepwear was mom’s territory, but I had to admit to myself. I really liked what she picked out. I was wearing an F’n diaper for craps sake! I could enjoy me some adult sized little girl sleepwear! 

   Next, she pulled out a Tigers branded duffel bag she’d picked out from the high school stuff at Wal-Mart. It was nice to have a place to stow my things again. It was super nice to have a new duffel with my High School mascot on it. 

   Mom moved another two bags up onto the bed from the items she had at her feet. She had my favorite powder smelling deodorant, my favorite perfume, and my favorite lip gloss. I was addicted to Burt’s Bees strawberry. She dug out a bag of Starburst Jelly Beans from the bag too. They were and are my absolute favorite candies. Mom had all the brownie points in the world right then. 

   I made give me hands for the lip gloss and the jellybeans. She handed them over with a smile after opening the candy for me. 

   The other bag held a package of six hero themed boy short panties, my favorites. I sighed realizing it would be a while before I got to wear those again. Mom sensed my melancholy and pulled out six pairs of sort of matching superhero toe socks. Those I could enjoy for sure. I loved toe socks. She continued to pull out some things that would improve sense of normalcy. More things that we hadn’t replaced since the fire. Hair ties, some hair pins, and a few vials of nail polish. 

“Momma, I really want to take a shower and feel clean. My hair is a wreck and I’ve been laying here sweating in pain all day. Will you see if they’ll let me shower?” I asked. 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea dear, but if you want I’ll ask. But first, Merry and I picked out a few things to help you while you’re here. I know you hope it won’t be long, but I hope they do the MRI tomorrow and get you healthy as soon as possible.” Mom told me with tears in her eyes. 

   I reached out and patted her arm. Mom slowly lay down beside me on the bed cuddling up to absorb some comfort from me. I’m sure she meant to give some, but I was more uplifted by comforting her than her trying to comfort me. It felt good to get some of my normal role back. Merry came back in with their Sonic stuff a few minutes later. 

“Mrs. P, your food’s cold, but so is your drink!” Merry chimed … well, merrily. It’s hard to get her spirits down. She’s indomitable. 

   Mom sat up and they moved to the two chairs in the room taking my table to share their meal. We all chatted amiably as possible with them being sad and nervous, but trying to look optimistic, and me drugged up on painkillers. I wasn’t totally clear headed. I’d never been seriously injured before. Plus, I’d never had serious pain killers before. 

“Alright Dee! Man. I still have to concentrate to get that out M.” Molly rattles on. “Your mom and I had a long talk while we were out. We have decided you’ll get all lazy and shit if you don’t have stuff to do.” 

“Merry Selvage!” Mom interjected harshly, she was always doing that. 

“Pfft… Sorry Mrs. P! Anyway, we don’t want you to get behind in your school work, and I know you’ll want to get back on all that work you’re doing for college. Although, I don’t know why. You still haven’t decided what you want to do. You are way over qualified for the local community one, but you’d be with me a few more years if you did your general eds there. In fact, …” 

   She went on for another ten minutes or so about the virtues of her plan to keep us close. I couldn’t help reflecting on what mom had said earlier about Merry being “good for me” while she rattled on. Mom had essentially said a version of “you could do worse”. 

Was mom actively trying to set me up with my best friend? Yet another in a long line of strange thoughts for a girl stuck in a hospital bed in a diaper. 

Speaking of my diaper. Huh? My Diaper…? That felt strongly possessive like “my dog” or something. Curiouser and Curiouser… I thought. In the end I just decided to roll with it being all hopped up on pain meds was making me mellow. 

   While Merry was going on about community college and my mind was wandering over my strange attire, my hand crept down to my diaper. I couldn’t reach all the way to my crotch from this angle, and I didn’t want to roll to get my hand under myself. So I just left my hand where it was. 

   For all the strangeness in my hospital setting, I was surprisingly comfortable. Which sparked another random train of thought about why it should feel that way to me. Then I thought about the surgery and how calm Dr. Chu was. I wanted rid of the pain, but I really didn’t want to try and recover from spine surgery in a hotel room. 

Wonder if there are any short term lease options close to our property. Then we’d be near when the building restarts. We could get some furniture and start rebuilding our lives while they rebuild the house. I added it to my mental to do list. 

“I really wish I had my phone. I keep thinking of stuff we need to do, or that I need to look into and I have no way to remember it all. I just keep circling back around the same thoughts. I need to make some lists. Hey Mom, is there any paper and stuff around?” I blurted out during Merry’s desperate attempt to say my college plans. 

Mom had tuned Merry out too. In fact, I’m pretty sure Merry was running on autopilot, because she startled at my sudden outburst. Mom turned to look around the room following my request at face value, but Merry just smiled and squealed. 

“I was so busy getting food and talking to Peggy and then eating that I forgot to show you the rest of the Wal-Mart stuff.” Merry said jumping up from the chair and bounding to my bed. 

   I tried unsuccessfully to hold back the grunt of pain when Merry pounced on the bed, but I couldn’t quite keep it in. 

I swear to all that’s Holy. That girl is the poster child for functional ADD kids. Jesus. I chastised her internally. 

“OMG! I’m so sorry Dee.” She said leaning forward and kissing me quickly on the lips and then hugging tightly to my side. 

   I was startled at the kiss and the pain, and I grunted into her face. I had expected the kiss, but I expected it on my cheek not my lips. My hand hadn’t left the cover of my diaper either. 

   Apparently, I found it comforting to play with the smooth texture of the plastic backing, and Mom and Merry were kind enough to not mention it. After that kiss I was wishing I could reach lower. My arm was trapped between Merry and I, and I was all of the sudden blushingly aware of her breasts against my arm. 

Oh My God! I’m fucking blushing! I realized leaving myself totally stunned. 

“It’s ok M. It’s over now, but watch it. That hurt!” I scolded the top of her head. 

Dee, what are you doing down there?” Merry whispered to me conspiratorially. 

Perv, I’m not doing anything. My diaper is smooth and I was just fiddling with it.” I defended myself whispering back. 

Hehe. I can feel your arm moving around. I kinda like it. It was funner when I thought you were messing around.” She goaded me. 

   Her flirty comments replay the light kiss she’d given me moments before. I don’t know why I kept rubbing the diaper, but I did. I don’t know why I kept thinking of that brief peck on my lips, but I did. I rested my chin on Merry’s head and we just lay close for a few minutes until Peggy came in to check on me. 

“Alright ladies, nursing time. Hall please.” She told my mom and Merry. 

“Hey Maddie, how are you doing? Looks like you got some more water in ya. Between that and the soda you may be filling up.” Peggy’s smile was so comforting, but I didn’t want them to leave this time. 

“It’s ok Mrs. Peggy. They can stay.” I told her. 

“Do your old prudish nurse a favor and at least let me pull the curtain so I can change you ok?” She pleaded. 

“Sure.” I told her as Merry eased off the bed. 

   Peggy turned and shooed my other girls out of the immediate area and back to their chairs. She pulled the curtain smiling at me. It was almost four in the evening, and it was about time for another dose of meds. She placed the little cup of pinkie finger sized pills on my bedside table and turned to grab my changing supplies they’d stowed in their nurse’s cart. 

“Hey, look who got some new toys.” Peggy beamed at me holding up Merry’s bags that were at the foot of my bed. 

“Well, Shit. Sorry Dee that’s what I was about to give you before I hurt you there.” Merry lamented from the other side of the curtain. 

“oomph, I mean sorry Dee. I’ll just tell you about them right now, and you can have them when General Peggy leaves.” We all shared a laugh with Merry as mom elbowed her for her mouth. 

“I’ve been called much worse by nicer people than you dear.” Peggy said not missing a beat. 

“Go ahead honey. Tell Maddison what we got her.” Mom prodded. I could hear the energy in her voice. She was excited. 

“Well, I know you’ll want to buy your own computer, but Mrs. P lost hers too. I don’t know as much about that stuff as you do, but I do know how to ask the sales guy the right questions. So, we bought your mom a computer that’ll do everything she wants. One that you can use it to order yourself one.” She explained like she was reading a brochure. 

“You did!” I squealed. 

“Steady dear, I’d like to finish this dry myself.” Peggy giggled. 

“Sorry.” I hung my head chastised. 

“Yep, that’s not all though.” Merry hinted. 

“Hold up on the good news girls. I’m trying to clean her up over here and all this excitement is making it difficult.” Peggy hedged. 

Was I just freaking leaking all the time? What the hell! I stressed. 

“Yes, ma’am.” Mom and Merry both chimed in unison like well-trained monkeys. 

   Peggy finished up with the change and put the diaper in the bio-hazard bin. Then she smiled at me and restacked my pillows. She picked up my bags and turned her back to me. She rifled through the bags where I couldn’t see making affirmative noises all the while. She placed them back out of sight behind my pillows before opening the curtain. 

“I meant to ask if you need to use the bathroom while I was in here, but I forgot. Do you need to?” She asked the room. 

“That’s an odd thing to ask someone who’s wearing her… well, what I’m wearing.” I commented slightly confused. 

“I meant for a stool dear. Do you need the bathroom for a bowel movement?” Peggy clarified. 

Uh… Oh, I don’t think so.” I whispered a reply. 

“You still know when that’s coming right? Well, just buzz me and I’ll be happy to help you with the bedpan dear.” Peggy smiled at me. 

   She handed me the tiny paper cup of pills and my hospital mug of water. I guzzled a few more ounces and took the big non-gel coated pills. I popped my lips indicating I was all done. Peggy resettled items back in her cart and made for the door. 

“Peggy, Maddison asked if she could take a shower earlier. Can we help her in there to get cleaned up?” Mom asked for me. 

Good. I forgot to ask. Yay momma! I cheered internally. 

“Dr. Hadi is supposed to be bye here on rounds about six. Let’s wait till then ok? He may not want her on her feet. It’s just a little while it’ll be ok.” Peggy said patting my feet. 

“Ms. Selvage, you may chitter on about all the electronics in that bag now.” She said on her way out. 

I love that woman. I thought. 

“Yeah, so, we also got you a new phone. You were still using that Galaxy S4, but when the service guy heard about everything he called his corporate office and they made some exceptions and he got you a newer S6 for no money since the S7 is out!” She told me with utter joy on her face. 

“I wanted to get the S6 for you baby, and they worked with me on it like they did on the S4. After the computer, I was a little tapped out. Now the first thing I want you to do is order your dream computer on my credit card, and don’t worry about the cost. That’ll be a bit of early Christmas and some graduation in there too. Do it fast though, I want it here as soon as possible.” Mom told me patting my arm giving me her mock serious face. 

“Yes ma’am.” I saluted her. 

   Merry handed me the box with my phone. I opened it and smelled the beautiful new device smell. I only just got it booted up when Merry took the phone and handed me the pc box. There was a Best Buy close to our Wal-Mart and the Lenovo box indicated they’d made a second stop after all. 

“Beggars and choosers here huh M?” I teased while she flew through the screens on my phone. 

“You know it. Get that PC up and running! Phones are my thing.” Merry teased sticking her tongue out. 

Why is that all the sudden hella sexy? It should have been playful not sexy? OMG! Her tongue is so cute. I thought. 

   Mom moved her chair closer to the head of the bed so she could help me open the box and watch the screens while I set it up. 

“Hey Mrs. P, will you check with the nurses and see if there’s wifi she can use here?” Merry asked. 

“Yes ma’am I will.” Mom replied leaving the room. 

   I was working through the loading screens for Windows 7 while my ringtones flitted through the air. A particularly loud one startled me while I was zoned in on mom’s computer. I suddenly jerked and inhaled. Then for the first time in a while I knew I was wetting myself. 

Sonic must be going right through me! This poor diaper didn’t last very long. Was my first thought. God that feels weird. All the sudden it’s warm down there. I can feel it running down my ass crack. Was the second. 

   I reached down to touch my diaper underneath my still loading laptop. I flexed my abs trying to sit up a little bit. I just wanted to feel what had happened in my diaper. I could just barely reach the top of my kitty, but in this sitting position all the wetness was south of there. I must have grunted a bit trying to reach down without hurting myself because Merry noticed. 

“Dee, whatcha doin there little lady? Find something interesting on the computer?” She teased in a sing song childish voice. 

“I’m not friggin myself here. I think I just wet quite a bit. I was just trying to see how bad it was.” I said defiantly. 

Then the conversation caught up with me and I grew self-conscious, “Look, I’m… can you… uh… check me?” 

“Hell ya! I’ve been dying to play with that yucky green crinkly thing since they wrapped it around your sexy hips!” Merry beamed. 

   She reached down my right side with her left hand slowly running her arm underneath my hand. I felt her forearm as her cupped my plastic covered kitty. She pressed a firm hand against me that rushed arousal to the area and flushed my cheeks. Her forearm flexed and she lifted her hand from my diaper and poked at it with the pad of her finger hitting me close to my entrance. Electricity jolted through me. 

“You, my love, are pretty squishy down here.” She giggled but didn’t stop playing with my diaper and me. 

   Merry worked feverishly to set my phone up with her left hand. Her right just stayed where it had been while I got back to work on the laptop. She continued working on my phone, but her hand occasionally moved from my diaper to do things she needed to do with both hands. She even knew the Tetris shape I’d want to use as the screen lock. She saved me a lot of work when she was done. 

   In my drug induced buzz, I was happy to let her setup my phone and rest her hand anywhere she thought was comfortable. If I wasn’t in blinding pain when I flexed my hips, I’m certain I’d have been rocking slowly against her hand. 

Maybe I like girls too?’ I pondered before passing out with one of the Windows 7 launch screens waiting for my response. The pain meds had won the battle sending me into a deep sleep.

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 8 – I’ve seen what you’re packing like a gazillion times!

   I stayed senseless when mom came back in. I stayed senseless while Peggy cleaned me up again. I missed most of the next couple of hours in that drug induced sleep. Just before seven pm Dr. Hadi made it to my room on his rounds. He wasn’t what I expected at all.

“Hey y'all.” Dr. Hadi announced entering my room sticking his hand out to my mother.

   With a name and complexion like Dr. Hadi had, you’d expect him to sound something like the Simpon’s Apu from the Kwik-E Mart. Except Dr. Hadi liked to break stereotypes.

   First, he was taller than I was expecting at almost six foot. He was broader and more… “Corn-Fed” than I had assumed he’d be. His accent really threw me off. He must have gotten mom and Merry too. We all just sat there quietly waiting having trouble meshing what we were seeing and hearing with what we had expected.

“HaHa. I love meeting new people, maybe not under these circumstances, but we have to take the good with the bad, ya know?” He charmed us with his strong southern accent sticking out his hand to my mom again. She took it this time and smiled a genuine smile at him.

   I tried not to let that bother me. Dad’s been gone a long time, and I’m a minor so he wouldn’t address me first naturally. I knew I wasn’t eighteen yet, but it still chapped.

‘I’m not a control freak, I’m not a control freak, I’m not a control freak.’ I chanted internally.

“Delighted.” Merry offered her hand and giggled at my doctor.

‘I’m not a control freak, I’m not a control freak, I’m not a control freak.’ I chanted internally.

What the straight up fuck girl?!’ I seethed. If this doctor wasn’t so nice, I might not have kept my smile on my face and my scathing words tucked behind my lips. As it was, I barely managed.

“I’m Mandy Page, this is my daughter Maddison and her bessstttt friend Merry.” Mom introduced us while gingerly shaking his hand over her hand bandages. I’m not sure if it was my imagination, but she seemed to really enunciate “best” there.

   Merry returned to my side, where she belonged, lying back against the gentle incline. The head of my hospital bed beside was inclined just enough for me to see over my chest. I noticed, however, that she inconspicuously tugged my Power Puff Girls night gown back over my diaper the best she could instead of continuing her subtle petting.

Bummer, and bless you, you sneaky bitch!’ I telepathically shot at her grinning with a loaded smile before returning my attention to my new specialist. Of course, Merry should probably have stopped that already, but definitely while we had company.

“Yall have pretty good insurance, and since this injury is related to the fire I’m sure the home owners insurance will help too. Long story short I’d like to keep Maddison for a few more days.” He told mom as I interrupted him.

“Maddie if you please.” I asked redirecting his attention to me. It was time to piss on some walls and establish my alpha status.

Fast on the pickup, he wisely addressed me moving forward. “So Maddie, I have you scheduled for the MRI at 3:00 PM tomorrow. You’re a non-emergency case, at this time, so it may get bumped. They should get it done sometime tomorrow though. I couldn’t get you in any faster. You’ll be in the MRI for about forty-five minutes to an hour while they image your lumbar spine for me. This will give me a baseline to track in the future, and I can look for recent damage.” He listed aloud.

   While he was talking, he perched on the rolling stool and wheeled over beside me looking me in the eyes. Merry got out of his way softly leaving me in the bed alone and suddenly cold on one side. He started my exam by dropping my right leg off the mound of pillows adjusting the splint to the straight setting from the bent one.

   Then he unstrapped it and repeated a lot of the questions that Dr. Chu had asked me. He even performed the testing with a stainless steel poker. For whatever reason that really helped me build trust with him. The continuity brought some comfort.

“I have quite a bit of homework for your mom Maddie. She’ll need to ask you a bunch of questions, but I don’t trust pill drunk young women to fill out their medical paperwork.” He chuckled trying not to offend my sense of self.

“They have you on the good stuff. Hydrocodone! Good for you. I agree. I’ll leave orders for a muscle relaxer too. That should help with some of the muscle spasms.” He told me marking up my chart.

“So, Dr. Chu called and said he talked to you. It’s the standard run down he gave you. I can’t really tell you much more without the MRI results, but the symptoms you are exhibiting indicate some nerve damage which speaks of some form of SCI. SCI being Spinal Cord Injury. I consider it serious enough that I want to keep you here until I know for sure.” He told us turning back to the room at large.

“So is it too early to tell if the uh… enur…” I stuttered feeling the sudden impact of his concern.

“Enuresis. Urinary Incontinence same thing” Dr. Hadi supplied.

yeah, that. So is it too early to tell if the problem with my back is causing the enuresis?” I asked wrapping my head around the new word.

“Maddie, honestly it’s just too early to tell. I will tell you I’m currently treating it as a symptom of your fall.” He started again, but Merry cut him off.

“She jumped out of a third story window Doc. We can go with fly I think.” She added.

“Ok, you flew from a great height. You took some serious trauma to your back that they we’re hoping you have gotten lucky with. It appears you didn’t get off without some payment after all.

Like I was saying, I’m listing it as a symptom right now, but until your back is healed I can’t really tell you if that’s the source or not. Honestly, we may never really know. All we can do is treat you for one issue at a time until we eliminate them all and pray something resolves it for you.

Dr. Chu has orders for an Urologist to check in with you too, but he doesn’t have rounds. You may have to call his office to see if they set you up an appointment or not. Honestly, the Urologist will defer you to me until the MRI is done anyway. So we are all working toward the same goals and the first step is to check out your lower back.” He told me sincerely patting my leg.

Ah Monkey Balls. I’m back to hoping for the best while Dr. Chu is building a Maddie team. That’s kind of cool. I love that guy.

I was hoping for something more definitive in that regard.” I whispered back to him.

“I understand. You have options with the catheters or the route you are already taking.” He nodded to my underwear choice speaking at full room volume presumably so Mom could hear.

“I’ve spent the last two days in the bathroom only to trickle some small bit of urine randomly here and there. Today it’s been getting worse. In fact, I kind of just wet myself a few moments ago. I feel like I need to go all the time, like I’m about to burst. My muscles hurt like I have been holding a heavy weight for a long time. They quiver. It’s like a short in an electrical system or something. The only reason I know I went was I could feel the warmth exiting me and trickling down my butt.” I all but whispered the last part.

“Well, that’s unfortunate. I’m truly sorry you’re having these problems. There’s a lot of literature out there about the different kinds of bladder control issues and their treatment. Technically that’s the Urologists domain, but since you haven’t been to him yet we are treating this as a symptom of the possible SCI.” He told me patting my bad leg.

“Looks like you have some X-Rays this evening. Let’s figure out your leg and back. Until then, do you want to continue with the absorbency garments or try a catheter?” He asked me.

Mom, in a rare display of dominance, piped up, “I’d prefer her current solution unless there’s a medical need for the catheter.”

“Millions of people all over the world have to answer this question for themselves. It’s a little easier decision when the patient is mobile, but I don’t want Maddie on her feet until we know what’s going on here. As far as the catheter goes, she’ll have to have one during any procedures, but otherwise it’s your discretion at this facility.” He told us.

There went my shower….sigh.’ I sighed aloud.

“Well, for now I’d like to stay with the diapers. Her. I’d like HER to stay with the diapers.” Mom clarified stuttering all over the place at her slip. She dictated this to the doctor like she had sole authority over the decision.

Shit. I guess she does. I wanted to be the one to make the choice though. I ruled me and no one else!’ I thought totally missing mom’s Freudian slip.

“Yes. I’ll stay with the diapers since I can’t get up for the next few days. If there is surgery required, how long will I be in recovery?” I asked trying to feel out the duration of my diapered condition.

   I could almost feel mom shifting into Mommy-Mode like an atmospheric change before a low pressure front blew through. It was more than a little ominous, but I wanted to at least state it out loud. That way it would be my choice to wear them not mom’s.

“Fine by me. Good choice even. Keep clean though! We have some pamphlets at the clinic on using adult absorbency products and a couple on possible surgical procedures, if it turns up you’ll need them. They’ll have expectations with them. I’ll bring some by later tomorrow evening. I’ll warn you though given the late timing of your MRI it may be Friday before I can get to you with the results.” He cautioned.

  We said our goodbyes to the Indian doctor with the powerful build and southern accent. I liked him. I realized that I felt better when the medical professionals shot straight with me. I’d rather have the information and then make a decision. I was less apt to dwell on my situation if I knew I had already addressed it the best I could. I liked the doctors that got straight to the point and treated me like the adult I would soon be.

I don’t like mom making my medical decisions though. It was kind of nice not to have a choice too.’ I made a mental note of the paradoxical relationship between those two core reactions.

That must be the meds talking! I am feeling much mellower than I did when I was stuck in the hotel bathroom. I’ll deal with these feelings later. I need to focus on my health right now, and not worry about my diapers. Still MY diapers. Curiouser and Curiouser.’ I pondered my own random thoughts as they trickled in.

    Abolishing all that anxiety cleared my head more than my medication clouded it. I felt sound in my decision about going with diapers for the time being. Sometimes an informed decision is all it really takes for me to compartmentalize a situation and move on. It was looking like my diapers were falling in that category.

    I was feeling the need to curtail mom’s mothering before it got out of my control. The best way to do that was to send her home, well the hotel, our home was ashes. A ball of anxiety attempted to well up in my stomach for our fresh loss, but I pushed it aside. It was time to start dealing with this stuff. Dr. Hadi’s visit had really driven home the idea that this was all medical, and like most medical things, was treatable.

 ‘God, I hope this is all medically treatable. On the other hand, diapers are better than being burnt alive.’ I conceded to my maker.

 “Momma, I’m going to be up a while playing on this new pc you got. Good choices by the way. The guy at Best Buy did good. You’ll like this for a long time. Anyway, why don’t you head back to the hotel and get some rest. I’ll probably turn into a vampire with my hours all messed up, and be up all night. M will be at school tomorrow so I’ll need some help while I nap the day away.” I offered a well-reasoned argument for her to bail.

 “Baby, I don’t want to leave you alone here.” She sounded tortured, but ready to leave for a bit of fresh air herself.

 “You won’t Mrs. P. My mom already said I could stay over as long as I was ready for Trig tomorrow. There’s not a better tutor than Maddie! Well, maybe Maddie with no pain meds, but we’ll struggle on!” Merry mock marched.

 “You need some rest anyway. It’s been a super long day and I have been napping on and off. My nurses are great. I’m not in any danger except from boredom and pain. Merry will take care of the boredom cause she’ll talk my ears off till she passes out.”  I worked on her.

 “I’ll keep an eye on her Mrs. P. I’ll check her diapers too. I won’t let her sit in them too long. I promise.” She told mom conspiratorially holding up her hands in scouts honor.

 “Text me before I leave. I want to hear from you regularly even if you think I’m asleep. Both of you.” She eyed us.

 “Mrs. P, you should totally hit Wal-Mart up for some of this stuff for you. You’d look awesome with purple monster feet.” Merry told mom jokingly.

    Only mom didn’t seem to take it as a joke. She went instantly introspective. Her face was glassed over thinking on what Merry had said. I thought she was weighing her decision about not sleeping here, but that wasn’t it at all.

    She was standing there as still as a stone laboring with thought, and then she kind of melted from the inside out in excitement. Her face slowly lit up until her teeth were bared in a smile of potential.

 “You know, your right! I ought to have matching… stuff and socks!” Mom nodded and spoke mostly to herself.

 “Baby, do you want me to pick you up something for tomorrow, or will you just stay in the night gowns?” She asked.

 “I really want some larger sized running shorts mom. That’s what I’m used to lounging in. even though I’m… diapered, I feel kind of naked here. The doctor’s probably won’t tell me anything about my leg until after the x-rays anyway. No one else will likely come by tonight.” I told her. Being non-priority kind of sucked, but I’d never take services away from an emergency, so I didn’t complain.

 “I wouldn’t mind a shirt or two, but I’ll probably just wear the nightgown in the room. It’ll be easier for me and the nurses.” I told her again.

 “Oh, I forgot about the X-Rays. I won’t be leaving until you’ve had those, baby. I just wouldn’t be comfortable. Not that you aren’t capable dears.” She patted our arms.

 “Okay.” I told her knowing when to push and when to wait. The matter settled and some Mom-free time later was better than none!

    I would have preferred that she left right then, but I’d take the not staying all night as a golden second place prize! I’m pretty sure we both snore, so I might even sleep better in her absence. Merry doesn’t snore. So, that would be a plus. Ha… Poor Merry.

    It wasn’t long and a nurse came in with a gurney. I was transported, as gingerly as possible, to the X-Ray facilities and they snagged the pictures of my leg and arm they needed. I was returned to my room less than an hour after Dr. Hadi had left.

    It was getting kind of late and most of the family had cleared out of the hospital except those staying the night with a loved one. I suddenly felt bad about keeping the doctor so long realizing it was super nice of him to stay with us as long as he had. I felt even better about having him for my Neurologist for sure.

 Mom kissed me and hugged Merry goodbye. She had made a list waiting in the X-ray family room. She seemed sort of antsy to get out of the hospital once she decided not to worry about me leaving me in Merry’s care. She had a mission and she itched to move on with it. Adult ADD, no doubt in my mind!

 “Ok girls, I’m out of here. You have my number. I expect texts or I’ll be right back up here. I can worry at the hotel or worry all over you here. It’s your choice.” She smiled clearly knowing how to push our buttons too.

 “I got this Mrs. P. Dee always takes care of us. I’m happy to have the chance to take care of her.” Merry beamed with enthusiasm.

 Mom came over to the bed and bent low to hug me whispering her pre-date warning, “You be a good girl. Don’t make me any grandbabies!

 “Mom!” I bellowed turning crimson from head to toe. Well, minus the sickly green hospital adult absorbency product.

    Mom had told me and my dates those same words before I left the house every time I’ve ever been out on a date. Worse things have happened to people I suppose, but it always seemed pretty horrible to me. Merry just pretended not to hear, and paid no attention to my incredulous tone. Mom just kissed my forehead and stood up to embrace Merry again.

    The night nurse came in just as Mom was leaving. I didn’t catch her name, and she was a new face to me. She talked to mom for a few moments at the door before Mom called out to take good care of both of her daughters. The nurse waved at me and took off too.

 ‘Great, now mom has us married off. Ambitious much? Crap, I forgot I needed a change.’ I sighed at her antics distracting me.

 “Hey M. I need to get this diaper changed. I wet it earlier, and may more have since then. I wasn’t paying too close of attention during the X-Rays.” I told her.

    Merry came over to me and lay against me on the bed trapping my right arm between her breasts and my side. I immediately flushed again. She reached over my injured leg and palmed my crotch. It felt wonderful. She squeezed and pulled and poked at it for a moment or two giggling to herself. Then she sat up and looked intently between my legs.

 “Dee your soaking wet! I need to get you changed baby.” She told me with unabashed happiness in her face.

 ‘Baby is Mom’s thing. M never calls me Baby. Must be the diapers. I’ll have to wait a bit to see if I care or not. Right now I just want her to look at me like that again!’ I thought.

    Merry disappeared for a few minutes before she came back with the night nurse. I still didn’t catch her name. She just smiled at me and waved again before heading back to the nurse’s station.

 Where’s she going?’ I wondered.

    Merry’s arms were full of diapering supplies. There were some matts, those pea green diapers, and hospital wipes. Wipes for adults were friggin huge let me tell you! The little plastic package was about the same size, maybe a little longer. But, I bet it only held a third of the number of wipes!

 “So, I went to get the nurse and it turns out they are a little short handed tonight. Your mom volunteered slash drafted me as your night nurse for changes anyway. Apparently, since you aren’t being watched for intake or output yet they don’t have to weigh these things, so I’m eligible.” She smiled.

 “You’re going to change my diaper?” I stuttered.

 “Don’t look so scared Baby. I’ve seen what you’re packing like a gazillion times!” Merry’s chimed bouncing her eyebrows like a teenage boy telling a joke packed with innuendo.

 Is that lust in her eyes? Is she excited to see my kitty or just a kitty in general? Since when did I care? Do I only feel this flustered cause Momma brought it up? I have never even really thought about being with another girl.

 Oh God! Look at her. Definitely lusty love in those eyes.’ I thought suddenly filled with fear and anticipation.

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The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 9 – Shit happens ya know!

 

   Mom was gone, and it was just Merry and I in my hospital room. She approached the door and shut it soundly. The nurses all seemed to be knocking and waiting on a reply before entering, unless my door was cracked. So we had relative alone time, and theoretical privacy.

“Sit with me M.” I told her before she had time to make a decision of her own.

“Sure thing Baby. I wouldn’t sit anywhere else, unless I was hurting you. I’m sorry you’re hurt honey, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’d rather have you hurt than gone.” She told me bringing me into a close side hug. I could hear her sniffling in my shoulder.

   Merry was crying in relief that nothing critical was going on. She apparently didn’t give rat’s ass that I was laid up facing surgery and “absorbency products” for an undetermined amount of time. All she cared about was that I was going to live, and that I wouldn’t be leaving her.

   I reveled in her closeness for a few moments before craning my neck backwards being careful not to move my upper body. I wanted to look at my best friend. Her goofy flamboyant personality lit up my world and I knew I was blessed to have her around me, but I wanted to really look at her. I wanted to look at her like a potential lover.

   Merry was slender like me, but a few inches shorter. She stood a nice average five foot five inches tall. Her dark hair and olive colored skin gave her a Native American first impression, but her hippy parents had Chinese and Italian roots. She had a large chest on her tiny frame and a decent butt too. The combo worked well for her. She was beyond normally attractive to me, even before I thought of her as a potential girlfriend. All the guys wanted her exotic beauty. Apparently, I open to the idea too.

It’s a dangerous business, Maddison, going out of your door, you step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.’ I quoted my favorite book again. Tolkien really did have a quote for everything…lol

   I sniggered a little while I was reared back from her. Merry just looked up quizzically not offended. Our friendship was so strong, we were so much a part of each other, that I was fairly certain I could have taken her right there (sans hospital and diaper of course) and she’d have been ok with a relationship or just a friendship with benefits. I was certain I couldn’t destroy what we had. Change it sure, but destroy it. Nope. I never doubted that for a second.

   It’s a strange thing to be sort of drunk on medication, but thinking clearer than you have been in days. I still wasn’t at my best mind you, but with the pain pushed back I was at least clearer than I was. I paused for a bit to reflect internally. It was sort of like having a buzz. My guard was down and my inhibitions were impaired, but I didn’t feel like I was incapable of making rational decisions.

I feel free from all of the weight of my life. I’m stuck where I am. I’m stuck wearing my diapers. I’m alive though! M is right about that. But, I’m not stuck falling for this gorgeous young woman. Nope that, I believe, I’m doing by choice!’ I decided triumphantly.

   I’m not sure if I’d have ever followed this rabbit down its hole to Wonder Land if it had not been for Mom pointing out how much I cared for Merry, or if I hadn’t been less inhibited with the medications. Either way, perfect storm or inevitability, I resolved myself to the possibility of loving a woman, and I was happy for it. I felt at peace with the decision.

“Ok, enough window shopping me, girl. I gots me some work to do.” Merry smiled.

“OMG! M, this is so fucking embarrassing.” I flinched as she rolled over and stood up.

‘Mom may have had to peel my eyes back, but she’d gotten it right. I’m comfortable with Merry. I want her to see me sexually. I want her in my life helping me make decisions, pushing me forward, and yanking me around out of my comfort zones. I need her.’

Then it hit me.

GASP! What if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if I’m just getting the full brunt of her natural flirtiness? Not to mention she’s about to change my fucking diaper!’ I worried.

Then I mastered my own concern. ‘She’ll love me anyway. Even if we can’t be together, she won’t pull away. I may be on this Road alone, but I’d walk it with my head held high.’ I decided sort of coming out to myself.

   Knowing something and Committing to something, those are different things than physically embracing a brand new point of view. I may have shifted internally, but it would take some time to physically embody that confidence.

   I shrank into myself and covered my face. Merry just started humming a tune. It cut in and out so I couldn’t figure out what she was humming, but it felt modern. I smiled behind my hands. She was always getting a song stuck in her head. She’d sing bits and pieces of it until she broke down and googled it. She had to hear the whole thing to banish the earworm.

   I didn’t spread my legs, dry hump her, or look at her with seductive bedroom eyes, but I thought about all of those things. Instead, I rolled around in the dirty sheets of my mind, and physically hid from my best friend and prospective lover.

   I moaned and tried my best to hold still. No matter what my libido was up to, I was still stuck in a hospital bed with a possible spinal cord injury. It still hurt to move, but by god it was hard to hold my hips still while she cleaned me. It sucked and was super embarrassing, but it was glorious, tender, and just shy of fulfilling.

   Her tune would stop and repeat. It wasn’t motherly. It wasn’t juvenile. It was distracting. Hell, even her voice was getting me going. She cleaned me everywhere. I especially loved it when she spread the skin cream over my shaved lady bits. I was probably cleaner after that diaper change than I ever got after a normal shower!

‘Thank god I shaved! Peggy or mom either one could have changed me several times just in the time she’s taking wiping me with those blanket sized hospital wipes. I’m loved every scandalized moment of my diaper change. I feel polished. It’s a wonder a genie didn’t pop up out of my “lamp”. HeHeHe’  

   I was so entranced with the diaper change and my friend’s sensuous hands, that I didn’t even realize that I was dry and she had her hand back on me over my diaper. I took a deep breath and tried to come out of my overstimulated state. I noticed the tiny gyrations my hips were making against her hands first. Even those tiny involuntary flexes hurt like hell though.

‘I need to back off. An orgasm might put me in the emergency room! Not Fucking Fair. An orgasm would have dealt with a lot of this stress. Dammit.’

“Dee, was that as bad as you thought it would be?” She teased pulling her hand away up my diaper. She traced her hand up the inside of my thigh leaving contact with me at the knee.

“Of course not! I didn’t think it would be bad. Not with you doing it. I just hate for you to see me this way M! I’m embarrassed as hell.” I tried to be firm but failed in favor of a whiny tone.

“Well, I don’t mind. I have wanted to take care of you for like ten years. TEN YEARS girl! I wouldn’t pass this up for anything. You have always had your shit together. You’ve always been more mature than I am. It was like having a big sister that I’m a couple months older than.

   That’s confusing as fuck for a thirteen year old girl. I wanted to hold you and try to fix your world when your dad died, but you didn’t even need me then. Do you have any idea how intimidating the rest of our class finds you?

   You were paying bills with your own checking account at fourteen Baby. You had a part-time job and still had like the best grades ever! You are one badass put together motherfucker! The ones who don’t look up to you steer clear. You move like an adult. You’re always going somewhere with a purpose.

   Your mom and I are afraid you don’t remember how to have fun. It hurts us to not be able to help you. I’m afraid you’re going to burn out like a light bulb. We feel lopsided. We feel like leeches or something.

   The only thing that makes this bad for us is your pain. I’m having the time of my life. I finally feel like a big girl taking care of you, Baby girl. And, I’m just so fucking happy you’re alive. I’d have died if you hadn’t made it Dee.” She told me washing her hands in the little bathroom sink wrapping up a speech she’d clearly rehearsed.

   Before I could get introspective on how the rest of my world saw me, or before I started trying to fix how upset she was, Merry gracefully and slowly walked over to the chairs where her bag was.

   She dug around in her bag and came up with a wad of clothes. I couldn’t see into the bathroom from my angle, but I could see her sexy shadow on the hospital room floor. It was like watching shadow porn. It was more than a little arousing I’ll tell you, and I was already more than a little aroused!

Can pain meds make you horney?’ I made a mental note to google it.

   She undressed and held each item of clothing out from the bathroom at shoulder level before letting it drop to the ground. When she was totally naked, her shadow danced a private show for the my eyes only. Probably to the tune of whatever song was stuck in her head.

Alright! I’m not on the Road alone!’ I shouted in my head doing a mental happy dance wishing we were at home and that I could jump up and join her in the bathroom.

“Hey M, you big stud. Take me to bed or lose me forever!” I called finding our old repartee and my sexy beast at the same time.

“Did you just successfully use a quote from Top Gun for a pickup line?” She sounded scandalized from the bathroom.

“Let’s see.” I dared her.

   She came out of the bathroom in a set of flannel pajamas. Nothing sexy mind you, but it was still hot on her. She must have “forgot” to button a couple buttons here and there. And those short boy shorts. Damn. She padded over to me silently on thigh high black sock feet.

Well shitballs, that might be the sexiest thing I have ever seen. She’s got to be part cat.’ I smiled lustfully patting the bed.

“Hey Dee?”

“Yeah M?”

   Merry Selvage, my very best friend, dared to kiss me. She leaned up and over sucking heat out of my diaper through my mouth. It was exquisite. She needed her hands to support herself, but mine were free to roam up her side. I fought myself to keep them firmly in first date locations. It was not an easy battle with my own drug influenced will power, I assure you.

“Hey M? Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. That one left them all behind.” I told her with admiration in my eyes, and corny words on my lips.

“Did you just successfully use a Princess Bride pickup line?” She looked at me with tears of joy in her eyes.

“I believe I did.” I nodded.

“Yup.” She nodded back kissing me again.

“So since you’re all hospitaled up and everything, we have to keep this G rated. But, I swear to all that’s Holy we will revisit this when your ass can keep up! Until then, I’m just going to touch you a lot.” She giggled. “I just have to make sure this is real. Dee, I’ve wanted you for a very long time.”

“It’s real M.” I promised.

“Kiss me again. I need to make sure it wasn’t a medication induced hallucination.” I pleaded.

   She did. She kissed my socks off again. If I had been standing, my leg would have floated up like a romance comedy. I felt like Mary Jane kissing Spiderman. It was lovely, slow, and passionate. It was perfect. I already loved Merry as a friend and a sort of sister, but after freeing my anxiety, I found a new attraction. I found a new attraction to her that I intended to fully explore.

‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen. Maddie is off the market! Mental Note: Get Merry a spider girl costume.’

“Merry, that was fantastic. I loved every moment of it. Well, except you having to change me.” I told her caressing her face as she lay next to me on my pillow.

“Can I get my Lesbian Card back now bitch?” She cackled in my face and punched my arm.

“Only if you have one printed up for me too!” I joked back.

   Our giggles dissolved into some light touching, smiling, and light kisses. It wasn’t the declaration of intent the first kisses were. It was comfort and confirmation of feelings in physical form. I told her with my fingers and lips, I wanted this too. Hers told me she’d be here with me no matter what happened, and that she was totally willing to change my diapers.

   Eventually, we separated and lay beside each other watching whatever nonsense was on TV at midnight in the hospital. We held hands while she fought to stay awake. There was a knock at the door and Merry answered to come in.

“Hello, I’m Sammy. I’ll be your nurse until the morning shift comes in. I have some pain meds and a muscle relaxer for you and…” She checked my chart. “I need to see how your absorbency products are doing.”

“Hi Sammy, I’m Merry. I cleaned her up a little bit ago. She’s a little wet, but it’s been kind of a constant thing, so we better wait a bit.” She told Sammy.

I probed my diaper, but couldn’t really check far enough down my crotch to tell how wet I was, “I’ll have to take M’s word for it. I can’t lean up far enough to check, but your welcome to verify if you need to.” I smiled at her trying for nonchalance, and probably failing miserably.

   Merry didn’t move from my side so Sammy had to approach from my good side. Well, my left side. I’m right hand dominant for sure, so these injuries added further insult. She handed me the little cup of pills and Merry handed me the hospital water jug. I took my pain medication and lay back against the bed grunting in pain.

   That left me with all the new toys in my bed, and my favorite new toy Merry. I hadn’t been thinking about my back, but after leaning up for my meds I was. All the sudden, I was in quite a bit of pain. I squeezed Merry’s hand as I settled back into the least painful configuration. As I tried to relax my muscles and nestle back in, I noticed another need.

“So Sammy, what happens if I have to use the bathroom?” I asked.

She checked the chart, “Well, looks like your orders are bed restriction. So you have two options. Bedpan or…” She eyed my diaper and nodded with her head.

‘Oh I don’t like this at all. OMG! This is not happening. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to use the bedpan. What a horrible ordeal that would be.’ I panicked.

Merry sensed my panic and tried to help, “Sammy, I talked to Maddison’s mother before she left to rest. I was planning to help her tonight sense you all are shorthanded, but we may need some help if she has to number two.”

“That’s what I’m here for. We are supposed to keep her spine as immobile as possible, but the bedpan takes a lot of wiggling. Her current option is probably the best, but I’m here to do whatever you want Maddison.” Sammy smiled at us. “Speaking of being short-handed, I better go.” She told us as her messenger started buzzing.

“Merry Alice Selvage! you will not be involved in changing another diaper much less a number two!” I huffed as Sammy left.

“Of course I will Baby girl. Your momma left me in charge of you silly.” She told me with a sing song voice full of certainty patting me on my diapered crotch.

‘Oh hell no!’ I thought with determination. ‘I’ll hold this shit until mom comes back in the morning no problem. It is early notice level anyway. I have time.’

“Aren’t you supposed to be studying you asshat?” I huffed.

“Right you are Baby girl. You just take your mom’s computer and card. You get your new one ordered. She gave me her card.” She told me handing both over and settling the table where I could use it.

   Merry handed me the laptop and got up to plug it in on the other side of my bed. She nestled back in next to me on my bad side and started studying. She’d ask me an occasional question and I’d answer. I made it through my new pc order and had it delivered to Merry’s house.

   Somewhere around two AM I passed out. I was still holding the impending stool, but the meds were too strong and I was too tired. I remember Merry petting my face while I fell asleep and my head fell to her shoulder. I was safe and drugged and loved. I slept hard until about half past five.

   I woke up with some very serious pain in my back. Pain that radiated everywhere. Even with my legs up I could feel the sluggish numb flesh on my hip and in my foot. I slowly straighten up off of Merry’s shoulder and tried to figure out the source of the now excruciating pain.

   The small movement of getting off of Merry spiked that pain, and I grunted letting out an uncontrolled puff of noxious air from my covered ass. Which caused me to gasp in shock. The horrid smell caused my really intense gag reflex to kick in. I urked against the putrid air.

“Oh baby, it’s ok.” Merry chimed patting my tummy. “Just let it out Baby girl.”

“Get out M. I’ve been holding this back and it’s hurting so bad. I’m not going to make it until Momma gets here. ARGH God it smells so… Urk bad… Blech.” I grimaced.

   The abdomen jerks from the gagging were making it even harder to hold it all in. Merry pressed the call button on my bed/remote. I got my gagging under control by pulling my nightgown up over my face and filtering it threw the new shirt smell. Of course, that left my soggy diaper on full display, but I hurt too bad to give two fucks.

   The pain was terrible. Squeezing off the impending stool flexed all the muscles in my lower back. It didn’t hurt when I didn’t have to flex, but it hurt, like a lot, right then.

‘OMG! How fucking unfair is this! My potential girlfriend is in bed with me while I writhe in pain fighting back this horrible accident. I keep dry heaving and farting totally noxious air. So FUCKING UNFAIR!’ I wailed internally.

   Externally, I had started crying in pain. What was a normal function to hold back a number two is now full on panic stricken exercise in pain endurance. At this level of pressure I’d normally have roughly an hour to get to the bathroom, but the pain wasn’t going to allow that. It was fatiguing my muscles much faster than normal.

   My muscles were pushed to their edge of endurance. They flexed hard and I retracted in intense pain. When they relaxed another puff of air escaped audibly making itself known. I released a little scream of helplessness. I couldn’t fight it anymore the pain was too much.

“Ulch, Oh God M. I’m so fucking sorry!” I wailed as I filled my diaper.

   The entire experience was painful. Every wave of excretion flexed muscles rooted in my current injury centers. It was straight-up fucking horrible. It felt like imagined labor would feel. So much pain just on a shorter duration. Thankfully, I was a pretty regular since I didn’t run near as much after season was over. It hadn’t lasted long. Under normal circumstances, I’d have been in and out of the toilet in no time.

   That day was far from normal circumstances.

   Shortly after the tremors in my body died down, my nurse Sammy came in. She looked worn out and tired, but mostly she looked spooked. She’d gotten to the room maybe six minutes after Merry had hit the call button, but I was still finishing up and I must have sounded terrifying.

“What’s going on in here? We heard you screaming at the nurse’s station and over the intercom when you called. I got over here as quickly as I could. I’m so sorry it wasn’t faster.” She puffed from her jog.

“Maddie here just had a little accident. Shit happens ya know! We knew it was coming, but we had no idea she’d be in this much pain.” Merry supplied.

“Alright, your name again dear?” Sammy prompted.

“Merry, ma’am.” She supplied.

“Merry do you still have supplies from last night?”

“Yes, ma’am. I only had to change her the once. Then we fell asleep.”

“Good good. I’ll get right to work here ladies.”

   Merry eased my leg down into off the pillows and stepped back. Sammy smiled at the teenager and pulled the curtain. She sat out all of the supplies and started to work efficiently. I really appreciated the professional distance she put on the task. It helped me separate from the humiliation of the whole event. She finished up and changed out the bio-hazard trashcan leaving the room for a moment.

“Oh M, I’m so sorry you had to smell that. My God, I’m so embarrassed. *Huff* it hurt so bad.” I blubbered.

Nurse Sammy walked back in and addressed me directly, “Maddison, what was all the screaming?”

“Well, it wasn’t about having to use the diaper. I didn’t even have time to think about that. I had to go before I passed out around two AM, but I didn’t want to go while Merry was here.” Merry took my hand.

“Shhhh, it’s ok Dee. I’m here no matter what! I told you Shit Happens!” She soothed me.

“Ha! That’s a dedicated friend right there Maddie. You better keep her around. So then what?” Sammy asked chuckling.

“Well, I woke up a few minutes ago needing to go pretty bad. Normally, I’d still have some time left and Momma doesn’t sleep in well so I was hoping to wait for her to get here. So I concentrated on holding things until she got here.” I sighed.

“That’s when the pain really started. Holding it in caused pain. Pain caused muscle spasms and I let a little loose. It embarrassed me and smelled awful and I started to gag. Then Merry woke up and I freaked out a bit.

   The pain was too much. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I mean I normally could have but I couldn’t flex down there anymore. Then I started the BM and it hurt with the contractions to push. It hurt holding it, and it hurt letting it go. It was awful.” I concluded.

“Well, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Maybe we can get you a stool softener or something. Hopefully you won’t have to go again for a while after that. Are you pretty regular?” She asked.

   I looked over at Merry who was smiling at me and texting one handed like a speed demon. She looked pleased with herself.

“Your mom is on her way Dee. She’ll be about twenty minutes. I told her as much as I could over text.”

   I loved her for that.

“Will you catch her in the hall and tell her what happened? I don’t want to talk about that again.” I pleaded.

“My pleasure Baby girl!” She beamed with a job to do.

“I’ll talk to Dr. Hadi’s staff and see what we can do. I’ll come back and let you know.” Sammy said retreating to the nurse’s station.

   I took my pills again right after the nurse left chunking the little paper cup at the trash can. I missed. Then I took a deep centering breath and looked over at my Merry. I said, “Well that’s a shitty way to start the day!”

Merry giggled and that was good enough for me.

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  • 6 months later...

The Woes of Maddison Page

Chapter 10 – I want to get her a cape so bad!

 

“Alright, I’ve been the center of attention long enough. Aren’t you supposed to be studying or some shit? When is your test again?” I asked her.

 

“I’ve got the early session so I’ll have to be there before nine.” She told me.

 

“Good. You study. I’m going to lay here and die from embarrassment.” I told her.

 

“You knew what your options were, and you knew what you had to do. I know you wanted to use the toilet or wait till you’re mom got here, but that didn’t work out now did it? We’ll get your injuries sorted out, and you’ll be back on the porcelain throne with the rest of us! You know I still love you baby girl, right?” She pleaded.

 

“You’re not going to last long anyway. Those pain pills will knock you out.” She leaned down and kissed my forehead tracing my chin with her fingers.

 

   I reached up and took her hand in mine. I tugged at her with the strength of an exhausted mouse. She got the message though, and we shared a chaste morning breath kiss. I pulled the table back over and started at a couple lists I had typed up on mom’s computer. I created them in Google docs so I’d have access to them on my PC when it came in. Disaster Recovery was a whole new school of thought for me after the fire.

 

   Just as I really got into listing out all our bills with their approximate amounts, mom showed up. She walked straight over to me where I was sitting up at just enough of an angle to see the her laptop on the table. Merry was still snuggled up against my side. She was rolled up on her side tucked in close to me facing away from me while working through her notes for her final later that morning. 

 

   Mom must have picked up some new clothes last night, she looked really great that morning. My Mom had on a nice white blouse and a loose skirt with tights. She looked ready for the office or a power lunch somewhere. I didn’t spend a lot of time around this side of mom. It was startling, but it was kind of fun to see her “adulting”. 

 

   She beamed me a beautiful smile lighting up her pretty face, “Morning Sunshine. How was your night?” She flicked her eyes toward Merry smiling.

 

“I slept pretty good Momma. No grandbabies yet, but I had a great snuggle buddy!” I teased them both. 

 

“I’m really glad Merry was here to keep you company. Good thing on the grandbabies though.” She teased us.

 

“Mrs. P, I can assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.” Merry giggled. 

 

   She sucked at delivering lines she thought were funny. She always ends up cracking up before she finished her joke.

 

“Dee and I had a movie quote thing going last night.” Merry shrugged.

 

“Sounds familiar.” Mom intoned thoughtfully.

 

I got it first, “You always were a cunning linguist, Merry. James Bond!”

 

“I think so…” Merry looked puzzled like she’d recalled the line, but not where it had come from.

 

   We all cracked up laughing. That was a much better start to my day than my tortuously painful dirty diaper had been. Merry got up, leaving me a cold spot, so my mom could sit on the hospital bed. She wandered off toward the bathroom to freshen up for school. 

 

   Mom sat up in my bed watching me mess around on her computer for a little while. It was a comfortable silence, but it looked weird to me. This wasn’t how my mom looked when she was relaxing at home, but she didn’t seem very tense beside me. I just wasn’t used to her looking like an adult. It was a little jarring, but we really didn’t have a home to relax in anymore. 

 

I wonder if Momma will ever be able to relax like that again. I’ve worked so hard so she could, and now it seems fate is preventing it.’ I thought angrily.

 

   She’d clearly slept well though. We talked a bit about her computer, and I told her I’d ordered mine for delivery to Merry’s house. Since it was a custom build from Lenovo, it’d take a few days to put together and ship. I’d have it between Christmas and New Year’s.

 

“We’ll just have to fight over this one till then. Better yet we’ll race. Probably the only time in your life I’ll be able to outrun you.” Mom belly laughed at her own joke ruining it for Merry and I. I smiled anyway. She never could keep her laughs, even for her own comedy.

 

“Alright ladies. I want to cram a bit before this final and you two are too distracting. They are opening the doors at seven today, so I’m going to hit the Arches for coffee and a breakfast wrap. I love you both, and Dee I’ll be back before lunch! Maybe with some lunch.” She told me slinking over to me to hug me goodbye. 

 

So yummy. I swear she moves like a cat!’ I enjoyed watching her approach. ‘I know I don’t move like that!’ 

 

   She embraced me and kissed the top of my head. She reached across me to hug mom. As she was standing I grabbed her shirt and pulled her down to me. I gave her a chaste lover’s kiss on the lips and let my hand trail down her face as she rose. The move told her everything I was uncomfortable voicing in front of my mom, and told my mom where my heart was at the same time.

 

“No way I can fail now. Bye Baby Girl!” She waved a cute little half-hand wave then threw her hand over her mouth covering her slip. 

 

Guess that was meant to be a pet name not for public consumption. Sorry mom.’ I thought and shrugged.

 

“I take it that’s going well?” Mom hedged pointing to an exiting Merry.

 

“As can be here in this hospital and wrapped up in this crinkly thing.” I sighed. 

 

“Good things are worth waiting for baby.” Mom voiced sagely. “I was lucky with your Daddy. I didn’t have to wait long. We fell in love when we were young and grew into who we wanted to be together. It was a true treat to grow up with him.” She sighed wistfully with a single tear in her eye.

 

   The pain was so much better with fresh meds. I could think around the pain when they kicked in. I could see how people that dealt with this all the time could get addicted. Admittedly, I was a bit of a pain newbie. Until this hospital visit, I’d never had anything worse than a tooth pulled, and maybe like 4 stitches over my lifetime. I had quite a bit more than that in my right leg alone!

 

   I knew my threshold for dealing with that new level of pain was improving. I was learning quickly to “deal” with the constant pressure pains and the hollow pain associated with the “dead” spots on my leg and foot. Sometimes, a muscle would knot up or a nerve would misfire and I felt white hot burning pain. Those eruptions of my nerve endings were truly breathtaking in the worst way. The pain meds knocked the top off of that just fine, when they were fresh anyway.

 

   I smiled a lot that morning. I had a computer. I had a quarter million lists started and my hyper organized brain started to settle around our new situation. I pinned Mom down and we built back most of the information on the bills while I fought off the drowsiness the pain medication brought me. 

 

   It was liberating to have that back together. I was able to pull several passwords from the Chrome add-on I used to manage them. I spent the hours Merry was gone regaining some control over our life situation while fighting back the yawns. 

 

   It was the most household stuff that I had shared with mom since dad died. It was very strange sharing these things with her. I’ll be honest. It was easier with her in her professional dress than her normal lounging wear. I didn’t feel like I was burdening her this way. It felt like she wanted to be involved. 

 

   It was... nice. 

 

I guess clothes really do make the girl. What the fuck does that make me?’ I thought poking my diaper.

 

   I had accepted the temporary need for diapers and the possibility of surgery in my future. Now I had a leg up on recovering the house stuff. I was compartmentalizing the active traumas in my life. All in All, things were starting to look up!

 

   I still had the control in my relationship with mom. She never challenged me there. She just wanted to know what was going on. Like a CEO getting a briefing from management. She smiled and nodded at the right times. She was more than satisfied with my grip on the situation, and content to let me do my job.

 

   Despite laying there in a hospital bed in an “absorbency garment” waiting on tests to determine my injury levels, I was quite possibly as happy as I had been since our house burnt down. I had a text from Merry confirming she was coming back to me, with some Wendy’s to boot. She’d promised something with bacon on it. WooHoo! 

 

   Mom was smiling and fussing over my health and diapered state eventually tiring of the house talk, and leaving the financial stuff to me. I had reigned in some anxiety over the fire by getting organized. Now I just needed a diagnosis, and to get the hell out of this hospital! 

 

“Hey Babe.” Merry says coming in the room and kissing me lightly on the lips. I’d have swooned, but I was already lying down. Thank God!

 

“OMG! Fries!” I said clawing into the food she brought me with happy tears in my eyes from her and her food gifts. The hospital breakfast kind of sucked, like school lunch ladies who were pissed at the kids.

 

   Apparently, pain meds make me emotional. HA!

 

Mom and Merry chuckled at my enthusiasm. “Mrs. P. How’s she doing?” Merry talked over me to mom who was still nested in my bed with me. 

 

“She’s had a couple diaper changes while you were gone. I honestly don’t think she has much control over that anymore.” They talked like I wasn’t there.

 

   In fairness, there was a baconator and fries in front of me. I wasn’t really paying them much attention anyway, but I did hear them. It was something we had talked about while Merry was gone. I had decided not to worry about my diapers. They didn’t bother Merry, and Mom seemed strangely excited about them for some reason. 

 

“So no more messes though?” Merry asked. 

 

“M’hm on a shtool toffiner doe.” I slurped around the greasy burger.

 

“Uh, they put her on a stool softener. I don’t think it’s supposed to induce anything just makes it easier when it happens. Sounds like most of that was in her mind this morning though. Stubborn thing! Should have just gone when she needed to. Waiting didn’t change anything did it baby.” Mom huffed patting my leg.

 

   I was mortified that Merry had to live through that with me, but I had decided throughout the morning that I was ok with Mom not having been there. She may have forced her hand and changed me herself! 

 

My life keeps getting stranger and stranger.

 

“She has her MRI in a little while. I asked the nurse, just a bit ago, if they were running on time. She’s calling around to find out.” Merry told us. 

 

   I couldn’t get over how happy my girls seemed to be while taking care of me. The one thing I have worked the hardest for, is their happiness. Seeing them all excited and smiling about taking care of me was surreal, but I was feeding off their happiness, and right then that was good enough for me.

 

Nurse Peggy came in knocking on my door, “Ladies is everyone decent.” She chimed from the door.

 

“Oh Peggy, come in dear.” My mom beamed like a kid at daycare when their mom shows up. 

 

Guess I’m not the only one taken with this mature woman whose kindness and good humor radiates happiness in its wake.’ Sigh, I was genuinely happy Peggy was here to see me.

 

“Heard you gave the C-Shift girls a scare this morning.” Peggy eyed me with mock suspicion. 

 

“Well, it was an ordeal for sure. Not my finest moment. Nor one I’m looking forward to repeating.” I told her with Wendy’s crumbs all over my nightgown. 

 

   Crumbs get everywhere when you eat horizontally. Nowhere for the mess to go I guess. Lesson learned. I started trying to knock them off me to the floor, but I was just making a mess on the bed. I must have cut peculiar look. 

 

   I looked around at the bed and wondered what Merry saw. I was lying flat of my back in a day old Blossom nightgown, wearing two purple monster toed sock, and a very visibly wet hospital green diaper.  Oh yeah, and now I’m covered in fry crumbs and bacon bits!

 

“The MRI techs are running late. There was a pretty bad car wreck a little while ago. It pushed you back. Your three o’clock is looking more like a five. They will do it this evening, but it definitely won’t be in time to get you out of here tonight. Friday at the earliest now.” She apologized.

 

Well, it’s official. Thursday’s suck!’ I thought turning fickelly on my previous good mood.

 

   She pulled the curtain, but didn’t ask my girls to step out this time. She changed my wet diaper and gave me a thorough cleaning. I appreciated the sentiment, but she didn’t get me anywhere near as clean as Merry had.

 

“So, here’s your pills. Take em now and sleep while you can. On second thought, don’t sleep. This will work out pretty good. I should be able to give you your other dose just before I leave and you get in the MRI. Might help if you sleep in there. So, I’d try to stay up if I were you.” She told me patting my thigh officially ending the diaper change.

 

   Peggy puttered around my room tidying up after pulling the curtain back insisting that my cave get some sunlight. Merry crawled up on the bed with me while Mom got up and helped Peggy put the room to rights. Between the two experienced women, they had the room back in shape in moments. Mom even used some disinfectant wipes to clean off most of the surfaces and the chair arms. 

 

Mom looks at home puttering around cleaning up and helping me. I wonder if she ever wanted to be a nurse. Why does her butt look so big?’ I pondered noticing it for the first time.

 

   Peggy smiled and withdrew from the room wishing us a good day. She told me to call her if I needed anything that they were normally staffed today. She apologized for last night too.

 

“No problem Mrs. Peggy! Dee has been taking care of me for years. I love this chance to help her out. It’s like a dream for me.” Merry gushed.

 

“Alright Maddie, you seem to be in good hands. Mandy, I’ll check on the doctor rounds for mid-day. I think Dr. Flores will be by about her x-rays. I gave our flying girl her stool softener just now. I don’t want her to go through that kind of pain again today.” Peggy said.

 

   Merry snuggled up beside the length of my body. I sighed and nestled back into her snuggle. The thought of mom’s overly round ass evaporated with the intake of Merry’s scent. She rested her head on my shoulder and I rested my head against hers. I finished off my food with my left hand unable to hold back the smile on my face. Mom couldn’t keep the smile off her face either. It was really great to have a smile worthy thing to hold onto in all this chaos. 

 

   I sighed in contentment and motioned for my table and mom’s laptop. Merry settled into a shallow sleep as her breathing evened out. I longed to drape my right arm around her shoulder and hug her in tightly, but the splint wouldn’t let me. I turned my head and kissed her forehead before plowing back into recovering our lives from the fire.

 

   An hour later, Merry surfaced from her nap yawning and pawing at her face as a guy in a white coat came in my door. My girl drools. It’s a fact. She pawed at her face with the back of her hand rubbing the back of her hand on the bed. Then, I kid you not, she yawned super wide open-mouthed and her tongue curled and released. It was like watching a panther stir from a nap on a nature TV show. 

 

“I shall call you Kitty and you shall be mine.” I whispered to her.

 

She tilted her head looking at me while her eyes and brain focused, “Did you just lay claim on me with a line from a fish movie?

 

“Sounded like it.” I chuckled.

 

   Before she thought, she reached up and kissed me possessively on the lips. Mom cleared her throat with a loving smile on her face and looked toward the new entry. 

 

“That’s enough of that ladies. Kissing leads to grandbabies!” She giggled. The absurdity left us all laughing merrily. 

   

   Merry sat up on my bed and stretched her sinuous body distracting me totally from whatever I had been thinking about. It seemed that once I gave myself permission to find Merry attractive, that everything she did turned me on. I don’t remember feeling this way about any boyfriend I had ever had.

 

“Can I come in ladies?” I heard my Dr. ask.

 

“You may.” My mom invited.

 

“Maddison, I have some good news and bad news as a result of your x-rays.” The doctor me.

 

“I’m Dr. Flores by the way.” He told us nodding at mom and sliding the rolling chair up next to the bed.

 

   He had my chart and flipped through it a bit. 

 

“Well, good news first, your wrist isn’t broken.” He told me and mom clapped.

 

“Bad news, the sprain will take longer to recover from than a break. Course you get to trade that off with no cast and the splint is removable. You’ll wear it for about four weeks and…” He reviewed the chart. “Dr. Chu will let you out of it, but you’ll be sleeping in it for six to eight weeks.” He nodded and thumped the clipboard.

 

I startled, “Alright, I can live with that. What about my leg?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, you broke that for sure. Good news there is that I don’t think I need to reset the bone before we cast it.” He smiled.

 

“Where’s the break Doc?” Merry contributed. 

 

“Fibula.” He confirmed.

 

   Dr. Flores took the leg splint off leaving my leg up. Then he slowly rolled my monster sock down to the bottom of my ankle. Motioning for mom to come over he began to press on the outside of my leg.

 

“You landed funny when you jumped out of that window. Your outer lower leg bone is fractured above the ankle right about here.” He touched my leg lightly.

 

“We’ll cast her up to just below the knee. You’ll wear your splint like a walking boot over the cast since it has a rubber sole. Overkill for the cast, but will allow you more use of your leg. If you back allows walking anyway.” He chuckled.

 

“Hey I just want to tell you, we all think you are super brave. I know it was a life or death choice and all, but most people couldn’t have jumped from the window like you did. That can be a fatal fall distance. I know you got cut up and several other injuries, but this is very close to best case scenario for a little thing like you trying to fly.” He laughed out right.

 

“Right! That’s what I’ve been saying! I want to get her a cape so bad!” Merry told us emphatically.

 

“In all seriousness, we get a lot of awful stories in here. Yours isn’t the worst by far, but all of the nurses and doctors took up a collection to help you and your daughter get on your feet. God will help you through this, and we were all happy to help.” Dr. Flores told my mom with a convicted sincerity. 

 

“Oh Doctor. I don’t… It’s just so… I can’t tha…” Mom faltered around her tears touched by their assistance as the doctor handed her a check for thirty-eight hundred dollars. 

 

“Dr. Flores, my mother and I are touched at the thoughtfulness and kindness. Whatever you all have collected is most appreciated. I can’t tell you how professional and caring your doctors and nurses are. You all have made this horrible week a little easier, and we really appreciate it.” I told him suddenly inspired by their outreach.

 

   Mom and Dr. Flores discussed the current situation with the MRI. Nothing new had come up to push me back from the now five-ish time frame I was looking at. It looked like I had a few more hours to go, and I’d be getting a cast between now and then.

 

“Do I get to choose the color?” I asked suddenly curious.

 

“Yeah. I’m going to have them do it in here. They’ll bring a cart and cast it up for you. You can pick the outer color when they get here.”

 

“How about that stool softener I’m on. It won’t make me go will it?” I asked fearful of his answer.

 

“No Maddie. It just keeps your stool well… softer so you won’t have to work so hard at emptying your colon. If you feel like you need to go you need to relax and try to let it happen. If you prefer you can always call for us and the nurses can get the bedpan.” He encouraged me.

 

“I know. Holding it hurt. I pushed that one off way to long this morning. My back was hurting worse then than it has since all of that went on. I’m kind of afraid to move. I’ll do everything I can not to end up like that again. I just wish I could use the toilet for that.” I admitted.

 

“Maybe tomorrow! Let’s see what you have going on back there first. We don’t want to make it worse!” He told me with confidence and conviction. 

 

“Nope worse, would not be good.” I conceded.

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