Jump to content
LL Medico Diapers and More Bambino Diapers - ABDL Diaper Store

Why I am an ABDL


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, 

I don't post much in the Lifestyle section these days but I wanted to share an important personal epiphany. At long last, I discovered why I am an ABDL. For my entire life, I have wondered why I had such peculiar desires. I think those who are ABDL often wonder, "why do I enjoy this?" or worse yet, "what's wrong with me?" Of course, there is nothing 'wrong' with being an ABDL but our journey towards self-acceptance is often a long and difficult one. (It certainly was for me!) For a long time, I simply said, "I don't know WHY I am this way but really doesn't matter. I just need to accept it and embrace it!" After all, a person who likes eating strawberries shouldn't feel any obligation to 'explain' why they enjoy eating strawberries. Its just personal preference!

That being said, I finally found a clear, logical explanation for why I am this way. I can't look at anyone else's life and make judgements about THEM. All of us likely have our own unique reasons for having this fetish because we're all unique individuals. But I can say for sure why I - NewGuy20 - developed this identity. 

I recently discovered, as an adult, that I have an undiagnosed learning disability known as "dyscalcula" People with this learning disability struggle a lot with math, even addition and subtraction. They also struggle to sequence tasks involving multiple steps, and to perform those tasks quickly and competently. I once had to quit a job at Starbucks because no matter how hard I tried, I kept messing up while making drinks. Even making someone's cappuccino at Starbucks was a task, with multiple steps, that I struggled with. I have no recollection of potty training whatsoever but I know that my mind struggles to memorize and execute tasks that involve multiple steps - and that I have ALWAYS struggled with this. For a young child with dyscalcula, I'm quite sure that potty training was somewhat difficult for me and that the idea of going back to wearing diapers probably brought some kind of comfort... even if it was only a fantasy. Potty training - like ALL tasks with multiple steps - evoked some anxiety in my young mind. Being a baby and wearing diapers meant that I would not need to sequence and perform the steps that must be taken in using the toilet. I am fully potty trained today but sometimes, if I'm in a hurry, I will miss a step when I use the toilet. I'll forget to flush, I'll forget to zip my fly, etc. Thats a big reason why, on a deep and primal level, diapers offer emotional comfort and relief from anxiety. Many ABDLs will simply say that, while wearing a diaper, they feel 'safe'. For me, there's a special kind of safety I feel when in diapers. 

Its not just diapers though. When you struggle to complete basic tasks in life, you often feel younger than your actual chronological age. Kids with dyscalcula struggle a lot in learning to tie their shoes. As a 9 year old child, I found myself thinking, "All of the other kids in my class know how to tie their shoes but I still really struggle with it. I feel like such a stupid baby. If I were 3 or 4 years old, no one would expect me to know how to tie my shoes!" 

Today, as an adult, I still can't escape the feeling that I'm really just a little child, masquerading as an adult. I'm putting on a mask and I'm playing a role, hoping that no one realizes just how bad I am at being an adult. This due to the fact that I have learning disability AND - of course - due to the fact that I am an ABDL. But this disability played a big role in me becoming an ABDL. It was most likely the biggest factor. 

People with dyscalcula also struggle with spacial awareness. Whenever I cross a busy street, even if I'm in a crosswalk, I always sprint from one end of the street to another. I do this because I'm scared of getting run over by a car. Everyone around me always seems to be walking at a leisurely pace. If you DON'T have a math related learning disability, then you can look at the cars driving around on the street and perform some simple, rudimentary mathematical estimate about how far away the cars are, how fast they appear to be going, and roughly when those cars will reach you. If you can make that basic estimate, you can then walk at a normal pace. That part of my brain is missing so I sprint across the street every time. The adult world is big and scary. I don't want a fuck buddy, a girlfriend, or a wife... but there are many days when I just wish there was someone there holding my hand and guiding me - especially when I'm crossing the street!

I'm heterosexual and I see many different body types that I find attractive but if I'm being honest, I find women who are really tall or women who are overweight to be especially attractive. This is due to the fact that I'm an ABDL but it is also do to the fact that I don't have any spacial awareness. Hugs always give me anxiety because my brain can't make an estimate of the size, shape, and height of another person - so I often can't match my body to embrace their body. I get awkward, tense, and I give wierd hugs most of the time. However, if the person is bigger than me and taller than me, its a big easier. There's something that feels safer about getting a hug from a really tall or overweight person. 

I would love to be 4 feet tall and for every hug to feel just as easy and safe as it does when I hug someone who is taller and bigger than me... but alas, I'm 5 feet 10 inches. I have a perfectly normal adult body. I would love it if I had no facial hair, a higher pitched voice, and the appearance of a small child. Then no one would ever fault me for messing up basic tasks, sprinting across the street, or wanting someone to hold my hand... but alas, I'm an normal looking adult. I'm an adult baby and I love wearing diapers. 

There's a thread somewhere on these boards where someone suggested a link between autism and being an ABDL. I once knew someone who was ABDL and had ADHD. Its possible that there are a larger number of ABDLs with some sort of learning disability or handicap than in the general population. Since I'm not a social scientist or a psychologist, I won't speculate too much about how the minds of other people work. I'm sure there are lots of ABDLs with perfectly normal adult brains. I'm sure there are people with dyscalcula who never became ABDLs. But this is the reason that I am the way that I am. Its a pretty amazing personal epiphany. I just thought I would share that with all of you wonderful people. 

Thanks for reading!

 

-NewGuy

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Well, maybe you are right about a lot of us having some type of learning disability.

Apparently I had something of the sort that made me slow to process information when I was very little, so it would take me longer to do the same tasks.

I still find that some things can be hard for me to remember until I have seen something done or done it myself enough times to actually remember it and things I very rarely have to do I might not learn how to do or forget how to do.

Luckily it's not the sort of thing I struggle with often though and I mostly feel normal except for the weird things I like that not many people may get; but also I don't equate weird with being a bad thing.

Link to comment

Sometimes you can't find any real reason for things being the way they are and there's not much point in worrying about it. Your time is better spent finding whatever good you can in things and accepting that we're all weird in some way and that's actually a good thing in itself B)

Bettypooh

Link to comment

Thanks for the replies, everyone. 

To be clear, I do not feel like any of us NEED an explanation for why we are the way we are. Self acceptance is very important and it doesn't need to be accompanied by any elaborate explanation. I was just intrigued to find out that, in my case specifically, there is a clear explanation for my fetish. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I dont think your disability has anything to do with your ABDL nature. There are thousands of people on here, many of who tell a similar story of growing up ABDL but they don't share common disabilities, other attributes or indeed... anything at all. Our current hypothesis is that while very young infants a toddlers, we fail one or more development stages and develop 'fixations' that draw us back to those infant times in a pointless attempt to relive and move on past that stage.

At least it fits the facts!

Link to comment

"I don't think your disability has anything to do with your ABDL nature. There are thousands of people on here, many of who tell a similar story of growing up ABDL but they don't share common disabilities, other attributes or indeed... anything at all."

 

Hi, Rosalie. In MY specific case, there is a direct link. I can only say this with confidence because I know my own brain, my own abilities, and my own life experience very intimately. But I cannot and do not speak for ANYONE else. To repeat the words from my previous post,  I won't speculate too much about how the minds of other people work. I'm sure there are lots of ABDLs with perfectly normal adult brains. I'm sure there are people with dyscalcula who never became ABDLs. But this is the reason that I am the way that I am.

 

"Our current hypothesis is that while very young infants a toddlers, we fail one or more development stages and develop 'fixations' that draw us back to those infant times in a pointless attempt to relive and move on past that stage."

 

In my case, I quite literally failed (or struggled) with the task of potty training. Because potty training was especially difficult for me as someone who struggles severely to sequence basic tasks, I likely saw diapers as a relief from the anxiety brought on by potty training. So in some sense, the 'hypothesis' that you mention fits perfectly with my own personal experiences. Although - once again - I must stipulate that these are MY EXPERIENCES. I do not presume that make any statements about EVERYONE in this community. I can only speak for my own personal circumstances which are unique to me. I never stated that anyone NEEDS to have a learning disability in order to have this fetish. Only that I personally have a learning disability that can be directly connected to developing this fetish earlier in life. 

Link to comment

Don't know why.

Probably something or somethings happened.

Don't care anymore, though.

Being able to articulate "why" will only help me explain it to strangers looking to understand me like I'm a science fair project.  It'll only help me justify it to myself if I feel ashamed.  

I don't plan on telling anyone "why", nor do I intend to broadcast my kinks to the world at large, but I'd also rather not feel ashamed of myself and look for an explanation (read: excuse).

Link to comment

Well said, Personalias. 

If a person has reached self acceptance, then "why" is not important. Even if you do choose to share this with someone, you do not owe ANYONE an explanation. 

I know (personally) why I am the way I am but I did not seek out this explanation, nor do I NEED such an explanation to be comfortable in my own shoes with my own identity. 

Link to comment

That is how I feel. Learning the time was so hard for me then even harder when they started talking about 24 hour clocks. I took my most of my secondary school life to somewhat understand it. Maths was hard for me also.

Thanks for that. I learn something new about myself today :)

Link to comment

Funny this.  I suspect that to some extent the opposite is true for me.  There's a bit of Asberger's in me, but not so much that it stops me functioning reasonably normally.  I was precocious as a real child, starting to read at 2, mathematically way ahead of everyone of my age, & at the age of 8 was put up into the next year at school.  At the same time I was always emotionally immature & small for my age.  Emotionally I was always younger than everyone around me, while being ahead intellectually.  And my school days weren't the best days of my life.  I was pretty annoying to a lot of people & got bullied a lot - small scale, as this wasn't a rough neighbourhood.  Emotionally I have always been very defensive & turned in, self-reliant rather than dependent.  And always frightened inside.  I can't be sure, but I think that's got a lot to do with why I'm an AB.  Coming to terms with it & accepting that I would never really "grow up" was a great relief for me.   That started about 30 years ago, but only now am I trying to come out fully to someone else, & let Mummy know everything & have some degree of control over me and my emotions.  We've been together raising kids for over 20 years, & she knew all the time I was an AB, but I had to keep it in the closet for the sake of the kids.  Now things are starting to change, & I'm starting to realise just how much was bottled up inside.  It's been a good journey so far.

Link to comment
 

Funny this.  I suspect that to some extent the opposite is true for me.  There's a bit of Asberger's in me, but not so much that it stops me functioning reasonably normally.  I was precocious as a real child, starting to read at 2, mathematically way ahead of everyone of my age, & at the age of 8 was put up into the next year at school.  At the same time I was always emotionally immature & small for my age.  Emotionally I was always younger than everyone around me, while being ahead intellectually.  And my school days weren't the best days of my life.  I was pretty annoying to a lot of people & got bullied a lot - small scale, as this wasn't a rough neighbourhood.  Emotionally I have always been very defensive & turned in, self-reliant rather than dependent.  And always frightened inside.  I can't be sure, but I think that's got a lot to do with why I'm an AB.  Coming to terms with it & accepting that I would never really "grow up" was a great relief for me.   That started about 30 years ago, but only now am I trying to come out fully to someone else, & let Mummy know everything & have some degree of control over me and my emotions.  We've been together raising kids for over 20 years, & she knew all the time I was an AB, but I had to keep it in the closet for the sake of the kids.  Now things are starting to change, & I'm starting to realise just how much was bottled up inside.  It's been a good journey so far.

I was in a very similar boat growing up. Intellectually ahead of my peers, always told how smart I was, yet emotionally younger than the other kids. Middle school in particular was a living hell for me, and that's really when I discovered the "baby" in me. As an adult, I've still been emotionally immature. Sometimes it's like a toddler takes over and someone just needs to shove a pacifier in my mouth.

For years, I've struggled to find a place for the baby in me. After two failed relationships where I shared my feelings with my girlfriends, I swore to compartmentalize it and keep it tucked away where it couldn't hurt my relationships.

My wife has given me a chance to find acceptance with my baby side. It's like a massive weight off my shoulders, and hopefully I'll be able to find some peace with the baby in me.

Link to comment
  • 5 months later...
On 3/14/2018 at 12:11 AM, NewGuy20 said:

"Our current hypothesis is that while very young infants a toddlers, we fail one or more development stages and develop 'fixations' that draw us back to those infant times in a pointless attempt to relive and move on past that stage."

In my case, I quite literally failed (or struggled) with the task of potty training. Because potty training was especially difficult for me as someone who struggles severely to sequence basic tasks, I likely saw diapers as a relief from the anxiety brought on by potty training. So in some sense, the 'hypothesis' that you mention fits perfectly with my own personal experiences. Although - once again - I must stipulate that these are MY EXPERIENCES. I do not presume that make any statements about EVERYONE in this community. I can only speak for my own personal circumstances which are unique to me. I never stated that anyone NEEDS to have a learning disability in order to have this fetish. Only that I personally have a learning disability that can be directly connected to developing this fetish earlier in life. 

Struggles with potty training is exactly why I am an ABDL today and attached to diapers as an adult so many years later.  As a child, the task of potty training was too much for me - my body’s control and mental readiness were not on the same timetable that most parents expect from their kids.  My mom attempted to potty train me for the first time just as my younger brother was born soon after my third birthday.  I have few memories of this time, but do remember my parents bringing my brother home from the hospital and wearing these all in one training pants with a plastic outer shell and thick cotton interior.  

My memories become much clear as I was closer to 4 years old and we moved to a new city.  We lived in a large apartment complex, and during this time, I remember having accidents during the day in my training pants and wearing diapers at night because I always wet at night.  I became anxious about my accidents and the negative reaction from my parents, mostly my mom because my dad was rarely home, overwhelmed me and made me feel bad about my lack of control. I had difficulty learning my body’s signals to go t other bathroom had no confidence in using the potty.  By the time it registered, it was often too late and I would wet and soil my training pants.  My mom began to diaper me again during the day after accidents, but returned me to trainers soon thereafter hoping I would catch on.  We didn’t stay in this place long.

My dad was in the military and we moved again across country soon after I turned 4 and lived in another apartment complex until my folks could find a suitable house.  It was here that I remember the incident that returned me to full time diapers and forged my attachment to them for ever more.  My accidents became more frequent and soon after we arrived, we were grocery shopping when I had a particularly bad accident in my training pants.  My mom had to end our grocery shopping early and made me wait in my messy pants as she checked out and drove us home.  She was upset and kept telling me I was acting like my baby brother.  We got home and I was out in the bath tub and cleaned up.  My mom brought me back to my room where I saw a diaper and plastic pants waiting for me on my bed.  She told me I would be wearing diapers from now on and put me in them.  I was dressed and we went back to the grocery store to finish shopping.  I cycled through my emotions and eventually landed in a good place.

I was initially embarrassed about being in bulky diapers as a 4 year old, but now expectations were clear and I didn’t get in trouble for using my diapers.  Accidents were no more, because I was back in diapers and everyone was relieved.  The stress due to my accidents went away and I became very comfortable and at peace being in diapers again.  Over time, I grew attached to them and liked the security and comfort they provided me.  I also liked the extra attention that came with diaper checks and changes.  I liked my diapers and remained in them until I was 5 and a half and ready to start kindergarten.  My mom potty trained me again that summer just before school started, but continued keeping me in those plastic backed trainers during the day and diapers at night.  I wanted my diapers back  and got my wish from time to time when I was diapered after an accident - which was my mom’s rule.  Start the day in trainers, but have an accident in them, finish the day in diapers.   I didn’t mind this rule at all, and although embarrassing at times, it meant going back to the security and comfort of what I needed.

I was forever attached to diapers and as an adult I eventually discovered the ABDL lifestyle which was like coming home to me.  It was the failure to potty train that led me to why I am an ABDL today.  I completely relate NewGuy’s experiences and am prove of his hypothesis stated above. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I think a lot of what you said NewGuy20, was very interesting, and well thought out. I’m guessing, it’s somewhat of a relief to you, to be able to, look back and have something you are sure, is reason why do do what you do, and enjoy it.  For so many of us, it is a perplexing mystery. I include myself, in not ever completely knowing the why. I have some clues, and speculations, but I don’t think I will ever be able to point to a certain thing, or time. It would be nice, but after almost 54 years, I’m okay with where I’m at in this. 

I read what you said, and many things, I can draw some parallels to. I was always pretty smart, but I had a terrible time at school. Oh, I had plenty of tests, and people try to figure out why I was having problems, but nothing ever came of them. Mostly, I was told, I just never applied myself. Like I enjoyed, the terrible hard times I was going through at school, right! I can go on about some of the things I experienced, but some other time. What was important for me to say, was I can understand some of what you are saying, and have some of the same experiences. I was never diagnosed with having a learning disability, but perhaps I did, and do. I think they, back at the time, just weren’t smart enough to know what it was. 

Link to comment

I can definitely relate to the potty training struggles.  I don't remember being diapered much of the time, but I know it happened at least one time.  Along with an emotional immaturity.   I started Kindergarten just after my 6th birthday, because I wasn't emotionally ready.    I literally just out of diapers, and still needed speech therapy.

But once I was potty trained, I didn't have any other issues with the toilet.  I didn't wet the bed and didn't have accidents.   However, even by five I knew there was a desire to be put back in a diaper.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...