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My Husband is an AB/DL


DaycareDaddyEdm

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Oh where to begin.. My husband is 13 years my junior (24/37)and we have been married for 2 years, together for 5. After being married for a year, he came out to me as an AB/DL.

Since then it seems like his sexual appetite has doubled. I've taken to the web to learn more about what he is going through and have had many successes with him. We do all sorts of little activities that wouldn't be necessary if it were two adults doing the same task. I've been gamifying nearly everything from pats on the head for remembering to wash hands before dinner all the way to disciplining him when he's being bad.(I have issues with physical abuse so this was a hard one for me to get over. Now I kind of enjoy it a little bit.) He wants to kick it up a notch and spend sometimes an hour or more, sometimes three hours with me indulging his 'litte side'. 

So this is where I start to get upset. I've just spent all day gamifying every little experience for you, I'm already worried that I'm not doing a good enough job, but when I am tired and just want to lie in bed... I don't want to have to spend 2-3 hours of buildup. We've been up all evening gaming and watching TV, so now that I want to sleep you all of a sudden want to have play time. Where was all this energy hours ago when we were awake?

Anyhoo, he's talking about making a 24/7 transformation to living the AB/DL lifestyle. I'm absolutely fine with that as I used to working a daycare - I can handle this. So when it comes time for dinner time, I'll ask him if he's washed his hands. He'll say no, so we'll go into our routine little-moment, and when it escalates to me taking a stand and saying he can't have dinner unless he washes his hands... he gets upset with me and tells me he's not in the mood right now or, I'm not in that mindset right now. So then we don't talk all night.

The next morning I usually wake up to him all sad and depressed. We go on a pity trip about how sorry he is and how he can't even look at me because all he sees is pain and damage and he hates that he's causing it. Yah, yah, yah.. talk is cheap, I say. If you really care then you'll work on treating me better. He says he'll do better and it doesn't get better. He spends hours online on his Instagram and Tumblr (I feel invisible during this time) telling all his followers about how happy he is and what a fantastic life he has. His followers tell him how lucky he is to have me, but when we're not seeing eye to eye on diapers as it pertains to sex... he tells me that he wishes he had someone who could understand it on his level. He threatens to leave and Everytime he does, I feel broken and a failure as a caregiver and as a husband. I love him dearly and would never leave him or judge him for this lifestyle but Everytime he threatens to leave, it makes me less and less sad.

Any thoughts you guys have would be amazing.

Side notes to consider: I struggle with anxiety and my meds make it very difficult to get/keep an erection. Usually getting me off requires a solid 15-20 minutes of focus. During these times, either his phone is going off, he's readjusting his diaper, or he's sighing because of the discomfort his leg/arm/whatever is positioned. My anxiety will get ahold of that and 10 seconds later I'm flaccid again and hubby is angry and feeling like a failure about how bad of a partner he is. And another pity trip starts again.

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This made me really sad to read.

You are clearly going above-and-beyond in your role as a daddy, but it's clear you have a limit to how long you can perform in that role. Him expecting you to play daddy 24/7 is unrealistic to the level that he wants. Even if you feel you can handle it given your daycare experience, do you really want taking care of your fully-able husband to be your full-time job?

But the most worrying thing about this is that he's not bending and turning a conversation about how he was in the wrong into how bad he feels about the situation. That along with threatening to leave you whenever you disagree... I really hate to say this, but this is abuse, and you shouldn't tolerate it. A marriage is not the same as a parent-child relationship, and he has to grow up and realize this. I wouldn't blame you at all if you decided to leave at some point in the future. You didn't marry him for this, and him pushing this on you is not healthy behavior.

Honestly, I do hope you two manage to work it out, but it's clear to me that you have to sit him down, tell him how you feel, and not let him twist it around into making it about him being the victim. He needs to realize he's hurting you and be willing to work with you so that your connection both in marriage and as baby and daddy is stronger. Otherwise, it's just going to get worse.

Best wishes.

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15 hours ago, DaycareDaddyEdm said:

Oh where to begin.. My husband is 13 years my junior (24/37)and we have been married for 2 years, together for 5. After being married for a year, he came out to me as an AB/DL.

Since then it seems like his sexual appetite has doubled. I've taken to the web to learn more about what he is going through and have had many successes with him. We do all sorts of little activities that wouldn't be necessary if it were two adults doing the same task. I've been gamifying nearly everything from pats on the head for remembering to wash hands before dinner all the way to disciplining him when he's being bad.(I have issues with physical abuse so this was a hard one for me to get over. Now I kind of enjoy it a little bit.) He wants to kick it up a notch and spend sometimes an hour or more, sometimes three hours with me indulging his 'litte side'. 

So this is where I start to get upset. I've just spent all day gamifying every little experience for you, I'm already worried that I'm not doing a good enough job, but when I am tired and just want to lie in bed... I don't want to have to spend 2-3 hours of buildup. We've been up all evening gaming and watching TV, so now that I want to sleep you all of a sudden want to have play time. Where was all this energy hours ago when we were awake?

Anyhoo, he's talking about making a 24/7 transformation to living the AB/DL lifestyle. I'm absolutely fine with that as I used to working a daycare - I can handle this. So when it comes time for dinner time, I'll ask him if he's washed his hands. He'll say no, so we'll go into our routine little-moment, and when it escalates to me taking a stand and saying he can't have dinner unless he washes his hands... he gets upset with me and tells me he's not in the mood right now or, I'm not in that mindset right now. So then we don't talk all night.

The next morning I usually wake up to him all sad and depressed. We go on a pity trip about how sorry he is and how he can't even look at me because all he sees is pain and damage and he hates that he's causing it. Yah, yah, yah.. talk is cheap, I say. If you really care then you'll work on treating me better. He says he'll do better and it doesn't get better. He spends hours online on his Instagram and Tumblr (I feel invisible during this time) telling all his followers about how happy he is and what a fantastic life he has. His followers tell him how lucky he is to have me, but when we're not seeing eye to eye on diapers as it pertains to sex... he tells me that he wishes he had someone who could understand it on his level. He threatens to leave and Everytime he does, I feel broken and a failure as a caregiver and as a husband. I love him dearly and would never leave him or judge him for this lifestyle but Everytime he threatens to leave, it makes me less and less sad.

Any thoughts you guys have would be amazing.

Side notes to consider: I struggle with anxiety and my meds make it very difficult to get/keep an erection. Usually getting me off requires a solid 15-20 minutes of focus. During these times, either his phone is going off, he's readjusting his diaper, or he's sighing because of the discomfort his leg/arm/whatever is positioned. My anxiety will get ahold of that and 10 seconds later I'm flaccid again and hubby is angry and feeling like a failure about how bad of a partner he is. And another pity trip starts again.

This honestly is quite normal in my experience with talking with people who live the lifestyle with a significant other.  I know in my realtionship my wife had to bend a lot more than I did to accept me as a sissy baby girl who wears diapers permanently.  Unfortunately as littles we have tendancy to be very selfish.  Just like a baby we want our needs to come before everyone elses.  It takes a strong and very loving partner to both deal with this and try and set boundries.

Littles also experience ups and downs and binge and purge cycles constantly.  One minute you are in a diaper and the next minute you are not.  This was really hard for my wife to both roleplay and also the thoughts in her mind.  Is my husband a man today or a babygirl?  Once we decided I would be a full time diaper wearer a lot of these issues went away. 

Communicate your feelings to him and explain he is hurting you.  It seems a lot of what you discussed may be able to be worked out through talking about it.  In my personal experience my wife sacrificed more of her feelings for me to live this lifestyle because she loved me so much.  Love found a way.  

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1 hour ago, MarkSmith said:

Littles also experience ups and downs and binge and purge cycles constantly.  One minute you are in a diaper and the next minute you are not.  This was really hard for my wife to both roleplay and also the thoughts in her mind.  Is my husband a man today or a babygirl?  Once we decided I would be a full time diaper wearer a lot of these issues went away. 

If you're suggesting that He go along with his husbands wishes in an attempt to "fix" their relationship, I disagree wholeheartedly! That's like a dating couple who are having relationship problems & think getting married will somehow fix them! No!

I'm no relationship expert by any means, but I agree with minachan16. You need to take a step back. Not plunge headfirst into the deep end. Just because it worked for MarkSmith doesn't mean it's a good idea for you.

I know if I were married, the worst; absolute Worst thing my spouse could do is threaten to leave me whenever she was mad. I would rather she woke up every morning and hit me with a frying pan! What he is doing is NOT OKAY!!!!! And you need to deal with it for good before you go any further with this. Otherwise I honestly think you'd be happier without him.

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4 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

If you're suggesting that He go along with his husbands wishes in an attempt to "fix" their relationship, I disagree wholeheartedly! That's like a dating couple who are having relationship problems & think getting married will somehow fix them! No!

I'm no relationship expert by any means, but I agree with minachan16. You need to take a step back. Not plunge headfirst into the deep end. Just because it worked for MarkSmith doesn't mean it's a good idea for you.

I know if I were married, the worst; absolute Worst thing my spouse could do is threaten to leave me whenever she was mad. I would rather she woke up every morning and hit me with a frying pan! What he is doing is NOT OKAY!!!!! And you need to deal with it for good before you go any further with this. Otherwise I honestly think you'd be happier without him.

I absolutely did not suggest anything.  A decision has to be made either way.  The reality is a lot of us can not change who we are.  I know I could not.  If that is the case then their partner has a choice to make.  Does he accept that or leave.  Just as the baby in the relationship can decide to change as well.  This is all highlighted in the following post I wrote.

Once again I am not suggesting what worked for me will work for him.  I am simply stating be prepared that you may not be able to change who your partner is and if so you will have a tough decision to make.

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A partnership is half-and-half, and that's not happening here, Unless that can be restored I don't see much hope for the future :( Now admittedly I'm not AB and mostly only interested in the aesthetic aspects of it. And just to have done it, I would like from a few hours to maybe a weekend as an AB. But I'm also realistic and I know that I need my freedom to choose and to do what I wish. Real babies get none of that- every choice and every aspect of their life is decided by their caretaker. Whoa, you get more freedom than that in jail :P Lets be realistic- darn few people could handle that- so let's understand that for most this is a limited experience or limited in timeframe :rolleyes: Thus we set the limits where we want them and there's nothing wrong with that ;)

Notice I said "we", not "me", so we're back to a partnership along with it's inherent equality. Your wants and needs are as important as theirs, no more and no less, and without that balance the relationship will fail. If anyone's needs aren't being filled the relationship will fail. There has to be honest communication and honest efforts made to achieve that or the relationship will fail. And right now this is a failing relationship :crybaby:

It's time to sit down and have the big talk about needs and limits and get those worked out to both of your satisfaction B) If that can't happen it's time to discuss how the break-up will occur. Everyone should have happiness, and if your current partner can't be in that picture that's their problem- somewhere out there in this world there is somebody who can be there, and who wants your happiness as much as their own. I sincerely hope y'all can work things out but be ready for that not happening.

Bettypooh

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i agree totally with what mina and betty have to say. balance is the key to success in this type of relationship.   To all the ab's out there.. you have to remember your spouse has needs too.. make sure you are meeting their needs as well.. the word of the day is BALANCE.. make sure you are doing the adult stuff you need to be doing as well.. your spouse didn't marry a toddler and I know for a fact, they get tired after a while too.. make sure you do romantic things for your spouse and perhaps you will get special things in return.

:baby-waving-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon:

 

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I only have one thought to add. The age difference might (possibly not but who knows) have something to do with life priorities (I am normally good at finding the right word but here I might be failing) and that might be getting in the way.

I talk a little from current experience because my really good friend (who happens to be a girl) who I am sort-of dating (depending on your definition of a date) is 17 years younger than me and clearly a millennial. It certainly keeps me learning though and keeps concepts fresh (and I'm not talking about anything in particular right now)

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Hey all. I just thought I'd chime in with a bit of an update. The last time I posted, things weren't going well and I was sure that my marriage was over. 

The Reader's Digest version of our progress is that hubby has said he will seek help to deal with his underlying anger issues towards his bio-Dad. I'll consider it a step if he actually attends an appointment. We've addressed what his 24/7 transformation would look like and what I'm willing to do and what has to wait. I've found a way to incentivise things around the house to include 'little time' as a reward, and it's been working nicely. 

Thank you so much for all your feedback. It helped for him to hear others in the community advising me that I may need to leave. It shook something inside him I think.

I'll update more in a while and see if things slide back or if we progress more.

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Good to hear that things are getting sorted out.

Building a relationship is a lot like building a skyscraper. The foundation must be solid and as each new level is reached, the things which keep it standing must be done well and carefully so that more can be built on top of it. If later on something underneath is found to be lacking in strength, it must be fixed before building more or the whole thing may collapse. Which is the usual outcome for those who neglected to do it this way. So take the time and make the effort to get each thing right before moving upward. Move forward slowly and carefully then in the end your relationship will soar beautifully and strongly to heights you never imagined it could reach and it will only continue to get better as it goes :thumbsup:

Bettypooh

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Just another update for you all. The marriage is over.

In April 2018 he was arrested for possession of child pornography. His lifestyle has progressed so much in such a small amount of time and I respect myself too much to just go along with things and try to make the best of it. Maybe when he's out of jail in 5 years we can try to talk but I doubt he or I will be the same person in 5 years.

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24 minutes ago, DaycareDaddyEdm said:

Just another update for you all. The marriage is over.

In April 2018 he was arrested for possession of child pornography. His lifestyle has progressed so much in such a small amount of time and I respect myself too much to just go along with things and try to make the best of it. Maybe when he's out of jail in 5 years we can try to talk but I doubt he or I will be the same person in 5 years.

O_O

Serves him right, tbh.  ABDL/Little stuff has NOTHING to do with child porn. (If anything we are more against it than most communities).

Please do yourself a favor and don't try to talk to him in the future.  From what I've read of your story, you are so much better than him and you deserve a man who will treat you properly.

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As far as any marital relationship with this guy goes, forget him! He is damaged goods. He needs professional help, and from a professionals only. That is, if he wants to, and can, turn his life around, once he has served his term. I don’t believe, he will ever be any good to himself, or anyone. Maybe, much later, if by some miracle, he is trying to put things back on the rails, and you find you still have the wish to, you can lend him some support. But, I would still not become re-involved with him in any other way! 

Do forget about this broken person, and find yourself someone else. You deserve better. 

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On 12/19/2018 at 1:05 PM, DaycareDaddyEdm said:

he was arrested for possession of child pornography.

There's the end of it in a nutshell. Molesters and CP addicts never really get over it any more than alcoholics do, and probably less. At best they modify their external behavior to hopefully prevent being caught again but inside they're still the same. They will have the same thoughts as they always had when triggered. Personally I don't think external behavior modification is enough here; what's really needed is to physically prevent any possible action or behavior. If that can't be done then they should be forever removed from society.

I'm sorry that it ended this way. Best now to forget about that one- nobody can do well with a loser dragging them down constantly, so cut your losses completely and go on with your life.

Bettypooh

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