Just... everything.

[Denube]

So yeah. I've known I've had PTSD for a while.

It's something that someone had to tell me (a therapist), and even now I just don't feel like I've got it, mostly because there's never been a moment in my life where this particular demon wasn't just over my shoulder. 

I'm 31 years old.

This shit just... drags on me. Yeah, I've got the symptoms. Not all of them for sure, but enough for a solid diagnosis.

I need someone in my life who's there, who will dig through the miles of emotional scarring from years of physical, emotional, and possibly sexual (don't know because I can only recall a single event and even that one is fuzzy) abuse. The problem is I can't stand to let people that close because of the scarring. It hurts for people to be close to me.

It terrifies me when people even want to hug me. I just... can't deal with it at times.

I want attention. I want to be left alone. I want contact with another human being, but the same thing sends me into massive panic attacks.

I need the love and support of another person, but I won't be able to let them give it to me.

I can't. Because the last time I had people who were supposed to be loving and supportive, they beat me. They threatened me. They belittled me and criticized every little thing I did right down to attempts to clean things.

I'm just... broken. I don't have all the pieces, and the ones I do have don't fit together. I need the glue to salvage myself, but have no way to pay for it.

I just needed to get this off my chest, hopefully to people who won't judge.

[Wannatripbaby]

Nobody here is going to judge you. This is a safe space. For everyone & anyone.

I can't say I've had any personal experience with what you're going through. That's not to say I don't have problems, but mine aren't nearly as serious as yours (at the moment.)

But I have helped multiple members of this community before. I won't name any names, but I talked one guy out of committing suicide & helped another through an existential crises. I have this strange knack for helping people.

So, while It may not be nearly enough, if you ever want someone to talk to shoot me a message. I promise you I won't judge you. I'm about as open-minded as they come. And I want to help you if there's ever anything I can do. You're not alone. Not if you don't want to be.