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It's the silly things....


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I'm doing okay, know that. I just decided to try and stop posting about death in the "fun" forums lol.

 

It's the little things that set me off about my Dad's death. The most common is grocery shopping. I turn down an aisle and "Milo's tea... I should get some for..... fuck" down another aisle and even though I should be on guard... "His favorite crackers are back in.... fuck."

The other day I cried in my car at a gas station because I made it half way from the pumps to the store before i remembered that it no longer mattered if that's the store with the Cherry 7up in plastic bottles he liked.

It's so silly... but it's not. Our brains get trained to think of things for the people we care about, and mine still has a "favorites" list that get's pulled up when I see things he liked.In a way it's special memories that remind me that how special he was, the man who didn't come into my life until I was 17, but was still more of a father than my birth day who I've only talked to once, and the first step-dad who was around for 10 years... of abuse.

Louis was an honest to goodness "Good" person and was there for me when I really needed it. He wasn't a hugger, or one for saying mushy things. But he took care of mom and me to the best of his ability, even when we didn't yet understand why the "best of his ability" seemed like it wasn't his best.

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I understand this so much. I’ve recently been dealing with my first family death. My grandfather passed away recently. We knew it was coming but it kinda happened quick. 

I got my all my Christmas cards from my relatives and usually I just kinda read them and then they sit around on my shelf until the next holiday. But when I had the stack and opened the one from my grandparents (I didn’t know who it was from until opening it) I cried simply because his name was still signed there. I knew it wasn’t his writing but still. 

Death sucks. It honestly does. And even when you think you’re better and in a good place, small things come back to hit you like a ton of bricks. Imo that’s worse than the initial mourning. 

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Memories are treasures and anchors. They can be hard to sort out which is which. Which to hold onto and which to let go of. At times like this you're too deeply affected to make those decisions well so you just go on as best you can till this part has more completely passed. When people get into our hearts they become a part of us. When they leave our life those holes can never be completely filled. It's something we have to learn to live with. I survive my own grief by holding on to all the good which was while letting the rest slowly slide away. And yes. it's the small and simple which has the greatest effect because it is so normal that we don't recognize it until we're in the middle of it.

Life is about change and this is a big change for you. It will take time and the holes will always be there but you can go on and in time the pain and memories will become more tolerable. It never gets easy and it never gets easier, you only get more used to dealing with it. Just keep going and stop to regroup as you need to. In each door closing another opens.

Be well and hang in there- it will get better in time. Take strength from those of us who care about you, for our turn to do that will come as well. Together we can manage.

Bettypooh

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