humiliation Baby Care Class (remixed)

[PinkTheDinosaur]

3 hours ago, redwelch2222 said:

I geet were you were coming from, but it could have been executed a bit better. it seemed like you were a bit rushed. its good but I still prefer the other ending.

ya, sorry... I'm going to be busy for a while and I really wanted to finally finish this story. guess the quality really shows... but I'm not going to worry too much about it.^.^ I still have the other ending which is still better and I was still able to do what I wanted and give this story an ending ^.^

 

6 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I didn't really like this ending. I mean, "she found a doctor who severed the nerves in his spine making him paralyzed." How did she find a doctor who was willing to do that?!?! That is a bit beyond plausible to me.

And as for the sex change operation, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than a simple surgery. I person has to go through hormone therapy & stuff like that before it can be done. And the idea that Jen could have all that done to him while he was unconscious is far beyond anything I'm willing to believe.

Mr. Bunny showing up at the end was a nice touch though.

If this had been the only ending I would've been very disappointed. The fact that it's only an Alternate ending is its one and only saving grace. I'm not trying to attack you or anything. You're just starting out; testing the waters; finding boundaries. And you were already confined by the parameters of the original story, so you couldn't give it a happy ending or anything. You're options were limited as far as what you could do & what you were willing to do.

All in all, dispite this ending, you've done a very good job with this story. There should be more aspiring authors like you willing to take an unfinished work & refine it into something great. I look forward to seeing what that brilliant Dino-brain comes up with in the future.

ya, this ending was supposed to be a bit more out there. basically, i wanted it to be no matter what William chose, Jen would always end up with her baby girl. this chapter was just too rushed...

I always loved those surprise endings and since a lot of people liked Mr.bunny (i don't know why ~.^) i thought it would make a good twist at the end. probably one of the few things I like about this chapter.

I'm still glad you liked the other ending ^.^ I knew from the beginning I didn't want to give it a real happy ending since that would contradict the flow of the entire story thus far. but I did like the challenge of trying to remake an already existing half-finished story and make it a bit better with an ending.

I think I might do this again with a few more unfinished works. maybe some that are a few years old that were just abandoned like this one. if anyone has any suggestions I would love to know! ^.^

[Flaresnare]

Okay after having read through this entire story and having actually gotten to read the original ( before it was taken down along with wndash's other stories,) I wanted to share my thoughts on the story , especially sense you took the time to actually re-write it. so here I go, oh and just a heads up, this may be a bit long. lol

 

Now Firstly, I do enjoy a story with some themes of humiliation, forced regression and even femininization, ( mainly when I'm in the mood for them )  it was what originally drew me toward the original, even though that story could get a bit extreme for my taste, which yes this one also did as well in some parts, it at least it however doesn't go to the levels of the Original,  but looking back,the original I really didn't see as a very well written story and this version while I admittedly do have some issues with it, ( I'll get to later ) still did quite a lot to improve upon that story, which are certainly worth mentioning first.

 

like here's What I think are the biggest improvements over the original, firstly, the characters , Mainly Jen, going from this crazy one-dimensional bully who tortures William for no reason, to a , still very insane and cruel character, but one who has a motive, a crazy one yes, but a motive at least. that certainly helped the story quite a bit and in a way made things much more personal, I'm almost a bit curious to know how bad her own punishment was that made her resent William so much. 
also speaking of, William was improved a little too, not much but at least he had a bit of back story to him as well and something to sort of explain his condition and I do certainly feel bad for him in this, maybe even more so in this version, sure he was more innocent in original ( not to say this version he was a bad person or anything ) , but the overall tone of it didn't really make me feel much for any of the characters. it does pay when you make your characters actually have some, well, character to them.

 

Secondly the overall flow of the story, where in the original it kind of seemed to not know where it wanted to go ( being just torture after torture ) being full of many potholes and seemed to just be making up its logic as it went along,, this version at least has a more straight forward narrative and somewhat more grounded logic to fallow, sure it's still not the most realistic story, but it at least made itself feel more like piece of flowing literature

 

And the last few, the fact the setting was completely changed from a High school one to a collage one,( which does make it more comfortable to read as well ) and making Jen the sort of be the owner of place and having her the only one to be aware of what's happening to William,. as I recall in the original, she had a bunch of friends helping her and even got most of the school to be aware but none of them did anything about it, all that is certainly what helped improve itself from that version. 

Now, however as I mentioned before, I do still feel there are some issues with this version as well and I'll just say now I know this story is just fictional so it's going to have things that'll push it's realism but these are still things that came to my mind when reading or looking back at it, however, i'm just going state the main things that did stick out to me.
 

So, firstly, I do think there a lot of ways in in which William could of gotten out of his situation or at least could have made more attempts to escape, like example at the daycare, he could have done something like suddenly start acting like he was very sick ( coughing, and doubling over in pain ect  ) or even act like he was choking on something, as either way I'm sure that'd quickly alert and prompt Miss Mare to attempt to remove his pacifier to see what was wrong or even call 911, thus no doubt putting an end to Jen's scheme right there, ( note, I never read the story those characters from that chapter were from, but I'm still guessing that's how most people would react to such a situation  )

Also even though I do think Jen is much better written compared to her original counterpart , I do think that for someone as crazy and clearly unstable as her, ( which seems to be hinted to run in her family ) would have a hard time keeping her appearance as a normal person the way she does for others before something would be said about her , I know crazy people can appear normal when you first meet them but over time, true colours do begin to show ( believe me ) and she's shown not to be very stable with her own mood a few times.
Also her whole revenge plan on william, again it nice she has a motive, but, seeing as her back story happened when she was very young, ( with william only being five ) it does seem a bit of a stretch that she'd be able to prepare everything for him years later when she didn't even seem know him very well or his name at the time, and if she did, would at least have a hard time remembering it all the years after everything she had went through. ( specially his last name if she also learned it ) and I'm not so sure if she could even be aware of his condition at that time either as was never said if it was showing then, yet she still had all things specially prepared for him when he arrived at the collage.

And finally, for me personally the two endings. now it's not just because they both end on a bad ( note, I can accept a bad ending from time to time , though I certainly was rooting for William, and I think a actual " good ending " could have worked out as well ) but because they did push my suspension of disbelief the most out of everything I mentioned, firstly, I'll start with the " bad " end,

while I do think it was more logical to call the cops  as appose to his mother, and can sorta accept the fact he didn't attempt to yell Jen's full name into the phone quickly before she grabbed it, my issue is mainly that Jen just happened to know or find someone who'd have to be as insane as her to perform such a surgical procedure described ( as they did so without even checking with the patient first ) and does open a bunch of questions on the medical elements that do need to go into it . but  what also is a little bit hard to understand is how she also  manages to escape the mental asylum she being held in and obtain and  Mr bunny  ( which I'm sure would have been confiscated as evidence along with all the other stuff she had to torment William. ) and get it too his place just as her whereabouts have gone local on the news ? honestly I felt that this end did seem to be really stretching it the most. 

As for the " Good " ending , while better than the previous, it still does have it's issues, like  with her just happening to know some doctor who doesn't question anything about " sissy "  but mainly it does seem a bit sudden that he'd just snap and regress to the sort of infant mental state the way he did, even for the reason given, I guess it doesn't help that I never been a big fan of mental regression  ( as it sort of seems like killing a person, just not physically )  though I can at least accept it if it has a more backed up reason to it, like brainwashing or even magic ( which wouldn't fit here obviously ) but here it does seem like a bit of a sudden or rushed outcome. 

So then, even with those issues I do have with it, I certainly do still think this version is better written then the original, as I do appreciate how you did take the time to actually re-work and give what was certainly not even an attempt to be cohesive story and give it much more depth and structure. And most of all, an ending, again sure the ending's don't really work for me,  but it is something I can at least again appreciate that fact that you went and did. also I certainly did enjoy many parts of this story( like when Jen did take him out to the park or even the daycare chapter despite what I said on it and I did like most of humiliations he endured ,heh heh   but with that said it is basically my main overall thoughts on this story which had no doubt been an most intriguing and for lack of better words, captivating read. 
 

Edited September 19, 2020 by Flaresnare
adding something

[keith60]

i love your diaper stories

[PinkTheDinosaur]

On 9/17/2020 at 12:15 PM, Flaresnare said:

Okay after having read through this entire story and having actually gotten to read the original ( before it was taken down along with wndash's other stories,) I wanted to share my thoughts on the story , especially sense you took the time to actually re-write it. so here I go, oh and just a heads up, this may be a bit long. lol

 

Now Firstly, I do enjoy a story with some themes of humiliation, forced regression and even femininization, ( mainly when I'm in the mood for them )  it was what originally drew me toward the original, even though that story could get a bit extreme for my taste, which yes this one also did as well in some parts, it at least it however doesn't go to the levels of the Original,  but looking back,the original I really didn't see as a very well written story and this version while I admittedly do have some issues with it, ( I'll get to later ) still did quite a lot to improve upon that story, which are certainly worth mentioning first.

 

like here's What I think are the biggest improvements over the original, firstly, the characters , Mainly Jen, going from this crazy one-dimensional bully who tortures William for no reason, to a , still very insane and cruel character, but one who has a motive, a crazy one yes, but a motive at least. that certainly helped the story quite a bit and in a way made things much more personal, I'm almost a bit curious to know how bad her own punishment was that made her resent William so much. 
also speaking of, William was improved a little too, not much but at least he had a bit of back story to him as well and something to sort of explain his condition and I do certainly feel bad for him in this, maybe even more so in this version, sure he was more innocent in original ( not to say this version he was a bad person or anything ) , but the overall tone of it didn't really make me feel much for any of the characters. it does pay when you make your characters actually have some, well, character to them.

 

Secondly the overall flow of the story, where in the original it kind of seemed to not know where it wanted to go ( being just torture after torture ) being full of many potholes and seemed to just be making up its logic as it went along,, this version at least has a more straight forward narrative and somewhat more grounded logic to fallow, sure it's still not the most realistic story, but it at least made itself feel more like piece of flowing literature

 

And the last few, the fact the setting was completely changed from a High school one to a collage one,( which does make it more comfortable to read as well ) and making Jen the sort of be the owner of place and having her the only one to be aware of what's happening to William,. as I recall in the original, she had a bunch of friends helping her and even got most of the school to be aware but none of them did anything about it, all that is certainly what helped improve itself from that version. 

Now, however as I mentioned before, I do still feel there are some issues with this version as well and I'll just say now I know this story is just fictional so it's going to have things that'll push it's realism but these are still things that came to my mind when reading or looking back at it, however, i'm just going state the main things that did stick out to me.
 

So, firstly, I do think there a lot of ways in in which William could of gotten out of his situation or at least could have made more attempts to escape, like example at the daycare, he could have done something like suddenly start acting like he was very sick ( coughing, and doubling over in pain ect  ) or even act like he was choking on something, as either way I'm sure that'd quickly alert and prompt Miss Mare to attempt to remove his pacifier to see what was wrong or even call 911, thus no doubt putting an end to Jen's scheme right there, ( note, I never read the story those characters from that chapter were from, but I'm still guessing that's how most people would react to such a situation  )

Also even though I do think Jen is much better written compared to her original counterpart , I do think that for someone as crazy and clearly unstable as her, ( which seems to be hinted to run in her family ) would have a hard time keeping her appearance as a normal person the way she does for others before something would be said about her , I know crazy people can appear normal when you first meet them but over time, true colours do begin to show ( believe me ) and she's shown not to be very stable with her own mood a few times.
Also her whole revenge plan on william, again it nice she has a motive, but, seeing as her back story happened when she was very young, ( with william only being five ) it does seem a bit of a stretch that she'd be able to prepare everything for him years later when she didn't even seem know him very well or his name at the time, and if she did, would at least have a hard time remembering it all the years after everything she had went through. ( specially his last name if she also learned it ) and I'm not so sure if she could even be aware of his condition at that time either as was never said if it was showing then, yet she still had all things specially prepared for him when he arrived at the collage.

And finally, for me personally the two endings. now it's not just because they both end on a bad ( note, I can accept a bad ending from time to time , though I certainly was rooting for William, and I think a actual " good ending " could have worked out as well ) but because they did push my suspension of disbelief the most out of everything I mentioned, firstly, I'll start with the " bad " end,

while I do think it was more logical to call the cops  as appose to his mother, and can sorta accept the fact he didn't attempt to yell Jen's full name into the phone quickly before she grabbed it, my issue is mainly that Jen just happened to know or find someone who'd have to be as insane as her to perform such a surgical procedure described ( as they did so without even checking with the patient first ) and does open a bunch of questions on the medical elements that do need to go into it . but  what also is a little bit hard to understand is how she also  manages to escape the mental asylum she being held in and obtain and  Mr bunny  ( which I'm sure would have been confiscated as evidence along with all the other stuff she had to torment William. ) and get it too his place just as her whereabouts have gone local on the news ? honestly I felt that this end did seem to be really stretching it the most. 

As for the " Good " ending , while better than the previous, it still does have it's issues, like  with her just happening to know some doctor who doesn't question anything about " sissy "  but mainly it does seem a bit sudden that he'd just snap and regress to the sort of infant mental state the way he did, even for the reason given, I guess it doesn't help that I never been a big fan of mental regression  ( as it sort of seems like killing a person, just not physically )  though I can at least accept it if it has a more backed up reason to it, like brainwashing or even magic ( which wouldn't fit here obviously ) but here it does seem like a bit of a sudden or rushed outcome. 

So then, even with those issues I do have with it, I certainly do still think this version is better written then the original, as I do appreciate how you did take the time to actually re-work and give what was certainly not even an attempt to be cohesive story and give it much more depth and structure. And most of all, an ending, again sure the ending's don't really work for me,  but it is something I can at least again appreciate that fact that you went and did. also I certainly did enjoy many parts of this story( like when Jen did take him out to the park or even the daycare chapter despite what I said on it and I did like most of humiliations he endured ,heh heh   but with that said it is basically my main overall thoughts on this story which had no doubt been an most intriguing and for lack of better words, captivating read. 
 

Glad you were able to read the original and thank you for your thoughts! OwO 
When I was first getting into reading diaper stories wndash’s stories was one of my first and were a guilty pleasure of mine. When I found out they were abandoned and had some good ideas I thought why not fix it up. This was also my very first attempt at ABDL writing. So I do see where there could be a lot of improvement. (maybe one day ill revamp it again lol.)

For me, while I can enjoy a story that can be nonsensical, I prefer the more grounded types that are more plazable. Because if you can force someone to just drink 5 gallons of milk and they not die from that then how long before you have them drinking from a fire hose? I feel like the torchers had more weight when it was more realistic as you could see yourself as Will a little better. 

Ya, the characters were one of the biggest things I wanted to fix from the original. But i didnt want to go too far. I still wanted Jen to be as crazy as hell. Like a psychotic stocker. One that only focuses on one person. But also a give a reason as to why she picked Will besides him being small.
I think the main problem with the original Will is that he was just “the victim” almost imiditly torchered without any character build up. Or much at all. We learned he had a friend who was also small but that’s about it.

Ya, the original writer had a problem of just writing whatever crossed their mind even if it didn’t really make sense in the long run. (i also got annoyed whenever they changed the name of the story in a random chapter so it became hard to find at times.) so I took all the ideas, keep the more important parts, and just added the structure it needed to be a much better story. Also trimming some of the unnecessary stuff like Jen’s friends who didn’t really do much at all.

I changed it to a collage because I thought that would make more scenes and a Lot easier to write around some of the bigger problems with the original. The biggest problem was figuring out how to keep Will in the school. The original basically was they Jen found the one storage closet that was never used to keep him tied up. With Jen owning the school, it was more plazable she could wall off a section of the school for her privet use without much suspicion. And keep Will a much better secret. I also had the same problem with everyone knowing what was happening to will but not doing anything. I could understand a few dicks, but the whole school picking on one small person? There would be at least one person to stand up for them. 

I agree, Will probably could have gotten out of that one easily. It was my first story and didnt realy see that problem at the time. (i realy recommend you read Be good for mommy. Its very good, especially the ending! The writer of that story inspired me to start writing for myself.)

It’s really hard to write crazy. I was also trying to keep it more in line with the original when I could. I dont think I could really fix her very much as i think this works for her a bit more. She is a simple type of crazy that is easy to understand for a lot of people
But i do agree the back story could use a little more work. 

The two endings come down to me knot knowing what to do with the ending but also wanting to do something special. I also didnt feel a good ending would have happened if the original writer actually finished the story. Hence why i wrote them both as negative endings but with a good/bad outcome. And admittedly i hate the Bad ending. I also found it very stupid later on and deleted it from the other sites. I dont know how to do it on DD so its the only site that still has it. 

I actually disagree with the snapping part. Put enough strain and presser on someone and eventually they just snap. For will, it came from all the torcher but finally having one way out, just for the one person you were sure would save you to suddenly tell you to fuck off.that type of stuff can make anyone snap and do anything. Including turning himself into the Sissy Jen was treating him as in a way to cope with what’s going on around him.

At least that’s what I was going for.

Some stories have potential even if they are a mess. I saw the potential and I decided to give it a try. Maybe one-day ill rewrite it again now that I have a lot more writing experience then I did back then.
 

[Flaresnare]

On 9/20/2020 at 4:43 AM, PinkTheDinosaur said:

Glad you were able to read the original and thank you for your thoughts! OwO 
When I was first getting into reading diaper stories wndash’s stories was one of my first and were a guilty pleasure of mine. When I found out they were abandoned and had some good ideas I thought why not fix it up. This was also my very first attempt at ABDL writing. So I do see where there could be a lot of improvement. (maybe one day ill revamp it again lol.)

For me, while I can enjoy a story that can be nonsensical, I prefer the more grounded types that are more plazable. Because if you can force someone to just drink 5 gallons of milk and they not die from that then how long before you have them drinking from a fire hose? I feel like the torchers had more weight when it was more realistic as you could see yourself as Will a little better. 

Ya, the characters were one of the biggest things I wanted to fix from the original. But i didnt want to go too far. I still wanted Jen to be as crazy as hell. Like a psychotic stocker. One that only focuses on one person. But also a give a reason as to why she picked Will besides him being small.
I think the main problem with the original Will is that he was just “the victim” almost imiditly torchered without any character build up. Or much at all. We learned he had a friend who was also small but that’s about it.

Ya, the original writer had a problem of just writing whatever crossed their mind even if it didn’t really make sense in the long run. (i also got annoyed whenever they changed the name of the story in a random chapter so it became hard to find at times.) so I took all the ideas, keep the more important parts, and just added the structure it needed to be a much better story. Also trimming some of the unnecessary stuff like Jen’s friends who didn’t really do much at all.

I changed it to a collage because I thought that would make more scenes and a Lot easier to write around some of the bigger problems with the original. The biggest problem was figuring out how to keep Will in the school. The original basically was they Jen found the one storage closet that was never used to keep him tied up. With Jen owning the school, it was more plazable she could wall off a section of the school for her privet use without much suspicion. And keep Will a much better secret. I also had the same problem with everyone knowing what was happening to will but not doing anything. I could understand a few dicks, but the whole school picking on one small person? There would be at least one person to stand up for them. 

I agree, Will probably could have gotten out of that one easily. It was my first story and didnt realy see that problem at the time. (i realy recommend you read Be good for mommy. Its very good, especially the ending! The writer of that story inspired me to start writing for myself.)

It’s really hard to write crazy. I was also trying to keep it more in line with the original when I could. I dont think I could really fix her very much as i think this works for her a bit more. She is a simple type of crazy that is easy to understand for a lot of people
But i do agree the back story could use a little more work. 

The two endings come down to me knot knowing what to do with the ending but also wanting to do something special. I also didnt feel a good ending would have happened if the original writer actually finished the story. Hence why i wrote them both as negative endings but with a good/bad outcome. And admittedly i hate the Bad ending. I also found it very stupid later on and deleted it from the other sites. I dont know how to do it on DD so its the only site that still has it. 

I actually disagree with the snapping part. Put enough strain and presser on someone and eventually they just snap. For will, it came from all the torcher but finally having one way out, just for the one person you were sure would save you to suddenly tell you to fuck off.that type of stuff can make anyone snap and do anything. Including turning himself into the Sissy Jen was treating him as in a way to cope with what’s going on around him.

At least that’s what I was going for.

Some stories have potential even if they are a mess. I saw the potential and I decided to give it a try. Maybe one-day ill rewrite it again now that I have a lot more writing experience then I did back then.
 

Oh yeah No problem, When I read ABDL literature I love to be able to give my thoughts if I can, especially if a story does manage to captivate me enough ( instead of just saying if I liked it or not ), I like to give my detailed thoughts on a story, with what I both loved and think didn't work, but with that said I must also say this wasn't a bad job for a first attempt as a story as you say it is.
Also as to what you say about Wndash's stories, despite that I did think they could  push it on the realism factor and some did get a little disturbing at times. I can understand seeing them as Guilty pleasure, as I do think they did have some interesting Ideas that could have worked better with more time and structure put into them. ( as your remake certainly shows it ) and there are a few stories I was actually wanting to see be continued by them just to see where it'd go ( like their daycare story  ) 

But I agree, the original was pushing it a bit much on just what William could endure. as there was a lot of scenarios that he could have ended up being dead from,  like drowning, and suffocation could have accrued quite a few times but never became an issue.  ( I'll Give Wndash some credit, they did know how to get creative some of their tortures though .) Your story did make things feel a bit more real, so that's why I did actually feel a bit more worried and bad for William as I felt there would be more serious outcomes to what he was put through. 

As for your characters, I can understand the trouble of it trying to stick close to the source material but still wanting to add to it as well to help improve. you certainly did do a good enough job, with stories it's important I feel to make people  understand or hate a character for good reasons. And not just with writing ABDL literature but writing any story in general, and you removing some characters really did help, the whole will's short friend seemed really unnecessary, and opened a major plot hole where he decides to call him instead of his parents or the police, which after Jen captures him too only to later let him go, she warns him that if he tells anyone about this, she'll bring him back and torture him just like will, which makes no sense as that threat carries no weight once he was set free but he never does say anything. 

But yeah the problem with the original was it had no clear route in which it seemed to want to take, as you mentioned about W2 changing the name of the title,( to simply " Baby Girl " ? instead ) I think it had to do with them actually changing the whole setting of the story halfway through, when Jen decided to adopt Will and move him into her house with all her friends and drop out of school entirely ( did she not have parents or something ? ) 

Also yeah again I think the collage setting and her being the owner  was a good choice, and probably one of the bigger improvements, so it can have it she could easily keep Will stashed away with out much risk of him being discovered,  though I admit in the beginning It did confuse me as to where Jen's authority in her own school stands ( sense she can make choices for it without question and use it's money and have a special place for her own ( diabolical needs lol ) but also she's being asked by the school ( her own school ) to fill in for a temporary absent teacher which does seem a bit strange to ask someone like her, ( I may be missing something, but it's  something that did pop into my head ) 
but yeah when it came to the original, it didn't make much sense to have everyone be okay with tormenting him, ( specially during the bit where they almost drowned him ) but as you say, a few assholes maybe, but not the entire school. 

And yeah, heh sorry, when it comes to stories of people being in situations they don't want to be in, I tend to think of ways they could have escaped as I read , I do it for all sorts of things and can be common in force regression scenarios, and even though he had a good opportunity to escape a few times, it was still entertaining and a little funny with some of his failed attempts, I do love the running Joke of him not getting noticed for not being a baby ( or a boy ) like when ever someone would just say how cute he looks and poke him on the chest after trying to get their attention ( and his reaction just being " crap " to one of them XD ( And thanks for the recommendation, I'll be sure to go and check out Be Good for Mommy when I can, I am carious to see what kind of story it'd be compared to this in terms of tone, could make the crossover more interesting to look back at..  )

Oh and yeah, in order for the story to work I can see the way you did have Jen be portrayed and  there are tons of other ABDL stories with just cruel or insane characters who never seem to be questioned on their mental stability.)it's just interesting that this story does sorta go more into confirming it and I can see having Jen's more insane characteristics go unnoticed by others when they don't really know her, ( like with miss Mare ) the school though maybe I'd question if they'd check her background and notice her attitude a little, but also Jen does strike me as one who doesn't have any close relatives or friends sense she spends most of her time at the school or just with William ( kinda funny how in the original she was seen as a popular girl XD ) so no one probably has gotten to know her true colours. 


Now as for the Ending, first I must say I really do like the Idea of there being alternate endings, something I think would be neat to see in more ABDL stories,( though I don't think an actual good ending would have been a bad choice or have strayed too far from the original as you already did much to change and improve it, also it would have given a sort of Yin ang yang to the outcome for many readers. ) but still think it was neat you even decided to give it too endings. 

though I can understand you wanting to delete the " Bad " ending, it does push the realism and did seem a bit rushed, ( and personally for me I think it's darker then anything from the original story )  But if I did have to say one good thing about it, is that it sorta does show Jen getting what was coming to her, but also that I kind of see it as a Ironic Justice or turn of events for her. think about it ? 
Jen wanted Will to suffer just as she had, the way her mother made her suffer, so by having to put herself in her mothers place to make will Hurt,, she was basically setting herself up to the same fate, Her mother was stated being unstable just as Jen is shown to be, her mother is said to have been committed for her treatment of her daughter, the same fate that happens to jen for what she did to William, kinds seems like it was Irony showing her the outcome of both ends. ( Idk I just liked to look at it as that ) 

And I can see what you were getting at with the " Good " ending, and in the realm of fiction things like that can fly better I admit, though I still think that him regressing completely was a little bit sudden , as I feel something like that would no doubt have broken his sprits more then his mind, Like he'd probably give up trying to escape and just miserably let Jen do what she wants seeing nothing to fight for. ( but he'd still retain his sanity ) that would though mean he would  probably someday make the attempt too, but he'd probably not see the point to do so for some time, until something inspires him to. but that probably would only drag the story, and this way, he doesn't really have to suffer at least. so I can sorta accept the choice made for it.

But overall, I do think this was still a really good attempt at a first story, specially remaking something that had many issues to it. ( but you are right about the potential thing ) I really think it's neat you decided to do that. and while I think this story is much better then the original,  I admit I'd be carious to see what a revamp could look like, but I still think this is a good attempt to fix a story, I certainly wouldn't mind seeing more stories with similar issues as the original get a similar treatment, be it a wr-write from the original authors or others trying their own hand and giving it re-work. 
But either way I do want to say, this was a good Job, and thank you for taking the time to write it. but also thanks a ton for taking the time to read and respond to my comment, much apricated , also if I may ask, would you be willing to chat maybe some more sometime ? ( messages )  I'd actually be really carious to know your opinions on some things maybe even more regarding this story ? but anyway, just want to say thanks again for your time and response. 

[PinkTheDinosaur]

1 hour ago, Flaresnare said:

O

ya, whenever i read a story i always like to give my thoughts on it. (im just glad i knottiest it when i was checking something else out.) wish i had more time to read more stories.

i think their are a few stories that have been abandoned that have potential that could be remade and fixed. and i don't remember the daycare story.

when it comes to remaking the characters, i wanted to keep them as ture to the original as posable while also adding my own things to the character.

when it comes to her owning the collage, i honestly couldn't think of any other way to properly explan how she could do what she could. at the time at least. i probly could think of something now.

with a lot of my newer stories i do try to think ahead with situations and try not to make as may plot holes.

if you like this, i would recommend reading my story "the little thief" which is a story made for someone's role play. (one that was half deleted dew to a bug with DD a few years ago.)

if you would like to talk, just send me a message. OwO

 

[Flaresnare]

On 9/24/2020 at 1:41 AM, PinkTheDinosaur said:

ya, whenever i read a story i always like to give my thoughts on it. (im just glad i knottiest it when i was checking something else out.) wish i had more time to read more stories.

i think their are a few stories that have been abandoned that have potential that could be remade and fixed. and i don't remember the daycare story.

when it comes to remaking the characters, i wanted to keep them as ture to the original as posable while also adding my own things to the character.

when it comes to her owning the collage, i honestly couldn't think of any other way to properly explan how she could do what she could. at the time at least. i probly could think of something now.

with a lot of my newer stories i do try to think ahead with situations and try not to make as may plot holes.

if you like this, i would recommend reading my story "the little thief" which is a story made for someone's role play. (one that was half deleted dew to a bug with DD a few years ago.)

if you would like to talk, just send me a message. OwO

 

Ah, I see, well I understand,  and again I think you still did a pretty good Job with adding much more depth and structure to this story, while keeping close to the material well enough for it not to stray off,  which Is pretty neat for a first story attempt for sure. and yeah, plot holes can be a problem at times, but when you look at it, every story does have them, ( though sometimes it can be best to just role with them,  sometimes ) and this version certainly does patch up a lot that the original did have at least. so still pretty good for what it did mange to fix.

Also yeah I agree there are a lot of stories out their that left abandoned, too many to count, and a quite a few of those. certainly have some potential . and as for the Wndash's daycare story, to describe it basically, it was about a guy who get's trapped in an abandoned daycare with these little girls who have magic powers. . I'll send you a message more on it if you'd like, and as well as a few other things then I'd like to discuss. thanks.

Oh, and thanks for the recommendation for your story,  I'll make sure to go and check what I can and give my thoughts as well when I do.. 

.