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It's happening again, that feeling of emptiness and loneliness keeps coming back like a bad rash.  Last night I stayed awake thinking about how much of loser I am.  I thought about all the mistakes I've made and how they caused nothing but pain.  About the friends I don't have, the romantic relationship that never existed, the warmth of being embraced that I don't have while lying in a cold bed.  I felt like trash, like I'm only waking up just to live a monotonous life.  I don't want to end my life I just want to disappear from it.   I got up today wondering if I'm actual alive, I certainly don't feel like it.  I don't believe I'll ever take my life though, I know my family cares about me and suicide would devastate them.  It's not the final solution, and I keep telling myself that.  But I'm not sure where to go, I'm lost on a road with no map and so far everywhere I've gone hasn't helped me become who I want to be.  I'm living with my parent's because I can't afford to be on my own (which is probably a good thing).  Life feels like a roller coaster; there are days when I'm up and happy, then there a days when I'm feeling low and depressed.  It feels like the lows have been happening more than I would like.  I've decided not to continue with my degree because it doesn't make me happy, I believe a trade school is a better option for me.  I've wanted a off road truck since I was a kid, but everybody tells me "how expensive they are", "how much fuel they use", "how high the insurance is".  It's like they're telling me not to pursue my goals.  I haven't found a place to belong, I feel like an outcast everywhere I go.  The only time when I feel comfortable is when I'm alone in my own world.  I'm not sure what I'm writing, or if it even makes any sense at all.  I just want to write, to say something to maybe help me feel better.  Why write here I don't know, I'm sure there's other forums to post this but I came here for some reason.  I'm tired, my head feels like it's in a vice, and I want to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere.  I think somethings wrong with me.

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I hope venting here helped. Best to not hold bad things inside until they explode ;) Mistakes are supposed to be painful- that's how us stubborn humans learn things. Don't dwell on them but learn from them instead- that will help you make better decisions later on in life.

You can achieve your desires in life, but that almost always involves compromising something to get something else. Nothing worthwhile in life comes free or easy. When you feel adrift in life and need direction one of the things I've found that can help is to male a lost of your current goals and desires, then for each item make a plan on how you're going to get there. The list is flexible- you aren't "locking in" anything and you can change direction any time you want- then you begin working toward your goals :) When you're feeling down go back and read the list and see the progress you've made. Be sure there are easy-to-reach goals in there- that will help you realize that you can move forward in life.

Being restricted by things beyond your control is just part of life, but being restricted by things you can change us your own fault. We've all got our personal failings but we can always try and we must, for that is what makes life bearable. And you've for a lot of life ahead of you. So make that list and begin working on it. doing anything positive for yourself will make you feel better and you're worth the effort. Look for happiness and smiles wherever you can find them but avoid the things which might get between you and your goals. And when smiles are in short supply then go out and cause them to happen- put a bit of happiness into someone else and it almost always gets returned to you- a win/win situation :D Each new day is another opportunity to make the best of things in order to get closer to your goals, whatever they are. Inactivity gets you nowhere so go out and make things happen the way you ant them to be.

Always remember that you're worth the effort.

Bettypooh

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