Mysterion's new curse - A South Park story

[Little Crusader]

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[Elfy]

I really like the story. It's an interesting take on Kenny and South Park in general. The story seems intriguing and I love the layout, it's very different to what I've seen before and feels like a children's picture book almost.

Very good

[CDfm]

I really enjoyed this story so far to. I have never watched South Park but not being familiar with the show hasn’t taken away anything from the story. I am looking forward to reading more. 

[Little Crusader]

On 24/11/2017 at 3:18 PM, CDfm said:

I really enjoyed this story so far to. I have never watched South Park but not being familiar with the show hasn’t taken away anything from the story. I am looking forward to reading more. 

Oh, thank you  Turns out I dont get notifications for comments

The next chapter should be in a couple of weeks, got the next 2 written up, the art is just taking a bit.

[Little Crusader]

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[Dill_Pickle]

Little Crusader:

Nice story.  Nice art.  The storybook format is definitely unusual for DD.  That's neither good nor bad.  The emphasis and approach is also rather unusual for this site.  May mean that your main audience for this *is not* on DD.  Again, neither good nor bad, just context. 

My english schoolmarm says you need a proofreader; I noticed at least a dozen places where you had homophonic problems that your spell checker seems to turned into  "auto-error"s. Lots of "of"s where there should be "off"s.  "Even with a raise in crime".  It's OK to abuse "proper" english, but it helps to do it consistently and for a purpose.  She also suggests making the chapter breaks clear; the story is getting long and not everyone can read the whole thing all at once.

If Kenny is supposed to be 9, he has some very teenage thoughts, especially the ones about "hot" women.  That thought feels kind of extraneous to the story, remember, kenny is busy being (or trying to be, lol) mysterion, protector of south park.

There's a few choppy points; the big one that stands out is where you say "In the end, I won".  That sentence feels very disconnected -- if it's supposed to be in retrospective from Kenny, it needs some kind of transition to the long story that follows.

"In the place of my normally torn curtains, looked like a perfectly functioning set, with an odd pattern I couldn't make out in the dark".  I'm confused as to what this "set" is. Do you mean TV set?  But then what's the odd pattern?

[Little Crusader]

@Dill_Pickle

Thanks, as for some of the English, most of it is a bit rough and wont be fully edited to till it's all finished. As nice as it would be to have a proper proofreader, I will just have to make do without someone for the job till I find someone I can trust to do it.

Kenny is 9, but those kind of thoughts come from who the character is from his show, do remember that this is a fanfic after all, so thoughts like that are mostly added to better match how the characters things.

As for the Curtains... it's replaced by a new set of curtains.

[Dill_Pickle]

If you do the proofing by differences, you don't have to trust or like the proofreader at all...lol.. I've done the job before.  Just give me a good way to tell you *exactly* where I find the typos.  The schoolmarm, below, is very strict about proper grammar, you may not care that much, maybe Kenny just talks like that.   Stuff not attributed to the schoolmarm is more important.

As to those curtains, you've elided a pronoun, confusing me!

Page #1, last paragraph: "Every chard piece of flesh" --> "Every charred piece of flesh" (chard, as in swiss chard, is a vegetable!)

Page #2, third paragraph: "Still, the curse does serve it's use" --> "Still, the curse does serve its uses" (Schoolmarm doesn't like the grammer, too bad for her -- she might have said have it's uses or serves its purposes.

Page #2, fourth paragraph: it's (it is) and its (possessive of it) are swapped.  towns --> town's.  Yup, the schoolmarm's rules are inconsistent.

Page #3, first paragraph: "My latest adventurer" --> "My latest adventure"

Page #3, second paragraph: "Even with a raise in crime" --> "Even with a rise in crime" .  Lol, the boss never gives Crime a raise!

Page #3, second paragraph:Schoolmarm thinks "besides from crazy drunks" was either "besides crazy drunks" or "aside from crazy drunks".

Page #3, fourth paragraph: "Good thing I didn't"  (With the intervening thought, you've elided "head home")

Page #3, sixth paragraph  "Possibly the worse human" --> "possibly the worst human". Schoolmarm says "coon" is a loaded word, silly dilly says be very careful with it.

Page #3, seventh paragraph "Butter" Stotch --> "Butter" Scotch ?? (I'm not too sure on that one, but Butterscotch makes a bit more sense; I can buy that in the candy store!)

(I can continue this proofreading on page 4 if it helps)

 

[CDfm]

That was another great addition. I almost missed it. With this new formatI had overlooked your comment about adding chapter two. I will have to pay closer attention. 

[Little Crusader]

On 24/12/2017 at 8:31 PM, CDfm said:

That was another great addition. I almost missed it. With this new formatI had overlooked your comment about adding chapter two. I will have to pay closer attention. 

Sorry about that, I'll try and later split it up, add chapter 2 where I said I updated, and just add chapter 3 as a new post as well.

[Little Crusader]

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[CDfm]

Fantastic new chapter. The way things currently are, I can’t help but believe that things are so much better for all concerned. I know that if Chaos continues to regress people, someone will need to eventually try and stop him. But if things just were to remain as they are not, his family is so much better off and happier now.  I am eagerly waiting for the next chapter. 

[PinkTheDinosaur]

finally caught up. so far I really like this story. I've never watched south park as it's not really my type of show. but with how this story is made you don't really need to know anything from the show to understand it. its definitely good and I can't wait to read more ^.^

[Pierry Louys]

Waiting and hopping for the next chapter of this wonderful story

[Little Crusader]

On 27/01/2018 at 6:02 AM, PinkTheDinosaur said:

finally caught up. so far I really like this story. I've never watched south park as it's not really my type of show. but with how this story is made you don't really need to know anything from the show to understand it. its definitely good and I can't wait to read more ^.^

Thank you  Sorry, for whatever reason, this thread doesn't give me notifications when I get a message in it

 

On 05/02/2018 at 4:19 AM, Pierry Louys said:

Waiting and hopping for the next chapter of this wonderful story

Sorry for the wait, I have the next chapter written up, but the art is costly to get done, and I had to focus this month on a 3 page comic instead. I should have chapter 4 ready to be posted next month, and will aim to finish it either next month, or the month after  

[PinkTheDinosaur]

7 hours ago, Little Crusader said:

Thank you  Sorry, for whatever reason, this thread doesn't give me notifications when I get a message in it

 

its fine, and I know. for some reason, you only get notified when its quoted.

[Little Crusader]

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[Pierry Louys]

Very good !! This is a fantastic story ! The only problem that i want to read more !! I just imagine our hero and prof chaos having a diaper change side by side hehehe

[PinkTheDinosaur]

very good chapter ^.^

[Little Crusader]

6 hours ago, Pierry Louys said:

Very good !! This is a fantastic story ! The only problem that i want to read more !! I just imagine our hero and prof chaos having a diaper change side by side hehehe

Thanks, and you won't have to wait as long for the final chapter, should be in a couple of weeks.

[CDfm]

That was great. Very happy to be able to give it a like. You have me very curious right now though, is Professor Chaos his current size as well? I guess we will know soon. I will be looking forward to it. 

[Little Crusader]

1 hour ago, CDfm said:

That was great. Very happy to be able to give it a like. You have me very curious right now though, is Professor Chaos his current size as well? I guess we will know soon. I will be looking forward to it. 

Thank you  

And yeah, that is covered quickly in the next chapter.

[Pierry Louys]

Waiting and hopping for the next chapter of this wonderful story!!! And your new avatar it’s gonna be in the next chapter ???

 

[Little Crusader]

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[Pierry Louys]

Superb finish !!   I knew it that Kenny would love to be a little guy again heheheh ! I hope that someday you write the sequence (maybe showing baby Cartman heheh)