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baby-dandan

Started Cutting:(

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Hello friends,

  Since I have been absent from the group I have lost a few family members and my girlfriend. First, I had been dating a girl who had epilepsy and things were getting quite serious in our relationship. Her name was Cara, I called her my Cara bear:). She would have a few seizures some days but other days not so many. One night, we went out to eat at our local Winger's. Everything was going fine until she suddenly started screaming. She had an implant in her chest which I think was a strong magnet of some type and then another separate magnet that someone would swipe across her chest and sometimes that would stop the seizure but not always. When her seizure started I swiped the magnet from her pocket and run it across her chest but unfortunately that didn't stop it. I had never seen her have a seizure before and I just broke down and cried! Fast forward a few months later, I was at work and a co-worker who was close to the family took me aside and gave me the news that they had to rush her up to a hospital in SLC where they tried to save her but they could not! The seizure was bad enough that it stoped her heart! I broke down and cried right there, she was my everything! I know I will find love again someday, but I will never forget my Cara bear!! This was in 2013.

  2014 wasn't much better! My biological Father passed away at a nursing facility in Palm Spings, California. I wasn't as close to my father as I am my step-dad but wish to hell I had spent more time with him. I now have all these regrets like; why didn't I call him more or why didn't I go to see him more? My mom married my step-dad when I was just little so he has been there for me practically my whole life but I always had a very strong love for my father! I miss him dearly everyday but always to keep his spirit alive with stories and jokes he told!

  Now, the year that was the hardest year of all for me! In 2015 my brother was shot and killed in our driveway. My brother was my best friend, my concert buddy and my protector. He had Bi-polar depression pretty severely which sometimes made him very hard to take. When we were kids at times I didn't know when to "back off"! He could be extremely hyper at times and other times he was in a very fowl mood and when I pushed him too far, I would get the shit kicked out of me! Not a day goes by I don't think about my brother! The many concerts we went to when we were teens or the numerous camping trips we went on! He will forever be in my heart!

  Back to my original topic: Since all this has happened, sometimes I feel like, how am I going to go on without these people in my life anymore! A few times I have sat in my car or drove up to the foothills with a knife or a box cutter I use for work and start making slits on my arm. I don't know what it is but I don't seem to feel any pain at that time. I am sure someone from work has noticed the slits in my arms by now and since then they do not let me use the box cutters. At times, I just question why I'm still here and why do all of us suffer so much? At least I belong to a group of like-minded people who I can relate to. Thanks for listening guys!

 

 

 

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Please know that you are loved by so many people, not only on here but also in your real life. Please feel free to talk to me. I have experienced depression before and I do not want you to hurt yourself. You are a valued individual and are beloved. Please be safe

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Thank you widdlebabyjacky! Knowing that I have friends here means a lot to me! One thing that has helped me get through a lot of dark days is the many loved ones and dear friends that I have. I made my mom a promise a long time ago that I would never go through with it but I still have those thoughts and feelings once in a while. I am going to a psychiatrist and psychologist both and that seems to be helping! I just have to take things one day at a time. If I ever get feeling that way again it is nice to know I can count on my friends here and I will use those resources. Thanks man :)

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You are very brave, feel free to message me if you ever feel this way again, or if you wanna just talk about causal stuff. Take care man *huggles*

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