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Holding Grudges


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Yep! My brother is 46 and still holds grudges about things our mom did when we were little. He accepts no responsibility for the difficulties he caused at the time (getting us kicked out of apartments, getting arrested, etc....) and can't let go of her responses to those situations. Drives me crazy because he brings it up to me often like I'm supposed to defend her or agree with him and all I can think of is how much more I have gone through in life since then, and how I have better things to do than dwell on my own past, let alone his.

It's like, I put up less of a fuss over being sexually assaulted than he does about "that time she got mad at me for stealing her hairbrush!")

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Interesting topic & I agree whole-heartedly about holding grudges especially over petty stuff i.e. what your brother holds onto DailyDi. Some people may say that I hold grudges against my "parents", although these grudges are not over petty stuff that has no effect or bearing on my life now, because they very much do. For me, the stuff I struggle to let go of even after years in therapy, are very big. I try not to dwell on the past which I can no longer change or control, yet when the past still affects you physically, emotionally & mentally even to this day, how are you supposed to let go of it? I have asked the multiple therapists that I have worked with this question & so far I haven't gotten pointed in a particular direction yet. *Sigh*

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Depends on context, it CAN be part of knowing that right is right and wrong is wrong and that is an absolute fact

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Holding a grudge can do two things to a person, one good and another detrimental. Here is an example. I was one of the top people in my old job, however the manager wanted to give a promotion to a friend of his with less seniority and experience. I was in the way. For almost a year he was harassing me, including when I went to the bathroom (never mind other employees were always sneaking out to have a smoke). When that didn't work, he waited until I was on my vacation out of state and loaded up a file of "mistakes" he claimed were made by me (how I could have made them when I was half way across the country is a mystery to me). That was his justification for getting rid of me. Frankly, if I had done a bad job or made the mistakes, I would have agreed on any discipline given to me. This was all just bogus in order to promote his buddy. This messed me up a lot, but less than 2 months later he was fired. It didn't help them that the company lost 2 of my accounts because I wasn't there anymore to handle them. Even though I got a better job with a substantial increase in pay, I still hold a grudge (although not as bad as it used to be). I wish the old manager (who used to be a friend of mine at one time) would have intermittent loss of bladder and bowel control at the most inappropriate times! Standing up to chair a meeting, giving a speech, interviewing for a job, walking down the aisle in church, any place where everyone would be looking at him! Suddenly he'd just wet and mess his pants in front of everyone and be totally embaressed and humiliated! I still think like that to get back at him for what he did, even though he probably regretted it in the end, losing his job and all. I know it's wrong, but for me holding a fantasy grudge like that helps my mental balance as it's one way I have of punishing him in my mind for what he did when he had absolutely no basis for it. Even though he got his in the end, it was not enough as my own name was not openly cleared of making those mistakes he said I did.

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9 hours ago, rusty pins said:

You just never know how deeply something will affect someone base on the situations and their fragile mental state at the time.

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I try not to, but sometimes people push me past my limits, and at that point, I try to balance solving the problem with preserving my mental health.  It's a lot easier said than done, but I try.

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On 10/24/2017 at 1:10 PM, Spokane Girl said:

People might consider I am holding one against one of my

What the ? Was my post edited or did it get wiped out when the forum resettled back to October 25th? 

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1 hour ago, Spokane Girl said:

What the ? Was my post edited or did it get wiped out when the forum resettled back to October 25th? 

I've noticed some weird things with some of my posts as well, so it's probably due to the rollback.  For all I know, DailyDi probably has some backup files that would fix some of this.

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On 6/12/2017 at 6:48 AM, Little Christine said:

Depends on context, it CAN be part of knowing that right is right and wrong is wrong and that is an absolute fact

as someone who could win the gold medal for grudge holding in the olympics, i agree, that and i literally cant let go of grudges, least of all without some sign the one who wronged me has learned better and apologizes to me, even then i might not be able to, for example, my now former stepfather, after what he did, i dont care if he has a come to Jesus moment, comes to us, on his hands and knees, and offers to sign everything over to us, to fix our house at his own cost, it will still take everything i have not to grab my gun, load it, and point it at him, we could both live a million years and the only thing that would change would be the weapon. fortunately for both of us we are at opposite ends of the state and he might not know where to find us, we use a po box instead of a physical address, and he cant stand the idea of lowering himself to admit he was wrong.

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Contrary to what the maudlin and mawkish shay, there is a difference between forgiveness and just "letting go", the former is a process of reconciliation and the latter giving evil or wrong a free pass. To "forgiveness" there is a process of rapproachment

1. Repentance, which comes from the Latin "think [(ponder, consider gravely, etc]  "back [or again]

2. An offer by the guilty party to do something to make amends and to the greatest extent feasible, make up for the wrong. And I'm talking about some serious behaviour here, not just 8 Our Father's and 10 Hail Mary's

3. An agreement by both parties that this would be sufficient. The aggrieved party may not accept the offer and be withing rights. The damagemay have been too deep (we are all individuals and if you victimize someone, you take what you get) or some other thing

4. Absolution: The offense is negated. it is not obliterated, it is like a paid bill, in the recored but settled. One doesnot "forgive and forget". The offender will have dearned his/her place back, or maybe even earned his/her way to a better place

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On 11/3/2017 at 12:15 AM, Spokane Girl said:

What the ? Was my post edited or did it get wiped out when the forum resettled back to October 25th? 

Probably the latter, and it happened to a lot of my posts too.

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