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My Heart is Broken, Love is gone.


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For those that have known me for awhile, over the last 10 or so years. You know that my life has been quite the emotional and financial roller coaster. I have went from happily married to unhappily betrayed of trust, those I thought were friends left and I was alone. Homeless, starving hungry, lost and as close to suicide as one can get.

I have dug deep into my soul, with much help from others, to include the fine members here who helped me through a hard time. I slowly surfaced again and built whatever life I could. As I got my emotional condition more in check I began to engage the public again. In doing so I met my Fiance' (That was a big step, I know). She took all I had from my past, and stood by my side for over a year as we built a new life for each other. She had come from a 20 year relationship (Never married or children) to meeting me. I guess two broken hearts can mend. December 24th of last year I asked her to marry me, she said yes :) . IT was the best Christmas I (or she) had had in many years. 3 or 4 days later we both got the news that she had terminal cancer. But that there might be some help to slow it down. Through many appointments we went to get help. Even though she worked in the medical field, that help was as about as poor as I have seen. I fought and fought to get her insurance to release her from their hospitals to allow her to go to a renowned Cancer Hospital locally. After six months of no real care or treatment, they released her to go to OSU for Chemo and radiation treatments. They aggressively attacked what should have be done 6 months earlier. But it was to late, even though sometimes things looked better the Cancer continued to grow and spread.

My Debbie lost the fight the 24th of October. She awoke tired but speaking with me. I was arranging to get her breakfast Meds and food. Her Sister in law had come over to help her get a bath. Within minutes we noticed something was not right. Deb was turning her head towards the right and her eyes only looked off to the right. She spoke with us normally, but there was something not right. Her right leg began to shake in a tremor. She raised her voice for me to stop doing that, but I wasn't touching her. I came to her side, and checked the muscles that were seizing uncontrollable. I then called for her Nurse that wasn't due till noon. What a nightmare her insurance was! :( Nobody knew anything, I was advised to get her emergency medication pack out and administer a anti-seizure medicine. I waited 15 minutes and no change. I was constantly reassuring Deb that I loved her and I was there and trying to help her. I was advised to give her more Medicine and wait 15 minutes. I then called the Emergency squad as I feared that nobody was coming to help. The squad arrived and assessed her, but due to the nature of the Hospice in place requested to not transport her until family or medical team could arrive. I repeated the medication a third time. And the tremors subsided a bit, but came and went. She was now pretty much unconscious and babbling now and then from the "Happy meds".

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I'm so, so, so sorry to hear of all this Repaid. I can't imagine how hard losing someone like that must be.

I don't want to write empty and cliche phrases. I just hope that in the long run you will be OK.

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So very sorry for your loss Tim. I can not imagine your pain and won't pretend to know the depth of such a loss or how to fix it, but I love you and am here for you if you need anything.

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I have been through a similar situation; my wife of 52 years was diagnosed with cancer in January, and I lost her bit by bit until she died on July 13. It is indeed a difficult thing to go through. I did a lot of my mourning while she was still alive, especially in the last weeks, and I'm pretty well adjusted to living alone. Having a caring family

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Sorry to hear about your beloved!! But I definitely relate to your previous predicaments and being as close to suicidal as one can get!! Can’t even be in little space where I could possibly feel a little bit safer!! Because I don’t have a Mommy! So I am unable to fully regress and be the baby I need to be when I definitely need to!! Homeless hungry most of the time!! Feel like taking my whole bottle of trazodone which is a combined bottle of 2 bottles combined into one bottle!! And never waking up again!! Or just walking and swimming out as far as I can into the ocean and letting the rip tide pull me under!! I have nobody anyways so not like anyone would miss me!! 

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