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I don't even know if i'm getting better or worse anymore


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I went to therapy for 5 months now, because of my social anxiety, co-dependency. The therapist was not much help, he did not address my emotional damage from years of emotional abuse from my father, and he just went on to tell me that i just need to get a job, or go to college, which i feel too stressed to even think about doing right now. I even tried what he told me, and searched for a job, i did not find a job i was capable of doing, and every time i tried, the anxiety, and stress only got worse.

Now my parents are getting a divorce 3 days before Christmas, and my father absolutely refuses to pay child support, because he says that he has provided for them enough, just by taking them to school, which is a ridiculously small amount of support. Since he refuses to pay child support we are going to have to go to court, which is absolutely terrifying to me because of my social anxiety. He also is trying to get custody of my little twin sisters who are both 13, which is causing even more stress, and anxiety because i know he will not emotionally support them, or make sure they are eating right, and i care deeply for my sisters.

I have also been trying to find a relationship, because i just can't deny the feeling that i have, that i would be much happier, and maybe even be able to deal with this better, because i would have emotional support. Yet every time i try, people tell me that i need to get therapy and "Fix," myself first before i even think about a relationship. To me, that would be denying my feelings, because it is very important to me to find someone who i will love, and will love me just as much. It's so important to me that i actually cannot stop thinking about it, not even for a day, i don't know why this is, but all i know is i can't distract myself enough to not worry about it, because it's that important to me.

Also, i have a ton of pressure on me, because we are very poor right now, we are barely paying our bills, and almost had our electricity and gas shut off, and my parents are expecting me to get a job because i am the only one old enough, and not physically disabled, other than my father, which is looking for a job right now. My older sister which is 21 years old, is always on her computer, every single day, all day, and when my mom tried to suggest going to therapy for the issues that she has, she just flipped out, saying she doesn't even want to try getting help for herself. When i heard that, i just felt so angry, and depressed, because i have been giving it my all to try getting better, and get a job. It's like she doesn't even know how stressed i am about it, or just doesn't care. It is just very, very stressful to know that you are basically the only hope of supporting for the family, and then your only sibling that could possibly help, turns their back on you, probably without even realizing it. And she is older than me by almost 3 years.

I am so stressed from all of this, that if my parents even get into a small argument, i get paralyzed from anxiety, and i can't even breath correctly, and then i get really weak, and exhausted afterward. I sometime even start shivering, and can't stop until i calm down.

Honestly, i don't even know how much more i can take, or if I'm going to collapse and die from the stress some day. I don't know what it will take to get better anymore. I'm just very confused, and overwhelmed, yet I'm only 19 years old, and i haven't even been able to get on with my life because of all this. I'm sorry if this is a bit much, or long, but it is all the truth.

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I can't relate to everything that you're going through so I'm really sorry if I say anything that comes off as insensitive. I unfortunately don't have any good advice, but I can say that I can definitely relate to the social anxiety and I also have

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@Mia-Mia I couldn't have explained my feelings about relationships better myself, you pretty much put exactly how i feel about it into words. I'm very grateful that you understand how crippling social anxiety is, and honestly when people say i should fix myself first, it just makes me feel horrible, like I'm not worthy. Don't worry about offending me with that, in fact, it made me feel quite a bit better reading that. I have tried making friends online, but somehow it always ends up dying down, either i run out of things to talk about and don't know what to say next, or they just stop talking to me for some reason, and i always treat everyone with respect as long as they do.

We can be friends if you want to, but i can't guarantee I'll always have something interesting to talk about xD

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5 minutes ago, DiaperedShyBoy said:

@Mia-Mia I couldn't have explained my feelings about relationships better myself, you pretty much put exactly how i feel about it into words. I'm very grateful that you understand how crippling social anxiety is, and honestly when people say i should fix myself first, it just makes me feel horrible, like I'm not worthy. Don't worry about offending me with that, in fact, it made me feel quite a bit better reading that. I have tried making friends online, but somehow it always ends up dying down, either i run out of things to talk about and don't know what to say next, or they just stop talking to me for some reason, and i always treat everyone with respect as long as they do.

We can be friends if you want to, but i can't guarantee I'll always have something interesting to talk about xD

Oh, I'm glad I didn't offend you with anything that I said! Yeah, the reason that I suggested what I did is because I'm used to that same thing happening usually. Like, you talk to someone and they just stop talking to you completely for some reason. Though recently I met someone who I feel I can relate to in a lot of ways and who I have a lot of respect for and I realized that it is

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Yeah, I'm the same way in the forums, i can say pretty much anything i want, but when i am private messaging i have to have something in common or i won't know how to even start a conversation with them. I saw on your profile that you like Japanese culture, that's something we have in common, because they are just so interesting to me. I can't even watch anime in English anymore, because i like their language so much better than ours. I would say that i love playing music also because i have had band class before, and i loved it, but now i can't afford any instruments so i haven't played any for the longest time. I would love to get back into it though, most likely playing violin or piano.

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1 hour ago, DiaperedShyBoy said:

Yeah, I'm the same way in the forums, i can say pretty much anything i want, but when i am private messaging i have to have something in common or i won't know how to even start a conversation with them. I saw on your profile that you like Japanese culture, that's something we have in common, because they are just so interesting to me. I can't even watch anime in English anymore, because i like their language so much better than ours. I would say that i love playing music also because i have had band class before, and i loved it, but now i can't afford any instruments so i haven't played any for the longest time. I would love to get back into it though, most likely playing violin or piano.

Oh cool! Yeah, I prefer watching anime with subtitles (or without if I can, but usually with subtitles) and I also love the language. Piano is fun! Never played violin before though.

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