Really not okay, not managing any more (part vent, part ask for advice, part cry for help)

[ForbiddenFruit]

I posted this on r/asktransgender the other night to some response. still feeling pent up as hell about it.

Hey there. Um...so where do I begin? 23 year old trans girl, 24 in September. Pre-anything. Cerebral palsy and not-formally-diagnosed depression and anxiety on top of it all. Receive weekly paid counselling to manage the latter. Out to parents, we don't talk about it and again, pre-anything. And I'm really, really fed up.

I'm after flunking my fourth / final year of college. I repeated the second year with honours, scraped the third year which was an independent project. I have repeat exams in a week and a bit. Initial plan was to get everything from the second semester done. Now I just want to scramble through it not-empty-handed but seriously just want to throw in the towel. Either way, I'll have to repeat the final year.

[Sophie ♥]

I'm not sure how motivation works for you.

[Bettypooh]

So sad to hear all this It sounds to me like you've hit bottom with Clinical Depression, have you ever been diagnosed for that? ( I can't remember this early in the morning). If my guess is right you need a therapist- more than a counselor- to get you through this. You should be able to get emergency help via NHS (I hope) so that's where to start. Then you need to get all your people (Dr., Therapist, counselor, and school counselor) together on the same page so they can work together to get you through everything.

[lil_angel]

Find someone, anyone to talk to about your depression.

[Elfy]

I can empathise with a lot of those feelings and emotions and there isn't much I can say that will fix anything for you so I will try to avoid hollow words that won't be useful for you.

I can really understand the sentiment you had with "Sitting in my chair wondering how I went from being 'the smart one' to nothing" because that fits me and a lot of my introspection as well. From near straight A's at GCSE level to slightly lower A-Levels to University grades that plummeted so hard that I just about got a 2:2 out of it.

To put it simply it is depression. You are far from the first person to experience this particular phenomenon (not trying to trivialise it but I think it is more common than people know), Alice experienced the same thing. She had cancer, it was treated but it left her depressed and she went from a very successful student to one that cruised by doing the minimum for a long time.

In terms of transitioning... You are still very young and have a lot of time to get that started. I know the frustration that you are experiencing. It can be almost impossible sometimes to have to keep up a facade and be a person you don't feel like you should be. Again, using Alice as a reference, she started transitioning at 27-years-old. There were people in her support group that didn't start transitioning until much later in life. Just trying to say that there is a lot of time for transitioning even if it feels like everything is stalled right now, it won't always be like that.

Family is always difficult. Even in the best of circumstances they are difficult. If you need to take a year off and it possible for you to do so then maybe it is something to consider. Repeatedly ramming your head against a brick wall won't do anything to the wall but will make your head hurt, if you think time off will help you recharge batteries then perhaps it is the best option for you. That would have to be something you would need to think about though... There are arguments both for and against some time off.

I have to ask... Have you told your parents how you feel? You said you told them about being TG but they ignore it, have you perhaps sat down to talk to them about how that hurts you? Same for the other things such as the jokes about not having a job? Sometimes people don't understand that what they say are hurting another person unless the other person tells them so.

You may be pre everything transition wise but would it be possible to get some simple female clothing? A cheap skirt or dress or something that you could start wearing, even if it was just in private. Getting used to the clothing, maybe trying make up and things are all valuable skills you will need when you do go further with transitioning.

What is the main roadblock with transitioning right now? You are speaking to a counsellor which is good, if you tell your GP about your feelings he should be able to refer you a specialist who could get the ball rolling on things... Before you get HRT there will likely be a series of evaluations and things so even if your situation doesn't allow for transitioning right away, perhaps getting that ball rolling will mean that if, in the near future, circumstances change, you will already be in the process.

Whatever happens you can always message me on here, in chat or elsewhere (I think I have your skype though I haven't seen you online in a long time) if you need me I am usually available. I miss when we used to talk when you first came in chat many moons ago.

[bees]

What sort of presence do TENI have out where you live? I know Galway's a bit 'out in the sticks' and I have no experience of living in such an isolated area, but they are someone to talk to about that part of you, at least. Even if you're stuck talking to someone online it's better than nothing. They have Galway Pride listed on their website, but I'm not sure if that means they'll have a presence in August for the march.

When you say you're 'out to parents', to what degree are you out? How did they take what you told them so far, and how are they toward trans identity as a whole?

Also how much is 'more' for your college fees? Is it the few hundred more for registration, or are they going to look for a few thousand more for course fees? There is no shame in needing to take some time out, so I sincerely hope the financial penalty for doing so isn't too much for you or what your family are willing to contribute. I know there can be a fixation on academia, but even if you are 'the smart one' that doesn't mean it's your fate to go through it or that you should hate yourself for not living up to other people's expectations.

[ForbiddenFruit]

It's been an exhausting pair of days. everything's exhausting lately, really. Tomorrow or Tues I'd like to respond individually and go into more detail, but for now I just want to say that though not everything recommended is viable for me right now in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere (I'm not in Galway rn) but I'm still here, still ticking, and moreover I do appreciate what's been said and the outpouring of support in this ultra-shitty time. I always manage to put it back in perspective - 'I am going to be okay, for some value of okay, no matter what so you hang in there' but sometimes it just is overwhelming and long-term worries don't get overcome so easily.