Moments alpha build

[TDAD22]

Looking for some feedback on a new version of the opening to the story I'm trying to write.

[WBDaddy]

Immediate thoughts:

1) You wear your TS Eliot influences on your sleeve.

[TDAD22]

First, I've never read t.s. elliot, to the best of my knowledge. It's an odd coincidence, but I suppose I'll have to read some, it seems either I'll love it or it will irritate the hell out of me.

[WBDaddy]

Wow, okay, you're not the first person I've accused of sounding like Eliot when they engaged in poetic diversions, only to have them disavow any knowledge of Eliot.

[TDAD22]

You know I figure that Eliot influenced someone who influenced someone who influenced me.

[WBDaddy]

On Eliot - Try "Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock" - it might suit your tastes better - not as insipid.

I liked the tonal shifts.

[TDAD22]

yeah do you think there is a way to avoid that without having the character constantly talking to themselves in their own head about the other person? that's what happened with my earlier draft, and it bugged me. I mean, for sure that part of what the early parts of dating are like, figuring out the other person, kind of discovering them over time. But it felt really calculated to me, and kinda of false in some way. A little hollow.

[WBDaddy]

But isn't that what we kinda do when we first start dating someone?