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Critique, Please


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  • 2 months later...
  • 1 month later...

I agree with Willnotwill. Since you have named your anonymous character "he", it's important that the other characters are clearly labelled otherwise. Fazbear, a man with black hair, the painted man, Daddy, the murderer, the murdered, Mari; it does get a bit confusing separating who is who and who does what. Since you have already given us the name Fazbear, that should be used for that character. The other or others should first be named for a defining feature such as "Painted Man" and once "he" finds out their real names, those first "impression names" should be exchanged. Just like "he" needs something to cling on to during his nightmare experience, so the reader needs some fixed points of reference.

At an early point in chapter one, by the time he realises the he is in a car, try something like this: "There are two men. The one called Fazbear, [description]. The other who was carrying him [description]. Since the second man was carrying him, he found himself thinking of this man as "Daddy".

However, you keep it up too long. To use the SPRE theory (Situation - Problem - Response - Evaluation, which leads to a new Situation etc), there is only situation-problem-situation-problem without any response and evaluation so that by the end of your chapter five or six, the reader begins to lose interest as nothing happens (no Response) and nothing changes (no Evaluation). As DiaperBoy37 says "It just it gets old saying the same thing over and over again". Try rewriting the whole story in longer chapters, condense the content, and make it go somewhere by the end of what is now your chapter six at the very latest!

Once that's fixed, it becomes a great, psychological description of a nightmare or nightmarish experience. Don't give up! :)

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