AB/DL Relationship/Sex Advice:

[Midwest Babygirl]

she is repressing something and doesnt want whatever it is to be brought up, that will likely be a problem for your relationship.

[feralfreak]

bottom line, she wont communicate, she shuts down or blows up, i think its time for an ultimatum, "level with me, work these problems out with me, or we are DONE!", thats just what i think, anyone else agree with me?

[Baby Brian]

I would never act as though it was just a problem for her. I have tried to talk with her about it and point these things out to her, but she denies she was ever abused in any way and gets angry with me. There is no way I could ever talk her into seeing someone. She says she would rather die than go to a doctor or counselor...

We get that, but you do know there are other ways than abuse to still end up traumatized. She obviously has some degree of trauma involving sex even if she wasn't abused.

[diaper guy in China]

I am just going to throw this out here and say something seems really "off" about this, and I mean on her side, rather then yours. It sounds like she has some baggage she is bringing into the relationship and you should do your best to not get dragged into it as it can bring you down as well.

[SignificantOther]

I realize trauma can occur in many forms, but she insists she has never had any issue with trauma regarding sex other than penetration being somewhat painful on the two occasions it has occurred (gyno exam and sex toy), and being scared of her first time having sex. I fail to see why all other forms of sexual intimacy are also off limits, however.

The problem with just leaving at this point is that for most of our early relationship I didn't press for sex because I knew she was a virgin, so I didn't realize there were issues there until recently, after I had fallen for her and invested a year in the relationship. Now it's tough to just leave, and I've always felt like ultimatum were unfair. And if she does cave and have sex just to please me, which I have no doubt she would do rather than go for counseling or to a doctor, then it wasn't because she really wanted to. When I bring anything regarding the lack of intimacy up to her, she makes me feel awful by getting angry and implying she isn't "good enough" for me. I'm frustrated and although I know something has to be done and I should cut my losses and leave, it's easier said than done when you care about someone and at one point thought you had found "the one".

[Tepin]

No ever said it would be easy.

[feralfreak]

bottom line: "counseling, a doctor, and we talk about it and work this out, or we are done"

[Baby Brian]

bottom line: "counseling, a doctor, and we talk about it and work this out, or we are done"

I believe this sums it up pretty good, and is what I'd recommend as well. Don't give a hard date you'd leave though, but just tell her she has to deal with her problem or eventually she will loose you.

[Tepin]

I don't agree with not giving a deadline.

[Baby Brian]

A valid point, but it could also make her feel backed into a corner which could only make her claim up more. I suppose the psychology of either approach would have to be decided by the OP for what he thinks would work best on his girlfriend.

[feralfreak]

A valid point, but it could also make her feel backed into a corner which could only make her claim up more. I suppose the psychology of either approach would have to be decided by the OP for what he thinks would work best on his girlfriend.

if it was me, i would say something like "you got a month, by this date of the upcoming month, if you arent in the office of a doctor or councelor, with me, and actively participating, we're done. you have taken a year of my life, and given me nothing but grief and selfishness and i need more than you are really showing me you want to give. love is a give and take, not just i give and you take but both giving and both taking, its time you grow up a little. one month." i know, it sounds rough of me, but i think its warranted. and i would walk away to my room and let her pout, or i would go to work, or something, and let her think about it, and she might decide "you know what? fuck the month im gone", but it seems like their relationship has been one sided the while time anyway, better to not waste more time if it isnt fixable

[Nyte Kitsune]

Have to agree here, sounds to me like she's leading you on man. You've done all that can be expected of any guy. I'd say an ultimatum is really your only option, Let her know how you feel, but also let her know that it can't go on anymore. She needs to make a choice, a relationship is more than just what she wants. You may love her, but as the old saying goes, "There are other fish in the sea." Sometimes its best for both of you to move on.

[Fulldiaper]

Set an ultimate, immovable deadline. If it passes, let her know the consequences of or lack of action or action will decide your actions and final decision. Don't waiver on this if it's 3 months or 6 months, when the time is up be prepared to move on with your life either with or without her. Spell it out in simple easy to understand verbiage in a written agreement signed by both of you or just you

[littleJaina]

It has a been while since you posted, so things may have already come to a head, one way or the other.

I thought I would offer some perspective. I was a virgin until I wanted to conceive my son (during an engagement) at 21.

After that relationship fell apart, I didn't have sex again for 8 years! While I was ok with masturbating, sex with a man is not something I need. In fact, many of my experiences were very painful or uncomfortable.... even just being touched with fingers by anyone else in that area.

I had two failed attempts at my virgin night because it was so ungodly painful for me that we couldn't get fat enough to get through the hymen. To this day, sex is rarely more than faintly pleasurable to me, though I do enjoy pleasing my partner.

If I need to climax, however, I have to do it myself. Not only has intercourse not fulfilled me, but being touched by others makes my anxiety rise and shuts down my ability to get into "that space".

However, I'm not scared of giving my partners pleasure. Have you approached her with the idea of just playing with YOU? Has she ever diapered you? If not, perhaps engage in that?

How comfortable would you be masturbating in front of her? It's silly, but she might just be really insecure about being a virgin after all this time and is sure she'll screw it up. Maybe seeing you "in action" would help.

And if not.. at least ease the tension in the shower! It might take some of the pressure off both of you.

[littleJaina]

It has a been while since you posted, so things may have already come to a head, one way or the other.

I thought I would offer some perspective. I was a virgin until I wanted to conceive my son (during an engagement) at 21.

After that relationship fell apart, I didn't have sex again for 8 years! While I was ok with masturbating, sex with a man is not something I need. In fact, many of my experiences were very painful or uncomfortable.... even just being touched with fingers by anyone else in that area.

I had two failed attempts at my virgin night because it was so ungodly painful for me that we couldn't get fat enough to get through the hymen. To this day, sex is rarely more than faintly pleasurable to me, though I do enjoy pleasing my partner.

If I need to climax, however, I have to do it myself. Not only has intercourse not fulfilled me, but being touched by others makes my anxiety rise and shuts down my ability to get into "that space".

However, I'm not scared of giving my partners pleasure. Have you approached her with the idea of just playing with YOU? Has she ever diapered you? If not, perhaps engage in that?

How comfortable would you be masturbating in front of her? It's silly, but she might just be really insecure about being a virgin after all this time and is sure she'll screw it up. Maybe seeing you "in action" would help.

And if not.. at least ease the tension in the shower! It might take some of the pressure off both of you.

[littleJaina]

It has a been while since you posted, so things may have already come to a head, one way or the other.

I thought I would offer some perspective. I was a virgin until I wanted to conceive my son (during an engagement) at 21.

After that relationship fell apart, I didn't have sex again for 8 years! While I was ok with masturbating, sex with a man is not something I need. In fact, many of my experiences were very painful or uncomfortable.... even just being touched with fingers by anyone else in that area.

I had two failed attempts at my virgin night because it was so ungodly painful for me that we couldn't get fat enough to get through the hymen. To this day, sex is rarely more than faintly pleasurable to me, though I do enjoy pleasing my partner.

If I need to climax, however, I have to do it myself. Not only has intercourse not fulfilled me, but being touched by others makes my anxiety rise and shuts down my ability to get into "that space".

However, I'm not scared of giving my partners pleasure. Have you approached her with the idea of just playing with YOU? Has she ever diapered you? If not, perhaps engage in that?

How comfortable would you be masturbating in front of her? It's silly, but she might just be really insecure about being a virgin after all this time and is sure she'll screw it up. Maybe seeing you "in action" would help.

And if not.. at least ease the tension in the shower! It might take some of the pressure off both of you.

[littleJaina]

It has a been while since you posted, so things may have already come to a head, one way or the other.

I thought I would offer some perspective. I was a virgin until I wanted to conceive my son (during an engagement) at 21.

After that relationship fell apart, I didn't have sex again for 8 years! While I was ok with masturbating, sex with a man is not something I need. In fact, many of my experiences were very painful or uncomfortable.... even just being touched with fingers by anyone else in that area.

I had two failed attempts at my virgin night because it was so ungodly painful for me that we couldn't get fat enough to get through the hymen. To this day, sex is rarely more than faintly pleasurable to me, though I do enjoy pleasing my partner.

If I need to climax, however, I have to do it myself. Not only has intercourse not fulfilled me, but being touched by others makes my anxiety rise and shuts down my ability to get into "that space".

However, I'm not scared of giving my partners pleasure. Have you approached her with the idea of just playing with YOU? Has she ever diapered you? If not, perhaps engage in that?

How comfortable would you be masturbating in front of her? It's silly, but she might just be really insecure about being a virgin after all this time and is sure she'll screw it up. Maybe seeing you "in action" would help.

And if not.. at least ease the tension in the shower! It might take some of the pressure off both of you.

[SignificantOther]

Thanks for the insight. Nothing has changed, other than her making an effort to touch me (nonsexually) more. I have approached her with the idea of just taking care of me. She thinks it is selfish, because then she is just fulfilling my needs, and she says she "isn't my slave" when I bring it up. I would be happy to fulfill hers, too, however....if she would let me. But no, she is against the idea. She also says she wants to wait for any sexual activity, to "prod" her to actually have sex sooner.

As far as masturbating, I don't really enjoy masturbating alone, much less in front of someone, LoL. I'm weird, I know. But no, I suspect she would think it rather disgusting even if I wanted to. She calls herself "kinky" because of her fetish and portrayed herself that way early in the relationship, but she is actually one of the least kinky, most vanilla girls I have ever dated.

She hasn't diapered me. I've never had the desire to be diapered, and she thinks guys indulging in the fetish themselves is a huge turn off, so...

[littleJaina]

Honestly, I have few suggestions then. I'm all for being patient with a partner, but there needs to be communication. Going slow is great... if you're going somewhere, but you guys aren't.

Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not, she is displaying sexual dysfunction. "Waiting" for marriage would not be dysfunction, but would waiting for a specific point in time. However, simply refusing sex and refusing to discuss what is going on is not healthy. At this point, I would advise therapy, either for her alone (to work on her issue) or as a couple, so there is a facilitator for communication about the issue.

The only other thing I can think of is that she had some sort of intensive rape fantasy and is wanting you to force her. However, if that's the case, it's a fantasy that CANNOT be indulged in the way she wants (without conversation about consent beforehand). So even in that dynamic, your best bet is to get her talking so... therapy.

I think, after so long, it's coming down to ultimatum time. Either she tells you what's up, or you guys part ways. It's hard to accept that you might be "relationship incompatible" with someone you love, but it happens. And without better communication about so crucial a topic, this relationship is doomed.

[feralfreak]

Honestly, I have few suggestions then. I'm all for being patient with a partner, but there needs to be communication. Going slow is great... if you're going somewhere, but you guys aren't.

Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not, she is displaying sexual dysfunction. "Waiting" for marriage would not be dysfunction, but would waiting for a specific point in time. However, simply refusing sex and refusing to discuss what is going on is not healthy. At this point, I would advise therapy, either for her alone (to work on her issue) or as a couple, so there is a facilitator for communication about the issue.

The only other thing I can think of is that she had some sort of intensive rape fantasy and is wanting you to force her. However, if that's the case, it's a fantasy that CANNOT be indulged in the way she wants (without conversation about consent beforehand). So even in that dynamic, your best bet is to get her talking so... therapy.

I think, after so long, it's coming down to ultimatum time. Either she tells you what's up, or you guys part ways. It's hard to accept that you might be "relationship incompatible" with someone you love, but it happens. And without better communication about so crucial a topic, this relationship is doomed.

i have to agree, its ultimatum time, forget sex that isnt coming no matter how much she tells you "soon" she is just stringing you along so she can have what she and only she wants, she wont communicate, "therapy or get out!" "talk or get out", if it was me i would say its time.

[Tepin]

"I don't really enjoy masturbating alone, much less in front of someone"

So you don't enjoy masturbating at ALL is what that says, you know.

[feralfreak]

"I don't really enjoy masturbating alone, much less in front of someone"

So you don't enjoy masturbating at ALL is what that says, you know.

[SignificantOther]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Since our last argument, per some advice, I haven't brought sex up nor made any attempt to initiate at all to see if that might help. It hasn't. We took a vacation together to Europe, which I thought might be perfect for intimacy, but she was as distant as ever. I've noticed something else, as well. On the rare occasion she touches me or things start to get slightly intimate, she will start acting really goofy to ruin the mood or will actually hurt me. For example, if she is, say, touching my back and I say it feels good (to encourage further touching), she will immediately start doing something that is uncomfortable or painful, like repeatedly slapping my back or scratching really hard. If we are, for example laying together and things get quiet or I go to kiss her, she will start talking in a weird guy's voice and saying weird things to (imo) purposely kill the mood. It's really frustrating.

Now, due to life circumstances, she basically wants to commit to something that will keep us together for the next year and a half. I just can't do it the way things are atm. Last time we argued, at one point she angrily said "it always comes down to sex with you guys, doesn't it?" She told me she had at one point sworn off dating "vanilla" guys because they always pressured her for sex. I really resented being grouped in with guys who had expected sex after a couple of dates. She doesn't seem to think it valid at all that I am upset. She doesn't seem to think it strange at all that over a year into a relationship and while living together a couple has never even come close to TOUCHING each other in a sexual way, let alone having sex. I told her if she isn't ready now, I don't think she ever will be. I also told her that it comes down to sex because intimacy is what separates couples from friends. If all she wanted was a friend, she shouldn't be entering into relationships. She expects all the benefits of being a couple (financial benefits, gifts, companionship, courtship, monogamy, etc) without having to give the benefits in return.

Last time we argued she also said she was afraid of how it would change the relationship. She said she was afraid I would ten expect regular sex and might pressure her to try new things with which she may not be comfortable.

Anyway, I can't wait any longer. As much as I love her, I won't settle for this. I don't even know if it's worth an ultinatum, because then I'm just forcing her to be intimate if she wants to keep me and it isn't really by choice or because she feels that way toward me. I think I'm going to take her away for the weekend and try to initiate one more time, a little more confidently than I have in past attempts. If nothing happens, I think I'm done. Both of us deserve more. Thanks everyone.

[Fulldiaper]

That goofiness and hurting you is possibly a defense mechanism she doesn't even know she's doing, but it's automatic to keep from allowing her or someone to get close and be vulnerable. The next time she does it, call her out on it and stop it in it's tracks before it gets hurtful or painful. Obviously she's afraid to let her guard down and be intimate as that leave her in unchartered waters where she feels helpless and desperate, which she obviously isn't ready for, due to emotional development levels or something in her past. I think if it hasn't changed, it probably isn't.

[SignificantOther]

You know, one thing I don't understand is that she's fiercely jealous, demands monogamy in a relationship, and is very concerned with me being faithful (I've never cheated on a gf, so not a problem), yet refuses to have or talk about a sexual relationship of any kind and rarely even does things like kiss me. I don't get her preoccupation with her boyfriend being faithful if she could care less about having that type of relationship with him. Again, I feel like she wants all the benefits of a relationship without giving back. I also don't feel like I should constantly have to "remind" my girlfriend to be affectionate. I feel like at the very least she should go above and beyond in that area due to the fact I'm putting up with her issues regarding sex. I need something to show that she cares.

I don't kniw, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but that's how I feel.