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Benny Hill on marriage: Men and women look at their wedding day quite differently. A man walks into the church. He walks down the aisle, sees the altar and sings the hymn. A woman walks into the church and thinks, "I'll altar him."

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When asked if anything made her blush, Betty Bedhopper said "No; obscene it all"

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I wanted to get a Corvette for my brother...but no one would take him in trade for one.

  • Haha 1

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10 minutes ago, BabyJune said:

I wanted to get a Corvette for my brother...but no one would take him in trade for one.

HaHaHa   Love it!

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That joke is quite dative

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Q: What is your most ideal date?

A: mm/dd/yyyy, other formats can get confusing.

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Adam sees Bill pulling a 100 foot rope that isn't attached to anything.

A: "Hey Bill, why are you pulling that rope?"

B: "Have you ever tried pushing one of these things???"

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Did you hear about the chainsaw juggler who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right now

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14 hours ago, Coffee_Mate said:

Did you hear about the chainsaw juggler who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right now

That same guy was cooled to absolute zero afterwards.  Don't worry, he's 0K now.

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One couple had a baby years ago but when it was born it was only a head, no body.  The couple were shocked but raised their "baby" and loved him like he was any normal child.  One day about 15 years later the couple were on vacation when they chanced upon a fellow who was a famous doctor,  They got to be well acquainted and in talking, the couple mentioned their son who was born without a body. 

The doctor said, "I guess you haven't heard about my recent research.  I developed a process for adding a complete body to a head!  Not only does the head get a body, but the body can walk and do anything anyone else can do!"

"Wow!, said the couple.  "Can you help our son and give him a body after 15 years?"

"Of course", said the doctor.  "I'll go home with you and get started on it right away".

The couple cut their trip short and rushed right home with the doctor.  They dashed into their son's room where his head was laying in his small crib like bed.

"Guess what we brought home for you!", they said excitedly.

"Oh God", the head said. "Not another hat!"

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German, Russian and American surgeons are drinking in a bar, and the German says: 

"You want to know how advanced our health care is? We once had a man brought to us who got both his legs cut off by a train. Completely gone. We attached him new ones. Today, he's an olympic sprinter."

The Russian says, "We can do better. They once brought us a man who was mauled by bears. Arms, legs, torso, face, everything torn to shreds. We put him completely together and today, he's an olympic decathlete."

And the American just shakes his head and says: "My friends, that ain't nothing. They once brought us a severed penis they found in a dumpster. No head, no torso, no limbs, only a complete dick. We attached a whole body to it. And today, he's running for President."

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I saw this on the evening news and thought they left out an "R" in the last word!

 

trump pick 1.jpg

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What is a "Prime Timer Pick"? :giggle:

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You misunderstood.  I thought the "R" was left out in the LAST word, not at the end of the second word.  You know, the word on the bottom.

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Computer terminology 101:

Screen - a device that keeps all your computer's bugs from flying out.

CD drive - refers to a Convienient Drink holder.  

RAM - Random Asshole Module.  Stores all spam and trolling content when you have spam filters enabled.

HDMI - High Difficulty Machine Interface.  An old type of operating system that has been discontinued.

Antivirus software - a type of health program designed to detect if the user is ill.

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A woman was constipated so she went to her doctor.  The doctor told her to take suppositories to relieve her constipation.  A few days later the woman was back, upset and stating she was still constipated. 

"Did you take the suppositories?" the doctor asked. 

"I did!  I used almost the whole bottle!" 

"The whole bottle!" the doctor said.  "What have you been doing, eating them?" 

"Of course!" said the woman.  "What do you think I'm doing, shoving them up my ass or something?" 

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On 7/12/2018 at 12:57 AM, Firefly 35 said:

Computer terminology 101:

Screen - a device that keeps all your computer's bugs from flying out.

CD drive - refers to a Convienient Drink holder.  

RAM - Random Asshole Module.  Stores all spam and trolling content when you have spam filters enabled.

HDMI - High Difficulty Machine Interface.  An old type of operating system that has been discontinued.

Antivirus software - a type of health program designed to detect if the user is ill.

HDD Hard to Discover Defect

SSD Still Somehow Defective

SATA Sucky Attempt to Tweak Attributes

PCI Pecker Caught Inside (e "eeeek!")

VoIP Voided In Pants

FTP Friggin' Tortuous Procedure

HTML Hard To Manage Lunacy

DRM "Damn Retarded Machine!!!"

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Moving on to actual computer-guy acronyms, one I used when I was a sysad was RSN: Real Soon Now

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I finally decided to upgrade to a solid state drive - the old one kept leaking everywhere.

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