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Bad Jokes


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11 hours ago, rusty pins said:

A man goes to his doctor for a follow up on his CT scan.  The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news".  The guy says, "Let me have the bad news first".  The doc says, "You have severe cancer and only about 2 weeks to live".  "Oh My God!", says the paitent.  "What's the good news then?"  The doc says, "You see my receptionist out there?  The cute blond with the big tits and perfect ass?"   "Yes yes", said his paitent.  "What about her?"  "I'm fucking her!"

I almost hated to post this one, especially since I got news yesterday that my own CT scan showed an unusual looking lymph node in or by my lung.  I had Sarcoidosis 18 years ago that caused my lymph nodes to look like that and had to have a biopsy to find what it was.  I'm getting scedualed for an ultra sound to see if that can shead more light on the subject, if not I may have to have another biopsy.  Doctor isn't worried, just has some concerns he said should be checked out.

Just make sure not to eat at any casual resteraunts since from what I've seen, they cook most of the food in plastic portion bags.  (And I work in the resteraunt industry, so I can assure you that this isn't fake news)

 

For a more lighthearted joke:

What does a furry do if they lose their tail?

They go to a retail store!

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Life imitates....
1957-9 The Gym Teacher at Morton Jr. High, Fall River, MA, who later became the Basketball coach at Tiverton High School, Tiverton, RI, one town over, was named Phil Wetterland

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Why do you need to know calculus in order to drive?

Because you need to have a valid deriver's liscence!

 

After the civil war, why did the south stay seperate from the north?

Because the south didn't know calculus and therefore couldn't integrate!

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Two hunters shot a deer. As they were dragging it back to the truck, another hunter noticed that the antlers were cutting into the ground and making it quite difficult for them to pull the carcass. He suggested, "Why don't you pull the deer by the antlers so they won't drag and slow you down?" The hunters obliged, but after a while, one of them said, "This is a great idea, but we're getting farther away from the truck.

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A hunter was going to try and hunt some farm land with a friend, and being the good hunter that he was, he stopped by the farm house to ask permission first.

"I'll make sure I close all the gates", the hunter said.

"Fine", said the farmer.  "By the way, if you go by the south pasture would you mind doing me a favor since you will be out hunting with your gun?"

"What would you like me to do?" asked the hunter.

"My mule is so old I know he won't last much longer.  I hate to see him suffer.  Would you mind shooting him for me and put him out of his misery?"

"Well, it's not an easy thing to have to do but I'll do you the favor for letting me and my friend hunt your property".

The next morning the fellow and his friend parked at the farm, got their guns out and loaded and started walking towards the south pasture.  The first hunter thought up a good prank to play on his friend, so as they approached the pasture, he said, "That (blankety blank) farmer!  He wouldn't give me permission to hunt here so I'm going to fix him!"  With that he shouldered his rifle, took aim at the aged mule and shot him dead.  Suddenly he heard another loud rifle shot and turned to look at his friend.

"Ha Ha!" said the friend.  "I got one of the son of a bitch's cows too!"

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I crossed th Little Girls' Playhouse with the N Y Giants and got Odoll Beckham Jr.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Once there was a sea creature who would clam up whenever anyone asked her to share something.  But she learned eventually that it's not good to be shellfish, and that's a pearl of wisdom we could all use.

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So this little boy goes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, remember the other day when I stepped on that butterfly, and you said I couldn't have butter for a week?"
The father replied, "Yeah?"
"And remember last week, when I stepped on that honey bee, and you said I couldn't have honey for a week?"
"Yeah, what's the point."
"Well, Mommy just stepped on a cockroach.  Do you want to tell her or should I?"

  • Like 1
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A woman was confiding to her best friend that her husband didn't seem to be as attentive anymore when they went to bed, and it seemed he didn't find her that sexy anymore.  The friend said, "My husband was like that too, so what I did was put my nighty on backwards.  I know, it sounds silly but it really worked!  The first time I did that he was all over me all night!  You should try it!"

That night when ready for bed the woman did like her friend told her and put her nighty on backwards.  She danced into the bedroom where her husband was in bed reading the paper.  He looked up at her, then went back to his newspaper.  "Don't you notice anything different about me tonight?", his wife asked.   "Yeah", said her husband.  "The shit stains are in front now".

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  • 2 weeks later...

A chinese fellow loved the Fried Rice at a local Greek restaraunt, however when he ordered it, it came out as "Flied Lice"  It got to where the Greek owner would see him coming and gather all his friends around waiting for the Chinese fellow to place his order.  Once the fellow said, "Flied Lice" they all burst out laughing at him and the poor guy felt terrible.  He would have stopped going to that Greek restaraunt, but he loved their fried rice too much.  Finally he decided to take a speech class at the local college to learn how to properly pronounce "fried rice".  Finally after completing the class and practicing for a few days, he decided to go back to the Greek restaraunt for his favorite dish.  Sure enough, when the Greek owner saw him coming he gathered all his friends around.

"I'll have the FRIED RICE", the Chinese fellow proudly said.  The Greek just stood there with his mount hanging open!  "What did you say?" he asked.

 "Never mind you FLUCKIN' GLEEK!" said the Chinese guy! 

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A chinese fellow loved the Fried Rice at a local Greek restaraunt, however when he ordered it, it came out as "Flied Lice"  It got to where the Greek owner would see him coming and gather all his friends around waiting for the Chinese fellow to place his order.  Once the fellow said, "Flied Lice" they all burst out laughing at him and the poor guy felt terrible.  He would have stopped going to that Greek restaraunt, but he loved their fried rice too much.  Finally he decided to take a speech class at the local college to learn how to properly pronounce "fried rice".  Finally after completing the class and practicing for a few days, he decided to go back to the Greek restaraunt for his favorite dish.  Sure enough, when the Greek owner saw him coming he gathered all his friends around.

"I'll have the FRIED RICE", the Chinese fellow proudly said.  The Greek just stood there with his mount hanging open!  "What did you say?" he asked.

 "Never mind you FLUCKIN' GLEEK!" said the Chinese guy! 

Hory clap--that was funny.

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