Bad Jokes

[Apache Raccoon]

I

[Firefly 35]

What would happen if someone pulled a coup against donald trump, and then pence became president?

They would have to recouperate.

[le Hollandais]

Two guys are sitting at a bar. First guy says "Bob, I've been seeing spots before my eyes lately."

Says Bob, "Have you seen a doctor?"

Firs guy says "No, just spots."

[Firefly 35]

Worst possible products on the market:

Windows Micofracture: Even more secure than Windows 10

The classic Rise and Shit breakfast: Best served with coffee and a fresh diaper.

Amazon Prime Asshole: Costs just as much as amazon Prime, but you can only buy prime numbered items on the list.  

The Siri Spyware system:  Ever get lost on a tangent and forget what you had been talking about?  No need to worry, because the govenment has a complete  record of your conversation!

Poopsi-cola: Now with all-natural colors and flavors!   *contents may settle- shake well before use*

[Apache Raccoon]

It's bonfire night over here in the UK, and I came up with a fireworks joke

What do you get if you cross a firework with a  My Little Pony?

Twilight Sparkler 

 

[rusty pins]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, drops her pants and undies and says, "I want a tattoo of George Clooney on the inside of my right theigh and Brad Pitt on the inside of my left theigh."

The tattoo artist gets to work and finally says, "Ok, I'm done."

The woman looks and says, "That doesn't look at all like George Clooney and the other one doesn't look like Brad Pitt!  You did a terrible job and I'm not paying you!"

The tattoo artist says, "They look exactly like the people you wanted and I'll prove it!  I'll grab the first person who walks by the store, show them and ask them who these people are!"  With that he goes outside and grabs the first guy who walks by, who just happens to be the town drunk.

"Look at these pictures and tell me who they are", the artist says.

The drunk replies, "I'm not sure about the person on the right and I don't know who the person on the left is, but the one in the middle is definatly Willie Nelson!"

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

My CV

I workded in a shoe factory until the gave me the boot

I workd in a gun shop but I git fired

I worked in a dress shop but the made me resign: I knew where the bodice was buried

I workded in a gum factory but I got chewed out

I worked in a tiara factory but it went to my head

I worked in a bag mill but I got sacked

I worked in a baby panty factory until the lady who owned it said I rubber the wrong way

[BabyJune]

I once dated an organ grinder's daughter because I liked to have her monkey around.

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

I used to be a folksinger, then one day I said "folk that!"

[Nat]

A man buys a car and it has a radio in it that plays any station when you say what kind of music you want. If you say "rock," the radio will play rock music. If you say "Hop," it will play hip hop music.The man is driving the new car home and there are these kids playing ball in the street. One of them hits the ball and it hits the man's windshield leaving a big crack on it. "Fucking kids," he shouts and the radio switched to a radio station playing Michael Jackson. 

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

I had that happen to me, except the radio switched to liturgical music

[Apache Raccoon]

I got a call from a guy from the ramblers club the other day, and he went on and on and on 

 

@Elfy What’s up with dieticians wanting us all to make food out of you?

 There always saying we should stop eating fatty junk food and instead eat food that is Elfy 

[Firefly 35]

What happens if your wallet goes through the washing machine?

You get laundered money!

[rusty pins]

On ‎11‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 12:14 AM, Firefly 35 said:

What happens if your wallet goes through the washing machine?

In my case my dad found it (and the rubber I had inside it).

Two diapers talking.  One says, "I'm pissed!"  The other says, "You're full of shit too!"

[Firefly 35]

A college student asked their advisor "Why does it seem like I'm learning a lot of BS here?"

The advisor replied "Well, I thought thay was the degree you signed up for: a BS in Computer science"

[Little BabyDoll Christine]

Well, Yeah: You get your BS, which you know what that means
Then you get an MS, which is More of the Same
Then you get a PhD which is Piled higher and Deeper

THEN there is the little-known (known by littles) DPF Deeply and Permanently Fucked

[Firefly 35]

And then you join the NAVY (Never Again Volunteer Yourself) for that.

[rusty pins]

And you drive your Ford (Fix Or Repair Daily)

[vvp39]

...your Fiat (Fix It Again, Tony)....

[Firefly 35]

And your lemon (Lousy Excuse for a Machine that Operates Negligably).

[rusty pins]

Why don't they play baseball in Whoville?  Because there would be too many "Who's on first".

[Firefly 35]

Why is the grinch's heart 2 sizes too small? 

Because he's a "little" slow to embrace the christmas spirit!

[Spiderman]

Why did santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had low "elf" esteem.

[Firefly 35]

Why do santa's raindeer wear a diaper while flying?

Because they can't go into a stall while flying.

[Spiderman]

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker