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Hey guys. Normally I've been very comfortable with my DLism and infantilist tendencies, but lately I've been thinking a lot. I've been talking to my girl, and she's been saying a lot how wanting a woman to be my "mommy" is wrong. And I guess in a lot of ways I can see how wanting someone who's not your biological mother to play her part can be wrong.

Also being in my twenty-somethings I've also been thinking about my future. Being in my twenty-somethings, it's expected of me to soon get married and start a family. But I know that if my wife had a baby, I'd be jealous of the attention that she gave it (bathing, changing, loving, etc.) and I don't want to raise a child that I'm jealous of. Has anyone else had similar fears/thoughts? How have you dealt with them? It's really been worrying me lately :/

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I'm sure most of the other parents here will agree with me when I say that bringing up children and being an ABDL are two completely separate and compartmentalised mental areas. It's entirely possible to be both with neither one getting in the way of the other. If you let them overlap then you have a problem. If you keep them well apart, it's no problem at all.

Honestly while discussing her concerns is fine, it sounds like your girlfriend doesn't want to accept your ABDL side if she's just saying it's "wrong". Can she come up with a good justification that isn't just psychobabble? Something concrete? So long as you're not hurting anybody (including your girlfriend), it's up to you to decide whether what you do is "wrong" or not.

If that's where the affecting your potential future parenting thing is coming from, I think you need to stress the distinction between a fantasy scenario and being an actual parent to her... She seems to be confused

Maybe it'll turn out that she really doesn't want to be part of your ABDL activities but if so, that shouldn't mean you have to feel worried about doing so privately. Relationships are about compromise after all. Spending some little time when she isn't around is not so different to spending some guy time down in the basement playing Xbox games, ya know?

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Being in my twenty-somethings, it's expected of me to soon get married and start a family.

you have to live for your self, not others expectations. I think too many people feel compelled to start a family before they are ready, or even if it is what they really want.

But I know that if my wife had a baby, I'd be jealous of the attention that she gave it

It really doesn't sound as if you are ready to be a father. I say this with all due respect and no malice intended. Having children should be a decision made by both parents factoring in emotions, finances, a lot of things. First find the right girl a girl who loves you as you are, she might not have to be your mommy, but she should at least be open minded and at least try to understand your desires. If you find someone who loves you unconditionally that is the first first step in the baby making decision.

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Yes, what everyone else said. Sometimes I think morality is overrated, especially when seen in religion, but that is just me and also off topic. Still, there are boundaries. What you might have to explain to her is that it is not a fantasy involving your own biological mother. It can be described as roleplay that involves two consenting adults much like school girl and teacher or doctor and patient, which is a context that she may find easier to understand. Of course, you want to be honest to her about how this makes you feel and be careful not to give too much information at once. Most importantly, don't expect anything.

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Much good advice here, especially the parts about not living to meet someone else's expectations :thumbsup: Though I hate to say it, from my perspective it would seem that your GF isn't going to accept this in you. It's tough but you have to be who you are, and if you're ABDL then any life partner will have to accept it even if they don't participate since it's not going to go away :closedeyes: At this point I'd be thinking of the best way to say that they will either have to accept it in me or be prepared to part ways. A partnership means communication and compromise with neither party forcing the other to be uncomfortable very long just for their sake. If you don't have that kind of relationship and time doesn't create it, then it's time to look elsewhere. Nobody is better than somebody when that somebody is bad for you. Yeah, being ABDL isn't an easy life, but would you rather be miserable with someone or content all alone knowing there is still a chance you'll find that right person?

Do try to work it out, but whatever else happens, do your own thing- nobody else can run your life happily but you!

Bettypooh

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I really like this thread - I think your concerns are very justified. Most people look for a relationship to be a partnership, and few women will want to have a male partner who wants her to be his mommy. She is not wrong - she has her right to look for a mate that fits her criteria. However, you are who you are - therefore, I believe (note how I say " i believe") you have a couple of few choices.

  1. Live your life as an AB or DL according to your agenda - it might be lonely.

  2. Modify your expectations, and balance your ABDL needs with your "responsibilities" as dictated by society..... ie, get married, bring home the bacon, raise the kids, go to church, pay your taxes - the list of hegemonic societal constructions is endless - ........ and run the risk of living your whole life as a lie, and run the risk of being miserable.

  3. Decide that you want to be a "good" husband and father, and pursue psychological intervention to determine why you are such a sucky useless pathetic mama's boy.

It might sound like I am being harsh, or even irreverent. but at some time you really have to decide how much you want to be "NORMAL". Personally, I have given up on "normal" although I do find it to be a handy cycle for washing cottons.

To me, ABDL falls firmly within the realm of "queer culture", ie, pursuing your own agenda, with like minded folks - you no longer need to sire 5 sons to help run the farm.....BUT... there are challenges and risks going that way

i suppose i am starting to go in circles, but if you are too emotionally immature to fit in a classic Leave it to Beaver family, then kudos to you for figuring it out early- that is no longer the only acceptable model. On the other hand, there are lots of emotionally immature men and women (with nothing to do with diapers) who have been parents, and have been crap parents - my own father being a perfect example.

I would suggest, that if you do want to have kids, then psych. help is probably a good idea - not to drive you out of diapers, but to help you be there emotionally for your children ( and partner?), out of fairness to them.

Or, decide that the classic family model is just wrong for you - make your decision and go for it - virtually every major religion in the world will hate you for it ( oh sorry, will want to forgive you for it and fix you), but you are your own person

do i sound less than authoritative? well, am in my 50's, once divorced, lesbian, childless, AB, degree in psychology, with studies in sociology, and it is all beyond me........ i guess my only point is that your life is yours - if there is one thing i have learned, is that trying to please others and their ideals is a losing game. oh , you might think you are being all noble, and doing the RIGHT thing,,,,, but nah......... i am only now realizing that i can be me

i know, crappy meandering advice........ sorry,,,, it ain't easy babe,,,,,,maybe easier in New York City than sorghum bluff, or maybe easier in Canada than Iran. but, nah, not easy

good luck sweetie, and good for you for thinking about it - I tried so hard to fit "the mold"..... that didn't work for me

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Yes, what everyone else said. Sometimes I think morality is overrated, especially when seen in religion, but that is just me and also off topic. Still, there are boundaries. What you might have to explain to her is that it is not a fantasy involving your own biological mother. It can be described as roleplay that involves two consenting adults much like school girl and teacher or doctor and patient, which is a context that she may find easier to understand. Of course, you want to be honest to her about how this makes you feel and be careful not to give too much information at once. Most importantly, don't expect anything.

Jason,

1. I don't agree that morality is overrated. But neither do I agree that this is about morality.

2. Which religion? Yeah, off topic, but it bothers me (not angers me) that some people have only one view of 'religion' and pigeonhole all religion on that basis. If you are coming from a conservative Christian base, I'd probably agree with you. I'm very liberal and although that does NOT mean that 'anything goes', it does mean that I'm not about to dictate to you on every issue. What we're talking here is hopefully a balanced loving relationship - I'm all for that.

3. Your advice to continue conversation with her - carefully - is good, especially the part about "don't expect anything." Your comment about religion may have been made with the girl friend using the term wrong, although there is no indication this is coming from a religious base. I think many people will use the word "wrong" when they don't want to be associated with it. Totally unrelated to religous beliefs.

4. It's hard to tell from only the info given, but it sounds like what College Baby is looking for might be a rather selfish, one-sided relationship. If he's going to be jealous of a baby getting attention, whether he's ab or not, it's good for him to recognize that now and remain on his own. I'm not going to condemn him for wanting a one-sided relationship; I just don't think it's going to happen.

For now, he's better off staying out of a committed relationship.

If he can work out a balanced relationship of mutual love and respect with this woman or someone else, each of them giving and receiving as needed, then he can get on with life. As others have said, you can be an ab/dl and still be a good husband and father. You need to work at defining who you are so you can move between the different roles you have to play, setting aside one to focus on another at any given time.

To College Baby, I don't mean to demean you or trivialize what you want. Some people here have found wonderful, accepting partners. I'm 25 years into a marriage where I've been working for the last 2 to get past a wife who thinks diapers are just unacceptable. In other words, she's coming from the point of view "It just isn't right." The chances of either of us getting past this is pretty slim. Good for you to realize this now.

Maybe you can bend on your expectations and hope she can bend on hers so that things will work out. Looking for a relationship were YOU get to dictate what is accepted and what isn't probably will not lead to a successful, longterm relationship.

Sincere good luck to you.

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2. Which religion? Yeah, off topic, but it bothers me (not angers me) that some people have only one view of 'religion' and pigeonhole all religion on that basis. If you are coming from a conservative Christian base, I'd probably agree with you. I'm very liberal and although that does NOT mean that 'anything goes', it does mean that I'm not about to dictate to you on every issue. What we're talking here is hopefully a balanced loving relationship - I'm all for that.

Hehe, I do not like any religion that is in my face every day including Christianity or any religion that seeks to increase it numbers by coming to my door. In the OP's recount, I sensed the same type of prejudice judgement (that they call good morality) I see the major religions make, and it angered me. It was difficult to cover up, but I do not want to talk too much about this here. This also had everything to do about morality, because that was her frame of reference for judging something she knew nothing about in the first place. What else would convince some one to say it is wrong when it is clearly not against the law or causing harm to anyone? No doubt, this makes things difficult for the OP.

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I am 28, 29 in less than a month. I am not married, nor do i have children. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years, we have no plans to 'settle down' anytime soon.

Unless people have outright said "you need to get married and have kids" it might be that no one actually has this expectation, but rather you feel it is what is expected of you.. if no one has outright said it, then its not importannt, and if someone has said it, they have no right to tell you what you 'should' do with your own life...

as for wanting a mommy, there is nothing wrong with this, as it is how you feel, is not illegal, or hurting anyone else. I agree you need to find out what exactly it is that your gf thinks is wrong. If having a mommy is in your top 10 must haves in a significant other, and your GF is dead set against it, perhaps she isn't the 'one' for you. I don't mean you need to immediately break off the relationship with her, but you might need to evaluate your wants/needs/desires and her wants/needs/desires and see if you and her want to continue an intimate relationship or not...

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Wow everyone, thanks for the really encouraging words and thoughtful posts. This "kind honesty", as I like to call it, is one of the reasons I love this community.

I do agree that I think it has a lot to do with the dynamic between me and my GF, which is complicated to say the least. She has no problem with the DL stuff (she loves being daddy's little girl) but the AB stuff does make her really uncomfortable. And beyond the AB stuff, I do have a lot of issues with feeling loved and noticed, and that's maybe why I'd feel jealous towards a baby getting more attention than me, Maybe if I get over those issues I wouldn't mind being with a partner who didn't baby me. Luckily I'm only 20, and hopefully these things are not too close by.

I'll be doing a lot of meditating for a while, but by all means if anyone else has anything to say, let me hear your input!

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