"It'S Because I Trust You To Help Me Die..."

[Mama Melody]

A patient of mine, one I have known for many years, is in hospice care right now. She has about two weeks left.

About a week ago, she requested me as her caregiver. I figured it was because she had known me when I was young, knew she could rely on me, had known my grandmother, etc. I knew it was going to be hard, but seeing as I'm leaving the job around the time she's due to pass away, I figured it would be the right note to go out on, for her and for me.

It was a hard week last week...she's been declining more rapidly than we thought she would. She went to giving herself showers every morning, to being unable to sit up on her own or eat anything solid. Her kidneys are shutting down. Won't be long, but she's in a lot of pain, and can still mostly self medicate. She just needs a med tec to stand by and make sure she does alright.

Well, I went up to watch her dosage today. She was doing very badly. Having trouble breathing, even though her oxygen was on, and was having trouble speaking. I got her a drink, she took her pills but didn't have to have an injection till later so I just make sure she has enough. I'm about to go, when she motions me over.

"You know how to give shots right?"

I told her I was afraid of needles, but in theory I did know. I'm not supposed to handle them though, or push the plunger. She kind of smiles and says "oh, that'll do just fine."

Sounded like she was done, so I moved to leave, but she tapped me and said:

"Do you know why I asked you to take care of me?"

Well, I said I figured it was because we'd been friends for so long, and she said it was sorta that too, but mostly...

"It's because I trust you, and I know you care about me. You're the only one I trust enough to help me die."

For a moment I thought she just meant ease her passing as a caregiver, you know, make her as comfortable as possible. But then I start to get it. And it all clicks into place.

"I could do it, but I want someone to make sure I do it right, that I don't mess up. You wouldn't even have to push the plunger. I've been saving up pills on the side too, if you think that would be better." And she sighs and smiles and says "I'm just ready to go, it's time."

I just stared at her. I wanted to scream, or cry, or run from the room. It seemed surreal. I slowly told her, as I'd been trained to do that I can't do that, that I can make her comfortable but I'm not allowed to help her harm herself in any way. She keeps smiling and sighs again...her lungs sounded crackly.

"I thought you might say that. And it's ok, I understand. I'm not mad....you can go now."

And I just turned around and walked away. I didn't know what to say or do...I know I'm supposed to report her so that she's put on a suicide watch, but I didn't. She's just in so much pain. I'm not gonna help her kill herself, but I'm not going to stop her from ending her pain...

I feel like throwing up. I've been crying for hours. I am well aware what I'm doing by my inaction is illegal...but I dunno. I feel like shit, and I can't shake it. I have a party to go to tonight, I have things to do, but I just know in the back of my head that when I go in for work again on wednesday she'll probably be gone. And I didn't even say goodbye, or wish her well, or tell her that I'll miss her.

Fuck my life...

[clandestinest]

You did what you had to do, I don't even think she would have wanted you to help her end her life if she knew how much it would affect you. It's obvious to me you picked the right choice because you'd have really been wrecked if you had aided her.

I am sure you are more aware than most that pain and death are inevitable, you can do your best to ease that pain but you should never do it if it's going to ruin your life.

[Mama Melody]

I dunno if it's going to ruin my life or anything, it just make me feel really torn. There's no right answer, there's no good solution, nothing about this is fair to anyone. And it makes me feel...angry and sad and bitter. That's all...

[babylin]

Mama Melody wrote:

"Do you know why I asked you to take care of me?"

Well, I said I figured it was because we'd been friends for so long, and she said it was sorta that too, but mostly...

"It's because I trust you, and I know you care about me. You're the only one I trust enough to help me die."

That is so awesome. Profoundly touching. Your inaction did not harm her but, her trust in you was life changing. Likely, she is now at peace. Your life is not fucked. She gifted you.

[Mama Melody]

Gifted me? GIFTED ME?

IT IS NOT AWESOME!

It is a horrible situation on all accounts!

I had to stand before a dying woman in epic amounts of pain and say that I could not help her end her suffering. I could not take away her pain with anything more than meds, or remove the disease that is slowly and excruciatingly killing her. I turned my back on her and walked away from her in shock, knowing that she was going to die, and now I feel like the worst person ever. This is a gift to me? To ask someone to kill you is not a little thing and is not a compliment as I take it. It feels like being stabbed.

Oh, yay, she trusts me. It didn't touch some warm part of my heart. When someone asks you to take their life and then LIVE with the confusion, guilt, and feelings of uncertainty about life in general, you tell me if it feels like a gift. Imagine your favorite pet looking up at you, while in pain, with trusting eyes, while you hold it close as the vet euthanizes it. That feel good, hm? That feel touching? Awesome? maybe for you. But it hurts me. It makes me feel SICK. It makes me feel like a horrible, powerless, angry person.

I'm glad it's touching to you. I'm glad you found it awesome.

I found it horrifying.

This is simply one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. In my life.

[sarah_ab]

you did help her .... by not reporting her you gave her what ever himan should have .... the right to die with dignity ..... you have given her her dignity

[Diapered Jason]

Assisted suicide is not legal in California? I am not trying to be bitter, but judging from what I read, it seems like the best option.

My great grandmother is still alive, but she has a severe case of Alzheimer's disease. Basically, there is nothing left of her. It is an extremely sad sight, and if I was in her position I would have chosen to terminate my life when I reached that state before the wretched disease consumed my ability to think thereby making it impossible to choose. Unfortunately, assisted suicide is not legal in her state of hospitalization.

[sarah_ab]

its not assised suicide its phycisian assisted meaning a MD .... i know in washington there habe to be two MDs and a Third psychoatrist signing off on the ok .....

[Diapered Jason]

its not assised suicide its phycisian assisted meaning a MD .... i know in washington there habe to be two MDs and a Third psychoatrist signing off on the ok .....

Yeah, that is what I meant. I was not asking the OP to do it. That is not legal in any state.

[FretaBWet]

Mama Melody, It was the most selfish of acts for this patient to put this burden on you. I know you feel horrible for making the decision you did but the thing that makes this so selfish is there was no decision you could have made that would not have caused you pain. If you helped her you would have been saddled with the guilt of what you'd done and the worry of getting caught and prosecuted. You didn't turn her in and you're now feeling the guilt of helping her passively and the worry of getting caught for not alerting management staff. If you did alert them and they put her on suicide watch her suffering would be prolonged and you would have been saddled with the guilt of that. You made the best decision you could and as painful as it is now you will get through it.

Someone once told me that irony is the driving force of the universe and the longer I live the more accurate that statement seems. The best person for a hospice worker is those of us who are the most compassionate and empathic yet it is these people who are the most damaged working in that environment because they are so compassionate and empathic. The people who are most able to cope with a job like that are the least empathic and compassionate because they are not emotionally engaged, it's just a job. Your decision to leave the job is probably for the best not because you're not good at it but because you are.

Hugs,

Freta

[tcc]

Yes, you WERE given a gift. You were given a gift of trust. The person trusting you knew of your compassion, but also KNEW that you did not have the ability, the moral responsibility or the legal backing to bring everything to a quick end for that person. You faced the "Kevorkian Dilemma". And, Dr. Jack Kevorkian went to prison because his compassion led him to overstep THE LAW.

You mention euthanization of a pet. Even holding a pet while it is euthanized, while tough, shows compassion, and as humans, we understand that it is noble to not allow "dumb animals" to suffer more than is necessary. The Hippocratic Oath that those in the medical field adhere to is simply not reasonable, compassionate(in these situations) or sensible. However, if you don't stay to that extreme - to help the ill and prolong life in any way possible to the last natural breath(and placing a person on "machines" they don't want to be connected to is compassionate?) - you can have the other extreme, ala Hitler's "Final Solution". WHOM ultimately decides who is worthy of life or not? Any number of dictators have chosen to decide who is worthy of life and who is not!

Perhaps you cannot legally assist in hastening the end to this person, and perhaps you cannot hasten the last natural breath, but you CAN assist in making this person - and you should be able to, as a caregiver - comfortable, to the point of reporting a need for additional pain medication, until that last breath comes. Instead of being frustrated over what you CAN'T do, and how you CAN'T do certain things, you can, at your young and tender age, BE THERE. THAT means a lot - holding a hand, wiping a brow with a damp washcloth, stroking hair, singing softly, making sure there is as much comfort as there can be, for as long as it is recognized. And, when more and more blessed drug-induced sleep leads to this person to the arms of their Maker, you can rest easily - not in frustration over what you COULDN'T do, or understand - at what you DID do, and COULD do - BE THERE.

What do I know? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a caregiver of your sort. I'm as caregiver after the fact. I'm a mortician. I see and I've seen both sides of the coin, and I've talked to people and listened to their stories and heard them. I've seen the pain and I've seen the pride. I've heard them come to the realization that the gift of being able to see someone die with dignity IS a gift, and assuring a person that it is okay to close their eyes and let go of life here as we know it - we'll be okay without them; we'll hurt; we'll never forget but we'll move on with them firmly entrenched in our hearts forever - is our gift to them in return. And, especially if you believe that they can look down and see the afterward, make sure that the memorialization of their life, the tribute to the life they lived and what they gave to the world while they WERE here, is more than just a simple "15 minutes of fame". It should be a proper, tasteful tribute that people will be able to go away from and feel that they know that person better, and that their life truly WAS worthwhile and they DID make a difference during the time they were given.

It's good you hurt. It's good you're angry. It means you care. It means you value life, and the sanctity of life, and life means something to you.That's a good thing. It's a great thing. And, this situation will help form you into something and someone even better the next time - and there will be a next time, even though you're frustrated now - and you will be a better person, a wiser person, and even more helpful, feeling less helpLESS, to others. That is a good thing. Embrace it.

Thus, you HAVE been given a gift. How you choose to use that gift is up to you. And, what you're feeling now is called grief. You are grieving. You are actually mourning prior to the actual death. It means you're human. And, since you are, it means there is hope for our society, with you as a caregiver.

Thank you for venting and sharing your frustration and anger.

[Mama Melody]

Mama Melody, It was the most selfish of acts for this patient to put this burden on you. I know you feel horrible for making the decision you did but the thing that makes this so selfish is there was no decision you could have made that would not have caused you pain. If you helped her you would have been saddled with the guilt of what you'd done and the worry of getting caught and prosecuted. You didn't turn her in and you're now feeling the guilt of helping her passively and the worry of getting caught for not alerting management staff. If you did alert them and they put her on suicide watch her suffering would be prolonged and you would have been saddled with the guilt of that. You made the best decision you could and as painful as it is now you will get through it.

Someone once told me that irony is the driving force of the universe and the longer I live the more accurate that statement seems. The best person for a hospice worker is those of us who are the most compassionate and empathic yet it is these people who are the most damaged working in that environment because they are so compassionate and empathic. The people who are most able to cope with a job like that are the least empathic and compassionate because they are not emotionally engaged, it's just a job. Your decision to leave the job is probably for the best not because you're not good at it but because you are.

Hugs,

Freta

This kinda sums it up.