Relationships

[Vic]

Many, many times I've read threads that start out "I'm finally going to tell my wife". What can I say? It seems that so many people are afraid of honesty, they're blind to the other person in the relationships feelings, and really showing them the worst kind of disrespect. This callous disregard for them is NOT the way to behave towards someone you supposedly love so much!

Two years into a marriage is NOT the time to say "oh, by the way....", If you really love someone then you HAVE to respect them. It means you owe them the truth from the very start of the time you start thinking that they might be the one you want to share your life with. Before you even think of buying a ring you MUST disclose all of your secrets, period.

You have to realize that we, as diaper lovers or adult babies, are not what the mainstream of our society consider "normal". As far as a lot of them go we are pretty out there, or extremely perverted (in some people's minds). Some of us are, if you take a realistic view of some in our community. I mean anyone who thinks that girls want to feed them, dress them, keep them in diapers 24/7, and not mind changing their messy diapers, is basically a nut, but they can be found on this site.

If you truly love and respect your partner you have a responsibility to tell them about your fetish. I don't mean that you just say "I like to wear diapers sometimes", but to really tell them about it. Whether you are AB and want them to baby you some times, if you want to be babied a lot, if you like to wet, or mess, I mean EVERYTHING!! There is no way that you can fail to do this if you truly love your partner, it is what you owe them if they truly are the one who you love.

If you cannot do this then you are not ready to propose to them, let alone marry them. Honesty is not the best policy, it's the ONLY policy here, DO NOT LIE TO THEM BY KEEPING THIS LITTLE "SECRET" TO YOURSELF!! I know that it is hard to talk about something you've kept hidden from everybody else all you life, but you must break that silence if you really love them.

It might be that they are not able to accept this about you, but better to know now than after you've trapped someone in a marriage where they suddenly feel betrayed. If you do this to someone they have every right to feel betrayed by you! That could very quickly end your marriage in one UGLY divorce!! Sit down and talk to them, let them know that this is hard for you to talk about, but you have to tell them because to keep it a secret would be wrong, (it would in fact be worse than lying to them). If both of you are truly in love they might just say "well that's different, but it doesn't change how I feel about you". They may even like the idea enough to want to participate. That's a long shot there, but you never know.

The point is you have to be upfront and honest from the start. It might be the end of the relationship, but better to know now than to have both of your feeling mangled in a bitter divorce. You are the only one who can pick who you want to open up to when you're in a relationship, but if you think that the relationship is really going to go somewhere you are obligated to out yourself. It's the decent and right thing to do.

Peace,

Vic

[happyindprs]

Vic I agree one hundred percent. I crossed that bridge with my girlfriend a life time ago. I was in love and didn't want to lose Her but I also know I could never give up wearing diapers either. So I told her everything one night and we are still married to this day. I have two friends that wear diapers, well at least they are interested in wearing them. One has been into diapers since he was eight years old and the other twelve. In both cases, they kept this all a big secret from their wives. What a way to begin a life time relationship, with a lie. One guy wears maybe once or twice a year but is preoccupied with it nonetheless. The other came out well into their marriage and it ended soon after that. Both guys are miserable because they couldn't be honest. The funny thing is that so many here want understanding and acceptance and yet they themselves don't practice what they preach. Great post.

[Guest Saturnine]

Yes Vic I totally agree. I have posted in the thread you are talking about and know what point you are making. If you marry someone and then wait two years, three years, whatever, and THEN decide to spill the beans about something that should have been brought up BEFORE the marriage, then it is indicative of the level of how much the person loves the other: it shows a low level of love and respect to the woman to hide something like this and the decide to spring it up, basing the future of the marriage on whether she accepts the fact her husband urinates into diapers for fun.

Basing the future of the marriage on ACCEPTANCE of the diapers is low and immature. It's something that should be brough out before the marriage, because holding it back until later makes it more painfl for here when she ultimately says no: because face it, next to zero percent of normal women would accept it, and especially after the husband more or less forces the wife to decide on the future of the relationship based on whether or not she will be okay with her husband pooping diapers.

You said it's callous. It is 100% and I'm glad to not only know people that agree with me, but that I can agree with them and be together in upholding proper and mature ideals in marriage. Marriage is a sanctity that cannot be toyed with in regards to a relatively base fetish.

[Dougie]

Great post Vic!!!!!

[Bettypooh]

Great post Vic!!!!!

And again a BIG

Going back to your subject line, I am ready for a relationship but then I'm not I've had some decent ones and I want to try again, but as always I'm so used to being alone and doing whatever I want to to do whenever I want to do it that there is always some initial discomfort in having someone else that deep into my life If the relationship goes good that goes away quickly I knew I was a DL during my last relationship, but I also knew it wasn't working so I kept this part out of it She worked in the healthcare field and had already bemoaned of dealing with people who were fecally incontinent so I knew she had a dim view of adult diapers already Had our relationship shown any promise to work out I would have told her- I would have had to since our initial plan was for me to move in with her so there would have been no way to hide anything anyhow This level of relationship is based on openness, trust, and honesty. To damage or dishonor any part of that is to attempt to kill the relationship Yes, they must know what you know, or you both risk getting hurt.

Bettypooh

[curiositykilledthecat]

Fetishes and kinks aren't something you talk about on your first date with a prospective mate(normally) however yes it is wrong to hide this from your mate and then spring it on them after their married. It's just common sense to not do that. Personally I am rather ready for a new one.

[Vic]

Well first off let me introduce myself. My name is Alan and I'm a bit new around here. I have been poking around the forums for a bit looking for advice, but never posted. I already know going into this that the answer to my problem is going to be "just tell him," but it has been the hardest thing for me ever. Let me give you a little background. So I have been dating this wonderful man (we met online) going on three years now. We have been living together for over a year and our relationship is great. At the beginning of our relationship we had talked briefly about a guy that I was dating a few years ago with a diaper fetish. I did date a fellow diaper lover a few years ago, but the funny thing is that we never really did any diaper "stuff" together. You all know how we have the "I'm really into diapers" phase, binge and purge stages, the "I'm not into diapers" phase? Well...I think that coupled with it being not the best relationship, that I was in an "I'm not so into diapers" frame of mind as well. He (my current partner) then told me that he once talked to a guy from the site we consequently met on that he knew my ex. The ex I guess had told him that we met on some kind of "diaper lover website." Which was true, but it was so early on in our relationship that I wasn't comfortable with telling him about my DL side. He did even ask me if I was into them and I, of course, denied. And again, I have to say that I hadn't really had any interest in wearing diapers for probably 3 years after the other relationship had ended. I think I made a bad connection between diapers and the dude. My interest had waned. We then continued to talk about what I did with the diaper relationship guy. Asked if I changed his diaper. I said yes. Asked if I wore one. I said yes. But then I started to go off on how it bothered me that the ex would drink coffee all the time and his diaper would smell like it really bad. Haha. I kinda made it out to be something that I wasn't into without actually saying it. It is just recently that my interest in diapers has rekindled. So without getting too deep into our relationship, we have both said that we're ready for a long term (life possibly?) thing, my love for him is unconditional and he has also said the same, he wants me to be happy with who I am etc etc. The words "the one" come to mind.

So here is the problem. When you were talking about coming out being hard, I think about how it has been for me. So in high school my "best friend" for some reason told people in class that I was gay and that I had tried to "fondle" him one night. Which I have to tell all of you is NOT true. Except for the gay part, but I wasn't out or didn't really know that I was 100% gay at the time. One day I had a kid slam me into a locker and say to me "so I heard you're a fucking faggot, huh?" I asked what he was talking about and he just walked away. Then a few days later...all of my "friends" stopped talking to me. Nobody told me why, nobody said anything. It was just as if they weren't there. It was rough. I totally don't want to dwell on this topic at all, but I think it is why I i'm having a hard time with this. It was the reason I had such a hard time coming out to my family. I didn't want the same thing to happen. Some families aren't as accepting as mine are.

So now I want to tell my partner about the diaper part of my life (which is pretty vanilla in it's self compared to others) and I am having such a hard time with it. He has told me that I can tell him anything and he wouldn't love me any less, but still that whole thing that happened in high school is looming in my brain. I don't want to loose him, you know? I keep on going over how to bring it up in my head and different types of things I would say. It's kinda driving me bananas. I mean I'm obviously going to be honest with him when I tell him and I know that I have to be prepared to answer some questions. Any suggestions on how to bring the topic up? Like actually what to say? Like "Hey baby. Can I be open with you about something? It's nothing bad at all, but it's been something that has been so hard for me to build up the courage to tell you." Then what should I say? I kinda like to wear diapers from time to time? I have a diaper fetish? What does one say? I don't want to make it anymore awkward than it's already going to be. Any suggestions? Am I totally over thinking this? Do you think it's easier to "come out" as a DL in a gay relationship because as gays we aren't totally accepted and the partner could have some sympathy? Oh well...sorry for the ramble. Thanks for any help

I don't know that gay or straight makes much difference, at some point in time this will come up, I'm sure of it. The reason I am so sure is the binge and purge cycle we all go through. I'm sure you'll experience it again sometime, but when you get older you'll find some balance in your diaper desires and everyday life.

As far as talking with your partner you'll have to take your time and consider this topic thoughtfully. Go over it in your head as to how you'd like to be told something that you weren't aware of from him, and remember to be considerate of his feelings. Be sure to answer all of his questions as openly and honestly as you possibly can, and hold nothing back. He is your partner, would you want him to keep secrets from you?

Remember that he deserves the absolute truth so answer all questions with candor, I'm sure that because of his love for you he will listen with respect, let him know that you're being totally open to him with your innermost self, that you are trusting him more than you have ever trusted another human being.

How you go about starting this conversation is up to you, only you know how you should start this dialoge, but I hope all goes well for you. A person approached in the right way, where their partner lets them know how much they love them and has to share all of themselves with them, will feel a lot better than one told "by the by I like diapers".

Who knows? This could be the start of a new chapter of openness and honesty between you that will cement your love for each other even more. Hey, he might even try it himself, you never know.

Peace,

Vic

[happyindprs]

Reading your post it is obvious to me that this guy loves you unconditionally. He says He talked with your ex, he asked about whether or not you changed him or if you wore a diaper. I gotta think that if he was turned off by any of it, He would have told you right off. You question about being gay doesn't make sense, you're gay and so is he?, Right? So I doubt he'll be throwing you up against the lockers. Are you afraid that if you out yourself about your diapers that he will get pissed off? I feel you struggling with this. You know you should trust him and be open and honest with him as these are the things that make for a long lasting relationship. To help yourself get through this scary time, sit yourself down and put all of these thoughts into a letter. That way you can be open and honest and you don't have to be in High Anxiety mode. He sounds like a good guy that loves you, let him know how you really feel.

[Guest Saturnine]

No I probably won't ever be ready. If I'm not willing to be mature enought to just be normal and use the toilet and not use diapers like a baby, then I won't ever be ready to have an adult and mature relationship. It's an oxymoron to be in a mature relationship while pissing your pants daily willingly.

[babylin]

When I married my wife, her past was hers and mine was mine. No real need to know.

I couldn't disagree with Vic more, though it was a nice soap box speech, all romantic and idealistic, total open honesty......urp.

Learned about "need to know" secrets in the military. Also learned that we live in the present, moment by moment.

I love my wife dearly. I do not believe any good would come from her knowing. To that end, I do hope to have one last chance to

purge before my cancer kills me. Vic's views are his own and do not represent all members on this forum.

HAPPINES IS WEARING COTTON DIAPERS

[Yvhuce]

I'm still working on managing/overcoming social anxiety. I'm not goinna be ready for a relationship until I can trust people much better than I can right now.

[sarah_ab]

No I probably won't ever be ready. If I'm not willing to be mature enought to just be normal and use the toilet and not use diapers like a baby, then I won't ever be ready to have an adult and mature relationship. It's an oxymoron to be in a mature relationship while pissing your pants daily willingly.

not sure this makes any sense what so ever... if you accept your likes and dislikes, and have come to a place where you are able to engage in them to your satisfaction while suffering no repercussions in your social, work, academic, family life, then you are being mature in your fetish engagement. Enjoying urinating in ones pants does not make one immature, it is the where and when and with whom the person does the urinating that could make him/her immature.

for that matter, enjoying engaging in age play behavior does not make a person immature. I engage in age play behavior with my boyfriend, i greatly enjoy the 'dominance' of being 'forced' into a little girl role. This does not make me immature, and in fact most likely makes me quite mature because not only have i accepted my sexual preferences and am comfortable enough in them to engage with others in a healthy manner, but I am able to have a stable steady relationship with a person, where the age play aspect does not interfere.

[happyindprs]

No I probably won't ever be ready. If I'm not willing to be mature enought to just be normal and use the toilet and not use diapers like a baby, then I won't ever be ready to have an adult and mature relationship. It's an oxymoron to be in a mature relationship while pissing your pants daily willingly.

Oh! But it is Sooooo FUN!!!!

[Jackiewope]

I just got out of a relationship, but because of something not related to ABness at all (got into this after the relationship ended). Shame, too, he probably would have liked it. Gonna give myself time before I find someone else.

Anyway, I'm not super deep into ABness as of yet, and I doubt I ever will be. For me personally, it's a thing I like to do, and not really a lifestyle. Even still, I'd like to find a guy who'd be willing to play along every now and then. =]

[storzech]

I have pretty much gave up on women. I tried a few times and failed. Most females I have ever met seemed ok with the diapers, but I never got past the fifth date. I must really suck a relationships.

[Guest Saturnine]

I have pretty much gave up on women. I tried a few times and failed. Most females I have ever met seemed ok with the diapers, but I never got past the fifth date. I must really suck a relationships.

No you don't suck. It's just that most women want their men to be responsible, adult, mature, and someone who caan be the rock in the relationship. Therefore most women don't want to be with a man who sucks his thumb, or poops himself or pees himself and gets horny off his own fecal waste, or desires to be a baby or act like one. This lifestyle for the most part is the exact opposite of what most women want in their man. So it's not that you suck, but that we all must accept the notion that to be diapered means to be alone in this word, and to possibly die alone. Which is why diapers are good because we may be loners with few social friends, but we always have the comfort of a soft diaper to pee into to make all the problems go away. Most ABDLs are afraid to admit the fetish is of a lowly form and the bottom rung of the social fetish ladder, and that to be a wet baby is to be a lonely baby. Diapers and women don't go together expecially in a relationship.

Has you wondered why almost EVERY ABDL in the world is male? For every ten males there's like one female. That's a sign that ABDLism is for the most part a male fantasy and women don't want any part of it, and most women don't want to be faced with the fact their strong and burly man poos himself in diapers while she is at work.

No, you don't suck. It's more of a situation we all kind of suck in a way.

[AutieAB]

I have pretty much gave up on women. I tried a few times and failed. Most females I have ever met seemed ok with the diapers, but I never got past the fifth date. I must really suck a relationships.

Perhaps the fifth date is too soon, then? I agree 110% with the OP but the timing should not be set in stone. Basically (and with a heavy dose of "IMHO") you need to disclose all at the "Oh crap, this could become something serious!" moment. The first few dates are for getting to know someone's personality. It's only when you get into the realms of being able to trust your partner with intimate secrets and wanting to be with them in the longer term that you should disclose your most vulnerable, private confidences.

I told my wife about a month into our relationship when I suddenly realised that the relationship was becoming serious (the fact that had run up a £100 international call bill was a clue ) and that I had ruined a previous relationship in part (not entirely) because I hadn't been truthful enough about my diaper-wearing and the reasons behind it. I admit to being a coward and telling her over text but she accepted it because she loves me. But there's the paradox. The relationship has to be strong enough at the point of disclosure for the other person to think "it's weird and I don't 'get it' but I still love him/her no matter what, so I should accept it" while at the same time not causing feelings of betrayal because the secret wasn't disclosed sooner.

Has you wondered why almost EVERY ABDL in the world is male? For every ten males there's like one female. That's a sign that ABDLism is for the most part a male fantasy and women don't want any part of it, and most women don't want to be faced with the fact their strong and burly man poos himself in diapers while she is at work.

The only phrase I can think of is "Bollocks". There are plenty of female ABs and DLs - just look around this forum. Fewer than the male population, perhaps, but if you want to find out why, pick a female member at random and ask them how many HNG's they've ignored in the past 12 months

[sarah_ab]

it always makes me giggle when a man seeks to speak for the entirety of the woman part of the species, or when any one person seeks to speak for an entire population of which they are not part of....

but from what i've seen, 1. a woman does not want a man who first and foremost wants to be with her simply because she will change his diapers, she wants a man who wants to be with her, because of ALL she is, not just one aspect of her. 2. there are loads of women here but perhaps they also want someone to change them, and do not want to change someone else. 3. no one wants to be with someone who claims to 'know what they want' or 'knows all about them simply because they are a woman...'

[curiositykilledthecat]

The problem lies in choosing the wrong type of woman. If you are with a submissive or passive woman then trying to be the baby isn't going to work for either of you. The same goes with a woman who wants to have a Daddy and the daddy is too laid back. It just doesn't work. There has to be the right connection with the right two types of people in order for it to work.

[Guest Saturnine]

Simply put: one person must be the submissive and like to wear messy diapers, and one person must be dominant and want to change messy diapers. I for sure would be the sbmissive as I would not want to possible come in contact with another person's feces willingly.

[Codymoogle]

No you don't suck. It's just that most women want their men to be responsible, adult, mature, and someone who caan be the rock in the relationship. Therefore most women don't want to be with a man who sucks his thumb, or poops himself or pees himself and gets horny off his own fecal waste, or desires to be a baby or act like one. This lifestyle for the most part is the exact opposite of what most women want in their man. So it's not that you suck, but that we all must accept the notion that to be diapered means to be alone in this word, and to possibly die alone. Which is why diapers are good because we may be loners with few social friends, but we always have the comfort of a soft diaper to pee into to make all the problems go away. Most ABDLs are afraid to admit the fetish is of a lowly form and the bottom rung of the social fetish ladder, and that to be a wet baby is to be a lonely baby. Diapers and women don't go together expecially in a relationship.

Has you wondered why almost EVERY ABDL in the world is male? For every ten males there's like one female. That's a sign that ABDLism is for the most part a male fantasy and women don't want any part of it, and most women don't want to be faced with the fact their strong and burly man poos himself in diapers while she is at work.

No, you don't suck. It's more of a situation we all kind of suck in a way.

To the bold part #1:

<roflcopter>

So, that means that all relationships that any people in this community have are imaginary? Sure, many people are alone, but it doesn't hold true for everyone, nor will everyone die alone.

</roflcopter>

To the bold part #2:

Where's your statistics? I'm pretty sure that there are more women than you think. A lot are run off by HNGs, though.

~ moogle

[curiositykilledthecat]

I like how my post was completely reiterated immediately after it. I guess what I said made sense then.

[Guest SuperDuperMessy]

What kind of relationship are we talking about? I have a relationship with my mother although it's strained by my love for messydiapers. We get along good though. She allows me to live in her house, although it's in a back bedroom that used to be a storage area which sucks because the hallway is long. If we are talking like marriage relationships I have never dated anyone so I can't say if I would be ready for one. Me and mother make a good team though, it's us against the world. If I did meet a girl on my own (mother sets me up for dates a lot) she wouldnt be into my diapers, especially how often I poop or wet them which is a lot.

[Chubbytyke]

So I did it yesterday. Let me tell you that it couldn't have been worse. I brought it up in a "can i be really open with you" manner. He at first was shocked. Said that I hid it very well. We talked about it and he tried to understand it. He even said that maybe the way we could break the ice with it was both of us to be diapered. (For the record there is far more to this story than I can reveal in this forum) I thought we ended in a good place last night. So today he comes home today and we talk about it more and it ends up being something hes totally not into. I mean at all. I obviously want to put this part of my life aside, but have read so many forums and been through that damned binge and purge cycle so many times. I really want to put it oust his, but is it worth trying? I have a feeling it's going to be with me for awhile. Wish me luck with this situation everyone. I'm going to need it.

[Jackiewope]

I think if you're AB/DL going into a relationship, you shouldn't expect to find someone who'll also be into it. But that goes for anything. You can't be super in love with retro gaming and expect the other person to be into it, too. If they do then wonderful! If not, respect their wishes. You can't go shoving your interests/fetishes in their face if it makes them uncomfortable. If they ditch you because of your interests, then they obviously didn't respect your wishes either.

Sort of like my being a furry, if you don't present it as a super-big lifestyle thing, they other people might not take is as a big deal. But if it is a super-big lifestyle thing to you, then you'll have to find someone who feels the same way about it. That's what I think, anyway.