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abrera

What'S Going On With Me...

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I wanted to do it, last night, I spent a month planning the moment when I'd tell my parents I was fed up with their s**t and if it continued I'd be gone.

But I couldn't, the moment I played so many times in my mind came and I froze up, physically couldn't move and I felt so scared. I simply ran in the end. I locked myself in my room and had far too much to drink.

It's been a long time since I've been that scared, and I don't know why, they hold nothing over me but in that moment it felt so terrifying.

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I wanted to do it, last night, I spent a month planning the moment when I'd tell my parents I was fed up with their s**t and if it continued I'd be gone.

But I couldn't, the moment I played so many times in my mind came and I froze up, physically couldn't move and I felt so scared. I simply ran in the end. I locked myself in my room and had far too much to drink.

It's been a long time since I've been that scared, and I don't know why, they hold nothing over me but in that moment it felt so terrifying.

well it isnt that they dont hold any thin gover you.. it is that they are your family. that you love them even threw all there stupidity. and i would probably do the same. run and hide probably cry tell no one would remember i ran and hid.

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I wanted to do it, last night, I spent a month planning the moment when I'd tell my parents I was fed up with their s**t and if it continued I'd be gone.

But I couldn't, the moment I played so many times in my mind came and I froze up, physically couldn't move and I felt so scared. I simply ran in the end. I locked myself in my room and had far too much to drink.

It's been a long time since I've been that scared, and I don't know why, they hold nothing over me but in that moment it felt so terrifying.

The problem is that you're playing it out in your mind over and over again, you make it seem worse then it would be, even if it goes bad in real life :(. Its a major problem I suffer from as well, and the reality is never as bad as I think its going to be. Anxiety issues don't help me either :(. It is just too easy to lock your self away from everyone, but it doesn't change anything, the problem is still there, and it will keep festering.

Liljenny also hit it on the head, they do hold something over you. They're family, and nothing will change that.

I really don't know what advice to give in this situation, just try to keep a check on the drinking, its never a good thing to get drunk when you're feeling as you are (well as I think you're feeling :X).

*hugs* if you ever need to rant at someone, you know where my pm is :P.

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Thanks I guess :)

I told my middle sister, I found out some things I suspected were true. I've been lied to about certain events in my life and my siblings were told to keep certain things from me, but as my mother has p****d off my sister, she holds no loyalty so I was told.

I want them to use that name again, I want to tell them to go f**k themselves and use the words f**k and themselves, I've never sworn at my parents before but I feel betrayed by them.

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I realize i am not transgenderd but you have my support and sympaties don't give up !! .Even thou that is easier said than done.Being a cross dresser and a sissy ab/dl i have often felt alone but have never had to go through what you are thankfully ! my best wishes to you !

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Thanks I guess :)

I told my middle sister, I found out some things I suspected were true. I've been lied to about certain events in my life and my siblings were told to keep certain things from me, but as my mother has p****d off my sister, she holds no loyalty so I was told.

I want them to use that name again, I want to tell them to go f**k themselves and use the words f**k and themselves, I've never sworn at my parents before but I feel betrayed by them.

i dont sopose you would tell us what things they were told not to tell you about? and if it is to much or would get you to be to angry dont worry about telling us.

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Yeah not going into it.

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I have had situations in life that seemed liked my life was at an end with nowhere to go or nothing else i could do, but believe me that things will work out they always do. My favorite saying now is "Believe In Fate" because i think things happen for a reason. It may seem pointless or wrong in the beginning but it will work out. Hang in there, we are all here to help you. Good Luck Be Strong!

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I'm just going to raise a point about healthcare.

For the past three years I've had chronic rhinitas, I've tried every commercial and a good amount of prescription steroidal nasal spray to cure it and it hasn't worked.

It took me 3 months to get an appointment to see a specialist. I saw him this week and within 20 minutes, he'd worked out the problem and agreed the best solution as surgery.

So I've been booked in for the end of May to have about 1/3 of the nasal tissue removed so that if my sinus' do swell, there will still be an air way. This is going to hurt a lot, but if it works, by the middle of July I'll have something most people take for granted-the ability to breathe.

Just stop to think for a second, breathe in and out through your nose, now imagine what happens when you get a cold and the sinus' swell, and imagine that 24/7. I'm scared of the pain, but I know long term it will be better than the inhibitions I face now.

I wonder through, how can it take 20 minutes to decide on this, yet a year later I am still no closer really to attending Charring Cross.

:/

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Guest MunchKitten

*breathes through her nose* Nope, can't. Oh well. Mouth breathing FTW.

Don't worry, soon the U.S's healthcare will be as annoying as yours!

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I'm just going to raise a point about healthcare.

For the past three years I've had chronic rhinitas, I've tried every commercial and a good amount of prescription steroidal nasal spray to cure it and it hasn't worked.

It took me 3 months to get an appointment to see a specialist. I saw him this week and within 20 minutes, he'd worked out the problem and agreed the best solution as surgery.

So I've been booked in for the end of May to have about 1/3 of the nasal tissue removed so that if my sinus' do swell, there will still be an air way. This is going to hurt a lot, but if it works, by the middle of July I'll have something most people take for granted-the ability to breathe.

Just stop to think for a second, breathe in and out through your nose, now imagine what happens when you get a cold and the sinus' swell, and imagine that 24/7. I'm scared of the pain, but I know long term it will be better than the inhibitions I face now.

I wonder through, how can it take 20 minutes to decide on this, yet a year later I am still no closer really to attending Charring Cross.

:/

the difference is.... that this is specialist in noses right. and he knew what was going on and it isn't a thing that is even to this day up in the air as to weather or not it is considered a illness. or something that needs fixing.... now that isn't saying none of us think that... i am just saying that is the way it is treated. personally i think it isn't exactly a mental illness. in the seance like schizophrenic is, but it is a problem that people can have. it isn't a choice like a lot of people believe. it just is. and we need help and should get the option for it as such that it is for other illnesses. and not just throw medicine at it mind you.

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Being TG isn't a choice, though for those who aren't TG it can become a lifestlye if they want that ;) This is where much of the misunderstanding comes into play :( Being TG isn't a mental illness; rather it is a normal mental condition for some people- you can't change who you are just as you can't change what you like. All you can change is your behavior. It's like ice cream; if you prefer vanilla over chocolate you can choose to eat only chocolate but you're always going to want vanilla instead :huh: Since there's nothing wrong with vanilla there's no reason for you to deny it to yourself or to allow others to keep you from having it :D

The DSM is undergoing changes which are making being TG more mainstream in nature. There are some who believe that being TG should be removed from it. Personally I feel that way, but I don't support it's removal at this time :o Let me explain why. As long as TG is listed, you can receive medical support for it. You can demand legal protections against discrimination. You can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is such a thing as being TG :thumbsup: If the diagnosis is removed we lose medical support- no more scrips for hormones, no more medical monitoring of our liver, in short we will then have to pay for everything ourselves and take the risk of dying suddenly for only doing what we need to do in order to stay alive. We don't have the numbers to support a legal movement like the Gay community does so legal protections will disappear. We will be worse off that way than we are now; even if the current situation is wrong and problematic. The argument that most of us currently have to pay our own way and that there are few anti-discrimination laws now so little would actually change doesn't hold water. Gains are being made in these areas and will continue as long as we keep pushing for them- give up and we will quickly lose everything we've gained. It's going to be a long uphill battle, but this has always been the case with any oppressed people fighting their oppression :(

I think our best course is to first gain the legal status and protections we deserve- it's less likely to be rescinded once it's enacted and proven not to be a problem. We should continue to work with and educate the medical community as we are now, with the end goal of TG becoming a treatable normal medical condition, much as hypertension and diabetes are now. This will allow continued diagnosis and treatment through the medical community. In time everyone is going to wise up to the fact that everyone is different and that's how it's supposed to be- then all discrimination for any reason will end- but that's not going to happen anytime soon. Until then we need all the medical recognition and specific legal protections we can get, even if some of those are a bit restrictive or troublesome. Persistence will get you through right now so persist B)

With enough persistence now, in time our need for it will end. It may not help us directly but it will help those who come after us, and we know they will be coming along, just as we did, because being TG is a normal condition and will therefore never go away :mellow: Keep on persisting Abrera- you'll get there.

Bettypooh

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It's still going to hurt to have 1/3 of my nose taken out XD But this morning's breathing difficulties demonstrate its necessity.

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It's still going to hurt to have 1/3 of my nose taken out XD But this morning's breathing difficulties demonstrate its necessity.

I hear ya: a year or so of nasonex has helped, but not eliminate the issues I have with my sinuses. Ugh. A referral has been put in to see an ear/nose/throat specialist.

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Well, the past day has been a real mindf**k and I really don't know where I stand.

A moments courage comes from the least likely place. I was reminded of who my parents are. It started yesterday evening, I was just starting my tea and an argument started between my parents over supper which ended up with my mother putting my father supper in the bin. Like usual both of them 'went out.' (They drive round the town and come back in a bad mood.)

My father came back first. Stormed into the kitchen, turned to me and stated that I don't do enough for them in this household and if it didn't stop immediately, we'd all split and go our separate ways. I was scared, shaking, tongue tied. Despite disability and the fact we are of equal stature, he is a scary man.

Eventually my mother came back and this 'pulling your weight' argument turned on me again. Then it hit me. One moment where I wasn't scared and I told them that every relationship was give and take, and they were not giving me what I needed, so I was going to take from them what I do for them and they could see what I do.

It all descended into anarchic arguments, my mother recomposed herself and simply laughed off my physiological need for femininity. And then told me if I left, her life would be over.

Every other point bounced back and forth ended in 'it's not always about what you need, you should consider our point of view.' 'no he'll never do that, he's always got to be right.' I was also refused access to my birth certificate.

Frankly I left the argument in tears about 9ish and went to bed.

Today I've said zero words to my mother and had 1 or 2 exchanges with my father. I told him there are 3 options. I can go, they can change, I can die. He told me it's my choice.

So when they wake up or tomorrow, I might as well offer them a last chance, let them decline and tell them I'm leaving.

Oh and I went to my GPs today, they lied to me and I knew it. I do not need my Dr's permission to see my own medical records. My GP phrased the letter to Charring Cross badly, and I have had no response.

And I'm trying to find £50 or so quid to change my name and legal title.

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Today I've said zero words to my mother and had 1 or 2 exchanges with my father. I told him there are 3 options. I can go, they can change, I can die. He told me it's my choice.

So when they wake up or tomorrow, I might as well offer them a last chance, let them decline and tell them I'm leaving.

Abrera. If you are indeed thinking about committing suicide I implore you to TALK to someone. I know that your remark there might not have stated your intention but please do yourself a favour and reach out to someone if you are having such thoughts.

Also I just wanted to state that I know how difficult relationships can be between parents and their kids. While I never had to deal with the issues that you are struggling with, I did need to make choices for myself regardless of how my folks felt. My folks eventually came around. I hope yours will too.

Good luck.

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Please, I have no intentions to die. I can just appreciate that that is 1 of 3 options I am currently presented with.

Just because I can see the worst option, does not automatically mean I'm going to take it. Besides, with my revised list of rules for life, it's almost an impossibility.

I've had a 9 word conversation with my mother today. Gonna go give blood for once again what might be the last time and I'm just waiting for the final bridge to burn.

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Please, I have no intentions to die. I can just appreciate that that is 1 of 3 options I am currently presented with.

Just because I can see the worst option, does not automatically mean I'm going to take it. Besides, with my revised list of rules for life, it's almost an impossibility.

I've had a 9 word conversation with my mother today. Gonna go give blood for once again what might be the last time and I'm just waiting for the final bridge to burn.

*hugs* i will say this. i cant say i know exactly how hard it is to deal with this. but using my personal experiences and what i have observed and what you have said. i can gather that it is really hard. that being said... most parents see there relationship with there kids as: i gave you life and took care of you and have given so much for you, now i want it all back in return... but what the don't realize is that you have done a lot for them. and some times they are selfish, but when you are grown and you have the responsibility to yourself to have a good and happy life, there are things you need to do for yourself.

i know how you feel with wanting your parents to accept it and help you. i feel the same way with the rest of my family. i don't know who will be there and who wont be. but my out look on it is this. if they love you and want to be in your life they will come around some time, may not be today may not be tomorrow. hell may not even be tell you are 80 years old and they are about to die of old age or something. but if they want to be in your life they will change.

but as i was trying to say. you need to do things to make your life a happy one. i don't know what all the statement was that the caring cross got. but i think you should go to them and say hay. this is a bunch of bs. you know my problem, and even if it is worded differently that doesn't mean i shouldn't get help.

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I got a letter today, from the Gender Identity Clinic.

It simply says they may be willing to see me, only on the condition that my Primary Care Trust approves funding before CC's 'time clock' runs out.

Essentially, it's out of my hands, if in however long they have got to agree, my PCT agrees to pay the (frankly extortionate amount of) money for a consultation, then I may get to go and see a specialist. If however they delay or decline, then that's it, I am refused and have to start again.

I hope it gets rubber stamped, but based on past experience with how the world works, I get the feeling it won't be, or won't be done within timings. Maybe my luck with this sort of stuff will change XD

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Kinda reminds me of this girl in my psych class yesterday , we were on the topic of genetic disorders where a child receives off amounts of both sex hormones and gets both sets of sexual organs, that led to transgenders, which led to her commenting (about 6 or 7 times at the top of her lungs , shes loud , obnoxious , and just plain stupid) that "gays and lesbians are going to hell , and transvestites are possessed by demons". I diden't feel like beating her in front of the class and it probably would have been considered a hate crime , so I just let it go. In hindsight I shoudnt have , but ehh , nothing to do about it now.

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Kinda reminds me of this girl in my psych class yesterday , we were on the topic of genetic disorders where a child receives off amounts of both sex hormones and gets both sets of sexual organs, that led to transgenders, which led to her commenting (about 6 or 7 times at the top of her lungs , shes loud , obnoxious , and just plain stupid) that "gays and lesbians are going to hell , and transvestites are possessed by demons". I diden't feel like beating her in front of the class and it probably would have been considered a hate crime , so I just let it go. In hindsight I shoudnt have , but ehh , nothing to do about it now.

We just disturb her creationist view of the world.

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