Coming Out To Parents.

[Guest MunchKitten]

If you read my last thread about my parents, you learned that they aren't the most accepting in the world, but I'm not hiding the fact I'm transgender anymore... Heres the letter I'm giving to my parents sometime next weekend after I talk with my therapist and the the LGBT group at school. Feedback is welcome.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It's time I got this off my chest. I've been hiding something for years and years (and more importantly the last few months as even I come to terms with this), but I'm whats called a transgender. Which is simply put, I'm a Female trapped in a Male's body, I don't know any way to put this simpler.

I have unfortunately been lying about where I have been going the better part of last month for fear of what you'd think of what I was up to. Its nothing bad, its just been support for what I've been coming to terms with. The 2nd week when I said I was going to see Kenny I went to a group that is called PFLAG which is Parents and families of Lesbians and Gays which helped because their the parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender kids. Geek club is really Equality Club, a club for people who are LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender). Kenny last Thursday and probably Tuesday was really to a Therapist who specializes in LGBT people recommended by the leader of PFLAG and Equality Group. (and if your wondering how I've been paying, she does Pro Bono work if you don't have insurance or a job).

Being transgender isn't without its problems. It is largely the least documented and understood part of LGBT, and is plagued by prejudice and discrimination. We're not protected under the Sexual protection act in Illinois. (It is illegal for companies to not hire people because of their sexual orientation (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual). Such laws right now do exist in Illinois for Gender protection, although a lot of companies have found loopholes that allow them not to follow it (although they can still be sued on the basis of sexual discrimination from what I have read.)

There are two types of Transgender, Male to Female, and Female to Male. I am Male to Female. People oftentimes compare Transgender to Cross dressing, but they are nowhere near the same. Cross dressers do it for a sexual thrill. Transgenders' do it because it makes them feel like they are in their correct bodies. Although Transgenders' don't stop with just the clothing. They usually start hormones to start changing their body into the correct form (estrogen for Males to Females, and testosterone for Females to Males). Also depending on the money aspect, many have what is called FFS (Feminine Facial Surgery, to give Male to Females are more feminine look), breast augmentation, and SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery, where the sexual organs are changed to be more fitting of the person.) Granted you can't have children, Modern surgery isn't that good yet for transgenders, although it is getting better.

I first realized that I was in the wrong body when I was 8 or 9 (from what comes back in memory, I know we were still in Ingleside at the time) I didn't want to play with boy toys, and I didn't want to do sports, I wanted to do girly things. After a few months I managed to shove the thoughts to the back of mind, although I believe when my depression started.

Fast forward to the last few months when I was thinking about what I want to do with my life and this came into my mind again, and I figure if I try and shove it back into the deep dark recesses of my mind it will once again pop into my mind again at a later time, past when a lot of transgenders' come out, and start transitioning. Coming out now allows me to start being who I WANT to be sooner, rather than later.

I have been open about myself at school and at the coffee shop, and there are a lot of accepting people there. Equality group is full of awesome accepting people, and another transgender. I met another transgender at the meeting. I had met her parents at PFLAG, and they were 100% accepting of her, buying her clothes, getting her the therapy she needs (Ironically the same one I'm going to), etc. (She is 17 and goes to *school*.)

What I guess I'm trying to say is, I'm not asking you to help me through all of this (although encouragement and support is nice), I just don't want to hide this from you anymore. Since I came to terms with my gender, I have been much happier as an individual, and I'm glad I have been able to find support. I know its going to be a long journey of ups and downs, but I'm on a path that will lead me to being a happier person.

I borrowed a lot of books from the library on the subject hoping to make myself sound all informed and like, but I figured it would be easier just to say it as it is without trying to sugar coat it (and less confusing, I still need a dictionary for some words).

On Netflix Streaming on the Blu-Ray there is a TV documentary called “Transgeneration

[Bettypooh]

I hope it goes well for you It sounds as good as it can get, perhaps some TG explaining web addys might add to it. Were it me (and it's not) I'd end with "Love, (real name)" instead of calling myself their 'son'. I still wish I had transitioned earlier in life- my age is one of the reasons I decided to try to continue living as a guy When my own gender issues came to the forefront of my life and I thought I was going to transition I told my Mom. We had a very long talk about it and while she didn't understand very well she did express that her love was unconditional Dad was long deceased but I told my immediate family members too (with equally good results). The point I concentrated on with Mom was that this was not her fault and that she had been as good a parent as possible and that I appreciated that. I also made it clear that if she wanted me to drop out of her life that I would do so quietly before anyone outside of my family learned about me. Rejection is always a possibility so I hope you've got plans to survive on if things don't go as good as we hope they will. The saddest stories I've ever heard happened when parents threw their own children out when they came out, and the child had nowhere to go You have to be yourself- there's no other option if you want any happiness. Just bear in mind that they will grieve for what seems to them a 'loss' of their son for awhile but with enough love the gaining of a daughter (who is finally happy in life) will make up for that in time. Don't let any anger in to the situation, that never accomplishes any good.

No matter what remember that you have friends here who care about you. May your life's journey bring you many roses in full bloom with as few thorns as possible

Bettypooh

[Guest MunchKitten]

"so I hope you've got plans to survive on if things don't go as good as we hope they will." I have my ways for survival if I do get thrown out, not pretty (but not whoring myself).. but I'd be fine for a while.

[Brutal]

"so I hope you've got plans to survive on if things don't go as good as we hope they will." I have my ways for survival if I do get thrown out, not pretty (but not whoring myself).. but I'd be fine for a while.

I don't claim to know anything about the issues of coming out to parents with regard to transgender.

But I'd tell you that I'd be hurt by a letter, because it says my son doesn't think we'll accept his decision. Hence why he sent a letter... instead of talking about it with us.

Parents typically know deep down that their kids are not "vanilla". My parents simply asked me after an Ex outted me. My dad smiled, said "REALLY?" and then said, "Well she was hot son, I've still got all of the Bertstain Bears books if you want them for your next girlfriend."

He was totally cool about it. So was my mother.

But again, I didn't spring it on them out of the blue. Someone else did. So they did the favor for me.

I wasn't scared to tell them, I just didn't think it was important to discuss. Afterall, I never ask about my parents sex life... why would they want to know about mine?

Ask yourself why you want to come out? Is it because you want acceptance from them? Or is it a deeper issue like guilt or something else?

In many ways I think people come out for the wrong reasons. If it's not to forge a stronger deeper more intimate (non-sexual of course) relationship with someone then kudos! If it's because you just can't take it anymore, then in my mind it's not reasonable to expect them to enjoy being handed a huge emotional event.

Before you do anything in life... even speak to someone... ask yourself "What do I really want to accomplish?" and then ask yourself "Is what I am about to do going to bring me closer to that or push me further away?"

By the way, as someone who has taught message effectiveness for a living... you need to think about the elevator story concept. You're trying to give them a nine course meal on a single plate with that email.

It's too long. It goes from "I have to get this off my chest so deal with it" to "Let me show you why it's okay" to "Let me educate you because I don't think you have a clue".

Frankly, letters in my book are a bad idea. Because they are durable and transferrable. Once written they can never be taken back. You can always let memories fade and recall get fuzzy. But it snaps back into 20/20 focus the minute they re-read the letter.

It also means that you are assuming they'll read all of the letter. Most people will stop reading and become unreceptive to the rest of the message.

I'm not in your high heels, but if I were... I'd delay it and in October tell your mom you've been invited to a charity halloween party. Tell her you're going in drag because you and a friend think it's be hillarious. Take photos. Gauge her reaction. If it's good, tell her. Yeah, it was fun, I might do it again. Ease into it. If she freaks, well you've got your answer.

Don't go off half cocked. Going full out isn't going to make things better in all probability.

Again, I'm going to caveat this by stating I haven't come out as TG to my parents... because I'm not.

I have told a few select friends and other family members and it's gone well for me. But I didn't blast them with it and I delivered the message with confidence and without pressure for them to accept it. The more you push people the harder they typically withdraw. If you negotiate from a position of weakness (i.e. PLEASE LOVE ME!) people are going to interpret it for a lack of conviction. In other words, if they don't accept it, maybe you'll change your mind without their support.

It's a tough nut to crack kiddo. But I would advise you to REALLY think about it. Ask yourself how you'd want to be told by your own child something so difficult to accept for most parents. I already know you wouldn't want a letter.

Good luck and think it through. Nobody ever said they lost a war because they planned and prepared too well.

-Brutal

[Guest MunchKitten]

everyone except my family knows about this, and why do I want to come out? I'm sick of hiding it and stuff. And it's being a problem around the home.

[Guest MunchKitten]

I changed it to Brad/Katelin

[babypat80]

I changed it to Brad/Katelin

I might leave out the part about how "it came back into your mind again a few months ago"... or at least word it differently. The way you have it might convince your parents that this is something that is sporadic with you, and that maybe you'll forget about it in a few months. I realize you already said you began feeling this way when you were 9 or whatever, but your parents will probably be looking for any reason to tell you that "you dont really want this"/"you'll change your mind", etc.

[Guest MunchKitten]

even if I didn't have that in there they'd say that.. everything is just a "phase" especially with me messing around with guys, although that's been going on for 4 years now

[Guest MunchKitten]

LOL, my doctor already said I'm trans, so that particular argument won't work! and I get my hormones whenever I get a doctor *does a lil dance*

[Dougie]

I have no idea what you are going through as a TG. I would ask you to take the word "death" out. It immediately sent bad thoughts into my mind in the form or suicide. As a parent, I would be terrified that you would kill yourself if I can't accept who you want to be. Please don't use that word, or anything else that conveys negative implications like "if things don't workout", "if you can't love me for who I want to be", "I don't know what I'll do if you don't". All of those phrases are designed to inflict guilt, and will only drive you and your parents apart. Keep it all positive and looking to the future for a good relationship. Say things that instill confidence and hope. And never tell them "If you can't love me foe who I am I'll never..." that is a sure bet to cause a lot of pain and damage to both you and your parents.

Also, take out the sentence about the library. It indicates that your letter is a product of that library. It would be better that you simply say it comes from your heart, and you love them with all of your heart.

Be positive, confident, and open to any answer you get. It may take a long time for your parents to digest, think over, and eventually accept what you are telling them. "No answer" means they are still thinking about it. Don't pressure for the answer. Pressure will lead to a the wrong answer. Be patient and wait for them to approach you about it. They will talk when they are ready.

This comes from a parent that is with currently dealing with acceptance of many things and on many levels, so take it with a grain of salt.

[Guest MunchKitten]

If that's within the next 20 weeks then that is NOT fair.

20 weeks I've been sitting here to see a doctor. 3 weeks to get an appointment to go ask my GP when I will see a doctor. If I get Bristol, then I can start maybe June/July. Charring cross I have to live without them for a couple years

*Goes off to rant*

But I'm glad that you're doing well

I wouldn't be getting my hormones if A) I had to pay my therapist (a friend pulled some strings for me)

and , I have no insurance (or money) for a doctor yet.. *sigh*

and to 20 weeks ish, America does a lot of stuff wrong, SOMETIMES something goes right for the little girl!

[Guest MunchKitten]

*hands you all my boi-boi clothes, some petrol, and a match* Have fun.

My teacher in psych outed me today during class. He had us raise our hand if we were in any groups.. I raised my hand, as did two others (one of them is in the same group as me)..

But he went "Brad, what groups are you involved with." "LGBT related groups" "whats that?" and the SECOND I went "lesbian Gay bisexual *pause* transgender" he had the "Oh Fuck I forgot" Look on his face.. The other girl in LGBT group looked at me and sighed.. What practicing therapist DOESN'T know what LGBT Stands for?!... Wanker.

[Guest MunchKitten]

Yay, I'm out to my parents now, only one refuses to talk to me..

[Bettypooh]

Yay, I'm out to my parents now, only one refuses to talk to me..

WOOHOO!!! I know you feel a lot of weight off your shoulders Now it's time to give everyone time to let the news sink in. If their reaction is adverse, remember that love can overcome anything given enough time. Let the real you shine now and they'll catch on soon enough

Bettypooh

[zoe]

I hope you the best with your family situation. As a parent myself, there would be nothing my son could do that would make me not love him. I just want him to be happy and independent, and I don't care how he gets there. Sure, I hope he has a "normal" life, whatever that is. But if he doesn't want to be that way, it's his life! It's what makes HIM happy.

So what happened with your other parent? The one that is talking to you. Are they supportive or are they just merely talking to you because they are "supposed" to? If the one is supportive, I'm sure the other will come around. I'm not saying you'll be welcome to just do what you please though.

Best of luck and congrats on your courage to come out.

[zoe]

Hypocritical? Please explain...

[zoe]

I apologize for not clarifying. I was not speaking specifically about my son's gender. I was speaking about a range of topics, to include gender, sexuality, or whether he wants to wear diapers. If he walks up to me one day and says "Dad, I'm a girl on the inside. I want to be called Susie", then I don't have a problem doing that.