I Am Sick Of Who I Am.

[Sophie ♥]

I hate being a boy. It is torturing my psyche.

My baby side and girly side are directly connected, and recently my girly desires have increased to the point where I can no longer meet them. It's either making me want to completely erase my girly and baby side or alter my body. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me.

I am sure all the other people like this are faced with the same problems, but a sex change means telling my family. I can't deal with that. It means telling my best friends. I cant do that either.

Beyond that if I ever decide that I change my mind and I would have rather been kept a boy, changing back wont feel the same as having been a boy to begin with. Then if I want children, even if I did freeze some sperm, the kid would have two moms and I would have to explain that.

I want to be able to dress like a girl, even in public, to look girly, to wear skirts and Hello Kitty things. To wear pink and to wear purple and be okay with it. I want to wear things in my hair. I want girl parts, top and bottom. I don't want a bulge when I am in girl underwear. I want girl curves. I want to have sex like a girl would, even though I am asexual that still means something to me. I am starting to think I am only asexual just because I am a boy.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I needed to vent... and I need advice. This has been going on for about two months, and I cant deal with the thoughts that run through my head anymore. The fantasies aren't making a boy into a helpless girl anymore... now it's how a shy girl is made to wear diapers and act like a baby. Even the story I was writing about feminization bears no interest to me anymore.

I just wish I was born as someone else.

-Sophie

[PArms]

Sophie, you're being completely honest with yourself and I admire that. You'll figure out the right answer soon.

[Saschadzg]

I am sure all the other people like this are faced with the same problems, but a sex change means telling my family. I can't deal with that. It means telling my best friends. I cant do that either.

I am starting to think I am only asexual just because I am a boy.

Hallo Sophie,

You will still remain the child of your parents. After intial shock, they will try to unterstand. It is better to have a happy child then a depressive mind torturing one. Friends who cannot accept your true self are not real friends, they would probably leave you in other difficult situations, too.

With the right body parts I m just exploring myself like a teenage girl. Now I like to look into the mirror naked wheras before it was the purest horror.

Babygirl Kvetinka

PS: You are welcome to ask further questions

[Sophie ♥]

It's that whole transition period I woudn't tolerate well... and I talked to Mommy about it... and I think she favors me staying a boy. I can't really read her mind though.

My moods are a little better today... not so "black and white"... It wont last, and I know that... but it's a good time for me to relax a bit.

As for my family and all, I don't want to change physically mainly because of my brother. He's my best friend and if things change between us I wont forgive myself.

-Sophie

[crys_138]

"I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship across the universe. The ship stays in place and the engines move the universe around it."

Felt like it fit. See, the problem is that when one does transition, it's not supposed to be about anyone else, it's supposed to be about what you want and need. Transition should be a self-centered process - only the person actually transitioning should matter in the decision process. The problems start coming into play when others are allowed to become involved in the process, and you've rattled them off... your brother, your family, your best friends, your Mommy, even your hypothetical future child.

Next time you feel like your original post's opening line, step back from everything, shut everything and everyone out. The world no longer exists nor do any people, any choice you choose to make will affect no one but yourself. Society and its norms do not exist. There is no city, no country, no Planet Earth and no universe. History never occurred. The future will not happen. There is no present tense. Nothing else exists but you, frozen at that one moment. Then ask yourself what you want, or what you need. If you've still got doubts after factoring out everything else that could but should not influence the decision, then don't consider it.

And for $deity's sake, don't let me influence the decision either! The only thing that matters is what you need. Only you matter as far as any transition-or-don't-transition choice goes.

[Saschadzg]

He's my best friend and if things change between us I wont forgive myself.

Hi Sophie,

As you keep your basic character it does not matter whether your are sister or brother. You should let your feeling decide.

Kvetinka

[Sophie ♥]

There seems to be a theme developing, and perhaps I am not being narcisistic enough, but I can't simply go off whatever I want.

Truth of the matter is, it affects everyone I come into contact with. It affects all the people i rattled off and it affects my future and my plans and all. I can't just throw that out the window until after I decide. It's the reactions of others that will or will not get me through this properly.

As for "how I feel", aside from the fact that i think 5'9 or so is a bit too tall to be the sort of girl I want to look like, I could most certainly picture myself as a girl for the rest of my life. It would be better in the long run, I believe, but it's the immidiate responses that will drive me to anxiety attacks and what not. I've already encountered similar things like this so far in just the past two or three days since my mood really started darkening... and I am not sure if you've ever had one, but panic attacks scare the crap out of me.

Also I don't have the cash for the operation right now anyway. So let's expand this topic to temporarily solutions to make me feel more... feminine... that hopefully will not change my body until I come up with a verdict...

-Sophie

[redneck diaper boy]

Have you seen a therapist? They really help and well worth the expense.

I hate being a boy. It is torturing my psyche.

My baby side and girly side are directly connected, and recently my girly desires have increased to the point where I can no longer meet them. It's either making me want to completely erase my girly and baby side or alter my body. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me.

I am sure all the other people like this are faced with the same problems, but a sex change means telling my family. I can't deal with that. It means telling my best friends. I cant do that either.

Beyond that if I ever decide that I change my mind and I would have rather been kept a boy, changing back wont feel the same as having been a boy to begin with. Then if I want children, even if I did freeze some sperm, the kid would have two moms and I would have to explain that.

I want to be able to dress like a girl, even in public, to look girly, to wear skirts and Hello Kitty things. To wear pink and to wear purple and be okay with it. I want to wear things in my hair. I want girl parts, top and bottom. I don't want a bulge when I am in girl underwear. I want girl curves. I want to have sex like a girl would, even though I am asexual that still means something to me. I am starting to think I am only asexual just because I am a boy.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I needed to vent... and I need advice. This has been going on for about two months, and I cant deal with the thoughts that run through my head anymore. The fantasies aren't making a boy into a helpless girl anymore... now it's how a shy girl is made to wear diapers and act like a baby. Even the story I was writing about feminization bears no interest to me anymore.

I just wish I was born as someone else.

-Sophie

[Sophie ♥]

I can't afford a therapist... trust me, I'd love one. There are many problems aside from my AB and sissy parts that I need a lot of help with...

I just need some money and a therapist I wont think is wasting my time. I am a very picky person.

-Sophie

[Saschadzg]

Also I don't have the cash for the operation right now anyway. So let's expand this topic to temporarily solutions to make me feel more... feminine... that hopefully will not change my body until I come up with a verdict...

Hi,

I know friends from Canada who immigrated to Germany for purpose of SRS as it is covered by health insurance here. Germany is a defacto immigration country and we need university students or skilled professionals.

German citizenship law is based an ancestry, so when you can prove relatives in Germany, it becomes much easier.

Kvetinka

[Baby Bethany]

So let's expand this topic to temporarily solutions to make me feel more... feminine... that hopefully will not change my body until I come up with a verdict...

-Sophie

This may sound like an obvious question Sophie, but to what extent do you crossdress now? I mean as an adult woman, not baby girl.

Beth

[PArms]

This may sound like an obvious question Sophie, but to what extent do you crossdress now? I mean as an adult woman, not baby girl.

Beth

In addition, do you treat yourself as a woman? For example: When not diapered, do you sit to pee? Use the ladies room? Shop for makeup?

[Youngatheart252]

Though I am not a sissy I believe, to en extent, I understand what your going through.

My AB side and what I would refer to as my "normal image" are forever at odds for the obvious reasons but sometimes it gets to the point that I wish I could rip myself in half just so some part of me could be happy with who they are. What's worse is the knowledge that I can't fix this, there is no operation, no therapist, no drugs that will allow me to be whole. T^he fight against the AB side drove me to find enjoyment in all the things on the other side of the spectrum. Tattoos, racing cars, hunting, airsoft, anything with violence or adrenalin. Leaving me a great divide in which I know reside. So though it may not be much help, at least take comfort in the idea that your situation is not isolated, not even just to sissies.

[Sophie ♥]

I don't often play the "adult woman" role... I am often a baby girl. That's not to say I wouldn't enjoy an adult role every once in a while. I think I will play with that a bit more...

I do crossdress, more in Mommy's clothes than my baby girl ones. Skirts and shirts that fit Mommy and I'll sometimes wear a bra or soemthing of hers. I wear girly underwear too, but they are not comfortable. I need more comfortable ones... and to top it off, I can't stand the "boyish" look of me in girl underwear... you know... bulge and all. Makes me feel weird.

As for treating myself as a woman... I think this might be a good direction to take. I do not sit when I use the restroom, but when at home and at Mommy's or a private bathroom I think I will try that... it might make me feel a bit better. I don't use public ladies restrooms or shop for makeup (alone). I don't look the part enough to be able to pass as a real girl when I'm not dressed up...

I also don't like makeup too much. Not just on me, but on others. I like blush and cover up. That's about it...

Right now I will experiment with the "sitting down potty tactic". Anything else folks? This is really more helpful than I imagined...

Thank you.

-Sophie

[Baby Bethany]

I don't often play the "adult woman" role... I am often a baby girl. That's not to say I wouldn't enjoy an adult role every once in a while. I think I will play with that a bit more...

Right now I will experiment with the "sitting down potty tactic". Anything else folks? This is really more helpful than I imagined...

Thank you.

-Sophie

Based on that, if you want to actually crossdress properly it doesn't sound like you've gone that far. There are plenty of things you could do........go to a T shop and get some decent foundation wear for one. This will change your body shape and those bulges that you don't want.

Beth

[Saschadzg]

This will change your body shape and those bulges that you don't want.

The second best job in hiding the bulges does a thick diaper. If it is thick enough, you will not have to go to the restrooms oustside of your home.

Kvetinka

[Saschadzg]

Right now I will experiment with the "sitting down potty tactic". Anything else folks? This is really more helpful than I imagined...

You can also try a female or androgynous first name for being addressed by friends. That was the first I actually had.

Babygirl Kvetinka

[Sophie ♥]

T shop? Where do I find those.....? And i'm not exactly sure how it's going to give me the right body shape, but I would love to look into it. As for a diaper, it's the #1 way I conceal the bulges and all, but doesn't work well when I want to be an adult woman... which seems to be more now than it used to be.

I also let a few of my friends aside from Mommy call me Sophie. And some of my other friends nicknamed me Lulu, since by a form of slang, the deffinition is any remarkable or outstanding person or thing. *blushes*

-Sophie

[Baby Bethany]

T shop? Where do I find those.....? And i'm not exactly sure how it's going to give me the right body shape, but I would love to look into it. As for a diaper, it's the #1 way I conceal the bulges and all, but doesn't work well when I want to be an adult woman... which seems to be more now than it used to be.

I also let a few of my friends aside from Mommy call me Sophie. And some of my other friends nicknamed me Lulu, since by a form of slang, the deffinition is any remarkable or outstanding person or thing. *blushes*

-Sophie

You will have to look up Transvestite stores, all the ones I know are in the UK.

What I mean by 'right' body shape is that woman have curves that we don't, i.e. they have hips and breasts. We are pretty much straight up and down. You can buy underwear to give you that shape, although just wearing heels will give you some of it by pushing your bottom out. You also mentioned the bulge, which is obvious if you're wearing a tight skirt. Again that can be changed. As for breasts/cleavage, well you can either buy fake or you can do what I did when I was young and poor, i.e. wax your chest and use tape......you just have to know the trick!!

Beth

[Sophie ♥]

I'll look into it tomorrow. I have plans tonight.

I naturally have hips, but my tummy is a bit big... i might buy a corset. Actually, I asked one of my friends for one for christmas. The breasts and getting rid of the bulge are my main concern in appearance. Also finding the proper outfits... since I dont know my sizes and I am too shy to try on girl clothes in a store most of the time.

-Sophie

[Baby Bethany]

I'll look into it tomorrow. I have plans tonight.

I naturally have hips, but my tummy is a bit big... i might buy a corset. Actually, I asked one of my friends for one for christmas. The breasts and getting rid of the bulge are my main concern in appearance. Also finding the proper outfits... since I dont know my sizes and I am too shy to try on girl clothes in a store most of the time.

-Sophie

No, don't go trying on girls clothes in the store........they'll call security!

Can't you try on your gf's clothes and get an idea from there?

Beth

[Saschadzg]

No, don't go trying on girls clothes in the store........they'll call security!

That´s mean. The store owners want to sell, not make any moral judgments. In Germany, there´s no problem in larger cities, but maybe in remoted rural areas. It is better to buy in a normal store then to pay four times the price (including perverts´ surcharge) in a T*shop.

For the chicken, there are enough serious mail order shops for female cloths.

Kvetinka

[Baby Bethany]

That´s mean. The store owners want to sell, not make any moral judgments. In Germany, there´s no problem in larger cities, but maybe in remoted rural areas. It is better to buy in a normal store then to pay four times the price (including perverts´ surcharge) in a T*shop.

For the chicken, there are enough serious mail order shops for female cloths.

Kvetinka

I've honestly never attempted to try anything on in the store. Mainly because I always knew my size, but probably yeah a bit chicken too, lol. I think the thing I would have found most usful to try on would be the shoes, because I bought many which didn't fit that well despite what the size said on the label.

I would be interested to hear from any guys that have asked to try on fem items in the store (when they are obviously a guy, not a girl) and the reaction of the staff. Was it good or bad?

Beth

[lynniehyde]

I've honestly never attempted to try anything on in the store. Mainly because I always knew my size, but probably yeah a bit chicken too, lol. I think the thing I would have found most usful to try on would be the shoes, because I bought many which didn't fit that well despite what the size said on the label.

I would be interested to hear from any guys that have asked to try on fem items in the store (when they are obviously a guy, not a girl) and the reaction of the staff. Was it good or bad?

Beth

If you're dressed like a baby girl and are trying on girlie shoes, no one will make a comment. You'll get some stares and giggles, of course. Beyond that, no harm, no foul. My experience, anyway.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[underwhere]

I've honestly never attempted to try anything on in the store. Mainly because I always knew my size, but probably yeah a bit chicken too, lol. I think the thing I would have found most usful to try on would be the shoes, because I bought many which didn't fit that well despite what the size said on the label.

I would be interested to hear from any guys that have asked to try on fem items in the store (when they are obviously a guy, not a girl) and the reaction of the staff. Was it good or bad?

Beth

I haven't really played around with any of this stuff that much, though I will admit to having just a mild interest in it that I do hope to explore a bit more someday. The closest I've come so far is trying on some panties, and while I did enjoy that to a certain extent, it felt a bit lacking for me. Maybe I need to try something a bit more than that. Once I dressed up for Halloween wearing a wig and dress costume, but I will confess that it felt like and looked like a costume, so I think there is something very different there.

Anyway, the reason I'm responding to this comment is to say that, as a child, I had really bad feet. Ultimately, that was corrected by surgery when I was in highschool, but as a young child, I often fit much better in girl-sized shoes than boy-sized shoes. I don't recall ever wearing anything particularly girly-looking, though. I don't recall anybody ever passing judgment on me because of that. I never wore high heels (never wanted to) but being able to wear shoes that fit me was always a tremendous relief. I didn't care whether they were technically boy shoes or girl shoes so long as I was not in pain, and to the best of my knowledge, nobody else really noticed or cared.