Bondage-of-the Mind

[runaway]

I’m in my own personal bondage hell … bondage of the mind. Almost my entire existence is trapped inside my head unable to be physically expressed. That is the way it will stay forever. I’ll never be able to act upon any of my true sexual desires; my deep-seeded fantasies.

I see a woman I’m instantly attracted to and smile; give her a once over, twice over with my eyes, and pass her by without even thinking about approaching her. My mind screams, longing to dip my tongue into her and make her moan; to make ligature marks on her wrists, arms, thighs as she struggles … fighting herself to experience all of the pain and pleasure in the same space as I devour all of her pulsing folds.

No … I’m bound by my own impotence. My impulse to focus my attention in her direction decays exponentially the more I want her. The quicker I cut off awareness to the connection I feel between my legs and hers, heightens my weakness. I instantly know … when my lungs hitch, when my eyes quickly cast away in the opposite direction, when I need to flee from the spot I’m standing … I know there is one more chain wrapped around the trunk that contains the part of me that can never ever be free.

[Topguy]

Not everyone is going to reject you.

[runaway]

Not everyone is going to reject you.

Rejection or certainty, it doesn’t matter. I’m not self-loathing; it is an uncontrollable internal restraint that keeps me from acting. It is the same kind of oddity that keeps me from being able to talk sometimes … no matter how much I want to, it just won’t come out. It can happen in normal conversation … I’m asked a personal question (this is usually the case) and my ability to speak temporarily disappears. My ability to act upon my attractions … same thing; I can’t do it. I don’t fear rejection … I probably fear acceptance.

I’ve learned that I’m not attracted to any woman that is attracted to me first. I’ve not led a completely solitary existence, but given my past experiences and current views … I’m certain my mind-bondage prevents any real intimacy entering my bed; and I’m not into casual, meaningless sex.

I didn’t post this for advice. I posted because many men think women have it easy when it comes to “finding someone” just because we’re women. I’m not really looking … but you know what I mean. I’m not unattractive and could hook up with someone, but I don’t want ‘just someone’. I want for my inhibitions to fade … I want to be the dominant one … I want to be respected and even feared at times. I want love. But love … mutual love … I’ve never experienced it. Some have proclaimed to love me (I’ll never know if it was true) … but I am not sure I’m capable of loving anyone … another facet of the mind-bondage impasse.

Blah, Blah … ok, this thread is closed. Posted as is for those that can relate … doesn’t help anyone really, but just something I’d thought I’d share with those who think the ass is cleaner on the other side.

[Huggie]

Hia Runawy,

It is a good thing that you just don't run after "whoever" to have someone - I believe that your patience will be rewarded one day. I am sure it is just as hard for a girl to find a suitable girl as it is for a boy to find the same. Our inner selves know what we are looking for regarding physical and emotional traits wanted and of course you top that with the worry of an alternative lifestyle, much added consideration/concern is brought on. Good luck with your quest for this young lady that has your attention...I hope you find someone There is someone out there who will want you and learn to understand you.

Huggie