Help!

[Sleepy]

A good friend of mine recently began his quest to explore his sexuality and persue his goal in being a transgender.

I am one to embrace all aspects of sexuality and such and I do not belive in dumping out somone in the cold because they follow a particular lifestyle,with this being said,I also believe in a sort of "sacredness" to the subject and I beleive that one should not desecrate a lifestyle.

The problem I have is that I think he is being a slob about his sexuality and he is beginning to irritate me doing things such as-

- Being pushy on those who do not wish to partake such activites

- Inciting arguments with those who are not accepting of the aforementioned

- The excessive abuse of "services" offered by mistresses

- Constant abuse of others who where there for him in the first place

he seems to forget those who where there for him when no one else was there to support him

and care about him.

I can take comstructive critisism with a grain of salt and chock it up to life experience if I am wrong for thinking the way I do with him,so fire away and tell me what you think and what I should do.

I am not a prude about what he does but if he thinks this is funny to hurt others with this I will kick him to the cold to

make him learn to be nice.

[Codymoogle]

First of all:

Being transgender isn't a goal, and it isn't a "lifestyle".

Sexual orientation (gay, lesbian, bi, or straight) is completely different than gender identity (what gender you indentify with: male, female, both, neither, or anywhere inbetween.), and sexual orientation has little to nothing to do with gender identity, and vice versa.

I highly suggest you read these articles (yes, they're from Wiki, but they provide some good information):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_orientation

As far as the "being a slob about his sexuality" - The problems that irk you don't seem to be stemming from his sexual orientation, whatever it may be.

It just sounds like he is being abusive and perhaps "on the defensive", if you will...If I were to take a guess, it may just be his way of coping with the struggles of being different in a society that expects conformity to all social norms.

Take note please that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or doctor of any kind so I am not qualified to give medical advice.

As far as the situation of why he's doing the above things, I could be wrong, of course, but that's my evaluation of it. I hope I helped in some way.

Take care,

- C.J.

PS -

I am not a prude about what he does but if he thinks this is funny to hurt others with this I will kick him to the cold to make him learn to be nice.

Two wrongs don't make a right, you know. "Kicking him to the cold" will NOT help matters.

[Sleepy]

First of all:

Being transgender isn't a goal, and it isn't a "lifestyle".

Sexual orientation (gay, lesbian, bi, or straight) is completely different than gender identity (what gender you indentify with: male, female, both, neither, or anywhere inbetween.), and sexual orientation has little to nothing to do with gender identity, and vice versa.

I highly suggest you read these articles (yes, they're from Wiki, but they provide some good information):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_orientation

As far as the "being a slob about his sexuality" - The problems that irk you don't seem to be stemming from his sexual orientation, whatever it may be.

It just sounds like he is being abusive and perhaps "on the defensive", if you will...If I were to take a guess, it may just be his way of coping with the struggles of being different in a society that expects conformity to all social norms.

Take note please that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or doctor of any kind so I am not qualified to give medical advice.

As far as the situation of why he's doing the above things, I could be wrong, of course, but that's my evaluation of it. I hope I helped in some way.

Take care,

- C.J.

PS -

Two wrongs don't make a right, you know. "Kicking him to the cold" will NOT help matters.

The things that he is doing that bothers me are things like harassing and fighting with other men and women including groping,fighting,indecent exposure to name a few but mainly crossing the line when he harassed a 14 year old a week ago,this is why I say he is being a slob.

I know the problem stems from his family not being accepting and understanding as they are strong fundies,the reason I asked for help with a transgender is because I want to take the right approach to the situation.

As for persuing his goal he is taking the steps to have surgery.

I am pretty well aware the situation has little to do with his orientation since he is bi,I am asexual as a result of repression of such so I know that the problem does not stem from that though experience.

[beallucanb]

I think you should say, if you continue to be such and ass, you are in danger of loosing one of the people who actully care for you, I know this is a hard subject to deal with, but if he continues, just let him know you will be gone....and he will have to deal with this all by himself.

[boy ricky]

I think you should say, if you continue to be such and ass, you are in danger of loosing one of the people who actully care for you, I know this is a hard subject to deal with, but if he continues, just let him know you will be gone....and he will have to deal with this all by himself.

Thats way smart Beallucanb. Thats what i tell people but i say BUM!

[boy ricky]

First of all:

Being transgender isn't a goal, and it isn't a "lifestyle".

Sexual orientation (gay, lesbian, bi, or straight) is completely different than gender identity (what gender you indentify with: male, female, both, neither, or anywhere inbetween.), and sexual orientation has little to nothing to do with gender identity, and vice versa....

- C.J....

Thank you for sharing all that cause most people dont understand and this makes it easier for sure. I have to teach people about this everyday!

[Sleepy]

I think you should say, if you continue to be such and ass, you are in danger of loosing one of the people who actully care for you, I know this is a hard subject to deal with, but if he continues, just let him know you will be gone....and he will have to deal with this all by himself.

I am trying to avoid getting to this point...

Thank you for sharing all that cause most people dont understand and this makes it easier for sure. I have to teach people about this everyday!

I do understand the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation but there is a "T" in LGTB,right now the situation is at a silent standoff.My reason for starting the thread was to find the correct appprach to the situation but it seems that things are taking a turn for the worst.

[beallucanb]

Well we have to make a alot of difficult decisions in life, and at 18 this may be your first. Just use your best judgement, I know you don't want to loose a freind, but sometimes these things happen, just play it by ear for now, and just hope things work out for the best....I wish you much luck..B

[Dill_Pickle]

I am trying to avoid getting to this point...

I do understand the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation but there is a "T" in LGTB,right now the situation is at a silent standoff.My reason for starting the thread was to find the correct appprach to the situation but it seems that things are taking a turn for the worst.

OK, then I suggest you try something that I have said, probably taking a page out of "Savage Love": Whatever is going on in terms of your sexuality, it is no excuse for behaving badly towards others.

I think your friend may be doing some distancing with all this harrassing and starting arguments. Is your friend reacting to hormones possibly?

Another possible approach to your friend is to ask him, after he has done something along those lines, is "I'm embarrassed to watch you do that. Can you tell me what you are getting out of that?"

However, some of his activities, such as excessive abuse of services, he will have to deal with on his own...it's his money, his life. However, you can let him know that "letting it all hang out for all to see" is really irritating and he should be more discreet...especially given your own admitted issues.

Dill Pickle

[LordOfKarma]

To me it seems like your buddy here is trying to find meaning to his life and to find out who he is. well, its no secret to anyone that doing all that is confusing and frustrating and depressing when you dont fit the normality that society imposes on a majority of people.

sometimes depression and similar behavior makes a person acts in such a way that they try to push people away from them so they can justify their feelings of everybody leaving them because they dont like em.

sometimes depression (bi-polar) makes a person act recklessly as to get into fights and careless sexual behavior.

when you say that he forces conversations on his friends.. well .. whats currently happening to him is probably all he can think about, and that shows in the conversation subjects he choses.

now what can u do about it ? now that you understand whats going on, you can either leave him, or stick with him.. but there's no way that you gotta endure all that stuff my friend. just take your distances, remind him that you're cool with talking about it every once in a while, but in the end its his business, private business and that he should think about other stuff every once in a while.

if you would explain more about the situation i could give more.. if u wanna keep this going.

laters

[Morv]

Just a few things here... Is your friend male -> female transexual? If so, the proper pronoun is "her," not "him." If your friend is female -> male, then it is "him." Continued usage of the wrong pronoun, even if it is where your friend cannot see/hear it, will make you more likely to use the wrong pronoun around your friend. Also, getting used to using the proper pronouns helps you change the way you think about your friend.

That said, I can understand how *some* of your friends acting out may be caused by being defensive. That does not, however, excuse any type of sexual acting out which infringes on the personal boundaries or rights of others -- i.e. flashing, harrassment, etc. I would suggest that you remind your friend that jail is a VERY, VERY bad place for a transexual to end up, especially if that individual is in the midst of transition. And if your friend continues the behaviors you describe, that is likely.

The process your friend is going through is challenging, but that is no excuse for innappropriate behavior, not in the eyes of family, friends, or the law. I hope your friend can conquer this emotional challenge before friendships are destroyed or before someone decides to press charges for the type of behavior you described.

[WallaWalla]

Let me start by saying that I've been living full time in my chosen gender role for almost 2 years now. I pass well and hold a pretty healthy social life, and a fairly strong grasp of what life is like on both sides of the coin. I'm also not trying to brag, but frankly I'm a lot further down the road than 99% of the people that I encounter who identify as transgendered. That doesn't make my opinion anymore worthwhile, but I'm just trying to offer up a bit of context for what I'm about to say. It actually might sound like I'm laying into the person in question, but rest assured, I'm really not.

harassing and fighting with other men and women including groping,fighting,indecent exposure to name a few but mainly crossing the line when he harassed a 14 year old a week ago,this is why I say he is being a slob.

This is dangerous behavior, both for the person committing said acts and those around them. It sounds to me as if though they have quite a bit on their plate aside from being transgendered. This is downright self destructive and violating other people's rights. It's not 'being an asshole' if you ultimately make the decision to distance yourself from such behavior. You have the right to your own ethical convictions as much as anybody has a right to 'express themselves.'

I personally wouldn't confront this person with an ultimatum, but I would make it clear to them that you think what they are doing is wrong in regard to how they treat other people. Make it clear that not only do you think that this behavior is wrong, but that you think that it's fundamentally detrimental to their life, and you're concerned for what's going to happen to them if they continue to self destruct in such a way.

Here's what I think of this situation though. The things that you've put forward aren't symptomatic of 'being transgendered,' they're symptomatic of being an unstable and emotionally volatile person. The real question in this case isn't as much 'how do I deal with a transgedered person?' as much as it is 'how do I deal with somebody that's exhibiting dangerous behavior?'

However, I think it's important that you be very mindful of your interpretation of this person's actions. I think that many people tend to sublimate their disapproval for something like this into other negative observations. For instance, I have a friend who's mother simply started saying that she 'lied all the time after this whole transgender thing started.' My friend doesn't speak with her family anymore as a result, and I have a hard time thinking of many situations where people have stopped talking to their child on account of them 'lying all the time.'

That's not to say that I think you're making anything up though, just a word of advice to be mindful of your judgments. If they're really going around groping people, exposing themselves, and harassing others, that's reason enough to distance yourself from them. I know you have an attachment to them as a person, otherwise you wouldn't be making this post. But, there comes a time where you simply have to step back and realize that this person's decisions are their own and you have to make your own decisions for yourself. If you make the decision that you don't like holding the kind of company they bring, then that's your right by all means.

[Sleepy]

As I mentioned earlier I wanted to know what would be a good approach to the situation by specifying that she is a transgender,however I am done dealing with it.I have been trying for two years to get things strait and I have put too much blood and sweat into it.She is ignorant and has a disregard for those around her and too many others have been hurt because of her actions.

Somtimes people have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they where attacking the wrong people,the others have chosen to leave her and continue on with life and I have chosen to make the some decision along with them.

I cannot stop my career and my life for somone else,I refuse to hurt my own family by dealing with her anymore.

~Sleepy~

[beallucanb]

I think your doing the right thing, If you put your life on hold for others, you won't get anyplace, yes you may help the other person, he or she may, or may not, even notice, but you will have lost direction in your life.

If you want to be the least bit sucsesful, you owe it to yourself to try.