Abuse?

[Yvhuce]

I was 11 when my folks adopted my little brother. It soon became one of those "Little Brother can do no wrong; Big Brother can do no right" households. I think this instilled more rage, than anything else... And that rage was unleashed a couple of times on bigger kids who tried to beat me up cause they thought I was a convenient target... That and inspired some of my more violent stories...

I don't think it had any bearing on my liking of diapers and occasional AB side... But, the mind is a mysterious thing... So, who really knows?

[willnotwill]

I feel my diapers come out of a punishment fantasy that stems from a rather bad situation in the Kindergarden I was in.

There were large amounts of time when the teacher was out of the classroom and we were "watched" by a sixth grader

who tormented us. I remember being locked in a dark closet. Unrelated to that but in the same classroom I remember

several incidents of toilet overflows that probably whacked me for a long time with respect for public bathrooms.

[dave_the_baby]

I'm not sure if my experience fits under "Emotional Abuse" or not. My family was ultra-religious (still is) and generally raised me in a bit...extreme way. I remember growing up, I was always a lonely kid. Never really had many friends...also with my family being religious, there were some big rules.

Get this: Pokemon was considered evil. Why? I have no idea. (I'm not a fan of Pokemon now, btw- I just think Pikachu is cute) So basically, having channels like "Fox Kids" forbidden made me a bit left out.

Also, I remember distinctly the only person who wanted to push me to become the best person I can be was my brother. When I was in 8th grade- I think- he attempted to teach me a College Level Course. Now you can imagine my family's reaction: "He can't possibly do that!" But he insisted that with proper motivation and enough effort, I could. Now, my family's approach to education: I was scared out of taking Pre-Calculus because of the "risks" on my GPA. (Yes, that's right- I was still feeling the effects my Junior year of high school)

Now, I can't say for sure if their Religion has anything to do with my current mentality- I used to think it did for sure, but I've had a lot of time to think. It's kinda the whole "over-protective" kind of parenting- like slapping a child's hand when he attempts to touch a hot stove. Given the circumstances, I'm not sure if any of what happened counts as abuse in a legal manner.

But as of today, my fetish definently seems to relate. Aside from diapers, into two big fetishes: bondage and punishment. Ironically, I hate the idea of being restricted to the point of helplessness and being punished when I don't deserve it- yet, when it comes to "play time," I love the idea. I suppose you could say that I still suffer from these problems, and I want to redirect it towards a more "positive" energy- instead of sorrow and anger, pleasure and joy.

[RandomDL]

im not trying to say that being ultra-religious is funny but saying that pokemon is evil and forbidding kids shows reminds me of the movie water boy where the main person's ( played by Adam sandler) mom tried to say that this is the devil and that is the devil as a way of controlling him to keep him stupid so that he will never go anywhere in life and always live at home with her . it also reminds me of a decent ( decent used very loosely ) book that my class read in school before called one flew over the cuckoos nest in which 1 character was never allowed to grow up. but enough about my ranting.

[Phil Schwartz]

(This is rather late in the thread, but it took a while for me to write this up. I put it here in case it helps someone.)

I can trace my need for diapers directly to sexual abuse as a small child. From as early as I can remember, I was abused by a family member. As a helpless, physically overpowered kid, I trusted no one. Given what was happening to me without cause (I expended every effort to be an absolute angel as a kid), I feared being killed by this man should he be found out. He made that quite clear, and I believed him to be capable of it. The abuse stopped around age 12 or so. I believe he may have turned his attention to another, younger family member, though I have never raised the issue.

Somewhere along the line, quite early, I found one - just one - defense from my tormentor. Depending on which abusive act he was determined to perform, wetting and/or pooping myself at the right moment could divert his intentions. This utterly revolted him, and he would fly into a rage. I would then be physically beaten to a pulp, and the sexual abuse was thus prevented.

It was my one weapon. It sure wasn't winning - just losing less - but it worked enough of the time to keep me doing it. For me, being ready to do what needed to be done was essential. Being in a diaper meant that I was ready. It was a shield, it gave me comfort and confidence. It made me feel like I had a way to stand up for my little self and assert some little bit of control.

I didn't get to actually wear a diaper much at all, though there were plenty in the house for my younger siblings. I was terrified that someone would find out and then my only defense would be taken away and nullified. If that monster had figured it out, it certainly would have been all over.

These days, he is getting old and frail and I live thousands of miles away. He's no longer a threat to me or anyone else. I rarely see him now, and never without other family present. Given his age, it's entirely possible that I will never see him again. That would suit me just fine.

An event in my life caused me to tell my wife all about it recently. Instead of repulsing her, opening up about this has brought us closer together. Having her understand, along with also having a good shrink to help frame the issue, has been a tremendous relief. I'm no longer carrying this alone, and that is really helping. I no longer have to hide my past. I now wear diapers every day. I have my security blanket with me, everywhere I go.

I have a long, long way to go before I could consider myself recovered. I don't even know what recovery means or what it would look like, but I sure know what it doesn't look like.

And, if I can put in my 2 cents on the forgiveness question. I won't be able to forgive my tormentor nor the other family members who looked the other way. However, he's not the one who needs forgiveness - I am working on forgiving myself. For what, exactly, I'm not sure, but there is a load of guilt about the past which needs to be dealt with. I am not ashamed of what I did to stop my abuser, quite the contrary - it was the strongest thing I have ever done for myself - but the adult in me wishes I didn't have to.

Forgive my tormentor? No, not yet. Not when I have been wishing to hear news of his death for decades. Not when I still hope for 'that' phone call. Maybe I could forgive him someday - I never say never - but no, I can't do that now.

[paradox]

My parents were nice, great understanding people. My brother spent the majority of my child hood kicking the living hell out of me. Pushed through windows, head slammed into a light switch, broken fingers, etc. When I was older he started stealing from me, lying, emotional abuse etc. It is safe so say I rarely talk to him. I forgive him even though I do not understand why he did any of it. It doesnt have to do with diapers and age play however.

[Mac D]

I must admit, I find it very shocking to see such a high turnout of people had some kind of abuse.

I knew I wanted to be back in nappies before what happened to me, so I know the two are unrelated. It was however, the reason I did so many drugs as a teenager. Over it now though, she can burn in hell now.

[Lea]

QUOTE (robehouse @ Feb 11 2008, 09:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>I think their abuse affected me more than if I had actually received the abuse myself.

It Could Not Affect You More Thats Impossable And No Matter What Anyone Says You Will Never Know How It Fells Or How Hard It Is To Try To Live Like Everything Is Ota When You Are Afrade 247 Anyone That Treats A Child Or Anyone For That Matter That Way Should Be Shot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Just How Many Night Hab You Cryed Yourself Ta Sleep Than Try To Stay Awake So You Can See It Comming And Try To Get Away Than Wake Up With Well Never Mind But No It Could Not Have Affected You More. And That I Know How You Fell No You Dont Not Till You Go Though It And I Hope You Never Do .

Nothing Agenst Anyone Its Just Impossable Just Letting You Know. BTW Thats The Only Time I Wished I Was A Boy.

Sorry If I Went To Far

[yojojo]

I will answer polls about abuse but I don't really want to talk about this.

[bobbiesueram]

I was abused, mentally, physically, sexually, psychologically and every other way you could probably think of.

I wet the bed from age 3 upto the age of leaving home and I still do.

Back in the 1970's and 1980's there was no one you could really talk to - my abuser(s) told me that if I said anything to anyone I'd end up in borstal or residential care. My mother was one of the abusers - hopefully she's already dead or if not, she'll die a lonely painful death - something that mirrored all of my childhood. Don't anyone <b>DARE </b>tell me that I should forgive......because I can never forgive her or any of those that abused me.

Why don't I do something about it now I'm an adult???? That's simple really - I don't want the one person in my family who loves me (my grandma) to understand the pain and abuse I suffered as a child. My only salvation, my only sanctuary was summer at grandma's house - and when she asked me if anything was wrong - I said no - I was too scared to say anything else. For every ounce of good that I have to this day - I can attribute it <b>only</b> to the love my grandma gives me. She is my world, she's 81 and when she's gone....then the shit <b>will</b> hit the fan.

To the question of whether my abuse is anyway related to my need for night time protection and/or my sexual arousal with nappies/diapers - I can't really answer that. Do I regress to a time when I was happy as a child - certainly not....the only time I was happy was when I was with my grandma and she treated my bedwetting with care, respect and love.

I get a sexual kick out of nappies/diapers sometimes - but other times I despise the site of them. I find them to be a means to an end, they stop the bed getting wet but also they act as a means of arousal.

I live alone, I don't ever think I'll find someone who can live with me and my "moments" from the past. One day I'll draw a line, make plans for the future without the torture of the past. But all I care about in my life are my friends online and offline the charity I raise money for and my dear grandma.

All I can say is that despite being all grown up, having the body and mind of an adult all the time - when I sleep and I have the nightmares that relate back to my childhood......and it hurts, damn it really hurts. I can't change the past and for now it stays with me - one day I'll leave it all behind.

dynamick x

I to was abused from a young age. I held all that hate in my heart for years I gave up the best days in my life for hate. It's just not worth it. I found our lord and god and found pease for my heart. There is not a thing I can do to them but I can help myself and I did. My mother was as bad as my dadi was raised till I was 7 by my mother only my dad would have not a thing to do with me because I was not potty trained and my mother dressed me has a girl because of my problems. When I turned 7 my dad took over and I was dragged down to the barber shop in my best pink dress and patten leather shoes. He told the barber to cut my hair all off. My hair was down to my wast and the barber said I can't cut her hair and my dad said he's a dam boy cut it and so he did. Belive it or not my heart was broke I cried for hours. And when I could not stop he beat the hell out of me with his belt. Every time I talked back or did not do what he told me when he told me he would beat me.

This is just part of it but I let it go told them I forgive you and they asked me for what,but I knew in my heart what they did and from that day to this my heart is free and happy. Hate only the person with it loses and that's the truth.