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Here's my 'first time' story for the 'Stinky, Squishy and Proud' section, almost as I shared it at Experience Project a few years ago — which was the first time I'd ever told anyone I did (and do) this. ----- Imitating My Baby Cousin I was 15 when I pooped my pants on purpose for the first time. I'd been peeing myself for pleasure for about two years by then. Part of the fun of it was all the ways I could make my wettings feel realistic. I acted out every kind of situation I could imagine that ended with me unable to hold on and wetting my pants — being desperate and out of reach of a bathroom, scared suddenly, too shy and embarrassed to ask, delaying until it was too late, wetting my bed the way I used to. But who pees their pants the most? Babies and little kids. A lot of my pee games gravitated to playing out scenes of being two or three or four years old again, failing toilet training — or even being a baby again and just wetting where I sat, or toddled, or lay. But of course babies do more than just wet ... and little kids who are potty training have another kind of accident. I got kind of fascinated with the strange fact that I'd been in diapers for my first two years, and peed and pooped my pants every single day of that time. I had no memories of it, and I'd just about never been around an actual baby or accident or diaper. There weren't any little kids in my family at that age. Being around someone who pooped in their pants seemed like the most embarrassing, forbidden, messy thing in the world. Being a parent who had to clean it up when it happened seemed almost unimaginably disgusting. But I knew peeing my pants had turned out to be one of my greatest pleasures. I was at least a little curious what pooping in them must have been like. When I was fifteen, a year-old cousin came to visit. She was in diapers of course, and was still learning to walk. I wasn't all that interested in babies — as a typical teenage boy they just seemed kind of boring and sometimes loud and a little bit leaky and gross. But the fact that she peed and even pooed in her pants was now of interest. The first afternoon she was with us she had a wet diaper that leaked into her tights, and her mom laid her down and changed her, and I wondered what it must be like for her to be in wet diapers a lot of the time, and just pee without a care in her clothes as she played, or ate, or napped, or cuddled with her mom. A couple of hours after that, the thing I was most curious about happened. She paused in the middle of our living room, squatted slightly, and very obviously pooped in the seat of her diaper. It didn't seem to bother her in the slightest that she'd pooped herself in front of us — or even interest her very much. She went right back to playing and exploring, now with an unmistakeable smell around her that my aunt decided not to notice. And like any kid learning to walk she proceeded to fall down flat on her bum, right into her fresh mess, a few times over the next few minutes. I'd never seen anyone poop their pants before, let alone sit in it, and found it a mix of hilarious, gross and almost unbelievable. I couldn't help wondering what it felt like, when she went in her pants and when it was getting sat in and flattened against her bottom. It kind of made my head explode that the adults, including my parents, didn't do any more than exchange little amused looks, as if it was cute, and just let her keep playing. After maybe 20 minutes my aunt laid her down on the floor again and changed her, the first poopy diaper change I ever remember watching. It was squished all through her diaper. My aunt caught the teenage boy reaction on my face to the smell and mess, and laughed at me and said "I've seen you in dirtier diapers than this." Which was probably true, she'd looked after me sometimes as a baby. I don't know why I kept thinking about something so messy and infantile, but afterward I remembered that scene when I played my wetting games, and the weird true fact that all babies and lots of small kids pooped in their pants every day just like my cousin had, and crawled around like that, and sat in it. I started thinking about all the times I'd pooped in my own pants too at that age, and what it must have been like. And one day soon afterwards I had to know how it felt and knew I was going to try it. I had the house to myself. I needed to go. I chose two pairs of snug underwear, lined them with folded toilet paper, and with a thrill of anticipation all over my body at this strange thing I felt so compelled to experience, I went and stood in the exact spot where I'd watched my cousin fill her pants. I squatted just like she had, pushed just enough to get things started ... and then let go all control of my muscles and let my body take over as I felt myself poop my diaper like a toddler. It felt so much better than I ever would have guessed. Unexpectedly amazing as poop slowly eased out and spread into my pants, warm and just slightly soft, making exciting feelings in some of my most sensitive areas. I stood up and felt poop squish and flatten over my bum for probably the first time in 12 or 13 years. The forbiddenness of what I was doing and the intense curiosity I'd had about doing it amplified every sensation. I tried walking in my 'full' pants, with what I'd done wiggling and moving around under me, and that was exciting and felt good too. And then I went all the way. I toddled like my year-old cousin, just learning to walk, and let myself fall flat onto my bum a bunch of times, as warm, fresh poop spread all through the seat of my pants, and up into the crotch of my makeshift diaper, and up towards my rear waistband, and almost out the legs. And the stimulating sensations of that were almost more than I could take. This time the smell of a baby in a poopy diaper spreading through my family living room was coming from me, and now I knew something about how a baby in that condition felt. I don't do it often. Unlike my cousin, I don't have anyone to clean me up. But once or twice a year something gets me thinking about it again and I know I'll do it soon. I've never forgotten the thrill of anticipation or the sensations of that first time...

Did anyone else like to secretly read the toilet training chapters of your parents’ baby care books as a kid? And/or the parts about accidents, and bedwetting, and diapers....? Did you ever look up words related to wetting and diapers in the dictionary, and the library catalogue? Find all the diaper-related ads in catalogues, grocery store flyers and magazines? Walk down the diaper aisle at the store at every opportunity? Remember every single mention of someone being desperate, or needing their diaper changed, or ‘having an accident’ in every story you ever read and every conversation you heard? What else did you do like this? Here's how some of it started for me. About 5 seconds into puberty I accidentally gave myself some very good feelings wriggling around trying to hold it in when I was desperate to pee. I didn’t have an accident or anything, but suddenly I was really aroused by imagining having one. Holding until I couldn’t, and helplessly wetting my pants or bed like I often had as a younger kid. Memories came ‘flooding back,’ and with them a sudden bunch of questions I’d never thought about before. How old was I when I was potty trained? What was it like for my parents when I was not-quite-potty-trained? Did I really just have accidents everywhere for a while? What must it feel like to be in diapers? Being nerdy and bookish and genuinely curious, I found my parents’ copy of Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care. Along with learning a few basic facts about my diaper years, I quickly discovered that reading about all this gave me lots of tingly feelings and urges about doing it. Some of my earliest pee play consisted of wearing makeshift diapers (or just my pyjamas or pants), making myself desperate and literally wetting myself like a baby to the words and sentences in that book that made me feel that way. Not long afterwards, I was doing the same to ads for Pampers and plastic baby pants in my parents’ magazines. I kind of discovered ageplay this way, imagining being the babies in the ads as I really did what babies do in their diapers. Or I’d be a 2 or 3 or 4 year old in the Dr. Spock chapter, failing potty training in my diapers or pants in any of a hundred ways… Forgetting to go and doing it where I sat... Not being able to hold it any more in a car or a store... Hurrying to the bathroom clutching myself a minute too late, and feeling it running all down my pantlegs on the way. Which all felt so freeing, exciting and good that I still have favourite sentences from that chapter and some of those ads memorized.