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  1. I'm gonna put on my sweater of realness and "rap" with you guys for a second, kids say that still, right? Whatever, not important. Here's the deal, the contents of this story are all personal accounts and feelings, this is all me, no hiding behind a vague amalgamation of me that's been cobbled together through personality traits and defects, this is real. I may have fudged the ages a bit to make a bit better timeline, but that's all, oh, and I never had a dad, but that isn't really important, he just went out for smokes, he'll be back soon... Anyway, this is what @Wannatripbaby voted for on my status note, but since he was the only person that voted, he wins, so here's your prize...don't gloat to the others too much about your win, it's not that big a prize. Rumors Of This Story's Dire Importance Have Been Greatly Exaggerated By: RambleLamb Many years earlier, a similar dilemma was quite the common occurrence. Times long since buried beneath the decades of time and emotional growth that comes with it came rushing to the forefront as if no time had passed at all. The small clips of her past played out in her mind like a video being skipped forward to get to the good parts, but those good parts were nowhere to be found in this playlist, only shame, embarrassment, and the reminder of her repeated failures glowing like a beacon, signaling to everyone that she was less than what she presented herself to be. She remembered being four or so, playing in the park during her family's annual get together. The air was warm and the smell of fresh cut grass filled her nostrils as she capered and cavorted with the other children. Freeze tag was the game of the hour, and her little legs pumped as fast as she could make them go, the lingering awkwardness of toddlerhood still not completely removed from her coordination at speeds like that, coupled with the almost exhilarating feeling of fear that she'd be tagged by her cousin who was currently "it" as he used his much more practiced and longer legs to chase her down. When his hand touched her shoulder she screamed, not from terror, that was obvious as her scream morphed into shrill peals of giggling, but scream she did and then she dutifully froze in adherence to the rules of the game and watched as the other kids, the unfrozen kids, flitted about to escape "it". She watched and waited, hopeful that someone would come and unfreeze her so she could run and play again, but every time she swelled with hope as an unfrozen person came close she was let down as they passed by without tagging her. It wasn't all that uncommon for the other kids to overlook her or leave her out, she was new to the fold of active kids after all, having only recently graduated from the playpen or the gated off room where the babies played when the family gathered. In this very park the year earlier she'd been seated on her mother's lap while the older kids played, her eyes growing heavy as the heat and her full tummy threatened to abscond with her to dreamland, her mouth working the teat of her pacifier rhythmically as her mother gently bounced her ever closer to the nap she required to keep her from becoming an unholy terror. Being new to the games with the older kids, she felt, even if she didn't comprehend the intricacies of the reasons behind it, like she needed to prove to the others that she belonged with them. She paid extra close attention to the rules of the game when they were explained, keeping her hands at her sides to keep from sucking her thumb, a habit she still practiced quite frequently to the chagrin of her parents, worried that doing so would send her back to the small cluster of playpens beneath the metal awnings where the picnic tables were. She'd stolen a glance that way before the rules began to be explained, and saw one of her cousins looking over the railing at them, she knew from seeing him when everyone had begun arriving that he was clad in only a shirt and diaper, and she didn't want to inadvertently be lumped in with him and his infantile ilk because of something as silly as her thumb sucking habit. As she stood in place like a good frozen player, watching the small swarm of giggling kids of various ages and sizes flit hither and thither she felt the call of nature and began shouting for someone to unfreeze her so she could head to the restrooms on the edge of the park. Time passed and she remained frozen, tears welling up in her eyes as the need to relieve herself grew more and more urgent and the fear of shamefully proving herself unworthy of her newly assigned station crept into her mind as she pleaded to be unfrozen. When the warm trickle formed beneath her sundress she lost her battle to prove she wasn't what she obviously was, and her mother had to come and get her from where she remained frozen, soaked panties and socks and her thumb in her mouth as she was carried away to have her unfortunate situation resolved for her. She'd spent the remainder of the day with the mothers and babies, forgotten by her older playmates as she busied herself with a toy that had caught her eye when her mother was cleaning her up and getting her into a diaper she'd had to borrow from an aunt, apologizing profusely to the woman for the imposition before chiding her for having to be put back in a diaper in the first place. ************************************************************************ Remembering that long past shame made her blush and she closed her eyes for a moment to try and regain her composure but only succeeded in bringing another memory into view. ************************************************************************ It was the night of her school's Christmas pageant, something a little Jewish girl knew nothing about, but her class had worked on the song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" for several weeks, and she was eager to show her parents what she'd been working on. She was six now, the family gathering where she'd ended up back in diapers and going down for a nap with the other baby's before the fireworks show was far behind her, she was a big girl in real school and was going to be on stage for the first time and she was beyond excited. Being at school at night was strange to her, everything outside was lit by the high pressure sodium bulbs and all the corridors looked different filled with shadows instead of sunlight. She'd squeezed her father's hand as they'd walked down one of those outdoor corridors on the way to her classroom where her parents dropped her off and gave her instructions to wait there for them after the show, to which she nodded her agreement and understanding and was brought into the group of her classmates to put the finishing touches on her antlers and little smudge of black on her nose so the audience would know she was a reindeer. Walking in the single file line with her classmates, no adult hand to squeeze as the shadows encroached on the walking path, she felt her body signal to her that she needed to find a restroom, but when she tried to get her teacher's attention she found that they were at the side door to the auditorium already and were ushered through and up the small set of stairs onto the stage where she saw the sea of faces and camera flashes and camcorder lights staring back at her. As the piano started, she swallowed hard and focused on her performance, making sure to keep the lyrics in the correct order and sing so she could be heard despite several of the boys in her class practically screaming the lyrics. She couldn't see her parents in the crowd but she knew they were watching, they'd told her they would be, and she wanted to make sure they were as proud of her performance just like she planned to be. The applause filled the auditorium as the class took a bow and scuttled back off the stage, down the little stairs, and through the door back into the shadowy corridor where her bladder again, and more insistently this time, alerted her to its fullness. She waited until they'd arrived back at the classroom before trying to get her teacher's attention, but the teacher was busy with a fight between two of the boys that had been acting up on the stage, so she slipped out the door and to the bathroom. Slinking in and among the shadows, she reached the bathroom door and pushed against it, but gaining no entry to the room beyond, the door was locked and she felt herself spring a little leak as she began to panic and wonder what she was going to do. She saw the light coming from the auditorium door and decided to go find her parents and have them help her find a restroom, creeping through the shadowy corridor and coming to the door, finding herself looking up at the backs of countless parents, none of whose faces she could see, thus rendering her search fruitless. The feeling of hopelessness began to flood in as she began to cry and wet herself, screaming as a hand clamped down on her shoulder and she was spun around to see her mother and father looking down on her with unhappy faces. The whole way to the car and the whole drive home she was lectured about leaving the classroom after being told not to, and then wandering around in the dark alone and putting herself in danger. She'd resorted to sucking her thumb to stop her tears minutes into the car ride, and when her mother turned on the overhead light in the car to turn and look at her when they'd stopped at a red light, she'd had her thumb yanked from her mouth as the lecture turned to the state of her pants and her thumb sucking, the question of her maturity being brought up in tandem with the reminder of how she'd ended up at the family gathering. Her mother had pointed out stores along the way home asking if she'd like them to stop and get her some diapers, bringing more tears and the return of her thumb to her mouth. By the time the last store on the way loomed in the windshield, her mother wasn't asking her what she wanted anymore, she was telling her father to pull into the parking lot and sending him into the store to get some diapers and a pacifier for their apparently infant daughter. When they'd finally arrived home, she was given a bath, diapered and sent to bed without supper, her new pacifier stuck into her mouth to quiet her crying as she was tucked in and left to cry herself to sleep and stew in her feelings of humiliation and remorse at disappointing her parents on what was supposed to be a proud and important night. She shuddered inwardly at that memory, knowing that she'd had to wear each diaper in the pack to bed until the pack was empty, feeling only slightly better at the thought that she'd at least managed to avoid having to wear them to school as her mother had threatened many times. ************************************************************************ Her bladder sent her an urgent message to her in that moment and she winced and chided herself for drinking so much coffee that morning, but another memory allowed her to push those thoughts aside. ************************************************************************ She was ten and was annoyed that she was having to spend the day at the discount store with her mother instead of being with her friends. Shopping with her mother was an exercise in trying to keep one's sanity in the face of walking up and down each aisle of the store and making absent smalltalk about the items they saw on the shelves. She rolled her eyes for the dozenth time since they'd walked into the store some fifteen minutes earlier, and as they reached the end of the aisle, she grimaced at the realization that they'd only seen two aisles in that time with another forty or so remaining to be seen. By aisle six, she felt the need to use the restroom and asked her mother if she could go find one. With her mother's blessing she moved through the store to find someone to ask for directions to the bathroom. When she found someone, a cute boy that was older enough than her for her to feel incredibly self conscious about having to ask about the bathroom but not close enough to her age for her to feel comfortable with being able to pass off the request with nonchalance despite the need growing with each passing moment. She'd returned to her mother and lied, telling her that the store didn't have a bathroom, asking instead if she could go to the larger clothing store next door to try and find one. Her mother was otherwise occupied with a set of picture frames that she thought would look nice in the guest room, and waved her away to do what she needed to do. Making her way out of the discount store and over to the clothing store, her search became more frantic as she scanned the areas she walked by for someone to ask or a sign to guide her, after making two complete laps and finding neither of the things she was searching for, she trudged back to the discount store and rejoined her mother on aisle nine, lying once again when asked if she'd found a bathroom okay. Three aisles later the pain became too much for her and she flooded her jeans right then and there, her mother not noticing with her back to her and shopping occupying all of her attention. Two aisles after that was when the wet denim began to dry and become itchy and uncomfortable, and she finally had to summon the courage to tell her mother what had happened. Her mother fell into her old routine with ease, loudly chastising her for lying and for having an accident, dragging her through the store to the aisle full of off brand diapers from other countries and getting even more angry when it was obvious that those wouldn't be an option for her preteen daughter. They'd left the store with her mother dragging her by the hand like a scolded toddler, making her sit on a blanket in the back seat, threatening her with diapers and spankings from her father the whole way home, none of which came to pass, though she was grounded and sent to her room after her clothes were put in the wash. That was the first time she'd felt disappointment at not being punished. She'd never intentionally wet herself, but she'd had enough accidents in her time that the routine was known, she'd be talked down to and threatened with diapers, asked if she'd like to wear them to school and have all her classmates know that she wasn't able to control herself like some kind of toddler still trying to master the potty. When she was asked things like that she'd briefly entertain the idea of having that happen and become confused when the thought both embarrassed her, as it should, and made her a little happy. She was still years away from learning the truth about herself, but this moment would definitely prove to be a key one in her womanly development. As an adult she'd return to this day in her mind and wonder what would have happened if her mother had stopped the cute older boy she'd been reluctant to approach about her need to find a restroom, and asked him for help finding a diaper that would fit her larger than normal baby. The fantasy would play out with her on the floor of the diaper aisle having her mother opening pack after pack of diapers to try each of them on her, the cute older boy watching as she sobbed and sucked her thumb until finally a fitting diaper was found and she was picked up by him and placed in the seat of the shopping cart which was then loaded up with packs and packs of the winning diaper. This fantasy usually brought her to completion by that point, but sometimes she'd go a step further and have her mother, wheeling her through the store in the shopping cart, happen to bump into a friend of hers from school and have to sit in the cart with her diaper on display while the mothers talked, culminating in her messing her diaper there in the cart and having her old pacifier, which had inexplicably found its way into her mother's purse, shoved into her mouth to stifle her infantile wails. By the time that scenario played out in her mind she would feel like she'd need to bandage her aching fingers before passing out. ************************************************************************ In the present, her mind was reeling from the sudden inclusion of sexual ministrations creeping into the mix of her humiliation highlight reel, and she felt her face flush again. She looked around and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief that no one was paying attention to her. She squeaked quietly as she felt her bladder spasm and squirt a little bit causing her to bite her lower lip. She knew it was only a matter of time now, and she knew that there wasn't any escape from that reality, but she couldn't help but feel the familiar shames wash over her, a lifetime of accidents and degrading lectures, threats and punishments, all of it reaching a fever pitch in her mind as she gave up, letting herself go right there, surrounded by all these people, people she didn't even know. Her diaper swelled with the introduction of this onslaught of liquid and she closed her eyes and savored the warmth as it tickled her most intimate areas and gave her the relief she'd been looking for for the last several minutes. As she finished peeing she looked around again and noticed that no one was paying attention to her, and she smiled as she began moving through the crowd again, her secret accident still a secret, the way it was always meant to be.
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