LoneABDL

I don’t feel that I have to conform to most societal norms, and I recognize a lot of good that being abdl has brought about. I view myself being more compassionate and understanding of individuals seen as “outside” the normative standards. I get real enjoyment from wearing. I’ve found myself as very open to other sexual partners’ interests. I don’t find anything morally wrong with this. I rarely feel the guilt and shame I use to experience. It has had no effect on just about every other aspect of my life. I love what I do for work. I have happy, meaningful relationships with my parents, siblings, and friends. To me, what I do sexually has always been my business. I have no desire to share it with people that I’m not romantically and sexually involved with. I don’t feel burdened by keeping this part of myself from those other relationships. I operate as a “regular” adult the majority of the time. But when the urge or desire arises, I happily indulge myself. Then I continue on with my normal life. The overwhelming issue though, is romantic relationships. I am turned on by so much more than just this. I’m able to really enjoy sex without this being involved. I don’t doubt that if my partner was also into it, it would be crazy good. I just never thought it was very likely to find that person. So the place I get to is with a person I end up deeply caring about, and a part of myself that I don’t share with them. I think about being in their shoes. What if they wanted to dress like a grandma? I would be turned off. I wouldn’t judge them for their desire, but it would hurt my sexual attraction to them. Essentially, I feel if someone is not into it, they can’t help being turned off by it any more than I can help being turned on by it. I am ok with that. If i love someone, I’ve never felt involving this side of me in sex was a must. What I worry about is that if I’m not upfront about every part of myself, then they don’t actually know who it is they’re involved with. If even just the knowledge of my interest in this was too much for them, they should have that knowledge before moving further (like moving in or marriage). The first person I told was a fell fast, hard, and quick in lust relationship. She asked me what my biggest secret was, then told me hers after I expressed hesitation to share. I felt better (though still crazy nervous) to share it with her after she displayed so much trust. She didn’t fully understand it, but didn’t think it was as terrible or as weird as I used to build it up to be in my head. Mostly she just couldn’t understand how someone would even incorporate that sexually. “Do you like want a girl to wear one and give you a bj? You can’t have sex with one on.” I didn’t feel a need for her to be involved, since it had been private my entire life prior to then. She asked later if I wanted her to try it. I still wasn’t sure. Would it just freak her out actually doing it? We ended things as a result of long distance without ever trying it together. Who knows if the knowledge of my abdl thing played into it though. Now, years since then, I’m crazy in love with my current girlfriend. She’s moving in, and honestly the first person I’ve even considered the prospect of long term commitment with. She knows what she likes in bed but Im fairly certain, after much probing, that she doesn’t have any major kinks or fetishes. She’s happy to mix it up with light bondage, “normal” sexy dress up, and stuff that is marginally considered taboo these days. Knowing her and her personality, I’m pretty sure that the idea of me in a diaper or fantasizing about women in them or engaging in age play will be a big turn off. My biggest fear is that it will negatively change how she views me to the point that I lose her. I’m at an impasse. I don’t want to create more problems because I don’t enjoy hiding a part of myself. I am the happiest I’ve ever been with her, but if she can’t handle this part of me, then should we really be together? As long as there is uncertainty here, I feel like we can’t profess to be actually loving each other. Essentially I feel like I’m putting something that makes me very happy 90% of the time (her) in jeopardy for something that brings me enjoyment much less often (abdl). I can’t suppress my abdl side though (though I used to try). It’s part of me and who I am. I’ve accepted that. The question is then, do I tell her and give her the chance to accept it as well? Sorry for a long post, it’s the first time I’ve ever done one. I guess a lot came out. Any advice is welcomed and greatly appreciated.