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New2DL

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  1. Sorry, it's been a few days since I've been on here. My cat inexplicably came home with a broken and baaaadly infected foot. So taking care of him had been taking up a lot of my free time. Helping him around he house, helping him use the litter box, giving him three different meds a day (against his will too, I can't trick him into eating them so I have to force feed them) and just generally checking up on him all the time to make sure he's comfortable and to keep his leg elevated. Or just giving him love because he feels so miserable and getting love makes him feel a little better. So for now, I'm going to postpone responding to the first post you wrote until I have a little more spare time. I did read it though the day you wrote it. But I didn't see your second post until just now. So I wanted to make sure I set some time aside for you, because I can't even imagine what you must be feeling in light of all that. I am extremely sad for your father. That's easily one of the most hurtful things a daughter can do to her dad. I can't make sense of it, unless he was like somehow very abusive to her growing up, either emotionally or physically or something, so she no longer considers him a father? It's just hard for me to understand why else she would do that, especially since he didn't walk his other daughter down the aisle as well. If there's no other reason aside from they're just not that close, well then that's a really mean thing to do. What happened to their relationship that caused him to be so far removed from their lives? What's even more bizarre to me is that she picked the father of an extremely abusive woman to give her away at her wedding. I guess if it were me, saying hypothetically that your stepmother was always very good to me, I still can't imagine wanting to have anything to do with her because of how she treated you (you being my brother in this hypothetical scenario). Just witnessing that kind of evil happen to someone else, even if it never happens to you, is still witnessing evil. That reminds me of a co-worker and use-to-be friend of my fiance's. His name is James. James had befriended someone who had actually drugged a girl and taken advantage of her in the past. My fiance was really upset that James was hanging out with such a terrible person. James' defense was "well he's always really nice to me. I can't control how he treats other people, as long as he treats me good." My fiance told him that this makes him just as bad as the rapist, and James didn't understand why. I was so disgusted by this that I told my fiance that I don't ever want James over at our house again. I told him that if he was going to be dumb enough to continue being his friend, then I want nothing to do with it. The only reason why he was still his "friend" was because he thought he could help James, but things don't really work that way. And shortly after this all took place, my fiance started to pull away from James. In my opinion, unless there's a really good explanation for your sisters' choices, then both these stories are very similar. If you know that someone has been so evil to another person, but you ignore it just because it never happened to you, then it almost makes you just as bad for being okay with the fact that it ever happened at all. So unless your dad is a real piece of crap, and judging by your reaction to all of this it sounds like he's not a bad guy, then this whole thing is extremely sad and hurtful. At least your other sister chose her mother. It's still hurtful, but not as hurtful if that makes sense. I do know how you feel to an extent, how the evils in our lives have a way of coming back and taking control over things that we don't have control over. In your case, the evils in your life remain close to home, with surviving relationships between them and your siblings. Unfortunately the only choices you have are just two: you can't decide how this makes you feel but you can decide how you're going to react to it and how much control you're going to give it; and you can decide what you're willing to subject yourself to. Unfortunately that means you have to decide between your sister and the evils in your lives. You can go to her wedding to support her big day being as it's one of the most important events in any person's life, but that also means your supporting her decision to replace your father with something terrible. Or you can skip the wedding, which will probably hurt your sister for a long time and will likely drive a wedge between you, but you're at least staying true to yourself and how you feel. It's a pick-your-poison kind of scenario unfortunately, but you'll need to decide which poison will be less harmful to you and which poison you'll regret the least. As far as how you cope with the things that have happened to you, it only sounds bizarre because our society doesn't really acknowledge trauma like this. Our society still kind of does what everyone did in the 40's. People with severe problems or disorders or addictions, let's just throw them in a dark corner and forget about them. Of course there is better therapy out there now, but still these kinds of things are very hush hush out in the world. We still have a very strong sense of what is "normal" because of the way our society portrays it. Anything outside that "norm" is bizarre and possibly wrong. But, what your brain is doing and has been doing your whole life to cope with what happened is actually extremely normal when it comes to trauma, especially when it happens in childhood. When you're young, your brain is too inexperienced and underdeveloped to be able to properly handle trauma this severe, and sometimes a person's brain can never be equipt enough to handle trauma that severe. All your brain knows is it can't handle feeling this much pain all the time anymore, so it figures out a way to fix that. Several things can happen as a result, but there are two that occur very frequently. One is the child develops a dissociative disorder (which is what happened to me). An extreme and well-known example of this is split personalities, which is not what I have by the way. Basically, being consciously aware of all your feelings at once in a traumatic environment is too much for the child to handle, so the brain will find a way to cut the child off from the painful experience. Then it needs to find a way to manifest those cut off emotions and experiences so the child can deal with the problems more objectively. In the case of split personalities, the brain assigns a new personality to encompass a certain emotion or experience that the primary personality can no longer handle. All dissociative disorders function in this way, but most of them figure out a different way to manifest the cut off emotion or experience, and sometimes it just flat out represses the memory all together. This is one of the common results of childhood trauma. The other very common result is a situation like yours. In your case, your brain couldn't handle how terrible it made you feel, so instead it found a way to alter the experience into one that was more pleasurable. And well, given that you were a child and puberty and hormones are just around the corner, of course the shame and humiliation would be altered into something sexual. Orgasms feel good and give you a rush of dopamine, which can temporarily replace serotonin when you're depressed, and your brain knows this. What your brain is attempting to do is cure your depression the only way it knows how, by using its own supply of dopamine, as well as trying to alter your traumatic experiences into something that's a more pleasant experience. The same thing happens to rape victims, especially if they were raped when they were young. When they're older, they will often need to reenact their rape experience during sex because it's the only way they're able to reach orgasm. Their brain will only let them climax if they're replicating their rape. This defense mechanism can typically cause more problems than it solves because this can be very confusing to the person going through it, considering this part of your brain can't communicate with you consciously. But in the case of rape, it's doing the same thing it did with you; trying to turn a horrifying experience into something more pleasant in attempts to protect you from the pain. My point to all this is to address what you said, about how shame and humiliation makes you feel good and makes you happy, and how it's so fucked up. I know it seems fucked up because the world doesn't really talk about these kinds of things, and that can make it seem that the way you've handled it is wrong and disturbing. But the reality of it is the way that your brain handled your trauma couldn't be any more normal. Almost anyone in your situation would've had the same thing happen to them as a result, or would've developed a dissociative disorder. If the world acknowledged situations like these instead of hiding it in a dark corner, and if you grew up realizing that the way you developed sexually was actually very normal considering the circumstances, you wouldn't feel that it's fucked up. The ONLY thing that's fucked up in your situation is your inhuman stepmother. Period. You sir are actually quite normal. Anyway, I don't want you to think that there's anything wrong with you, because there isn't. The only thing that's abnormal about you is your level of strength, as well as your wife's. You are pretty well put-together considering everything you've been through, and your wife is awfully astounding with the amount of love and devotion and understanding she has for you. And same goes for you towards her. But I am very sad for your father, and I can't even imagine how that must feel as a parent. I'm as well sad for you, because all this trauma you went through as a child shouldn't keep creeping back into your life this much time later. The same thing actually happened to me a couple weeks ago, with evils creeping back into my life years and years later, but I'll go into that some other time. I just thought it was an interesting coincidence. But in my case I had a lot more control over the situation than you do, so it was a bit easier for me to handle and move on from. This is something you'll either have to grit your teeth and bear, or speak out and confront. Either option won't be easy or pleasant. But you have a lot of strength in you, and you have an extremely wonderful and loving wife by your side, as well as me, and an entire forum to be there for you and support you. You are not alone in this pain my friend. You can get through it, and you can show yourself that your past does not have to control you. Your love fro diapers and being a sissy isn't being controlled by your past. That's your brain taking control and trying to turn your past into something positive. See what I mean? The pain and memory and scars will always be there. But as long as you feel defeated, then you are defeated. Don't look at your ABDLism as a way that your past is controlling your present, because psychologically it's the opposite. Your brain made that happen, not your stepmother. Your brain took control of the experience and changed it into something that makes you happy and feel good. If you look at it from that perspective, it's actually pretty damn cool, because in that way your brain would not let you be defeated. Your stepmother wanted you to always feel bad. But with what tiny amount of control you had when you were a child, you were able to defeat her efforts by being able to feel the good out of something bad. Kind of like making the best out of a bad situation. And on top of that, you were able to incorporate that into your marriage, which has given you an extremely strong and special relationship with your wife. Your past is not controlling you at all. In fact, subconsciously YOU are controlling your past and the effect it has on your present and future. Like I said, it doesn't seem like this only because of how the world portrays situations like this as "abnormal". If your past was controlling you, you would not have your wife, a family, or any functional relationships. You would have no acceptance of yourself, and you certainly would not love yourself. You'd likely be heavy into drugs and/or alcohol, and at some point you'd be suicidal. No, you're not controlled or defeated at all. In fact, in my opinion, you've defeated her, and took control. Hope that all made sense. I wanted to make sure you knew what I was trying to say, so I just kept rambling. Anyway, you've been there for me so attentively when I really needed someone. I'd be more than happy to return the favor. Please feel free to continue sharing any of your thoughts and feelings on all of this. I hope you're doing well. Talk to you soon.
  2. Hahaha I love the way you ended your last post. Unexpected humor is the best kind. Man I can't believe some of the things you had to endure as a child. I wish I could say I was heartbroken reading it, but really I just can't wrap my head around how it must've been for you. Most of what I'm feeling is a TON of anger at the women in your life, especially your stepmother. She treated you like a "bad dog" instead of a child who needed to be nurtured and guided and cared for. To me, women like that who are supposed to have at least a sliver of maternal instinct and don't are next to inhuman, and in my opinion deserve... Well let's just say they deserve justice so I don't go on an angry tangent, because I'll probably end up saying some nasty things. A LOT of people in your situation don't come out whole on the other side, and I'm sure that took you a long time to accept what happened, as well as accepting how it molded you sexually. My fiance still has problems with that. He's accepted the way he is, and most of the time he doesn't feel guilty for it anymore because he and I together have made it all into a very positive experience for both of us. But what he's angry about is the circumstances that caused him to spend his whole life confused and scared and alone, ashamed and guilty, and inexperienced with women. It's not the end result he's mad about because he's mostly very happy with the way that ended up with me. Although on very rare occasions he wishes he was normal. But really he's mad because he feels like his whole life up until now has been a lonely disaster, and he feels cheated out of a happy life and childhood. This also led him to not have much faith in himself, and he missed a lot of career opportunities and made poor life choices as a result. That's something he has a hard time forgiving himself for, and that's where he starts to feel ashamed of who he is. The list goes on. I know a lot of people feel the same way when it comes to those things. I can't even imagine how hard it must've been for you all this time until whenever it was that you gained full acceptance. I know from talking to some people on here (and from studying psychology in college) that many people don't ever gain full acceptance. I kind of consider myself therapist-like as well. Not because of the studying, but because of what I've survived, like you. Studying psychology helps me understand what certain problems might be and how or why they came to be, but it never taught me how to really help people. Mostly it just teaches you how to diagnose and come up with a treatment plan. It's very detached. But it does teach you how to understand why some people are the way they are. It also helped me understand my dissociative disorder and how to manage it without medication. I'll get into those details another time. I stopped pursuing psychology because of physical problems that came to a head, and I had to drop out. But I will still continue to study on my own, both conventional and unconventional, and use what I've learned, whether it was from a text book or from my own experiences, or from listening to other's experiences, to try to help others from time to time. It really is a rare occasion that I seek help for my own problems, being as I can usually put myself outside of the situation and analyze things pretty clearly. Your story of you and your wife really is amazing, and it does make me feel a bit fortunate. I always said that sex reflects the relationship. If sex is very one-sided, meaning it's typically about one person always getting what they want without worrying about satisfying the other, usually the actual relationship is the same way. If one person is extremely giving and doesn't care about their own sexual needs, usually the relationship is the same. And if sex is very give-and-take between both partners, wanting to please each other just as much as they want to be pleased themselves, like teamwork, again the relationship is usually the same. And of course the kind of sex you're having can be contingent upon the changes in your relationship, whether good or bad. Your story really exemplifies the notion that sex often reflects the nature of the relationship, during both your hardships and your triumphs. It's really uplifting to hear how much you two have overcome. Part of it does make me a little sad for you though. The part where you were saying you were unable to please her with just yourself, and you'd have to use toys to accomplish that. Like you said, each time you'd resort to toys would be a blow to your manhood. The only way I can relate to that is just through my insecurities about pleasing the man I'm with, because of the messed up things I was taught when I was growing up, even though that's not at all the same thing as what you went through. I really do believe he wouldn't actually cheat on me, and I understand why he wrote those emails (although it doesn't stop it from hurting, but the fact that there is a real reason behind it helps me as I learn to accept that it happened). But although I believe he wouldn't cheat on me, it's still EXTREMELY hard for me to accept it if he were to ever prefer something or someone else to me sexually. I'm not including his alone time, obviously everyone needs that once in a while. But because of the screwed up things I was taught by the adult men in my life while I was growing up, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over that insecurity. It's just engrained too deep. My fiance was explaining to me recently - as he's also done once or twice in the past - that before I came along he felt like he almost worshipped diapers. They were his soul sexual outlet, whereas most people would start looking for a person. He actually attached feelings and emotions to them almost like it was a real living thing. This continued even throughout a good part of our relationship, which began to bother him greatly. But after a while, as we started to get closer and began to love each other even stronger, he started to become more emotionally detached from diapers. Now he doesn't really have emotions towards them, which he's very happy about. He hated the fact that an intimate object had become so important and necessary in our sex life. He felt like it was taking precedence over me as a sexual partner, and he could tell I was beginning to hurt as a result. Although I understood, I was actually quite a bit hurt when I noticed that the diapers were more of a sex partner to him than I was, and for a while he wasn't interested in having sex at all. It took a good handful of psychedelics to get him to rewire his brain a bit, but eventually he was able to teach himself how to use diapers as a sex tool, instead of a sex partner. He didn't like the way it was turning out either, which is why he went for the psychedelics. Especially considering he was able to fulfill his fantasy of being able to have diaper sex with a woman, but he was stuck in his own personal mode inside his own head. Now after doing some of his own personal therapy and talking to me, he was able to move past it. At least for the time being. (Though I am a little nervous that might resurface, but suppose I'll cross that bridge if it comes.) Now both of us primarily use diapers during sex and masterbation, but as a toy. Not a primary focus. Our primary focus should be each other. He's told me too, both recently and in the past, that since he was able to change the way he viewed diapers, now when he masterbates alone with diapers he always thinks of me, when he used to just think of the diaper. In general I don't like sex toys. I've never enjoyed dildos, and the only time I like vibrators is when used in combination with diapers. I've even been in a relationship several years ago where we didn't have sex for two years, and I never once used a toy during that time. It's just no comparison to the real thing. I guess if it were up to me and for whatever reason my partner and I were unable to have traditional sex, I'd rather he use his fingers than a dildo. An object just doesn't really cut it for me. Not vaginally anyway. I guess really my fiance and I feel the same when it comes to things like that. Neither one of us like the idea of an object being the primary focus of sex. The primary focus should be each other, and the object should just be a toy. No matter how awesome or addicting it might be, it's not your significant other. It's not your partner, its not a living being, or the person you love, and it doesn't love you back. Sometimes on occasion we'll have sex without diapers or any other toys, and while we may not get off as hard, there seems to be more emotionally behind it, because it's just us, just the way we are, with nothing else to offer. Our most naked and simple selves. I don't know, it's just a different way to appreciate each other I guess. I know in your case it's different because you're unable to make love to each other without the use of toys or objects, which does makes me a bit sad. It's a type of closeness you're unable to really experience. However by the same token, being able to share and participate in each other's fantasies and fetishes, as well as making such sacrifices for each other is also a kind of closeness that many many people do not get to share. It reflects an enormous amount of trust and love and devotion for each other, and that is extremely special. Both scenarios are a wonderful type of closeness, really, and I feel grateful to experience both. What you asked about is he maybe afraid of losing me, now that he's finally found a woman he loves and trusts; well yeah he is pretty afraid of that possibility and always has been. Although he rarely shows it, but it causes him to do stupid things and hide them from me. I think I mentioned once upon a time earlier in this post, that he sneaked a diaper into the shower a few times the past couple months for some alone time while I was in the other room. Okay, no big deal. But instead of throwing it in the garbage can when he was done, he hid it in our hiking pack for a couple days (or maybe more) until he was able to sneak it out to the dumpster. So now our hiking pack is ruined, and all because he was afraid that I'd see it in the garbage can if he threw it away like normal. He does dumb little things like that quite often. We've been together for years, and he just can't get used to the idea that I don't get mad about things. I told him, worst case scenario, I'd get jealous because I'd want to play too, but not in a hurt or angry way. Just in a "hey no fair" kind of way. The problem is, especially considering he's an alcoholic (doesn't matter that he's in recovery, his brain still works the same) when you get used to hiding little things all the time, eventually they grow into big things. And as the lies grow bigger, so does the fear of telling the truth. And thats precisely what we're dealing with now. I guess a lot of that came from his mother, which came from her mother. It was always "don't tell your father" with everything. Giving him the idea that you're not supposed to share things with each other. And his mother never ever shared herself emotionally, not with his dad or the kids or anyone else. So I guess he keeps falling back into that habit of "don't tell her" because that's been pounded into him for a long time. So we're trying a new exercise. When he sneaks a diaper into the shower, he has to tell me about it. Not immediately, but maybe a couple days later. And he also has to dispose of it the way he normally would instead of hiding it. And other little things like that too. And I will be sharing these things as well. The point of it isn't because I want to know every little thing he's doing. To be honest I don't care to know. But he needs to know that there's no reason to go out of his way to hide little things like these from me. So I'm trying to get him used to telling me the truth as often as possible. Eventually I'll tell him he doesn't need to tell me these things anymore, once he's grown comfortable with being honest. The point isn't to tell each other every tiny detail for the rest of our lives. It's to exercise trust, and to lose the habit of deliberately hiding secrets from each other. We don't have to tell each other EVERYTHING, but we shouldn't have to hide from each other and either. So hopefully these exercises will get him used to not hiding small things, so he'll be comfortable with not having to hide bigger things in the future. But yeah, I think a lot of this behavior stems from him being afraid he'll lose me. Even though I'm extremely happy that he's not "normal" still he tries to hide things that make him appear more normal to me, which really only hurts me in the end. He knows that too, but it's something he's fighting with. In fact, once every handful of months we'll take LSD together, and quite often while we're talking he'll completely misunderstand something I've said, and somehow he thinks I'm saying that I want to end the relationship. I don't know if you've ever tripped before, but psychedelics have a tendency to bring out your inner psyche or subconscious, and sometimes in a rather radical way. Sometimes he'll hear me say that I want to break up when I'm not even talking about relationships, and I'll get so confused on how whatever I said even translated to that. He doesn't get angry or defensive about it when this happens, but very very sad. It's something he really does think will happen, somewhere deep down. I also believe it's why we're not married yet, because he's waiting for me to finally leave him. Well, that and a few other things too, like finances. I'm not too worried about things not working out the first time we try masterbating together. When we first tried diaper sex together, it took us several months before both of us were comfortable enough to really let loose and enjoy it. Meanwhile we kept trying and trying and it was just more and more uncomfortable. Really it wasnt until I figured out what I liked in diapers both for solo use and for sex that we were one day finally able to get it to click. This time may be similar and it may take a few tries. I'm expecting that. But I'd be surprised if it's as difficult as it was when we first got into diapers together. As long as we both keep an open mind we should be okay. I agree this forum really does a lot to help people with all sorts of problems relating to ABDLism. It makes me feel sad for those who had to spend a portion of their lives without it before the .com boom, thinking they were the only ones. I'm glad you see a lot in my relationship. I really do love him and can't imagine my life without him. I just hope he'll be able to really come to terms with himself and be able to accept and love himself the way he is, and the way I do. As well as accept that I love him the way he is. Because as long as he has trouble accepting that, that'll always be a burden on our relationship.
  3. I really can't express how much I appreciate your help and support right now. You and your wife both are amazing people considering all the terrible trials you've faced and conquered together, as well as the sacrifices you make for each other's needs and happiness. And sharing those experiences with the world to help others really is a kind of service most paid therapists couldn't provide. So thank you again for being so invested in everything. I can't tell you how much it helps me. Especially your story of you understanding her sexual frustrations and suggesting she find a sex partner to meet those needs that you knew you were unable to meet for her. I honestly don't know if I could ever make that sacrifice for my partner if I was unable to meet his needs, or vice versa. That takes some serious trust and faith and commitment to pull that off. Not to mention, it takes a nearly unattainable high level of faith, understanding, and acceptance of oneself to be able to make that decision and not mentally or emotionally suffer for it later. At least in my opinion it would be nearly unattainable. There's a big reason why this whole situation with my fiance hits me so hard. If it weren't for this reason I believe we would've been able to get past it much easier, based on his constant level of remorse and attempts to make things right, as well as his strong understanding and empathy for my feelings. The big thing that keeps me from being able to get past it is - of course - something that occurred during childhood. I wasn't going to go into this long speil, but it kind of ended up that way anyway. So, get comfy and grab a snack. You may want to pee first. I had two prominent "father figures" in my life (aside from my actual father, who was a big part of my life but does not play a part in this story) who when I was very young would teach me about sex. Actually, it wasn't "sex". It was "fucking". Through long vulgar conversations and some slight displaying of what to do to please your man, they were teaching me how to fuck. And not real life fucking, as I would come to discover, but nasty hard core porn fucking. Plus, both of these men didn't actually know each other, so they we're separately teaching me. (One was my stepdad, and the other was my brother-in-law which began almost immediately after my sister died. My brother-in-law was 32 or 35ish while I was 10 or 11.) They engrained so so deeply into my head that if I don't do EVERYTHING that my man wants me to do, even if it's painful or demeaning, he WILL go find it somewhere else, and the sooner I learn and accept that fact, the better. Eventually my brother-in-law borderline molested me and my stepdad started harassing and making fun of me for being a virgin at 12 and 13 years old. At 14 and 15 he tried more times than I can count to take me to his 45 year old friend's house so I can lose my virginity "the right way" with a man who was experienced. Eventually I ran away to live with my dad. Even after the abuse, I continued to believe the things they taught me, and as a result my first real relationship ended up being very sexually abusive physically, emotionally and mentally. Though once that relationship ended, I promised myself I'd never let that happen again even if that meant I had to be in unfaithful relationships from now on. Eventually I found out that most men are not the way I was taught, although many do have a few of those tendencies. But I still find myself extremely insecure in my ability to please my man as a result. If there's a point where I can't meet ALL of his requirements (which I know is impossible) I have a hard time accepting it. Though I rarely let him know when I'm having a hard time, because really the only one who can help me with that is me. Really at this point, my issues are just as much marital as they are mental. He's aware of these things though, even though I don't ever bring it up. He knows about the things I went through in my past and the abuse I've endured, and he's seen the mental damage it's left me with over the years. He just brought it up the night before, and said he feels awful for what he did because I've already been through so much (on top of other reasons for feeling bad) and he's always promised that I'd never have to worry about things like that with him but yet it happened, and that I did not deserve what he put me through. To answer your question, no he's never been humiliated by a girl or woman about diapers. But I see where you're coming from and it still kind of does fit in. Normal straight teenage boys with no fetishes will seek out girls to relieve their sexual tension. On the side, I know many of them will still have group masterbation sessions with close male friends. In my fiance's case, he's always had diapers, which primarily left him completely satisfied, so he never cared to pursue any girls in a hormone driven way unless he found one that he thought he could settle down with. Plus, there was always the fear of getting into a relationship with a girl and not having her accept his fetish. This was back when the internet wasn't as broad as it is now, so there were zero forums or articles on the subject and almost no diaper porn. (Plus, for a while the only diaper porn he could find when it first started seeping out was mostly gay, so that confused him even further.) Because he could find no information about ABDLism, he thought he was the only one in the world with this fetish. So, combining the fact that his sexual needs were met with diapers with the fact that he was too scared to get into a relationship, he just settled for group masterbation with friends. He never reintroduced diapers into his group masterbation sessions, although he desperately wanted to at times. The only time that happened was when he was very young. He does seem to have a strong emotional attraction to men, but not just men in general. And I think a lot of factors play into this. For one, his father wasn't really a strong presence in his life growing up, and he was never even remotely close to his mother or sisters, so he became extremely close to his big brother. Then when he was in his late teens, his brother was killed in a terrible car accident. After the accident, he finally developed an extremely close bond with his father for many years. Then a year before he and I started dating his father committed suicide. And from late childhood on through his mid 20s, he had a couple very close male friends, and his absolute best friend in the world was murdered a year before we started dating, just three months after his father killed himself. In a way, that best friend was almost like a male version to a soulmate, which I do actually understand. (This was not the friend that he was sexually close with, by the way. Just mentally spiritually and emotionally close.) It wouldn't at all be a threat to our relationship. I had a friend that I felt that way towards, like she was the female version to my soulmate. So I understand that. And one last detail. When he was in his mid teens after the group masterbation thing ended, he did have a couple of unfavorable incidents with two girls. One was one of those inexperienced shy relationships you have when you're young. She was trying to make out with him when her father was literally just around the corner. He felt uncomfortable with it and wouldn't kiss her, even though he badly wanted to. She got mad, broke up with him, then started telling her friends that he was "a fag" because he wouldn't kiss her. The second incident was when he was in his late teens. A girl was attracted to him at a party. He was not attracted to her, and in fact found her repulsive. She took him upstairs and tried going down on him. He went along with it because he kind of wanted to just get the first experience out of the way, thinking it could help him stop being so scared. Well, her teeth kept getting in the way, which hurt, coupled with the fact that he thought she was gross, and he couldn't get it up. So, just like the last girl, she got mad and went and told everyone that he was gay because she couldn't get him up. She actually continued to harass him about it for quite a while. Needless to say this was his last experience with a female until I came along. So... Putting everything together, he had almost no relationship with the primary women in his life, and all of his early experiences with girls ended up being awful and somewhat haunting. His closest relationships were with boys his age or a little older for most of his life, and the only successful somewhat sexual encounters he's had up until me were the group masterbation sessions when he was young. He also didn't have much of a father until he got older, and then all of his close male relationships were somehow killed off. Plus all the while he basically had no urge to pursue sex with girls because diapers took care of his desires, and the only thing he knew sexually was just to have someone to share masterbating with. One last thing. With his group masterbation sessions when he got older, he was not using diapers in front of them. However, when he masterbates without diapers, it's in a nontraditional way. He lays on his stomach with his penis pointing downward, and mostly uses pressure to reach orgasm. Either that, or he humped objects with his penis pointing down. And his friends seemed to accept that about him. But he was always afraid to tell girls about that, or to be sexual with them (like dry humping and what not) because he thought they might think it's weird. In fact, I knew about his diaper fetish way before I knew that he masterbates on his stomach. Which brings me around to what you suggested, about asking if we could masterbate together. I asked if it weirded him out, and he said both yes and no. He knows I accept it, and he also knows that I masterbate the same way, on my stomach and using pressure, which is kind of a coincidence. But he couldn't help but think it's weird because that's "not how you're supposed to do it" and it's hard for him to get that thought out of his head. I had to out right tell him that I enjoy watching him pleasure himself in order for him to relax about the idea. He said if we were to masterbate together, he'd never be able to think of anyone else, male or female, when we're together, which I'm glad for. But he said that he thinks it probably would help satisfy those urges of having someone to masterbate with. Then he gave me lots of hugs and kisses. I can't tell if he's being honest, or if he's telling me a white lie because he knows I'm trying to help and doesn't want to let me down. Which doesn't bother me too much if he is telling a white lie. Either way hes up for trying it now that we've discussed it. I do believe he's doing the best he can to make amends for everything. I also believe him when he says I'm his soulmate, and I do feel the same way for him. I know I used the term "soulmate" to explain his relationship with one of his best friends, but it's not the same thing. Even comparing our relationship to any of his friendships, I know way more of his deep dark secrets than any of them did. Though about half I found out on accident, but when I confront him he doesn't try to come up with some bullshit lie to explain it. Plus a million other reasons too why we both feel like we're soulmates. I do completely agree with you though, that if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together then he needs - and I need him - to be comfortable and honest with himself around me and with me. It just can't work otherwise. I think he is starting to get a little frustrated with my being depressed, but I think it mostly has to do with his job. When I found out about those emails, I called him while he was at work to confront him. I've never done that before, but at the time I thought he had actually cheated on me and there was no way I could've waited until he got home. He left work and came straight home to face the music, since our relationship hung in the balance. He also stayed home with me for the next few days so we could deal with as much as we could as soon as we could. Now he's back to work and he has to make up for all that time he missed, meaning he doesn't get home until after 2:00 in the morning. On top of that we've been having some financial issues lately since he convinced me to quit my job and stay home a while back. He thought we could handle it but we couldn't, and it's been hard for me to find a job the past couple of months. We got into a fight earlier today over something pretty small. I was asking him a question, which was a pretty simple one but he saw it as something bigger than what it was. I guess he sort of snapped and started getting mad, which got me upset. He apologized pretty quickly about it and said he was just really tired and stressed. He later called me from work to vent about money, which I haven't heard him get so upset about in a long time. When he came home he continued, and he just kept getting more and more upset. We're not in a bad position, but we're in a position where we need to push our future plans back an extra year, and that was really getting to him. Normally when we're both stressed we'll sort of take turns being there for each other. Actually I can't even say "normally" because there hasn't been a time where we weren't able to do that. But I ended up breaking down after we went to bed. I was trying not to for his sake but he noticed I was breathing sporadically. I told him I was sorry but all this is too much for me right now. He asked what I need him to do, and I just said to be patient and hold it together for my sake, at least while I'm still so raw. So he held me and said he would. Really my point is, I do think he's trying as best as he can, but he's getting stressed out about it. I'm trying to make things easier for him, but that's hard for me to do as well. Sorry I just went on and on with this post. Guess I just had a lot to say, and no one to really say it to. But I'm grateful for everything you've done for me so far. You've helped me think of a lot of things that I wouldn't have thought of on my own, at least not for a while. These things either help me to understand his situation better, or they help me bring new suggestions to the table with him that have seemed to help us get over everything so far. So again, thank you for everything. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes for me.
  4. My first experience was actually kind of a disaster, but it was actually pretty hilarious at the same time. I wasn't originally a DL. I became one after my boyfriend of six months (at the time, now it's years later and we're engaged) first told me about his DL fetish. After he explained how the fetish came to be, and why it feels so good, I couldn't help but be extremely curious. I also had no idea at the time that there are SO MANY different kinds of diapers, and each one has it's own sensation, and often times they are very very different from each other. We had absolutely no idea what my preference would be, so we just went all out. We bought so many different kinds for me to try I honestly can't even remember them all. There were so many we we're running out of places to put them. Sadly, pretty much all of them weren't for me, and although I didn't get much satisfaction out of it, we both laughed quite a bit because, well it was a really fun experiment. I enjoyed the warm sensation, sure. But the rest of the experience just didn't work for me. Eventually I found one that really fit my taste. It ended up being from the Tranquility brand. I was lucky too. It came as a free sample with an order of some other kind of diaper that I no longer remember. I thought it was awful friendly of the fellow ABDL seller on eBay to give us a free sample, which I came to find is pretty common in this community. At first glance I really didn't think I'd like it too much, so I put it off for a while. Eventually when I tried it, it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I loved the gel inside, and how it doesn't instantly absorb wetness like a lot of others do. You just kinda sit in the nice warm puddle for a minute, which is very cosey. When it absorbs, the gel stays very wet and warm, and then almost immediately starts to break down. It becomes flexible and... Well it's gel. I discovered that wetting was very different from using water, which was how I started out to try to get used to the idea. Peeing in it has a very different feeling, very smooth and almost oily in comparison. The first time I felt that I literally got chills, and couldn't stop shivering each time I'd run my hand over it. And I adored the thin flexible plastic of the diaper. Makes it very easy to manipulate things in there. Plus the plastic just feels really nice. So you can imagine what happened next. That I think was the first time I felt fireworks, no exaggeration. Then after I was done I just sat in it for the next few hours playing with it. Even though I was finished with it sexually, it still felt good to play with it and move the wet gel around. And from that point on I was completely hooked. Now most of the time I prefer using diapers than not, although I try to keep a healthy appreciation for being without on occasion. Plus it brought me closer to my partner than I've ever been with anyone before. That experience also made things a lot easier for me to find other brands that I liked. That in and of itself was a whole new adventure, both for masterbating purposes and for sex with my partner. And just for comfort purposes too. A certain kind may only work in one of those categories. Plus sometimes I'll add baby oil, or lotion, or powder, or aloe gel, (or more recently oatmeal to simulate messing) and some feel better with certain combinations than others. It's a never-ending treasure hunt. The possibilities are endless. Have fun with your endeavors! I know I did.
  5. Oh don't worry about offending me. It's nice to talk openly about things you're "not supposed to talk about" so to speak. Especially when it comes to things like this. Sure, someone might bring up or mention something that might make me feel a bit uncomfortable. But like you said, a lot of this subject does delve into some tough questions and answers. If I'm going to ask people for help or advice, I can only hope they'll be as candid and open as possible. There might be times where it may cause me some discomfort, but how am I supposed to face my problems at home if I can't handle some candid advice or questions from others who have experience in this field? Besides, I went into this post expecting much more negative input than what I got, and I was prepared for it. I'm just grateful it ended up being much more positive and hopeful than I was expecting. To answer your question, I'm not really sure how that would go. Really I think that makes him uncomfortable for some reason. We've done it a couple times before, masterbate in front of each other while diapered. We both reached orgasm and didn't have sex afterwards, which I was totally happy with. I actually enjoy watching him make himself feel good, and I've even brought it up recently as a suggestion. But for some reason he just seems freaked out with the idea. In fact, when he first told me about diapers, I was totally on board with participating. He was too, but when it came down to it, it took him about six months for him to actually be comfortable with it. He couldn't shake the feeling that it was wrong. He doesn't feel that way about diaper sex anymore, or anything else involving diapers, but he does when it comes to masterbating together in diapers. Im not really sure how well that would work either, even if he were comfortable with it. He explained that part of what made the masterbation sessions so much fun was the close male bond he had with his friend, and being able to share those feel-good sensation together. I'm not sure if if I'd work out so well as a stand-in. I'd love to try, but he's just really weirded out by it. He's not weirded out when it comes to any other sort of involvement with diapers and me. Just that one thing. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, if I should encourage him to try especially because I actually do like it, or just leave him be. On another note, he absolutely does know how much he's hurt me. He's sometimes a little more emotionally distraught over it than I am because he feels so guilty, especially when he can tell I'm thinking about it and am hurting. Plus I'm not much of a cryer, especially in front of the person who's hurt me. Another defense mechanism. Don't get me wrong, the day I found the emails I was crying like he's never seen, which was really the only time I cried in front of him over this. He came straight home from work and stayed home for the next few days because he didn't want to leave me alone and wanted to spend as much time as possible working it out. He's really trying to go above and beyond to help me get through it and trust him again, which is a lot more than anyone else has ever done any other time I've been betrayed. Seeing him hurt as a consequence of his actions, and as a reaction to my pain, ensures me that he's genuine, and that helps a lot. There was even a hat that he's had for many many years that used to belong to his friend Zack that he'd masterbate with. He kept it all these years mostly because it's a really nice hat, but he does also tend to get sentimental about objects that used to belong to someone he cared about. A family member or close friend, things like that. A couple nights ago, he noticed me glancing at the hat, and for a few hours after I became pretty quiet and distant, which is my language for "I'm hurting". He figured the hat may have served as a reminder to me of what he'd done with the emails, which I think he's right. Even though he wasn't emailing Zack, ultimately his mind was on his memories of him when he wrote them. So you know, the hat I guess does tie in in some way. So right away he offered to throw it out, and did so the very next morning without hesitation. I never agreed to him throwing it away either. I don't want to tell him to do something like that and be resented for it later. I'd rather he decide that on his own. I know it's a small gesture, but he did really love that hat. I did too, before all this. One of those old wool woodsman hats from like the early 2000s. Can't really find that kind of quality anymore, at least not here in the states. But I do know it meant a little something to him to keep it all these years. And to watch him throw it in the dumpster without even taking one last glance at it was a small but meaningful way to show me where his heart and mind really are. (He didn't know I was watching from the window but I wanted to see if there was any sign of regret for throwing it out. If there was, I didn't see it.) But there are a lot of other things he's doing to try and make this better for me, and it speaks volumes. I guess as long as he doesn't start getting tired of trying to earn my trust back after a couple weeks, we'll be alright. Back to your suggestion though, what do you make of him being uncomfortable masterbating in front of me? Should I encourage him to try? He was uncomfortable with diaper sex for quite a while at first, but if I didn't keep supporting and encouraging him we wouldn't have this amazing sex life that we have now, and we are both completely comfortable and open and happy in that department. Could the same thing be said for masterbating in front of each other? Or would it be better to leave it alone, in your opinion?
  6. Thank you for sharing all of this with me, and your article as well. It gives me a lot of hope for my relationship. Of course, you guys dealt with some other very different issues, but the core of it still derives from the same place. On top of being emotionally unfaithful, I mean. You're very lucky to have a wife who loves you so much. A lot of people can go their whole lives without finding someone half as devoted. I'm glad to hear that there are many others who have successfully gotten past things like this and are able to move forward into a happy and healthy relationship. To be honest, I don't have much of a problem accepting his fantasies or fetishes. Really the only slight problem I might have is there is this one that I can't fulfill for him, with the masterbation friend thing. That does kind of leave me feeling a little insecure, but not really to the point where it bothers me much. Especially considering some of the talks I've had with him about it. It's a little hard to understand though. He says it's not really something that he actually wants, necessarily. He doesn't actually want to go through and relive those experiences again. But his mind will occasionally go back to reminiscing about it, and only rarely he would get somewhat sexually excited about it. But that mostly happened when he was drinking and feeling guilty or ashamed for having those thoughts, and didn't quite understand or accept himself. I guess psychologically, feelings of guilt and shame can often times be related to sexual feelings ESPECIALLY when it comes to diaper fetishes. From what he explained, I don't think he was naturally getting excited about reminiscing over those masterbation sessions. I think it was the familiar feelings of guilt and shame, plus lots of alcohol, that blended it together. After a lifetime of dealing with those feelings mixed with diapers and sexual release, his brain dealt with the shame and guilt about reminiscing over the masterbation sessions the only way it knew how; by adding sexual desire to the mix. Once that happened, the confusion set in and only amplified everything. That's what he was going through when he wrote those emails. I guess when it comes down to it, women are ultimately different than men. Women (at least as far as I can tell) don't hold as strong of an attachment to early sexual memories the way that men do. It's hard to come to terms with it in his case simply because I can't relate to that, though if I were on the outside looking in it would make perfect sense. I guess that's the other problem. I'm emotionally involved, and sometimes that can cloud the way you think rationally or objectively. Even then though, hypothetically if he had just told me about all of this in the first place instead of writing the emails, I'd have a much easier time understanding. It's the stupid emails that keep getting in the way every time I start to come to an understanding or acceptance. They keep coming back into my mind, and what he did with those emails is by far the hardest thing I have to contend with. The rest is so easy to accept in comparison, even the masterbation fantasy. I have some good days where it doesn't seem to hurt me so much and I can spend time being happy with him. But then sometimes I have bad days like today, where I wonder how I'll be able to get past it. A part of me worries he'll do something like that again (I mean emotionally cheating). Although I do believe him when he says he never will again, and the only reason why he did it in the first place was because it was the only way he could think of in his drunken state to get it out in the open safely and without judgment or reprocussions. Really I know the only thing that'll fix it is time and effort on both our parts. I just need to be patient. Any more input you might have about how you and your wife moved forward from the whole emotionally cheating ordeal would be helpful. I do know he and I can get through it. I really do love him so much and don't wish for anything to be different about him... Except that he'd get a grip and learn to be honest with me, but that's all. I really don't think I could actually live my life without him, and I know for a fact he feels the same way about me. He's doing everything he can to make up for it and show that he's genuine. It's just some days it's hard to move forward, and I have to fight with myself sometimes to believe him. And really the only reason for that is just because it hurts and I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again. Deep down I know he's telling me the truth now. I just in part don't want to believe it. Because if I expect him to lie to me, then if he does and I find out it won't hurt so much. Kind of a defense mechanism I've learned throughout my life, and that's also part of why it hurts so much. I've never ever trusted anyone, not even my own mother, half as much as I trusted him. Anyway, I digress. Point is, there's really no logical reason why I wouldn't believe him now. It's just because it hurts, and my natural defense is to put up walls so I don't hurt anymore. Which I know would be a disaster because the minute I do that, that's the end of the relationship. It's the first time I've ever actually been severely hurt by someone I trust. So I guess what I'm asking is, what's a good way to start moving forward from that? He's doing everything he can to rebuild that trust, but I'm not sure I know how to let him, if that makes sense. How did your wife handle moving forward? Either from that, or from any sort of distrust. Also, thank you so much for listening and helping me get through this. That goes for everyone as well. I could never talk to someone in my life about it. That would be the worst thing I could do to him, sharing his secrets with others. This is really the only place I can go to for help. It really does mean a lot to me, so thank you again.
  7. Don't worry, you never offended me. If anyone's going to respond to this post, I hope it's as truthful as possible. There were a couple of assumptions that you made that were a little off, but I take no offense to it. After all, you only know very little about my life and relationship. It's only natural to try to compare it to your own in order to give out some perspective, and I appreciate that. I certainly don't force him to be with me in any way. I'm perfectly fine with the freedoms hes chosen to have. There are only maybe a few things that I cannot accept, and cheating (like full blown going through with it) is one of those things. That may not be the case for everyone, but that's one of my very few things that I can't handle. And he agrees with me. Of course he will always have the freedom to make that choice, and I wouldn't be one of those women who keep him inside and make him give up all his friends and hobbies so he can stay with me all the time. Of course that would only result in him resenting me. He will always have the freedom to choose. What you said at the end did kind of hit home with me though. That ultimately he's the only one who really knows, and worrying about it won't get us anywhere. I've made my decision over the past few days after we've talked about it and I've heard his story, and my decision was to stay with him and work through it. And since the incident he's been going to great lengths to show me how much he loves me, and appreciates me, and how remorseful he feels, and doing whatever he can to make me happy, and has been trying hard to prove to me that he's not hiding anything else or leaving anything out about this incident. Of course there is no way anyone could ever prove such a thing 100%, but the amount of effort and emotion he's putting into it speaks volumes to me. I've seen men do that before, but it's different. Usually when the relationship has been going sour for a long time and they don't seem to care until it's too late, then the efforts they make are mainly selfish ones. But in my fiance's case, it's not that at all. Our relationship hasn't been going sour but was really near perfect until a few days ago, he's always cared and always felt remorse for hiding those things from me and writing those emails, and the efforts he's making are entirely selfless and completely genuine. If I want to continue this relationship, I'm going to have to trust that. I can't just pretend it doesn't hurt. But whatever pain I have I'm going to have to deal with, and he's happy to help me deal with it in any way he can. If I can't trust him 100% but I can mostly trust him, I'm going to have to accept that if I want us to move forward instead of forever punishing him for those few moments of weakness. As long as we're both on the same page, I think in time we'll be able to get back to where we were. And he's doing a lot to try to make that happen. Now I need to do my part to move forward too. I've made my decision to stay with him, so I need to work on this too. Thank you very much for your advice. It really did get me thinking about how to move forward with this. You've given me some peace of mind.
  8. A lot of what you're saying makes sense to me, although our situation is slightly different. From what he tells me, when he was about 4 or 5 he befriended a neighbor boy and they would get into diapers together and masterbate, not entirely knowing what they were doing. Not masterbate each other, but just in front of each other. Fast forward to his teenage years during the group masterbation, he then befriended that gay boy Zack and they would masterbate together a LOT. Though he didn't really figure out that Zack was gay or bi until later, but he had suspicions. Anyway, aside from masterbating, they became very close friends. Eventually he very much wanted to tell Zack about his diaper fetish so he could have a friend to share it with again, but decided not to simply because Zack started coming on to him pretty heavily. Although he says he does not regret this decision at all, still once in a blue moon he gets excited about the "what if" if he had told Zack about the diapers. Similar to what you said, being romantic or sexual with another man in the normal sense of being bi repulses him. But, sharing a diaper fetish with a close friend (not touching or anything, but just masterbating together) can still sometimes get him excited. It's not exactly the same as the example you gave, but it goes along the same lines. Also adding to the fact that he was actually a virgin until we started dating, the only real sexual outlet involving another human being that he ever had revolved around masterbating with a close friend. (He was one of those "save myself for the right girl" kind of guys. That's why he waited so long to have sex.) So, trying to put myself in his shoes, the fantasy makes a lot of sense. Especially with what you were saying about if your needs aren't met, you might be inclined to look for it elsewhere. And that even if you're not gay or bi, there might be something another man can do for you that your spouse cannot, or will not. Now, he's not the type to actually cheat on me, but what he did with the emails is exactly what you said. Although he knew he wouldn't follow through with it, in his mind he was emotionally unfaithful to me. Looking at porn or having a fantasy is one thing and perfectly normal. But somehow involving another real human being (especially behind your spouse's back and without consent) is a very different thing, and yes, is unacceptable. Like I said, that's what hurt me the most, was those emails he was writing while we were together. Also, he's not much of a little, and neither am I really. We do have a few little tendencies, but all in all we're both more on the DL side than the AB side. Although both of us would be willing to participate if one of us was more of an AB. That being said, his fantasy doesn't really consist of being taken care of by a Daddy figure. According to him, it really just has to do with reliving some fun masterbation experiences he had with a close friend. But really it still comes from the same place. If there's something about your fetish that isn't being met, it'll really get to you until it's fulfilled, and sometimes that involves another man. Another thing you were saying about him needing to accept himself, I think you really hit the nail on the head. That is probably his biggest flaw. When there's something secret about himself that he cannot accept, he'll drink HEAVILY in attempt to push it out of his mind. Instead it brings it more to the front of his mind, and eventually he'll somehow act on it in a very wrong way. Then he feels guilty about whatever he did and will drink some more. Really that cycle won't stop until he talks to someone about whatever that secret is, and that someone is usually me. But in this case, he was too afraid to tell me. So that's where the emails come in. He needed to get it out, and according to him that was his primary goal with those emails. Though it was still very wrong of him to do it. To be honest, when I found the emails and confronted him, that almost ended the relationship. After we talked, he really seems to understand now that keeping something big like that from me, and especially resorting to some form of cheating to try and get it out, is way more likely to result in ending the relationship than if he were to just be honest with me in the first place. It would be different of course if we were only together for a short while. It takes time to build up that kind of trust to tell someone your secrets. But when it's been years and we're engaged, it's time to fully include each other in your lives, at least when it comes to something big like this. He seems to get that now. We both thought the relationship was going to end when I found the emails, and being face to face with that reality shook him up pretty bad. I've found him silently crying almost every night this past week since this all happened. He says he always felt guilty about those emails, and now he feels so bad he can barely stand it, especially when he sees me hurting. He'll do things like smell me a lot, or hold me for a long time out of nowhere, like he's afraid he still might lose me and he's trying to take in as much of me as possible. Hes trying to do whatever he can to show his remorse, and that he loves and appreciates me. He even decided to take a couple days off work because he wanted to stay home with me and try to work things out more He's also being honest with me about as much as he can. Even little things, which isn't normally necessary. But given that he's a recovering alcoholic, he has a bad tendency to go to extreme measures to hide things from me, even when he doesn't need to. So now he's trying to exercise being honest as much as possible. Or at least if it's not necessary to tell me something, then don't go to extreme lengths to hide it. Which he makes a bad habit of, and frankly it's pretty ridiculous. You know, normal secrets like sneaking a wet diaper into the shower for some alone time when I'm in the other room. But then he'll hide the evidence in weird places until he can throw it in the dumpster just so I don't see it in the garbage can. He's ruined a few things as a result of hiding wet diapers in bad places. Even though he knows I don't care about that kind of stuff, nor do I care if he tells me or not, he just can't accept himself and as a result, he feels like he needs to hide those things from the world, almost at any cost. Those secrecy habits always start small, and often in an alcoholic's case they can easily grow. So now he's trying to stay honest about the small things, even when it's not necessary, in order to be able to be honest about the bigger things. He's even offered to show me his porn collection just to prove to me that there's nothing left that he's hiding. He was never comfortable with that idea before. Eh... I'm rambling. My point is, now that all this has happened, he's trying hard to accept that I accept him, even if he doesn't accept himself. And he's trying hard to break the habit of lying and hiding things from me that he really shouldn't. And he's going to lengths that he's never gone to before to try to prove to me that he's no longer hiding anything like that from me anymore. All of these things do speak volumes to me, and while I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, it does help me try to move forward together. Most of me trusts him, but that's the problem with lies and secrets. Eventually after so many, you start to lose trust. Thank you for sharing your story. It made me think about a lot of things, and hearing that you and your wife were able to get past your issues gives me hope for my relationship.
  9. First of all, thank you very much for your candid input. It does help me. I know he's not afraid of me sharing his secrets with anyone. Over the years he's discovered that keeping secrets is one of my strong points. There are other secrets that he's told me - or that I stumbled upon - that could be viewed as equally shocking without knowing the story behind it. I've never shared them with anyone, nor will I ever, even if we were to break up. Over the years that we've been together he's come to trust me completely with keeping his secrets. He also knows I'm extremely supportive when it comes to something so personal. Aside from asking him some basic questions in the beginning just so I can better understand, I never push him beyond that, and I especially don't ever ask him to change. There was another secret I discovered earlier this year (which I'm not going to go into detail about) and it's not exactly something I'm comfortable with and he knows it. But it is also something I completely accept and don't ever bother him about it. Even though I'm not comfortable with it, it doesn't actually bother me nor does it have any impact on our relationship. Because of that, he now feels comfortable talking about that other secret openly with me if and whenever he feels it's necessary. He knows he can trust me in every way with his secrets. That's the whole reason why I'm asking for insight here on the forum, because I'd never talk to someone in real life about it. Not my mother, or best friend, or especially a therapist. And he knows and trusts that about me. If he keeps something from me, it's because he's afraid he might lose me if I knew. Really to be honest, and I've told him this too, the fact that he kind of withheld that "fantasy" so to speak doesn't really bother me that much. I already knew that he was involved with that when he was younger. I just didn't know he was still fantasizing about reliving it once in a while. The only thing that bothers me is the emails he was sending to random guys on Craigslist while we were together, insinuating a hookup. He said he never had the intentions to actually follow through with anything, and that it was just his idea (in a very drunk state) to sort of get it out. To just tell somebody. But considering the wording of the emails, that's really what hurt me the most. It almost felt along the lines of being cheated on, even though that's not what he was trying to do. Really he was sort of pretending I guess. He wasn't actually trying to hook up with someone, even though it's what it looked like. He was just trying to mentally restart that memory with his friend by putting himself in a slightly bisexual situation. At least that's how he explains it. I can deal with not knowing everything about him because I believe he'll tell me when he feels the time is right. I believe he would've told me about this fantasy eventually if I hadn't accidently stumbled upon it myself, just based on many conversations we've had in the past about things like this. He was sort of setting the stage, in a way. Even if he was bi I can handle that. The only reason why I have a hard time with it is because of those hookup emails. I'm a very patient, supportive and understanding girlfriend. But if my significant other were to seek sexual gratification from another person, male or female, that I cannot handle. So really when it comes down to it, the main reason why I ask if anyone else thinks that he might not be honest about being bi is because I'm scared that he will look for sexual satisfaction from someone else. What I mean is, I worry that he's lying about his intentions with those Craigslist emails. It really doesn't matter that much to me if he was bi, but it would matter greatly if he's bi and looking for sexual gratification from random men. I hope that made sense. It's not really the label that I care about. It's the intentions. And this is really the first time I've ever felt like I might not be able to trust him, all because of the nature of those emails. That's really the only thing. I just hope he's telling me the truth about them.
  10. I agree with all of this so far. Better to tell her than to have her find out in some other way. And believe me, if you're moving in together, either you tell her or she'll find out. Better that you tell her. For one, you get to control the setting and environment that she finds out in, and it's definitely more beneficial to make that as positive as possible. Two, women are always so much more hurt when they find out a man's been keeping something that big from them than when you just come out and tell them. It's possible that it might be a deal breaker for her, but if it is then it wasn't meant to be. Best to figure that out sooner than later so you're not wasting anymore of your time or hers. I know that possibility is terrifying, but honestly if that's what it comes down to, she'll find out somehow on her own if you don't tell her, and everything would end eventually anyway. Another possibility is that she'll accept it, but will feel weird about it and would rather not be involved. In my case, I'm not an original DL. I developed my interest in diapers from my fiancee when he came out and told me some years ago. The reason why I was so open to trying it was because he was so open to communication and to answering all my questions as thoroughly as possible to help me understand. And oh yes, you can absolutely have sex in them. Best sex I've ever had, hands down. What really helped me understand was that he worked hard to explain what the appeal is about diapers. That it had nothing to do with pedophilia, but it had everything to do with how the sensation of a wet (or messy) diaper can feel really pleasurable and arousing. Kind of like wearing magical underwear that performs perfect oral sex, is sort of how it feels to me. Who wouldn't want to try that? At first I wasn't comfortable with wetting them. That really bothered me for a while. So we'd use water and aloe gel or something like that instead to help me get used to it. Eventually I was more comfortable with trying wetting, yet I continued to feel a bit weird about it until we finally had sex with wet diapers, and hallelujah! To this day now because of him, I'm eternally hooked to diapers. They completely fill the hole in my solo time, and spice things up beyond belief with sex. My point is, you'll never know until you talk to her. Obviously you know not to pressure her into trying something she's not ready for. And if she is willing to try, honestly it probably will be a bit uncomfortable for you both at first. But keep trying, keep talking and explaining, keep trying to help her understand how it's appealing to you. It'll just take a little time for her to get over the strange dirty facts about it. But eventually if you keep at it, and she's still willing to give it a good college try, it might suddenly just click, and it'll just be magical. But, even if she's willing to try, some people just can't get over the strange and dirty little facts about diapers. If that happens, she may just ask you to do what you gotta do with your diapers, but to leave her out of it. Continue the relationship, just don't involve her in your diaper fetish. Which really you seem fine with that option already anyway. If she really loves you and sees a future with you, she'll accept this part of you, and may even want to be involved. One thing is for sure. Keeping it from her is a baaaaad idea. She'll find out one way or another, and that'll be a lot worse (and more painful for her) than just coming out and telling her. Plus if she finds out on her own, she'll probably be less inclined to want to try to understand or accept it than she would if you just sit her down and talk. Communication is always key.
  11. Hello loves! It's been quite a while since I've been on here, but now that I am I need some help. I discovered something about my fiancee. I've known about his DL fetish for some years and am quite literally thrilled about it, as I've come to share his fetish myself. But I've discovered something new about him, and it's somewhat off topic from the ABDL thing. But he does feel it plays a slight role in things, and I desperately need some input from the relatively straight male. Especially from the ABDL community because if anyone can understand what's going on, it would be you guys. So I recently accidentally (yes it really was an accident) found some old emails from him trying to sort of "hook up" with other men on Craigslist, though it was never pursued beyond just wanting attention. Some of these emails took place during our relationship, which is what bothers me more than anything. Now, these emails never went beyond asking for basic information. You know, just the old fashioned a/s/l thing. They never actually contacted each other and pursued anything further. Although it always started with the pretense of hooking up, and often in quite a vulgar way. (He says he was vulgar simply so he'd get a response, he didn't actually feel that way. Plus he was very very drunk during these times.) When I confronted him, he told me it was a fantasy he couldn't let go of from his teenage years, which I knew a little bit of but never knew he was fantasizing about it now and then. He told me when he was growing up, he'd have a group of friends that he was pretty close to, and would sometimes watch porn and masterbate together. None of this really got to him, except with one friend. Let's call this friend Zack. Eventually my fiancee figured out Zack was gay, or bi at the very least. But over the years, he and Zack would watch porn and masterbate together more than what most straight men were comfortable with. Plus Zack would want to sit close to him and try to touch him sexually during these masterbating sessions, though he claims he never let the guy touch him. These experiences kinda screwed with him because he developed a close friendship with him, aside from the sexuality. Although he's not attracted to other men sexually, he was flattered by Zack's interest, especially considering they were very close growing up and we're exploring their sexuality together. And especially considering he didn't have a lot of luck finding a girlfriend around this time. So this started to confuse him about his sexual identity. There were other facors that led into this being a big ordeal. For one, he was a virgin with little to no sexual experience. Two, he had a diaper fetish that as a teenager was stronger than ever, you know with hormones running rampid and everything. But he was also linking Zack to yet another memory of when he was about 4 or 5, where he and a boy his age would get into diapers together and hump things. (Not each other, just to be clear.) He strongly contemplated telling his friend Zack about diapers as a teenager so he could relive that, but decided against it. Case in point, he didn't have a sexual outlet involving an actual partner for a very long time, and the closest he had to that was just jerk-off buddies. So those were really the only events throughout all of his teenage years and well into his 20s where he was able to explore his sexuality with another human being, since he didn't have much luck with finding a girlfriend during this time. And since his diaper fetish was extremely strong during this phase, he says he was just addicted to feeling good and having a male friend to share it with. Apparently that memory stuck with him pretty good because he was occasionally fantasizing about masterbating with other guys. (Now to be clear, his fantasies never involved touching or being touched by another guy, at least according to what he's telling me.) He explained that when he was looking to "hook up" with other random guys, really he was just looking for a gay friend to watch porn and masterbate with. He said that when he was emailing random guys on Craigslist, he had no intention of actually following through with it, but he was still almost fetishising it in his mind. He says a lot of it had to do with his alcohol abuse, which contributed to his guilty feelings of possibly being bi and betraying me. So the more he drank and the more guilty he felt, the more he fantasized about it. Like a guilt fetish I guess. So what I need from the relatively straight males here is to give me some input. Is this kind of a normal thing for straight men to get sexually attached to? The idea of having a jerk-off buddy, specifically one who is gay and flattering you, but no touching is involved? Or is this a bit closer to the bisexual spectrum? I know it's normal for boys to masterbate together as they're growing up, but is it normal for straight men to fantasize about it into adulthood? At least given the circumstances? He claims he doesn't get excited about seeing another guy naked or having an orgasm. He just likes sharing those feeling of masterbating with other guys. Especially with a gay one, mostly because of his close friendship with his gay friend Zack growing up. Or do you suppose maybe he is a little bi and won't admit it to me? Which by the way I could deal with. What I can't deal with is him secretly emailing strange people to hook up with during our relationship to pursue some fantasy, even though he didn't follow through with it. Or lying to me and hiding a very big piece of information regarding his sexuality. That's where I feel betrayed, especially after all this time and after all the INTENSE secrets he's shared with me. He swears it'll never happen again, the whole emails to random gay hook ups. But what I want to know is what I'm really facing here. Is he telling me the full truth? Is he really a straight guy who's hanging on to a very sexual memory from his adolescent years? Or is he secretly bi? What do you guys think? Sorry my story is so long, but any input would be greatly appreciated. This isn't really something I can personally relate to, and considering my female brain doesn't work the same as a male's, I definitely need another man's perspective to help me understand this.
  12. That's too bad that had to happen. But it's good that he knows about it and accepts it. I understand how it can be hard for others to accept, let alone actually seeing their loved ones wearing them. It sucks that you still need to hide it, but it's good that you can still have a relationship with your brother. It's a bitter sweet thing I guess. Letting a loved one know can be a rough situation to deal with.
  13. No problem, I'm glad I could help. To my knowledge, having a membership to this site - at least some of the more expensive memberships - will reward you with unlimited photo and message storage on your account. I believe each membership comes with a "badge" that will appear on your profile, and some of the more expensive memberships will actually send a token diaper pin to your home (unless of course you'd ask them not to for the sake of anonymity, then you can purchase the membership and go without the pin sent to your home.) I know some websites tend to offer more in the way of incentive to purchase a membership, such as more tempting special privileges and bonuses to the site in order for those site owners to make more of a profit. But that's not the purpose for this site. The purpose of purchasing a membership here is to help the site owners afford the domain to the site, the forum/chat license, as well as any upkeep and maintenance to keep the site secure and efficient, and probably some other things that I'm forgetting as well. If you're interested in looking into it, here's the link to purchase memberships. https://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?/store/category/2-memberships/ I hope this helps.
  14. Sorry in advance for the lengthy post. I've always said that the sex life reflects the relationship. If sex is one sided, often so is the relationship. If sex is giving on both ends, then so is the relationship. If the sex life lacks passion, I'm sorry to say, but the relationship probably does as well. Watching porn is normal for most. Watching porn and other women in diapers isn't necessarily the cause for concern. But when someone prefers that over being with their significant other, then something may be very wrong. And given the state of your willingness to satisfy him, I doubt it's your capabilities in bed. It is very possible that there is something more serious going on in the relationship. Something that has come between you. A lot of people - men especially - won't always voice their concerns in the relationship, and usually for one main reason. Either from growing up, or from previous relationships, they might feel like communicating their concerns will only start a fight. If they don't feel safe having an open discussion, they'll avoid it for the sake of avoiding an argument. As others have said already, communication communication communication is the key. Being that he is showing what I would interpret as a fear of communicating, you may want to take those steps delicately. Make him feel comfortable prior to the talk. A backrub is always a good place to start, or anything else that you might think of. When you do talk with him, try to keep your emotions out of it as best you can. Try not to cry or get angry or upset, because it may dissuade him from continuing the conversation. Be gentle, and listen. The problem might not even have anything to do with you. It might be an insecurity of his that he's afraid of sharing. It could be anything. So try not to make assumptions. And, try not to get discouraged. It might take a few tries to get him to open up. Put a little time in between each talk, as well as some good old fashioned quality time. Go out together, do things that you enjoy doing one on one. Get involved in each other's lives again. He'll need to feel close and safe with you in order to open up. About your weight gain, if it really is only 10 pounds, I'd be surprised if that's really the source of the problem. But it might be as simple as the way YOU view yourself now that you gained a little weight. Lack of confidence in oneself can be a turn off. 10 pounds or not, if you own it, it's sexy. As I said though, the cause could be anything. Or it may not be anything at all. In most relationships, the sex life calms down after some time. It's the settling stage, and it's normal. But it's also a very critical stage, which I will explain in a moment. In the beginning, everything is new and exciting, emotions and desires run high. But over time that calms down as you get comfortable with one another. Men are usually the first to get comfortable, and that leaves a lot of women panicking, thinking that they've lost their man's interest. And in some cases, that is possible that the man has grown bored, but more often than not he's just comfortable. What makes that so critical is sometimes people might get TOO comfortable with each other. The perusing stage is over, and sometimes they might think "well, now I don't have to try so hard to get him/her because now I have him/her". When in reality, both parties should be trying just as hard to keep each other as they did to get each other. This is a fact that is lost on many couples. And it always happens during the settling stage. Again, communicate your needs to him. If he really doesn't have any problems in your relationship, then that's what it boils down to. Also, one final thing. Age and lifestyle can play a massive role in a couple's sex life. The older a man gets, the more difficult and exhausting sex can be. It doesn't mean he's not in the mood. It's just easier for him to masterbate than it is to have sex. Especially if he smokes or drinks or has a poor diet, even if he's not overweight. He may still desire you. He just might not have it in him to follow through with it as often as you'd like. Really, there are a ton of possibilities, and many of them have nothing to do with you or his feelings and desires towards you. A little suggestion before I wrap this up. This may be too difficult for you to do, and that's okay. But if you can bring yourself to do it, and ONLY if he's okay with it, look through his porn stash. You can find a lot out about someone by looking through their porn. Basically what you're looking for is a fixation on a particular girl or girls that look a certain way. For example, if you're a 140 lb brunette and he's looking only at videos of 115 lb blondes, then he may be getting bored. Of course there will probably be some videos like that. It's in a male's nature to persue, so you'll have to try to forgive him for that. But, if you find videos with women who resemble you (or the way you looked three years ago at least) or if the couple in the videos are doing similar things that you two do together, then that's a very good sign that he's still into you. But you may find other things that you didnt expect. Men and internet porn can be a terrible and insatiable rabbit hole. Curiosity and taboo can eventually alter what turns a man on, and it can become addicting. So tread on with care. Many men don't fall into this trap, and those who do are particularly between specific ages and is typically short lived. But there are many who do fall victim to this trap, and it does have the potential to ruin relationships because it fogs their idea of reality and human interaction. If you're going to do this, I would highly suggest asking him to look through his porn stash together instead of behind his back. Honesty is the best policy. But only do it if you're fully prepared for what you might find. Keep in mind though that this does not have to be the solution. The solution is in communication. If communication fails, then this can be a good plan B if you both are prepared for it. Good luck and stay strong. I hope you can get through this together.
  15. Welcome! It's awesome you built up your courage to join. You'll feel right at home here. Lots of good caring people, great conversations, and interesting things to learn. Go have fun, and enjoy the forum!
  16. Hi there and welcome to the forum! To answer one of your questions, I'm assuming what you want for the avatar is just posting a profile picture. Just click the square-like icon in the upper right corner of your screen (I hope... I'm using a mobile device so hopefully it's no different for a pc). In the drop down menu, click Account, then Profile. When it loads your profile, an icon on the left near your user name should appear that looks kind of like a picture. Click that, and you can choose your profile picture from your device or the internet. There's also an option for "Gravatars", but I'm not sure what that is. Your profile picture will appear next to all your posts throughout the forum as avatars do. As for tech support, I'm not sure why you wouldn't be able to use it, unless you weren't signed on at the time that you tried and you didn't know. Here's the link to the tech support. Hope this helps. https://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?/forum/10-dailydiapers-tech-support/ Good luck and enjoy the forum!
  17. Haha! Right on! What a disgusting piece of sh*t.
  18. It's different for everybody. Everyone has their own reasons for getting into diapers in the first place. Bedwetting as a kid can go two different ways, I think. One is, lots of people learn to masterbate when they're children, and many of those who were bed-wetters learned how to do it in diapers. Since there's nothing else in the world that feels the same, it carries over into adolescence and eventually adulthood and sexual fantasies as they mature. On the other hand, others will simply remember the feeling of security and being able to safely release control, and again, there's no feeling like it. There are others who experienced some form of abuse from an adult or sibling or peer that involved diapers, so they continue wearing them either as a form of self-punishment or as a way to try and make the experience positive to replace the abuse they endured. There are also those who are incontinent and have to wear diapers, and they learned to love them. The list goes on. Sometimes it depends on the reasons why you're into diapers in the first place, and sometimes what you like about diapers can evolve over time. It's different for everyone. Also, I agree with rusty pins that just because you like watching cartoons doesn't mean you necessarily have an AB side. Even if it's not from the era where there was still a lot of adult humor in cartoons. It just means you have a sense of humor and nostalgia. A lot of people are the same un this regard. Unless you're watching Barney or the Telly Tubbies or something, then I might say you may have an AB side. That's kind of funny, because that's sort of the direction that I'm headed towards. I never really thought that onsies or pacifiers would do anything for me, but over time it's started to look more and more appealing. Mostly, diapers are sexual for me, but with a little bit of emotional comfort as well. But I did start to enjoy the cute ones with the designs as well. Throwing in a onsie kind of takes me back to being like 5 years old (although I was out of diapers by then) and sitting in front of the tv on Saturday mornings or something. Pacifiers don't do anything for age play for me. I think it is just because I have an oral fixation, and maybe for that reason it'll help me quit smoking. Plus I've read that some of them are good for lining up your teeth. So, why not? Sucking is just a natural reaction that we've had since birth. It just sort of feels right having a pacifier, I guess. Anyway, I'm glad you commented, because I was wondering if there were any others who evolved their style of ABDLism over time.
  19. I know that some of us get a little excited about cute print on our diapers, but does anyone have a little more of an AB side than that? Maybe a pacifier once in a while, or a comfy pair of onsies? Just wondering.
  20. I'm looking for one of those big bulky kind of adult diapers, preferably the kind that wrap snugly around the waste. My waste is generally my problem area with getting diapers to fit. A lot of the time they just kind of fold over and hang off my waste. So I'm looking for something like I described but I've never tried these kind before. Any recommendations on some good brands for this kind of style? Also the bulkier the better. Thanks in advance!
  21. I'd like to share a story. It isn't really pertaining to ABDLism, but the person I'll be telling you about today is an ABDL. I feel like it's something that deserves some recognition. The other night, real early in the morning several hours before the sun came up, my boyfriend, let's call him Tom (his name isn't Tom but he doesn't want any attention so, you know...) is going for a nice peaceful walk in the middle of the night. He starts to notice a strange orange hazy light in the night sky, then hears a woman scream. He runs toward the screams, and finds a house on fire. He learns from the frantic woman that there's still an old man trapped in the house. This house was built in the 40s or 50s, which in this era houses were extremely flammable. In the short amount of time it takes for him to learn there is a man in there, and roughly figure out his location, the fire is already beginning to spread from the bottom floor to the attic. The house is literally disintegrating right before his eyes. Then he hears the old man screaming, and starts to rush into the burning home, staying as close to the ground as he can. But the smoke is so strong, he's already wrenching and the fire is literally all over and even inside the now melting walls... and the man is just on the other side of the wall that Tom is near. The fire and smoke are so bad he can't make it around that wall. He runs back outside to the window of the room the man is trapped in, trying to decide if he should risk breaking it to get to the man, when suddenly the screaming stops. Tom knows that breaking the window could worsen the fire, but now he feels as if there is no other choice. The man is now silent, unconscious or potentially dead. There is no more time. Tom is readying himself to break the window now, when the police and fire department arrive. He starts shouting to them "HE'S RIGHT THERE! HE'S RIGHT THERE!" But the firefighters can't get any closer to the old man than Tom could. They have no choice but to fight the fire first. A half hour goes by before they are able to enter. They find the man unconscious, collapsed against the wall just a few feet from the window that Tom was about to break. Miraculously he is still breathing on his own. They fly the man to a hospital, and the police and firemen thank Tom for finding the man. They tell him that if he lives, it may very well be because Tom was able to locate him and spare the crew the time it would take to search for him. After answering a few questions for the police and comforting an upset neighbor who is friends with the old man, Tom heads home, of course avoiding the news crew that is just arriving. (As I said, he doesn't like attention.) Meanwhile, I'm at work listening to my police scanner. (No, im not one of those people. I turned it on because the police and fire station is just down the road, and I saw every state and county police and fire vehicle within two or three counties head toward my house, so I was worried.) Then Tom calls me, frantically explaining what had happened. I tell him I'll be home as soon as I can, and hang up to call in my relief early so I can hurry home to be with him. He's still upset and scared that the man might not make it. As I'm waiting for my relief, an ambulance driver stops in my store, reaking of smoke and melted plastic or something awful. We already know each other - small town - and begin talking about what happened. Finally I ask him if he knows the condition of the old man, and upsettingly he tells me he died on the air lift to the hospital. And I have no idea how I'm going to tell Tom. Well, I get home and convince him to go for a walk with me to calm his nerves. Once we are outside I break the news to him. You can imagine how he feels, angry and responsible for not being able to do more. We stay up all morning trying to calm our nerves, and finally head to bed at 10:00 in the morning. I wake up at 5:00 in the afternoon, make some coffee and decide to check the news. I discover that the man was resuscitated, and his condition is continuing to improve, dispite the near hour he was trapped breathing in severely heavy smoke. I yell into the next room "Oh my God, he's alive!" Tom sits straight up and yells back "What?!" And I run back into the bedroom and jump on him repeatedly and kiss him repeatedly. Of course, no one will know, aside from the old man's family, because Tom isn't the kind of person to boast. And it's not like I'm bragging... okay hell yeah I'm bragging. I mean for God's sake, rushing into a burning home to try and save a total stranger?? I think that deserves a little recognition, even if it is anonymous. But as I was checking this forum just a little while ago, I was thinking of all the horrible stories we've all had or heard about. How many people think of ABDLs as confused, sick, or creepy people who need help, or even as far as rapists who need to be locked up and kept away from society. Well, "Tom" has been an ABDL since before he can remember. And hes one of the best people I've ever known. Of course I've said that way before this incident, but this just proves my opinion. I don't know many people who would do what he did. It's pretty remarkable, and I couldn't really help but share it.
  22. Several years ago I would hear and read that interrupting your flow can cause UTIs, so if you wanted to strengthen that muscle (say during sex if you're a woman) it's better to do it when you're not peeing. Is this true? Because I have noticed that I'm getting UTIs more often lately, and I usually do this method when wetting. I don't stay in them long when theyre wet, and typically not much longer than a half hour. Is there any truth to this? Or is this probably something else?
  23. Man that sucks! I feel your pain with the constant constipation, though mine has only been for a handful of years. So that really sucks! So far, most things like Mc Donalds and Taco Bell have been pretty consistent with temporarily curing my constipation. Now I just have to make sure I have things planned around having to poop within 15 minutes after eating whenever I want to eat fast food. Though, I'm not sure I should use this method regularly. I mean, I'll probably grow a tumor or something for all I know with all the junk they put in fast food now.
  24. This may be true. I've spoken to a lot of people who are strictly DL, and even they get excited when there are cars and bears and the like on the print, or fun colors or patterns. (My boyfriend and me included.) You can definitely see the inner child pop out then.
  25. McDonald's double cheese burger! Well, it's true for me anyway.
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